#Logged into tumblr after 3 years just bc of this man
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Congrats on 3K followers! Very much deserved. I'm a new follower and was curious to know the story behind your blog (how long youve had it for and how you started out/transitioned into f1) only if you want to share your story of course (:
sit down and get some popcorn babes, here is my life story
Back story, I’ve been writing fanfiction since 2011, I started on quotev (If anyone remembers that) and it was solely 1D fanfics also i was way too fcking young to be writing fanfiction
I started this blog in like mid 2016 and it was mainly an mcu blog (cough cough Tom Holland/Peter Parker) and I wrote a lot of one shots and more on here, but that where the name ‘holllandtrash’ comes from :’)
I took a break from writing fanfic from like mid 2018-2020 bc I started school, moved across the country, dropped out of school, moved back home, went back to school, thought I was in love yadda yadda but I sort of fell out of writing during that time or if I did write, I would never post it
Oh but what happened in 2020 ??? Pandemic !!!! AND the 10 year anniversary of one direction so I actually started to get back into 1d fanfic writing (didn’t post any of it) but I fell back in love with fanfiction while I was stuck at home
I also fell in love w Harry Potter again and then I started a wattpad like mid 2020 and wrote a few HP fics on there that are horribly long and one of them isn’t even completed yet BUT that was most of my 2021, hp, tik tok, wattpad and school
That leads me to falling in love with F1 early in 2022 (I’m a new fan) and honestly for the entirety of last year I was still writing my Harry Potter fics, (shoutout to Elusive & Burn) I was in school up until May, had a full time job after that (still have it), broke up w my ex 💅 decided to save up to move across the world (still working on that part) but everything was going good up until December of 2022
I stopped writing because Christmas is always chaotic for me and my family and work was stupid busy and i was planning a 3 week trip for January and then I got back from that trip and suffered from a burst fucking eardrum of all things so I couldn’t work and i was stuck at home I was lonely and had no motivation
And then one day in February, still with the HP fanfic on hold bc I just couldnt bring myself to write it, I decided to log onto my good ol tumblr and what do I see but some F1 stuff and I’m like oh this is lovely (bc the season hadn’t started yet and i missed the drivers) and one of the first things I saw was a social media au and I was like hey wait…I could do that...
So I did and the Pierre smau (worlds collide) was my first ever piece of f1 writing- if you can even call it that, but then I was hooked. I stuck with the smau’s for the most part for the first few weeks but it was a really good transition to actually writing one shots and eventually back into chaptered fics
I wish I had liked or reblogged that first social media au I saw because it really jump started me back into writing after taking almost three months off
anyway now I am writing when I can, splitting my time between Tumblr and trying to write a real book. My Harry Potter fic on wattpad is still on hold and I would like to go back to it but it’s hard. But this platform really pushed me to just focus on what i love and all of the kind and supportive messages from followers like you remind me why I love to write, I want to write for other people, I want people to feel the things that I feel, even if just for a short amount of time
i'll try to publish a book one day but man writing is fucking hard so who knows
if u made it this far, thank u for reading all of this xoxo
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F1 Re-Watch 2022: Round 21 - Sao Paulo
Filed under: I was that tuned out of last year I didn’t realise a second race had its name changed for 2022
ANYWAY: while I forgot to watch highlights for Brazil (I genuinely had every intention to, I just forgot bc C4 only has the highlights shows up on their website for a week). I do remember logging onto tumblr after the race and seeing the carnage of George Russell getting his and Merc’s first win of the season... and the RBR team order drama (👀)
But apart from that, I know nothing, so let’s dive in:
ngl this is one of the races I’ve been most looking forward to watching in full, mainly for the non-RBR win but also I need to know how Russell dragged the W13 into P1 like please tell us your secrets
I also read a few weeks back the very wild stat that the W13 got a 1-2 finish, but it’s predecessor the W12 didn’t. Which is insane
right then, starting grid whiplash:
(which, this was a sprint weekend, which will likely explain a lot)
Lance P15, bc of a 10 sec pen apparently
SEB P9 LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO
oh my god a Merc front row, the absolute SCENES
capture it, remember it
oh, we absolutely ADORE to see it.
I will give sprint races this one right, just this once
[Formation Lap]: like Mexico, a pretty even split of people starting on either the softs or the mediums, with the exception of Albon being the only car on the hards
oh, I am looking forward to this. I am thrilled Angela in the garage and she is me
[Lap 1/Start]: Mercs holding formation at the start
LANDO NORRIS?! In between the RBRs and Ferrari???
OH SHIT
Safety Car, Dan just speared into Kevin
oh the duality of McLaren in 2022
[Lap 2]: Tag yourself I’m the marshal just flinging the broken bits of advertising board away
oh so Dan tapped Kevin into a spin, and Kevin not able to control the car, went right into Dan. welp.
[Lap 3]: SEB UP TO P8 LET’S GET IT!!!!
and Mick P10 🥺 That’s my emotional support Germans
[Lap 4]: “That Aston Martin in the hands of Vettel has some pace today” I need Ted to be my hype man seriously
Charles has potential engine problems??? oh welp
Ferrari gonna Ferrari
[Lap 5]: Albon pits to ditch the hards for mediums, still under SC
The replay of Lando’s start, very noice
[Lap 6]: aaaand SC in this lap
rip Otmar’s nerves for having to watch Esteban v Alonso at the restart
ayyy Bono sighting
...you gonna go George???
[Lap 7]: ....
ffs
Lewis and Verstappen touched and broke bits of each other’s cars
NOT LANDO TAKING OUT CHARLES
oh so Charles is not out he managed to get his car back to the pits.
still I would like a refund for that lap, it woke up and chose TOO MUCH violence
[Lap 8]: oh my god Seb’s up into P5 as a result of all the violence
[Lap 9]: And Lewis is up into P7
[Lap 10]: And now P6
cut to Lance in P9 defending from Bottas
[Lap 11]: Lewis v Seb, this is not how I wanted it to happen but I’ll take it 🥺
apparently still a way to go until 1st stop territory, which will probably have been extended a tiny bit thanks to the safety car
[Lap 12]: “That Aston Martin is a sprightly thing” AMR22 no longer assigned tractor status 🥳🥳🥳
[Lap 13]: Verstappen got a 5 sec pen for the violence huh 👀
as does Norris for trying to murder Charles
[Lap 14]: And Lewis takes P5, to the delight of the very lively crowd
I think we can all agree that Brazil is Lewis’ second home race at this point (I mean, it technically his how he has his honorary citizenship, but you know what I mean)
[Lap 15]: And Lewis takes 4th from Lando (try saying that three times fast)
can we not get constant replays of the Verstappen on Lewis violence, once was more than enough
[Lap 16]: meanwhile Seb is chasing down Lando 👀
this race has been quite a lot, and I don’t think we’re barely at one quarter distance
Interlagos will always be 100% that bitch
[Lap 17]: SEB INTO P5!!!! THAT’S MY BOOOOOOY
oh and Zhou makes his first stop
[Lap 18]: as does Sainz
meanwhile Russell is driving around completely unbothered while multiple fistfights happen behind him
Sainz has a smoky brake apparently 😬
not a tear off stuck in the brake duct oh good grief
[Lap 20]: somehow, Bottas is in P6
ayyy Lance up to P9
...or not Sainz just passed him
[Lap 21]: Charles still down in P15, he was a title contender at the start of the year 😭
[Lap 22]: Lewis closing the gap to Perez you say 👀👀👀
Charles pits again, because Clowneria Ferrari
[Lap 24]: and just to emphasise the point, Sainz doesn’t know what strategy he’s on.
Perez pits for mediums
oh my god Seb’s in P3. STOP THE RACE!!!!!!!
[Lap 25]: Russell pits, and has a slower stop compared to Perez
but he comes out ahead of Seb.
Anyway Merc 1-2, Lewis win, Seb P3. STOP! THE! RACE!!!!!
[Lap 26]: Lewis leading in Brazil, feels good feels organic
and the crowd (rightfully) love him
“Sebastian Vettel runs third” INJECT IIIIIIIIIT!!!!!
But, I did look up Seb’s result and he finishes P11 so I’m vibing now while it lasts 😭
[Lap 27]: and in Seb pits for mediums, he comes out in 9th
[Lap 28]: and Bottas takes 7th off Gasly
helmet watch: Seb’s Brazilian flag tree design is so cute I love it
[Lap 29]: They’re talking about dark clouds, please no 🥲
but anyway SEB INTO P8!!!
[Lap 30]: Lewis makes his first stop, softs for mediums, and comes out in P4
and Seb up into P7 as Lance pits
“Pitlane incident involving Alfa Romeo will be investigated after the race” ????? care to give us any detail at all FIA?????
don’t just leave us hanging spill the tea
[Lap 31]: I am not looking at the clouds in the distance I do not see them
[Lap 32]: Lewis setting a 1m15. King shit.
[Lap 33]: and Lance passes Yuki for P14
beloved midfield spice how I have missed you since you were MIA in Mexico
[Lap 34]: Ted spilling the pit lane drama tea, apparently Alfa Romeo didn’t pull in their wheel guns when Mick came in for his stop (it’s a sporting curtesy, not a rule per se)
But is still funny that the entire Alfa Romeo team is under investigation seghujgh
poor Barry from catering is an innocent bystander in all of this!!!!
[Lap 36]: Anyway, racing
Alonso pits, promoting Bottas to 5th (?!) and Seb to 6th 🥳
Sainz to pit again, not surprising considering he’s on the softs
He’s on the mediums this time
[Lap 38]: Man seeing the cars being able to actually follow each other, and make overtakes in the corners as opposed to DRS moves. WE STAN.
Alonso with a nice move on Yuki for P13
[Lap 40]: whew I didn’t even notice that we’d passed half distance
track temp has dropped 11 degrees since the race start, it’s def way cloudier. And that’s seemingly favouring Merc, considering the rate at which Lewis is catching Perez
[Lap 41]: Ted has gotten out the big braincell and realised that Merc’s goal is to get a 1-2 for the drama. As they should tbh.
[Lap 42]: Seb still in P6, I’m equal parts thrilled and worried as to how he ends up P11
[Lap 43]: Lewis’ gap to Perez under 2 seconds 👀
someone whip out the jaws music
[Lap 44]: he’s closed right up, racing time!!
[Lap 45]: and he gets the move done down the main straight. NOICE.
and the crowd go insane, as they should
meanwhile Charles pits again from 8th, I once again support his rights to burn things down
[Lap 46]: Seb pits from P6, and drops to P11
[Lap 48]: Perez pits again for mediums, and gets jumped by Sainz
Both Mercs yet to make their second stops still, I would be both surprised and impressed if they manage to make the one-stop work
[Lap 49]: And as I type that, in comes Lewis 😅
Likely to cover off Perez.
Which he does! He’s on the softs
[Lap 50]: and In comes Russell, also for softs
Crofty stop trying to manifest rain the race is fine without it!!
Seb in P7 ahead of Charles 🥺
[Lap 51]: And Charles does pass Seb for 7th
[Lap 52]: Oh apparently Kevin still hasn’t come back to the paddock yet ubhsgeugheshg
and Lando has stopped with a loss of power. McLaren’s very bad not good race.
and a bit of a late VSC, since Lando was getting out the car while cars were passing him 🙃🙃🙃
[Lap 53]: and looks like Ferrari are going to pit Sainz for softs
[Lap 54]: that McLaren is not moving for the marshals for love nor money
and we’re upgraded to a full Safety Car because of it
not Crofty stirring the pot asking Otmar what he’ll tell Esteban and Fernando at the restart slrbnhlbh
He is craving all sorts of violence today
[Lap 55]: Helmet watch: Lando’s neon yellow with chrome royal blue design is so pretty
“You are racing, just be respectful” Mercedes say no violence only polite fisticuffs allowed
stop. replaying. the Verstappen on Lewis incident.
[Lap 56]: another Bono sighting?! TV director your basket of pastries is in the post.
[Lap 57]: “They haven’t released the lapped cars yet” Brundle... don’t
[Lap 58]: oh Esteban being told to let Alonso past and he straight up says no aeghearughs
Alpine squared violence intensifies
[Lap 59]: SC coming in... I am Anxious™️
If we get RBR on Lewis violence again I will SCREAM
George once again taking his SWEET AS TIME to go ffs
[Lap 60]: okay phew that was a much more chill restart
argh Seb down to 9th what happened?!
[Lap 61]: oof Sainz trying to barge past Perez
Charles watching behind with popcorn
and Alonso passes Bottas for P6
once again, EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING
[Lap 62]: 10 laps to go, oh BOY
oh. Seb was on the mediums surrounded by drivers on softs. no wonder he’s dropped places
[Lap 63]: And Sainz does pass Perez for P3
funnily enough he’s also on the mediums while the cars around him are on softs
[Lap 64]: And Charles takes P4!
meanwhile the gap between the Mercs is just over a second
[Lap 65]: Oh jeez that swerving from Perez and Alonso
and Fernando adds himself to be “I passed Perez after the SC restart” party
oh. Verstappen is behind Perez now. team order drama incoming I guess. 🍿
replay of elated Alpine mechanics my beloved
[Lap 67]: 5 laps left, and Verstappen passes Perez.
after explicably being told to take points off the Ferrari’s 😬
ohhhhhh that pass from Mick on Gasly was NICE
[Lap 68]: Gap between the Mercs still are 1.2-1.3 seconds
[Lap 69]: Ugh, Seb’s dropped down to P11 behind Lance, damn you medium tyres
(Not Lance though, he’s great)
[Lap 70]: The fact that this was Merc’s first win since Saudi ‘21... pain
[Lap 71]: Also the comedy of Merc winning one of the races Toto wasn’t at aeghaergh. It’s a wonder Toto has been at any races in 2023.
welp more internal Ferrari violence
[Finish]: And Russell wins his first F1 race, with Lewis bagging a Merc 1-2!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Sainz P3, Charles P4, with Fernando dragging his Alpine into P5 out of sheer spite.
Okay I’m pretty neutral on Russell but his team radio was v sweet 🥺
and ending with Lewis DOTD, and Lance P10 Team Greeeeeeeeen!!!🥳💚
WHEW. Interlagos continues to deliver the racing AND the drama. That was a fun race to watch though, while we didn’t have a proper battle for the win per se there was so much entertainment in the midfield, and while the reason why it happened did not spark joy, watching Lewis fight back through the field like the King he is was *chef’s kiss*.
Overall, 9 front wings out of 10. Next, and final race of 2022 - Abu Dhabi!
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Hi!!!!! This is in reverse i'm gonna rec you fics that i really loved (and read it over the past months) hope you find something new! Thank you again and again for all your help over the years! 1) the adverting au by runaway_train 2) now you know me (for your ayes only) by nadinecestmoi 3) more than you know by brightlyharry 4) given a chance by fabby 5) the afterlife fic by lovingcup (this one is really log but worth every word)
Hi sweetheart. Thank you! I love this. And thank you so much for thinking of me!
Advertising AU by runaway_train / @runaway-train-works (4 part series, E, 69K) I’ve only read the first one of this series, but I really enjoyed it! So thank you for reminding me of it. I put it on my “to read” list! Here’s the summary for the first part:
“Does she know who it is then, from the New York office?” Louis enquires.
“Yeah, some guy Henry? Henry Styles I think she said?“
“Harry.”
“What?”
“Harry. His name is Harry Styles.” His heart sank. Louis hadn’t met him, they had only shared a couple of emails back and forth, but he knew exactly who he was. And Harry hadn’t just been killing it in the Big Apple, he’s been ripping the place to absolute shreds, nailing some of the most lucrative accounts in the business.
Louis is so fucked.
Or
The one where Louis is up for a promotion, he just has one tiny, little problem standing in his way.
Now you know me (for your eyes only) by nadinecestmoi (E, 78K) Haven’t read this one!
Based on this prompt that I found on tumblr (link in the notes):
au where harry and louis are solo artists and they’re not exactly friends per se but they’re friendly, know each other from industry parties and things like that and there’s always been this weird unspoken sexual tension between them and louis’ always kinda confused bc isn’t harry the biggest ladies’ man in the industry?? and one day harry asks louis to collab with him and of course louis says yes even tho he’s kinda surprised and harry plays the song for him and louis is completely blown away by how beautiful it is and it’s a love song and he’s like damn whoever this is about is lucky as fuck bc it’s clearly written from personal experience so they spend all this time together recording and it’s super bittersweet bc they click right away and it takes louis about three seconds to realize he has a huge fucking crush on harry but on the other hand harry clearly had someone in mind when he wrote the song so the last day of recording comes and louis’ like “thanks for having me on the song” and harry just shrugs and is like “well it just seemed fitting bc the song is about you”
More Than You Know by brightlyharry (NR, 65K) I haven’t read this one either!
You can't be attracted to just a voice. That's what Louis tells himself, but he can close his eyes and start playing the soundtrack of Harry's voice on loop in his head and he can feel desire coursing through him. He's never been this fixed on a sound this much. Until now.
Harry is an enigma, from his overpriced gaudy furniture to his interesting box of collectibles Louis hauled to the penthouse the day Harry's moving van arrived. Louis is intrigued. Hearing the man's giggle on the phone drug Louis down deeper. If he could just lay his eyes on Harry and put a face to the unique voice, he's sure he'd be screwed, too far down to ever resurface.
or the one where Louis is a doorman for a luxury apartment building and Harry is the newest resident of the penthouse. Timing fails to be on his side as he tries to catch a glimpse of the building's newest occupant and prove he's a call-boy. When he finally does see Harry in the flesh, he's more captivated than ever. Featuring Liam as a mailman and Louis' trusted friend and no one knows what's going on with Zayn.
Given a Chance by fabby (E, 174K) Haven’t read this either!
Five years after One Direction took their last tour, the last thing Louis Tomlinson ever expected to happen while on a tea run at the local Piggly Wiggly was to run into his ex-boyfriend and ex-bandmate Harry Styles.
The odds of them ever running into each other again had to be super slim, right?
Wrong.
What happens when you mix ex-boyfriends with a large serving of Small Town America? Will Louis and Harry be able to set aside their differences, or will Louis be able to stay breezy as fuck in the wake of Harry’s arrival?
(or, the one where Louis and Harry run into each other five years after One Direction ends and learn how to love each other again. Featuring: Reggie as the overweight labrador, Niall as Louis’ last grip on reality, and Nowheresville, North Carolina as the setting for Louis’ worst nightmare to come true.)
The Afterlife Fic (The Best I Ever Had In My Entire Life...Or Death) by lovingcup (E, 491K) @beccasafan will be so excited that you recommend this one, because it’s her fave and she’s been trying to get me to read it!
AU- After dying in an accident, Louis Tomlinson arrives in the Afterlife. Not Heaven and not Hell, Louis finds himself in Judgment City UK: a pristine city where the food and entertainment are divine and the newly departed must undergo a Review of their life on Earth to determine if they have lived a life worthy of advancement in the universe, or if they must be returned to Earth to be born again in a new body.
On his first full day in the Afterlife, Louis meets Harry Styles, and the two have an instant connection. Over the course of their Reviews, they fall in love and begin to find that even though they didn't know each other on Earth, they are nonetheless linked to one another in perfect ways. Both are hoping to move ahead in the universe together, but they are challenged with the threat of separation if one or both of them is sent back to Earth to be born again.
Loosely based on the Albert Brooks' film "Defending Your Life" starring Brooks and Meryl Streep. One scene in particular is drawn from the movie, but other than that scene and the general concept, this story veers far away from the film. There were no blowies in the 1991 movie, I swear!
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What are some of the tvd to fandoms greatest hits so to speak... I was only in it for a short time and then jumped out because I couldn't stand to
Oh, well allow me to be your guide. This will be under a read more because I already know, I’m gonna write a whole essay. Shout out to my ride or die @hellsbellschime.
I don’t think any overtly crazy happened during the good!TVD years. No wait, I’m lying.
The year the spin-off got announced, I believe it was tvguide, that posted an article with like info tidbits for currently airing shows. And one of them, was that Hayley was pregnant with Klaus’ kid. I remember this shit so clearly, man. Everyone was so confused. And then they were like SURPRISE, APRIL FOOLS. Because it was in fact April 1st. So ha-ha we all had a laugh, great. Fastforward to what, late April? Episode 4x20 airs, and it’s exactly what happened???
That whole day btw, the day the backdoor pilot for TO aired was just insanity. I’ll say that about a lot of days in this answer, but that day was really just something else. Like we were delirious, that’s the only way I can explain what happened on here. It was a nightmare but also one of the funniest night’s I’ve ever spent on here. I gotta go back for old time’s sake and reblog some of the shit from that night because we all snapped. And not in the good way.
The TVD 100th. Now, we knew Joseph was coming back for that episode so they hype was real. Because up until that point, we’d gotten a huge load of nothing in regards to Klaroline. They released a trailer, a short one, that’s still in my favorites folder on youtube to this day. I rewatch it all the time because it’s iconic. And there was literally .002 seconds of Klaroline. It’s Caroline standing and then Klaus says “hello, caroline” and everyone lost their shit so much when it dropped that ‘hello caroline’ trended ww on twitter.
THE DAY THE NETWORK THAT AIRED TVD IN AUSTRALIA AIRED A PROMO WITH THE KLAROLINE KISS IN 5X11. ICONIC. I literally woke up, logged on at around 11 AM my time, and my dashboard was on fire. It was the BEST. We didn’t know wtf to do, it was amazing.
Paleyfest. Ohhhh buddy, lemme tell ya. So TVD/TO got chosen to have the CW panel’s at Paleyfest that year. Everyone was on a bit of edge because TO to that point was what, almost done with S1 and Klaroline had been given the mega cold-shoulder despite being the very thing other than the Mikaelson’s that got used to lure people in? After the pregnancy plot from hell, everyone was ready to peace tf out, but we got halted because it was a ‘ohh of course it’s gonna continue’ then they tried to nip Klaroline in the bud with 5x11 and no one was having it. So Paleyfest was where we were gonna get some ANSWERS, DAMMIT. I live on the east coast and the festival was held in the west coast so I wasn’t awake when it was happening. I remember making a post about how ‘going to sleep, and hoping when I woke up the answers were good.’. So I went to sleep, woke up a few hours later like 2-3 AM my time, and checked my blog and the first message I had was ‘don’t wake up stephanie, everything is a mess, stay asleep where everything’s fine’ I—
The gist of that was, they basically set JoMo up to be the bad-cop in shutting down Klaroline. He gave this long answer that made absolutely zero sense. The girl who asked the question about Klaroline, who was like 13 at the time, got called a bully for even asking a question at an event she paid to be at. A mess. And JP was like NO CROSSOVERS, ORGANIC, BLAH BLAH. And Paul was sitting next to her going “why can’t the show’s just intersect”, he was right and he said it.
I can’t remember if this was S1 or S2, but somebody tweeted something and Carina replied ‘when you’re found dead in your basement with klaroline written on you this is why’ or something like that, that was a ~fun~ night. And then like half an hour later she was like “I’m sorry, I’ll never tweet about Klaroline again just leave me alone” if you’ve ever seen this fandom refer to ourselves as basement dwellers, this night is why.
NARDUCCI. Can’t forget him. Talk about a man who just didn’t get it. And I don’t mean Klaroline, he just didn’t get anything, nothing in his head has ever clicked, I’m convinced. He used to pick fights on twitter repeatedly. Admitted once that he missed his flight because he was on twitter…arguing with a fan. AND ONE DAY, he decided to just—snap. Went on this hours long tirade against the Klaroline fandom, essentially calling everyone stupid because no one was appreciating the ‘art’ of the show. So when I say it lasted hours, I mean that. Now, you’d think, that he would be done, right? WELL, apparently that wasn’t enough, so the next day, he continued. I remember because I was in this gc on whatsapp, and I remember Erika sending a message to the gc going “omg, Narducci vs KCers round 2″ when I tell you I screamed. The man went on a two-day rampage against this fandom and it was insane.
S6/S2 of TVD/TO was not a fun time. I can genuinely say it was borderline a chore to come on here during that time. It wasn’t fun, every day someone was in argument with someone from production on twitter. Truly the worst year of the fandom, imo. So S7/S3 rolls around and that’s where shit went nuclear.
Hillary and I, are minding our own damn business, when someone come’s to us with information regarding the new seasons. This was post-SDCC, so it’s like the lull of September, waiting for the seasons to start in October. And we get approached with information, talkin bout how Caroline’s gonna be pregnant with Alaric’s twins in S7. When I tell you we didn’t know wtf to do. And we had to like wait on confirmation about it but then we found out it was legit and we were pissed. Literally ask us if we wanted to be in the spoiler game, the answer is no tf we did not. And she and I basically spent two days complaining. LIKE UGHHHH WE DON’T WANNA DO THIS, BUT ALSO THIS IS DISGUSTING, WE CAN’T JUST LET THEM SPRING THIS ON EVERYONE, BUT AGHH WHY US. So we chose collectively, as a duo, because das my other half yo, to blab.
That went over as best as anyone could hope for it to go. Now, flashforward yet again, this time to around late Novemeber/December. I had been sent word that something was going down. TVD/TO lost their Thursday slots and got bumped to Friday’s, so a plan was going on, and they made one. We’d heard that they were rearranging something mid-season because they were gonna make a crossover work, publicly we found out it would be Paul and JoMo that crossover back-to-back. THEN ONE NIGHT—I call it black friday bc that day was a fucking mess—, a friend of mine was friends with an SCer, I wanna say, and she was hearing word that the crossover did have Klaus and Caroline interact via phone call, but that it was very definitively an ending. Because they spoke about Camille and Stefan, etc, etc. Like a closing of the book type thing. So okay, we were like devastated, everyone on twitter was losing their shit. Everyone was pissed, and @-ing the writers all these crazy, sad things, we were a wreck. Ask Hillary about this night because she, I remember, describes it as ‘logging on and reading what everyone else had and not understanding why tf everyone was mad about it’. It was the first and last time that our roles were reversed, and bless her for it.
SO WE’RE SITTING THERE, it’s Saturday, and we kept getting more information and we were like…something isn’t right here. So we did a bit of digging, spoke to a few people and waited it out. LO AND BEHOLD, everything we’d heard about the phone call was false. There was a phone call but the CKers and SCers were so mad about what was actually said in it, that a few of em, ring leaders of the feeble minded, made up a version and passed it around their fandoms as legit till it eventually worked it’s way over to us. So we all jumped the gun on fake information, lmfskdnknsks. Rumor has it, you can still hear Hillary yelling ‘I told you so’ at me through our group chat.
So all was well, I couldn’t tell everyone why not to panic, just that they didn’t need to. Until, this account popped up called tvdspoiler or something on twitter, also saying false information about the phone call. Sending everyone into a panic yet again. I remember this because I was at kmart with my mom, and the kmart by my house was in a basement so I had no cell service. I was able to send like a couple of messages, and was basically like ‘tell everyone to chill, I’ll clear it up when I get home’ did that in like a couple of hours cause then I had to leave to the midnight showing of the force awakens with my friends. So that day was chaotic, but fun. It was the first time I reached 99+ messages on my inbox, lmao.
So that all happened like a good while before we actually saw the episode. But cut to a few weeks later. I woke up at 1 AM my time to drink water, was on tumblr trying to go back to sleep. I checked my inbox and there was this bizarre message talking about ‘got some scoop’ and they were like ‘Finn dies in 3x17, Aurora gets put into some weird sleeping spell in 3x18, Camille and Davina die in 3x19, Lucien dies in 3x20′ and I quite literally laughed??? Literally who wouldn’t. Like who tf would ever believe TO had the balls to do all of that when they never killed anyone off. AND, WHO WOULD BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE WOULD JUST STOP BY, SHARE IT AND LEAVE. So I sent a screenshot to Hillary and was like ‘yo did you get this because wtf’. We often got duplicate messages. And we often got messages of people who were pissed about the two previous times we, from the klaroline fandom of all places, had legit info that wound up being true, that they were just waiting for us to fuck up. So we used to get messages of people pretending they were sharing info, and it was just antis trying to make us look stupid.
SO, Hillary says ‘just answer it because it’s obviously fake’ top ten moments before disaster. I answer it and am like oh haha, and where did that info come from. And they came back like a minute later, saying ‘I have a source’ THEN THEY ELABORATED. They mentioned that Lucien drags Freya and Vincent to Mystic Falls to do this spell with some bullet and etc. So at that point we were like fUCK because that same day we’d found out was in 3x16, which ended with Lucien and this white-oak bullet, having kidnapped Freya. And that’s when we knew, that someone showed up in the middle of the night, spoiled the whole back-half of TO S3—and then left.
The back-half of S3 was so fun??? Every week the info just kept coming true. On the wikia everyone hated me, probably the most anti messages I ever had was during that time, honestly it was great, 10/10 would recommend.
THEN, at some point in our blog history, Hillary had been getting quite a few messages about PT. And she had this fucking line in one of the messages about Phoebe’s pronunciation with her accent for the show, or lack thereof. And she said “weeches and woves will always have a place in my heart” SO THEM PHOEBE TWEETED IT. THAT EXACT LINE, and we were like was she...? So we shrugged off okay. A few days later, she tweeted “hellsbellschime enough, there’s plenty of other things to watch on tv, I hear mad men’s great.” And I—
THIS WAS ON SOME RANDOM ASS SUNDAY. Like I was lounging around, waiting for the new episode of game of thrones and then WHAM, chaos. AND AS IF THAT WASNT ENOUGH, Leah joined in too. Putting a target on my friends back...about her blog that no one was making them read. You can’t make that shit up. And Jenn actually replied to Phoebe’s tweet and got a reply back, and she was all “you’re right, I’m sorry” and then deleted the original tweet, which I still have a screenshot of btw. And then Leah showed up in Hillary’s inbox with this ridiculous three part ask about how she shouldn’t criticize women in the acting industry because of how hard it is for women in that industry which is true, but it doesn’t make you exempt from criticism??? So not sure where she meant to go with that one.
SO THERE WE HAVE IT, our fandom’s greatest hits. I’m sure I can elaborate and insert more, but I’ve been typing for a good 40 minutes.
Told ya, I wrote a whole dissertation, lmaooo.
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Any podcast recs?
woo yes!! i love podcasts!! i’ll get right into my favs :D click the read more bc it gets kinda long
The Adventure Zone
If youre on tumblr youve probably heard of this already. It’s created by the McElroys, and follow the adventures of Taako, Magnus and Merle and a lot of fun other side characters all voiced by Griffin. Its hilarious and full of goofs, but the story it weaves Will make you cry by the end, there are so many plot twists, gays, found family tropes, its just ugh. amazing. very good to listen to if u want a laugh tbh, but the episode are pretty long, up to an hour and a half. but the story is beautiful, the characters are amazing, n i feel like im constantly laughing at jokes i dont even understand bc the mcelroys r Just That Funny. there are also other arcs u can listen to, like amnesty, which is about a trio of monster hunters, commitment, which is about superheros, and dust, which is a western supernatural mystery!
EOS 10
This is for sure one of my favourite podcasts ever. The characters are so easy to love and all so complex with very human issues, except its set in space surrounded by aliens so the shenanigans are never-ending and all so, so entertaining. the general plot is about dr. dalias, a surgeon on the space station EOS 10, and his friends and coworkers dr. urivdian, jane, and levi the hypochondriac, chaotic alien prince (and akmazian, the gay space pirate). the relationships between the characters are to die for, the gays are beautiful, and its fucking hilarious. 10/10 recommend, the episodes are relatively short between 10-15 minutes so its very easy to listen to.
Wolf 359
This was the second podcast I ever listened to, and will forever be held close in my heart. it starts off as a funny, light-hearted podcast based on the logs of communications officer doug eiffel, an astronaut aboard the USS Hephaestus, a spacecraft with only 2 other crewmembers, commander Minkowski and scientist Hilbert. eventually more characters are introduced such as captain lovelace, and the SI-5 crew Jacobi, Kepler, and Maxwell. the series goes from something entertaining and joking to a story with an unfolding plot that honestly blows me away, morally grey characters and the complex relationships between everyone, and amazing character development. the episode start out pretty short but they get longer as the plot progresses. you’ll laugh too many times to count, find yourself crying near the end and wonder how you got here, and fall in love w the characters, the jokes and the mystery. i cant recommend it enough (eiffels development ugh my fucking boy…..)
The Penumbra Podcast
This podcast is so fucking fun. its a detective-noir type storyline set far into the future on mars. it follows PI Juno Steel, a detective in Hyperion City, and all the cases he lands and has to solve. its intriguing as hell, the characters draw you in completely bc theyre so layered and complex but so easy to love, its gay as FUCK (theres only one straight person on mars lol) and its v enjoyable listening to juno’s character development and his interactions with other characters (namely nureyev and rita). im literally never bored listening to this podcast, and if the detective theme wouldn’t typically be your thing i swear you should listen to it anyway because with how its set on mars, in space, in the future, there are things youd never imagine and worldbuilding so smooth and surprising and fun. there are hilarious moments, tragic moments, heartbreaking moments, heart-healing moments, and just. the whole thing is brilliant dude. i adore it. (theres also a lot of mini episodes set in different universes like old western lesbians, and the Second Citadel, which runs alongside juno’s universe and is kind of a knights vs monsters fun thing but theyre also all bisexual lol).
Time Bombs
This is a mini-podcast made by the same creators as wolf 359. its only 3 episodes long so if u want something quick to listen to this is v good! its about a bomb squad on new years eve as Simon Teller tries to break the record of most bombs defused in a year. its very funny, easy to listen to, and just a fun lil thing!
Lake Clarity
Now this boy is a horror podcast. Its about a bunch of teens who go up to the abandoned Camp Clarity for a trip together before they graduate. they uncover abandoned military bases and a conspiracy, mutations and monsters, and get picked off one by one. i admit i never finished the second season but i greatly enjoyed the first! it was interesting (and they acknowledged the slightly basic set up in show a lot lol) but i like it!
King Falls AM
I only recently started listening to this one but its so good dude!! its set in a radio show in King Falls, hosted by Sammy and Ben. Sammy just came to the town from the city and Ben has lived in King Falls his whole life: we listen to the strange events happening around town as they happen and ben and sammy report on them, listen to the residents send in calls about their weird situations, meet new characters, and get a lil freaked out by some spooky things! its funny, its odd, its creepy at times, its the perfect blend of humour, supernatural, and horror!
And now for some honourable mentions
Welcome To Nightvale
This is one you’ve probably heard of as well. WTNV is a radio show hosted by Cecil Palmer, a citizen of the town of Nightvale, which has got to be the weirdest town in the world. its delightfully strange, entertaining, fun to listen to, and i havent finished it but i like it and i know a TON of other people adore it, its v popular!!
The Magnus Archives
Another horror podcast, I never got very far through it (mainly bc i just. struggle to listen to jon’s voice and accent rip) but the gist of it is a british archivist is going thru some archives n recording the stories. its full of monsters, supernatural stuff n creepy stories. people love it, if ur into horror n creepy stuff then i recommend this one!
The Bright Sessions
Another one I never got very far through, it follows dr. bright, a therapist for the ‘strange and unusual’ and her sessions with various super-powered people, for example empaths, time-travellers, etc etc. im not sure why i didnt get v far thru bc it is v intriguing and has a lot of potential, im sure id pick it back up one day! i think it could have a lot of cool overlapping storylines if u dig that!
Directive
This short podcast is very interesting, its about a man who is on a spacecraft alone looking after people in stasis for many years, and isnt allowed any real contact with other people on the ship outside of a video call once a night. there are plot twists, you will randomly find yourself crying by the end of it bc of the raw emotion, and it can be a little slow in the start but its worth the quick listen!! it goes into the effects of isolation and moral dilemmas on a person and is v interesting!
And now just some ones on my to-listen list that have been highly recommended to me!
Limetown
Wooden Overcoats
Within the Wires
Rabbits
Alice Isn’t Dead
#podcast recommendations#podcast rec#podcast recs#taz#the adventure zone#thezonecasr#eos10#eos 10#wolf 359#w359#the penumbra podcast#the penumbra#tpp#time bombs#time bombs podcast#lake clarity#camp clarity#king falls am#kfam#wtnv#welcome to nightvale#tma#the magnus archives#the bright sessions#tbs#directive#directive podcast#limetown#wooden overcoats#within the wires
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I just got four connecting anon messages and feel as if I shouldn’t respond to them directly as it’s a heartfelt message, so I’ll respond here, dear anon!
First off, if you are who I think you are, it’s really funny to me you message me after I finish replaying Neil’s Route, like it’s almost poetic in a sense haha~!
ANYWAYS!!!
I’ve had many people come and go in my life in the past years and most of it is my own undoing to be quite honest, at least I think so (I think everyone always thinks the worst of themselves so maybe it’s just me? haha)
But I’ve always been and probably always will be a very low maintenance friend. I understand long periods of silence and think fondly of anyone who used to interact with me and gladly accept people back into my life unless they like... actively harmed me, which I’ve been lucky in that aspect that that’s never happened to me (yet?)
But because I’m a low maintenance friend, I do drift away from people naturally, not that I ever want to stop being friends with anyone, I just have low energy and go for very long periods of times were I say nothing at all to anyone (I can’t remember the last time I logged into discord bc I forget to do it)
It’s just part of who I am and has nothing to do with anyone, past or present. Just High NPC energy, man.
So yeah, if you are who I think you are - you didn’t do anything and I’m not only happy but surprised you contacted/remembered me. There have been times when I’m watching something, replaying or playing new games, I’ll think to myself ‘ah, this person would like this I think’.
As for how my life is going right now? It’s going lol. I know that’s a paltry response but it is what it is. Things that are different now from last we talked, that I can think of are-
1) I’m a huge furry now. I don’t know if that would be a shock or not. But I’m actively in the furry fandom, hoping to buy a fursuit and everything. If that’s a friendship breaker, I’ll understand lol!! (sadly haven’t made any friends in that area, but as always, that’s probably my own fault).
2) I’m going to be moving in the near future! Closer to Chicago is where I’ll be headed with my sister. Highly excited for that.
3) I’m into Critical Role (and DND bc of CR), which you could probably tell by tumblr (same with danmei so I won’t make a point on that!) I have yet to actually play but WANT TO so badly someday. (I already have plenty of dice for the occasion lol)
4) I got a new cat. My old cat hated him for the longest time, but she’s gotten used to him. He’s noisy, but I like it (he’s the talkative kind of cat haha)
5) I’m more active on twitter now - which I felt like might have been happening when we still were talking? I don’t remember. But I’m super more into twitter now, but have been slowly coming back to tumblr - mostly to maybe start writing again on here. But we’ll see how that goes.
I think that’s really the only new stuff?? I mean, I’m still into BLVNS and anime and stuff *shrugs* that will probably never change about me LOL
BUT YEAH
If you are who I think you are (that sounds so cryptic but I don’t wanna be wrong LOL) - then yeah, I really cherished our friendship too - always looked forward to talking to you and felt a connection towards you. I honestly don’t know why we stopped lol, I just assumed it was during one of my (and possibly your own) periods of silence - where I kind of shut in on myself and drift off.
So all I can say is... same to all you said. I apologize for drifting off, you were always one of my favorite people to talk to!
Oh and thank you for the late birthday wishes and I hope you have a Merry Christmas :D
I’ll be more than happy to talk and catch up sometime. Either through messages here, on twitter or telegram.
Twitter: @/dee_cherrywolf
Telegram: @/palmtopleopard
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ok so this is probably the first post i've posted in years, but i just wanted to say hi to everyone new. my blog was in a stupid little limbo bc i was a stupid college sophomore who randomly decided to 'rebrand' the email of this account to a throwaway one like a one-time use email that i never saved the login info for and forgot the password and essentially locked myself out of logging in, but i was miraculously never logged out of my tumblr app despite changing phones since i changed the email. it wasn't until like this summer that i realized i didn't have a way to gain access to my account; after a week of whack communication w dumblr i was considering moving to a different blog. i would've cried bc at that point i had made some really really amazing moots and i didn't know if they liked me enough to follow me on a different account lol. it wasn't until i tried getting my year in review that i realized i had two-factor auth on w my phone number and i could have my account reset to my email w it and now we're here!
n e ways, now that i can rb things from my archive directly, i'm gonna deep dive into my old hyperfixations, including andrew garfield's spider-man. if you see old ass posts from 2012, i hope you enjoy. hope to interact more w you all soon <3
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾
#moon talks#feel free to ignore this oh my god i told myself to shutup 3x typing this out#i just like the idea of making a post from my laptop again#feeling like a real blogger ✌🏻😗
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June Small Wins
1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.
2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.
3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything
4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable
5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish
6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins.
7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd
8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.
9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)
10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients.
11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down
12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed
13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha
14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏
15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics
16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.
17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces
18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo
19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am
20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy
21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning.
22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again
23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.
24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)
25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers.
26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review
27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.
28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.
29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg
30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward
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I'm really tired and I'm definitely crazy but all of them for the number ask thing
Holy shit Esther, okay. Um thanks lol You’re awesome, I love you so much omg.
Answers below the cut bc I’m feeling nice tonight.
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
1. “How Does A Moment Last Forever” - Kevin Kline (Beauty and The Beast)
2. “Belle” - Emma Watson, Luke Evans, Ensemble (Beauty and The Beast)
3. “Make You Miss Me” - Sam Hunt
4. “Beauty And The Beast” - Ariana Grande & John Legend (Lol Beauty and The Beast)
5. “Impossible” - James Aurthur
6. “Aria” - Audra McDonald (Beauty and The Beast)
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Um lets see Jared Padalecki, my soulmate @the-thirteenthhour, tumblr mom Morgan @assbutt-still-in-hell, and a whole lot of my other Tumblr peeps
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
“It was unsettling to watch.”
4) What do you think about most?
I think the thought that pops into my head the most is “keep fighting.” I think about it a lot.
5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
I think someone wrote a song about me once, but they said they lost the paper and I never got to see it. Other than that, I don’t think so.
6) Do you have any strange phobias?
Um yeah, spiders, clowns, spiders, clowns, and did I mention SPIDERS AND CLOWNS?
7) What’s your religion?
I’m a cradle Catholic.
8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
I’m most likely sitting out side for some peace and quiet. Whether it’s snowing, sunny, and especially when it’s raining, I’ll just sit outside and close my eyes.
9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
Well I’m not really big on bands or anything, but I really like Panic At The Disco.
10) What was the last lie you told?
I don’t remember
11) Do you believe in karma?
Yeah, but I dont like to let her have all the fun, y’know?
12) What does your URL mean?
Sam Winchester is a reason that I’m alive. Therefore, it’s kind of an answer to a question. “Why are you alive?” - “Because Sam Winchester.”
13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
I think my greatest weakness is how in touch with my emotions I am, it can be problematic at times. I think my greatest strength is my ability to listen and understand people, which in turn, allows me to effectively give advice.
14) Who is your celebrity crush?
JARED PADALECKI
15) How do you vent your anger?
I usually go for a walk or cry it out by myself. If I ever vent to someone then you know I’ve reached my limit.
16) Do you have a collection of anything?
I had a collection of plastic horse toys, kind of like Breyers, but I gave them to my sister.
17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
I’m not completely content with who I am yet, but I am working on it. I’m happy with how far I’ve come though.
18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of people chewing and sniffing all their snot in, instead of blowing it out like a sensible person ????? I love the sound of rain and thunder storms, I also love the sound of violins and wire string guitars.
19) What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if one day I’m not strong enough to fight anymore?
20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
22) Smell the air. What do you smell?
Idk what it is, but it’s got a slightly sweet smell. I think it’s Raspberry Jam.
23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
One of the worst places I’ve been was probably the wake of my baby niece when I was real small. I can’t remember anything else.
24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?
The most attractive male singers I’ve ever heard sing are obviously Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.
25) To you, what is the meaning of life?
Idk about meaning, I don’t know if life has a meaning. I do think everyone has a purpose though.
26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
I don’t drive yet. Too lazy to get my permit lol as well as the fact that where I live you have to log 100 hours behind the wheel with an adult present in order to get your license unless you’re 18, I am not.
27) What was the last movie you saw?
I’m watching Moana right now.
28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
I tore my ACL (a ligament at the back of the knee) a year ago.
29) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Supernatural, Tumblr, writing, singing, Disney Movies, the ocean, Jared Padalecki/Sam Winchester, acting.
30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Yep
31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
I hold grudges for a while, but after so long it gets tiring and pointless. However, if one does not seek forgiveness before I get tired of holding a grudge, they will be cut out of my life. I don’t need that negativity just because you’re too full of yourself to apologize for whatever you did.
32) What is your astrological sign?
Sagittaius
33) What’s the last thing you purchased?
I purchased a thing of Ocean themed earrings.
34) Love or lust?
Love
35) In a relationship?
Yeah, with Netflix.
36) How many relationships have you had?
None
37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
I am very good at reading people, so I lay low for a while and watch. Once I get a good feel for someone I can adjust my personality to fit theirs. It’s why I get along with so many different kinds of people.
38) Where is your best friend?
I have a few. One of them is an entire state away. One of them lives 5 minutes from me, the other two live about 20-25 minutes from me. At this moment, I don’t know specifically where any of them are.
39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Sleeping
40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
Yeah, sometimes.
41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Save the dog. I’ll explain it to my boss and if they fire me I can find a new job. I can always find a new job, but that one life is the only one the dog will get. Also, I’m just a big softy.
42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
(a) I don’t think I would tell anyone, at least not immediately. I wouldn’t want to be treated like I’m dying during my last days. I suppose I could tell a few very close people though, I just don’t want to be smothered.
(b) I would drop all the unnecessary responsibilities I have and start doing things that I want to do, but subtly. Still don’t want to be treated like I’m dying.
© I don’t know if I would be afraid. I like to think I wouldn’t, I might just be more sad than afraid. Sad to think about my friends and family having to live without me, sad I won’t get to do half the things I always dreamed of doing.
43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
“Brother” - NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw
&
“Simple Man” - Cover by Jensen Ackles
44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
A great romantic relationship should consist of communication, understanding, and honesty. Boundaries should be respected, you should always admit when you are wrong and never leave the house or go to sleep mad at each other. The mindset should be best friends before lovers. You should always want what is best for your partner, but always remember to care for yourself too.
45) How can I win your heart?
It’s pretty easy. If you can make me laugh, but also take part in a deep, soul-searching conversation we’re practically married.
46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Absolutely
47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
The single best decision I’ve made in my life so far was learning to take care of me first.
48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
“Don’t worry bitches, I’ll be back.” Probably not that, but I think it would be funny. Maybe something more like “Here lies: Your mom…. lol jk it’s just me, [insert full name]”
49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”
All that came to mind was Sam Winchester. *shrug*
50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?
Green
51) What is your current desktop picture?
A sea turtle
52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
I’d say probably this kid named Billy who goes to my church. If you met him you would know why.
53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
Oh god, okay well a lot of the time I would be afraid to tell the truth when people ask me if I’m okay. lol but don’t go asking me if I’m okay or anything after you read this cause that’s not cool.
54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
Oh, hell yeah, I would totally want super strength or laser eyes.
55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
I think I would relive the half-hour chunk of time from my 5th birthday party when me and my best friend at the time were outside in the cold November fog riding a miniature pony. There were other kids there, but only her and I were excited about it and I would honestly give anything to go back a relive that innocent bliss.
56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
I think I would erase having to lose my horse just March of this year.
57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
I would probably sleep with Demi Lovato or Sabrina Carpenter. This is kind of a hard question because usually I only know singers for their music, not their looks or anything.
58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Obviously, I’d go to see my soulmate. Although, I would have to be strategic about this. I think i would drive to go get her and then buy her ticket (bc mine’s free) and we’d go see mom. ( @assbutt-still-in-hell )
59) Ever been on a plane?
No, I don’t really want to, but I probably will at some point.
60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.
1. Jared Padalecki
2. Jensen Ackles
3. Misha Collins
4. Gal Gadot
5. Ian Somerhalder (and Genevieve Padalecki, why tf do I only get 5????)
What can I say except you’re WELCOME! Thanks for the questions, they only took me an hour and half to do lol.
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5/21/17
Slept in properly today--woke up a few times but I persevered and rose at 3 pm. Been having trouble sleeping the past couple days (like more trouble than usual) but I discovered laying down the wrong way, like feet towards pillow, that seems to help? My theory is it's like you've just flopped onto the bed after a long day. There's something weird going on with my tumblr messenger where it like, it'll buzz or beep but it won't have the little "you've got a message" number? And since my ADHD ass never checks messages immediately I promptly forget all about it, so like, sorry if I'm slow to reply y'all I got issues Oh speaking of issues--I might have a bit of an uh, eating disorder? It occurred to me today that while my quirky eating habits have existed for years, they must be getting worse because I've lost like... a third of my body weight. So I did some research bc tbh I didn't really know anything past the basic three but there's this one called ARFID/SED that's a little. On the money. And like I know I'm a hypochondriac and meeting most or all of the criteria does not a diagnosis make but this stopped being quirky like, 30 pounds ago, so I'm gonna start keeping a food log and talk to my therapist/s when I get back. That said: third a sleeve of biscuits, can of pringles, several butterscotch candies. 2 diet cokes and approx 1 glass of water Got some writing done for my PB fic--still sort of unsure how to go about organizing this next chapter but I'm gonna write it all out and then decide I think Ghost was in the shed today--I didn't realize for a long while until he started meowing. I thought mayday was hurt at first but then I realized it wasn't her voice slash her mouth wasn't moving lmao. He didn't come near me really but he wasn't aggressive to me or the kittens so ✌🏻️cool man. You do you
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since apparently theres no consequences for delivering unto this website extremely long and good takes i will present to you my hot take on the ace d'escourse, with no sources because I Dont Feel Like It. its more words than is reasonable bc i have been stewing in this for like 4 years and if i dont type it out at some point im going to fucking lose it. no, literally, it’s 3 pages long in word about shit no one cares about anymore. please remember to like and subscribe.
some background on me, i id’d as ace for something like 8 years, from the first time i read the wikipedia page on it back in maybe 2009 or thereabouts. i also id’d as aro for about a year in 2016. that is to say, i have a lot of compassion and understanding for asexual individuals and feel i understand the inclusionist side of the argument pretty well, as i never questioned inclusionism until maybe 2014 or so, when the discourse blew up. i took some time off tumblr because i was so fucking distraught to think that, as i id’d as aroace at the time, that i had to come to terms with not being lgbt. lol i was a little too attached to being ‘gay’ because... fun fact, past dumbass self... you are gay. anyway, i really dont want anyone to feel that i hate them, but after i cooled off a little bit i realized that the exclusionist take on asexuality just makes more sense. hopefully i can explain why clearly enough.
i really believe that what is understood as aphobia is 100% of the time simply a manifestation of our culture’s expectations surrounding sexuality. while “expectations surrounding sexuality” as a very broad topic does indeed cover both the lgbt community and people on the ace spectrum, facing these issues does NOT make a person lgbt. i subscribe to the idea that lgbt is for people targeted directly by homophobia and transphobia. ace issues ARE super important to talk about and the whole inclus/exclus nonsense is entirely because this discourse has been put under the wrong category. im aware that probably most people will not care that much about my opinion on the correct framing of asexual activism as i no longer id as ace but i think this is important for everyone. sexual expectations also weigh on straight individuals, especially women, and i’m going to describe a few examples to try to demonstrate why i believe both that it doesn’t make sense to consider asexuality lgbt as well as why it does make sense to frame it as an issue based mainly in misogyny.
call out post for myself, i use reddit, and i think the r/childfree community is a good example of what i think the framing should be like. although it’s acknowledged that not wanting children has larger social consequences for women, both men and women talk about their issues in the forum, including horrific accounts of reproductive coercion and rape, the intersections with race/being lgbt/ageism (although they could do a LOT better with intersectionality, many posters do touch upon it), profoundly cruel comments made by those who have/want children, difficulty finding an understanding relationship partner, discrimination at work, misunderstandings and even hatred from family and acquaintances, discrimination in healthcare, etc.
i think you can tell where i’m going with this. even though being childfree cuts against the expectations for sexuality in most societies, even though it leads to unfair judgment from others, and even though they face discrimination on the basis of the way they express their sexuality, childfree people do NOT frame parenthood/childfreedom as an axis of oppression, nor do they claim that their lack of desire for children makes them lgbt. it’s not even a question if straight childfree people are straight, because duh? nor if the presence of lgbt childfree people makes the whole community fall under the lgbt umbrella, because it obviously doesn’t.
to drive the point home, the reason why this is NOT an axis of oppression is because parents face a ton of issues as well! they also face reproductive coercion as well as judgment over the number of kids they have, constant scrutiny and moralization over every aspect of their parenthood style, judgment based on parents’ age/wealth/sexuality/marital or dating status/race, housing and employment discrimination, especially for mothers, the government hating poor parents and cutting their benefits, and more i’m sure i’m not thinking of. again, this is due to societal expectations of sexuality. to complete the analogy, people who aren’t ace face their own set of challenges and discrimination. part of homophobia/biphobia is tinged with hatred of our sexual attraction; no one except for straight white men is allowed to really express their sexuality without backlash, and even then there is this shame leading to a lack of proper sex ed and horribly unhealthy understandings of sexual attraction in a large portion of the populace. so calling aphobia an axis of oppression is just not right. and in addition, the large proportion of lgbt aces doesn’t make asexuality lgbt, that’s not how groups work.
some more on what i mean by ‘expectations around sexuality’... in terms of my experience in the US, there is some blueprint in many people’s minds of what a person should be like in terms of sexuality, and that is something like “cishet, abled man, who is neither ace nor aro, who gets laid regularly (but not to excess) starting no later than 18 and ending no later than 28 when he settles down with one cishet abled wife, also neither ace nor aro, who has only had sex with up to three committed boyfriends, and they have precisely two children, approximately two years apart in age, whom the parents can financially and emotionally support to the utmost, because they are also moderately to very well off, and the parents work under traditional gender roles to raise their children as conventionally as possible.” and if you deviate from this script in ANY way that’s viewed with moral panic and scrutiny by someone. and the connection to misogyny is that women are seen as sort of the bastions of sexual morality. we are punished especially harshly for nonconformity.
if you’re poor you’re fucked because either you don’t have kids or you can’t send them off to private schools and feed them fancy organic shit. if you’re lgbt or polyamorous or aro or ace? fucked! if you dare to reproduce as a disabled person, and if your disability impacts your parenthood, especially for women, you’re practically crucified even in liberal circles. if you have too few kids or too many (don’t you know only kids turn out weird? / how can you possibly raise 5 children properly?), if you have too much sex or too little, if you split up the work in your relationship not along gender lines, if you do unconventional things in your parenthood, like accept your trans kids or move a lot or any number of other things, the social judgment rains down like the fires of fucking hell. meaning practically no one can escape it!! huge bonus to the screaming crowd with pitchforks if you’re a person of color or a woman, mega ultra bonus to women of color.
but does that make everyone i just talked about lgbt? no! although every single one of the groups i mentioned is tangentially related through this issue, even though all of them face a lot of horrible problems and discrimination, that does not make those issues inherently lgbt. again, they are tangentially related and i could see a good case for solidarity among many of the groups mentioned; all of them are fighting for greater acceptance of different kinds of relationships, greater acceptance of seeking happiness and being who you are rather than pressuring everyone to conform as much as possible to the LifeScript. but all of those groups are equally related to the lgbt community - that is, tangentially only. just as you can be childfree and straight, a stay-at-home dad and straight, a straight woman of color, so too can you be polyamorous and straight, ace and straight, or aro and straight.
that’s it for my main point. ace and aro people? your lives are hard. i’m not going to downplay it in any way because i know there are a lot of people who actually hate your guts. fuck, i’ve seen people full-on shittalk asexuality, in the internet and real life, in the most blatant of ways, so it’s not just something you can necessarily escape by logging off. not as much so for aro people tbh but i predict as much once the Public gets more wind of your existence. i fully believe that you face a higher risk of sexual assault; discrimination in relationships, housing, and the workplace; horrible comments from everyone who thinks their shitty opinion on your sexuality and love life matters; and I believe you that that hurts and is terrible and that you deserve a place to discuss and provide support.
but. those issues are not exclusive to you. they’re not exclusive to lgbt people, or oppressed people, and so those issues don’t and cannot make you lgbt, nor do they make ace/aro vs. allo an axis of oppression. our communities intersect, yes, considerably, but you are not a subset of lgbt. perhaps our rhetoric can help you, but because straight ace and aro people exist you cannot and should not consider yourselves lgb+. i think you understand that the issues you face are a form of oppression, but they are the result of the toxic and misogynistic sex culture in this society, which, yes, targets lgbt people but also, practically everyone, including groups which are definitively absolutely not inherently lgbt, such as parents, gnc straight people, poc, disabled people, the list goes on.
to conclude, what really converted me to being an ace exclusionist was the example of a straight grey or demi ace. how could you possibly argue that someone who falls in love with the opposite gender only, but with more conditions or less frequently than someone not aspec, is lgb+, can call themselves queer, etc.? exactly what material reality does that person share with a gay or bi person? i think that their issues fall in line with aspec community issues but extremely clearly not at all with lgbt ones.
the end but post script since i brought up orientation modifiers:
perhaps it isn’t my place to say, but i don’t think that microlabels are very healthy and that it would make more sense for the ace community to work on expanding the idea of what sexuality is than to try to create a label to describe every single person’s experience of their sexuality. not that i think you should necessarily kick grey ace people out of the aspec community or that they’re not valid or whatever, but that perhaps it makes more sense to say that some people experience sexual attraction less frequently, and that’s alright. i don’t know.
i spent sophomore year of high school poring over those mogai blogs looking for some new orientation label that would make me go like, oh my god that’s me! and believing that if those labels helped people feel that way they weren’t doing any harm. but what actually finally made me feel like that was expanding my understanding of what attraction is and a better conception of lesbian issues and why i might feel so disconnected from my sexuality and why i might be obsessing over every interaction with a guy looking for signs i was attracted to him but feel super disgusted whenever they exhibited interest in me. i spent so long trying to go like maybe im cupioromantic lithsexual and feeling terrified that that i had such a weird and esoteric sexuality that no one could ever possibly understand enough to be in a relationship with me... like, ok dyke! i know a lot of people have had similar experiences and i don’t think i know a whole ton of people now in college who are still doing that, which makes me think those labels are more harmful than not.
i guess that’s anecdotal but it’s easier for me to believe that a person could cling to those labels due to internalized homophobia than actually have a new form of sexuality heretofore undiscovered throughout all human history, but that’s just me. and so many of them just sound so unhealthy, like dreadsexual. i really wish people would work on expanding what not being asexual can mean and look like and i dont think there would be this drive to create these labels anymore. even demisexual which i think is probably the most mainstream conditional orientation, i think many people who have never heard of it and are perfectly content not to would describe the way they experience sexuality a similar way and just consider it normal. sexual attraction isn’t necessarily having your nethers set aflame upon first making eye contact with someone, it looks different for every person and it’s alright to just be how you are without making it part of your whole identity.
The End II. this is 2,200 words. if you read this far you’re a fucking mad l- *the academy cuts my mic line while looking directly at the camera like in the office*
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10/5
I don’t even know where to start right now. It’s been about 4-5 months since I’ve logged into this account. Haha, every time I try to log in my original Tumblr acct, I seem to stumble upon my blog acct. I’m just an airhead and I can’t keep up with my T W O accounts. I know, haha.
School: I’m doing well in school, I mean passing. Passing is doing well, considering I’m in nursing school. I love nursing, I love schooling, I definitely want to continue my education. That’s not a question. I don’t know where I would like to work, I’m just trying to find my calling. They say you find it during clinical, but shit.. I haven’t found it. I want to do an easy job. I wouldn’t mind working the 12 hour 3 day/week shift for couple years, but not forever. I love kidneys, why? HAHA, i don’t even know. But I do, I would really like to work in an outpatient facility, a nice 9-5, off weekends type of thing. But I’m trying to get thru school, doing well on tests, and i’m going to pass NCLEX. Haha, like I really am. I’m not as dumb, and i’m getting smarter, and more confident.
I found really good friends in school and I’m lucky to have them.
Love: God, I love Thomas. Haha, he pissed me off just about 2 hours ago, and I’m still being petty, because that’s just who I am. He has so much patience with me. He’s been talking about getting engaged, and he really sees a future with me that involves a wedding and kids. It’s crazy to think about that. He’s been doing better, he’s telling me he loves me, I’m visiting him more, and we do this thing now, like whoever starts the fight first, has to pay the other one dinner, or money. It works out, because I can’t fight bc I can’t afford too. Hahaha. & we just booked our cruise dec. 17-22, he booked it, he’s paying for all of it. see, love. he loves me soo much.. <3
I’m graduating this Dec. and he’s graduating next Dec. In the meantime, I will be getting my licensure and soon after that I do plan on moving in with him. I don’t know how I’m gonna get a job in starkville for 8 months, that’s how long I’m gonna be there until he graduates. I do want to work for a company for at least a year, but ya know.. where are we going to live for an extra two months, I mean if I can line stuff up... I could get my license by the new year and move up sooner than expected. He has a job lined up in AK with his brother’s company. I know it’s a really good opportunity for him, and I really do want to get out of the coast so it’s a good opportunity for me. He needs the experience and with my degree, I can work anywhere.
He wants me to get off the coast, which I do too. But sometimes, I feel like is it too soon too? Where’s my experience? Am i just gonna pick everything I have here? my parents, family, friends, to live with him? i mean, sacrifices, i gotta make them. I love thomas, i dont know what i would do w/o him , it’s worth it, for him, me, and to make us work. I don’t want to be in another LDR. It sucks, i love having him around. Maybe just being alone here at home, just throws me in my thoughts and i’m playing this tug of war game in my head.
TT: To be completely honest, I’ve been thinking about TT and I haven’t really stopped since May. I’m still active on all my social media accounts, which I’m still friends with TT and damn, seeing his activity, drives me crazy. It pushes me to this point where I want to be what he wants? I try to listen to music that he shares? I see his activity on IG and I have to click it. I see that he’s super into like, J.cole, kanye, mac, stuff like that. I mean, I listen to that stuff here and there, but I dont consider that my style of music. Am I really trying to change myself? But anyways, I’m not mad that it happened between us. I’m just mad that it did. I dont know if that makes sense, I just wish that what happened, didn’t happen in the time span of literally 6 days. God, I’m so easy. I never think about, oh yeah.. what if we were together now in 2018, that doesn’t cross my mind at all. What more crosses my mind is what we could have been back in the day, how we could have been something back in ‘12. Like, I’m always searching for something to fill this void I have, I def know it’s not him. I know that positively, I just need something to fill it. Maybe it’s just the excitement, the courting, the laughing, the smiles. Honestly, I dont know, i’m just a confused girl. I don’t like him, when I see him. I get those feelings I had in HS, just annoyance. Lol.
DN: He was my first. I don’t miss him, I don’t think about the thought of “us”. It just blew my mind that he was looking for a relationship, and I was not. DN was a wonderful guy, just I’m not attached to him, lol. That’s good, because the saying is that the girl will always love her first, but I dont. Lol, so good for me? I guess.... That was the first time I was in that type of situation, and I finally just realized it. (I was the fuck girl) Honestly, at that age, I felt like he was embarrassed of me, of taking me out with his friends, being in public, and doing all that courting shit, taking me to my prom, but at the same time, we were only talking for about 2-3 months, and I expected alot. I wish i could change what I did, but it is what it is. Haha.
When I was dating PD, he reached out to me looking for lunch, or to meet up again. I said no, because I was dating PD and I respected the relationship I was in. He just said, oh, are you afraid of your BF? Something like that, I ended up deleting him and unfollowing him. I’m happy I did at that time, but now I’m not. I just honestly wanna be petty and fuck with his girl Kim. Hahaha, I really don’t like her. Maybe she’s insecure and wants to bag on her boyfriend’s ex. Which I totz understand, but damn, she’s making this to enjoyable haha. Honestly, if I had the chance to be with him, I wouldn’t take it. He’s a sweet guy, but no ambitions, brains. I don’t want a man-child to take care of.
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my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.
originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn
the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.
and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.
i feel like throwing up
i used “ex” up there and makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.
i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt
i keep listening to this song on repeat
https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind
but the real is back the ville is back
i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.
i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...
my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.
the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.
luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol)
the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.
its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.
“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”
this man luke in onto something
its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.
having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems. all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.
i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.
i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.
my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies
i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”
fuck wormy
usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.
and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.
to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective.
idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.
i love you
fuck wormy
goodnight
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