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amillion-littlepieces · 4 years

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2019 - Year In Review

Dec 31, 2019.

My anxiety had gotten so bad early this year I could no longer work. I was on extended leave from my job for the entire month of Feb. My parents being very worried, took me on a trip to Cuba.

Writing this gave me a chance to truly reflect on 2019. There were some growing pains but all in the effort of development and forward progress.

My journey of healing and recovery has been strongly correlated with self discovery. I've made a conscious effort to put myself out there and be vulnerable. To have the courage to be imperfect and share my story, all while trying my best to be kind to myself and as real, authentic and honest as possible.

Vulnerability can be uncomfortable, with shame and fear lingering from the past. However, vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. It sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but I've been fortunate enough to experience the power of vulnerability first hand.

Vulnerability is not an act of weakness and shows how courageous we truly are, as emotional risk, uncertainty and exposure are part of our EVERY DAY lives.

I'm not perfect, nobody is, but I'm in the arena everyday fighting with everything I've got. It's a struggle, but those glimmers of hope and belief make the tiniest amount of progress worth it. Believe me, it is true.

Countless friends, colleagues and medical professionals have encouraged me to write and share my story. I hope these words do help someone out there. In 2019 I fought for my life and won. It can get better no matter how hopeless it may seem. Never give up and remember you are worth saving.

Happy New Year and I hope the New Year brings everyone peace and growth. Thanks for reading!

2019, what a ride...I had to fight for my life this past year...and would WIN each time.

At the beginning of the year in early Jan my long term battle with anxiety reached its tipping point. I could no longer work and was on extended leave from my job. Now at home, left to my own devices, my anxiety spiraled downward into a deep depression. I was off work and mostly confined to my own house - this was for a MONTH. Without question the scariest and most uncertain crossroad I've encountered.

By the grace of God, and the family, friends, and colleagues who rallied to my side, I returned to work in March. This was after multiple failed attempts. I was blessed enough to have a colleague graciously go out of their way, essentially hold my hand, and walk me back into the office. I may not have been ready at the time, but it was needed.

When April rolled around the waves had settled. I was as productive as ever entering late spring into early summer, with the sense or normalcy and routine returning. Then as summer progressed, and on the back of the Raptors winning a championship, I regressed back into the "fast life", with destructive behavior crashing me back into reality. As a result, old battles of addiction, anxiety and depression again entered the forefront .

As we entered the Fall months everyday was an excruciating, gut wrenching and mentally exhausting war. Compounded by a few trusted colleagues leaving for better opportunities. This was a very murky junction in my life, again with my personal and now professional aspirations all marred with uncertainty.

In October I abandoned my plan of buying a condo and moved out of my family home into my own apartment. What a whirlwind this period was, but words can't express how grateful and fortunate I am to have my own space to heal and recover.

I then began something brand new, which was recommended by many for years - meditation. This really led me down a rabbit hole of self discovery. I returned to therapy and began educating myself about trauma, anxiety, addiction and depression through TED Talks and reading academic research. Essentially learning as much as possible. This began the climb back up the mountain. Unfortunately, this was the same time I had a falling out with a best friend, a brother, and a very close buddy I've known literally my whole life.

Oct, Nov, and early Dec came with ups/downs, major steps forward, and painful steps backwards. Despite all this, I write this on the eve of a new decade, with as much hope and belief as I've ever had. I have the best support system of family, friends and professionals I can recall. This includes two current colleagues who are kind enough to lend an ear and counsel on a daily basis. I've also engaged with as many resources as possible - therapy, addiction programs and peer mentors.

It is now 100 + days of successful harm reduction, and this will be the first holiday season in YEARS where I did not spiral backwards with tried and true destructive behavior. Necessary changes I was previously scared shitless of are unfolding naturally and boundaries are being established.

Don't get me wrong there are still bumps in the road - ones that cut deep, hurt, sting, shake you to your core, test your character, break your heart, and seductively remind you of the old days. With that being said, for me it's the incremental growth, the slow progress, small wins, and little tangible improvements that make it all worth it.

Just a little while back I was fortunate enough to regain hope. Now I'm starting to really BELIEVE. To my surprise, the good times are beginning to hold more weight and value than the often experienced lows. This is an uplifting and encouraging transition. I believe the future will bring similar growth and development.

The best analogy that comes to mind is the end of Shawshank Redemption. I feel like I've crawled through all this shit and I'm just about to come out successfully and free on the other side. I'm almost there, and look forward to seeing you in greener pastures on the other side soon!

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Please share with anyone who could benefit from these words. Thank you.

Dec 31, 2019.

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