#I'm feeling SUPER NORMAL can you tell
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Captain Olassa Appreciation Post
For uh....completely innocent reasons. She’s. She’s fine.
No, in all seriousness though--Olassa is the longest-running NPC in this campaign, she was one of the first characters I created who really made Suncrest feel alive to me.
(Ironically enough. She’s a paladin of the Raven Queen.)
At the end of today’s session, after acting as a rearguard to cover the party’s retreat, she sent them and their mage friend Arlette on a mission to find a way to close the breaches and cut off the invasion--something which cannot be done from within a besieged city, and if they’re going to get out of the city, it has to be done now, because by morning they’ll be cut off completely.
She gave them these orders while steadily braced and reforming a line of battle with the shattered, scrambling city guard. It was very clear that she did not intend to go with them. It was equally clear that every guard in that square is going to die.
Arlette and Nimbus both tried to convince her to live to fight another day; Andromeda, to whom she’s been a major mentor, just swallowed hard and thanked her, and promised to say a prayer for her to both her own god and to the Raven Queen.
(Andromeda, a book-dumb paladin of Pelor, has absolutely no knowledge of the long-running tension between their respective deities. She has no idea how deeply and profoundly touching--how significant--it is, what she just offered, or the fact that she burned one of her last spell slots to give Olassa Protection From Good And Evil keyed to the fae as one of their last interactions.)
Her last words were, as a quiet reassurance to Andromeda, “I am not afraid to meet my lady.”
Before that, to Nimbus, as he tried to convince her to run with them and try to regroup later:
“You are very young, Nim. Defiance in the face of hopeless odds is--is your birthright. But I am older than you, and wiser. I have oaths to uphold. I am guard-captain of Suncrest and a paladin of the Order of the Breaker of Chains, and there are things worth dying for.”
Last the party saw of her--and where we left the session--she was standing in a chokepoint, halberd levelled against the top of her shield, bracing for a charge.
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#something is very obviously different about these two compared to my normal images on this blog. i acknowledge this#also the sv model is Really good. and since they always stare straight at the camera anyway… and no one pays attention to the background…#and the only high-quality phantump model i could find was so horribly shiny that its eyes were just white voids#in my defense‚ phantump always just stare straight at you in game#the lighting is different‚ yeah. that's probably the dead giveaway. beyond the background. but like. i'm the only being on the planet who#really likes phantump anyway. i feel like it's a generally forgettable pokémon to most folks#phantump#HELLO this one is a weird one. i have some explaining to do. so when i did this one i didn't know how to edit models really at all#and when i got the models for these‚ the xy models were super shiny. shiny to the point that it made their eyes fuckin invisible#and i decided that since you could barely tell it was phantump‚ i needed a different way to get these images#i remembered that in the SV dlc‚ every time you find a wild phantump‚ it just fucking. stares. at you. and i was like. aha#i kinda remembered because of the test stream that i did. tumblr user alligayytorr (am i getting the right amount of Ys) said#“haha i am getting a sneak peek” when i zoomed the camera in on a phantump. and i remembered that. and i was like. i can utilize this#and ended up using just an in-game screenshot of SV in replacement of the regular content. later on‚ after that#once we got into gen 7 and it became less and less reliable to find models‚ i had to learn how to edit them manually to remove the shine#i am a software dev. not a 3d modeler. this ended up coming down to editing the code of the models directly (which i ended up writing a#script to automate). now‚ today‚ january 22nd (the day of me writing these tags and updating this post)‚ i remembered this post was in the#queue and was not normal. so i went back‚ ran the script on the phantump and trevenant models‚ and unshinified them#then edited these two posts to be normal. i have left the original pictures i took under the cut for reference and as bonuses#because i really enjoy phantump. so that's why those images are there‚ and that's why these tags are here#just for posterity's sake‚ the folks who come here mostly for my commentary‚ i've left the ORIGINAL tags of the post when i initially#made it with the SV pictures up at the top (i wanted to rearrange them‚ but tumblr makes that Very difficult‚ so i left them as-is)#so if these tags are confusing to read i Apologize. but i hope now that you're at the bottom you understand what happened#i'm gonna go edit the trevenant post now
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how do you know the difference between a huge anxiety attack and a panic attack?
#i think i had a panic attack yesterday but idk......#god it felt so awful and it went on for like 3 hours#but i also had like a hundred things going on so idk if it was like the accumulation of everything or if it was really a panic attack yk#i was at the fair with my family waiting for my best friend to arrive bc i was going to hang out with her#and yk it's a place full of people and we were standing right next to a huge speaker hearing a man talk#and also each place in the fair has different music playing super loud and you can hear all of them at the same time (+ the flashing lights#all that causes me anxiety every since i was little (even if i didn't know it was anxiety back then)#so i *knew* i was going to have the greatest time and i didn't really want to go there in the first place#but even with that i wasn't really haven't a bad time (yet)#we were just stading there and i was waiting for my friend to call me so we could go somewhere else#she called me to tell me she was coming and right when i hung up the phone i felt a really strong pang on my belly#and idk at first i thought it was period cramps but it was weird bc my period had actually stopped that same morning#also i had taken a painkiller right before going there bc all that i mentioned earlier also gives me migraines so there's that too#so yeah the pangs kept getting stronger and it hurt so fucking bad to the point my legs started trembeling#my vision blured and every sound around me seemed to almost fade away#there wasn't any place i could sit down so i gad to cling to my dad and he had to hold me so i didn't fall to the ground#i think i almost (?) fainted in his arms too#after a while the dizzines went away and my dad went to get me smth to drink and i mostly got my hearing and vision back to normal#all that was like 10 minutes max but then the pangs kept hitting every minute or so for the next 3 hours#we found a place to sit and find smth to eat but i couldn't eat anything without wanting to throw up#my legs wouldn't stop shaking like fucking crazy and i kept going from feeling like i was freezing to sweating from how hot i felt#idk i've had smth like this (w/o the pangs) happen to me before a bunch of times but never That strong and it usually lasted 5-10min max#we ended up having to go home and i had to take some more painkillers and my sleeping pills to be able to calm down a little#i'm pretty sure i fell asleep from exhaustion after everything and i'm still feeling a bit weird after almost 24 hours since it happened#anyways. the thing is idk if all that was caused bc of my anxiety#or if it was smth completely unrelated and i just had such a bad tummy ache that it made me feel bad enough to cause All That yknow#i think it felt pretty much like how i've heard people describe a panic attack but again i'm not sure#yeah.........#maca speaks
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the webtoon may have left out a lot of things but they did yassify the orcs which is the funniest thing to me right now
*sigh* they did yassify the orcs <3
now i want to see what they'll do with the sirens and whether i should be excited or worried lmao
#hey i got an ask#Anonymous#the greatest estate developer#tged#also. can we talk about the elephant on the room.#listen i may be totally be wrong about this and i would love to hear you guys' thoughts about this but.#doesn't it feel a little. weird. this thing the webtoon has about making muscular women look overly scary or rough?#like i feel it's gone under the radar because most of us just went 'oh hell yeah muscular women that shit rules let's go!'#but..... i think that wasn't... actually what the artists had in mind when they did. that.#like for example mellica. she's great i love her top tier character design. but look at her. and tell me the way they presented her#doesn't look like a set up for the audience to go 'oh super muscular woman is scary ha ha'. be honest.#now to be fair! all the elves look buff! like they actually look like people who train and fight and do archery constantly! they look great#so i can pass it off as a maybe a little clumsy attempt to give us more buff female characters it's fine whatever#but then we get to the lady ella bit. and uh. well.#how do say this.. it feels. mean-spirited? sorta?? a little mean??#not even because i was really looking forward to this arc i'm a big girl i can swallow my disappointments like an adult and all that#but it feels like the joke there was 'ha ha man in a dress looks weird isn't that funny? ha ha men are attracted to him that's hilarious'#especially because they went out of their way to make javier look overly burly and buff while wearing the dress#i joked about it but doesn't it feel weird?? we know javier is a pretty guy he's muscular but he's also lean and almost... delicate looking#when wearing his normal clothes#he's a pretty guy! in the novel he could easily pass as girl with no issues!#and instead the webtoon decided to make him look so big and buff he was almost ripping the dress because of how burly he is?#like clearly the joke was 'this guy can't pass for a woman and it's funny that no one seems realize it and even think he's beautiful'#and they even went with the 'i respect your fetishes' joke which. oh boi.#so i'm worried about what kind of jokes they'll make when we get to the mermaids which are described as really big and muscular#even in the novel. in which there are some illustrations that i still haven't decided how much i like tbh#and maybe i'm exaggerating! maybe i'm being paranoid! maybe i'm making a big deal out of nothing and seeing mean jokes#out of a simple gag with no ill intentions behind it!#but i just. think it's weird. and not really all that funny. and i wanted to acknowledge it cause i felt uncomfortable not saying anything#so i'd like to know what you guys think. i think i need more perspectives on this before i say something dumb(er) lol
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#vent post essay ahead lol#having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad.#the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like#i mean im talking abou t me here obviously.#being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like.#it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help.#i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to#like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m#i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s#i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's#it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus#i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li#i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like#ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know#and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like .#i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad.#my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik#my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine#makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS#it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well.#i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum#fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri#you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though#so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do#and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode#and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate.#i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day.#jane mary cry one tear
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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I really should not try to add 'create video content, a thing I have never done before' to my cicada plans when I've already got a lot of other stuff to keep track of but I do kinda want to on account of I do wanna try eating some and I'm really annoyed that almost everything I could find about doing that is framed as 'WOOOAAHH EEEUUUGH you can EAT?? these HUGE DISGUSTING BUGS???? watch me EAT some BUGS OOOAAHHHH' like okay I get it we live in the culture we live in but there's really not even one video on this from the perspective of approaching entomophagy in the spirit of sincere openness and curiosity??
#I've had this problem before researching entomophagy it's so annoying kfgjhdfkj#'eating crickets and grasshoppers is like. really popular and normal in a LOT of places'#'SURELY I will be able to find SOME recipes and flavor perspectives from someone for whom it's just normal food'#no. lol.#gotta do everything my damn self#there is ALWAYS nestled somewhere in these things 'this is super normal all over the world and actually it tasted pretty good'#but it is ALWAAAAYSSS couched in 'WOAHH... OOOUGHHH... can you BELIEVE????' sensationalism#I'm not SURPRISED I'm just ANNOYED. like of course that's the majority but like. ALL of it??#so anyway I don't know how to do this but I wanna make a 'trying a cicada dish' video that blithely pretends that's normal#like listen you don't need ME to tell you 'in our culture this is weird and gross!!' you know this already#incidentally I feel the same way about articles or videos about 'look how cool/ beautiful/ interesting/ beneficial this spider is'#that waste A LOT of time going 'obviously everyone HATES spiders and thinks they're TERRIFYING and DISGUSTING'#before lamely segueing into 'but this one's cool actually. believe it or not' UNNECESSARY AND ANNOYING. UNDERMINING YOUR OWN POINT#... you know if it turns out I don't like them at all actually I'm going to be incredibly annoyed kjgfhdfk#about me#cicada quest
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coming out of my baldurs gate 3 delirium (aka i am working a night shift and can't physically play it. at work.) to say that horikoshi. horikoshi when i GET YOU. you are NOT leaving izuku with no quirk and no arms. i am in your walls
#bnha spoilers#also. more evidence that horikoshi read zero-sum game#like come on the twins thing the izuku losing his quirk thing the losing his arm thing the shiggy getting decay from afo thing#TELL ME THE TRUTH HORIKOSHI. DID YOU READ MY FANFIC.#i'm joking of course. he's just done a really good job of foreshadowing through the series. its a marker of an amazing author#and i know that izuku probably won't lose both his arms and his quirk. i fully expect it to be a happy ending in some way shape or form#this is a sixteen year old boy who sacrificed EVERYTHING. more than he ever had to give#and he had less than a year. LESS THAN A YEAR.#sorry i'm already crying thinking about the scene of him holding shigaraki's hand even though it will decay him........#izuku who knows better than ANYONE what shigaraki's power can do.... reaching out to him. caring more about others than about himself.#he's just. he's so good. he's SO GOOD. he deserves the world#tbh i feel like eri HAS to be involved at this point. she's the deus ex machina in all this#that or overhaul#both of their abilities can at least physically restructure izuku's body#it would actually be a very interesting redemption point for overhaul.......#i mean WHY ELSE RESCUE HIM. and why give him THE SAME FUCKING INJURY#what a powerful thing it would be to have eri give overhaul his arms back#and overhaul learning about goodness and forgiveness from this girl he's done nothing but abuse and torture#and saves izuku........#its about ATONEMENT. its about GROWTH. its about IT NEVER BEING TOO LATE.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE YOU MY HERO ACADEMIA#... ok. i'm normal. its fine.#on another note#i loved the ending to my first bg3 run which i think i finished Tuesday/Wednesday. i cried.#IMMEDIATELY started a durge run where i'm playing a male human bard instead of the female half-wood elf ranger#i was like 'haha. i'll make a character based on hisoka from hxh! i'm gonna be SOOOO evil! >:))#and guess who still isn't good at being big evil. ME. at worst i'm probably chaotic neutral.#its wild i'm already finding SO MANY new scenes i missed on the first playthrough even though i'm making a lot of the same choices#so it still feels super fun and fresh. more so now because i kind of know the characters and the mechanics better#my current playthrough i'm with lae'zel shadowheart and asterion with no intention of switching out
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Get yourself some soup and blankets girl!
a) any soap thats got a thick consistency actually hates me personally and b) i have another fever lmfaooooo
#sophie speaks#sophie answers#moots#cyb3rd0g#my beloved cyb3rd0g#for you are the only one who cares for poor me#but geniunely i love seeing you in my askbox thank you for being so consistent!!! you are very appreciated!!!#anyways me being sick doesnt usually affect my appetite#actually thinking about it never does im never NOT hungry. even when I'm really really sick (like hospital sick) i still get hungry#just any food options make me feel gross#also fun fact when i get super duper ultra mode sick i get really really stupid beyond my normal level#and always end up asking for the sorts of food i should NOT be eating#'greetings mother i know i just had a shivering fit so violent i almost bit my tongue off but id like dominos hawaiin pizza pls'#and they just go along with it because whenever they offer me something healthier i just don't eat it#can not tell you why im built like this yes it makes me feel much much worse#i think like at a certain point something gets disconnected in my brain towards pain and i start acting real odd#living in chronic pain has made me even weirder than i was before
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too scared to go off anon but we are mutuals and i love seeing your posts about the disney rides and such. its like peeking in a window to something i know nothing about but enjoy seeing on my dash regardless
HAI MYSTERY MUTUAL!! glad ya like it! disney parks are a hyperfixation so it's always fun to post about for me :)
#i always forget disney parks fan hypocrisy isn't something everyone's aware of it's just rly funny to me#also pro tip if you ever see disney parks fans other than me saying a new expansion will ruin the park it won't i prommy#these ppl hate anything new until they actually see it and then it's the greatest thing since sliced bread#and they will never aknowledge they were ever wrong <3#hoping to go to more theme parks next year! would love to go to californias great america again#since it's the closest thing i have to a home town park and it's closing down soon#REALLY wanna go to knotts berry too ghostrider looks like the most perfect coaster ever#would love to go to disneyland again too obv but that's WAY more expensive#like gas to get there alone is insane#i really should post some disney parks tips#i feel like a lot of the super disney parks fans that go there every day take some knowledge for granted#and then some things like if you need genie+ or not are complex answers they they usually just answer with a simple yes or no#anyways number 1 tip of the day is to get walking shoes. doesn't need to be super fancy just some good ol walking shoes#sketchers are my personal fav#DO NOT GO TO ANY DISNEY PARK WITHOUT WALKING SHOES#you will think since you go on walks in your normal sneakers you'll be fine but you won't be i promise 💀#^ can you tell i'm very normal about theme parks by this tag wall.#sassy speaks#asks#anon
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man idgaf about what treville and richelieu have going on (mostly nothing) (they dont like each other but they work together a lot bc of their jobs.) (i guess treville holding onto a sense of honour whilst working with the cardinal is interesting but like that's not. thats not really those two having something interesting going on). lets talk about the king and the cardinal man.
#the way the king sometimes resents the cardinal's influence but is so easily manipulated to feel lost without it.#the fact that he'll openly acknowledge the cardinal wants him to rule unfairly and play favourites. with a fond look on his face#''i will disband their whole regiment if that's what it takes to make you happy. only please don't leave me alone'' with tears in his eyes#all of which was exactly what the cardinal was going for and he just gets away with it!#the queen finds out he was trying to have her Killed and she says yeah fuck you obvi but i wont tell the king tho bc he loves you ?#i'm not saying any of this is like romantic to be clear lol. it's just very interesting#i mean i dont think it can probably be categorised really. but im definitely not calling it that#it is super interesting though the way the cardinal needs to undermine the queen and place himself closer to the king to succeed in his aim#it would be somewhat appropriate for sure to say its kind of a parent-child relationship in some ways but that's definitely not all of it#in terms of the way the king relies on him and his guidance. but again thats not all of it and he's not a child. or not actually a child.#and i could say this about any of the relationships between men on the show but of course Because they're both men that means the#Possibility of it being anything but fully platonic is not something he can acknowledge and for that reason whether it is or Not there's#still going to be a level of repression and denial that just complicates things. even though/if theres not truly anything to deny#meanwhile honestly i think the cardinal is personally being normal about it even tho he's a freak about a lot of other things#i mean idk that was my impression. i am sorta-watching through s1 again so maybe i'll develop my ideas on that#anyway#me.txt#musketeers posting
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Thinking about outsider art and how beautiful and amazing and important it is, and yet a lot of the interest in it is not necessarily in the lives, stories, and messages of the primarily mentally ill/disabled people that make it, but rather the fact they're "crazy" and "insane" and "holy shit those artists must have been on drugs or something!" like holy shit can you be any more fucking stigmatizing towards mentally ill/disabled artists whose conditions heavily influence their work
#hi I'm Micki#I'm a mentally ill artist whose mental illnesses heavily influence their work#and I'm very mad about this!!!#like christ can abled people PLEASE be normal about disabled and mentally ill ppl for like five fucking seconds please I am BEGGING you#like you can enjoy and celebrate outsider art without further perpetuating ableist attitudes towards the artists that make it#also i should clarify that there's absolutely nothing wrong with using drugs to help with creating art or coming up with concepts for art#but the idea that ppl can only come up with super creative and conceptual art with the aid of drugs is just. not correct at all lol#anyway#shut up micki#art#art rant#also uhhhh feel free to tell me I'm wrong about anything in this post bc I love hearing outside perspectives#and also I am not an authority figure on ableism in the art world whatsoever
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Bahhh
#been feeling crummy#doesn't help my eliptical machine finally gave up#but I've been obsessing again#i hate it when I do this because I don't feel like I have any control over it#no matter how hard I distract myself I just keep thinking about the pains and stuff#this morning I couldn't stop thinking about how abandoned I feel/felt#yesterday and today i just feel ugly. unsightly.#and i wanna make friends but also i know I'm super intense with my feelings and reactions.#and i know. we just live inna day and age where people just. don't have the patience for it#it feels like if i ever complain to anyone they'll just abandon me and complain about how like#self absorbed and emotional I am#and I know this is all irrational but when it actually happens to you when the worst case scenario actually happens#you get so jumpy and frightened#my problems seem so intense and so much cause everytime I bring it up I judt get hit with#“oh.” or “wow.” or “im sorry.”#and its like you're clearly uncomfortable! and now I feel bad! and its like I can never tell anyone whats wrong.#and the few people who do listen I can never get them to talk to me in normal circumstances#so i feel like you're a therapist more than a friend and thats worse bc its like im using you#vent#i just feel like crying but I know it wont fix anything and i'll just get another nose bleed
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call the hairdresser and call the mediator because the way i'm splitting to the fucking ends right now
#babes i'm so sorry about it i'm SO sorry about it but i don't think we can blame this one on the period craziness anymore#i've not even been that mentally ill lately but my friend said we like can't hang out before he goes back to school#AND my sister doesn't want to hang out tn and i'm genuinely like? i'm going to break my fucking phone#like okay i'll just kill myself. whatever. i'm becoming super fucking toxic it's really bad#obviously i don't say this shit this is internal i'm not gonna push for anything that's super fucked#but like. ohhhh my God the rage i'm feeling right now. i need to kill someone#literally why am i like this. no explanation no anything i'm just like this? who fucked me over though like what happened#what's my tragic backstory i've got nothing i'm literally just crazy#he's not even answering my fucking texts anymore like tell me to die. pussy. do it. do it! fuck w me right now#and i was so nice i literally was like. hey no worries how's your summer been what's been going on!#i'm watching more youtube within the last 10 minutes of checking my phone i've almost thrown up and thrown it twice#do you think people try to fuck me over. do you think that's a thing. like they're testing me#if you showed me some of my old online friends right now the way i would rip them into pieces#my girlfriend's been pissed lately too like it's my two best friends riding for me and nobody else#oh he replied fucking great. shooting myself in the head i'm so manic pixie for this i'm so fixing him right now#i'm not he's got a girlfriend. but like. whatever. could've been me & i think about that when i'm mad#i do not like him but me and her are literally the exact same she's just prettier and smarter and i'm more of a good person#not right now though. i need to loop someone gets hurt from mean girls until i'm fucking normal#neg#vent#suicide tw
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Oh here's my mental illness wall btw
#it's not quite finished. I think it needs a crucified jerma. and some amogus#there's also some more of it to the side but it's mostly just crazed memes#sprawling idiot sweats#devil may blather#I'm super normal as you can tell#everyday I look up and see mr motivation and I feel a little motivated
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I mean I like my therapist, and she's usually correct about most things at the end of the day
But fuck
Like her response to me telling her I hate myself and feel like a social failure because i failed at an interview for a program in my university was to tell me she thinks I might be on the autism spectrum,
and that means according to her that I shouldn't have even fucking bothered trying to go for that program "because you probably got rejected because they were looking for a more neurotypical brain" and I "probably just got stressed and reverted back to my instinctual total lack of social skills" and I shouldn't even try to fucking correct it because I can't
And I don't know
Like what the actual fuck
#and now my brain is constantly filled with thoughts about that so i can't even freaking sleep cause my brain is annoying#so thats a fun bonus#like don't get me wrong#i don't like mind that she thinks I'm on the spectrum#honestly i mildly suspected the same thing in a super minor way#but#i refuse to believe that telling someone who feels like a social failure:#“oh yeah that's true and it's an innate part of you that you cannot change”#is ever like comforting#which according to her was what she was going for???#like idk#i fucking hate myself even more now i guess#i mean fuck me i guess#i guess that my quest for acting like a normal fucking person was doomed since the fucking beginning#autism#i guess?#ask to tag if there's some way i should tag this#or alternatively if i should just remove the autism tag or something?#like i don't want to make somebody with autism feel bad about themselves and i know i phrased things in a way that can be read like that#so tell me if there's a better way to tag this#I'm just... tired#lia rambles
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