#I'M BAD AT BALANCING I GUESS
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Many nights at 11:15 pm I realize that I didn't do anything I wanted to get done that evening, though nor did I do anything to relax, and instead spent it all...idk, languidly washing dishes, pacing around my apartment, and scrolling apps. And I always say 'tomorrow...tomorrow I will use my time wisely'. Ad nauseam.
#I'm either glued to my computer screen drawing my comic til 11 or#fucking around but never in a way that is actually fun or enriching#I'M BAD AT BALANCING I GUESS#maybe tomorrow I really WILL use my time wisely#i need to return back to my january resolution where if I refresh or cycle through apps three times I...do something else for an hour
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Dragon siblings
#my art#pokemon#drayton pokemon#elite four drayton#iris pokemon#champion iris#She is smol#Tiny even. Drayton has the big bad grandpa genes to grow into a giant#So who's the little sibling now sis?#Not pictured: me screaming over hair#It is infact very cute but also complicated and I just wanted to do a little sketchy sketch and two hours later I'm finally done#The pose completely changed from what I had in mind too. First I wanted iris hanging off him like a kid but now she's using him to keep her#Balance while posting#Which i guess is just as cheerful
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Totally unaffected by this gesture of affection, definitely (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#The Captain#ZEX#Forgive the quality lol I wanted to make them pretty but then- Well you know lol#Dandelions <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3#You know it's bad when you start getting excited about the most mundane little signifiers <3#Dandelions deserve way more love than they get anyway it all balances out#I just hghh it's such a simple setup but there's a lot of feelings that can be expanded upon!#Like would Zelnick know about dandelions cultural ties?? He grew up on Unzervalt - unless someone brought some with them!#Or explained it I guess - but also Unzervaltians seem like scrappy underdogs sprouting up in the sidewalk cracks to defy the Ur-Quan too#Feels like it would actually mean a lot to him if he knew their symbolism!#But even if he didn't - they're Earth Flora! A piece of his home that /should/ just be mundane and everyday and not a big deal but it is!!#I legit teared up at Zelnick appreciating a blue atmosphere ah <3#He loves Earth so much wah <3 The naturalistic storytelling in his internal monologue are genuinely So Good#And then y'already know I love ZEX gifting him flowers lol I really do need to finish that one comic I posted the preview of it's cute!#Any little way that he engages with human courtship is The Cutest to me <3 Trying so hard to impress his love!#Trying so hard to cross that cultural gap agh it gets me bad! Seeing humans as more than just pretty somethings to be enjoyed at a distance#ZEX's pride also gets me bad hehe but I really love when he uses his intelligence to try to relate and understand#See humans as complex individuals both personally and in different cultures! He gets so distracted so easily hehe silly ♪#Also I don't know if I have anywhere else that it'd come up but agh gods his and Zelnick's conversation about the eventual fallout of ZEX's#kidnap attempt - Literally The Best like ugh!! ♥ I /tried/ to write something half that exact and eloquent and it's just right there! Gah!!#S'beautiful s'so good fjdslafd I'm love I'm love
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I don’t think Hawkeye got more pessimistic or cynical wrt the war ending as the show/war went on.
Hawkeye says he’d make the same bet that the war was over in Ceasefire every time, and I think that holds true.
He tries to stop the war again in Peace on Us, he still goes on idealistic campaigns in the late seasons in episodes like Back Pay and Guerilla My Dreams and Blood and Guts etc, he tells his dad he’ll see him as soon as he can and he reassures BJ that they’ll all go home eventually in Period of Adjustmnt. And in GFA Hawkeye was eager for the war to end, not disbelieving. He leapt up upon hearing the announcement that both sides were preparing to sign an armistice agreement and demanded to go home since the war was virtually over. He also expected Sidney to send him home directly from the hospital and was surprised and betrayed when he didn’t.
I never get the sense that Hawkeye believes on any level including metaphorical that the war will never end or that he’ll be stuck there forever. He occasionally makes joking references to it lasting forever because the show pokes fun at itself for lasting longer than the Korean war, plus time flies when you’re having fun and when you’re stuck in a war zone time crawls so it’s an exaggeration of that, but he never loses that idealism, that knowledge that eventually this war will end and he’ll go home.
That said, I do think he got more cynical wrt losing his belief that he can do any good while he’s there. Like, that’s his thin ray of hope as depicted in Letters, and that’s what’s finally completely lost in GFA, imo. And alongside that I think you can see hints of it in the way his campaigns get less focused on achieving something after being burned so many times and more focused on just stating his mind, and even that falls by the wayside by the point of Say No More where it finally seems truly futile and he just silently walks away from the evil general du jour.
He never believes that he’s stuck in the war, and I don’t think that’s a relevant element to his story at all, but he stops believing there’s any silver lining to his time there.
#mash#marley on mash#hawkeye mash#i also think he just gets more exhausted and stops resisting the military as much but that's not really relevant to this character#trajectory#also i think this shift in hawkeye is correct and real - they don't do any good there and there are no real silver linings#it's an accurate realization for hawkeye#as far as i'm concerned#at least they don't do enough good to even come close to balancing out the bad yk i'm not saying saving children's lives is bad#i'm saying it doesn't stack up#(i found this in my drafts and ihni why i didn't post it? i can guess it's bc i saw a post about hawkeye believing he'll never leave and#didn't want to come across as argumentative#but i like this it deserves to see the light of day)#(hopefully i didn't refrain from posting it because i wrote an equivalent post and forgot lol)
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and if all the people who told you one day it won't hurt all the time and there will be a sunny day and you will be able to notice how beautiful it is were right. what then.
#the number of times over the last week I've nearly burst into tears because I realized I was experiencing joy untempered by sadness!#for the first time in so so long! It's over two years since I've been this at peace!#only by the grace of God am I still here at all#and I don't know I guess I just got used to being miserable but now I'm getting reacquainted with joy.#she's a good and loyal friend and I've missed her dearly.#I think the most peace I've known was on Sunday#It was the two year anniversary of the single worst day of my life#And two years out....I didn't feel like mourning. There's still a sense of loss but what God has given me instead is so much better.#I'm in such a better place mentally and emotionally and even physically with just being safe and being in school and doing well in classes#And I have friends I trust and love and who love me and a balance of work and rest that I never thought I'd have#And in class today we were talking about generalized anxiety disorder which I believe I used to have and...probably don't anymore#Like I used to spend so much time and energy just worrying and then also trying to avoid anxiety attacks and I just...don't anymore#It's been such a slow process and there are of course good and bad days and weeks but overall my brain has healed so much#and realizing that was wild#on healing
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Weird fucking end of the day, y'all!
I've got a progress pride flag pin and a little round ace pride flag pin on my backpack. The progress pin has been there long term but even the ace pin has been on there for probably a year now. I've gotten exactly one chill "hey me too!" in that whole time (nice!)
So ofc it's the day I'm drop dead tired, I'm talking brain absolutely fried, need to get home asap, lay on the floor, and recalibrate type of bone tired. Ofc THIS is the day a coworker I'm walking out of the building with decides to ask what the ace pin is
#It's chill overall but it was kind of awkward and I just feel kinda weird#I'm weird about it much of the time tbh but especially with my brain whirring along at dial up speed from the world's longest Tuesday#So idk. I guess I sort of came out to 2 coworkers today#The first big test of my ''I'll share if asked/directly relevant'' philosophy given being ace is almost never directly relevant or obvious#No one was bad about it I just said it was an ace/ asexuality pride pin#(I have trained myself to say the full word for better comprehension. but not well enough that i don't still say ace first every time lol)#Got a ''oh I don't think I've seen that one before''#And I said something lame like ''yeah its not as commonly known''#Awkward beat. No direct follow up. Felt like maybe I should elaborate but not sure about what really#Could have explicitly said I was ace I guess. Probably that was the move. In hindsight and all. definitely the move!#I bet people are more likely to understand a direct coming out social script than a nominally-small-talk-about-pride-flags one#Not that I really know what I want someone to say when I come out either. Just....acknowledgement? something not mean?#Idk it just felt awkward all around. Vaguely weird. Not actually bad really. Just. Threw me off balance.#the literal end of dayness of it all too. timing really is everything in this life i swear#So that was my Tuesday afternoon!
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Sometimes I am reminded that For Honor can be both the most fun shit in the world and also the most viscerally unfun thing to ever exist in the universe and it depends entirely on who you're fighting and how many of them there are
#Idk what they did to make my favourite event exhausting to play but I'm just grappling with that still#Every time Test your Metal has been around I've been SO excited#like it is without question my favourite event mode#but idk they brought it back again and it just feels so much worse to play now#and I really honestly genuinely have no idea why#because on paper it's basically no different than it used to be#so like#why is it just not fun to me anymore#am I just worse now? did my extended hiatuses from this game make me just bad? Like is it a skill issue?#Is my deep anger and disappointment at the devs' attempts to bleed every cent from people possible just venting through a different outlet?#Is this because of the balance changes they've made to every character in-between now and the last time this event happened#gradually homogenizing the cast into the same orange-or-blue 50/50 guessing game?#Am I realizing that idk if I even actually like playing For Honor most of the time anymore#and just keep playing it because I'm desperately hoping a better game comes along that plays similar#and am just imagining this theoretical other game whenever I play it thinking about the potential it had#that was wholly squandered by making it an always-online live service game that egregiously haggled you for cash at every turn?#I genuinely don't know#all I know is that I'm tired man#I'm just deeply painfully tired#and only partly because it is 6:30am and I haven't slept yet#lmao#Pun's text Posts#for honor
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#reoccurring imagery of tonight: so fucking much violence#throwin up blood cause he tore somethin outta me#knowing he fantasizes abt watching me choke on my own blood#the time runaway had cut n he said the next time i dmg the merchandise he's gonna make me carve in his name#so i remember who's property it is i'm fucking w/#the collar's on too tight but he digs his fingers under it n pulls so i can't breathe#i don't wanna wear it anymore but it's how i show him i know my place#scared he'll make me wear it irl cause he wants everyone to know. scared i won't refuse#he's threatened to do so many things n i can never tell if he means it. some of it he's gone through w/ later some of it not#but idk if he's just waitin for me to fuck up bad enough to warrant it#n i guess he shouldn't be able to cause the others can intervene if he gets violent but#i'm scared he'll manage to sneak me off somewhere they can't find us#it shouldn't be possible we've taken all the precautions we can think of but. there's no way to be sure#we can never be totally sure n i'm scared. there's nowhere for me to run.#so i just.....try to keep him happy i guess#try to find a balance between not losin myself completely n makin it not worth it for him to do anything drastic#but i get so confused#the cage is open but i'm still inside cause i got no way to know if he's there waitin to pull the trigger the moment i step out#i know it's killin me but i'm too fucking scared#spdrvent
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talking with my bf about this girl (me), in a story i was making up, about where she'll be when she's 35. and i was tired and he was asking me what she'd be doing, what would she be thinking, and i didn't have the heart to say to him that she'll be exhausted and will probably hate her life and feel so stupid for caring about school when she could have been enjoying life before it got hard. she'll regret the things she spent her time doing, and she'll regret the things she didn't do and i didn't want to think about it, because i don't want to imagine that depressing of a life for myself. but the truth is, i don't know myself enough to know what i would like to be doing. i don't know what job, where i would like to live, what i would be hopefully thinking. i would like to imagine my life gets better, but i don't believe it.
#it felt slightly too sad a note to say goodbye on#plus i'm tired so it wasn't necessarily all that accurate#but does my life get better ?#i guess i just have to trust God that it does#or it won't but then heaven'll be nice i guess#i want to laugh and be with people i love and not have to drag myself out of bed every morning#i want my life to be filled with sunshine and giggles and good food#but it's also unrealistic to expect all of that#i'll just be disappointed#won't i ?#i'm not sure how to balance the happiness and the sadness#the good and the bad#its just an overwhelming wave of sadness#or short-lived happiness
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Being traumatized means having to remind yourself like ten times a day that you are not uniquely unlovable or broken or incapable of navigating the world and intimacy and then not believing yourself anyway because of course you're uniquely-
#ive tried being big and small and big and small mitski is so right#Too little in regular life too much with people i love and trust#Why can i not tell if im being bothersome brain come on#Like ik objectively I'm not always bothersome or they wouldn't be in my life actively#But i can't tell when i am?? Or rather. When being annoying goes from bearable and expected to unbearable#I did just do smt very new and very brave that I'd been so excited about and it has been a long few days#So i will wait until it balances out i just so badly don't want to get wrapped up in cptsd to the point where#i assign things to people that they don't think and warp sth nice into sth bad#I think i already ruined sth by doing tht but guess what!! I can't even tell if i did#It's just an endless cycle#I so badly hope i didn't. Also add 'not uniquely capable of being hurt on accident ' to that
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i wish i just followed thru w my chinese instead of attempting psych lol
#grrrr being indecisive in college is really. Bad lol#if i had continued w my chinese :( do u think id be able to talk by now LOL#i was pursuing a psych double major which i’m going to end up dropping!!! so it’s just. kind of dumb#to be fair at the beginning of the quarter i was taking 4 classes so adding chinese would be absolutely batshit insane#now i’m at 3 lol#could i self study chinese on my own? i guess? but its nicer to learn w a community lollll#anw thinking out loud. i'm probably going to try pursuing a writing minor.... hope it goes well ....#it would b nice too since chinese class sizes r so small and it'd be a nice balance 4 me#bcuz all my classes r sooooo big#whatevs.... grass is alw greenr on the other side
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i love worrying about acetaminophen poisoning cant wait to do it for the rest of the day
#ventposting#i had the recommended dose and last time i had it was yesterday at 6pm#but i'm still worried bc i hardly had dinner#i had it with a little bit of food and i had a little bit of food this morning too#but i'm still worried bc i cant tell if the pain in my abdomen is rib pain from bad posture or not#or my period#and it really wasnt like balanced food or anything#and the symptoms are apparently mild at first#and they include feeling tired but i was already tired since this morning#so i guess i just lose a day to this#or i die
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friend earlier was like come to library game night with us and i was like i might but i am dreading the thought of socializing so much. i think i will just shower (also dreading) and read book for my final project. maybe drink a bit too. who knows where this beautiful night will take me
#i had meeting w advisor earlier and i think that is what drained me so fucking bad even tho it was like 7 hours ago#long conversations are so hard even just eye contact and nodding and stuff#also 20 mins ago the guy who i'm sure has crush on me after we hung out once asked if i'm going and i said no i think i'm staying in for#tonight and he said Okay Then. but he always uses periods at end of sentence like that so i don't think it's passive aggressive#time 2 brush teeth and shower while listening to music anddd ooooh maybe do face mask after#man i struggle w balancing social interactions like when should i force myself to be social but like#the past like few months especially i've been caring less and less about making new friends#i guess cuz i have made new friends over past few years and it didn't make me feel much if any less insecure n stuff#sigh. complicated. ill write in journal about this#i think i might've already but ill do it again#ok shower time#self
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IT IS TIME: Miss Universe National Costume 2023
it's here! the Met Gala for people who actually understand what camp is!
yes I'm like 3 months late, but I sat down and watched the damn thing. I put up with the horrible little rhyming couplets for each contestant so you don't have to. and without further ado:
Albania: Starting off very Victoria’s Secret this year! Apparently it’s gold for important symbolism reasons, not just because everything in this competition is blinged out to within an inch of its life. The wings do look nice in motion!
Angola has a good balance of bling, actual cultural dress, and oh hey it has surprise bonus art on the back! That will be a theme this year.
Argentina: Why is there a guy in a hat right down at the bottom edge of her cape. He looks like he’s staring at her butt. How does this represent their flag.
Aruba: This is fine. I like the coral. She thinks climate change is bad. Her parrot is clearly way too heavy to hold up and it wobbles like crazy in motion.
Australia: This is now multiple years in a row that Australia has just worn a fucking prom dress. It’s got native wildflowers on. You could have made this exact same dress with a Great Barrier Reef theme and I would have liked it 80% more.
Bahamas: This costume is allegedly based on a 19th-century doll from the Bahamas “world famous straw market,” which is already bullshit; I googled “bahamas straw market antique doll” and like. they both have big skirts? I guess? Anyway now I’m too distracted by the way she has a hoop skirt awkwardly jammed under there and hiked up on one side. Minus ten for poor construction.
Bahrain's theme is “Bahrain’s pearl heritage,” which like. I guess? The headdress and yoke are pretty. Put more pearls on the actual outfit. Kudos for getting to wear pants.
Belgium: Girl. No. Why is your theme “Latin dance” and why are you wearing a spangly cocktail dress with a totally unrelated piece of fabric fluttering behind it? (Apparently the fabric was designed by a member of Belgium’s royal family? Who is a fashion designer? This is what nepotism gets you.)
Bolivia saw Aruba’s parrot and was like, I can do that better. And she was right! It’s way less wobbly and the costume as a whole does work better. Also made from recycled materials, so we’ll see if that’s a theme again this year. The back of the cape is nice too.
Sadly, Bolivia's parrot supremacy was short-lived, because Brazil was like, bitch please. I see your sad little parrots and raise you FOUR giant parrots, and also the shoulder parrots are articulated and can turn their heads back and forth. I think Brazil wins the parrot competition that only she knew she was in.
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good morning! <3
#a little anxious this morning hehe#it looks like the site i'm talking to might actually be able/willing to do the externship#and that's good for me but bad for my anxiety lol#and trying to balance three games on top of that is gonna be interesting but i'll manage best i can i guess :3#as for my f/os; i have a little post prepped detailing like platonic/familial vibes from hsr i'm getting#i'll do romantics gradually as i come up with tags but i'll post that later today ^-^#morning rambles
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