#I saw my mom and grandparents
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it doesn't really make sense in the logic (lol) of the show but part of me loves the idea that edd is being raised by his grandparents.... kids who are raised by grandparents tend to be overly mature and a little uhhhhh off-beat. i feel like it could explain a lot.
#before you ask yes this is me projecting#i know some folks hc his parents as being a bit long in the tooth which i like too#but idk i just think it would explain so many things about edd to learn that he was in fact raised by senior citizens#and shit i still call my grandma 'mom' so to me its not weird at all that he'd call his grandparents 'mother and father'#everything else about them stays the same though#theyre still aloof and neglectful#and i still think the worst of them#anyway i love projecting my trauma onto edd specifically for some reason#he's such an easy target for angst i can't help it#oh and speaking of angst#for anyone who saw that post a while back and is interested in an update on my whole bastard landlord/roommate kicking me out situation:#i found a room and will be moving in 2 weeks 🥴 kill all landlords etc etc but hey at least i'll have my own bathroom#and won't be living with the final boss of millennials/reddit incarnate#unfortunately for you guys though that means i should be able to indulge in my tomfoolery again soon (shit posting and shit drawing)#even though it seems like our tiny fandom has gotten even smaller recently#alright i'll shut up now biiiiii
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its so hard to talk about how traumatic it is to watch somebody be claimed by dementia without going "well i cant complain because at least i wasnt the one losing my mind (for now)" but that shit fucks you up so much. that ghost is going to haunt me for the rest of my life and all i can do is hope it Stays a ghost
#tiddytaco#b#thinking about it rn bc today while i was driving my mom home from pt#she saw someone she knew from years ago driving & was like FOLLOW THAT CAR & we met them in a parking lot#& the conversation turned to 'hey what the hell happened to your parents' pretty quickly bc our families hadnt been in touch#& it was a long conversation in the hobby lobby parking lot#& idk if itll ever Stop being fresh in my mind but now its Extra fresh in my mind#that whole time period was just so insane & awful#bc it was like Ok we're caring for both grandparents#& then my grandpa died#& all our pets at the time were very old#& when he died it occurred to me that we could easily lose both grandparents and all 3 pets within the year#it turned out to be like a long drawn-out year & a half from the first to the last#& looking back it seems impossible that is was that short a time period bc it felt like an eternity#we got off easy with grandpa bc he died before it got too bad but with grandma it just kept getting Worse#& the climax of the caring experience was traveling to take her to my uncle bc he wanted to take his shift caring for her#& that was so . So bad. SO bad#like it literally could not have gone more smoothly and it was SO bad#just thinking about it i feel like im there again i get so stressed out
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...
#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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Oh god. I have to see my family in three days
#if you guys start to see a spiraling mental breakdown starting on Christmas Eve#mind ya business#every time I see my siblings I just get more and more upset#and feel more and more bitter over my mother#it’s been 6 months since I last saw them#wonder how much has changed since then. wonder how much worse they are#also I’m worried my sister will bring her boyfriend to Christmas dinner#he’s like. fine I guess. the same kind of shitty as her but whatever#it was easier to ignore that I won’t ever be able to bring a partner when none of my siblings were old enough to do so#now that they ARE doing it. it makes it…. yeah#seeing my grandma interact with him and being happy and chatty#but knowing if I ever brought MY gf it would be a fucking disaster#unless I lied and said she was just a friend. which is shitty enough anyways#but wouldn’t even work my mom and aunt and sister would still make shitty snide comments when my grandparents weren’t around#ugh#I should stop thinking about this#I’m just making myself mad#kaz rambles
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Having many family members who are of vastly different cultures and ethnicities is fun and all until they get to you and ask what you are.
#like culturally I’m Native American (Cree. Mi’kmaq. Dene. and Taino)#like my Caribbean chapan literally passed down her family’s spiritual traditions#so uh. ceremony is a bit different#ethnically I think I’m just indigenous#but like it changes drastically for my parents#my mom is native and Asian#while her mom is culturally Asian and native#dad is native#while his mom is French and native#his dad is native#all while being Latino and Fijian decent#no joke I have cousins who are actually from fiji all thanks to my third chapan#and the thing is that they all passed down stories and cultures#they just stopped when residential schools became mandatory#so the cultural practices and family history all stopped with my grandparents.#my parents saw the remnants of it#they just weren’t told anything#it was a whole can of worms we unleashed#coming from generations of mixed people is difficult#but it definitely makes a cool story!#like a whole family album would be insane to look at
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been thinking about the new pkmn legends taking place in kalos (especially in lumiose which btw brought so much memories of that place. its a maze. and i just remembered how i used the outer ring just so ik where im going into the inners of the city itself 😭)
the more i also had been thinking about risa darrell, my pkmn oc i had since pkmn xy came out. formerly lorissa but now they're Risa, and if i had keep playing as them to this day, they would be a married former champion who takes pokemon racing with tyrant their tyrantrum along with their wife- helga who is a photographer journalist. yes helga doesn't change her name other than, slapping galar as her birth place wheezes
anyway. thinking about risa's family actually, 'cause afaik risa moved to kalos was bc its where risa's mom's family lives in. the only reason for this was bc the old lorissa design i had? i gave that design to risa's mom which had made risa... uhhh their dad is kanto-hoenian and her mom's kalosian but they met and lived in sinnoh which is where risa had met helga there as kids but then moved away to kalos when risa's dad get a job transfer.
therefore. i guess. risa's grandma? grandparent? great-grandparent? could potentially had involved in helping with the city. who knows-
#dorkous ramblings#you know the saddest part is that i LOST my pokemon X file :(#my brother one day borrowed it during a family trip then lost it and i dont blame him since he was a kid back then#so all i had left is my old roleplaying blog that had all of my arts#my old poke team and videos i took back in 2013-2014 oTZ#been thinking of drawing a lil comic where helga saw a photo and was like 'huhhhhhhhh risa its that ur mom?' and risa looks over and goes#'oh thats my grans-'#aNYWAY would it be funny if risa's grandparent is named lorissa.#do you think its funny but funky way to go back to kalos but as lorissa again?#also YES risa's old name is WHERE i got my own name from DJSHGSJDHGHJSG#ppl used to call me lori mun so much then shorten to lori#that it tickles in my brain and i enjoy my own name greatly#so i always credit my name to this goddamn game#aNYWAY if you read all to this here skhfjdhg sorry for my silly ramblings!!!#...and yes i was a pkmn roleplayer. bye-
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Today has been a crazy fucking day in a not great way. Fluffy socks on, lip mask applied, glasses off. I need a nap
#mini rant but uh#found out my last living grandparent is currently dying in hospice and neither me or my parents could get to her in time#which we never had a great relationship but. i last saw her in 2018 and not since and like. i at least wanted to say goodbye#frankly we barely talked and i saw her like once a year but that doesn't mean i dont feel bad knowing her condition#shes been suffering a lot and.... it just sucks knowing i wont get to see her before shes gone and neither will my dad#which re: not great relationship but shes still his mom yk?#anyways. i need a nap
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Yknow guys. I have my moments but honestly I’m really glad to be alive and get to experience this beautiful world... like the birds outside my window or my beloved beast bella (there is an animal!!! In my house!!! And she LOVES me!!!) and getting to see my best friend and watching tv and movies together and engaging with media and taking long car rides. Life is so beautiful and I’m so glad I never forget it too long. Every little thing that makes you feel joy is a reason to be on this earth, so cherish every last one, because you deserve it. You deserve to feel how beautiful the world can be. Even if it sucks dick sometimes. Sometimes everything sucks and then you see a cardinal out the window competing with another for a female and everything’s okay again. Theres joy in every day, so please go out there and feel it as hard as you can, embrace everything that makes you happy. Live. We deserve it.
#lion’s lair#me#I. Idk I’m just. Looking forward to another day of seeing my best friend#And the world. And tv. And eating food#positive#tw from this point forward in the tags#I just.#okay so as kids me and my cousin always shared a birthday. Because it’s like 6-7 days apart right and we were best friends#And I loved that. We liked the same things so it was never a problem#As we got older his parents got jealous of the fact he liked staying with our grandparents more and stopped letting him come much#So every birthday was a spectacular treat. That and thanksgiving. Because he’d be there#Then in like 2017 his mom fucking died. Suicide. And he started staying with us a lot again#I almost called him my brother opening this part of the post. Because he is. To me#Just a year older than me#But again his dad heard how much he preferred us to him and stopped letting him come around. Even on the holidays#The last day I saw him was halloween. 2018. Also the last time I saw my non-relative bestfriend at the time#And I can’t even remember if I gave him a hug goodbye. I hope I did.#He died in January the next year after his dad threatened to take away his job. His like last refuge#A lot more fucked up shit happened to him I won’t divulge but. That man made him miserable.#That man killed him. Even if he didn’t use his hands#And I miss him so much. Every day but it hurts so much around my birthday#And every year I’m so scared to age and feel so bad because I’m getting older and. He’s not#He’ll never get any older because he’s dead. Hell never see any more marvel movies or shitty b movies. Never play red dead 2 again#He doesn’t get to have those little joys in life anymore. And it makes me so fucking sad#So please please please just always remember the little joys. The birds out the window and the things and people you love#Because there’s a lot of fucking hate in this world. But there’s so much goddamn love in it too#And wonder and whimsy and things worth living for. Even when life sucks every day. There’s always something. So please stick it through#I’m so glad I’ve stuck it through. I never thought I’d make it to be an adult when I was younger let alone 20#I miss you.#Happy birthday brother. You should be here.
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the alienation of showing up to an event as the only person masked is like. the absolute worst.
#not just the realization that these people have ‘moved on’#but the way they treat you#at my cousin’s bachelorette party her mom said oh are you sick? when she saw me#and when i smiled and said no she said oh you’re just..?#and later on that evening someone from the groom’s side of the family came up to me out of the blue#interrupting my conversation with my little cousin#to say ‘is that a jaw brace??’ because i had my mask down while i was sipping a drink#and then she went on a spiel about jaw braces and when people get jaw surgery and i was like 🤨#because i had my mask on the whole party before that and she definitely saw me so.. what the fuck lmao#anyways i’m just dreading the wedding this weekend#knowing the type of people who are going to be there#people who have never worn masks since the beginning#which is why they all got covid twice#but my family is insisting and 🙃 i can’t handle another argument#never mind that my eighty year old grandparents will be there and they wanted to do it via zoom#but my cousins mom said oh we’re not setting up zoom sorry :)#so now they’re begrudgingly attending in person because they want to see their grand niece get married and there’s no other option for them#it just. upsets me. u know??#oughhhhhhh#anyways.txt
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I miss my family. =(
#seen my mom and sister uhhhh twice in the last 4 years?#haven't seen my dad in two years#i don't actually talk to anyone else in the fam lol#grandparents are all dead and I've never been close to aunts/uncles/cousins/half siblings#at work i was like I MISS MY MOM#and later i was thinking about my niece and was like I MISS MY SISTER#and just now i saw that post where meatloaf the cat was holding money and the dad's handwriting looked like my dad's#and i was like I MISS MY DAD#he's got illegitimate kids everywhere maybe that was his writing lol#anyway having a normal one
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ever just miss your grandpa
#i loved both my grandpas but my grandpa on my dads side meant the world to me#and he died when i was 13#i wish i had gotten to spend more time with him#but the time we did have was wonderful. he was kind and patient and generous and loving#he greatly influenced my music taste and got me my first ipod#i loved my grandpa on my moms side but i knew him even less and spent pretty much a minuscule amount of time with him in comparison#i knew him by the stories i heard. i have a few stories of my own yea and i love how big of a pothead he was. it made me laugh#but i didn’t know him and for what it’s worth … he didn’t know me#my grandpa who only had 13 years with me knew me infinitely more than my grandpa who knew me for 27 years#i find that a little sad too. i know i was loved but i was not known by either of my moms parents. they moved to arizona when i was 6.#i know what i could have had because i know what i had with my dads father. i know what a good grandparent/grandchild relationship is#which is why i know my grandpa from arizona had no relationship with me#i cherish every second i spent with my grandpa and am still heartbroken that he died before my 8th grade graduation#he & i were supposed to have a whole weekend of fun when i graduated 8th grade. we planned it for years and he died 6 months prior#he took my sister and i to the movies the day before he died. we saw unoccupied minors and went out for chinese food#and he was really proud of me that night because i had FINALLY learned to play a certain song on my fife that was REALLY hard to learn#it was called Old 1812#and he asked me to play Yankee Doodle. he loved when i played that lmao#yankee doodle / bells of st marys / sisters were my favorite songs to play#i fucking LOVED playing sisters and sometimes i’ll even look up fifers playing sisters just to hear it again#i stopped playing the fife after he died#i was supposed to learn a song called garry owen and i wasn’t able to move onto it until i landed 1812 perfectly#because we were supposed to seamlessly transition from one to the next#i had already marked up my sheet music for garry owen because i was so excited about landing 1812 perfectly#i was so proud of learning that song and finally being able to show him and i ended up quitting the week after#i just listened to garry owen for the first time in YEARS and i wish i had learned to play it. it’s beautiful#i was supposed to duet it with my best friend at the time#and she actually got angry with me after i quit even though i told her that it made me sad to play lmao.#ya know. there are a lot of things i reflect on when it comes to that friendship. from middle school to high school she was a shitty friend
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just remembered that idk how much of my extended family knows i cut my hair.. and i'm seeing them today 👍
#ik two aunts and one uncle on my mom's side saw it bc they liked my post on ig#and i assume my mom showed the halloween pictures to both sets of grandparents#but not sure about everyone else. specifically the cousins / aunts and uncles on my dad's side..#oh well i'd rather deal with 'why'd you cut your hair?!?!' than 'so.... any boys? 👀'#hello grace here
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Maybe this is my privileged self having mostly only lived on owned apartments but people actually renovating and doing construction in rented stuff is so weird to me?? You're spending money on a house that is not yours?? And I get that it's your house temporarily at least but???? Renovating bathrooms and making lofts into actual bedrooms sounds insane
#mostly owned apartments as in i lived with both my grandparents so they paid the mortgage off and my mom bought hers when she happened#to have enough money but my dad rented bc he didnt lmao#but yeah... its like working for free to me#adding value to a property thats not yours#like idk if the owners pay for half of it i guess its fine but i dont think they would do that lmao#this comes because i saw a few of renter appropiate renovations and like?? okay that you want to make your space more to your liking but#the money.#talking tag#obviously painting and idk changing furniture its fine
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never could have imagined the intense relief and overwhelming happiness I'd be feeling when my immigration paperwork finally came through
after 2 long years of waiting, and 4 years of being stuck in the us, i am finally just waiting for the arrival of the card that will let me go back home
the happy tears are flowing non stop
i can finally breathe
#personal#just#wow#i can't believe it's finally over (for now)#did not expect this kind of reaction but the second i saw the case status#i just started crying#i can go home#i can see my mom#i can see my friends#i can visit my grandma's grave#i can see my grandparents
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i miss my girlfriend
#saw her five hrs ago btw. and have texted her several times since then. but i miss her#i am just having the shittiest day ever i had to go to my grandparents house after the most grueling work shift#and i barely ate today. not on purpose. it just didnt happen. so i was withering where i stood it was so fucking bad#literallt started crying when my mom picked me up n said we were going to the grandparents house. was cryimg the whole time we were there#i domt ebem know why im just so stressed today i guess !! its eating me alive lol!!!#i want. to sit in her arms. and have her tell me about some stupid show i dont give a shit about#and for her to hold my hand. the whole time. for five hours straight and i dotn even speak at all that whole time#aughhhhhh augh augh augh. this sucks so bad. when this week is over i will be the happiest man alive
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already regretting that jojo plush i got :’)
#my grandparents were really annoyed bc they had to pay for it and it cost a lot#and my mom just saw it and immediately said she didn't like it and it was creepy#why am i like this i. didn't have to fucking get it#jesus christ i'm dumb#vent#vent tw
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