#I really do need to update the art in this though it’s still my fursonas old colors lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saritawolff · 2 years

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- Digital Art Commission Prices -

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Simple Doodle ~ $10

Lineart ~ $20

Flat Color ~ $30

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Add Shading ~ +$15

Add Character ~ +$25

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Simple Background, Environment, and/or Object Interaction ~ +$15

(Very simple bgs such as a color gradient or shape are free)

Complex Background ~ (currently unavailable) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pixel Art ~ $50

Add Pixel Environment ~ +$30 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: The price is the same whether you want a portrait or full body. Portraits will just be more detailed.

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Guidelines:

* I am not comfortable drawing humans and buildings, but I will if you insist, as long as you know it might not come out as well as an animal would. *

* I will draw OCs and characters from existing media, either in my style or in as close as I can get to the canonical style. *

* I can not work without references. If you would like me to create a reference sheet for you, see custom ref commission prices. *

* My comfort level varies on NSFW or kink art. I will not draw genitalia, anything overtly sexual, anything nonconsensual, or any NSFW art containing my own characters. I AM okay with drawing gore, to an extent. If you want to commission something that could be considered NSFW or kinky, that does not sound like the above, send me a private message and ask if I would be comfortable drawing it! *

* I will not draw nazi or kkk imagery, or anything that could be construed as hate speech. I will not include racial slurs in my art. I am a Christian and am uncomfortable drawing Satanic symbols such as pentagrams and upside-down crosses. Please respect my comfort levels. If you have anything you are unsure about, send me a DM! *

* Art may not be re-sold (ie, used for adoptable bases, character giveaways, redbubble designs, etc) for anything more than what you payed for it. If art is of a character that does not belong to you, it may NOT be sold or redistributed. *

* You may NOT remove my signature for any reason. *

* Payment is in USD through Paypal. Payment must be payed up front. If the commission is over $100, it can be payed half before the commission and half after. *

* Tips are appreciated but not expected *

* If you are unsatisfied with the commission after the first sketch and do not want me to try to improve it, you may receive a full refund but no rights to the sketch. If I have proceeded any further than the sketch, then a refund will be given according to how much of the commission I have completed. *

#sorry it wouldn’t let me edit the old one and I had to update some prices #I really do need to update the art in this though it’s still my fursonas old colors lol #my art #GetSaritasArt #will add a read more as soon as I can get to a computer

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dynamo-deepblue · 4 months

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Hi all. I've been talking about reviving this account several times without much success, but I think I needed to have a plan in place before doing that. I think I have one now.

First, my blog appearance needs to be updated since I haven't done much to make it look nice, and I'm no longer using November (the brown gryphon) as my main character. I have a new character in her place that I'm using who is my new fursona now, who I will be showing and drawing more of.

Second, 99% of my posts here are commissions and ngl I'm not happy with this whatsoever. I've decided I will simply post recent art that I like, and some of it will be commissions but I want to post more current art of OCs, my interests and merch as well. I will be deleting a lot of my posts, or reposting commissions I like, but I don't want them to be my entire Tumblr. I am still open for commissions though, because I always need funds and currently don't have the audience to make the income I need to not struggle financially like I have been for a while now.

Third, I've been primarily known as a Splatoon artist, at least on Twitter, since 2017 and this has skewed my audience heavily in that direction. I do still love Splatoon dgmw, but I'm not really happy with this because it has left me little room to expand my reach with anything else. I feel pigeonholed into drawing for this one fandom and constantly feel like if I'm not drawing Splatoon that it's not worth showing. I want to show off more of my other interests, especially with furry art, which is my favorite thing to draw above anything else. So I want my blog here, like I'm trying to do now with Twitter, to reflect this. So like, 60% furry art and 40% fan art is my goal for right now.

I also have some other plans as far as my social media but I really like Tumblr. Always have, so I'm going to focus on that first.

Thanks for understanding, and hoping to interact and post here more! I'll try to get some posts queued soon and find more fulfillment with my art while I try to stay afloat.

Find me also at:

Twitter: DynamoDeepblue

Mastodon: @[email protected]

Bsky: DynamoDeepblue

#dynamo dialogue #long post #also twitter has been so tough lately with engagement dropping off so steeply #i need to be on other platforms now more than ever #also sorry for posting this at the butt crack of dawn #i couldn't sleep and had thoughts

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lazylogic · 6 months

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Okay, here are some words, yes it's long

This drawing started as "homework" my therapist gave me to try and draw myself more, just to like...have more of a sense of self, but it kinda turned into somewhat of a vent doodle because I was feeling gloomy yesterday. I think I'd like to make an alternate version of this that's much more cozy and colorful when I'm feeling better, though. Now...updates? Or I guess a ramble, rant, whining, whatever: I'm still not 100% on coming back to posting art, and on top of there really not being any good art site to post on (FA is fine but I know it has its own issues, I just subsist on nostalgia), every single social media platform now seems like a dumpster fire - way more than they already were - that I don't wanna go back to, so I'm not sure if or when I'm gonna change anything anytime soon. I'm already bad at being social in communities but I super do not know where to turn right now if I wanted to be "present online" again. Way back in the day, Twitter and Tumblr were actually fun, but it's all long since become stressful and anxiety-inducing. And at this point, it really doesn't seem like it's gonna ever improve. Frankly, I do kinda prefer living under a rock anyway, but there's definitely part of me that still misses the positive and warm interactions I used to have with people online. Unfortunately, I still feel like there's really no part of the internet anymore where I feel like I belong, or even want to be. This is all very possibly my gloomy mood at the time of posting and seasonal depression talking, but I really just don't feel motivated to post, participate, or interact online much anymore. Partly a good thing, I think, because I have a lot of fun working on my website and hanging out in the small web community, away from the centralized web. But I know it's also partly due to my bad, chronic habit of isolation - because right now I'm not even interacting with said small web community. I'm just talking to my friends on Discord and Telegram, which typically is all I need. But idk, maybe it's FOMO, maybe it's just another art angst wave, but I miss having a place to go for art...just not the way it's been for the past 6 years or so. I wanna be here, for people to know I'm still alive, but at the same time I don't wanna be here and I don't want to be perceived at all. This feeling changes constantly. I don't know why I'm saying all this and I think I just need to stop thinking about it entirely. Ultimately, the internet is really not important in life and there are countless other things about life that I should focus on. I have a life full of love and precious things, and that is really the most important thing. The fact that I'm an artist who decided to start posting online so many years ago just makes this complicated. Being an artist makes me neurotic, and I'm also just so fucking overwhelmed with the way the world is right now that everything feels like an alien place, online and offline.

And I just care about people too much. I wanna give back to the people who always showed me kindness and support online, just for them to know that they've all been remembered and seen and I'm thankful for them. I think that's why this is such a floundering issue for me. I still think that I'm better off not being an artist online, at least most of the time. But idk. I think I'm just doomed to always have overthinking, neurotic turmoil over stupid shit. Time to stop thinking! At the very least, art IS starting to be fun again, so there's that. I absolutely do better when I'm drawing without worrying about perception and opinions. I think the problem arises when I start bringing commissions into the mix...I hate marketing myself, but you have to do that to have any hope of getting clients, so I should either not do comms at all or just not try to rely on it for income. Damn this shit was easier when I was a teenager with no bills drawing people's fursonas for $30

#txt #long post #vent art #vent #i mean kinda #it's more like me being aggressively cozy because it's cold

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maddgicalgirl · 3 years

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Paracosm Resources <3

Need help bringing your paracosm to life? Try these free resources!

⚠️ Updates always pending! Suggestions always welcome! Feel free to message me any tips or questions <3 ⚠️

(Cont. below cut, or with real time updates on this google doc!)

Art Programs

FireAlpaca - 2D Art Program, Animation. Where I make most of my digital art, and paint the frames for my animations :) It is free to use, and easy to learn and use! It can make basic animations as well, such as gifs. It requires download.

Krita - 2D Art Program. Professional, free digital paint software :) I have not used it before, though I have heard good things.

GIMP - 2D Art Program, Photo Manipulation. It's free to use, but I do not like it/recommend it highly. But! If FireAlpaca and Krita don't float your stoat, try Gimp! For 2D art, but also able to emulate Photoshop to a degree ^^

Inkscape - 2D Art Program. Free to use digital illustration software. Makes 2D art :)

Of course, who can forget classics like good old MS Paint, and the new and exciting 3D MS Paint, which can both be used to create some really neat things! Classic MS Paint is available here in browser form! If you need that. I just think it's neat!

Art AI

Petalica Paint - Coloring Software. An in browser, watercolor manga style coloring software, which can (almost) effortlessly color in any of your line art pieces! I've played around with it for my Thorn illustration style piece, and enjoyed it! It is free to use, and can take user input to make the colorations more precise.

ArtBreeder - 3D Realism Software. Using Artbreeder, you can create lifelike images of your paras, planets, or potentially even fursona, using the intricate AI they let you work with for free! A premium version exists, but most functions are fully usable without - though I recommend donating ^^ You can randomly generate, or prune and shape what you make until its perfect! Slow to use and get the hang of, but very worth it! Artbreeder is also pioneering an intriguing animation software to go alongside their product! Browser based.

3D Software

Blender - 3D Modeling, Animation. The best (in my opinion) free 3D modelling software.

MagicaVoxel - 3D Pixel Art. Free to use! Could be interesting :)

MikuMikuDance - 3D Rigging. Anime style rigging and animation software, free to use, and certified internet artefact! Has stood the test of time, and is still used and loved today. Can support ports of many kinds of assets, including, I believe, those from Blender, and of course those that are downloaded. DA has a bunch of old MMD communities you can raid for assets!

Animaze - Face Rigger. Use 3D models and a webcam to watch your paras talk! Models can be made in Blender, downloaded online, or even from CHARAT V, CHARAT GENESIS sister app!

Character Creators

CHARAT GENESIS - 2D Character Creator. Browser based anime style character creator, with multiple crops and poses, and infinitely customizable options. It is legitimately insane. Has a 3D function called CHARAT V which can apparently convert characters made in CHARAT GENESIS into 3D models compatible with Face Rig and Animaze!

V-Katsu - 3D Character Creator. Free on steam! Anime style, intensive character creator, by the same people who made Koikatsu, and Koikatsu Party, two amazingly detailed 3D hentai makers. While V-Katsu is a SFW VTuber maker, if you're looking for NSFW anime content, you could always spend roughly $70 on the full NSFW versions. V-Katsu requires a translation mod (free online as well) which you have to install, or the ability to read Kanji <3 Works with VR tech.

V-Roid Studios - 3D Character Creator. Free on steam! Anime style, fairly in depth character creator, that allows for some degree of digital 3D hand sculpting, particularly with their amazing hair engine, to get your paras looks perfect!

And, of course, Picrew has thousands of character creators of various styles and quality uploaded by the artists who made them! Also, honestly I think we as a society should embrace making dinky chibis in Gacha Life. IDK why everyone is mean to the gacha kids, like we weren't all cringe at some point,

World Design

HomeStyler - 3D and 2D Room Designer. Make a model of an interior for a home or building, using real 1:1 furniture of IRL brands! Apparently this is free to use, though there is a premium version, and it offers 3D and 2D models.

Map to World - 3D Planet Maker. Turn your fantasy world into a 3D model of the planet. Put maps directly on, or design the surface and textures of your world. Takes a lot of getting used to, but it is AMAZING. Free to use, and browser based!

PlanetMaker - 3D Planet Maker. Make a customized 3D planet! Free to use browser site! I have never used this, but I would love to mess around with it sometime! Allows you to add orbital rings, change textures, and more at the click of a mouse.

If on sale, I also recommend snagging a copy of the Sims, particularly 3 or 4, for character creation and world design. Maybe not the best gameplay without mods, but it's also a load of fun, and very easy to add custom content to! Minecraft also. But you just need Minecraft, in general. Beyond its ability to fairly faithfully recreate structures from your paracosms, it's just Good.

Game Creators

Maybe you wanna turn your paracosm into a cool game idk, just thought I'd put these here!

Construct 3 - 2D Game Creator. Beginner level game making :) Drag-and-drop if/then style programming.

GameSalad - Codeless 2D Game Creator. Drag and drop style/no coding, beginner friendly. Free version available!

Solpeo - 2D Game Creator. HTML5 based game engine for 2D and isometric game development. Some programming knowledge needed. Platforms supported: Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer 9+. Free version available.

Stencyl - Codeless 2D Game Creator. Drag and drop style building/no coding skills needed. Has editable templates!

Scratch - 2D Game Creator. Very easy to use and totally free, though relatively basic!

Unity - 3D, 2D, and VR Game Creator. Make games with 3D software. Import your own assets (Blender compatible) or download free options, or buy the rights to models. Works for 3D and 2D games. Free version available, and now works with VR tech!

Unreal Engine - 3D Game Creator. Extremely advanced 3D game developer. Highly customizable. Free to use!

Twine - Text-based Game Creator. Use a map to make a branching paths text-based story game. Free to use.

Squiffy - Text-based Game Creator. have used Squiffy and it can make some really, truly incredible things. Can take a while to pick up, and learn how to use to its full potential. Free to use! Has an online and offline library of player creations you can get inspiration from!

Quest - Text-based Game Creator. I've never used this, but it seems cool! Use it to make interactive text-based DND game adventures in browser.

Ren'Py - Visual Novel Creator. Visual novel engine, that is well acclaimed, and of course, free to use!

Companion AI

Replika - 3D Companion.

Kajiwoto - Chatbot Companion. Customizable, learning AI you can shape into a personality. Communicates via Discord like chat box.

Organization

Toyhou.se - Character Gallery. A customizable library where you can upload all of your paras and characters for the public to view! Free to use, but requires a premium member to invite you!

Refsheet - Character Gallery. I haven't used it before, but I've heard good things, and that it's a suitable alternative to toyhou.se if you can't get an invite!

Notebook.AI - Character Gallery. I haven't used it before, but I've heard good things, and that it's a suitable alternative to toyhou.se if you can't get an invite!

World Anvil - World Building Toolset. Like character galleries, but for worlds and their lore :)

Scabard - World Building Toolset. Aimed at DnD campaigners, but I reckon it'll be useful for many!

YARPS - World Building Toolset. More focused around story and lore than Scabard or World Anvil, and looks beautiful! Still in its prototype stage, however.

Pinterest - Photo Organizer. Look at, collect, and sort images into boards. Personalizes your feed based on that, and is free to use and join! However, unlike their myriad of wonderful recipes, DIY tutorials, and the likes - a lot of the images are uploaded by second parties and not credited, so be careful reuploading anything you find! Also great for finding outfits and art inspo for your paras!

Generators

Fantasy Name Generator - Name Generators. Does what it says on the tin! Generates fantasy names. Is a lovely website, run by a purportedly lovely woman.

Fantasy Map Generator - Map Generator. Randomly generates a fictional map, which you can view in 2D or 3D.

Donjon RPG Generator - Multiple Generators. Can make maps, weapons, items, etc.

Seventh Sanctum - Multiple Generators. One of my favorites from high school! Does all kinds of things - the standard items, spells, and names - but also prompts, backstories, characters, and even comedy generators!

ShindanMaker - Multiple Generators. User created and uploaded, any kind of generator you can imagine, of varying complexity. And when I say any generator? I mean ANY generator.

Audio

Audacity - Record and Edit Audio. What can't Audacity do? I love Audacity to death. At surface level, it records audio. I've used it to record voices for my paras, and get audio for animations and games I've worked on. I cannot recommend it enough. Comprehensive editing, and with some investigation, it can do so, so much more than just record simple dialogue.

FL Studios - Compose. Compose music with an unlimited free trial. Upgrades available for purchase!

Indie Game Music - Royalty Free Music Library. Free to use Indie Game Music. What it says on the box!

AudioJungle - Royalty Free Music and Audio Library. Thousands of free to use audio clips!

Online Piano - Someone could use this, for recording, or just messing around. I've seen plenty of paras who play piano, this could just be used for fun!

Online Guitar - Same reasons as above, but this site looks kinda sketchy. Use at your own risk or reward! Audio

For real, if you ever need music, sound effects, or really any MP3 clips that can be used without infringing on copyright laws, just search 'royalty free' (music/audio/insert thing here) same applies for photos! Make sure the source is reputable, however.

Tutorials

W3Schools - Coding. Learn the basics of coding, for free, online!

Miscellaneous

Debut Video Capture - Screen Recorder. Record game footage and let's plays for free! Professional and home versions. I see a few of our community members have paras who run YouTube channels, and I thought these might help! It could be a nice way to connect your parames. YouTube quality <3

Pixton - Comic Maker. Comic making website. I have no experience with this at all, but some may find it useful!

Picfont - Image Editor. Puts customizable text on an image. I used these for @paraesthetics paracosm header edits <3 It has a premium version (???) but the free version has all functions, but it crashes regularly (honestly seems timed :/) but once you get it down, it's a very quick process, and you won't have to worry about that at all.

Itch.io - Publishing. You can publish your self made games here :)

Korsakow - ??? Described as, "The Future of Storytelling" and is apparently a way to create interactive films. I *just* found out about this, but thought I should include it for someone who may know how to use and appreciate it! Free? Unknown, at the moment.

Tips and Tricks

Animation Done Easy

Our forefather's of internet animation used MS Paint, Windows Movie Maker, and Audacity. All of these, or their equivalents, are free on standard computers. I, personally, use FireAlpaca - which works just as well, if not better, than MS Paint for animation - but takes longer, and definitely lacks that retro feeling. I also use my trackpad to draw and animate everything, so its doable, but probably not totally comfortable, to animate like this for most people :)

⚠️ Updates always pending! Suggestions always welcome! Feel free to message me any tips or questions <3 ⚠️

#immersive daydreaming #paraportal #paracosm #paracosms #paracosmonaut #madd art #art resources #masterpost #free resources

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sparklecare-good-au · 2 years

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Sparklecare Good AU FAQ

FAQ

-General Questions-

Q: What is the Good AU?

A: The Good AU is basically just one of those "what if The Bad Thing didnt happen and everything was fine" kind of things. In it the hospital has zero connection to Cuddles in anyway, and because of that, nobody gets hurt.

Q: What is the comics schedual?

A: I post updates on Wednesdays and Saturdays at 6:00 AM Eastern Standard Time. The updates themselves can be one or two pages each, depending on if I had recently come back from a break, if the update falls on a holiday, or if the pages just need to be together for some reason.

Q: Does the comic have an overarching plot?

A: Not in the way you might think. Theres no single goal the characters are aiming for, like how canon is about eventually getting Sparklecare exposed to the public. The "main goal", you could say, would be to get better and go home. This is still going to be difficult for some.

Q: Does this version of the hospital allow people under 18 to be admitted?

A: No.

Q: How many chapters will there be?

A: Right now there are 4 planned chapters, but more may be added over time.

Q: Why are there ocs in this AU?

A: I just felt like it. It makes the AU more my own. Anybody can make an AU where nobody is hurt by the hospital, I make it different by adding new characters and dynamics.

Q: Who runs the hospital if Cuddles isnt involved?

A: Richard Sparkle, the most boring guy on the face of the planet.

Q: Since you know all the canon lore, will any if that be implemented?

A: No, I'm only ever going to include things that are publicly known. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, so you won't be seeing any characters early or getting any backstories or lore before it is outright said in the comic.

Q: How do you feel about shipping/selfshipping with your ocs?

A: Totally fine! The only exception to this is Saturn and Graham, as Saturn is my fursona/self insert, and Graham is my self inserts boyfriend.

Q: How about kinning/IRLs/fictives?

A: Same answer as shipping, totally fine with kinng my ocs with the exception of Saturn and Graham. Saturn is me, so it would be kind of weird. IRLs and fictives are okay, but for personal comfort reasons, I would really not like them to interact with me/be talked abt on my blog, sorry!

Q: What are you comfortable with when it comes to fanart?

A: I'd prefer if people didnt make anything nsfw or immoral with my characters, especially Saturn. You can do pretty much whatever you want other than that, like ship art, our ocs being friends, ect. Just please respect what im comfortable with and itll be fine!

Q: Why isnt character/plot point/ect in here?

A: Even though I am a part of the ZCP, I obviously won't be spoiling anything about the comic. So I cant include things like the unknown patient who Uni hinted at in v1, or the other patient who Hemera hinted at in v2. I can only add in what is publically known, which is why character backstories arent going to be a major focus.

-Character Questions-

Q: Is Saturn a y*ndere?

A: No, and please stop asking. /srs

Q: Wheres Cuddles?

A: Jail for tax evasion. He wont be important /srs

Q: Why not just make Cuddles a good guy?

A: I didnt do that because of what he represents. Hes based off of Kittycorn's personal experiences, I feel it would be rude to do that. Besides, making him a good guy who doesnt kill people would leave him with literally no personality.

Q: Are there any character blogs for the good au characters?

A: Yes! Saturn's blog is @xxdemondogxx, Uni's is @tiniestferryshop, and Graham's is @grahamberrymusic. There is also the general @asksparklecaregoodau blog where you can interact with the rest of the cast.

Q: Who is Saturn, and why is he a main character?

A: Saturn is my fursona, he represents me! He is a main character because I've had him for a while and really wanted to finally do something with him.

Q: Is Saturn really a demon?

A: No, he just thinks he is. Everybody, minus Barry, is nice to him about it.

Q: Why does Saturn think hes a demon?

A: He feels like he is a horrible person for having intrusive thoughts, because he feels normal people would never consider the things he thinks about, even though those things are not in his control. He's literally demonizing himself for being mentally ill. That and he thinks demons are naturally evil, so hes assuming hes a demon to sort of give himself a better reason for being "evil" (he is not evil)

Q: Why are the rainbow characters (Doom and Mood, Party, ect.) still rainbow? Werent those colors caused by truama?

A: In canon, yes, the rainbow characters are rainbow because of that. However, I didnt know about that when I made their AU designs and started the comic in December of 2020. They are still rainbow despite the knowledge I now have because it makes them more recognizable. The rats specifically are still rainbow because they got past the truama of being bullied when they were younger.

Q: Why is everyone in the hospital at the same time if they arent being kept there?

A: The plot needs it. If everybody left when they were supposed to, the only main characters there would be Barry and Saturn.

Q: Are there any new characters who are lgbtq+?

A: Currently, as of early 2023, all the new characters who are in the hospital are lgbtq+.

Q: Are any of your ocs autistic?

A: Saturn and Graham are both autistic. Though its not canon in real SC, Hemera in the good au is also autistic.

-OC Questions-

Q: Can I make a good AU oc?

A: You can make an oc if you want, I dont own the idea of "Big Bad Thing Never Happens" aus, so feel free to make as many characters as you like!

Q: Can you put my oc in the comic?

A: I dont include peoples ocs in the comic itself, since if they change their mind later I would have to either edit pages or write the character out. I will, however, draw your oc if you ask and provide a reference for them (or if I just feel like it)! I will only really do that when im taking requests, or if we are friends/mutuals.

#text

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hot-gothics · 6 years

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I am almost an entire month late in doing this, lol, but here it finally is! It's pretty fun to put this all together and see what my focus was for each month~ Thank you all for sticking with me throughout the year and thanks to all the newcomers who've joined me in my journey of art <3 Here's to another great year of art! \o/ I have a lot planned and I'm probably too ambitious, but here we gooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO!! I'm gonna give little blurbs about each month's piece or what I remember going through each month haha, so feel free to read over my ramblings and such >w>

January -

I chose this piece because of the lighting and the expression. I really liked how the torn down wall turned out behind him and overall this is one of the best completed works of that month. It was a hard choice between this one and one with a sunset behind a female crocodile woman, but I ended up choosing this one for the color in the hair and that it was furry while the other one was a human with crocodile features. (both were not my commissions)

February -

This is probably one of the best pictures I've ever done to be honest haha. I still love the idea of it, the layout, the lighting, ALL of it. I even entered it into a scholarship contest and WON. But the best part of that contest was that it was for my university and this is KIRBY FANART xD that still kills me! haha

March -

Every time that I hang out with my friend :userVibrantEchoes: I end up drawing either Kirby or Pokemon stuff and this piece came from one of my sketches I did while hanging out with her. It was really just something I pulled out of files to work on after completing commissions in a stream but I experimented with lighting and I remember switching between two versions of my preferred art program (because a new update was released that changed nearly everything about the main tools I use) in order to get used to how the new version worked. This was a complete experimentation for all kinds of things but it turned out to be the best piece of the month (in my opinion anyway lol)

April -

Apparently April was when I started to get REALLY into Overwatch, haha. All the work I had available to choose from was Overwatch related and most of those were sketches or colored sketch style comics that I had done at the time. So I went with one of my FAVORITE colored sketch pieces where I had included a big ol' essay about Hanzo and how I adored that character and for what reasons, applying all I'd learned in my psychology classes as well as my own personal experience with depression and loss of family and difficulties with siblings to my claims. Then I tied in how McCree works really well as either a good friend or a lover for him based on their pasts. People seemed to LOVE it too! Though I honestly was expecting some sort of hate for that analysis of him but lots of people commented (this feedback is mostly on tumblr, btw) and messaged me about the analysis or left tags on their reblogs about how they were thinking similar things or that I did really well with it. I love getting feedback on anything, but the sheer amount of it for THIS post... it was amazing and totally worth it.

May -

I shipped a few different pairings from Overwatch >w> Pharmercy is also one of them~ This piece was a pun on how Mercy's line in the game says "healing stream engaged" and I put a ring on her finger and titled it "Healing stream (and healer!) engaged!" ...unfortunately no one commented on that :'c

June -

This is around the time that I started switching from drawing BnF artwork to drawing furry art almost exclusively. I had been MAJORLY involved with the BnF roleplay community there for a while and did a lot of work for people on that site between doing my own roleplays. This was done for a dear friend of mine from that site of one of his new characters. Tagging on from the Pharmercy piece in May - I had become really drawn to doing a glow effect for some reason and wanted to do some sort of magic piece. So this one came about. The character himself was a mimic octopus, hence the designs on his skin and the almost tentacle texture to his hair.

July

In July I spent a LOT of time sketching and doodling furry stuff so I didn't really have any "fully finished" things to choose from for this month. After attending Texas Furry Fiesta in March I wanted to get more involved with the furry community but I didn't know how. I downloaded Telegram and tried talking with the artists/friends I had met at the convention but nothing was really sticking with me because I barely knew anyone local. But July was when I found out about the local Texas chats and started attending furmeets and events, made friends, etc. I started making LOTS of stickers for myself of my brand new fursona design to use in the chats (after years of having two separate sonas I combined the species into one that feels like ME rather than characters). Overall it's been a fantastic experience and I've made SO MANY new friends in the local furry community, it's great. BUT! Splatoon 2 had also come out and I discovered Marina because of one of my new furry friends who was/is obsessed with Splatoon and fell in love with her design >w> so I did a little bit of fanart for her during this month~

August -

The last month before school starting up was also the last time that I drew the kemono design of Dimitri with his BnF boyfriend Onnen the elk. At this point I had fully decided that I was moving on from BnF to get more involved with the furry community and I had mostly stopped drawing Overwatch fanart all the time too. I believe my computer was broken at some point and the game had to be deleted, the drive wiped and such. I lost a lot of files that I had been working on... but I didn't re-install the game and ended up not playing anymore because school started up at the end of the month and it was my last semester so I had some pretty big classes that needed my attention more.

September -

I'm really amazed that I had next to NOTHING for this month to choose from. All I had done in September was school work, some Telegram stickers, and maybe some sketches here and there. So what I chose for this month is an example of one of my favorite stickers that I had completed during the month (for Siber) and one of my projects during that month was to use Adobe Illustrator and design a sign or logo then use the laser cutters at the school to both do etching and cutting. And I redesigned my logo from about a year before and included elements that are super important to me (bunny and dragon, since I'm a dragunny, and the star since my last name is Starr). I also created my own font for the actual letters in my username too, which got me big points in my critique in class. It totally went to my head when everyone in there was just blown away with my design of it x3 I was struttin' the rest of the day~

October -

This piece is super emotional for me. As some of you may be aware; I lost my dad a few years ago. For some reason the thought came to mind that when/if I get married I'm not going to have my dad around to dance with me during the traditional father-daughter dance and then I tried to remember if he and I had EVER done that together and I'm pretty sure we never did. Maybe when I was very very young, but I don't remember ever going to anything like a "father-daughter dance". So... this is a drawing of a moment that will never happen. Also - my dad's fursona is a lion with a "chipped" afro, by the way. He loved the character I designed for him too x3 It's just kind of hard to see that in this drawing since it's cropped and he's mostly behind my sona's head

November -

I didn't have much to choose from for this month as I was still super busy with school, but this is when I started getting back into traditional art and began making badges for people~ One of my first commissioned traditional badges was for a local fur and I really like how it came out :3c so that's the one I chose to represent this month! \o/

December -

Another piece with Siber here, haha. But this one had a bunch of elements in it that I really enjoyed doing. There's the "magic" effect with the music around him, the color scheme is super wintery, there's foreground and background elements that I think really make the picture work well, and I really just like this picture haha. I think it's a strong representation of my styles mixed together since all I'd drawn of him up until this point was stickers so I was pretty set into a certain way of drawing this character. But this turned out really well and I just really like it haha

Boy that was a lot of blurbing >-> lolol Thanks for reading if you did! I'd love to read your comments on what month is your favorite or if you had a piece from last year that is definitely one of YOUR favorites that I didn't include (I'm super interested in that actually, please let me know lol) Do you think I chose good work for this? :3c Do you think I over-explained my own reasons behind choosing these? lol Lemme know what you think in the tags or comments or through my inbox! \o/ I DO definitely read all of that ~ ❤❤❤ And thank you again for following me ❤❤❤

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annieoftheshitposts · 7 years

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this post used to be a link to the old canons page but i’m turning it into a text dump of the revised one for people on mobile [or who have bad wifi/computers that the fancy schmancy script on the canons page wouldn’t play well with.] theres a lot sorry not sorry. here we go.

Canon Info

Much more is said about Annie in external sources than the game itself, here's copypastes of all I know of and go by.

From the 3rd DLC Character Voting page:

As popular figures in nationwide folktales, a children’s television adaptation of Annie and Sagan’s adventures was inevitable. The show’s success lies in its pair of live action hosts, who are as convincing as their cartoon counterparts. Though what the public learns about the real Annie might surprise them. Annie is a seasoned fighter who has been around for a long time, acquiring many skills and powers along the way. Her sword is forged from a meteorite and can channel the power of the stars in its sweeping cleaves. Her right eye bonds her to her Remote Parasite and partner, Sagan, who grants her powers of a galactic motif. While some of her abilities carry more of a sparkly magical girl motif, Annie tries to execute them with the same sternness.

From "The canon info thread" on Skullheart Encore forums:

-Annie is several-century-old. Her immortality was gained when her parents wished on the Skull Heart so that Annie would never have to experience the hardship of adulthood, thereby making her forever a child. -She has had many different weapons and abilities throughout her life. - Sagan, her remote parasite. keeps her right eye in his mouth. - She’s physically not able to swear due to her condition - She is familiar with Double due to her experience fighting Skullgirls - Annie has encountered a lot of Skullgirls and has killed a lot, but not the same a lot. She’s seen the cycle multiple times and seen how they become stronger each time and is looking for the underlying source now. - The Annie of the Stars show is very similar to the Super Mario Bros. Super Show with live action segments with cartoons and PSAs and commercials in between. - Sagan can talk. Somehow. - Annie hides her immortality by getting a new hairstyle every few years. The show tells the audience that they have simply changed the actress. Eliza also pulls a similar trick

and finally some other misc. scraps that weren't covered above:

-annie has some kind of "super" or "powered up" form, in which she seems to fuse with sagan. it can be seen on her

move concept sheet, in the end of robo-fortune's story mode, and as a very tiny feature on one of robo-fortune's merch posters, but to my knowlege it's never really been talked about.

-she's been depicted with an "incognito outfit", presumably for going out in public and not being recognized by fans.

-sagan is named after renowned astrophysicist carl sagan. this isnt really relevant to anything but it's not on the wiki so i figured i'd share :b

-and this random pic of annie in the past with a different look, plus gun and minus eyepatch, apparently official art from the "digital art compendium". i haven't seen the source for this one myself though, and count this one more as speculative canon since that ingame image up there with her eye uncovered doesn't show a scar or any kind of damage from this.

-another canon fact about annie is she is strong and brave and i love her.

Headcanon (Annie)

this is pretty disorganized bc i come up with and revise random shit on a fairly regular basis, but the very least it should be all here and up-to-date. [though on this text post version i may forget to keep it updated oops.

she can still only normally see from the one eye in her head [and likewise probably has terrible depth perception lmao], but she can “project” her vision into the one sagan has if need be, during which time both he and her main eye are blind.

even though sagan’s vision is his own and she doesn’t actively “see” through that eye most of the time, the stuff he sees still becomes part of her memory and she can recall it if need be, though it’s far less tangible and kind of a surreal experience trying to do so.

the space where her other eye was is now just...space. like empty starry void stuff. yes, TECHNICALLY, you could put stuff in it but why would you. sagan can feel when something interacts with it and it’s really just weird and uncomfortable for both of them.as sagan is the source of their powers, the strength of her abilities is slightly dependent on her distance from him. something like long sustained flight is really only capable if they’re touching, but she still has ample firepower and ability to zip around for a pretty good range otherwise.

Not interested in anime

absolutely hates being called her full name; hasn't gone by anything other than "Annie" for longer than anyone that should be alive today should know.

part of her curse of eternal youth is remembering everything up until the point it kicked in and she stopped aging [i.e. when she was Actually a kid] exactly as well as if she hadn’t aged.

from that point however, a lot of it is hazy as shit aside from more recent times [as you’d expect from someone who’s been around hundreds of years]. this one's gonna be angsty as shit when i address it and you can thank @sandstriker for that. fucker.

also hates being restrained. by the concept sheet and beo's story, her fighting style is very kinetic and relies heavily on mobility; take that away and you get one very uncomfortable and very angry starchild. [this one's 'cause of y'all with the handcuffs asks. this is part of why she's so agitated rn.]

what's in the pouch? whatever is alternatively convenient. is it snacks? is it a quick incognito disguise? is it her whole entire sword? who knows. i think it might be infinite hammerspace in there.

i haven't put much though into this side of her story yet, but i've decided part of the mythos of the "annie of the stars" character as a figure of legend is that she literally lives, among the stars.

if there's enough folktales about her to base an entire show off of, i'm willing to bet she used to be less elusive when she was just about fighting skullgirls before dedicating herself to the whole "looking for the underlying source" thing.

Headcanon (Sagan)

tl;dr: as far as things go here, he's essentially a cat and/or younger sibling.

Sagan's canon information and characterization is basically nonexistant, so i got to do pretty much whatever i wanted with him lmao.

simply put, he's a little gremlin of a partner, but he is genuinely good-natured and a happy-go-luckly little dude. mischevious, loves to get up to Shenanigans, go off and hide/disappear to fuck knows where for several hours, climb and sit on tall things[or failing that, annie's head], etc. @sawkinator has described him, regrettably accurately, as "the Token Disney Animal Sidekick". he has a lot of mannerisms like an animal, but is still very much a being of at least average human intelligence. he's also surprisingly indestructible. far from invincible of course, but in canon he's been shown to be quite stretchy and...possibly have minor shapeshifting capabilities?? he's pretty much immune to being squashed and feels very little [if any] pain from most things. really, as far as i can tell he's pretty much a weird sentient plushie. like, if it's not going to damage a plushie, it's not going to hurt him; examples being: getting knocked back really hard or falling a long way? not a problem. fire? problem.

Sagan tends to be somewhat nonverbal and generally only uses a few words or short phrase at a time when he does speak, which sounds something like the voice clip below. that being how it is, he can be kind of inscrutable and more than a bit jarring to most people--though at this point annie's been with him more than long enough to be completely desensitized to it and doesnt quite get why anyone would be perturbed. fortunately, with that familiarity also comes understanding, and she can easily "translate" and articulate more from his expressions. this understanding is a two-way street, and on its other side is sagan's sensitivity to her moods. annie's not particularly...communicative of her emotions, but sagan can always tell when she's having an off day or something's bothering her, and is far better than anyone at helping her feel better. all things said and quirky antics aside, he and annie are exceptionally close and fiercely protective of eachother the moment it comes to it. they don't make a big deal of showing it outwardly, but they know they've always got eachother's backs.

he's taken quite a liking to beowulf as well, and beo defintiely shamelessly enables sagan's shenanigans.

as i see it, annie may be the passion and power of their operation, but sagan is the heart and soul. beowulf is like....comic releif and emotional support. not entirely necessary, but certainly welcomed to have around. yeah. listen im a big sap i just want them all to be good friends ok. i love them.

also sagan does like and watch a lot of anime.

Blog Canon

miscellaneous happenings that either have continued relevance/significance, or y'all just won't let die. there's not a overarching plot to this thing at all, but geez we’ve kinda gathered some history here huh?

taught sagan to say fuck [and other swears, in her stead]. he used to have to do it on command but he's gotten really good at filling in for her.has a

stoat fursona that beo helped her make. she thinks it's neat/cute but has no real attachment to it.

attempted to sue the crystal gems for ripping off her entire shtick [it didn't go well]

beowulf also taught her how to dab.

@sparkeletran is a nuisance and must be stopped

the 70$ pile of high school musical merch. sagan and beo both wear the t-shirts sometimes. she hates it. don't let her attitude fool you though this is actually the best and most important ongoing joke in this whole damn thing.

the first handcuffs stint. they’re gone now but they had a good ~30-post run, and she did take to learning lockpicking because of it.

this.

hey. guess fucking what lads. handcuffs ROUND TWO 'cause y'all just don't fuckin' quit. the first mini story arc sorta thing, in which she visits the cirque des cartes and has an aggravting encounter with taliesin. [currently ongoing][hopefully soon ending]

[[redacted for ""spoilers""]] due to said encounter with taliesin

sparkeletran is a nuisance,

"the official annie of the stars instagram is just cat memes but with sagan" it's canon but i haven't decided whether it's something she would have had already or a recent thing. [either way, hasn't been touched on yet due to the arc taking so long]

badart annie is sorta like her own thing at this point but nothing that happens with her is canon; she p much just shows up for exceptionally dumb posts. we did give her noclip though which is terrifying. on that note i may as well include the things that are Not canon but y'all won't let me forget

beo's animated belt thing. look. it doesnt talk.

spray-on boots.

the lawnmower weapon

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh homestuck

#not annieposting

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illdothehotvoice · 7 years

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Art Request Guidlines

I decided I should actually have some established rules and answers to questions you may ask for Art Requests, so here you go. Is there anything you won't Draw?: Yes actually! I'm a minor so I won't be drawing NSFW any time soon. Besides, that's not really my cup of tea anyways! If I don't know the series you're requesting, I'll let you know and ask you to request something else if you'd like. I don't want to draw things I don't know about because I know I'll draw the characters wrong! Do I have to pay money for a request?: Nope! It's all free! I'm too young to do commissions and I don't think my art is good enough to sell anyways! Besides, I always have this fear that someone will request something and it turns out to be a piece of crap. Besides, I'm terrible with money so if you wanted to suddenly get a refund.. I probably would have already spent the money Will the drawing be colored?: I guess. I love coloring just it's really time consuming and keep in mind, I have a comic to work on as well! So if you really want it colored, I will. But unless you specifically tell me you want it colored, then no. It will not be. Where can I request?: Three places actually! You can send your request through the Ask box on this blog, The messages on this blog, or the ask box on my art blog! ( @blue-stop-signs ). I do prefer messages though so I can keep you updated and ask any questions that may pop up regarding your request. Will you draw my OC?: Sure! But I have some guidelines for that. 1. You must give me a decent reference sheet (This can range from a drawing to a legit reference sheet. I just need to be able to see the character) 2.Tell me a bit about your character! (What fandom (if any) are they from, what's their back story, what's their attitude?) 3. Your OC cannot be an animal like a pony or a fursona. I say this because I am TERRIBLE at drawing animals. Sorry. Will you draw crossovers?: HELL YES. I LOVE crossovers. Undertale and SU? Sure! Hell Mario and Undertale? Boi if you're asking for some Undertoad, I shall provide! But yes. I will draw crossovers. Just I need to know both of the series. When will my request get done?: It will be done eventually. I'll keep you updated as much as I can. Sometimes I get lazy and forget to do stuff, so if it's been weeks and you haven't been updated CONTACT ME. How many characters can I request?: I'm going to say.. maximum is 3. But keep in mind, the more characters you request, the longer it'll take to draw. Can I request ships?: This is a tricky one. I guess, but if it's a ship I don't morally agree with (like FontCest or AmeriCan (sorry to you guys who like that, it's just not my cup of tea)) then no. UNLESS you find a way to trick me into like have a picture of them cuddling. I will totally draw cuddles. I mean seriously, cuddling can be a friendship thing. But only Fluff!! Will it be digital art?: Nope! This will change eventually but I SUCK at digital art. I'm uses to pencil and paper and still have a lot to learn about digital. Sometimes I will make masterpieces, but those are VERY rare. I think that's all of the big ones. If you have any more questions, just ask.

#requests #art stuff

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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hi. today i got up on time, which is a surprise, considering how little i actually slept.

i had dumb dreams. i had more to say about them this morning, but before i could write anything down i had to leave for linda and david’s.

i was playing a very glitchy game. the level forgot to program in an ending, so it just kind of went on forever until you clipped through the floor. then it turned into like some film noir, i can only think “detective” story even though i am fairly certain there wasn’t really a mystery. it was... hard to see, because it was so dark. i remember there was something going on, but whenever i almost remember what the memory kind of slides around like a bar of soap. so whatever.

i showered and drove over to my relatives’ house. they made waffles and taught me how to make berry sauce. we talked about a ton of stuff. more than i can recall and list here. i ended up staying for four hours, which was just a little too long for me. when i got home i realized i was exhausted. i rambled at oz about jim cummings for a little bit and then i had to turn around and go over to gramma’s with my family for dinner.

dad said something very interesting while we were on the road. mom asked if i had heard back from taylor about comicon. i said no, she hadn’t texted me back. dad strongly recommended i call. i said i would send her a facebook message about it. that prompted dad to start ranting about talking to someone with your voice and how i never know anything and this is why my generation never knows anything.

not only was it nonsense, it was also blatantly untrue and also annoying? he was sure angry about this imaginary phenomenon though!

while at gramma’s my family sat in the living room around the tv and discussed yet again how our glorious leader is “not a politician” and “not a bad guy” and then they started making, like, weird non-jokes about illegal immigrants and their children and laughing. i sat at the kitchen table staring at my brother while he chewed on the fat end of a water bottle.

it’s weird how gramma and grampa work... gramma basically hates foreign people except when she personally knows them. then she’s kind and even sort of motherly. i guess she operates under the “you’re not like the others” policy.

we had pizza. i also had a klondike bar because it sounded interesting more than because i was still hungry. actually there was so much cheese on the pizza that i started feeling kind of ill just feeling it in my mouth haha.

then we drove home and i diddled around for a while. i didn’t want to do anything and nothing updates on sundays. i played fetch with wiley and my brother in the back yard since the sidewalk was too hot to take the dog for a walk. it was over 100 today.

i saw that my art trade partner had finally posted a reference of her character so i found some nice pokemon mystery dungeon remixes and got to work. she’s probably too young to recognize the jojo pose i used. it was fun looking up images of cosplayers (and araki himself) doing the poses. i had to use people models since jojo isn’t exactly known for its exceptional anatomical accuracy. especially for the stylish poses.

the character has just a few too many accessories that have to all be different colors for me to adjust the color palette well... and she stressed that the bracelets absolutely had to be “hot pink.” three times.

i noticed that these young artists spend a lot of time making sure their characters look like adult women even though they are basically just fursonas. all three of them were pretty... busty in the references i used. i don’t think i’ve ever drawn any of my non human characters like that...

while i was drawing i was thinking a little bit about why i was doing this. like... i know it’s mostly just to make other people happy and not for any personal gain. even though it puts a lot of stress on my wrist and fingers, especially when i use the tablet. like... i enjoy drawing. i guess that’s the reward here. why did i do the coloring page? because i enjoy coloring.

but that’s not really what i want to be doing in therapy either, you know? my goal can’t be “help me learn to manage my energy so i can give and give and give.” that’s not gonna fly.

i was so busy all day that i didn’t really have time to sit and do nothing but think about that goal. i guess that’s why i started writing the journal so early. to give myself time to complain my way through my thought process and hopefully arrive at a useful conclusion this time.

and immediately upon saying that i have no thoughts, of course.

i wish... i could get people to see me as a person and not a potential sex conquest or whatever. basically all of my relationships pick one or the other. but my goal can’t be to change how other people think. i can’t force anyone to think anything. all i can do is change how i present myself.

do i need to stop being afraid of judgment? i don’t know how i feel about being judged... i mean, it’s been a part of my life for basically the whole time. it’s gonna happen. it comes with being uncontrollably weird.

do i need to learn to loosen up and commit? that would really be only for singing and dancing. people wise i run into the same problem as last night. just going to get steamrolled.

i guess being more confident would help. especially academic confidence. impostor syndrome is deadly for careers. but i don’t think academic confidence is going to help with the underlying “cannot make connections” problem.

haha. i guess i’m depressed. my brain just said “i could always kill myself. then there wouldn’t be a problem.” i wonder why the “start over” instinct is so strong in suicidal feelings. even if reincarnation was real, losing all your memories and experience could easily lead to you just making the same mistakes over again, even with different life circumstances. that’s not helpful. but then again, carrying your “beyond repair” feelings over isn’t helpful either. i guess that sucks.

should i ask for help from the therapist? as far as “setting a reasonable goal” goes. like, i’m already asking for help in general of course. that’s what therapy is. but again i’m worried about the difference between getting assistance and having my hand held. if i can’t be independent and self-sustaining here, where will that happen? “later”? how far is later? best to work on that now too.

what’s the difference between reasons and excuses? personal opinion, i guess.

is this a problem i can look up on google? how would i even word that request? “fix my life pls.” “how to make connections.” “suggestions for handling a deep fear of other humans.” should i... be doing some personal research like a google search before asking the therapist for ideas? i don’t really have any other resources. can’t ask my parents. the rest of my family basically says “you have to get over it, you’re smart” when i bring up confidence issues. should i go to the library or something? surely out of the billions of people who have lived someone has had this problem before.

google says to get people to take you more seriously you have to encourage others to talk about themselves. COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

linda’s advice for academic success was to work harder. as long as you work as hard as you can, things will work out.

i just... i don’t know where the limit is. i seem to have an endless amount of effort i can give and then suddenly i break. but i could just try a little harder if i kept going... i still have energy reserves in there somewhere. i feel like every time i break it’s because i am holding back and not because i am actually sick. like when i try to run. just because i’m tired doesn’t mean it is physically impossible to keep running. i could always just keep going, if i had the mental strength. but i am weak, so i stop running and walk instead. and then i can’t breathe or stand at the end of it because i ran too far i guess.

it’s hard to balance out the knowledge that i am mortal and able to be killed by a mistake with the fact that i have survived everything so far in my life (obviously). it’s not unheard of for people to die after pushing themselves too hard. but i look at that and some insane part of me says “but they were able to push themselves that hard in the first place, and you can’t. because you’re a wuss.”

should my therapy goal be to make better jokes?

but really, all that happens is that i feel like i didn’t REALLY try my hardest, because i have not literally died yet.

maybe i am splitting hairs and not focusing on the real problem when i think about the differences between words, between good connotations and bad connotations. i can’t tell. there’s a lot i don’t know, and even more i don’t understand. there are a lot of questions about myself i need to answer, but i can’t figure out how to think about them in a way that will allow me to give a definite answer. all my answers to hard questions are soft, laced with exceptions and the knowledge that there is more nuance to the situation than i am able to articulate. and then, i guess i get lost trying to navigate that.

is that what it’s like to be unable to see the big picture? i always thought i was good at that. maybe i am not good at that either.

maybe i am retarded after all. there are a lot of questions i have about myself and i don’t know how to answer them. but i feel like an adult my age should have at least SOME of them answered, and i feel like many of my peers have come to decisions. i’m still trying to figure out what the questions even are.

or maybe i’m hiding the questions i’ve already answered from myself so i feel less successful. who knows!!!!!

i just want to be safe more than i want to love other people. is changing what i want a good idea? and, if it is, what should i want instead? is throwing safety out the window a form of self harm? smells suspiciously like self harm to me.

if i get hurt again, i guess i could always pretend it isn’t real. or forget about it. but that doesn’t really make me happy either.

i don’t have the strength to back up my requests. evan at villanova made a big show of pinning me against the wall and there was nothing i could do about it because he was bigger than me. craig did his thing and i feel like i could have done something, but chose not to, and therefore what happened is my fault. i don’t remember being able to make a decision because i was so shocked by what was happening. but i should have made one anyway. i didn’t know if screaming would be an appropriate reaction considering there were other people in the room and none of them said or did anything. and when i broke up with craig they tried to get us to “talk it out” so we could potentially “get back together” or at least “be friends.”

what is even the point of having friends if they’re gonna be like that.

i have so many things to say in therapy and NO TIME to say all of them. how do i pick the “most important” things? how do i only pick a few things to talk about and still get across that this has happened for 24 years straight? how do i talk about this stuff when i don’t even WANT to remember it, let alone the fact that i barely remember it anyway?

except, you know, i do remember it very vividly. i just can’t be sure that it’s vivid and also accurate. because memories are persnickety like that. and it’s not like i can just go ask the people who were there what happened. they won’t remember it or they will just straight up deny it happened. like when i told dad that mom used to beat me.

wow it looks like i’m a wreck! how am i supposed to pick one thing to fix when EVERYTHING IS BROKEN?

maybe that’s what the problem is. like trying to fix the plumbing in a house that is on fire.

#tw suicide mention

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carnival-core · 7 years

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RULES: Answer these questions and tag twenty (20) people you want to get know better! TAGGED BY: @ptsd-2p-romano NAME: Jester !  NICKNAMES: I get called allot of things, so I'm fine with any names ! (Except for one, but thts Bc it reminds me of shitty past experiences .)  ZODIAC SIGN: Taurus HOGWARTS HOUSE: I'm... actually not a HP fan, but I thought I was a Hufflepuff for the longest time, though an apparently p accurate quiz (not the official one Bc I'm too lazy to make an acc) said I was a Slytherin? Which is cool Bc I love snakes .. ORIENTATION: Pansexual ,, I fuck pans (I don't but come on I gotta make that awful joke at some point)  ETHNICITY: I'm German, Irish, English, and Italian- aka 100% white mayo + olive oil FAVORITE FRUIT: Pineapples ,,  FAVORITE SEASON: None??? But I can't stand the cold so FAVORITE BOOKS: Not much of a book person, they never hold my attention for long ... but I love Children of the Corn to hell and back  FAVORITE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS: Too many tht I'm embarrassed to name  FAVORITE FLOWERS: Dark red roses ??? Idk why but , yea - not flowers but I love Venus flytrap s too FAVORITE SCENTS: GARLIC . FAVORITE COLORS: Pink, dark reds, pastels in general,,,  FAVORITE ANIMALS: snakes and sheep (wow I don't have to change this answer)  FAVORITE ARTIST/BANDS: Emilie Autumn, Melanie Martinez, Nicole Dollanger (kinda? I don't really like allot of her songs but the ones I do I LOVE s), Creature Feature, Evanescence - creepy and/or edgy shit FAVORITE DRINK: Virgin piña coladas!! AVERAGE SLEEP: People keep track? I don't have a consistent sleep schedule lmao  NUMBER OF BLANKETS I SLEEP WITH: Depends, I usually sleep with one or two- depending on which blanket I use tht night, but I love shit with weight to it (I need a weighted blanket)  DREAM TRIP: VEGAS, or Hollywood - I also used to rlly wanna go to Japan, and I still kinda do LAST THING GOOGLED: What Animal am I? (When I was tryna think of a fursona) HOW MANY BLOGS I FOLLOW: 1078 at the time of posting, wow NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS: 278 at the time of posting this -- golly ?  WHAT I USUALLY POST ABOUT: When it comes to reblogs it's either Shit I like, shitposts, or things I'd feel guilty for not reblogging . For original content it's updates, art, and shitposts - rlly AESTHETIC: Circus-shit, 1920s gothic, Creepy stuff (like fancy creepy stuff especially), body horror, monsters/cryptids, k//idcore (w all the other stuff on this aesthetic list do we rlly need tht tag to see this), old fashioned stuff in general .? I TAG: Anyone who wants to do this man idk I'm bad w tagging ppl

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bambuizeled · 7 years

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"I will learn to live again, for now I'm breaking All the things I couldn't mend without escaping I will learn to love again I will learn to love I will learn" - “I Felt Free” by Circa Survive

Hey look! It’s Krissy! My first fursona... Or well... One of my first fursonas. Krissy was a German Shepherd because they were my favorite type of dog back I made them. You probably have to have known me for 7+ years to even remember them. Why am I posting them and why did I draw them again? Well... It’s a long story...

Before we begin I just want to say this is not vent art and not even a vent post with what will be mentioned---The followup to this is more vent related anything. This is gonna be touchy. It talks about abuse, manipulations, and stalking lil’ mentions of suicide idealization---Stalking that still seems going on to this day! But we'll get to that...

So... I'll clarify that this happened around back in 2010 and most of this shit took place on Deviantart unless stated otherwise. Sadly this was before we constantly spammed the “PRT SC” button for receipts and shit so much dialogue is lost and some is shit I’ve forgotten. I used to delete my accounts due to being overwhelmed, too.

Sometimes people end up having the wrong person in their lives. Unfortunately, It happens. Stuff like this can happen the most when we're younger and impulsive. Online relationships were an odd concept for me but I found myself getting into one. When I thought I had a good relationship I was going to through a rough time with a abusive parent and wound up in the hospital for an entire week. I remember that day pretty well. Went to school as normal but had to leave early as my mom picked me up and she drove me to see doctor and wound up having to stay in the hospital for a week due to suicidal thoughts. Didn't get to mention "Hey, I can't be online for a long while" on Deviantart to let any of my friends know. So I was stuck in there for a week.

Only to come back online, not wanting to mention the specifics as other people asked me why I was gone for so long---Including my datemate, who wound up suspicious over me being gone. Back then, I never liked mentioning my mental illnesses or doctor’s trips and I still don't really do that now unless I know someone really well or I need to clarify something about my behavior. But back then I hated mentioning my mental illnesses to the point where I often lived in the delusion that I was normal and didn’t need my meds. But me being gone for a week enough for him to decide for us to break up because he met someone else during the same week I just happened to be gone. And apparently their mother got suspicious of me because I lived in another country and was dating their child. The usual "You might be dating someone much older than you case" when it wasn't that at all. But, of course, we had to break up. Coming back to that after a terrible stay in the hospital for a week and dealing with an abusive mother honestly had nothing more than self harm and suicide on my young, teenage mind. But I still didn’t want to mention anything in regards to my personal life so I never explained...

It was less about breaking up and more as to how it was handled. There was a copy-paste note sent out to multiple people---including me. Explaining the whole situation and mentioning that he and I had broke up in a small footnote. And that. Put me on the breaking point and I simply blocked him and planned to ignore him from that point. Of course, my decision immediately caused chaos. He wound up creating a fake account to pretend he was someone else. A brand new account just popping up and someone immediately talking to me? He asked me if he could draw one of my OCs. I said "Sure" and once the drawing was done, I had a suspicion over who it was. And we eventually had a conversation via notes and since I was still sad about the breakup. I was asked if I could just forgive him and I responded with a "no". And then being told it's a good idea to forgive people... Coming from the stalker who had to make a new account, pretend it wasn't him, and then try to make himself look like the victim? Haaah.

So it went back to quietness until there were various journals "calling me out". Mentioning how mean I was or belittling me to the public on journals from Deviantart to Furaffinity. And of course, multiple people would end up disliking me and talking shit about me in the comments. Boy, as someone who deals with paranoia in my adulthood---I wonder how that came to be, eh?

And when I don't let him have his way----He ends up making vent art and ranting about me in submissions! How nice to have something escalate from journals to vent art about me so it can blasted on the front page to DA and FA. It's funny because when the vent art was posted---I was called a "whiny bitch" when this person was the one another account for block evasion, making journals and art submissions that namedropped me no less. While I just stayed quiet because I was going through child abuse and dealing with racism at school and I did not remotely feel safe online when spending time and posting art on Deviantart was one of the few things that made me happy. What a wonderful experience I had there, right?

After all of the ranting, I ended up receiving some sort of apology message from my ex but he used someone else to send it to me via note on FA. Because of all of the harassment---I accepted the apology even though I didn't want to. I wanted this to stop. I had no choice because I was already dealing with a lot in real life. I at least wanted to feel safe on Deviantart.

Eventually we did start talking to each other again in July of 2010... Then there was some sort of fight that my mind draws a blank at in 2011. There was a disagreement over something and it was back to not being friends again, apparently he was the one to end it. Maybe that's why I don't remember? Because it did mean freedom for me after feeling forced to stay with this person. It was probably something meager or something really stupid in his case. But it did go back with me being publicly shamed again so I'll leave that note here as well. Then I was begged for forgiveness once more and I accepted the apology again because I scared.

But you know what did all of the harassment amounted to? This person publicly slandering about how much of a bitch I was for not forgiving him and just deciding to cut ties? Wanting me to go about my life because I was dealing with a lot in my life and my only safe space was being contaminated? You want to know what all of that amounted into? I got ignored and I got neglected. No. I'm not fucking joking.

Each time we cut ties and got back together---There was a bit of talking and then just silence all the way through. It was more prominent after 2011. And you want to know who was the ONLY person to bother with starting conversations with this abusive person? Me. Because I thought we were friends. But we really weren't. No matter what he says otherwise. It was nothing more than a delusion. Constant complaints about me for blocking him when I wanted nothing to do with him only for me to "forgive" apologies because I wanted the harassment to stop. I was forced into a friendship with someone because I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions without the threat of slander and I was miserable.

So from July 2011 up to June 23rd 2016----I was the only person to say "Hi" or actually try to get chatter going. Most of the time conversations would end in abrupt silences. No replies or anything for over months to years. No updates or anything. Even passively aggressively mentioning me on a Deviantart journal where you answer questions and it asks you who your friends are and for some reason I’m added to the list with some sort of passive aggressive “I know we don’t talk much, but I still consider you a friend”. Yeah, not like he ever bothered to talk to begin with. What a great friend. But mentioning that we don’t talk on a DA journal is more appropriate than starting a conversation apparently. Maybe I was expected to break the ice again but at that point I was not interested in speaking to him anymore. Most of the time, I don’t mind it if me and friends don’t talk for a long while. Heck, there’s friends who I haven’t talked to in over a year and we’re still on good terms. But this.... Is a different case than not talking to someone for over a year or a general long period of time---This is a case of having someone harass you for not wanting to talk to them and when they can talk to you---they ignore you instead. AND THIS HAPPENED TWICE.

So... What happened on June 23rd 2016? I sent him a note, asking him to never contact me or interact with me or any of my accounts ever again. But due to the disrespect for my spaces---Well... That’ll be revealed shortly afterwards.

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You'd think me typing all of this would mean I'm mad, right? Hah. When we get to the other part and such---Then you’ll see why I’m mad.

I drew this picture as something that represents me. Or well, a part of me. Specifically the younger part of me---Back when I was about 15 when this all happened. I wanted to draw something light for this topic. Because of dealing with 6 years of that crap. Having this person out of my life and even kicking them out when it was clear they didn’t really care for me from the beginning made me so happy with myself. The entire time I was forced into a relationship that made me feel unsafe and scared. And yet I was still the one to ever bother talking.

All in all; be kind to yourself. Have the right people in your life---Specifically non-toxic people. A mutual relationship with understanding is better than a relationship where it's one-sided and there's too much tension or someone is uncomfortable around you. Breaking away seems scary---And it is. But sometimes you need to break away and heal.

The topic of "healing" and "recovering" can be a scary subject to people. I know I always dreaded the concept for some reason---More so to the concept of me never being able to recover over broken relationships. But when I told this person I didn't want him in my life anymore---I felt free. To cut back any ties that were holding me back. To let go any bad memories that I'd usually think about during my depression spells. (Which did stop during said spells, thankfully.) And I felt so proud of myself finally cutting ties with someone who took me for granted and ignored me.

Sometimes you'll never forgive a person---That lack of forgiveness for someone isn't a "grudge". Whether or not you forgive doesn't make you a bad person. You can forgive the moments to move on. To think my stalker pretended to be someone else and suggested forgiveness where it was not his place to.

Maybe what I say is something people can't relate to. I'm human, and we're all different. And situations are different. Healing and recovery is different for people and different for everyone. So take it all with a grain of salt because what I mention is from my own experience

But do know this, if you ever experience a toxic relationship that ends up with stalking as a result---Please. Take care of yourself and I hope you are well.

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