#I might post this to ao3 later as well if ppl prefer reading things there. ill add a link when that happens
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Returning from camp after dealing with the gnolls and the fire at Waukeen’s Rest, Majexatli dropped their pack and staff at their tent and immediately went off into the trees without looking back.
Their muscles ached, not just from exertion, not just from the flames that had licked their skin, but from something unnamed, a painful restlessness, a hunger to have their bones snap and reshape into something else, anything else.
Ash and blood still stuck to their skin, their hair, their horns. They needed to clean themselves off, as they were certain their companions were also doing, likely at the water's edge closer to their camp.
While Majexatli walked, they pulled the tie and ribbon from their hair, combing their fingers through and undoing their braid, wincing as they pulled at knots and strands matted with blood.
As they began stripping off their leather armor, laying it out on a rock near the river’s edge, they heard a twig snap behind them. Majexatli froze, the warm, electric feel of imminent wildshape enveloping them, the tension radiating off them as time nearly stood still. Their ears twitched as they analyzed the sounds of the forest around them, holding themselves on the precipice there, as they listened for information, warning signs.
“Apologies, I didn’t mean to startle you,”
And suddenly Majexatli was pulled back from the edge, a chill washing over their body even as they stood in the sunlight, an emptiness settling inside them even though they could still taste—
Majexatli looked over their shoulder to see Wyll, standing on the path a little ways away, hands half raised as if to show he meant no threat. Part of them hated how they believed that.
They couldn’t remember the last time someone had seen them with their hair down.
“It’s alright,” Majexatli said, even as the tension didn’t leave them, “My reflex would be to wildshape, not attack,”
Not a lie, but Majexatli didn’t know what the truth would be. Would they have run? Would they have tacked Wyll to the ground, snarling and pressing bloodied teeth to his throat? Would he fight back? If it came down to it, would he drive a rapier through their heart? Could he bring himself to? Did he already know? Did he plan on this, has he been waiting to get them alone like this so he could—
“Majexatli?”
They blinked, coming back to themselves, seeing Wyll’s face look at them with concern that cut them more deeply than a knife.
“Sorry, it’s been a long day, I’m a little… out of it,” They smiled politely, forcing their shoulders to relax as much as they could.
Sitting down on the rock, they began unlacing their boots, mimicking nonchalance, all the while watching Wyll out of the corner of their eye, every nerve in their body focused on the weight of the dagger on their hip. Wyll took a few cautious steps forward.
Is he afraid of me, or is he afraid that I am? In his eyes am I wounded prey or a predator?
“I just wanted to make sure you were alright, as soon as we got to camp, I turned around and you were already gone.”
“Apologies, I just…needed to get away,” Majexatli said, leaning back on their hands with a sigh, now stripped down to their breeches and laced tunic, rumpled and stained with blood, “I’m not used to… this. People. Before the Nautiloid I would go weeks without seeing other people, now there’s countless every day.”
Part of them wondered if he would take the bait, if his face would twist in confusion, finally piece together the lies. Don’t ask me a question where I can lie, I can’t speak the truth aloud, don’t fall for the mask, please.
“You’ve been doing quite well, if you ask me,” Wyll smiled, stepping a bit closer, “Genuinely, you’ve gone out of your way time and time again just to help people with no promise of reward. Today was no exception.”
Majexatli nodded. They could still taste gnoll blood in their mouth, the adrenaline buzzing in their veins.
Did you see? Did you watch me snap the neck of that hyena? You were horrified by the sight of the gnoll transformation, by the mindless consuming hunger. Did you condemn that hunger and politely look away from mine? Did you avert your eyes so you didn’t have to watch me tear out throats with my teeth? Rip open flesh and stain my maw red? Does it scare you? When I lifted that burning beam off that man in Waukeen’s Rest, did you know I still had raw flesh between my teeth? In my stomach?
“It hardly seemed a choice, it was the right thing to do,”
“Not everyone would see it that way,” Wyll smiled, “But I didn’t mean to intrude, I can let you be,”
Wyll bowed slightly, stepping back. It shouldn’t bother them, like they said, they were used to being alone, they didn’t like being around people, they had come this far from camp to get away from everyone. So why did their stomach drop, blood run cold as Wyll moved away?
“It’s alright, I was just going to clean myself up in the river, I’m sure you could use a dip as well, and I’m hardly standoffish about something as trivial as nudity,”
It wasn’t quite a lie.
They hoped they didn’t seem too quick in turning away, beginning to unlace their shirt and breeches. Their own heartbeat was loud in their ears, the warmth of the sun paling in comparison to the shame and anxiety curling in their belly uninvited. While they avoided looking back—not wanting to meet his eyes, not wanting to let him see the scars, not wanting to let him see the fear in their eyes—they tried their best to listen, hear if Wyll was walking away or not.
I am unarmored, I can show you which ribs you should drive your sword through. You win, show your true colors and I’ll show you mine. Please. I am the monster you are supposed to slay, don’t look at me like you are the selfless knight and I am the prince who needs saving.
Folding their clothes and placing them neatly next to their armor on the rocks, Majexatli tried to force a relaxed posture, tried to force the knot in their stomach to release.
The river's water was refreshingly cool as they stepped into it, it might have even felt nice
“You make it look easy, not catching your shirt on your horns. I suppose you have far more experience with them, though,”
They heard movement, a rustle of fabric, a disturbance in the water behind them. If they were someone else, they might not have been able to tell how far away Wyll was, a respectable distance, as though he was trying to respect their privacy, their space. Majexatli didn’t look back at him, but they glanced at the riverbank out of the corner of their eye. Wyll’s rapier lay next to his armor and clothes.
The metal of the dagger in Majexatli’s hand burned.
“It happens to everyone. They weren’t always like this, they betray my age. When I was 20 I think they were barely even starting to curve,”
You would have liked me back then, when I would giggle and blush like a schoolboy and braid flowers into my hair and sing songs of Silvanus and peace. You want them, not me.
“Really? It seems hard to picture you without the beautiful horns you have today,” There was a fondness in his voice that felt misplaced, Majexatli could hear Wyll’s smile and they hated that they wanted to turn and see it.
“You’re not alone, that was a lifetime ago,”
“I suppose I’ve never thought about it, do horns continue to grow over time?”
“Somewhat. They start to come in when you’re quite young, and usually by the time you’re an adult they’ve grown into their full shape. But they still grow a bit,”
“Yours weren’t grown in when you were 20?”
Shit. A slip, careless.
“It—it can depend. Growth can be stunted in plenty of ways,”
“Apologies, I didn’t mean to pry, you needn’t tell me anything you don’t want to share,”
Oh, he sounded so genuine, an alien feeling welled up inside Majexatli at his voice. A feeling so tender that Majexatli felt their nails digging into their palm hard enough to draw blood, their grip on their dagger turning their knuckles white as they fought an urge to rip and cut and tear into their own chest and strangle whatever was budding in their chest before it could take root.
“I don’t suppose you have any tips for caring for horns, or tails for that matter?”
“I— someone else probably has better advice than I could give. I didn’t grow up around tieflings, don’t think I even met another tiefling until I was already an adult. I’m sure I’m doing something wrong with them,” Majexatli said, another slip, a careless truth falling from their lips.
“You must be doing something right, you’re quite handsome,”
He probably even meant it.
“For the horns, a little soap and water works well, doesn’t have to be anything special. If I want to do something special, I have a balm of sorts, easy to make. You only need a bit on them, sometimes I use something to sand off the driest outer layer beforehand,”
They shrugged.
“I might have to ask you for the recipe then, sometime,” Wyll paused for a moment, Majexatli could feel him considering something, “I—as I said before, I don’t mean to pry, and you needn’t answer if you don’t want to—”
Here it comes, Majexatli thought, here’s where you drop the kind facade.
“Yes?”
“You said earlier you didn’t grow up with tieflings, I can’t imagine that was easy…”
There was a beat of silence before Majexatli responded.
“It wasn’t. For a while, I considered cutting my horns off. Same with my tail. Not that it would have changed anything, but I couldn’t stand looking in the mirror or seeing the way people looked at me like I was a monster,”
They should have lied, they knew, but the exhaustion that seeped through them was from more than just the physical.
“How did you make it through?”
I didn’t survive. Not in any way that’s meaningful. I let it consume me. If I didn’t look like this I would have been married, had a home, maybe had children. I didn’t find any meaningful lesson from my suffering. All I found was that the world is cruel and so many gods are indifferent. I spent years cutting my teeth on the bones of animals that still squirmed and cried out as I ate them raw. I’m no different than that hyena in the road, infected by hunger and reshaping my bones into something feral and monstrous.
He wouldn’t want to hear that, he didn’t want the truth, Majexatli knew. He wasn’t asking advice from them, he was asking for advice from the the gentle sage druid that they wore the skin of. He didn’t want a tragedy, he wanted a happy ending. Wyll wanted to see the light at the end of the tunnel, wanted to know things ease with time, that bodies and worries eventually settle like houses and dust. He wanted advice from the other side, not realizing Majexatli was in the dark, miles behind him.
“I realized how rare and beautiful existence can be, that I am the fruit of a tree planted centuries ago. And though it’s never easy, I remember that the hatred in my heart when I look in the mirror was not my own, is not a truth or some innate part of me, it is an echo of words spoken by others, and I should not offer those people a hoe to sow their seeds of hatred in my mind,”
There was a beat of silence, the only sounds were the water of the river, the distant chirping of birds, the rustle of leaves in the wind.
“Do you believe that?”
A soft question.
“...Sometimes,”
A half-truth.
They finished bathing in silence, Wyll returning to camp soon after.
Under the moon, hunched over an elk carcass, maw dripping red, bones crunching beneath their teeth as they split open ribs to feast on its heart, Majexatli’s eyes fell on a patch of wild lavender growing nearby, swaying ever so slightly in the breeze. They weren’t sure what gripped them when they dropped wildshape and carefully picked the flowers, trying their best to keep from staining them with the blood and bits of viscera that stuck to their hand. Nor were they sure what motivated them when they returned to camp to clear off a space on their makeshift table with their herbalism and alchemical supplies.
Majexatli had told the truth to Wyll earlier; it was a simple recipe. Even simpler mixing it with the lavender and a touch of cedar oil, carving a small wooden jar to place it in.
The moon was still high in the sky when Majexatli placed it outside Wyll’s tent as he slept inside. He would find it in the morning, knowing Majexatli left it for him. The thought was discomforting. It would be easier to slip into his tent, get him to draw his blade, bury it in their chest, let him kill the monster in self-defense. The kindness, the vulnerability felt too much, too raw, but they swallowed it down, at least that was familiar. Majexatli was used to eating things raw.
#eldritch it speaks#salam plays bg3#oc: majexatli#wyll x tav#hiiiiiiiiii i finally finished this please clap#I might post this to ao3 later as well if ppl prefer reading things there. ill add a link when that happens
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More on the Fan Fic issue
I have a few more asks about the issue raised the other day, some of which are long and go into detail on the 'wars' that have been happening on Twitter and AO3.
Sorry for grouping these but I wanted to put it all under a cut because these are long, and also in case people don't want to dig into these issues (which would be understandable).
Anonymous 1 asked:
"I am very strongly of the opinion that the BJYX term is still a fandom umbrella term" I agree. Mainly because Bjyx is the most popular. Many antis always say bjyx, and have no idea the others. So sometimes it's easier just to say bjyx instead of explaining all three. I myself more like "who cares as long as they happy." So I enjoy Yizhan in all contexts. Many bxgs I know also like that, mostly ibxgs. I think deep down all bxgs (no matter which position they prefer) just want Yizhan to be happy
Not sure we can be so certain about that last part, Anon (I think for a lot of people GG and DD are just characters in a smutty story they have in their heads), but I agree about the term being popular regardless of the type of fans people are.
From what I can see the BJYX term seems to be used 80-90% umbrella, 10-20% dynamic in both international and c-social media (for every 10 times you see the term used, only one or two of those usages - probably less - are referring to a dynamic). This is my totally unscientific estimation, but I think even 10-20% dynamic is being generous. The number of people who are fixated on a sexual dynamic aren't nearly as large as they'd like to believe.
Anonymous 2 asked:
about the promptfests - i’ve been on twitter since early 2020 and what i’ve noticed is that this influx bjyx-only promptfests started gaining speed once lots of rational voices started leaving the fandom recently either because a) new interests have caught their attention or b) the toxicity of the popular bxg circles on twitter have become too much to handle.
gdgdbaby was usually the organizer of dynamic-inclusive events, and she’s received lots, and lots, and lots of backlash by bxg, sometimes even by accounts with thousands followers, for using bjyx as a catch-all term. and as her interest in yizhan has since waned—hopefully for reasons unrelated to fandom toxicity—many of the people who were attracted to the welcoming environment she created distanced themselves as well.
zsww/lsfy fans have become an outnumbered circle who try their best to create exclusive events to avoid the “is bjyx a catch-all term” discourse, but never seem to gain as much traction as gdgdbaby (who has a sizeable following) or those who host bjyx-only events (who also have sizeable followings).
meanwhile the dynamic war has only become more and more hostile and bjyx is clearly the more populated group… ao3 is simply a battlegrounds, if i may dramatize the situation a little for the sake of humor, and the promptfests are a reaction to this irritating t/b discourse that has made bxg twitter completely inhospitable for me…and lots of other fans too.
(i’ve also noticed a huge reinforcement as of recently where ppl will call gg laopo, a milf, an omega, etc even outside of rpf (i.e. posting pictures of him at events and saying he looks pregnant or he’s going into heat) and it’s just… uncomfortable.)
(also please note i have a biased account of all of this drama bc many of my friends were harassed over it, and anyone who disagrees with my take may feel free to interject.)
I took the liberty of adding paragraph breaks because they are pretty important for some readers, particularly ND readers like me.
It's sad to hear how fucked up everything has become, but I'm not even remotely surprised. Toxicity leads to toxicity, and the whole idea of dividing up a RP fandom by sex position was misguided from the outset - no matter why it was done or how good the intentions might have been.
And yes, like I said, these people aren't just framing things this way for fan fic. This is how they talk about IRL GGDD.
I had written a lengthy essay here about homophobia in the fandom but deleted it all. Perhaps I'll post it separately at some later point. Suffice it to say that this stuff creates a climate that's often hostile for queer people. So much of it is deeply homophobic, whether people are aware of it or not.
It's really sad to hear about gdgdbaby being mistreated in any way. Anyone who steps up and sticks their neck out to help organize and coordinate activities that benefit a broader group of people should be celebrated and supported, not run out of town by an angry mob.
I've read some of her stories and even have one or two on my rec list. And here's someone who is not only writing good works, but also supporting others to write more good works. Such a shame.
Anonymous 3 asked:
Hello Mr. RBS! I think I can chime in a bit about the fanfic topic as I’ve watched this all unravel on twitter (where a majority of authors/readers are). I apologize if this gets long but it’s been something that’s also been on my mind.
I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a fan of the distinctions of dynamics as, like you said, the supposed line between real life and fanfic is long gone, so I’m not trying to be biased against one group over another.
Short answer to the question of, “is this retaliation?” : I do believe it is. (From here onwards I’ll be using bjyx as the dynamic term just for the ease of simplicity.) To understand why, I’ll have to explain with a bit of background info. On twitter, I’d say that there’s a quite large divide between bjyx and zsww/lsfy. That itself isn’t really a problem because people are free to like what they like and associate with whoever.
However there is a big problem where bjyx people are not just bjyx but also anti-zsww/lsfy. To the point where I’ve seen people say that they feel physically ill when they accidentally read zsww. I don’t think this type of behavior should exist in any dynamic bc in the end GGDD are real people with a real relationship behind this content and it’s just a gross fetishization at that point.
With all this happening, zsww/lsfy people have gotten more outspoken on how GG is often portrayed in those types of scenarios, mainly the over-feminization of him, bc it’s not just done in the context of fanfic but regular discussion of GGDD at this point. This tension between the dynamics kind of boiled over when the pregnant xz fest was announced, as you can take a guess at how that went over with zsww/lsfy people. lol.
But around that same time, another zsww/lsfy event was announced (I’m not sure if it’s the one anon was talking about) but the creator of the event suddenly got a ton of backlash for excluding bjyx, with the reasoning that bjyx is technically a part of lsfy. But the event was done to highlight zsww/lsfy (as all specific events are) bc the community and content for these dynamics are much less than bjyx.
Which is how we come back to the starting point of, is all this recent bjyx stuff retaliatory. I believe so bc the events (preg fest, dark event) are very specific prompts that target exactly what zsww/lsfy people have been outspoken against.
As to the point anon made about trying to drown out the tags, keep in mind that zsww/lsfy content is very minimal compared to bjyx and has only just recently started to gain more traction. I think most people would love to just peacefully exist in their own circles but I don’t see this problem between dynamics disappearing anytime soon.
Like I said with the above Anon, I've added paragraph breaks for ND readers.
What a mess.
I have absolutely nothing useful to say here about the fandom on AO3 and how it's managed by community members, but I do think it's unfortunate that people choose to be war-like rather than make space for diverse voices, and I think it's a real shame that some people have been essentially run out of the fandom because of this garbage.
Thanks for giving some context for how/why the major shift in tone of fan fic lately. I had no idea any of this was going on.
I urge people to work hard to give space for all voices and perspectives, and not just the ones they favor. I'd also urge people to reflect on how their thoughts, behavior and actions in the fandom might affect queer people in the fandom.
As always, we have no control over what other people do, say or think. All we have any control over is how we respond to what other people do, say or think. Hopefully we'll chose the path of peace and try to avoid fan wars or fights that only ruin the experience for everyone.
I guess one thing I'd ask any of the Anons who have written me about this issue - or anyone who has thoughts about it - is, what can we as readers/fans who care about diversity of voices and perspectives do to support that here and on AO3, without getting involved in any kind of war?
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🏀, 📖, 🎸, 🚗, 👤, 📼, 💄, 🔮, 🎁, 💞, 👭, 💘, 🕛, ⛅ for the Gay/Lesbian ask game please?
Alrighty lol xD
🏀🏐 Do you play any sports?
Uh, not anymore unfortunately. When i was in middle school, i played basketball, volleyball, did cheerleading, and was in running club. In highschool, i did cross country in the fall, and i think that's it lol, since i was mostly obsessed with doing theatre lol. I realy liked building the sets and painting, and being on running crew lol. If i ever decided to join a sport, it would be either soccer or beach volleyball, since those seem the most fun. And good cardio too!
📖 Do you write?
Yeah, occasionally lol. I'm not the greatest writer ever, but i'd like to think i'm proud of the work that I've posted. Mostly just Haikyuu and K Project fics. Here's my AO3:
https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElotheFairy
Eventually i want to write some BSD and She-Ra fics, cause i have some ideas, i'm just pretty lazy when it comes to writing, whoops.
🎸 Are you a musician?
Oh I wishhh. That would be so cool. I used to be able to play the piano, and I'm able to reteach myself the scales and play simple songs if I'm sitting at home, but that's about it lol. I need one of those lil whiteboards that you can stick right above a keyboard so i can just have the scale in front of me and learn cute studio ghibli piano songs lol.
🚗 Can you drive?
Surprisingly, yes. Lol I'm a Midwest American queer, so we gotta either learnt to drive ourselves to the cool places, or date someone who can drive us everywhere xD I'm great driving in my hometown and in my college town, but I still can't drive in super big cities quite yet. That'll have to change soon tho once I move for my apprenticeship!
👤 Favorite LGBT fictional character?
Does Kakashi count xD
I'm sure there are a bunch of good queer characters out there, but deadass, most of the shows I watch, it's merely implied, oof. If we're going with canonly queer, i guess i like Simon from Love, Simon a lot. Oh, and of course, Scorpia from She-Ra lol. I hc her as a nb androg lesbian lol. Oh, and Chloe and Max from Life is Strange, and that one chick from Stranger Things, i guess.
If we're going with just, an implied/possibly coded queerness, I love Oikawa from HQ, i headcanon him as a demiboy who is bi or pan. (I headcanon that most fo the dudes from that anime are bi lmao). Uh, I also love Akutagawa and Odasaku from Bungou Stray dogs. I headcanon that Akutagawa is a trans nb guy, demisexual, and panromantic. I also hc Oda as bi lol. I also love Akagi and Misaki from K project, i hc Misaki as a bi trans guy, lol. And i hc Akagi as cis and bi. For She-Ra, i adore both Bow and Sea Hawk, i think it might be implied that Bow is a trans guy, so i hc him as trans and bi. And for my love, Sea Hawk, i hc him as bigender and bi, who laters gets into a polyamrous relationship with both Bow and Mermista lol. Sorry, I have a lot of implied queer hc's, lol.
📼 80's or 90's?
90's for fashion, hair, and makeup.
80's for great music, cute ppl, and fun design ideas lol.
💄 Do you like makeup?
Uhhh, it's kinda complicated.
I like makeup as a concept of freedom of expression, feminity, a way of transforming yourself into a piece of art, blurring the lines between gender ideals, presentation, makeup for fantasy concepts, etc.
But i also dont't like makeup sometimes because it's def been used as a tool to pressure women into performative feminity, used, as a way to groom young girls, used a sneaky way of breaking down a lot of ppl's self confidence, it encourages highly unrealistic beauty standards (for both women and men), i also hate how motherfucking EXPENSIVE and unsustainable it is.
So as a tool for art, genderfuckery, and self-expression, i love it. But as a msrketing concept mostly driven by male CEOs and years and years of misogny and captialism? Not so much lol. I like wearing makeup for big occasions or for when i feel hyperfeminine some days, but I usually prefer going without it.
🔮 Do you believe in astrology?
Yeah, to a reasonable extent lol. I'm not one of those queer that obsesses over every little detail tho. I'm still def learning about it. I recently lesrned that you can combine astrology, with tarot readings, which can greatly specifiy the readings, for both yourself and other people, so I think i'll try that once I get a tarot deck for my birthday lol.
🎁 Fave holiday?
Well, I could be one of those queers who automatically says Halloween, but the more i think about it, i think i like the fall/halloween season waaayy more. Which makes me think that I actually like Thanksgiving a lot, as just, an American holiday. I don't think we shoukd really celebrate it for it's historical reasons, but i also will never say no to good food, family, friends, and a general warmth and sense of peace during that time of the year :3
💞 Fave thing to do on a first date?
Festivals!!!! I looooovee going to any type of market, festival, etc. with someone. I think it's a great way to explore, start conversations, and learn about someone. Cuz like, the type of art, food, trinkets, and music that draws someone in can you a lot about that person, if you think about it! It's hella cute. And then once you're tired of the crowds, most festivals usually have quiet garden or parks near them that you can escape to for some quiet time and deep conversations, lol.
👭 Do u have a gf? Do you want one?
No, I don't have a girlfriend lol. I have an amazing and very caring boyfriend tho. I have briefly dated women in the past tho. It's been fun, lol. I've always wondered, if i had more past romantic/sexual experiences with women, then maybe i'd possibly identify as a lesbian, but honestly, I'm proud of my journey, and I get very happy when I think about my bigender-ness and bisexuality lol. I don't think I would change that for anything. For whatever reason, i think I just click better with bois and nb ppl rather than with cis girls, i'm not sure why lol. But good for anyone who has a gf right now plz treat her like a kweennnn xD
💘
Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, lol. I used to, back in middle school tho. I def believe in love at second sight, or love at first conversation. Ppl are so damn cute when they talk about things they're passionate about, or even when they just get goofy and rant to you about a crazy story lol.
🕐 How old were you when you realized you weren't straight?
Oh god, lol. I was... *tries to do math* I think 16 or 17? I uhh had accidentally fallen for one of my best friends in high school lol. It turned out okay tho, we're still friends to this day. Thanks for that, friend, I'm so glad i realized that sooner rather than later lol.
⛅ Winter or summer queer?
Oh def, winter, lol. Altho winter depression is real most years, idk, i feel lkke i would rather be anxious and cold, rather than angry and sweating buckets lol. Actually now that I think about it, the summer always makes me a little more moody than winter, cause i always feel like i should doing more, but summer's really a time for waiting and rest, if you think about it. I'm always happier in the winter cause most of the time, i'm slowly moving towards certains goals in my life, and the world just...seems happier and more cozy in the winter season, idk.
Thanks for these asks, dude! I had a lot of fun with them, lol.
Anyone can ask me any of the other q's on the pinned pride game list if you'd like! Happy Pride, BLM!!
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