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blackfemininity · 4 years

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How do we start this journey of self- love and being enough? How do we begin being who we are actually meant to be?

Hello! Growing up, self love had always been something I’d struggled with because of the experiences I internalized during my childhood. I actually started this blog in 2018 when I was 19 to begin to learn and explore what femininity and black womanhood looks like to me outside of false projections and mentalities.

In the past year, however, I took a step back from this blog because I was battling depression and anxiety. I created this blog to help empower the black woman collective but at the time, I felt like I wasn’t in the right headspace to continue being active and creating content. I thoroughly believe in the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” I had to begin a new journey of healing, growth and self discovery. In my time away, I spent a lot of time prioritizing myself and my personal healing. However, it dawned on me that self love and growth is a lifelong journey that deepens with time. By taking the time to refocus within, I am now in a better place to continue this work. I’m not a licensed mental health professional, however, I can share some insights from my own experience.

The first thing I had to do was become self-aware. I sat down with my journal and began stream-of-consciousness writing, which essentially meant that I kept writing whatever was on my mind and heart until I had nothing to say anymore. I made this a daily practice along with meditation and mindfulness. Being so immersed with social media at the time, I felt like I was deeply disconnected from myself. The purpose of these practices were to help me cultivate stillness and better understand my thoughts and emotions. In doing so, I had a better understanding of what aspects of myself I needed to further develop or discard entirely.

A lot of what I had to unpack centered around my overall experience as a young black girl. I found that as I was growing into a young woman, I still had baggage I needed to let go of. I listened to Bag Lady by Erykah Badu often, with the aim of really understanding the lyrics and implementing them. My journey of self love was mainly rooted in letting go. By letting go of my old false self, I was making space for a new, truer version of myself to come into fruition. By “false” self, I mean that who I was in the past was a result of traumatic experiences and wasn’t an accurate portrayal of who I actually am.

During this time, I began to really pay attention to the concept of metamorphosis specifically in butterflies. Caterpillars eventually get to a point in their journey where their current state no longer brings satisfaction. As a result, they take a leap of faith and undergo a period of darkness in a cocoon stage where they transform into a new, evolved being— a butterfly. This motif encouraged me to begin the work of letting go of my old, false self. Journaling was critical for me because it helped me analyze my thoughts, behaviors and habits (caterpillar stage). It also helped me identify the woman I wanted to become (butterfly stage). I knew my starting point and desired destination. So, I had to create and design a plan to help me release the old and evolve into the new (cocoon stage). I wrote down a series of questions about the woman I wanted to be: “What does she look like? What are her habits? What are her beliefs? What kind of mindset (abundance or scarcity) are her actions rooted in?” and more. I juxtaposed those answers with another series of questions about the woman I currently was: “What are my habits and routines? What are my current beliefs? What kind of mindset (abundance or scarcity) are my actions rooted in?” Seeing the answers to those questions side by side gave me clarity on what actions I needed to take moving forward.

In my cocoon stage, I had to uproot all the false beliefs and messages I had about myself and replace them with more positive, loving and kind ones. These daily affirmations became a North Star that pointed me in the direction of who I wanted to become. They became the foundation of an abundance mindset that helped me believe I could evolve. These statements guided me to cultivate positive and healthy habits and investments in my life. Everyday, I made the decision and commitment to face myself and focus on my own evolution. This meant lessening the amount of time I spent on social media and spending more time rooted within, focused on more fulfilling pastimes. If I was on social media, I filled my feed up with positive and encouraging content. I switched my mindset from, “I wish I could have xyz” (scarcity mindset) to “It is possible for me to have xyz, there’s enough for all of us” (abundance mindset). I continued to curate my black women in luxury instagram page to focus on more women who look like me living a life of abundance, positivity, love, joy, peace and opulence. I even filled my room with these pictures to create an inspiring vision for myself—to reinforce a loving, gentle message to myself: that black girls like me deserve better. This underlying belief helped me eradicate and release the old habits and thoughts that weighed me down. Gradually, as I continued to implement these newer and more positive ideas and actions, I began to evolve, from a caterpillar to a butterfly. However, my evolution isn’t over. That’s an exciting aspect about womanhood I recently discovered. We can reinvent ourselves as many times as we like. We aren’t tied down to any outside perspectives. At any moment, we can choose to refocus on ourselves; we can choose who we want to be. I am still growing, changing and evolving. Every day, I am still learning new things about myself and falling deeper in love with myself. I consciously chose to equate the false beliefs, perceptions and experiences I had in the past with dust. I affirmed myself.

To recap, to start this journey, know that there is no destination. Life isn’t linear, it’s cyclical. There are no bounds or limitations to your own self-love. As time goes on, you can evolve as many times as you desire. You can learn new things about yourself, develop your personal autonomy and navigate the things that only you can control. Shift your focus back to yourself. Become self aware and get to know yourself. Invest in a journal. Allow your self-expression to unfold within these pages. Don’t hold yourself back. Try whatever journaling method suits you whether it's stream of consciousness writing, morning pages, scripting or etc. There are many youtube videos on this subject. There’s also a good book on this topic called The New Diary by Tristine Rainer. It’s a little dated but it’s insightful. Also, take time out of your day just for you. Create a daily practice of self care even if it’s just for 10 minutes. The purpose of this is to center and ground yourself. As young adults, we often divide ourselves amongst many obligations: school, work, relationships, social media and etc. Your sacred time is for YOU. This is important because it will help you recalibrate to your own North Star and remember your personal vision for yourself and your life.

Know that these two concepts can coexist: you are enough in this present moment and you have the potential of evolving into whoever you want to become. Love yourself throughout your evolution and extend love to past versions of yourself. At any given moment, you are worthy of love, especially your own.

#asks #self love #personal #self worth

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secondpubertyscene · 3 years

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8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

#personal blog #vent blog #black ftm #black transman #black tpoc #black mental health #personal writing blog #sociology #sociology phd program #covid #grief

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capricores · 4 years

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MERCURY RX / tarot predictions

astrology predictions coming soon! these are meant to apply to your dominant signs, sun, moon & ascendant especially.

twitter for tarot/astro 🤍 tip jar

fixed signs (scorpio, taurus, leo, aquarius)

you guys are feeling ROUGH right now, aren’t you? when i did this reading i kept hearing "why me? will anything good ever happen for me? am i supposed to be sad/suffer forever?" (i don’t often hear things when i do readings but i felt this being yelled into my ear..in the most painfully exasperated voice i have ever heard). a lot of you are going through, or are about to go through, what is called a “tower” moment. if you’re not familiar with tarot, the tower card represents an ending, usually. it can represent sudden chaos, a falling apart, and similar things in the life; internally or externally. but these tower moments tend to bring through new beginnings and important lessons, so please don’t take this with fear. know something better is coming.

you all feel like the entire world is against you in this moment. nothing seems to be going in your favor, you feel like you try so hard with minimal reward that there’s just no point anymore. i’m here to tell you there IS a point; you do have so much purpose in this life and you will do great things. i'm also seeing a lot of you are reliving family/childhood trauma, possibly trying to heal from it or it just won't leave your mind lately. some of you may even currently be having issues with your family & feel very defensive and trapped. isolated and/or disconnected from the people who are supposed to understand.

queen of wands & temperance energy is coming for you during this mercury rx too! you're being divinely guided; and encouraged to pursue creative projects. you're being pushed hard to heal during this rx period, it's really a strong time of reflection for you all. no more pushing people away or unhealthy periods of social isolation. i'm getting youthful energy, excitement, finding joy in the small things again after this tower moment. but it's so vital that you focus on caring for your inner child right now. i'm also being told you need to face your fears, your past, your pain; and heal. you must work through this. you cannot keep repressing your emotions and problems and thoughts and hoping they will just go away; they will not. they must be confronted; fears must be confronted. i specifically pulled “recovery”, “within the next few months” and “helpful people” from my angel answers oracle.

also, i got a few cards and some energy surrounding manipulation. protect your energy this mercury retrograde and make sure you and your energy aren’t being taken for granted or pushed around.

key words for mercury rx, fixed signs: facing fears, significant change/tower moment, care for your inner child, healing & recovery, focus on creativity, work on healing [especially family/childhood-related traumas]; be wary of manipulation.

other oracle messages: “new moon in scorpio: work through your fears, waxing moon: the energy is gaining momentum, north node: step out of your comfort zone, you got the love: boundaries, codependency"

cardinal signs (aries, libra, capricorn, cancer)

your reading got a lot of mixed energy. the first thing that stood out to me, was much like fixed signs, a feeling of defeat. i think you may have, or are about to, go through something (likely something *small*, that feels very big) - possibly a rejection; that feels heavy. it’s left you feeling very upset and kind of “over” everything. i’m hearing right now a lot of you lack focus, energy, drive. you’re giving in to self-sabotaging behaviors, i think in multiple areas of life. the majority of you i believe are sabotaging friendships, relationships and possibly also your career/passions right now. i heard “hey, we gotta get our shit together and stop slacking”.

this reading was FULL of cups; which often represents emotional and relationship related things (in my experience). i’m hearing a lot about broken communication between loved ones, connections being damaged, ties being severed, etc. if you’re cutting connections for good, keep going! but please cardinals be careful of sabotaging your positive, healthy connections during these stressful times. i know you want to isolate and take everything on your own, but you’re being urged to reach out. connecting with others will bring you more comfort than you realize. you need to stop taking the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. there are people out there who want to help you carry these burdens, and opening up and being vulnerable with others is not a weakness, it is a strength. it is a strength that you must learn to master soon.

another big thing for cardinals right now to focus on is finding balance. the energy right now is rough, and it’s okay to take and need breaks. recharge as you need. but again, make sure you aren’t shutting everyone out and blocking your own opportunities for growth and change. you’re coming to the end of a cycle right now, from what i’m gathering. it’s been a tough cycle, but the next one will be easier if you carry forth these lessons you’ve learned.

i did also get some HARDCORE new love energy in this reading, cardinals! it was yelling at me. i think a few of you are about to connect with someone on a deeper level, it seems romantic but it could possibly be a new close friend coming in as well; regardless it will be someone who holds a lot of pure love for you. it seems to be a new person; not someone you already know (or someone who is relatively new in your life still/you aren’t close yet). you’re beginning new cycles in your relationships; for the better; “it’s up to you” and “in the near future” are the timing cards i pulled. i think this is yet another push for cardinals to get out of isolation mode and start reaching out again.

key words for mercury rx, cardinal signs: adjustments, emotional fulfillment, putting yourself out there, new love/connections, facing fears, reaching out, vulnerability, balance

other oracle messages: “new moon: a new start is coming!, third quarter moon: adjustments are required, new moon in scorpio: work through your fears, you’re not alone: isolation, physical connection, community”

mutable signs (gemini, sagittarius, virgo, pisces)

mutables, what happened! this reading was a rough one for you as well. i’m seeing a tower moment has caused a lot of you to go into serious self-reflection mode. you seem to be taking it so well, though. you’re using your resilience to turn these harsh moments as ways to learn, grow and become a better you. and i’m so proud of you for that! you’re not giving yourselves enough credit and praise for the things you’ve accomplished and been through. be careful this self-reflection period does not turn into pushing people away and absolute isolation, however.

i’m also seeing some of you may have recently gone through a very intense heartbreak that’s left you absolutely crushed and defeated in terms of love. you just want to go into hermit mode and be by yourself for a while. that’s okay! take the time to yourself that you need; but again remember above about not going into full isolation for too long. i also want you all to be wary of impulsiveness, recklessness, as well as manipulation (but specifically, manipulation on your end). these words came up a few times in your reading.

i see a lot of you are in a period of immense indecision, it actually seems to be so serious a lot of you are crying over this decision? i’m not sure about what but i’m seeing it’s likely relating to your future (mainly school or career is what i’m getting). some of you might be feeling like your dreams and aspirations have been crushed, you feel very defeated. you have no idea who you are or what you want anymore. you’re starting to doubt yourself and anything you’ve planned for your future. you feel as if nothing in your life is right for you anymore and it’s causing you great amounts of stress. i’m getting the image of someone pacing around in their room anxiously, tons of tabs open about different programs/schools, job options, etc on their laptop while they do so.

i know everything is hard and frustrating right now, but the energy i got for the future/as mercury rx closes was so bright and promising! i heard confidence, determination, personal growth, closing out a cycle. as you go through these difficult periods of self reflection, you’re going to emerge with this newfound leader energy; you’re going to be ready to take on whatever you end up deciding on, and you WILL be successful if you stay strong and keep pushing for what you desire. there is so much passion in your reading, you really are on the brink of a breakthrough in terms of what you want to pursue and what you truly desire. i think most of you already know; you’re just being held back by fear. angel oracle gave the messages of “trust” and opportunity”; trust yourself and have faith in your won decisions. you got this, mutables.

key words for mercury rx, mutable signs: indecision, self-reflection, planning, life purpose, strength, resilience, manipulation, confusion, impulse, significant change/tower moment

other oracle messages: “full moon in sagittarius: look at the bigger picture, full moon in capricorn: the end of a tough cycle approaches, cardinal moon: be bold and make the first move, you got the love: boundaries. codependency”

if this resonated, please let me know! reblogs/likes, likes/retweets on twitter and tips are always so appreciated 🤍

#tarot #lunadoestarot #hope this can resonate with at least one person 😊

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gaynoctgar · 4 years

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Prompto’s Brotherhood Arc is Fatphobic 2, Electric Boogaloo: Haley’s Back and She is Pissed

This essay is going to be an even deeper dive into the fatphobia that permeates Prompto’s character arc, and is going to handle the issue with more grace and nuance than I did the first time. This is also going to explore the effects the arc had on me as a player, and on other players who share my experiences. It is going to be very organized, long, and methodical (word count: ~5300). It’s a bit of a doozy, but it is something I feel it is very important. I have been wanting to elaborate on my previous Prompto essay for a long time, and for reasons I will detail below, I feel that I am ready to do this now.

Consider this a sequel to my earlier essay, and I will be referencing it throughout.

Stand back everyone; Haley’s about to get mean and personal.

Under the cut for safety and length, please avoid if the subject is triggering to you! Take care of yourselves!

Thank you all so, so much for hearing what I have to say.

TW: fatphobia, eating disorders (both in terms of Prompto and of the author)

Intro

All right everyone, buckle in. Last time I think I was a little bit too nice about this. Last time I think I let a little too much go. But I’m a full three years older now and I’ve seen a few more things. And now I think it’s time that I really just let loose and criticize the fuck out of Square for something they have consistently done wrong, and that is the way they have handled issues with weight in regards to one Prompto Argentum.

Many of you may know that Prompto is one of my favorite characters in anything ever. This very sideblog, in fact, used to be named for him (old url was promptoisbi). It’s because of this that I hate that he’s so consistently shit on by the narrative, but right now we are talking about the out-of-universe insidiousness of the fatphobia that completely permeates this story.

The first essay is right here but the TL;DR version of that is essentially “the way that Prompto’s weight loss in Brotherhood is portrayed as a moral and positive good and in fact necessary for him to be a protagonist is immensely fatphobic. Because the game refuses to problematize this, I am going to, and I’m going to contextualize that with my own experiences to help explain why this is so fucked.” At that time, I was recovering from long-term anorexia, and I think that permeated a lot of what I wrote. I don’t regret this, and I still think the essay is pretty solid. But I’m not a woman who won’t admit her own limitations, and one of mine at the time was that a lot of my fatphobia was internalized. Now that I am healing, now that I have talked to other people with experiences that mirror my own (notably @chubbyargentum), I think I am in a better place to articulate what upsets me.

The rest of the essay will be divided into six parts, themed as follows:

A redux of my central criticism in the first essay, that the narrative treats Prompto’s weight loss as a positive, moral good. In fact, it’s necessary for him to be seen as a protagonist.

Detailing that Prompto’s weight loss was directly motivated by another character, and this other character does not apologize to Prompto at all for his previous behavior. We are in fact supposed to believe that him saying what he said was a good thing.

Evidence that Prompto still legitimately has an eating disorder from his trauma. This goes unexamined by the story, and in fact seems to be actively encouraged by other characters, notably Ignis and Noct. This isn’t to bash the characters, but the way they are written.

Points 1 and 3 combined produce a genuinely triggering experience for players like me; this is where I detail some of my own history with weight and eating problems.

Anticipating pushback, I propose two alternative scenarios that avoid the problems outlined in parts 1-4: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight, and one where he does but it’s handled a lot more sensitively.

A personal look at what (and who) actually motivated me to do a Part 2 to my essay.

Followed by a TL;DR conclusion if you want to jump right to the heart of things. I know this is a long essay, and I don’t apologize, but I do want to make it accessible to those who might have a harder time reading something so long.

Time to knock down these points, one by one:

Part 1: Equating Weight Loss to Morality

Prompto’s episode in Brotherhood, “Dogged Runner,” serves as our introduction both to Prompto as a character, and pulls double-duty to show us how he becomes involved in the life of a prince. Gladio and Ignis’ episodes did not have to do this double work because they are in Noct’s life by occupation, but Prompto, being a commoner, needs this introduction. Unfortunately, this episode is not twice as long to handle the double workload it gave itself, and the plot clearly suffers for it. For those who don’t remember, Prompto seems to be a child who more or less raises himself--a shy boy who is in the same grade as Noctis. He is quite obviously overweight, and the episode in fact chooses to focus the bulk of its attention on that rather than how he met Noctis (this will be explored in Part 2, below). This is what I take issue with.

Due to....an encounter, we’ll call it, with his royal classmate, Prompto becomes motivated to “improve himself to become someone worthy of a prince,” as described in Episode Prompto. Right off the bat, this description is implying that in order to be worthy of Noctis’ companionship--even independently of Noctis’ own actions, which will be problematized in the next section--he must be different than the way he is.

This...doesn’t make sense. We already saw that Prompto was a kind and generous soul, if rather shy. He took in “Tiny” of his own accord; he fixed her up and fed her and made sure she was healthy, solely out of the goodness of his heart. What else could this literal child need to “improve” about himself to make friends with Noctis? Well...the episode focuses on this in a way I would almost argue is objectifying. We see in excruciating detail how this literal child (I feel the need to mention again that Prompto is 12 years old and doesn’t seem to have consistent parents) approaches the world with a black-and-white mentality….that is, he seems to focus exclusively on eating salads and running an excessive amount (we’ll get to this more in Part 3). Further objectification occurs when we are shown repeatedly that a minor is taking “progress shots” of himself in his underwear.

A bit of a tangent, but the way that last one is drawn...y’all did remember Prompto was 14/15 at that time, right? Extra H points for Square, right there.

So yeah, once all of this happens, Prompto is finally deemed by the narrative to be acceptable enough to enter the life of a prince. Basically, if you’re fat, get a goddamn eating disorder and you can be a protagonist!

And I’m actually gonna take a second right now to address the more common, and generous, interpretation/criticism I am anticipating. I know what SE was trying to do here. They were trying to show us that Prompto’s “self-esteem” was the problem. That he needed to gain more confidence, and losing the weight didn’t actually solve that problem. I know this is the intent because the hotel scene exists. But...answer me this. Why is losing weight treated as an analogue for Prompto’s internal character growth? Why is losing weight an analogue for literally anything? If the issue was Prompto’s insecurity and shyness, there are a dozen other ways to show that. I can think of one right now: maybe have Noctis try to make friends and Prompto runs away because he gets nervous and tongue-tied and that’s the source of their lingering awkwardness. There you go, much better episode.

Part 2: Noctis is a dick

And I say this as a Noct stan. Y’all know I love him. With all my heart, I do. But...I don’t think he starts the game as a good person, in this respect at least. I do think he becomes one. And I think that his growth and maturation over the course of the game is absolutely a treat to watch.

I’m gonna immediately qualify this by saying I do not think Noct is a dick on purpose. Noctis is, in fact, unfailingly kind in most situations and this is one of his greater strengths. I just think he is just as much a victim of internalized fatphobia as Prompto is, despite not having the experience of being fat. I think two things contribute to this: biases that went unchecked by any of his caretakers, and genuine social difficulty brought about by his upbringing.

But now it’s time to get to….the incident. The reason these two know each other. After Prompto takes care of Pryna, she runs to deliver her letter to Noctis and eventually returns to Luna, as was her original mission. Luna, noticing Prompto’s name on a bandana tied around Pryna’s leg, tasks Gentiana to help her find this kind soul so she can thank him. Luna does, and Prompto receives a letter that soon becomes his prized possession. The princess operated on the assumption that Prompto and Noctis were friends, seeing as Prompto encountered Pryna, and asked that he remain “ever at [Noctis’] side.” Prompto takes these words to heart, and resolves to introduce himself to his royal classmate.

Here’s where the problems begin. We know that Prompto is shy because we have seen him before. He kinda kept to himself, away from the other kids, content to take his pictures. To Square’s credit, I was really expecting Prompto to be a target of bullying because of his weight and he wasn’t….yet. This actually makes his interaction with Noctis a lot worse, however. We all know what happens next: Prompto does try to introduce himself to the loner prince (who, by his own admission later, was also kinda shy), and he happens to trip. Noct goes to help him out because he’s kind at heart, and a confused Prompto thinks that Noctis means that he wants to see the camera. Noct is baffled and says something along the lines of “I meant you, dummy!” and goes to help Prompto up.

Honestly, end the scene here. They become friends because Noct is unexpectedly kind to someone he didn’t even know, and that sticks with Prompto, and they’re childhood best friends. Right? RIGHT?

If Square had had a modicum of decency, yes, this would have been how the scene closed. But then Noct had to open his fucking mouth. When trying to help Prompto up, he remarks that the poor boy is “heavy,” something that quickly and immediately impacts Prompto. Noct, also being 12, seems none the wiser and jovially heads off to meet Ignis. But Prompto? Prompto is….affected by this. He decides then and there that he has to not be heavy anymore if he wants to be Noct’s friend.

“But Haley!” I can hear y’all saying, “Isn’t it Prompto’s fault for internalizing a harmless comment in such a way? Why are you so angry at Noct because Prompto took it too seriously?” Or alternatively “Noctis was also a child, he didn’t mean it!!”

Well, it’s all about how the narrative treats the situation. I mentioned this before in Part 1, but the reason I’m mad at both Noctis and Square is because the narrative treats him as though he is in the right at all times. If the issue really was with Prompto as a character, then we wouldn’t have been shown his journey in such excruciating detail. We wouldn’t have been subjected to the downright harmful avenues he goes down in pursuit of this goal (see Part 3 for elaboration). We would have just seen Prompto trying to work on becoming more outgoing--maybe talking to his neighbors more often, for example.

One small scene in particular gets me here: we do see Noct return to the place where they met and he seems to be baffled by the fact that Prompto will not talk to him. We in fact know this to be the case because in the hotel scene, Noct explicitly says Prompto “should have said something sooner” in terms of starting their friendship. Now, this pisses me off for two reasons:

That this wasn’t addressed in Brotherhood itself. We see that Noct kinda wants to approach Prom again but doesn’t seem to know how. If we are assuming he messed up on accident, this would have been a great time for Ignis to tell him so, maybe motivate Noct to apologize.

That Prompto doesn’t immediately call Noct out for this line, or say something along the lines of “Well you kinda straight up insulted me when we first met.”

So, because neither of these scenarios is the case, I have to assume that Square wants us to think that Noct was correct to insult Prompto, and that him losing the weight is a good thing, in a narrative sense.

Finally, it’s straight up out-of-character for Noct to be this way. Not the misspeaking part, that is perfectly in-character. It’s the fact that this bias of his goes unchecked by Ignis or Gladio, and he is never made to apologize for hurting another person’s feelings. Part of growing up is realizing that sometimes your actions can hurt other people, even if you don’t intend for them to. The fact that the intent wasn’t there doesn’t mean the hurt wasn’t real. Since Square is so convinced that Noct needed to “mature” in this story...I am immensely disappointed that the opportunity wasn’t taken here for him to learn. And even more disappointed because I am pretty sure this is intentional. Every single one of Square’s fat characters is used as a side character or comic relief. In order for Prompto to be a protagonist, he had to lose weight, and to have Noctis--the central protagonist--be the character to directly motivate that is a slap in the face.

Part 3: Don’t Recover, Buddy!/ It’s actually good that you have “obesophobia”

So I know I put the trigger warning at the top of this, but I’m doing it again, because now I’m gonna talk about eating disorders. So this is your last chance to back out if that stuff is legitimately triggering, which I understand.

I’m gonna say it right now: Prompto has anorexia

[several people are typing…. .jpg]

I don’t think this is subtle, and I do think this is intentional, so let me break it down. Prompto exhibits a lot of the symptoms, and yes I am speaking from personal experience. He’s exhibited all of these from the moment Noct made that comment when they were kids, and, notably, only from that point on (hence why I wrote Part 2 the way that I did):

Prompto has an obsession with fixing meals. He’ll be the one that helps Ignis the most often. In Prompto’s case, this is a sign that he loves preparing the food, not so much partaking: classic hiding of symptoms. There is also the fact that most of the salads are his favorite meals, which yes, is a deliberate callback, but I don’t think it’s a good one.

Prompto runs a genuinely stupid amount. I think that exercise is well and good--I’m something of an exercise buff myself--but it’s the way that Prompto does it, to the point of exhaustion, that is a problem.

Despite being borderline underweight, Prompto legitimately still seems to think that he is still fat. This is supported by his reactions to multiple dialogues, which I’ll get to in a second, and the “obesophobia” thing on his character profile which….yeah I shouldn’t even have to explain that one. Prompto is legitimately afraid that he will gain weight--specifically, that he will be fat again.

The fact that according to that same profile, Prompto’s photography habit started when he took progress photos of himself!! So he’s also got some legit body dysmorphia going on.

These are the ones that are most obvious to me, anyway.

“Now okay, Haley,” y’all are furiously typing, “so what that Prompto has anorexia? That’s a relatable character flaw!”

Well….one, no it isn’t. A disorder of any kind is not a character flaw. I’d be willing to let that slide if the following were not also true: other characters seem to reinforce these behaviors of Prompto’s, and I am looking directly at Ignis and Noct. Let’s start with Ignis. I’m sure we have all gotten the random dialogue of

Prompto: All right, let’s hit up the Crow’s Nest! Ignis, for no fucking reason: If you wish to put on weight? Certainly. Prompto, defeated: Yeah, I know…

Every time I get this dialogue I want to yell and also want the option to kick Ignis out of the party. Also the fact that no one steps up on Prompto’s behalf (notably, you know, his goddamn best friend!!) is a bit of an Issue too. Another one involves Ignis, but I have only gotten it once, so I can’t remember it exactly, but Ignis says something to the effect that he can make “whatever [Prompto] wants” for dinner and Prompto says “Yeah, it’s the wanting that’s the problem.” That’s...that’s horrifying and y’all should be concerned for your friend.

To turn my attention back to Noct, objectively the most important person to Prompto, we need go no further than “Why is your face so fat?” in selfies.

This one legitimately made me mad. Prompto panics and retaliates with “What?? I’m not fat!!” (notably, he said “I” and not “my face,” which is a bit of a slip), and Noctis is supposed to be his best friend. I was somewhat okay with Noct being passive in the earlier incidents, because maybe he wanted to spare Prompto the group drama that would ensue, but Noct directly engaging in it actively pissed me off. I also want to say this isn’t me bashing on the characters in the slightest, I am simply calling attention to the way they are written. Because they are not called out by anyone else, because this behavior is treated as acceptable, I have to assume the narrative wants me to agree with them.

The only conclusion I can gather from this is that not only are the bros aware of Prompto’s disorder, but they actively encourage it. Which would only further Prompto’s assumption that they only will love and accept him if he looks a certain way. No wonder the poor kid was so freaked out about his barcode!

Part 4: This shit is triggering to players

The subtitle for this section should be “Haley talks about how deeply “Dogged Runner” affected her in a PTSD kind of way” because that’s what I’m going to be doing. Second trigger warning for eating disorders and weight talk, because that’s what this is gonna be. This also is not going to be nice. I have strong language for Square:

Here’s where I come clean about why this issue matters so fucking much to me, and why I am now freely and openly saying “fuck you” to Square every chance I get. When I first saw Brotherhood, I was at a stage in my life where I was not coping well with my body image. I had my first brush with anorexia in high school, but it was coming back because I was in a new place, and I felt like that was the only thing in my life that I could control. So I had been eating less and falling back into the habit, except...this time I had my support system. So I thought. I went into the anime wanting to learn more about the characters I had come to love, and I walked out of it thoroughly triggered and horrified that Square would stoop to such shoddy, lazy, and harmful storytelling.

I had...a moment, here. I won’t detail the breakdown too much but I was genuinely not okay. To see behaviors that I had ferociously clawed my way out of, and was violently resisting once more, portrayed not only as not unhealthy, but as desirable for people like me...it genuinely felt personal. And, I imagine I wasn’t the only player who felt that way. In fact, because I have talked to other people like me, I know this is the case.

Let me take you on a trip, for a moment. Humor me. Imagine you’re in your early 20s, and you’ve put a lot of ugly, horrible coping methods behind you. Imagine your best friend in the entire world, @nonbinary-recipehs, recommends this game they are playing, and you play it together and start to consume its media. Imagine the horror and dread that settles on the both of you watching this episode, which rings so similarly to the times you passed out from lack of food, from over-exercising, from over-straining yourself to be this idealized version of thinness. Imagine seeing that the outcome of this episode isn’t Prompto getting the support he needs from his friends, but that the narrative legitimizes his suffering. In fact, this brutal suffering and rapid loss of weight was necessary to justify this character’s relevance to the narrative! Imagine how that must make you feel. Maybe those coping methods that were so horrible actually weren’t. It worked for Prompto, maybe it’ll work for you!!

Perhaps that little thought experiment will help you understand what this whole situation can feel like to players like me, to people who have struggled with internalized fatphobia and with eating disorders, who have been called heavy, who have been made to feel as though their worth is in their thinness. Fuck you, Square. Fuck you for not having an ounce of consideration for how this might possibly look. Fuck you for not considering people like me as complete people. Fuck you for making me watch a character I love suffer, not to tragedy, but to an illness that could have been avoided if anyone had shown him even an ounce of respect or care or decency or decorum--

…

I did warn y’all I was angry, this time.

Part 5: Two Alternative Scenarios that would Avoid All This

“So Haley,” you’re saying, somehow having read past the rant in the previous section, “if Square did it so horribly, how would you have done it?”

That, my dear reader, is an excellent question. In fact, I’ve got two solutions, which I will explain and elaborate upon below:

The first is rather simple: Prompto doesn’t actually lose the weight and becomes a canonical fat character. Absolutely nothing else would change about the story or Prompto’s character except for the following:

Noctis would become curious as to why this new friend of his was avoiding him. He then has the opportunity to open up to Ignis or Gladio and reflect on what he said, and realize that he actually hurt Prompto’s feelings. This motivates him to apologize, and the two become Actual Childhood Friends.

Prompto just Has This Body Type Now and nobody says dick about it, that’s just the Way He Looks

You could explore internalized fatphobia I suppose but I don’t actually trust Square to do this sensitively. You know who I do trust? Liam ( @chubbyargentum ), who writes the Nighttime Sunshine AU and fic.

All of the previously mentioned fatphobic comments are completely removed because all the bros love and support him.

Prompto isn’t the comic relief because of his size, he just happens to be both. Yes, there is a difference, and no, I am not going to derail the essay by explaining that.

Prompto would still absolutely kick ass, take names, shoot people, love chocobos...all the shit he does in canon. But now, you have a character who didn’t have to be completely humiliated to get to this point. Now you just...have a guy who happens to be friends with the prince, because he is kind and caring.

But okay, let’s take another approach. Let’s say Prompto does still lose weight. How, then, do we accomplish this without being fatphobic or debasing Prompto’s character like canon did?

That leads me to solution 2: Prompto does lose weight, but it’s incidental. Let me explain what I mean here:

Let’s have a situation in which the apology does still happen as I outlined in the first solution. Childhood friends is a thing.

As such, Prompto becomes...increasingly curious at all the cool training Noct does.

Noct is….embarrassed about this, I think. Because Prompto doesn’t like Understand What It All Means...and they’re still pretty young. Noct doesn’t want him to understand.

But Prompto? He wants to be able to Do Cool Shit, especially if it means defending his best bro who also happens to be the prince. And he doesn’t want Noct to do any of this alone. He asks to train with Noct, no special treatment (except for like the fact that he legit can’t do magic).

Gladio...allows this, begrudgingly. Then, permanently, when he notices Noct tries harder as a result of showing off.

Prompto starts to learn how to take care of himself from Gladio, and from Ignis, who has...gathered that Prompto doesn’t exactly have parents, and becomes invested in helping him learn how to cook healthy meals for himself. Who knows? Maybe the healthy eating will rub off on Noct!

The result is that, over time, Prompto does lose some weight...and starts to bulk up as Puberty Happens. However. This is all incidental. Prompto never set out to lose weight because he hated himself or felt unworthy, like in canon. He set out to become strong and train with his best bro. This is absolutely critical.

With this solution, Prompto does lose weight, but doesn’t become the borderline underweight young man with an eating disorder we all know and love. Instead, he’s been brought up around healthier traditions, which makes him immensely more suited for the role of Crownsguard when that time comes. In fact, he might have entered it at age 18 just like Gladio and Ignis did, despite Noct’s protests. Another thing I like about this solution is that it shows how Prompto is friends with Ignis and Gladio; how those relationships developed independently of Noctis, and why these four really are the family unit the game wants me to think they are.

And with these two solutions, I believe I have laid out some much stronger backstories for our beloved boy that avoid all of the...unfortunate implications of his canon backstory. I only wish that Square had thought about their implications just a little bit more, and done Prompto some true justice.

Part 6: What motivated this essay, and the power of shared experience

This isn’t really a proper conclusion, that’ll be in TL;DR, but I would be remiss to not include what actually motivated me to write this massive essay, and also share it with all of you. The sharing part, I think, is super critical. When you inhabit marginalized identities, and in this case I specifically mean having a fat body, it can be...difficult to share and discuss your experiences. Harder, still, to be public about them, and to criticize media that perpetuates these harmful ideas. But here I am, doing that. Here’s why that is.

About a month ago, I met @chubbyargentum, who is called Liam. I was cruising through the promptis tag, as you do, and found his Nighttime Sunshine AU, and his blog is filled with excellent art for it as well. The premise of this AU, on its face, is very simple: it’s a story where Prompto and Noctis did not actually become friends in high school, and two very important things are different: Prompto is still fat, and Noctis is a closeted trans man. While I can’t speak to the trans experience, I can indeed speak to the experience of inhabiting a fat body. And this AU….spoke to me. I don’t want to spoil too much but there is a rather emotional scene that just...confronts everything I wanted Square to confront about this that they never did. He approaches the topic with so much sensitivity and nuance, something that is so rarely seen in fandom.

I’ve talked with Liam every day since, and my brain has consistently been enlarged. A lot of things I let slide before...felt so egregious to me that I had to say them. I’ve been confronting my own internalized prejudices towards certain kinds of bodies all the time, and I am learning every day. He’s become a very dear friend of mine, and I care deeply about him.

This also came at I guess you could say the “first climax” of my journey with weight loss, which I had never had success with despite the trauma I described in Part 4. I’ve lost...a significant amount of weight since March, and I think the reason I’ve had so much success is 1) the support of my friends (notably @nonbinary-recipehs, @pocket-prompto, and @chubbyargentum), and 2) not feeling like I hated myself anymore. I approached it as a journey to become more strong, not less fat. As I outlined in Part 4...Prompto’s Brotherhood episode and character backstory were and are legitimately triggering to me, and, I imagine, to many others. Liam had the confidence to put the content in the world that he wished to see, and this essay is helping me do the same.

Having other people who share your marginalized experiences and validate them...well, I’m sure many of you know. It’s a feeling like no other. And I’ve never really had this feeling explicitly about the experience of being fat until now. Now, I understand that my anger is in fact, righteous. And I am not afraid to say so. The power of shared experience motivated this essay and, in fact, everything that I do on this blog. I have come away from this AU with the bravery to say aloud what I have always known to be true.

So thank you, Liam. Thank you, big brain group. And thank you, readers, for listening to an experience that may or may not mirror your own, and for opening up your heart enough to hear the roughly 5000 words before this point. Thank you for making the effort to understand, and the effort to learn and grow.

TL;DR

I did promise to provide an easily digestible version of the…(checks word count) ~5000 words before this point, so here we go. The central thesis of this essay is something like “the way Prompto’s weight loss arc was portrayed in Brotherhood is horrendously fatphobic for a number of reasons.” I then broke it down into six major pieces: the first four being the fact that weight loss is treated as moral by the narrative, the uncharacteristically dickish actions of Noctis, the fact that Prompto’s disorder is encouraged by other characters, and the out-of-universe triggering effects the story has. In the fifth piece, I outlined two alternative scenarios: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight at all and remains fat, and one where he does lose weight but healthily so and fleshes out his character. In the final piece, I explained the motivation behind writing this essay, namely interacting with other fat fans like @chubbyargentum. I explained all of these points in great detail, being careful to stress that my issue with this isn’t any of the individual characters, but the bias that motivates the writing.

So...what now? Well, I’m not really sure. But this was something I really had to put into the world. I think it is important and necessary to speak up and criticize media that harms you. And you know what? Final Fantasy XV is still my favorite game. It is because I love it so much that I was motivated to write this, and by sharing it, I hope to contribute to a greater discussion about fatphobia in gaming, and in life.

#final fantasy xv #ffxv #tw fatphobia #tw eating disorders #prompto argentum #please be respectful with this one #i feel like this is an unpopular opinion #but it is incredibly necessary that i say this #because it is something i believe #and because I don't want square to continue to get away with it #thank you for read #haley.exe #haley writes ffxv #haley has opinions #i'm preparing for so much hate

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cutiebeams · 4 years

Text

Hello TWEWY fandom, it's meta time.

TWEWY is filled to the brim with symbolism and hidden meanings, as we all know. Even the partners and their colors when they sync with Neku; I realized, have some depth, and I'm going to articulate my thoughts on it. This is going to be long, so get cozy.

Shiki

Let's start with the first partner we get. Her theme's red, and Neku's is blue. Before we even delve into this analysis, let's unpack the general symbolism of the colors themselves, because that is important as well.

Red: passion, love, anger, energy, courage

Blue: trust, loyalty, wisdom, intelligence, stability

These two colors are essentially on the opposing sides of the color wheel as well; the only shade darker than blue is purple (which is Neku's theme of his attire but that's not important rn stay with me fellas)

Red & blue are portrayed as opposites in a plethora of media and this is no exception: Shiki is the extroversion to Neku's introversion, the pathos to his logos, bubbly and chipper vs his stoic and reserved demeanor. Neku is outwardly hateful (towards other people and his circumstances), and Shiki is inwardly hateful (she hates herself to the point she doesn't think there's anything special about her)

As expected, they clash vehemently at first. Neku is extremely irritated by Shiki's energy and she is frustrated with how aloof and mean he can be. But as they get to know each other, they become like yin and yang; and Shiki's kinder qualities begin to rub off on Neku which he exhibits in the following weeks. Red is often symbolic of love; and Shiki shows a lot of it: she's very friendly and amiable, sympathizing with total strangers and getting along with almost everyone; but she's pretty feisty too- she gets visibly upset when Neku ignores her and makes himself difficult and she's not afraid to call him out (and she DOES, quite a few times). However, she is still overall kind to him, even when he's prickly; trying her best to be patient with him and her gentleness eventually wins him over.. eventually.

When confronted with an issue, Shiki seems to lean towards the emotional aspects of the matter, such as when Ai and Mina were at odds, she hesitated to bring the truth to light because she didn't want to jeopardize their friendship and emotional wellbeing; in contrast to Neku who wanted the truth to be brought to light as soon as possible because he felt that lying was wrong and it needed to be addressed sooner, rather than later, or things would just get worse. Or when 777 couldn't find his tech, Shiki listened to him vent out of sympathy while Neku agreed to help because of the logical results it'd bring-

Shiki is also very outwardly emotional: she's very chirpy but she also isn't afraid to openly express her sorrow, anger, or fear, and sometimes she gets overcome by her emotions. But for the most part, she exhibits high emotional intelligence and understanding of other's feelings; and she's essentially the group's moral support: she's one of the most verbal about being sure that they'll make it back and that they all need to work together. Shiki is also extremely passionate; about other people, about the things she creates, it spills into virtually every aspect of her life.

The sad thing though, is that Shiki seems to love everybody but herself, and we see tiny glimpses of this in her small moments of passiveness (such as telling Neku he doesn't have to shout when he snaps at her) On the flip side, Neku's blunt honesty gives Shiki the inner strength to not only face her self-hatred; but overcome it. And that brings me to Shiki's other color: green. You can see it in her stickers + it's her nickname in Another Day.

Green: nature, rebirth, growth, harmony, healing

I believe that this choice is two-fold: green also symbolizes envy and jealousy and this is something that Shiki's character battles with. She wants to be like Eri- beautiful, smart, charismatic; to the point she even tells Neku that she emulated Eri's personality at first because she was so excited to be in her body. But she then realized that she wasn't Eri, and would never be; nor did she ever want to be. What Shiki truly wanted was to love herself: and that's what her character arc encapsulates; a journey of self-acceptance and self-love.

When we finally get to see real game Shiki, she's wearing green because she's a new person, hence the themes of rebirth and harmony: she's confident and happy in who she is; and so the green changes from the negative connotations of jealousy and envy to the positives of steadiness and self-harmony. There's also healing, for both her and Neku: she helped him to open up emotionally and become gentler, and he helped her accept herself. We don't get to see her face because it doesn't really matter: as Neku himself said, "You'll always be Shiki." It's her character that is important, not her appearance. Green is also red's complementary color, and we see that rather than doing a complete 180 in personality, Shiki just gets a little milder. She's not quite as bubbly, but a lot of her passion is still there, it's just gentler.

In short, Shiki is Neku's opposite. They're like night and day: completely different, but inseparable.

Let's talk about Neku a while now, shall we? His color choice seems contradictory given his personality when we meet him: he is extremely distrusting, volatile and aloof. The thing is though, Neku's arc is also about growth and while he does not exhibit any of the traits of his color scheme at first; during the entirety of the game, he regains himself. Neku's character is about relearning how to trust people and not being afraid to be open and accept different points of view and values- and that diversity is good and healthy! During his first week with Shiki, we get very small glimpses of how emotional Neku actually is, particularly through inner monologue.

When Rhyme is erased, he's distraught (his thoughts tell us he feels awful) but he masks it with blunt logic ("Because we couldn't. That's how it was meant to be"), perhaps to avoid showing vulnerability, even declaring teaming up is a dumb idea- because people get hurt and there are situations where there's nothing you can do about it. Neku's rant when Shiki declares that Beat and Rhyme were their friends takes us right into his psyche:

"Who needs friends?! They just laugh and talk like idiots and pretend to agree with you- so you end up caring about them….exposing yourself...getting HURT..Screw it! We're better off without them! You want other people getting in your way? Dragging you down? I don't!"

And suddenly, Neku's prickliness makes sense- he views attachment as painful and vulnerability as a risk, and so he vehemently avoids them. He's mean because he's hurting and he's sad: and how fitting, as one of the negative connotations for blue is sorrow and grief. Remember how I said Neku didn't exhibit any traits of blue? Well, that was specifically for the positive ones.

Negative symbolism of blue: coldness, aloofness, lack of emotion, unfriendliness, sorrow

And that's Neku to a tee: at first, anyway. While his behavior is not justifiable, it is understandable.

When Shiki snaps at him and tells him that he's inhuman Neku doesn't show any outward response during the actual conflict, but the next day when she apologizes his sprite changes to the "sad turtle" and we get to see his thoughts again:

That I was no better than a Reaper…

Rhyme…

……………

Well...right now…

Neku proceeds to tell Shiki that they need to focus on the mission, and she agrees. While he isn't being especially friendly with her, it's leaps and bounds from his initial open hostility: he's more willing to work with Shiki towards a common goal and one could argue this is when his paradigm shift begins- her comment rattled him a lot, and Neku makes baby steps to change. The daily mission (which involves helping two friends address a misunderstanding) gives us more development for him, too. At this point, he still doesn't think conflicting views and values are a good thing and that relationships only hold him back; and he voices to Shiki that he doesn't see the point of friendships built on falsehoods (which is an excellent point and one that she actually agrees with) and we get to see one of Neku's good qualities: he values truth and honesty a lot.

She asks him if he truly thinks that people are better off without friends, and when he doesn't answer; Shiki talks about how meeting Eri made her want to be her best self (which is how ALL healthy relationships should be, whether platonic or romantic). She mourns Rhyme again, venting that it isn't fair she'll never know what dreams are like and this time, Neku doesn't deflect. He sympathizes, and for the first time since entering the game, allows himself to be emotionally vulnerable:

"I know. I…. I'm sad too. We'll just have to live a little extra. For her sake."

From this point onward, Neku begins to grow positively, slowly but surely. He's not friends with Shiki yet, but he feels safe enough in her company to not only express sorrow but caring enough to encourage her to keep pressing forward; for Rhyme's sake. The next day Shiki is quiet and sad due to being confronted on her self-hatred, and Neku doesn't know how to deal with her lack of cheeriness. But instead of being annoyed with her like before, he's visibly concerned and wondering what's wrong; and he tries to engage with her as much as possible: asking for her viewpoint on the daily mission and what they should do, etc. When he learns the truth about Shiki's identity, Neku just listens patiently and afterwards, his monologue is much more positive and understanding:

All this time..she's been as confused as me.

He now realizes that she's just as scared and upset as he is and he empathizes with that, going even further to say that "I like you the way you are" when Shiki expresses fear in being brought back due to her underlying jealousy: he appreciates her, every aspect of her; not because she's perfect, but just for who she is. Later on when Shiki hesitates to scan Eri and runs away Neku gives her the push to do so: as said earlier, he values the truth, and he knows that Shiki needs to face it if she's going to improve as a person- and we see him beginning to exhibit his wisdom. He's not really gentle, but his honesty is needed. When Shiki begins comparing herself to Eri and self-deprecating, he intervenes, in his own way:

"Oh, would you cut the crap? Who ARE you? You're you. You're not Eri. You'll never be Eri. You'll only ever be you."

Neku reiterates what Shiki told him earlier, about never wanting to be Eri, but he goes a step further. She only went as far as to say she wanted to love herself, but that she never could; while Neku asserts to her that being herself is absolute and unchangeable. Shiki mildly protests this though, saying that Eri is "so much better". To her, while she does value her identity the most, Eri's identity makes her feel inferior. She wants to be her own self, but Eri, in her eyes, is perfect, something that she cannot achieve. And that is why Neku's reply is so important.

"Forget her! You need to live your own life. If she can do it, so can you. All that matters is that you try. You're lucky you're jealous. It gives you something to shoot for. So..shoot."

Up to this point, Shiki has measured the worth of her identity based upon comparison to others, and Neku understands that and tells her upfront that she needs to stop trying to be somebody that she isn't and be confident in her own self, and just do her best- and that'll be enough. He also encourages her to use her jealousy in a productive way, to find her niche; her drive. This gives Shiki the courage to go back and listen to what Eri has to say, and in doing this she hears her friend praise her positive traits, ones that Shiki herself most likely never even realized: her empathy and love for people, her eye for detail, her skill in creating things, her passion and motivation-

ALL things, that according to Eri, "I don't have." And Shiki finally understands that Eri saw her as her equal and that who she is, is valued. Of course, a few positive reinforcements is not enough to do a 180 from most likely years of self-hatred, and so she asks Neku again if she's okay the way she is; and his reply shows yet more growth:

"Hey, Shibuya's got room for all types."

This is a STARK contrast to his dialogue when we first meet him- "All the world needs is me," "You have your values, and I have mine," etc. Neku valued his identity, but he took it to the extreme in that he ONLY valued his identity, values, and morals. After meeting Shiki though, his viewpoint changes a bit and at this point Neku now appreciates diversity- he's still not at the point that he feels he can understand other people, but he at least doesn't see conflict of morals as a bad thing anymore. And in turn, this gives Shiki the inner strength to want to go back to the RG and start afresh. He gives her one last push to go back when she hesitates since she was the only one granted a second chance, with the promise to see her again; and in just a week, Shiki goes from being the biggest pain in Neku's side to his biggest motivation for surviving the second game and one of his best friends.

Joshua

Another week, another partner.

What's interesting about Joshua is that he is also blue, just a lighter shade. While Shiki is Neku's opposite, Joshua is more akin to his shadow- a mirror, of sorts.

Light Blue: peace, serenity, ethereal, spiritual, infinity

Josh and Neku are extremely similar, but their personalities still converge at enough points that they're starkly different: their tempers especially are a separating point as Neku is much snappier than Joshua (especially if provoked), and despite Josh being represented by a lighter color, in a lot of ways, he symbolizes his partner's negative traits in even more extreme ways in a subversion to expectations; a "darker" version of him, in a sense.

When they first meet, these two also clash, but for entirely different reasons. Joshua's attitude, as well as his dodginess, pisses Neku off immensely. While his first week with Shiki is about relearning how to build trust, his second week is a test of said trust by giving him a partner very similar to his former self: distant, aloof, uncaring. It gets especially tricky when Neku scans Joshua and sees himself dead, and he begins to distance himself again; deciding that there is no way that he can trust him- and not only that, but that it'd be ridiculous to do so. Neku senses something is off: he doesn't know what it is, but it unsettles him enough that he is steadfast in his decision to keep Josh at arm's length.

...Until he and Josh visit Mr. Hanekoma, and upon learning that his teammate and Mr. H are acquainted, Neku decides that perhaps Joshua isn't as bad as he initially thought: but he's still pretty hesitant; and understandably so. Mr. H gives him some backstory of his partner, and his motives start to come to light - turns out, Joshua has been able to see the game while living, and that alienated him from other people since Hanekoma was the only one he could confide in. Just like with Neku, this doesn't justify his behavior, but it does make it understandable: Josh pushes away people by playfully antagonizing them and making himself difficult, and Neku pushes them away through hostility.

When he and Josh visit Udagawa, they connect on both not doing well in groups and Joshua comments that they're more alike than he thought, which leads into a conversation about people not being able to understand each other as long as they have their own worlds and Neku begins to backslide a little:

"Right? They're them, and I'm me. Talking to them gets me nothing."

He goes on to say he respects CAT and their philosophy about doing your own thing and how he needs to just enjoy his life and forget about others, and Josh agrees. While Shiki is Neku's friend, she is the exception, not the norm, and Neku still doesn't trust most people. However, when Josh expresses not needing other people's values, Neku's reply is interesting. He agrees outwardly, but it's hesitant, as if he's unsure of himself.

"Yeah..."

His inner thoughts show us that once again, he is changing.

But...I don't feel that way anymore. Since coming to the UG, reading people's minds- Shibuya's full of people with just as many viewpoints. Mr. H said the world ends with me. To expand my world, I have to learn to look farther- not write off other people's values as inferior.

….Maybe I had it backwards. Maybe I need to open up to really enjoy-

Josh calls him and snaps him out of his thoughts so we don't know what he was going to think next, but Neku has definitely experienced a massive paradigm shift in his way of thinking: he's inwardly questioning himself and acknowledging his wrongs and showing willingness to trust again and is showing a lot more empathy to other people. However, this resolve begins to crack when more holes in his memory get filled. Neku is angry and confused, but most of all, he's hurt and we see it in his reaction when Josh asks if he's okay; because he distances himself again. This situation causes him grow distant once more and he also gets more openly prickly since his trust is shaky. Josh relating to him that he feels he belongs in the UG doesn't help matters, either.

However, a later conversation has him moving forwards again. While acknowledging that people are not meant to see eye to eye, he thinks to himself that perhaps it is better that way. People don't think alike, but they can at least try to understand each other; and he then gets the resolve to actually counter Joshua's argument of solely reading people's thoughts and not talking to them.

"But why? Where's the enjoyment in that? I'd rather broaden my world my own way."

And again, we get a small paradigm shift of Neku feeling comfortable enough to express the positive changes that he has slowly been experiencing: blue symbolizes stability, and by this point in the story he is obtaining more and more of it: in his values, in his emotional expression, in how he deals with people, etc. He gets thrown for an immense loop learning that Joshua is alive though, and Neku finally snaps when his teammate brushes it off claiming they're "just like any other pair"-

He's utterly disgusted by Joshua treating the Game as an adrenaline rush- even when Neku first got into the Reaper's Game, he never enjoyed it, even if he initially was only looking out for himself at first; and the idea of getting excitement from toying with death is foreign to him. It only gets worse when Neku accuses Josh that HE killed him, and simply is taunted in return. From that point onward, he becomes openly hostile and snappy again, throwing the idea of trusting his teammate to the wind and tells him upfront that he's only going to tolerate him to survive; leaning back on his negative qualities (because growth is a process and there will be moments of wavering and backwards steps, and that's normal!)

Later on he also shows open distress when a Reaper is attacked and they are unable to save him; declaring they "left him to die." Even though it wasn't any fault of their own, Neku self-blames just like Shiki did in the first week- thinking that he could've done something, maybe if he had gotten there sooner, or defeated the Noise faster. While not 100%, Neku is comfortable enough to openly express sorrow, and Joshua underhandedly sympathizes and takes the blame off him ("We did what we had to do Neku.") He also protects Sota from Noise later down the line even though his partner is already erased and he's going to die anyway and again expresses sadness ("If only we'd gotten here earlier") and even indignation after the older man dies, screaming in anger about all the people who have been erased ("These are people, not toys!!"). When Josh questions him about the interest in others, he then explains that he's gotten to know folks better and that "it's different now".

"They're not just strangers. I can't shut them out like that."

This is really important because in this, Neku is essentially declaring he cannot go back to who he used to be; nor does he WANT to. He refuses to, and he is making a conscious effort to be open to other people even if he doesn't understand them. Neku goes on to assert that one needs to reach out to others as well in counter to Josh asserting that he won't ever be able to understand others and this time, Joshua responds positively. Through Neku's steadfastness and refusal to waver on his viewpoints once he truly feels solid in them, and his courage to express them and not back down; he influences Joshua into thinking that perhaps people truly do need each other and can understand each other, even if it isn't easy to do so. In showing sympathy towards his enemies, he also proves again and again that people can change too, for the better; and his wisdom begins to shine once more. (And it is this change that ultimately leads Joshua to decide to save Shibuya) Unfortunately, Neku is thrown for yet another loop upon getting more of his memory back and thinking that Sho killed him, and Josh sacrificing himself is absolutely world-rocking.

He blames himself again, angry at himself for not opening up; and it is with this mindset that he is thrown into the Reaper's Game for the final time. His trust is in shambles, and the third week is Neku's personal test to see if he is willing to reach out despite being recently wounded by his partner.

Speaking of, Joshua doesn't really have an arc compared to the rest of the cast: rather, he serves as the catalyst to their growth instead. His character is interesting because from beginning to end, he expresses essentially none of the positive attributes of the color he is represented by; he only appears to at first glance. While Josh does change his mind about destroying UG Shibuya and is convinced that people can change for the better, whether he himself changes for the better is up for debate. Orange is the second color associated with him (it's the shade of his cell phone and his stickers), but just like with light blue, he expresses none of its positive traits.

Orange: enthusiasm, happiness, creativity, determination, encouragement

Negative symbolism of orange includes insensitivity, pessimism, and being unsociable, all aspects of Joshua's character. He doesn't think that people can change; and that it is impossible to understand them (he even goes as far to express "I'd rather just get rid of them" in a dark contrast to Neku, who is content to merely ignore people). Josh doesn't like groups of people either, and he exhibits insensitivity many times throughout the second week, merely behaving charismatic in order to interact with others. He doesn't really grow outwardly, but that's not the point of his character; he's Neku's test to see if he's truly changed or not.

Joshua is Neku's shadow, he's in the same vein. Rather than night and day, they are as dusk and midnight.

Beat

Beat is interesting because his color was actually switched for Final Remix: in the original DS version Beat is green, and in the Switch version he is yellow. I'm going to dive into both because I feel they're equally important. I already covered green for Shiki, but green has yet another meaning which describes Beat to a tee- safety. While Shiki is the moral support and mediator, he is the protector: he's extremely sacrificing for his sister and the people he cares about to the point of putting himself in physical danger to keep them safe (such as jumping in front of a car to save Rhyme, or jumping in front of Neku to protect him from a brainwashed Shiki). That much stays constant throughout the game. Healing also applies to him, as he helps Neku to open up and feel safe being emotional again by not being ashamed of being emotional himself: Beat openly cries over Rhyme and Neku mourns with him, and they help each other heal by learning to rely on one another. Not just as partners, but as friends.

Yellow: joy, warmth, positivity, friendship

From the get go, Beat is a huge bundle of energy and he's extremely kind; although he gets rather volatile if he feels slighted. But like with Shiki, he's overall a very sweet person and openly emotional: he gets angry in a heartbeat, laughs heartily when he's happy, and cries freely when he's sad- and his tears are never portrayed in a negative manner either; they're just a normal reaction to a sad situation and this normalization of sorrow leads to Neku getting comfortable again in being vulnerable- one could argue he's the most emotional in Week 3. Yellow is the complementary color to purple, which is also the main shade of Neku's design. Rather than an opposite like Shiki, or a shadow like Joshua, Beat is Neku's foil. He's a lot kinder and he's got a big heart but he is also extremely impulsive and acts w/o thinking. In contrast, Neku thinks things through logically, but he's a little lacking emotionally; and so they balance each other out. He's also highly attune to when Neku starts withdrawing into himself and gently snaps him out of it constantly; showing once again his sensitivity to emotion. (He consistently asks Neku if he's okay when he gets lost in thought; which Neku does a lot, especially if he's upset. Beat keeps him grounded.)

Beat's arc is finding value in himself again + doing his best; not for other people, but for himself and finding his drive. When mourning Rhyme, he vents that "she thought I was worth dying for" and that she had much more to live for, and he doesn't understand why she'd sacrifice for him. (And he blames himself for her death, as well) While Beat is protective out of the kindness of his heart, it also comes from a lack of self-worth: he places other people above himself, to a fault. Neku sympathizes with his grief but then goes a step farther to encourage him to not be regretful. In another contrast to Shiki, rather than another's identity making him feel inferior to the point of emulating them and overshooting, Beat jumps to the other side of the ditch and loses his passion altogether.

Rhyme refused to give up on him, but eventually Beat began to resent her pity and he began to push her away as well. After they both died and came to the Game though, Rhyme's declaration that she had nothing to live for startled him into realizing that she meant a lot more to him than he thought and more than anything else; he wanted to be there for her as she was for him. After beating himself up, Neku comforts Beat in his own way, telling him that he needs to focus on the now and not let his sorrow overcome him, in essence; but also to go the distance just for himself, not for anyone else.

And Beat gets his fire all over again, eventually declaring that Neku isn't his partner anymore- he's a friend, and one that he cares about a lot.

Through his partners, Neku finds himself, they all strengthen different aspects of him. He learns to trust, to be open, to find value in friendship again and him taking off his headphones is the ultimate metaphor of him letting the world back in.

Shiki, his opposite.

Joshua, his shadow.

Beat, his foil.

They all shaped his world, and showed Neku just how wonderful it really is.

And that is beautiful.

#twewy #neku sakuraba #shiki misaki #joshua kiryu #beat #daisukenojo bito #the world ends with you #meta #I have a lot of feelings for this game. It's a masterpiece.

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threewaysdivided · 4 years

Note

I saw your conversation about Sam Manson. I was talking to Imekitty about this, but I’ve noticed a few things that (sort of) make Sam’s relationship with her parents seem more like teen-drama than actual hardship. If you look closely, she’s got a lot in common with them: outspoken political-activism, possible shared-interest in vintage clothes, and no shame in saying they don’t like certain people. Also, after the Fentons, they were the first to volunteer to use the Ecto-Skeleton, risks and all.

(In reference to this post.)

It’s been a little while since I rewatched DP so I’m not well-placed to do a detail-analysis implication-breakdown right now, but yeah - that fits with the overall impression I remember getting. To me they came across as being sort of old fashioned set-in-their-ways conservative and snooty, and maybe a bit too Pleasantville - but more often in the way of parents who do genuinely want good things for her and to be able to be proud of her despite not really understanding her interests, choices or friends and being very bad at expressing it. Plus she seems to have her grandmother fully in her corner a lot of the time.

I really wish that the writers had committed to one or the other; either making it clear that Sam’s martyr/ persecution complex is mostly just regular self-inflicted teen-drama BS and giving her an arc addressing it, OR fleshing out the idea that she faces a lot of judgement/ pressure/ control/ nonacceptance in her home life and that her negative traits are a bi-product of defensive/ coping mechanisms resulting from that strained dynamic, rather treating things with Roger Rabbit Rules.

(Which isn’t to say that a person can’t have similar interests/ personality traits to, and positive interactions with, their parents while still having a strained, broken or even abusive relationship with them on a deeper level, but the show never really goes hard enough in either direction to make it work.)

As mentioned the last post, this is kind of a consistent pattern across DP - the writers tend go with the low-effort first answer for whatever is Funny or Awesome or Convenient in the moment rather than putting in the work to find a solution that’s consistent with the characterisation, themes and world-lore overall. There’s enough internal contradiction in the show that I don’t think it’s actually possible to take every canon detail as canon without fundamentally breaking things. And in some ways that’s kind of cool; it makes the series more open to interpretation, and trying to distinguish authorial intent from authorial incompetence and come up with theories that account for as many pieces of canon as possible is really satisfying. But, you know, it’s also kind of bad writing in general.

I think the thing that bothers me about Sam’s characterisation in particular is that - where it tends to be more obviously out-of-character when it shows up in other places - there’s a pattern to the inconsistency with how the writers handle Sam:

Throughout the series there’s a double standard in how Sam sees herself/ seems to expects others to act, compared to her own behaviour:

Despite being pro-pacifism she’s okay with smacking Tucker and encouraging Danny to destroy the trucks she doesn’t like

Sam values self-expression and is a feminist, but derides other girls for wanting to express themselves in a conventionally feminine way

Sam doesn’t like being forced to conform to others’ values but is okay with forcing others to conform to hers

Despite being anti-consumerist she shows very little discomfort at, or awareness of, her lavish home life and material belongings

She encourages Danny to take the moral high ground towards his bullies but has no problem antagonising and getting into petty verbal spats with Paulina herself

Sam stalks Danny and his love interest out of jealousy/ protectiveness but threatens to end their friendship when he does the same

In Mystery Meat, when Danny tries to express his discomfort/ anxiety, Sam hijacks the conversation to complain about her own parents instead of listening.

In One of a Kind Sam photographs Danny and Tucker hugging in their sleep, without their knowledge, with the stated intent of putting it in the yearbook, then uses it to blackmail them into silence.

Side note: this joke is also tacky on a meta-level because it boils down to “male intimacy ha ha toxic masculinity no homo amiright?“ Would have been nice if show didn’t use low-key sexist humour as much as it did.

Instead of expressing that she’s hurt by Danny’s “pretty girls” comment in Parental Bonding, Sam retaliates by pushing him to ask Paulina out - a move she knows will most likely result in him getting publicly shut down and humiliated.

Then, after getting the result she wanted, she comes over to gloat and insults Paulina, rather than dropping it now that her point’s been made, which is what ultimately sets off the episode’s subplot.

In Memory Blank Sam permanently physically alters Phantom’s appearance to better suit her tastes while he’s not in a position to understand or give informed consent, then lies when Danny notices and asks about it later.

To be clear this definitely isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of her character and it’s not there 100% of the time - there are plenty of moments when she is loyal and generous and helpful and sincerely kind and where her stubbornness comes in handy. But it’s the aggregate pattern of all these small instances that drives a crack through the foundation of her character integrity; producing this insidious undercurrent alternate-reading of Sam as someone who, at a deep level, just doesn’t respect or recognise that the emotional needs, pains, opinions, autonomy and boundaries of others are as real and valid as her own, and who responds to criticism with passive-aggressive hostility.

Again, I think that’s why people are so quick to point out that line from Phantom Planet, even though we all know the episode was a complete mess. None of the examples above are particularly bad in isolation - you can’t really point at any one of them and say “oh no, bad girl” without sounding like you’re making a mountain out of molehill and irrationally hating on her just to hate on her. It’s an uncomfortable slowburn pattern of subtle micro-transgressions that accumulates across the series - a “you might not notice it but your brain did”. And it makes sense that it would be the worst-written episode that amplifies and brings that regular bad-writing undercurrent close enough to the surface for people to consciously recognise and use it to articulate those frustrations.

To wit: Not because it’s most telling of her character but because it’s most telling of the specific bad writing that regularly hurts her character.

And again, from a storytelling point of view, it’s okay for Sam to have flaws. She’s a teenager! She’s learning. She’s allowed to be egocentric and self-important and do things that aren’t the best at times. It’s okay if these are her character weaknesses and a source of conflict with the rest of the cast. But again, for that to be satisfying something really should have come of it. It would have been nice if the writers were willing to have any self-awareness about these flaws being flaws that a person should recognise and grow past in order to have healthy relationships with others. But they didn’t - because it’s easier to keep her as she is - to the point that they’ll actively bend the narrative to roll back or skip over moments that would have necessitated that growth. So, even though they call attention to her flaws, the writers end up rewarding and enabling them instead of letting her learn.

And again, this isn’t meant to hate on Sam. Hanlon’s Razor in full effect: it’s clearly a result of authorial/editorial incompetence rather than deliberate malice. I know this isn’t the intended interpretation.

My preferred reading of Sam Manson is that she’s a Rosa Hubermann/ Hermione Granger/ YJS1 Artemis Crock-type character. Someone who’s passionate and forceful and maybe a bit abrasive and hard to love at a glance, but whose core nature is compassionate and sincerely kind and loyal-to-the-death for the people they value. I wish I could 100% like her without caveats; to be able to say that even if I don’t agree with her flaws I can at least understand that they’re a valid product of the life she lives, that they make her who she is and that she’s trying her best to be a good person who will get better despite them.

But I can’t because the writers don’t give her that. They’re always prioritising other things over the integrity of her character. They don’t give her background enough time and context to make her negative traits feel resonant with it (because that would take time away from the Wicked Cool Radical Ghost-Fighting Superhero Action™) and the framing and plotting doesn’t give her chances to recognise or grow past them (because that would mean character development and those negative traits are an easy source of cheap conflict). The writers just don’t seem to care all that much about Sam - her actual character, who she is, how she came to be that way, what she wants or how her negative traits would actually play against Danny and the others.

And that sucks. Because she has a lot of potential to be a well-rounded and great character. I’ve seen plenty of fics that seize that potential and roll with those gaps and the result is very good. I wish I could like her canon depiction without feeling like I have to actively ignore a bunch of latent behavioural red flags as the price of entry.

She deserved better.

#Danny Phantom #Sam Manson #Character Writing #Character Analysis #I'm also going to cop to the fact that this part of Sam gets to me personally #because it mimics some of my experiences with emotionally abusive relatives #feeling really uneasy and uncomfortable and upset but not being able to articulate what they're doing that makes you feel that way #and wondering if maybe it's your fault and you're just reading into things too much and you're bad for not defending them #until they do something really egregious and suddenly it's like 'oh' 'OH' 'OH SH*T THAT'S NOT OKAY'#And then you look back and see all the little red flags and from then on you can never un-see them #One of the reasons I only like fanon!AmethystOcean is I can see how badly things are likely to go when Danny's flaws meet these problems #Danny's canon flaws are ones that make him particularly susceptible to emotional abuse #and they accidentally wrote canon!Sam with a lot of latent proto-abusive red flags #they both need character development to work as a couple #but this is Danny Phantom and I guess we're chumps from expecting that #anonymous #3WD answers

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raeseddon · 4 years

Text

Why Being The Parent of a Disabled Child isn’t an Identity: A Discussion

( Trigger warning for mention of abusive relationships )

A note to all the parents of disabled or neurodivergent kids, from an Adult disabled child.

For the sake of you, your child, and your relationship with that child: Having a disabled child is not an identity.

[[readmore]]

I know it can feel like it, because it's all media and society focuses on when they see you out and about with your child. Pretty much all protrayals of parents in media who find out they have a disabled child cease to be people-- they are henceforth Parents of a Child With [Insert Disability/Neurodivergence Here.] And it's deceptive because at first, finding supoprt communities of other parents with the same problems feels like Mana From Heaven. But please, watch how other parents in your support communities change as their children grow, especially when the disability/neurodivergence is managed to a point where the child can join "normal" society. If you see a parent panicking, or freaking out in a way that seems over the top, (especially when reports of how the kid is doing are positive) be careful. You might be watching the beginning spiral of a parent who no longer knows how to be anything but a caregiver. And that parent needs help.

Also, if you start to feel the urge to panic, or worry, or start inventing senarios were you are back to being a carer after your Adult disabled child leaves the proverbial roost, find someone, preferably a professional, to speak to. Because the alternative is that you become someone who infantilzes your Adult disabled child in order to hold on to a piece of your identity that--in a perfect world-- would never have rooted itself in you the way it has.

I should say something about my own experiences just so you don't think I'm talking out of my ass-- at six or eight months old my parents noticed I was only reaching for things with one arm. They took me to a neurologist who diagnosed me right-hemipsheratic cerebral palsy. As soon as I was old enough, I was in physical therapy. At five years old, I had my first ever seizure, at which point I was diagnosed with epilepsy, which has a high co-morbidity rate with CP. I came from a pretty traditional middle class (back when there really was a middle class) family where my father worked full time and my mom worked seasonally as a tax-preparer. My mom was the one who took up the bulk of the responsibility as carer, making sure I got to OT/PT, speech therapy, the works. I had no idea how much of her personal identity she put into her role as carer until the marriage disolved and her various issues lead to me spending more and more time with dad, intitially as a survival strategy (emotionally/mentally speaking) and then because I enjoyed his company, even if it meant getting to know him as a person at an age where most kids rely on dads for driving lessons and other... dad stuff. It wasn't always easy, but again, it was a survival strategy first and foremost.

It became apparent very quickly that not only did mom think I was "picking sides" but that she was furious with me because I didn't understand all of her (very real and unfortunatelt necessary) personal sacrifices so that I had the physical quality of life that I did. I was too young and hormonal at the time to realize that she A) should have never have had to make those sacrifices, and B) the blow they dealt to her personal identity would leave lasting and horrific scars on both of us.

Because when society looks at a parent of a child with disabilities, and a disabled child, they don't see two distinct people: they see a Walking Disability, and a Selfless Marytr, who willingly gave up every part of themselves to give that Walking Disability a "chance" at a "normal life."

I've known and talked to a ton of disabled adults and their parents over the years, and there are a few things that run like a universal thread throughout:

Just because a truly loving parent would choose a million times to give their entire life and identity up to care for the child, doesn't mean they want to, or should have to. If I could go back in time and provide my mother with a way to take some of the burden off of herself so that she could continue to grow along with me as a person, I would. Whether it would mean making it so that dad didn't have to work as much so that they could actually split the emotional and physical load, or some other way, I'd do it in a heartbeat. We, as a society need to stop looking at parents who are forced to subvert everything about themselves: their interests, their hobbies, their education, and their growth as a person, so that their disabled children have a fair shot, as aspirational. Parents are people, and they deserve the social support to continue being people, despite also having disabled children.

The inability of parents and carers to divorce themselves from their roles as carers damages the child's self esteem and overall ability to imagine a future of even limited independence. Speaking from both personal experience and having a disabled and neurodivergent friend group who have all admited to similar experiences. I was able to move away from living with my mom at nineteen, almost right after I graduated high school, to living with dad who was much more willing to encourage any form of independence he could. The encouragement wasn't always realistic in some ways, but when it worked, it worked, and I clung to that independence literally as long as a physically could.

If a marriage was rocky or straight up unhealthy before the birth of the disabled child 'staying together for the kid(s)' always makes things worse. There are the one in a few billion times when having the child actually forced the parents to work their shit out, but most of the time, it's a recipie for decades of misery and emotional (and physical) trauma for everyone involved. This is especially true if a degree of independence is acheived by the child that means they can live away from home. Once the child is gone, everything about the marriage/relationship that didn't work comes rushing back--and unfortunately, by then, the parents are so used to being miserable together, that being miserable apart is even more terrifying. As someone who came to realize as an adult that long before my parents divorced, the cracks were there and there were "near misses" it makes me wish they'd divorced when I was much younger. Of course, the reality is that parents who have disabled children are more likely to stay in unhappy at least or absusive at worst relationships because without shared income, caring for the disabled child would be impossible. It's a no-win situation.

Finally, circling back to my first point: Even when abuse isn't present and the marriage is healthy, the most well meaning parent may find themselves infantilizing their Adult child because once that child is gone, they will have lost a major pillar of their identity. There are times this comes close to feeling like a universal experience, it's so common. "Cutting the apron strings" can be scary even when both parents know its for the best, but the problems usually start with making harmless comments about how they'll "always be there" for the child, and if left unchecked the comments could become passive aggressive, and finally downright attempts to guilt the Adult child into staying.

This is why it's so, so important to observe your own behavior, as well as the behavior of other parents in support communities, and keep an eye on the ones who try to inject anxiety into the experiences and milestones that edge your Adult child towards the best degree of independence they can acheive. A lot of the time it'll lead with "Well aren't you worried that [insert bad experience here] will happen?" Which is why it's vital to be able to tell when an anxiety is your own or when it's someone elses. A good way to do this is to just have regular, open communication with your kid. Express your worries, talk them out, and allow your kid to make assurances, even if it's in the form of "I have a friend group/support network that I can go to before I will need to go back to you with a problem." Make it clear in the support communities that these communications are happening with your kid, and if people still try to drag you into worrying that whatever reassurances that have been given "won't be enough"... flag that person as someone who is probably having a problem with the idea of their kid acheiving independence. Every parent starts at a different place when it comes to the idea of a disabled or neurodivergent kid acheiving some form of independence, but there are ways to avoid almost all of the major issues that end up poisoning the relationships between parents and their adult disabled kids.

#disability #disability issues #tw:abuse

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mrtroy · 4 years

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Happy to be Here

This post is about more of my personal journey as a person over the last year. As I sat down to write it, a twinge of thought came into my head about whether write something about myself in the midst of a pandemic.

There are so many things going on in the world with grand significance, and the overarching theme of my upcoming words is: Things are pretty good for me right now…

But, I will continue with these words in the hopes that they can help someone who is still in the wilderness so to speak, and could use some encouragement that things can and probably will improve if you keep pressing onward.

So, here we go.

-- If you’ve read my blog over the years, you’ve heard me talk about some of my struggles with relationships, maturity and personal growth. I usually try to find lessons in what’s happening to me, and I try to put positive spins on things before I stop writing.

Right now, it seems like a lot of the mental work that I’ve done over the last few years is paying off.

I’m in a relationship I love with a girl I love. I am adjusting to the new job I got last year and things are better there than they have ever been. Covid, while awful, has allowed for life to simplify in some ways – less travel, fewer activities – and has allowed me to prioritize family a bit more than in the past. I’m healthy. My loved ones are healthy.

Yesterday was my birthday, and birthdays have a way of making reflection easier. It’s somewhat easy to think about what’s happened in your life since your last birthday.

Meeting Ashley in the last year has been the most significant thing to happen to me – maybe ever. It’s amazing to think about how good things have a way of compounding with other good things to help get us to better places in our lives.

After meeting Ashley last August, I definitely got a big boost of confidence. Here was this caring, successful, grounded, faith-focused, attractive person who enjoyed my company. After two years of unsuccessful attempts at dating, simply having someone like Ashley express interest in me made me feel a lot better about myself. Before we met, things were looking up – I had just recently decided to look for a new job, and the prospects of finding one had me in good spirits. I had also recently lost 40 lbs. and that was also helping to boost my confidence as well.

In the end though, she was definitely the push over the hump in confidence that I needed to finally take a new job. To move into the city. And in some respects, to continue to chase after a lot of the good things I was striving for in my life.

This past year has been the healthiest year of my life from a relationship standpoint, and I’ve spent some time thinking about why I think that is. I always find it helpful to try to understand why something is going well, rather than just figuring it was ‘meant to be,’ or that ‘I deserved it.’

I do think there is a bit of ‘meant to be’ in what Ashley and I have found together, but at the same time, I think I needed to do a lot of work in between my past failed relationships and this one. I think I needed to take responsibility for the outcomes I hoped would come in a relationship and be disciplined to try to make sure I did all I could to ensure that the results came to fruition.

As a younger man, I often lacked confidence when bumps in the road surfaced in my relationships. When those bumps showed up, I assumed the worst. I often was very hard on myself when things didn’t go according to plan and sometimes acted in self-sabotaging ways to confirm that the bumps were real and insurmountable.

Looking back now at many things from the past, I see patterns of self-sabotage that were likely a product of a person with low self-esteem. Rather than working through hardships that are often quite common in relationships, I often intentionally made things worse as a way to confirm to myself that a challenge was too big, or that I wasn’t mentally strong enough to overcome it.

Rereading those words now – and also knowing the pain I caused myself and my former significant others – it makes my heart ache.

The biggest blessing of the failed relationships in my past was the fact that as I met Ashley, I felt good enough about myself as a person at the beginning of our time dating to say, ‘Okay, this time, from the bottom of my heart, I’m going to give this everything I have. When I feel insecure, when I’m scared, when I want to just do something to take something from bad to worse just really confirm how challenging something really is, I’m going to try to remember what I really want to come from our relationship.’

Somehow, in the midst of past struggles, I tended to forget what I was hoping for. What I had been praying for. Did I want to find joy? Or did I want to wallow in pain, sadness, or trial?

I sometimes see people post things on social media with the sentiment, ‘Choose joy.’ And, in some cases it seems a bit hokey. Like, when you have the option to respond to something challenging, or you’re faced with struggle, how do you react?

In a vacuum, it’s easy to say, well, of course I want to choose the more joyful option, or the more joyful solution.

But in reality, that hadn’t been what I had done when faced with challenging circumstances in past relationships.

And so, as I think back on a year with more joy relationship wise than I can ever remember, I can’t help but credit a better attitude towards choosing joy.

Finally this year, I have been able to catch myself in the face of certain challenges before I lose my grip and before I go down the road of self-sabotage or sulking. I haven’t been perfect, and there have still be a few times where I have recognized myself letting certain circumstances get the best of me. But by and large, this has been a good year.

Ashley deserves a lot of credit for helping to create an environment in our relationship that allows for uncertainty and imperfection to be celebrated and not frowned upon. But also, I think a lot of it comes from constantly asking myself, ‘Do you want this to end well? Do you want a favorable outcome? Do you want joy? Or, do you want pain? Do you actually want the negative outcome that you’re mulling over in your head and considering self-sabotaging yourself towards?’

Sometimes life throws tough circumstances at us. Sometimes the natural course of change brings uncertainty. And a lot of those things can’t be mitigated either way.

But for the things that I can control – especially as I try to get a better handle on my emotions – I have found so much strength just in reminding myself that I do want good outcomes. That together, we can figure things out, and I don’t gain anything by meeting tough circumstances with self-sabotaging behavior.

At the root of being able to do that is the reminder that I am loved. That I am enough. That I don’t have to be perfect to enjoy positive outcomes in life. And, that when the positive outcomes don’t come, in the overwhelming majority of cases, things will still be okay. When I fail, my ego or my pride may get hurt, but, that doesn’t have to be the beginning of a roller coaster towards self-loathing or self-sabotage.

I share this today, as we come to the close of one of the better years I’ve ever had, as encouragement. If you’ve struggled in the past with how to respond to challenges, or if you’ve struggled with self-confidence and because of it have not acted how you may have wanted in the face of hardship, it’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect. But, however you feel, and wherever you are in that process, you are enough. You are loved, and you are loveable. The dreams you have in your head aren’t too big. You’re not too flawed to achieve them.

Those are the lies we tell ourselves when we’re scared. Those are the lies we allow to run free when we’re not sure if something is too hard, or whether we have the ability to overcome whatever we’re facing.

Find comfort, my friend. The road may be long, and certain patches may seem dark. But, continue to dream. Continue to envision the positive outcomes you want, and go for them!

My life has been so much better since I started doing this, and I would love it if this approach helped you on your journey as well.

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simpstyle · 4 years

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December Tarotscopes: Your 2020 Starter Kit

Sagittarius- Eight of Swords | Nine of Cups

Freedom is here, my friends. Releasing martyr mentality, and honoring what your soul keeps telling you. Are you seeing possibility and opportunity in a pessimistic way? Feeling like theres no way out? Well there is! Think of ways to level up and honor your inner calling. It seems like you're looking for something new and exciting after what seems like a long plateau. You may be becoming extra bored at work or feeling like you need a change of pace. Pick up a new hobby this month that sparks joy, it's a good time to start planning on what you'd like to create in the near future. Ask for that raise and promotion, and if the answer is no well you know what to do. Find the thing that honors what you bring to the table and what sparks joy. Advice- The shift is in changing your perspective.

Aries- Queen of Cups | Knight of Wands

This month your emotions are put on the pedestal so you realize theres no such thing as "too busy" to acknowledge them. This year you did your best to prove yourself to yourself and others that you can rise up to the occasion and get sh%t done! This emotional well held within you is about to overflow with gratitude and love for everything you've experienced this year. YOu've been tested challenged, only to come out on top every single time. This has been a year of major growth for you in terms of finance, stability, and understanding who you are. This month you're understanding who you are emotionally and other ways to develop and mature spiritually.

Advice- Honor your emotions this month it will be your greatest guide, and it will help you stay focused towards where you're guided to take action.

Taurus- Three of Coins | Four of Swords

Taurus this month you're lead to relax and trust that who and what you want will find you. Opportunities to grow while having fun is on the horizon, who doesn't want that?, You're in a position to meet new people that put you in line to make big coins. The key is to meditate and align to the vibration of what you've worked so hard to manifest. It seems like this year you put lots of thought into what you want for yourself and how to get there, the message from the universe now is to focus on healing blockages within. Advice- Rest and allow opportunities to flow to you.

Gemini - Seven of Cups | Ace of Cups

Everything you're looking for is right in front of you, the answers you seek have always been within you. Be careful with asking too many individuals for their opinions concerning what has always been about you. Asking around, without acknowledging your inner voice has been a vicious cycle that has disempowered you all your life. This month you're connecting to the voice of the inner child that wants and deserves to be heard. This month you’re honoring the needs and wants of that child by any means necessary. You're stopping the vicious cycle with your iron fist. You've opened up the flood gates of inner truth and healing.

Advice- Your truth is always found within. Learn to feel the energy of resonance, let go of what doesn't feel that way.

Cancer- Ace of Cups | The Hermit

This month you're going through a final internal evaluation. Cancer you are usually very self aware especially when it comes to others and how you show up for them in the world. This month ask yourself how have you shown up for yourself? Have you been gentle, encouraging, and a friend to yourself? These questions allow you to see what is in the gap, and why. 2020 will be a different year, a year focused on you! This is called “healthy hermitting”, you're focused on yourself and are using the Sag energy to fuel your inner fire, and put yourself FIRST.

Advice- Internal evaluation will bring peace to your heart, and understanding to your mind.

Leo- Ace of Coins | Queen of Wands

Leo you're realizing your magnetism and realizing your stance in the law of attraction. You're finding joy as you build on your prosperity. It seems the eyes of the World are all over you during this glow up- AS THEY SHOULD! Continue to manifest good karma by being generous, and doing to others as you'd like to be done for you. Someone will repay you with a gig, a job, or be the bridge to influence a new beginning when it comes to finance. Wealth is on the rise, I'm getting jet setter vibes get ready to build an empire all 2020.

Advice- Know your worth, in order to manifest your worth.

Virgo -Knight of Coins | Ten of Swords

Virgo its' important to reevaluate your finances this month. Look over bills, and receipts of the past two months to see where you're over spending and blowing your budget. There is a pattern here for you to look into so it doesn't carry over into the New Year. You may feel stressed, overwhelmed and fall into depression over what you've realized. Understand there is no reason to sulk, this may be your biggest lesson of the year. What will you do now that you're taking matters into your hands and holding yourself accountable for what you've manifested for yourself. Advice- You are not a victim! It's time to take control of your life.

Libra- The Fool | King of Coins

Wow Libra, this might just be your month. The golden opportunities are rushing in except this is not the time to look back. Theres a big bright future ahead filled with abundance and stability. Those two words seem to be important for you, especially as we finish off the year. Your ideas are golden, and the best part is they're flourishing.Keep a journal to hold those ideas and keep them safe for future fine tuning. The King of coins is precise and meticulous so don't go getting ahead of yourself. Make sure you plan things out, and stay present in the moment. People are noticing how grounded and focused you are. So much so they're willing to put their chips on you.

Advice- Trust your gut, know your worth and don't look back.

Scorpio- The Moon RX | Two of Coins

Scorpio you are truly just unafraid. You're willing to dive to the depths of your darkness and pain in order to be comfortable in your truths. Balance will manifest during the full moon when it is illuminated to its fullest potential. I get a sense of gratitude for overcoming some obstacles that showed up last month. Understanding the past has allowed you to recognize the present and how to best prepare for the future. Things are soon falling into place because you did the work, and weren't afraid to let the tides of your ocean guide you to shore. You rode every single wave like a pro, and are ready to take on what 2020 has to offer. Advice- Honor yourself for always doing what it takes no matter how deep and dark it can get.

Capricorn- Eight of Coins | Eight of Cups

Cap! You're here, you've found the missing link that got in the way of seeing the bigger picture. You're leaving people, places, and things behind. There is no more lack mentality, you've declared it and have meant it. Now you're making moves to support your decision. If you're afraid or intimidated by the unknown I have a good feeling your in for a few swift surprises manifesting on your lap. If you've walked away from someone I see reconciliation and progress within the relationship. First envision the life you want and where you're going. Build security and stability within yourself, and focus on what makes you happy. Advice- Let go of what you thought you knew to make space to explore and grow.

Aquarius- 10 of Wands RX | Three of Coins

You are releasing the burdens and pressures you've put on yourself consciously or unconsciously. You're building a stronger foundation for yourself and for the things you want to create in life and the truth is you cant do it all on your own. This month you're manifesting people on the grind like you, who have the same vision as you and are truly willing to put in the work with you. This is an amazing boost to your self esteem and changes how you view collaboration and connection. Advice- You set the tone this time.

Pisces -Seven of Coins | Ace of Swords

Pisces, this month you're finding clarity in being patient. Reevaluating the way you've gone about things before and how to better manage for the future.. Take your time and be patient with yourself as you come to an understanding in this in between. You may want to rush in, and feel super impatient because you aren't seeing the fruits of your labour yet. But trust, it's all coming together on divine timing. Focus on whats in front of you now, and be sure to double check any contracts or dates that may be important. Advice- It's all in the details this month.

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beewishing · 5 years

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new moon manifestation

i use the shadow this eclipse provides to identify and face my fears, my wounds, and my own shadow self. i make healing the primary focus in my life. i step into the happiness and inner peace that i deserve and desire. my life is always changing for the better.

606 i let go of my unneeded negativity. when i face problems, i no longer ask why i have to deal with them. instead i ask: what are they here to teach me? when i see myself, i don’t zero in on my flaws. instead i see myself as a whole person, worthy of love, filled with inherent beauty. when i am hurt, i don’t lash out or ruminate. instead, i find something to help, or i accept that it’s outside of my control. i allow myself to feel and express my emotions, without letting them control or overwhelm me. i let go of my obsessive tendencies and behaviors, i recognize when they are harmful and remove them from my life. i let go of any urge to act or speak passive aggressively. i do not expect others to read my mind or my heart; i understand and accept that if i want people to know what i think and how i feel, i must communicate those things with them. i instead speak my mind and express myself clearly. i let go of negative images and self talk, i accept and cherish my body as it is. i let go of my self-sabotaging tendencies and behaviors. i let go of the urge to hold myself back. i let go of the urge to stay stagnant and unmoving. i let go of my shame. i let go of my abandonment issues. i let go of my insecurities. i let go of all people and situations where i am used, unappreciated, unwanted, or unloved. i let go of all doubt, especially self doubt. i let go of the urge to close myself off. i let go of the urge to protect myself when it isn’t necessary. i let go of unnecessary criticisms, both from myself and others, i do not let them influence my outlook or myself. i let go of my lust for results, i do not rush through things, i do not ignore all the good in the present while yearning for the future. i let go of my need for control. i let go of the urge to allow my emotions to control me. i let go of any fear of the future, fear of moving forward, fear of making change, fear of getting better. i let go of pride that tells me i don’t need help, that i shouldn’t ask for help, that i’m better off on my own, that i’m better if i do things without any help. i let go of outdated or unhelpful coping mechanisms, behaviors, habits, patterns, strategies, and thoughts. i let go of and release the fears created by trauma.

626 - i see things clearly. clarity is a constant part of my life. i do not settle for anything less than i deserve. i do not hold myself back with fear or doubt. i let go of anything that holds me back. i do not shy away from things that are hard, instead i embrace them with the intention of growth and learning. i love, accept, and embrace every single part of myself, even the parts i wish to change. i deal with all issues that crop up in my life, i do not let them fester or grow with inattention, i take care of them as soon as i notice them. i uncover all the hidden problems in my life and begin working to solve them.

838 - my life is unfolding exactly as it should. my intentions and clear and enforced by my efforts. i give my energy only to what i am connected to and meant to do. i communicate clearly, easily, openly, and constantly. i am completely honest with myself and with others. i work myself out of complacency and unnecessary caution. i make changes easily knowing that they are necessary for growth and expansion. i take leaps of faith knowing my faith is not unfounded, and that i will be taken care of. clarity flows through every aspect of my life. i work through difficult conversations mindfully and intentionally. i think before i speak, choose my words carefully, and make sure my meaning is made clear. i do not leave upsets or misunderstandings to fester, i bring them up and discuss them until they are resolved healthily on all sides. i am committed to complete, unembellished truth in all conversations.

846 abundance is an infinite part of my life. i let go of what makes me stuck. i let go of the past. i don’t worry about what’s coming, i allow the future to unfold in alignment. i do not worry about what will or won’t come, i let what is meant to happen come, and what isn’t meant to happen go. the work i do now creates long-term impact. i am setting myself up for success each time i prioritize and take care of my work. i do not confuse my sense of self with the amount that i work. i take pride in the work i do and the impact it has- both on myself and others. the work i do leaves a positive impression on those it comes in contact with. my work comes from a place of love and a desire to help. success is drawn into my life.

858 i invest in my well-being. i freely spend time, energy, and money to meet my needs and ensure every part of me (mind, heart, body, spirit) is taken care of, and i do so without guilt or regret. i know that everything i spend on meeting myself and ensuring my well-being is a necessary and well-spent investment that provides infinite returns. i focus on my health, body mentally and physically. i take the necessary steps and make the necessary changes to ensure that i am healthy and thriving. i know and own my self-worth. i respect and live up to my inherent worth. i encourage and cultivate kindness; in myself, my life, the world and the people around me. i am loving, caring, and kind to myself at all times. i am gentle with myself when needed, and also firm with myself when needed. i am not afraid or unable to give myself tough love when it is necessary. i hold myself accountable. i journal and write regularly, giving myself a creative outlet, a place where i can speak freely and easily without fear of judgement. i express myself constantly, in order to better and fully understand myself. i put my ideas and intentions into words, thereby inviting them into my life. i make my dreams into my reality. i identify and work through my doubts until they no longer are capable of holding me back or keeping me stagnant. i am certain and sure that i will achieve all of my goals and true desires.

99 i treat my body with care and kindness. i find affordable healthy foods that i enjoy making and eating. i find a workout routine that helps me feel, look, and be healthy and amazing. i am comfortable in my body. i love the way i look. i feel good about myself and my body. i present myself in a way that makes me feel good about how i and other people see me. i constantly find clothes that i love, that i can afford, that fit me exactly right, and that look amazing on me. i collect an entire wardrobe of clothes that i love, that look flattering on me, and that make me feel good when wearing them. i don’t hold onto clothes that i don’t like, i sell or donate them.

78 i am comfortable in my home. i create a space that is open and inviting, that makes me feel good just by stepping into it, and makes the people i invite into my home feel just as good, comfortable, and welcome there as i do. i decorate in a way that makes it feel like mine, leaving traces of myself in each space.

933 i know who i am. i know every aspect of myself. i know that my heart is capable of healing from the wounds of my past. i control my own future. i do not mistake my past for myself as a person. i separate the things that happened in my past from my self image. i work to understand and meet each one of my needs. i appreciate every aspect of myself. i am sure of myself and my potential. i develop and cultivate self acceptance. i give myself the love, care, affection, and tenderness that i crave. i allow myself to be vulnerable and trusting. i put myself out there. i speak both my mind and my heart.

944 i trust myself and my creation process. i give myself time to grow and heal, i do not rush my process. i focus on mindfulness and enjoying the process of creation and the passing of time. i enjoy all the little moments, not just the massive shifts and end results. i focus less on what i can get from my creations, and more on what i can give to them.

110 i identify and work towards my life purpose. i focus on my spirituality and all that it means to me. i explore my spirituality, learning more about it and myself in the process. i engage in creative and positive activities that will enhance my life. i am grateful for all the blessings in my life, those i have already received, and those that are still on their way. i am productive. i use my talents, skills, and creativity, to further my productivity. i am not afraid to be different or stand out. i accept and embrace my differences, seeing them as the blessings, gifts, and opportunities that they are.

333 i enjoy all the new possibilities and brand new chapters that usher in connection and love. i open myself and allow myself to listen to the universe. i hear and receive all messages meant for me. i resolve my issues. i connect with my emotions. i work on myself. i make sure i am balanced and centered. i know what i desire and what i deserve. i make every effort to receive what i desire and deserve. i know that what i desire and deserve will always come to me. i step back and give it the time necessary to reach me. i love myself. i attract only those who will love me and treat me with as much care and kindness as i deserve. i am on the right path. things are flowing and moving in my favor. the messages and signs i receive are clear, direct, and evident. i love every aspect of my life. i am overflowing with love. my plans are going well. i am protected along every step of my path and my life. i am persistent. my life will continue to get better and better with time. i continue moving forward and trust that i am safe and protected. (a physical feeling of warmth on my right knee as i write this, like someone resting their hand there, comforting)

954 i create my own reality. i pay attention to my thoughts and dreams. i receive answers and guidance from my thoughts and dreams. i create joyfully.

55 i am in tune with my emotions without letting them rule me. i accept all guidance and support offered. i ask for guidance and support when i need it.

959 i surround myself with people who understand me. i put in the effort necessary to be seen, heard, and truly understood. i open myself up to this understanding.

1010 i speak my truth and express my authentic self. i express my emotions and put my feelings into words in ways that are in harmony with my soul. i support my soul and find inner peace. i listen to my body, notice my feelings, and speak my truth in order to take back my power. i give power to my voice and courageously speak and express my truth. i experience healing moments of revelation. i am aware of my place in and my connection to the universe. i pay attention to and work on strengthening and developing my energetic connections. i use my creation ability to make things better in whatever way i can. i explore and expand my talents and abilities, exploring and expanding myself and the world around me in the process. my prayers and wishes have been heard and are being responded to.

1015 i respark my soul and rebuild my energy.

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sanjuno · 5 years

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SI prompt: Sailor Moon?

(2/32 SI Promptfest)

One of the things that Security always mentions when you start a new job and they hand over your accessbadge is that you need to completely close the doors behind you after passingthrough. A small piece of very important,very good advice that is sadly ignored more often than not once people settleinto their positions. Unfortunately, I failed to realize my coworker’s hubrisuntil the first shots were fired.

‘Oh shit.’ Thethought formed independent of the gibbering panic and pain as the horrificallyloud set of gunshots tore me out of my chair and flung me to the ground. ‘This is a brand new suit.’

I finished bleeding out about three minutes later.

/…/

Standing naked in the void, skin glowing like a star, myshocked mind could only offer up yet another inane thought. “Telling my motherthat I wanted my ashes turned into a diamond and mounted on a sword for my heirto wield as they avenge my death because I only intended to die when I waskilled was supposed to be a joke not aprophecy!”

“Too bad. Find comfort in the fact that your last wishes will be carriedout as you intended.” The human-shaped figure stepping out of theaether was a familiar stranger, their expression both sympathetic and uncaring.

“… Honored Janus.” Was I supposed to bow? Offer a handshake?How exactly were the dead supposed to greet a Roman God of duality and change?“I gotta say you’re not who I wasexpecting to run into roundabout now.”

“Who better than I to meet with one who so accepted the necessity ofchange, of growth and balance? Yours may not have been a grand story, but itwas a true one, and in the telling of it you have encouraged many changes.”The god of beginnings and endings grinned at me with one side of his face andfrowned with the other. No wonder the sculptors always put two faces on hisstatues. I would not want to be thecarver responsible for recreating that expression. Complicated was a bit of anunderstatement. “I find this useful for my purpose. Enjoy your new beginning, child ofthe Eclipse, Warrior of Dawn and Dusk.”

“… Eh?” I was the mostconfused. Was there supposed to be an explanation somewhere in there? “Wait,what the heeeee-olyshitwhatthefuck!”

Glitter. Glitter everywhere.Mixed with glowing bubbles and fireworks and no, really, what the fuck?

/…/

So.

Reincarnation was a thing. That actually happened to people.To me, specifically, in this case. If anyone was wondering.

It took awhile for my memories to come back, after I wasreborn. Which was actually a good thing because I needed those first few yearsto absorb a new first language. The confusion generated when I was six and myEnglish resurfaced was only funny in retrospect. At the time it was justfrustrating and slightly embarrassing.

Although once the initial assimilation was over with it wasnice to be able to code switch between English and Japanese. Almost like aconsolation prize for my new lease on life. Whee.

Oh, also I was a boy now. My eyes were still grayish-blue,my hair was still a dark ashy blond, but I was also Japanese and male. It wasan interesting mix of old and newfeatures coming together to make ‘me’.

… Probably Janus’ fault, now that I think of it. Good thingI never put any stock in gender or sex. Yay for the unexpected benefits ofbeing Ace-spectrum!

Nah, the gender reassignment was nothing. What reallybothered me was that I was the youngersibling. It was odd and wrong and upset the universal balance of what Iknew to be true. I could handle the educational pressure of being a ‘childgenius’. I could handle the overbearing social reinforcement of gender roles. Icould even handle the loss of everything I had once known and everyone I onceloved. (Granted, I did this by compartmentalizing and being slightlyemotionally stunted, but what works, works.)

I could not handle someone trying to ‘big sister’ me.

Thankfully, my new sister was… a flake. A ditz. A completeand total dunce. I loved her dearly and I would tear out the tongues of anyonewho spoke badly of her, but she had almost no academic intelligence at all.

I had expected it, really. After all, just because I wasreborn was never going to change such a fundamental part of her character. Heremotional and interpersonal intelligence was still off the charts, and hercharisma was frankly ludicrous. I still had a hard time accepting anyone who had proof positive of theirown ignorance not taking steps tocorrect it.

It was not like I wanted perfect grades from her. I justwanted enough effort put in to achieve competence.There was a difference between ‘I cannotdo this’ and ‘I will not do this’.Saying no once you have proved that you cando something is fine, but saying no without even trying sticks in my craw something fierce.

Knowing that a failed test paper plays a big part in Fate’sfuture machinations for my sister was also upsetting. Would pushing my sisterto study ruin the future? Would she still meet the people she needed to, stillmake the connections that allowed her to survive and win, even after all mymeddling?

I had no way of knowing. I could only trust that her Destinywould come for her. No matter what I did, or how many random first encounters Ineeded to contrive to bring it about.

“Shingo! Are you ready to go yet?” A voice I had beenfamiliar with long before my reincarnation called for me before my sister pokedher head into my room. “Come on,Shingo! I didn’t melt my brain studying all month just for you to flake out! I earned this shopping trip and youpromised to come with me!”

“Ehh, don’t pull out your hairbuns, Usagi.” Grabbing mysatchel off the back of my desk chair, I grinned at the future Queen of theWorld and winked. “Being this perfect takes work, you know?”

“Shingooo.” The eleven-year-old girl who was going to savethe world rolled her eyes at me and pouted. “Why are you like this?”

“Because not being me would be boring.” I stuck my nose up in the air with as much pomp as I wascapable of in a seven-year-old body. “Now let’s go! If we play this right Mamawill finally cave and get us the bedazzling gun so we can ‘enhance ourcreativity and encourage mental flexibility’.”

“Okay!” Usagi giggled, happily taking my offered hand andswinging our joined arms as we headed down the stairs. “Do you think we canconvince Mama to let me get my ears pierced too?”

“Eh, maybe.” I thought about the refractive properties ofcrystals and energy resonance as I glanced at my sister. The Imperium SilverCrystal, the Shintennou’s stones, Hearts Crystals, Star Seeds… crystals weregame changers in this world. Powerful ones. Tagging Usagi with a set that mostenemies would overlook… yeah. That was a good idea. Good job, self, excellentplan. I nodded. “I want my ears pierced too. We have an undeniable right tofreedom of self expression so long as we do so in a safe and healthy manner.”

Usagi stared blankly at me for a moment, nose scrunched upabove pursed lips. “You know I don’t understand you when you talk like that.”

“As long as you know what the words mean you’ll figure outhow they go together eventually, Bun-bun.” Cheerfully unrepentant, I hauled mysister down the last stair. “Onwards! To victory and glory everlasting!”

/…/

Ignoring the dull throb in my earlobes, I admired the hoopsI had chosen. Simple, elegant, unlikely to fall out unnoticed, and large enoughto hold three gemstone beads. For myself I had convinced my mother to buy blacktourmaline, lepidolite, and lapis lazuli. For Usagi I had picked outlabradorite, selenite, and rose quartz. Not expensive stones, but powerful onesfor the way their energies intersected and channeled power. Especially once Iwas done priming them as foci.

Abalone shell bowls with small, upwards facing mirrors atthe bottom. A little water in the bowls, add some salt, and then four undyedcandles in a circle, burning on the windowsill under the full moon. I watchedthe moonlight slowly gather in the stones, the smoke from the candles pulleddown into the water. Within moments of moonrise, each bead started to glitterand shine more brightly than nature intended.

Satisfied that it was working, I turned back to the blade inmy hand. It had appeared on my bed soon after my memories finished returning.It was ferociously sharp, and lighter in my hand than anything that size andmade of metal should be. The hilt was too big for my seven-year-old self to wieldeffectively, but the sword was perfectly proportioned for my old adult height. Carvedinto the blade was ancient Latin that named the sword VERITAS.

“Beware the truth, for it is a double-edged sword, whichcuts both ways.” I smiled, wiping the blade down to remove the excess oil. Itwas a magical blade, and probably did not need sharpening, but… better safethan brainwashed. “I do love a good pun.”

The milky diamond in the hilt flashed in the light, glowinglike a lantern in my dim bedroom. It was hard to look at the sword sometimes,especially since I knew what it meant. I was magic, the sword was magic, mysister was the fucking Queen of magicfor the entire damn solar system. It was still hard to look at my funeral stone,knowing that the diamond was formedfrom my ashes, and not feel cheated.

Violent deaths always leave something unfinished. I wondersometimes, now that I have experienced that incompleteness for myself, how muchof this resentment the Senshi felt after they knew of their past lives… and ofthe way the Moon Kingdom fell. At least, when the time came, I would be able tohelp Usagi deal with Serenity’s unfinished business.

“Sing, o muse! Of love everlasting!” I saluted the moonsolemnly before I fed the blade and sheathed it, shrinking it down to a pen andtucking it away. “Sing, o muse! As the old tale is told anew!”

Nothing and nobody would be allowed to stand in my way. Mysister was going to get her happy ending this time, and any assholes who triedto interfere with that were getting a death-sword to the face.

#Sanjuno's ficwork #sailor moon fanfic #the sharp knife of a short life #Tsukino Usagi #Tsukino Shingo #si promptfest #si oc #Sanjuno may or may not be a witch #if men find out we can shape shift they'll tell the church #SI!Shingo has attachment issues #pick your battles #pick... pick fewer battles than that #put a few battles back #Shingo no - Shingo YES

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wnq-psychology · 6 years

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How To Build Your Self Esteem

step away from the affirmations

“To be healthy, functioning individuals, we need to feel good about ourselves. To feel good about ourselves, we need to feel that our time and energy is spent meaningfully. Meaning is the fuel of our minds. When you run out of it, everything else stops working.”

Most of us struggle with self esteem. Many of us are fortunate enough to realize this, and some of us care enough to try to fix it.

The problem, however, is with the majority of the resources available to us — especially online. I am pretty sure these articles are 100% written by people who have serious self esteem issues, regurgitated from everyone else who has self esteem issues, on down the cycle to readers with self esteem issues, who think it’s just their fault for not being able to apply them and successfully boost their self esteem.

But of course not. Because none of this is how self esteem works.

First, let’s talk about what self esteem ISN’T:

Self esteem is not selfishness or narcissism

Having to say this makes me impatient, because if people don’t innately “get it,” they fight it blindly, emotionally, tooth and nail. And I understand, because there are a lot of emotions on the line here (see: entire post) so I’m just going to tread lightly and quickly when I say:

Self love and self esteem are not selfishness.

On the contrary, selfish people have desperately low self esteem and self love, which is why they overcompensate, demand, and have nothing left to give others.

Self esteem is not a series of “dont’s”

Most self esteem articles cheerily suggest things like, “Don’t have the negative self talk. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t put yourself down. Don’t doubt yourself,” like “just don’t have low self-esteem!”

These aren’t solutions.

The brain struggles with the word “don’t,” and when you focus on the negative, you’re still focusing on the thing. The brain interprets the sentence as an imperative, like: “ah, okay, negative self talk. Got it!” The brain is baby Groot.

The way we talk to ourself is a reflection of self esteem, not the root. It’s effect, not cause. It helps, of course, but it’s not the core. And fixing the core will fix the way we think and talk about ourselves.

Nature abhors a vacuum. If you don’t have something positive at the ready, the old stuff will just rush back in.

Self esteem does not come from others

It’s not anyone’s job to make you feel good about yourself. It can only come from you.

Some articles suggest that readers should “learn to accept compliments” — several even went so far as to suggest that you approach others and “ask them what they like about you.”

Trying to build self esteem through “others’ compliments” is like trying to learn how to walk by being carried.

Only you control of your self-acceptance and self-love.

Self esteem is not in “self help”

This is just an extension of the above.

Self help reinforces perceptions of inferiority and shame. It plays on insecurities and fabricates solutions that don’t serve real needs. It encourages avoidance.

It’s like how MayoClinic convinces us we’re dying more than it actually, directly remedies health problems. Engaging will eventually make us absorb all these negatives. We are not more powerful than what we give attention.

Self help just replaces one external influence for another. We’re still grasping for some authority figure, some omnipotent voice, to tell us what to do.

This of course includes this very post. Which is ironic, but at least honest and warm-hearted, because I wrote this only after doing tons of similar reading myself, and I write hoping we all resolve this.

Self help will never help

When I was getting my business off the ground, in the 3 dark months of “white noise” after quitting my job but before getting my first customer, isolated and running mostly on “faith” alone, someone asked me, “what kind of music do you listen to during the day?” I told them, “on good days, upbeat music. On bad days, chill music. And I know it’s an ugly day when I resort to motivational videos on YouTube.”

Those videos got me nowhere — except maybe through the day.

You want to know what finally kicked my self esteem back into gear? When I started making sales. Once that happened, I never watched another motivational, “self-help” video.

Self esteem is not about “pampering”

My god, if we could all stop with the “indulgences” and “little day to day pleasures;” if only we could stop thinking “self love” is about “treating ourselves,” or “scheduling time every day for fun and relaxation.”

Heidi Priebe said it best,

“Real self-love isn’t about ‘treating yourself’… because real self-love is less about babying yourself and more about parenting yourself.”

Good parents don’t indulge children with candy each time they cry. Good parents support, teach coping mechanisms, and gently encourage growth.

This is what loving ourselves means as well. It’s not about daily indulgences. It’s identifying and pursuing our longterm values.

Self esteem is not about affirmations

Fuck writing down all your best qualities.

I don’t know who came up with this terrible advice, but it’s pretty much useless. Consider, for a moment, the most genuinely confident person you know — do they sit down every day and write down their best qualities? Maybe they do, but I doubt it.

Confident people don’t do this. And people don’t magically become confident doing it. Only self-doubting people get stuck in this compulsive loop.

Self love is not about affirmations.

As Heidi Priebe wrote,

“Claiming to love yourself and actually doing the hard work of loving yourself are not the same thing… You can repeat a thousand affirmations an hour, write a limitless number of blog posts about how you’re worthy of love and stick millions of post-it notes reminding yourself how awesome you are on every mirror in your house, but that only gets you 10% of the way to self-love.”

Except it’s more like 0%.

The real solution is: agency, awareness, authenticity, and action.

What self esteem IS:

Step 1.) Self esteem is agency

Self love is taking responsibility.

So many terrible articles encourage readers to keep self esteem at the mercy of external forces, prompting them to “think about what is affecting your self-esteem,” and suggesting “your confidence may have been lowered after a difficult experience or series of negative life event, such as: being bullied or abused, losing your job or difficulty finding employment, ongoing stress physical illness, mental health problems, a difficult relationship, separation or divorce.”

No. To this entire list: no.

I’m not saying that bad shit didn’t happen to you — it probably did. Because bad things happens to everyone. But life isn’t about playing the victim, or comparing notes on who suffered most. Life has negatives in the cards for everyone — even the most confident people you know — and the only difference between those with self esteem and those without it is that the first group chose to take responsibility for their lives, their responses, and their actions.

So when it comes to thinking about “what is affecting your self-esteem,” the answer is always “you.”

You are in control of your self esteem. That’s the entire list, beginning to end.

you are in charge. you are in charge. you. are. in. charge.

Step 2.) Self esteem is awareness

This is super important, and we don’t talk about it enough.

Get out of your damn head. Be present.

Stop slipping away. Stop shutting down. Stop freezing and falling silent any time you’re uncomfortable, or unsure, or anxious. Stop reminiscing on the past, or thinking about the future, or wandering around, mentally, anywhere that you actually aren’t.

I wrote pretty openly about struggling with this myself, and the fact that I’m currently working on it, so I speak from a place of empathy and love.

We do this is because we’ve learned that “shutting down” offers security — it’s “easier” if we don’t engage; we think there’s less risk.

But what we give up in exchange every time we do this is moments of our own lives. Which is why, in those brief moments we pull our head out of the sand, we’re filled with panic to realize we don’t like what we’re living. But then most of us respond by seeking reassurance (see “self help,” above — “you can do it!”) or solutions we don’t take, and ultimately shut it back down.

The first step? Awareness of your breathing. Second, awareness of your body in space; what you’re physically feeling. From there, you’ll become more aware of what you’re emotionally feeling as well. Accept these emotions as they come to you.

Wake up. Be aware of what you’re doing and where you are all the time. And most importantly: be aware of what you feel and think about it…

Step 3.) Self esteem is authenticity

It’s knowing what we actually want.

This is probably the hardest part. It’s also really important.

Because “nature abhors a vacuum,” if self esteem isn’t coming from external sources, but us instead, then we have to do the work of identifying what wewant and need — in that vacuum, without regard to others. (Note: just like the “selfish” section, that is not meant to read as “without regard for others.” We should still be considerate. But able to say what we want (or think or feel or need) without having to first ask, “well but what do others want?”)

Self esteem is answering “what do I think?” without first asking “what do others think?” This is harder than people realize, especially because it’s so ingrained.

I was recently thinking about what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day, and initially could not answer this question— did I really want to go to dinner, or did I just like the way that sounded? Did I really want flowers, or did I just hope they’d serve as some security; some certainty that this was special? Did I really even want to do anything? Sometimes we do things we don’t evenreally want, but doing what “sounds good” saves us the risk of regretting having not done something come the morning of the 15th.

(In the end, what I wanted was a cookie from our favorite local bakery. We go together all the time and they put out these seasonal designs that are so adorable I could die. And then, like a good partner, I said in clear words that that’s what I wanted.)

We do this with everything. We pick where to travel, what to buy, and where to eat based on other people — our order at restaurants is influenced by others’, and we eat more in the presence of people we’re trying to impress. We often choose clothing, cars, houses, and hobbies couched in “what others think.” And sadly, we often even choose jobs and partners this way.

Sometimes we’re asked: “What would you do if you could not fail?”

And that’s great, but an equally great question is: “What would you do if you could not tell or be told by anyone?”

Would you get married if you had to go on telling people you weren’t? Would you drive the same car if nobody saw? Would you do the same thing on your weekends if you couldn’t frame it up as “how it retells on Monday morning?” Would you vacation in the same places if nobody knew?

Would you still be doing the same job and have the same partner if you had to tell people you had a totally different job and partner, both of which they deemed “unimpressive?”

What do you want? Not just in the moment, but in the long-run. What areyour values? What is your version of long-term happiness?

If that’s too hard or scary to speculate: start with a chunk of lifestyle now. Not your leisure time, but your actual life. When, for example, are you happiest at work? If your answer has anything to do with others (i.e., “when I get recognition,” “when I get a raise,” “when I win a deal,” or “when I help others,” you need to look again, for answers that serve you.) Maybe you don’t even like your work. That’s for you to explore.

If you’re struggling here and you just want more “help” on “how to do it:” you are missing the point entirely (and probably also missing the alarm bell that should be going off in your head.) This work fundamentally cannot be done by anyone else. This work is you. Do the work.

If you are so far gone that you still feel lost knowing what you want onany level: you skipped self awareness. You’re not paying attention. See “step 2” for further instruction.

Skipping this step is why “just do it!” doesn’t help

Our struggle (and reluctance) to find answers is why “advice” like “just do it!” or “just try things and see what you like” is met with apprehension at best, and disaster at worst. (If you aren’t in touch with what you actually want, and what your happiness feels like, there’s no way of even knowing if you like what you’re trying, and without this skill set, you’ll just keep falling back on “but it sounds cool” or “it’s what people do.”)

You can’t know what you love if you don’t know what love feels like, and you’re so out of touch with your own feelings you don’t know what it is.

We have to actually know who the hell we are, and what we want. Experimenting and taking action is second-grade reading level and we’re still learning letters over here.

Step 4.) Self esteem is action

Only once you understand what you want — what really makes you happy — in the long run.

Action is about making decisions. It’s about committing. It’s about choice and assertiveness and asking for the things we want and need. It’s about taking steps, and thinking, and coming to our conclusions — and then verbalizing them.

It’s also about being aware. It’s about being alert and awake and active in our own lives — not passive, compliant, or submissive.

As Nathaniel Branden wrote in “How to Raise Your Self Esteem,”

“Living consciously means taking responsibility for the awareness appropriate to the action in which we are engaged. This, above all, is the foundation of self confidence and self-respect.”

Or, to be slightly more clear,

“The difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action.”

But knowing what action to take requires knowing what we want, outside of what others want — i.e., authenticity — which requires that we take full responsibility for our lives. Which requires that we dump all of the bad assumptions and models around self love, take agency in-house, and start to build self-fueling fire of our own desire.

About The Author:

Kris Gage

Motorcyclist, Software Manager, Drink-Slinger of the South 🍻

Reach out: http://bit.ly/2CXgcv5

#Self Improvement #Happiness #Love #Relationships #Dating

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theglassishalfsomething · 6 years

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Bing Interviews Darcy: Fixing on the Hour

Hi!!!!!! I’m so excited to do this!!!!!!! (How very Bing of me, :D) These are mostly about Darcy’s feelings for Bing and for Eli. Two of her great loves!

1. What is your favorite Darcy/Bing moment?

TLB: I feel like the most amazing moment in Bing and Darcy’s friendship is when Darcy truly and sincerely apologizes to Bing for taking her away from James. Darcy’s in the middle of traffic, miles away from Bing, but she decides that she just can’t take it anymore and has to come clean. I think it’s important for so many reasons--first, that Darcy has already done a lot of great and meaningful acts of personal development, but there is always room for more, and this her more; second, that she’s terrified that Bing won’t be friends with her anymore but does it anyway; and finally, how Bing reacts. I just let Bing speak through me in that moment and it flowed very naturally. Bing is strong because she chooses to forgive. She chooses to love. And although she sometimes lets people run over her in other settings, she is very staunchly protective of her ability to love and forgive. She won’t let Darcy beat herself up about it and insist that she’s done something irredeemable. Bing is, at heart, a redemption stan! So yeah, that’s my favorite moment for them: one where we see inexorable strength from Bing, and generous humility from Darcy, which is a nice reversal of traits.

2. What do you think is the moment Darcy falls in love with Eli? And I know this is a stupid question because: “I cannot fix upon the hour or the spot or the look or the words that laid the foundation. It was too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew I had begun.” But what is the moment, to you, where Darcy realizes/admits to herself that she’s in love with Eli?

TLB: Listen, Darcy immediately knows he’s hot, and subverts the thought before it’s even been consciously observed. But despite that, Darcy doesn’t really take an interest in him until she sees things about him that contradict her assumptions. In their very first meeting, she seems him take control of his dad, and she feels sorry for him. When he shows up at Netherfield, she’s uncomfortable with the way Cal and Harry treat him, and she notices how soft he is with his brother. But I think the moment that Darcy really, truly falls for Eli in more than just a “crush” sense is when she sees him at the Netherfield Ball--obviously she’s all aflutter about dancing with him but what it comes down to is recognizing that there’s a stubborn nobility about him and the way he takes care of his family. It isn’t to be pitied. And Darcy can’t help but respect that.

So, if all the foundation is there--attraction and respect and longing--why doesn’t she phrase it right at Hunsford? I don’t think it’s love, then. She thinks it is! It’s meant to be love! She wants it to be love! (She doesn’t think she’s capable of love...). C.S. Lewis talked about how, if we end up in heaven, everything about our lives was pointing towards heaven, and if we end up in hell, everything about our lives was pointing towards hell. Sobering, right? But I think it’s the same with love. Darcy was infatuated and bothered and interested in Eli, and she put it all on the line at the infamous “proposal” because “she never does anything by halves.” But love, true love? When did it BECOME that?

I think it became true love when it softened. After the letter, which was not selfish, per se, but still a self-focused act...and yet simultaneously a renunciation of self. After the letter, Darcy sees him again at Pemberley. She isn’t asking anything from him, this time, but she also sees how he’s softened. She watches him be kind to George. All of this is quieter and steadier and therefore more real. “In love” as a heady phrase becomes the word itself: LOVE. It’s love that encourages and allows her to help Eli and his family in the chapters that follow. And that’s why we can’t pin it down to an exact moment. It’s a progression, and it’s all pointing towards a beautiful end.

3. What is the moment, if you had to pin it to a moment, in which Eli falls for Darcy?

TLB: OK, this is a bit simpler, because he was being such a dunderhead, wasn’t he? I mean, he had his moments of attraction but it’s DEFINITELY the moment when he sees her with her hands full of roses at Pemberley. It just IS.

4. What was the hardest Darcy/Eli scene to write?

TLB: Getting the Infamous Proposal + the Letter right were not so much hard as just...high stakes. I really wanted it to be the clouds-bursting, earth-shaking moment that it is in P&P. I got good reviews for that, so--I think I did my job? A scene that I got a higher-than-expected amount of critique for was when Darcy rescues Eli from the fight and then patches him up. I LOVE THAT SCENE. But some of y’all had thoughts!

5. Is there a scene in FOTH that turned out better than you thought?

TLB: I guess the Letter worked for people, as I said. And I was glad, because the Letter is iconic. But for me, I feel that the Pemberley arc is some of my most magnificent work. Let’s see how it handles the rewrite!

6. As you wrote this and as you rewrite it, what surprises you about Darcy and Eli’s love story? About Bing and Darcy’s friendship?

TLB: Since Bing and Darcy’s friendship is in large part inspired by our own, as I get to know YOU better, I get to know THEM better, in ways that are unusual for an author, I think, because I have such a vivid muse :). And so this time around, rewriting, Bing is...she’s a bit spunkier! She has bad moments and bad days and she has great one-liners and she’s not afraid to say what she thinks. I think my first draft of Bing was a bit too sparkly and princess-like...and there’s nothing wrong with that, but she has edges. What’s beautiful--then and now--is how much Darcy and Bing work at their relationship. Friendship isn’t inferior to romance. Everyone always admits that romantic relationships need work. So do friendships! And when that work is done sincerely, it’s a joy. So that’s something that’s been cemented, again. And as for a new observation about Darcy...I’m fleshing out her backstory so much more this time! And that will influence all her relationships.

As for Eli and Darcy’s love story, I guess what surprises me is that they’re almost not compatible...and yet they are! I think that they are simultaneously magnetically drawn to each other but also a match that requires a lot of work. They are absolutely meant to be together but it’s not a relationship everyone might understand. I think, rather than being confusing/off-putting to the audience though, it makes it compelling.

7. I like to think about relationships in terms of emotional heaviness and lightness (because as we know everything is about balance. #reylo) So with Darcy and Eli, who’s the heavy one, who’s the light one? Or does it shift?

TLB: I think that Darcy is the heavy one and Eli is the light one. But the problem is that Eli’s life is really heavy and I think that he actually...has a harder time functioning than Darcy does? Like Darcy’s heaviness makes it hard for her to find personal healing and happiness, but she is very competent at carrying out her responsibilities and just...moving through life. She is very narrowly focused, it’s true, and that’s why she needs Eli’s levity to open up her prospects and hopes. But Eli struggles because he was made for laughter and dreams and adventure, and instead he’s trapped by his reality. And I love him very, very much but he has a LOT of growing to do. Both in balancing his emotions and his experiences with what he wants to become, and also in reclaiming his natural levity in healthy, positive ways. Does that make sense? I hope so!

FYI--Darcy is Kylo and Eli is Rey. It’s law.

8. How do you think Eli will ever fully get over his deep-seated belief that he’s not good enough for Darcy?

TLB: It takes longer than FoTH--which is why I planned and am writing a sequel--but yes. He has to, because that’s what real growth looks like. Saying “I don’t deserve...” is inherently selfish and prideful. That sounds really harsh! Let me explain. If we believe our wrongdoing and our shortcomings are too vast to be forgiven, if we believe we can’t be loved in spite of them, despite how much self-loathing we might couch this in, we are kind...elevating our idea of self over all other realities, aren’t we? And so in that sense, it is a generous gift to allow yourself to be loved. I think over time Eli will discover that allowing Darcy to love him is something that helps Darcy immensely, and will sacrifice his own carefully guarded pains for her good and happiness.

9. Name three songs that describe Darcy/Eli at different stages.

TLB:

1. Old Money by Lana Del Rey is perfect for Darcy at the beginning of the story, and though it isn’t a strictly romantic song, it’s exactly the context I’d want the reader to have a sense for how much she longs but can’t seem to reach him.

2. Changes in the Weather by Barefoot Truth was like...a super-important song that I overheard in a Panera around the time I was writing the Pemberley scenes (random sidenote: I often write “watching” instead of “writing” which is kind of a good instance of parapraxis, because I do sometimes feel like I’m writing down what I see!) and then I used it to give me the exact right mood for their eventual joyful reunion.

3. Dancing with Our Hands Tied by, you guessed it, TAYLOR SWIFT. Obviously this came out a year after I started FoTH and six months after I finished, but I think this is the perfectly beautiful and rather melancholy next chapter of their lives.

10. What does Darcy love best about Bing and vice-versa?

TLB: Darcy loves how safe she feels with Bing. She’s constantly judging herself, but she doesn’t feel judged by Bing. So Bing is one of the few people who is kinder to Darcy than she is to herself.

Bing loves most, I think, that Darcy is DIFFERENT. She’s remarkable and one-of-a-kind and Bing isn’t in the least threatened by everything that makes Darcy so removed from the rest of the world, or the typical ideal of a “woman.”

#bing interviews darcy #fixing on the hour #m&e interviews

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orange-plum · 6 years

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I know I’ve made a lot of personal posts over the past few months about personal growth, dealing with medical problems, and being a more positive person and trying to find purpose in your life. And I def don’t wanna turn into a blog that just talks about that sort of thing, but from what I went through this past year, with relationships and my medical stress and learning about forgiveness and boundaries, I realize how hard it is for people to function through that stuff when they feel alone or have low self-worth. And I find it SUPER important to hit these personal milestones.

So I’ve been binge watching Dr Phil for months, day in and day out. I started using it as background noise for when I draw (because I’m tired of listening to the same playlist over and over). But after watching him so much, I’ve come to respect him a great deal. He hands out prolific life advice, and a lot of his quotes or ideas really helped me wake up and put my foot down. It made me see some things in life I hadn’t thought about.

And so I collected 30 of these quotes, and I want to share a few of them with you guys, in case you’re going through something or need that extra encouragement. Because they’ve helped me more than I could’ve ever imagined.

“One of the ten laws of life: teach people how to treat you.” Put up your boundaries in a relationship from the get go. If they see you bending on them, they will continue to treat you poorly because you allow it.

“10-7-5. Why do you do the things you do and feel the way you feel. It’s defined by 10-7-5. Identify the 10 defining moments in your life, 7 critical choices you’ve made that affected who you became, and the 5 pivotal people in your life.” Once you sit down and think about these things, you have a better understanding of yourself.

“Big boys don’t cry, but men do.”

“People who are successful have a defined image in life. They know who they are.” This one was hard for me, because knowing who you are is tough. Figure it out along the way, but you can’t succeed in life if you don’t have an answer to this question. It’ll come to you.

“Don’t quit while the emotions are raw. Don’t quit while it’s really hurting inside. Work through it. Give your feelings a voice. You’re talking about a relationship that’s meant a lot to you. It’s worth the work. And if you get through that work you just can’t get past it, OK. But know that you’ve done the work.” This one is the most important to me. To be satisfied with an ending relationship, do yourself and them a favor and put the work in at first. Try and see if it’s worth fixing, because if they mean enough to you, you owe it to them to make the effort.

“When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences.”

"One of the big things about immaturity is that those people tend to lack empathy. So there’s no consideration on you.”

“My dad used to tell me, ‘Boy, don’t ever miss a good chance to shut up.’“ If you think you’re going to put your foot in your mouth, stay silent.

“Eighty percent of choices are based on fear. Most people don’t choose what they want; they choose what they think is safe.”

“Don’t wait till you’re in a crisis to come up with a crisis plan.” This one is really important to me because people don’t consciously think about this. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

“At the end of the day, whether or not those people are comfortable with how you’re living your life doesn’t matter. What matters is whether you’re comfortable with it.” We base our lives too much on public opinion or the opinions of friends/family. You’re the only you you have. You’re the one who’s always gonna be there with you at the end of the day. You need to make sure that’s a priority. People come and go, but you need to just live your life how you are comfortable (as long as it’s not hurting anyone).

“Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give to you.”

“Awareness without action is worthless.” I let this dictate a lot of my relationships growing up. That’s why I’m so gung-ho about setting boundaries now. You can be aware there’s problems in a relationship, but if you don’t do anything about it then what’s the point of acknowledging that?

“Everyone faces the challenge of finding meaning to their suffering.” It’s there. If you can’t see it, it will reveal itself down the line. I was torn apart over my medical conditions with my tumor, but only now, over a year later, am I seeing why I had to go through that. I needed that to trigger some personal awareness in myself. To cut out negativity and love myself enough to forgive and set boundaries with people. I never would have reached that epiphany had I not gone through that, nor would I be as close with my family and my friends right now. The tumor was a fuckin’ eye opening blessing and I thank God every day that it happened now.

“It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.”

“Are you doing what you’re doing today because you want to do it, or because it’s what you were doing yesterday?”

“If you want more, you have to require more from yourself.” The thing I gather the most from Dr Phil’s shows is that you need to try and establish your own self worth to be happy. Because without it, I’m not sure it’s obtainable, let alone sustainable. Fuckin’ want more for yourself. Give it to yourself. Try.

“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” People can change, but it takes a hell of a wake up call most of the time.

“Winners simply formed the habit of doing things that losers don’t like to do.” Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. It always comes back to boundaries and looking out for yourself. If it’s a hard decision, it’s meant to be hard. If I’ve learned anything from my experiences, doing the right thing in making changes in your life is super tough, but you can’t avoid doing it forever. Provide the actions with the best outcomes for your success and happiness. Learn some coping tools if you have to along the way to make it easier.

“A lot of people do have tragic childhoods, but you know what? Get over it.” He didn’t say this in an insensitive way, his context was that you can’t justify current behavior based on your childhood experiences. If you need the help to learn how to surpass bad memories, that’s fine. You should seek that out. But from experience, no one wants to attend your pity party, as harsh as that sounds, if you’re excusing away your behavior with it. That is only hurting your relationships with people, and yourself.

“Instead of being ashamed of what you’ve been through, be proud of what you’ve overcome!”

“People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book, be transparent.”

“Change can come in either of two important ways: start behaving positively or stop behaving negatively.” This hit me the hardest. It’s super important to your mindset for what the quality of life you’re going to have. If you recognize you’re allowing negativity to fester, or you’re being too pessimistic all the time, make the decision to make that change. Choose to stop it and practice a better mindset. After a while, you do start to believe it. Fake it till you make it.

“When you allow a person’s words to upset you, you’re giving away your power.”

“You do not HAVE to be angry just because you have the right to be angry.”

“At this very moment, you may be saying to yourself that you have any number of admirable qualities. You are a loyal friend, a caring person, someone who is smart, dependable, fun to be around. That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you, but let me ask you this: are you being any of those things to yourself?”

“My dad used to say, 'You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.”

“ Be your authentic self. Your authentic self is who you are when you have no fear of judgment, or before the world starts pushing you around and telling you who you're supposed to be. Your fictional self is who you are when you have a social mask on to please everyone else. Give yourself permission to be your authentic self.”

“It's so much easier to tell people what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear.” I think this goes hand in hand with the hard choices quote.

“If you need a miracle, be a miracle.”

I sometimes need to look at this list to remind myself of these profound things. Sometimes I’ll sit there and really think about some of this and apply it to my life. I wanted to share some of the quotes that I enjoyed from him that have really helped me these past couple of months.

If any of you needed to hear any of this or take comfort in it, then I’m glad to share it with you guys UuU.

#dr phil #life #important #personal #these are so helpful to people suffering with something thats stressing them out or making them sad #at least for me it helped lift my mood immensely

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