#I keep trying to convince myself there's a POINT to it
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Shuro’s status of nobility has been brought up a few times when discussing his fight with Laios. I’m sure there’s credibility to the argument but the way it’s been used makes me go, “huh??”
I’ve seen his upbringing used in a negative context, usually to flatten his reasons for fighting with Laios. “oh he’s used to people listening to him so he’s never met anyone who doesn’t do exactly what he says” or “he’s never been exposed to anyone new or any new perspectives and that’s why he hated Laios”. I don’t think these opinions are salient in fan spaces but I saw it enough times I wanted to talk about it.
I feel like we just, forgot that Toshiro is a foreigner? The only poc in the party? And never interacted with gnomes, dwarves, and halffoots since they don’t live in the east? (well, the last point depends on how much you’ve seen from the Adventurer’s Bible)
Compared to everyone else, he probably had the MOST exposure to new people and experiences. And yet he was able to, best he can, quickly assimilate and harmonize with everyone in his new party. Regardless of what he thought about them, it seemed everyone else thought he was amicable. As a poc (and East Asian specifically), that’s mission accomplished.
With all that effort into making himself culturally digestible, it’s no wonder he resented/envied Laios. He put in all this effort to learn their status quo, to not offend the new people he’s meeting, only for Laios to not give him the same consideration. Both of them were socially inept in some way, but only one of them felt the need to do something about it. It’s important to note that their fight was a turning point for Laios too - he realize he had to be more aware and present for his team.
So Toshiro didn’t want to say no outright because it might set back the bonds he’s trying to form. Confrontation is hard, confrontation in a new country is harder. He settles for “close enough” because hey, it’s not that big of a deal. Their opinion of me is way more important than obtaining respect for myself. I’m the foreigner. This has the consequence of making him a pushover, but I digress. He seems to identify himself more as a foreigner than nobility.
And that had to do with separating his identity! The identify he has at his house was kept VERY separate from the one he has with Laios and co. He doesn’t want Laios’ party to know that he is nobility. He doesn’t even care that they call him by “first name”, albeit butchered. He never mentioned the retainers to them (since Chilchuck had to ask who they were).
The retainers are people he’d rather keep at a distance due to their connection with his dad. This might be why he joined Laios’ party solo given the opportunity. But as we see in the image below, they followed him into the dungeon ANYWAYS. You can’t convince me he wanted them to do that. They watch from a distance, disregarding Toshiro’s independence. They don’t always listen to him, they do what they think is best for him, which means they actually follow MAIZURU. To her, his status as their young master is very important, and therefore he needs to be waited on hand and foot. It’s not that he’s used to people doing stuff for him, it’s moreso Maizuru does it regardless.
What drives both identities is an inability to assert himself. He don’t think highly of himself (living under his father’s shadow) and it shows in how people treat him. With Laios and others, he had the opportunity to shape a new identity, but because Laios was the one that introduced him, he and everyone else just accepted the misconceptions. I’m sure Toshiro noted his surprisingly strong influence on his team, something he hasn’t achieved.
With his retainers and Maizuru specifically, she doesn’t put faith in his decisions. She tsked at the fact they went to save Falin, but obeyed anyways because he’s never asserted himself before. (Reminder that assertion is him on his knees requesting their help - the hierarchy of his upbringing does not feel ingrained in him. Giving me overly respectful and considerate vibes, the silly guy)
So he CAN do it! He CAN shape how people see him if he is able to open up a bit more. Rather than his nobility, it’s moreso that he’s never trusted anyone to open up to in the first place. He doesn’t fit in back home. He’s distant from Maizuru, he’s distant from Hien. He’s distant from his brothers and parents. He basically never had friends until Laios. This is his first friend too!!!
He finally opened up to him, and that’s going to pave the way for his character development in the future. He now has someone he can trust, someone to put his faith in, and someone to teach him how to communicate better. By airing his resentment, now all that’s left is that envy/admiration. He’s going to learn from that.
Edit: just because I like keeping things together, here’s more discussion about this post :P
#oh my god I did not expect this to be so LONG#hopefully this is the last of my thoughts for a while#I didn’t even touch on other factors affecting his character!!!#thank goodness everyone else has those covered#there’s some great analyses out there#I love when a character’s overarching story is about friendship#and the struggles with the nuance of interacting with people#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#toshiro nakamoto#shuro dungeon meshi#laios touden#shuro
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Angel - Paige bueckers
• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}
• warnings {angst}
• comment if you would like to be added to the taglist
bellas pov
for everyday this week, azzis been over and i haven’t seen jake in a while. hmmm
avery has taken away my weed, and my valium because she says i need to ‘deal with things naturally’ blah blah blah
this week has sucked. especially because avery keeps dragging me to azzis basketball practice, and every practice, paige ignores me. i really need to stop thinking about her.
“its friday, that means you don’t have to go to a practice until monday” avery says, trying to convince me to show up to yet another practice. i don’t even watch basketball, theres literally no point to me being there
“ok, fine”
azzis pov
i know what avery’s doing is wrong. i mean shes cheating on her high school boyfriend with me, but i think im falling for her.
“paige cmon we have practice” i say, shaking paige, attempting to wake her up
“ok, ok, calm down. im up”
“also, avery and bella are coming to practice again”
“bro why” she says, complaining. she doesn’t like bella for some reason, like every time bellas around, she gets annoyed quicker than usual.
“why do you hate bella so much”
“cause she gets to attached” she says.
what.
“what do you mean paige” i say, somewhat yelling
“i mean, we hooked up and she got all mad when i kicked her out, then she blocked me”
“paige are you fucking kidding me” i say, fuming
i cant believe this, the one girl i actually like, of course paige has hooked up with her best friend
“it was before you guys got close” she says, defending her actions
“it doesn’t matter, avery definitely knows. oh my god” i say, getting more and more stressed
“bro it doesn’t matter” she says, getting ready, clearly unfazed by my anxiety heightening
“of course you would do this. why do you have to get with every girl on campus paige, she clearly isn’t like that” i say, yelling
“she was loving it” she says, smirking. why is she not talking this seriously
“your disgusting” i say, slamming the door and walking to practice on my own
azzi
- hey bella, im so sorry about what paige did
- i just yelled at her for you lol
bella
- did she tell you?
azzi
- yeah
- im so sorry
bella
- its ok
- it doesn’t matter
azzi
- does avery know?
bella
- yeah
- its pretty obvious
azzi
- yeah lol
fuck.
bellas pov
i mean, i appreciate azzi’s texts, but she shouldn’t be apologising for her shitty excuse of a best friend
“hey guys” nika says, as we walk into practice
“bella” kk says, spinning me around. i’ve gotten pretty close with kk over the past week, so this isn’t out of the ordinary
im talking to the team, as avery sticks to conversating with azzi, until
“paige” ice and kk say, somewhat screaming
azzi and avery just look at her, blankly
paige comes and stands with myself and the rest of the team, standing next to me
“can we talk” she whispers
“about what” i say, turning to face her. i obviously want to talk to her, but i dont want her to know how bad i want to
“i just need to talk to you”
“ok, fine”
she drags me to the bathroom and i sit on the bench
“azzi knows” she says, leaning close to me
“yeah, she texted me”
she looks at me, blankly
“is that all you wanted to say
“im sorry”
what.
“wait what” i ask, genuinely confused
“i shouldn’t of kicked you out”
im in shock
she continues “i was just horny and desperate, i genuinely do want to get to know you, im sorry”
she wants to get to know me?
“what do you wanna know” i ask, somewhat seductively
she bites her lip
“no”
huh?
“i want to know you, in a friend way”
“oh” i say, jumping down from the bench and walking out of the bathroom
“no bella, not like that” she says, chasing after me
i walk out of the bathroom and towards avery
“im leaving”
“ok tell me later” obviously referring to paige and i in the bathroom
im getting deja vu, walking through the halls, crying. fuck why do i care so much about her
paiges pov
i fucked up. i didn’t mean it like that, i meant that i want to know everything about her, like a friend. but i want to be more. fuck
why would i say that
“avery, whats your dorm number” i say, running up to avery and azzi
“why” she asks, confused
“what did you do” azzi adds
“i fucked up, i think i like her. and i fucked up” i say, shocking myself
they both look at me in shock
“no fucking way” azzi says, covering her mouth in shock
“its 235, be quick, run!” avery says, and i begin to charge out of practice. fuck that. this means more
after basically running through the dorm halls, i begin to hear soft cries. thats her
“bella?” i say
“leave me alone” she says, i run closer to the voice and i see her. standing outside her door
“bella, please talk to me” i say, standing infront of her, towering
“why paige, you just wanna be friends” she says, looking up at me with teary eyes
“please let me in, i need to explain” i beg, and she complies
“sit” she says, coldly
“ive always had a crush on you, ever since your freshman year, i’ve noticed you, more than any other girl. seeing you in the halls genuinely brightens up my day, at the bar. i had finally mustered up enough courage to talk to you and i just found myself falling more and more for you. i kicked you out because i was scared, ive never liked anyone like i have with you, your different. i tried to distract myself but i just cant. im so sorry”
i cant even look at her right now. fuck
“paige-“ she starts
i interrupt “i shouldn’t of done that” i say, and basically run out of her dorm
fuck
#paige bueckers#paige bueckers x reader#uconn wbb#paige bueckers fic#paige bueckers headcannons#paige bueckers smut#uconn huskies#uconn women’s basketball#uconn
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there's something deeply gutting about being a writer right now. watching studio execs brag about starving people like you out of your very house just to not pay you anything above the pennies you currently make. watching some people cheer over AO3 being targeted for a DDOS attack. the complete lack of profitability of writing commissions or writing in general in transformative spaces, especially in contrast to fanart. the pivot of so many social media platforms to be video and image based near-exclusively.
I don't know. it just makes me sad to know that the hobby that kept me alive while growing up homeschooled with dial-up internet and local antenna TV... is only ever gonna be a side job with minimal engagement. I know this site is good about supporting libraries and the concept of books but, do me a favor? Reach out to a writer friend you know. Leave a comment on your last five read stories on your favorite website.
Tell us you care.
#maybe that's why I've been so stalled on my novel#I keep trying to convince myself there's a POINT to it#but I look at how BRUTAL the publishing industry is and how I can't even consistently break ten reblogs on writing I post here#and I just. it hurts. and I have other hobbies I could fall back on!!! I could do art and cosplay and cater to the immediate engagement!!#but writing is my LOVE and my PASSION and I just wish. I wish the current climate CARED about us#TALKED to us the way we talk to cosplayers and artists and the chocolate guy#UGH. Wednesday blues hitting me NASTY today
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god i know that complaining abt fic which most of you haven't read, and which i won't, for politeness' sake, identify in this post, is a great way to come across as both dickish and boring—
but i've been rereading a very long, very satisfyingly plotty series that's a fandom darling and the thing is, when you read like 400k of an author's work at once it really starts to become painfully apparent what their priorities are, by which i mean two things:
holy shit they're obsessed with 'what if strong powerful men who could hurt you didn't (but did hurt Bad Guys) (and it was sexy of them),' which leads into
holy shit they do not appear to have thought through the implications of saying 'i will have my heroes take over the same power structures that have enabled abuse, make no real changes to those structures other than swapping out the leadership, and then claim that everything is wonderful now bc Good Men Are In Charge'??
like. i don't necessarily need every passing fantasy to present me with a coherent, revolutionary system of politics and ethics—sometimes things are just fun and sexy and not especially Examined and that's fine!—but by the time someone's written literally almost half a million words, and done a lot of worldbuilding while they were at it, i am going to start squinting if they seem to think a Good Man can e.g. become an emperor by killing off the leadership of multiple countries and installing puppet kings loyal to him and still remain a Good Man, even if the justification was that the original leadership was maltreating its citizens and deserved to be extrajudicially executed. like. this shit was a bad, autocratic move when the US did it in real life and it's still bad now that you're having our mutual blorbo do it in fiction!
and that's not even getting into the whole thing where like. they've got servants who the Good Man and his friends ""treat well"" but who very much remain second-class citizens in terms of how the story actually frames them and their concerns. [this was also a huge issue i had with foz m*adows' most recent book—everyone wants to write about fantasy nobles but they also want to make them good people and it's like. honestly i think it might be better to get comfortable writing about flawed people, but also—if your aristos aren't treating their servants like equals and your text isn't either, you haven't actually cracked the Moral Aristo paradox, sorry!] like, there's nothing that says your story has to depict a fully Healed World, nor should there be! but it's troubling if you seem to be convinced you've written one (and have your wide-eyed love interests constantly marveling at it!) when you very patently haven't.
#in all honesty—i've framed a lot of this as political/ethical critique‚ and like‚ it IS‚ but also—#i'm just really frustrated because like. the whole 'what if people were shockingly nice to you' thing feels like it SHOULD be better for me#but in actual fact i find myself totally turning up my nose at it and i can't totally work out why#i mean i guess part of it is that this author's Traumatized Love Interests are always really innocent victims#which i can't identify with emotionally because i feel like a piece of shit#so i need a story that's more like 'person who's been told they were a monster for so long they believe it gets convinced they aren't'#'(lovingly and sexily)'#but also i think a lot of it just. isn't subtle enough. like i need to have to put pieces together so i'm implicated in my own catharsis#being constantly told 'wow it's so amazing i'm not being abused by this person who COULD abuse me!! that's so sexy of them!'#is just. not doing it for me. like. 'not abusive' is not actually sexy to me‚ unfortunately. i need some character traits.#and unfortunately the ones this author tosses in for flavor ALSO don't convince me#because they never actually manifest in the story. it's like 'oh this character is so prickly—but never actually offends the LI.'#'oh this other character is so gruff—but the LI understands that about them from day one and doesn't take it personally.'#like. if the hero's 'flaws' don't actually cause any problems—they aren't flaws#anyway. i've definitely complained about this exact series multiple times on here at this point#but that's the thing—it's compelling enough i keep going back to it‚ so i get extra-frustrated by its flaws#whereas like. there's a lot of stuff that's much worse that i've been much less frustrated by#because i never had any particular hopes for it#anyway. thx for yr patience in this fully self-inflicted Trying Time‚ lmao#i guess this can get filed under#bookblogging
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its getting better for me because while i know i dont deserve to be treated like this nor deserve to have to do the work for others, its still keeping me safe
#i submit to keep myself safe#ive gotten to a point in my life where i understand that trying to convince family is just a waste of time#stubborn close-minded mules that get immediately defensive#my first priority is to just keep me safe#if i must sit there and take a yelling session without standing up for myself if it keeps me safe#then i will. i'm learning to pick my fights and to dettach myself from them#the more i detach mentally from them the more im like. not caring about their words#its like yeah yeah if i dont pick up the one blanket on my chair ill be paying for my own insurance that i definitely cant afford by myself#can you have an adult tantrum somewhere else im trying to watch transformers
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I love his big fat ass
#me desperately trying to convince myself that Norton is thick#even tho the devs keep making him scrawny#and introducing new characters that are actually thick#they were ALLL scrawny at one point so i was just like “oh it's just the lalaloopsy tim burton coraline style”#and then they came out with william and charles who are big boys#Anyways nortons the biggest of them all in my heart#at least he has a dumpy#kind of#these pics were all in my idv folder from yrs ago... i need to get more for my collection#since he has new skins now
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No I have not started writing the George/Tristan fic
Yes I am still outlining
#i *think* this version works#just for a stretch i thought about making it multi pov#and that's still intriguing#but it also makes it harder to plot#because tristan obviously knows he's the sin eater so the foreshadowing from george's pov doesn't hit the same#a lot of outlining this is trying to figure out the difference between the ideas i have#and what actually fits to create an arc that makes sense#especially strugglin with 4x11-4x12 because those are important in canon#yet i need a balance between following the s4 plot and deviating from that#it doesn't work to just rewrite because nancy obviously has the lead role in canon#and also it's just not right to do a direct rewrite lol i want this to be my own thing#anywayyyyy#i just need to start because by the time i get that far into the season i will have a better idea of the pacing and what makes sense#but like ughh it would be cool to get scenes with tristan and his parents#but then it makes everything more complicated to manage#particularly keeping it even between the two unless i gave them both a pov in each chapter#but again!!! so complicated#it's easier to just do one#and i'm skipping a lot of s4 plot points#trying to convince myself it's possible to convey tristan's perspective and arc through another's pov#and it is#flythepost
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Someone asked me about commissions earlier, which only happened to me once before by a friend, and I'm freaking out a bit, but more on the panicky side
#i always liked the idea of someone enjoying my art to the point of wanting to commission me#but now i don't feel deserving of it#and drawing for someone else - especially with monetary expectations just makes me so nervous#I'm also not sure i want the connection between money and fandom#but i also keep saying i wish i could have a job in art one day like a fucking clown#heLP#i hate that whenever i receive a compliment (in a roundabout way or not) my brain tries to convince me that everyone is lying to me#i should start trying to gaslight myself into the opposite#i don't think my view on my art is as distorted as it used to be#but i also still see all the flaws and so i get sad whenever i receive a compliment????#this isn't normal right
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#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere#like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness#but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those#people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you#and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me.#I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do.#it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all#you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point#where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being#trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point#but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest#hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger.#but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do?#if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am#an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying#over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or#neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end#then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right?#but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable?#I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!!#sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week#In the Vents#ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™#anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted
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not to be morbid on main but my life is so strange every day i'm fighting with my inner suicidal child trying to convince her to stay alive out of spite for our enemies
#this entire year i've been forced to relive past trauma -> which i'd been able to finally process but it doesn't involve just me#so basically i processed it but my family hasn't and they keep putting the blame on me for everything and guilting me for it#even though i was a literal child. in short the fact that i ''acted out'' by running away from abusive situations was and still is worse#than the actual abusive situations i was put in. as a child.#so like... i can forgive and understand and empathize with my past self at last (instead of feeling suicidal like i did for years)#but if nobody else in my close family circle does then i have to essentially stay strong and remind myself that they're wrong#point is that when i was 11-12 i would react to the emotional and physical abuse by basically putting myself in dangerous situations#and attempting suicide a couple of times lmao. staring at the train tracks every other day#because the fact that they beat me was NORMAL for me (my mom told me that i was 2 the first time my dad hit me)#and they were acting like i was (i quote) ''bipolar'' and mentally ill and acting out out of nowhere and i couldn't fully understand why#i was doing certain things at the time. so i put the entirety of the ''blame'' on myself. and later on my mom would make me feel guilty#about it for a decade to win arguments -> which almost every time start with her gaslighting me until i start crying and yelling so then she#can call me crazy. and she can make ME feel crazy so i won't take her accountable. so she avoids taking responsibility for her actions (past#and present). i finally realized this when i told her that one of the most traumatic events of my life was when she found some smoking#filters in my drawer (she used to go through my stuff all the time) that i was LITERALLY KEEPING FOR A FRIEND and she dragged me out on the#balcony by my hair and beat me. she would beat me in public places all the time to humiliate me. even my school friends remember this#and she said 1) ''it didn't happen'' and 2) ''i don't remember''#so that's that. either i'm crazy and i fabricated the memory out of nowhere... or she's not taking responsibility for her actions.#and like... I KNOW it happened. but i'm very sensitive to gaslighting (as she does this all the time about other things as well)#and sometimes i literally have to hug myself and rock back and forth and essentially try to convince myself i'm not crazy#that's the situation i'm in rn :) cool#thank god the therapist moved my appointment to tomorrow because i'm about to implode or perhaps ask for money in advance to purchase drugs
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if you're still taking asks : save the world and mc dies or save mc and the world goes up in flames... what would each ro choose?
Ooooh this is an interesting question that might come up in game in another form. And yep, asks are always appreciated <3
Obviously almost all of them would try to save both the world and the MC firs, but I’ll try not to cop out :)) I'm also assuming the world doesn't just end, just that another apocalyptic event happens and everyone dear to them dies, but RO and MC still
Set mid relationship. Under the cut, cause it got a little dark? death related and mass murder-y vibes.
T - saves the world. After a while Taylor might seem unaffected when in the company of others, but will completely break down when alone most nights, trying to convince themselves it was the right choice. Would eventually come to accept it, but would always feel guilty for not being strong enough to same the MC too.
M - saves the MC in an impulsive, spur of the moment decision, not realizing the world also equals Taylor in this situation. If they would have sacrificed their twin in the process they may or may not still be able to live with themselves after the fact truly registers with them. If Taylor also gets to live somehow, let the world burn, baby!
K - saves the world, they have a duty to their people first. Kael would be the best equipped to deal with this kind of decision, being trained to set personal matters aside when the fate of all sylphs is in question. They’d never forget MC and would always have a place in their heart for them, but ultimately they’d know it was the only choice.
Q - saves the MC, surprising everyone but themselves. The world hasn’t been particularly kind to Quin, so it might as well burn. I see them going a rather dark mental path, reasoning they did the world a favour; put it out of its misery kind of thing. It would definitely take a toll on them, twisting the negative emotions they already have built up inside in order to cope with the decision.
J - saves the MC, no questions asked, always. Maybe then they’d be enough for someone to love them back. Maybe then the MC won’t leave them. They can get so distraught by the idea of MC dying that they might not even look for alternatives. Would also go behind the others’ backs (and against MC’s wishes) just to save the MC if they feel that time is running out.
R - saves the world, but would keep looking for answers (why did it have to happen? why the MC? was there any other option?) and even ways to bring the MC back. I see them going down a dark path of never quite accepting that MC had to be the one to die. It would in time turn into them searching for more proof that there was no other option or alternatives so no one else will have to face such a decision, but they would never quite stop returning to that moment.
#thank you so much ♥#anon asks#ro ask#I keep saying Quin is nice...#I might just be trying to convince myself at this point#Ren takes the mantle of the Scarlet Witch#Jun needs therapy - nothing new#calamity control#calamity control ros#calamity control if#twine game#twine wip
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Reminding myself that I did all of my goals I had for this year. Even if some of them turned out to be mistakes, I've come a long way in the past half a year especially, and even if I am currently struggling with the weight of it all right now, these achievements are nothing to ignore or take value away from.
#anyway considering quitting my new job because I almost died for it already and I cant handle all of the all of it.#I had to call out sick today and I got told off and a manager basically said he thought I was lying because I didnt want to work there.#it felt so bad and I just.... ugh#its just all so overwhelming#like. I'm incredibly sick right now. dealing with a whole cheating scandal going on. Christmas was hard as fuck. this new job is overwhelm#I just... cant handle it all.#plus my old job never gave me my last paycheck so I have to deal with that#and I am trying so hard to get in contact with this new therapist guy but I keep just not having time to set things up.#im overwhelmed. so much.#the one good thing I have going for me is my friends and even then I'm starting to feel like a burden on them for struggling so much#idk! its just a lot!#but hey. I didnt kill myself this year! and instead I have been living a life and thats not nothing#checked *kiss a second person* off my list. yeah they were also kissing many people I didnt know about including their girlfriend but ! yk#things happen haha (im devistated)#and I checked off *get a job* and *leave the state I was living in* and *start driving*#and two of those are still going well!#mostly I mean. I do still kinda hate driving and have almost killed myself on accident twice#but really the point is im trying lots of new things and figuring out what works and what doesnt!#im not just living but im alive and thats all that needs to matter#the pain of all of this is the proof im alive and I can still feel. I just am convincing myself thats a good thing
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It’s just like, I know I have the capacity to be happy and be loved but I don’t feel loved and as long as I don’t feel loved I can’t be happy
#deity dialogue#and like there’s just variables#I want someone to love me the way i love them or at least a fraction of as much as I do#and this isn’t to say people don’t love me I know they do I just can’t really believe it#even if people love me I feel unwanted#and like I’m self sabotaging myself about it and causing not just myself but other people pain#and I don’t deserve love from people as I am especially when I’m hurting them#and just#I want to be happy I want to love and be loved I want to be secure but I’m not any of these things at least I don’t feel like it#I feel so lonely and unwanted and I’m sure I could be doing more but at some point so much time passes that it feels like I can’t#like after so many days or weeks or months why bother reaching out is it worth it to do so#to try and contact people or apologize would it be better to just let things end wordlessly would people rather to never hear from me again#I don’t know and I simply never will and the not knowing and lack of closure and ending hurts the most#at least when a relationships gets ended verbally like I know I know and I can move on#like it hurts it lingers and haunts you but ya know#but like again it’s my fault this happened because I get so convinced that people would be happier if I weren’t in their lives and I give up#or I hurt other people in the process because I think I’m protecting myself and doing what’s best for them and it’s dumb#divine despair#<- sad tag#I just hate myself I hate who I am I hate my personality I hate everything about myself and that I keep being shitty to others
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today is absolute garbage but i am going to try to do some painting on my project nonetheless, doing my best to attempt to claw my way out of the suicidality goop
#funny how ppl are like ''stay alive for xyz things!'' and that doesnt work for me#like sorry but that is not making up for all the dogshit I've got going on dbdjdl it doesnt come anywhere close to balancing out the scales#if i am staying alive it is entirely my choice made out of stubbornness and occasionally spite#only reason i havent offed myself yet is bc i dont want to hurt people (even that doesnt convince me sometimes) and-#-i can always do it tomorrow. like why not just stick around until things get truly too fucked up to keep going#I'll make art while im around and hopefully leave behind some kind of positive mark on the world fjfkdl#also fucking... jack stauber's ''dinner is not over''#like yeah dinner isnt over yet. and it wont be until i cant stand another bite. and then i can have dessert. gotta wait til dinner is done!#like do i see there being any way for me to exist in the world? no djdksl not at all#i cant work and disability is not livable and theres no disability housing available rn so fbfjdl its not realistic#but im going to stick around until i get to the point where it isnt feasible to be around anymore dhfksl#and if the situation changes for the better then great I'll keep trucking along#but i genuinely dont think im making it to like... 30. 25 is iffy. 23 is fuzzy. its just not realistic with how society is set up currently#but! doesnt matter! just working with what i have in the present and I'll just keep trucking until i cant anymore dbfjdl#suicide tw#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#sorry this is wildly mentally ill but i am just kind of ... hoping maybe it'll help someone else#all i see for suicide prevention is ''you have so much to live for!'' and that doesnt rly help ppl in my situation#i KNOW I've got a lot to live for but it's simply not realistic nor does it make up for the fact that life is utter dogshit dhdjdl#so i just try to approach it from an angle of almost like... not caring#like I'll keep doing what i can until things get too hard and then I'll take my leave 🤷 sticking around until then!
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uhh whatever. dump
#yeah i keep on drawing catgirls!!!#i jsut.. think its funny... :o)#i have been playing rune factory again lately. SIGH.#elert elert!!! ragu is a TOMBOY when im playing B)#it feels cringe but also. haha funne girls. i'm pointing at them and firing my autism beam#i actually picked selphy because i love her autistic swag. but let it be known i would die for. girls.#if you made euni diet im killling you im killing you#sorry if this sucks as a post format!! this is probably the only way i can convince myself to post.#why do i need to post? 'self esteem' apparently. remains to be seen lol!!#one of these images is much older than the others. we may neaver know#watching myself lean back into a more anime inspired style because it's funny and i doan't care i just doant care anymore (<-trying so hard)#should i tag series?? should i tag? uh. i mean it's a dump. fuckit.
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When I finally started looking into getting an ADHD assessment, I started feeling the imposter syndrome thing, and was worried I’d be paying all that money only to get told I actually don’t have it, but with every passing day I am more and more convinced I will get that diagnosis. Just today I almost walked out in front of a car, went into a shop with my friends saying I needed bread and milk and came out with €20 worth of shopping, left my wooly hat somewhere (it’s just fuckin gone??) and zoned out about twenty times.
#While in the shop my friend actually said 'is this what adhd is like?'#while I was verbalising my thought hopping and constantly repeating 'cereal' to myself#to try keep on track#they found it quite amusing#Also why does my laptop keyboard have a sterling symbol but no euro#far more people use the euro#why should I have to search for it in symbols#dollars fine because the US Canada Australia and New Zealand all use various dollars#but only the UK uses the sterling#and their economy is fucked rn anyway#this little side track rant may be proving my point. hmm#Anyway I have an assessment booked in for March 2023 because#Irish waiting lists are insane! even though I'm going privately#If I were to try go publically I'd probably be waiting for three years#because the HSE is fucked#ALSO where the fuck is my umbrella gone??#Also a friend of mine wasn't convinced I had ADHD until I read out one of my AO3 author's notes#that was funny
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