June 21st, 2020. We were in the middle of the first wave of a global pandemic, the entire world turned upside down.
Season 7 of The Clone Wars ended less than two months before. And on that day I did something that would forever change my life.
I joined a rexsoka group chat.
It was a small group, since Tumblr group chats weren't really big to begin with. And it was rexsoka, after all, I remember when we had only about 300 fics on AO3 at the time. I remember being very anxious about joining because I felt that I'm not gonna fit in and no one would like me.
If only I knew...
That moment was the beginning of the biggest rollercoaster of my life, full of both the happiest, and the most heartbreaking memories.
The group chat moved to Discord well before Tumblr removed the bugged and broken feature, to the server owned by the most amazing person I have ever known. The members joined and left, but a portion of the OG members have become my closest friends. We shared secrets with each other that we'd never share with anyone else, we joked, laughed, argued... But we'd still stick together, even if we spent less time interacting.
In the meantime I started drawing again, after being art blocked for years. Even though I will never get close to the most popular artists in the fandom, I was still shocked at the amount of feedback I've received. I will be forever grateful for that.
Then I moved on from reading fics to writing my own stories, and I even collabed on a fic, which I never thought I would do. It was amazing.
Over those 3 years I've done things I never would've expected myself to do before.
Both good and horrible things...
Now, 3 years later, on June 21st, 2023...
I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to believe in anymore...
I kept hurting people, especially those closest to me, and I kept hurting myself.
Those anniversaries were always very important to me, because it was about meeting my dear friends.
But this anniversary...
I will spend attending my very first therapist appointment.
I don't even know what to expect from it, I'm beyond terrified. I'm terrified of the things I have to confess to them. I'm terrified of sharing my story and my problems with them because those memories make my heart bleed. I'm terrified of the diagnosis I might get or that the only "diagnosis" I will get will be the fact that I'm fucked up and just a terrible person in general.
But I have to do it. It's not only for myself, but in the majority it is. Because the only other option I have left would result in my name being put on my grave...
I don't know what will happen on the 4th anniversary. I no longer look into the future with anticipation. The past seems so distant nowadays and the present... Just is.
I want to thank everyone who's left a like, a comment, or a reblog on my posts. I'd like to thank each and every of my followers. I'd especially like to thank all my friends, the ones still around for still putting up with my bullshit, and to those I cannot talk to anymore, for putting up with my bullshit in the past. Thank you for the amazing memories.
And I'm sorry for all the trouble and drama I've caused.
I hope you guys stay healthy.
Maybe once I fix my mental health I'll go back to drawing and writing. And I'll stop being so overdramatic in my posts. And in my life as well.
x
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a lil' update on the transgender TM front
so im at university now (yeah!!!! 😁) and i am enrolled w my birth name but introduced myself w my chosen name! that went well so far, no one has asked abt why i have different names in different places yet
however, i do not pass. despite rocking the extremely short hair + men's clothes combo, my voice is too high and my tits are too big ✌️😞 and ive been referred to as a woman and w she/her. it made me uncomfortable but i didn't manage to speak up and correct the others
i think once im long enough on T for changes to occur, ill mention my pronouns are he/him (i go by he/him in my country bc gender neutral pronouns don't exist there)
maybe ill also manage to come out to individual ppl and tell them my pronouns and slowly build up from there. ill see
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Ride 774: Kiji, coming!!
Pag 1
1: Welcome, to the Emperor's throne!!
My aim is the double crown!!
Pag 2
4: Ahhh... you're fast, the two of you
I thought I could catch you for sure at 2km left
Pag 3
1: But it took me until “1km left”, yon!!
Pag 4
3: Ah!?
He
4: caught up!? Who....
Pag 5
1: who the hell are you!?
2: The two people in the lead are taking the curve and passing the sign that says that there's 1km left until the sprint line.....
Pag 6
1: No, it's three people!!
Three people passed the “1km left” sign!!
2: There's more people!? Since when!?
Wasn't it two people!?
What happened!? Who's that? That jersey-
At the last curve, suddenly-
3: It's not “who are you”....!!
Dammit!! I know!! This guy!!
Pag 7
1: There's one more person who we need to pay special attention to
2: Gunma Ryousei's third year, Kiji Kyuui
3: Ohh, Kiji? Who's that
Oi, I already told you about this in advance, Manami!! Come on, at the sea
Is that so?
4: What's your data about him?
5: There's basically no record of him in road racing
6: He's an..... “assassin” from the MTB world, huh
7: Is he aiming for the goal?
8: Yeah.... the goal...
That's right....
We should be glad
Pag 8
1: That he's only aiming for the goal
2: Hayaaaa!!
3: Dammit!! The first result.... so you're aiming for the sprint too!?
4: Since they said you were aiming for the goal I thought you were a climber like Manami!!
Pag 9
1: Let's speed up, Orange!! He'll catch up!!
2: I've seen it before!! This guy's jersey
3: That day.... he appeared suddenly on that bike with the thick tires
Pag 10
1: It's the guy who chased Onoda-san and the Hakogaku guy with the bouncy hair!!
2: Before that, Onoda-san said they were friends and that he's “strong”!!
3: He's coming to catch up to
4: mine and San-na's battle
Pag 11
1: He really is strong!!
Let's switch, I'll pull!!
Pag 12
1: Orange!!
3: They're in tune
You have amazing judgment and explosive power!!
4: When I caught up at the last curve
5: Even though they could have also accepted me and made me join them
Without making eye contact or calling out to each other, in an instant at the same time they made the decision
6: that they would “cooperate” to leave me behind!! Yon!!
You're really....
Pag 13
4: What's that
He's lowering his stance and pushing on the handles like he's about to dance....!!
5: Hayaaaa
Pag 14
1: You're really close friends!!
Pag 15
4: He lined up to us in one go!?
Pag 16
1: This guy!! Was it an optical illusion? Just now, I saw something like a cloud of dust behind me
2: Takadajou told us this
Be careful
3: I've been told that the power that a MTB rider can produce in a short time
4: is 1.5 times that of a road racing cyclist
5: This guy can match this top speed!?
8: Ah!?
9: Huh!?
Pag 17
2: In between!?
He came in between!?
Ah!?
3: You bastard, usually when one catches up he joins in the back
Pag 18
1: It's road racing theory!!
4: This guy doesn't know the theory?
5: 800m left until the sprint line!!
6: 1
Pag 19
1: 2
What's this- San-na, did this guy suddenly started counting
2: What's this
The sign for an attack?
3: 3
Pag 20
2: Alright, I recovered
5: Well then, I'll go
Pag 21
1: Ahead, yon
2: So it really was a sign for attacking!!
Who's that guy!!
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