#I haven’t earned money in weeks now and I am literally having a breakdown over this. I NEED the money what the fuck am I supposed to do.
Text
.
#I was going to write today after work since I’m feeling better#but now I’m crying instead because I can’t go in. I was literally on my out the door when surprise! my brother whom I live with just tested#positive for COVID. and our mother whom we also live with is still recovering from it herself. she tested positive a few days ago.#I haven’t earned money in weeks now and I am literally having a breakdown over this. I NEED the money what the fuck am I supposed to do.#there’s a reason I work two jobs and lately I’ve been working ZERO because of all of this.#✧ ; ᵃʷᵃʸ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵐʸ ᵈᵉˢᵏ (.ooc)
9 notes
·
View notes
Note
.... any succession fic recs? 👀
Yes!! I haven't read a lot for it yet, but some of the stuff I've read has been staggeringly good. I'm generally more into gen fic in this particular fandom, but have enjoyed some Stewy x Kendall, Gerri x Roman and Naomi x Tabitha too.
A few recs under the cut!
“I wanted to get out. From under all this. Take the money and run.”
Kendall tells Stewy even though he knows he’ll never get it, not like Naomi does. He’ll never understand the crush of it, the heart-stopping head-fucking fear of failing a tyrant. Kendall’s been ignoring the shape of it for a long time, putting pieces of it together in the back of his mind in total darkness like a blindfolded man. It doesn’t matter that one day his dad will die. It doesn’t matter about the money or the hostile takeover or the stolen files or any of it. There’s no running. Kendall’s Logan Roy lives inside his head.
Stewy laughs. Stewy laughs for a long time.
“There is no out, Ken, what the fuck are you talking about? You were born this and you’ll die this. You are what you are, and what you are is a fucking Roy.”
Kendall hates him, for a moment. Lightning-strike furious. What the fuck does he know about any of it, about his dad’s swinging dinner plate-sized hands, about getting 24% name recognition in reliable international polling, about puking every time you think about a car swerving off the road in the rain. About finding out that you can do something unthinkably, unimaginably terrible, and it doesn’t matter to anyone you know but you. There’s a scar on his arm that no one else who hasn’t already been told how it got there can ever know about, and he’s sick of it, and it’s not fair. He hates Stewy for a moment because Stewy’s right.
“I wanted to do the right thing, Stewy, for once in my fucking life.”
Stewy laughs again, more briefly, and the predator flash of his eyes in the neon of the motel sign is a torture all its own.
‘There is no right and wrong, Ken. How the fuck do you not know that yet? Not for people like you. Like us. There’s shit you get caught doing and there’s shit you don’t.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You really, really fucking don’t,” says Ken, and fuck, there it is. The road less travelled, that only he has ever driven on. The path he’s down where Stewy can’t follow. That place beyond Stewy Hosseini where he never thought he could go.
“You’re not telling me something, and when I find out what that is, and I will find out what it is, Kendall, don’t you think I won’t, so I am warning you that when I do find out I am going to be righteously fucking pissed,” says Stewy, and if Kendall thought those were a predator’s eyes before—
“Yeah, you will,” says Kendall, because he knows exactly how perceptive Stewy is. Exactly how weak he is. Exactly, precisely what both of them are.
And treat this night like it’ll happen again by postcardmystery.
8k words. Kendall x Stewy. Post s2. (CW: internalised homophobia, some homophobic language)
I tried to pick a shorter excerpt, but I literally couldn’t, this fic is so. good. The voices are pitch perfect, and it’s got this incredible build to it overall that goes back and forth between time and point of views and just rips your heart out. The premise itself is pretty simple – after the press conference at the end of 2.10, Kendall calls Stewy, and they drive through rural America while Kendall has a breakdown, and it’s just - - unspeakably good. I love it so so so much, I have no words.
r/roysucks
Connor’s gf just posted on Instagram (instagram.com)
submitted two months ago by webbedscrum_2279
23 comments share save hide report
[–] DM_ME_SAMESMAIL 40 points two months ago
I too like to escape to my yacht in the Mediterranean when my family and I are on trial for covering up rape and murder.
permalink embed save report reply
AITA for accusing my father of multiple crimes on his own news station? By amleth
3k words. Gen fic. Post s2.
And now for something completely different – epistolary fic which is just reddit news threads of the Roy family drama. I love an epistolary fic and this is just totally charming, and made me laugh a lot out loud.
“You’re quiet,” she observes. “That’s a first.”
“Yeah, well, the Turks beat it out of me. Gave you a run for their money.” He waggles his eyebrows. “So what is this? Whips and chains? Are we doing the whole boat-sex thing? I heard Shiv and Tom are looking for a third —“
Gerri finds what she’s looking for: a black leather binder. She drops it on the bed and begins paging through it, and Roman cranes his neck enough to recognize that it’s just full of documents, not like, dick pics. “I’ve given some thought to what you proposed a few weeks ago, and I agree that we should make things official in some way,” she says, and he blinks.
“Uh,” he says. “Which — what part of it?”
“Take a look.”
Gerri closes the folio and hands it over. It’s deceptively heavy, and the print on these pages is way too fucking fine, he thinks, paging through it. “Is this some kind of, like, Fifty Shades of Roy sex contract? Because it’s not that I’m not into it, but I think there’s a strong argument for going paperless —”
“Strictly speaking, this isn’t legally binding,” Gerri says. “Just something I threw together with regard to our business arrangement going forward. But with no respect to the family — the past few weeks have really illustrated that no one should take anyone at their word right now. Give me a little more than your word.”
Evacuation strategies for a yacht on fire by devourthemoon.
11k words. Gerri x Roman. Post s2. Explicit.
After the events of s2, Roman and Gerri fake being married as a professional alliance, only, y’know, maybe it’s not so fake. This fic is just so, so much fun, and messy in the best possible way. The author nails all the character voices, and the sex scenes are just the right amount of hot and ridiculous, and I just love it all a lot too.
Kendall estimates it will take an hour for the first articles to go up. Some rapid-fire blog without oversight—the New York Post, maybe, or wherever those Vaulter hippies have skulked off to—will slap a catchy headline on it and report his words verbatim. Give or take a gif of his face when he switches to script number two. New York Times, Washington Post, AP, those fuckers take longer. They like to bleed the story like Middle Ages plague doctors for its marrow, fact-check and add context and analysis and as many backlinks as their servers can handle. Still, a couple of hours, and his face will be plastered on every major news outlet. His voice will play over the nightly talk shows. He’ll trend on Twitter. A few more days, and he’ll be the star of analysis segments, podcasts, weekly briefings. Maybe, fuck it, maybe he’ll trend on Twitter again.
It’s been years since Kendall read Shakespeare. But that shit sticks with you, gets under your skin and emerges when you least expect it, like eczema or Keynesian economics. He knows how the media will spin this. Kendall Roy Attacks CEO Logan for Years of Corruption. Prodigal Son Disrupts Family Legacy to Restore Credibility. That’s how Hamlet ends, right? And Macbeth, Lear, Othello, Romeo and Juliet, even Titus fucking Andronicus. The spilled blood sinks into the ground, the seedlings sprout forth from the soil, and a new castle is built on the bones. Order out of chaos, or at least close enough an approximation that the tabloids will buy it.
Legacy for profit by owlinaminor
Post-2.10. Kendall Roy.
Kendall through Shakespeare analogies – just - - ooooof. It's a beautiful, lyrical character study that weaves through Roy family history and teases at a future none of them are even sure they want. It's gorgeous writing.
For the next few days Shiv would have to keep the pressure on Kira like an open wound because there were other women, victims that Nate’s people were going to find one by one as soon as that phone call disconnected. Mo was her father’s friend, good friend, for a long, long time. Nate and Gil, Sandy and Stewy, too many sharks in the water and the share price probably dipped to a new low but she would never check a stock ticker. Her husband’s nerves fraying at the edges on national television. She had promised a woman she’d never met before that she would kill roughly one third of the top male executives of her family’s company. Her company.
The last look Rhea gave her before she shut the car door was concern close to fear—no longer the same woman who heard their pitch in the safe room, who laughed with her at Argestes. Rhea had only looked into the abyss; she got cold feet and she didn’t even know what it’s like to grow up in it.
Her family’s company is hers, will be hers. Even from a whale fall, new life would spring.
Feed his flesh to wayward daughters by reogulus.
2k words. Shiv Roy. Set during 2.09.
This entire fic is set around Shiv bribing Kira not to testify, and god, it is so good. It’s bleak and rough, and really hones in on the complex ground Shiv walks as a character. It's another brilliant study of what it takes to be a Roy, and the way they make the awful choices in order to fulfill this legacy that they don't even know they want.
Kendall sets down his fork. “So. Tell me. Is it everything you wanted? Is it what you thought it would be?”
Roman stills. He never does that. He’s constantly a menace in motion, slouching and fidgeting, worse even than Kendall at his amphetamine peak. “What? The view from the tippy-tippy-top?”
“His regard.” Kendall wipes his mouth with the edge of the white cloth napkin. It comes away pink from the steak. “Dad. He’s all yours now.”
Roman still hasn’t moved. Finally, he lurches, like corroded machinery come uncertainly to life. “Yeah, man. It’s fucking tight as hell. I love every beautiful daddy and me moment I was a good enough little boy to earn.” He snorts. “Fuck you.” His face goes curiously slack then, like something Kendall’s own face would do. An intermission in the performance, an energy cut. Something genuine finding its way to the surface. “Why don’t you tell me. When you got everything you wanted, how the fuck did that make you feel?”
Nauseous, is the first word that springs to mind. Sick. Scared. I’ve never had everything I wanted, there’s that. I’ve never once had a single fucking thing I wanted. There’s that, too.
Interim leadership by arbitrarily
2k words. Roman + Kendall. Post s2.
I love Roman and Kendall scenes generally, but this one which features Kendall and Roman meeting for the first time a few months after the press conference in 2.10 is just a bit magic. The push pull dynamic that's just inherent to them mixed with the genuine affection and brotherly love is really special, and arbitrarily embraces both in equal measure. It's a great little fic.
There are lots more of course, and I'd also recommend checking out other works by these authors, but I hope this is a good place to start! :-)
43 notes
·
View notes
Text
in defense of Din’s subdued reaction to losing the kid...
gif by @quantam-widow
I know we were all thinking it. We got a 2 second reaction shot to the destruction of the Razor Crest (may she forever rest in peace), but then, Grogu gets taken, and... nothing?
What the fuck, Din? we all protest. That’s your baby on that ship! Don’t you care? Scream, curse, kick a rock, cry, make a fist, something!!
I will acknowledge that so far, the show has been excellent with giving us emotional payoff, am I right? I mean, just today we got Din laughing, twice. Twice in a row. I honestly never thought we’d see that. There have been so many excellent, precious soft!Din moments this season, and they all feel deliciously earned.
So, from a meta POV, I guess I’m saying that I have faith in the writers to get it right, and in Pedro to deliver. Duh.
In universe, though, I think it’s fair to point out the obvious - that Din is a pretty reserved guy. He’s much more of a thinker than a feeler. He’s used to keeping things bottled up, and I would even argue that his life often depends on his ability to dissociate from his emotions. Din’s entire journey so far has been about how one little baby yodito shakes his worldview to its very foundations. He’s getting there, but it’s a slow process.
And also, consider this - we haven’t seen Din alone yet, not since Grogu was taken. For a guy who lives a guarded life literally encased in fucking armor, any display of emotion is going to be carefully protected until he’s in private.
But anyway, Din is detached, rational, a little emotionally constipated, and definitely comfortable in a stressful situation. A true ISTP if you ask me (yeah, I know you didn’t, but whatever). Often, it seems that these cool headed, logical types who have never ruffled a feather over anything in their lives are the least adept at handling genuine fear. In other words, when panic does strike, it strikes them hard.
And guys, Din was definitely panicking during this episode.
He’s clearly unsettled from the jump - that outburst of “dank farrik!” in the cockpit sells it, and his distress only becomes more obvious from there. Talking out loud, trying to convince himself that the best thing for Grogu is for him to be trained as a Jedi. Reminding himself of the creed. His overt caution as they approach the seeing stone. His impatience, “Are you seeing anything??”
Then there’s the effects of long term stress. Sure, a bounty hunter in the outer rim doesn’t exactly live an easy life, but Din is definitely used to the drama being on his terms. Compare Din’s body language in the opening scene of season one to when Boba confronts him in chapter fourteen. You can just feel the anxiety, the weariness, the frustration. Din has been on the run for months now, constantly looking over his shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. Notice how he even startles at Fennec’s voice? Season one Din would never have given that much away, regardless of the situation. Long term stress has clearly taken a toll on him.
So we have unsettled, stressed out Din in an emotionally charged situation. He’s exhausted, he’s scared, he’s desperate. This scenario is a recipe for even the most level-headed of adrenaline junkies to loose their cool, and that’s exactly what happens to Din. He panics, and he makes some pretty big fuckups because of it. Leaving Grogu unprotected, twice. Trying three different times to break through that “force field,” even when he knew he couldn’t. Dropping that jetpack and then just forgetting about it (I know we were all screaming about that one, or at least, I was).
So, fear is a positive feedback loop. Those neurotransmitters that do us good in a bad situation - raising heart rate, narrowing focus, shunting blood to the muscles - can also be detrimental if we get too high of a dose - tachypnea and tachycardia, inability to think critically and see the big picture, lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. Epinephrine, in particular, even inhibits the laying down of new memory pathways. In other words, stress leads to poor performance, and poor performance leads to more stress, which leads to... you get the idea.
Then, in the middle of all this chaos, they fucking blast the Razor Crest.
More epinephrine, more cortisol, more stress.
By the end of it all, Din is a fucking shitstorm of stress hormones and pent up emotions. Notice how he seems to be on autopilot in the immediate aftermath, robotically scanning the ashes of the Crest for anything that might be left intact. Notice how empty his voice is when he says, “the child is gone.” This is a dead man walking. Din has nothing left. His whole life has just gone up in smoke, and he can do nothing about it.
Guys, Din is holding onto his sanity by a fucking thread in this scene. “The child is gone,” he says, like he’s reminding himself, grounding himself in his shitty reality. He’s stunned.
And helpless. There’s literally nothing he can do for Grogu. He has no ship, no credits, no resources, nothing to bargain with, nothing to offer. Din literally cannot allow himself the luxury of feelings right now. He’s just got to focus on surviving this very shitty day.
Then, Boba Fett upholds his end of the deal, and suddenly, Din has something to hold onto. An ally, a badass friend, some hope. I don’t think Boba shows Din that chain code in order to verify his claim on the armor - he’s already wearing it, for godssake. I think Boba shows him the code in order to catch Din’s attention - hey friend, I know you’re hurting, but I’m a man of my word. When I make a vow, I keep it. Let’s regroup and go find your kid.
And Din would totally latch onto that. A fighting chance? Din fucking leaps at it. There’s a job to do. A kid to save. All of those stress hormones are going to keep on stewing, because Din has never really come down from his adrenaline high.
It’s like this in real life, too. There isn’t time to be afraid. There isn’t time to be sad, or second-guess, or say, oh how terrible, or wonder what if it doesn’t work? There’s just you and the job, and if you are the only thing standing between life and death, you will put everything else aside and do what you have to do, for as long as you have to do it.
And that’s where Din is at this moment. He’s running on the fumes of his adrenaline, all tempered focus, all strategy and no bullshit.
Emotional shock, my therapist buddy calls it. Apparently, it’s normal. Expected, even.
But guys, the fallout of this kind of crazy ass adrenaline high is insanely intense. I’m talking collapse to the floor, legs won't hold you, trembling, crying so hard you sling snot, shuddering breaths, stare dead-eyed and spent at the ceiling because you’re just too wiped out to even sleep kind of intense.
And then, after the breakdown comes the angst. The detailed thinking. The oh god, what if this had happened, or, should I have done that instead? It seems like every emotion that gets put on the back burner in the moment comes back to bite you with twofold intensity when all is said and done.
In other words, Din is definitely going to feels some things .A lot of very intense things. A reckoning is coming, my dudes. Trust me. It’s just not quite here yet.
That being said, here’s what I can expect from Din going forward:
Just like he’s is slow to acknowledge his growing parental feelings for Grogu, I think Din’s going to be slow at processing his grief at Grogu’s loss. In the next episode, he’s got plenty to distract him - getting together his hit team to take back the kid and coordinating an attack on the empire.
However, I do think we’ll get a slow moment with Din, probably sometime at the beginning of next week’s episode if the pattern holds. I doubt it’s the full-blown breakdown that we’re all needing, but I’m willing to bet money that we’ll see Din grappling with the fact that his kid is gone. I also think that badass beskar murder machine Din from chapter three will resurface. Stress and desperation make us do irrational things, and anger is one of the stages of grief that Din will inevitably have to work through (I think he’s flickering between denial and bargaining for now).
But then, after Din gets Grogu back? I think that’s we’ll have our big, dearly earned emotional payoff.
For one thing, Din won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore. He wants to keep this kid, it’s so very obvious. Losing him just forces it all to the forefront.
And then the relief/joy/regret/guilt that Din is going to feel once he’s got Grogu back? Not to mention the physical exhaustion? All of the fear/terror/angst/grief that he ignored in favor of just going pedal to the metal, guns blazing, get the kid or die trying? That shit’s going to crash into him with all the subtly of a fucking tsunami. I guarantee you, we’re going to get some sort of confession, or adoption vow, or face revel, or other sort of profound softness from Dad!Din in the falling action of this season (At least, I hope we get it at the end this season but I wouldn’t put it past them to kick it into the premier of season three, just for pacing reasons, but then again, I obviously have trust issues).
Personally, I would love to see Din grappling with the long-term fallout of losing Grogu - night terrors, guilt, paranoia, etc. That’s probably the stuff of fanfiction - mandalorians don't have nightmares on screen, surely - but still, some lingering effects Grogu’s kidnapping would be realistic, and I would absolutely live for it.
#din djarin#dad din djarin#the mandalorian#baby yoda#grogu#mandadlorian#tm spoilers#chapter fourteen the tragedy#in defense of din djarin#basically this is a thought dump and i'm sorry#also i really need some fic of din really processing the fact that grogu is gone and din just let those fuckers jet off with his baby#no i don't blame din but din definitely blames himself and i am here for that angst#soft din gives me life#also boba fett is such a babe#i just have so many thoughts about this stupid show#i was so distracted at work today#feel free to drop into my inbox or messages and rant about metal dad and his green gremlin son#or send fic#i love fic#and headcanons#and fandom discourse
122 notes
·
View notes
Text
1245
Serious question, peanut butter or nutella?
Oh you are just mean. Nutella is amazing as a filling or icing, but when it comes down to it I guess I look for peanut butter more often. I love both though.
Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes?
Mashed. But baked potatoes are pretty good too; the only reason I didn’t pick it is that I don’t get to have it as often as I do mashed.
What is your oldest sibling’s middle name?
I’m the eldest sibling, but my sister, who comes after me, has Beatrice as her second name if that’s what you mean by middle name.
Do you like breadsticks?
Yes. The more cheesy-garlicky, the better.
What are your favorite things to spend money on?
Merch or food.
Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten?
Puppy. Not the biggest fan of cats.
How old will you be on your next birthday?
24.
Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people?
If it’s the combination of having to be around people I’m not too close with, like workmates, and I’m eating something that tends to be messy, like jjajangmyeon, then yeah I can definitely feel conscious.
When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts?
I fell asleep from 11 PM to around 3 AM and when I woke up then I thought “ugh, I fell asleep early again?”
What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody?
My vape pen constantly reminds me of Andi because they were the one who gave it to me.
Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic?
No.
Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one?
I did want to be one, at one point. It was all a matter of being stuck with the wrong crowd at the time lol.
Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried?
Probably with my sister when we were very young.
Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence?
Intelligence.
Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise?
I never have.
You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why?
A 1 or 2 TB hard drive. My phone has reached the stage where I’m starting to have to constantly delete shit so I don’t reach the maximum storage, so I need someplace to dump all my photos and videos in to free up my phone.
Honestly, have you ever danced naked?
Nope.
What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught?
I dunno...buy pirated movies? I didn’t get ‘caught’ since pirated movie stalls are widespread here anyway, so for the most part I’ve always been more concerned for them than I am for myself.
What is the home page on the computer you’re on?
Technically it’s supposed to be the Google home screen, but I have an extension that shows me my to-do list for the day.
Do you like to write poetry?
Nah, that’s always been my Achilles’ heel when it comes to writing.
Are your ears pierced?
Yup. Surprisingly enough they’ve never closed up despite never having worn earrings (clip-ons notwithstanding) in the last 13 years.
If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle?
I’m not sure, since my mom had them pierced when I was a baby. I would guess piercing gun, though.
Do you wear makeup regularly?
I never wear makeup.
Did you eat cereal for breakfast today?
I never have cereal unless I’m staying at hotels. It’s just never been something I look for.
When was the last time you tripped over something?
A box that was lying around in my room.
Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?
I’ll sometimes get concerned with how many times I have to flick the switch of our hot water dispenser or open and close the refrigerator door before I feel completely satisfied...but I dunno if that counts.
Who was the last person you yelled at?
Technically...Angela? I was filming an unboxing video for a gift she randomly got me and I loved the gift so much I was yelling my excitement through the screen.
Why did you yell at them?
^ That.
Favorite type of apple?
I don’t like fruits.
Ever seen live horse racing?
No, it’s not something that interests me.
How about live greyhound racing?
I don’t even know what that looks like.
What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without?
The arts, I guess. I need something to listen to, to watch, etc on a regular basis.
Have you ever touched a giraffe?
I don’t think so.
What does your mom call you?
Robyn, or the Filipino term parents use for their kids.
What stresses you out the most in life?
A particular client at work. We have a million campaigns going on for them at any given point so my life virtually revolves around that brand these days.
Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite?
Nope.
If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father?
Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. < Yeah.
What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero?
If I’m using a Playstation controller, I can go Hard or Expert. But my finger coordination with the actual guitar controller is terrible and I fail most songs even at Easy.
What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend?
There was never any ‘boyfriend,’ but my first girlfriend and I have basically had a falling out and I haven’t talked to her in months, and I expect it to continue being that way.
What’s your favorite country song?
I don’t have any.
What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you?
Putting her pride and anger first even when I’m obviously in a state of disstress or breakdown in front of her. That’s some emotional rollercoaster I’m glad I don’t have to deal with anymore.
What were you for Halloween last year?
Just Dora the Explorer again, which was a repeat from the year before that.
Are you feeling guilty for something?
I don’t think so; at least there isn’t anything I’m actively feeling guilty about at the moment.
Are you usually quiet or loud?
I think I’m in between? I’m pretty loud but I can space out at the most random moments hahaha.
How many hours do you spend on the computer a day?
This question always makes me wince at myself...I guess anywhere between 16-18 hours? The only time I put my laptop down is when I’m off to bed, but otherwise it’s constantly open.
What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do?
I don’t think there is such a show.
Do your siblings text you?
Nope. We live under the same roof 24/7 so there’s been little need to text.
Do you want a small or big wedding?
Big.
Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth?
Yes, but that was when Google Earth was still super bare so I wasn’t able to see the actual house anyway, but just the general area where we’re located. I haven’t used Google Earth in years.
Who is your ex dating/talking to?
I don’t know and I hoooonestly could not care less.
Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yep.
Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you?
Depends on my mood. I have my moments where it’s very easy for me to get irritated.
Do you own your own computer?
I mean it was bought for me, but I didn’t get it with money I earned.
Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings?
When my brother was starting to mature, my sister and I very very briefly experimented sharing a room, but it lasted like all of two weeks. My parents ultimately just transferred our balcony to a bedroom so that all three of us had our own rooms.
What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment?
An airplane is flying above me at the moment so I can hear its engine. I can also hear some crickets chirping and the faint barking of dogs.
Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours?
Yup.
What’s the biggest upcoming event for you?
I guess my second vaccine dose is kinda big? It’s happening this Friday.
What do you typically order from Wendy’s?
I rarely get Wendy’s tbh, but when I do I usually go for their Baconator.
Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?
No, it’s not something I would be into.
What do you love most about yourself?
Continued the next day because I am terrible at taking a survey in one go. I like that I don’t hesitate to do or buy things for my loved ones, not even inwardly. I guess it’s because my family has always lived very practically, so I want to make up for that by spoiling my friends.
Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed?
Yes.
What are you doing right now?
I am supposed to be at work but it’s a relatively quiet day, so I’m here. I do have my screen split between Tumblr and my emails though, so that I’d be able to see if new work will come in hahaha.
What’s bothering you right now?
Quiet work days always make me anxious because it makes me think if I’m forgetting about something crucial.
What was the last thing you drank?
I literally just took a sip of my coffee before moving on to this question.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
Depends on the situation, I think. Like when I go to concerts, I know I’m around people I share the same interests with, so there’s a sense of solidarity that goes with that. But when I’m like...I dunno, lining up to get my license renewed at a government office, I know people there are in a rush and tend to get rude, and that makes me feel a little bit overwhelmed. I don’t think this is something I can generalize.
Do you want your tongue pierced?
No. Lip I can consider, but I have to pass on tongue.
Do you change your phone background a lot?
I do these days, yeah.
Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?
Possibly.
Have you ever been strip searched?
I’ve been searched, but was never asked to strip.
Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it?
No, it’s an ordinary surname.
Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly?
Never.
Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time?
I get sick of people who call themselves bipolar, and of people who use ‘bipolar’ to describe someone else who just has your typical mood swings.
Describe your day so far in three words:
Business as usual.
What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school?
I was once designated as a leader for a science investigative project, which didn’t make sense because science was definitely not my strongest point. Needless to say it didn’t go well and I ended up being a terrible leader.
Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers:
Butterfinger, even though they’re a bitch to eat and chew.
Have you ever stepped in dog poop?
Maybe once or twice. It fortunately doesn’t happen a lot.
What was the last thing you spent money on?
I got Angela and Reena cheese tarts. The reason behind it was Jin held a VLIve last Monday and he had been eating egg tarts during the stream; and because I was happy to have watched my first Jin live, I got my friends cheese tarts hahaha. I don’t know a lot of places that sells good egg tarts so I settled for cheese tarts instead, which I think are better anyway.
Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed?
Yeah.
Is there a guy that knows a lot about you?
I guess Hans? We personally don’t get to have a lot of heart-to-heart exchanges, but considering how Angela’s my greatest confidante I’m sure she has shared bits of my life to him, which I don’t mind.
Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without?
I don’t really like answering this question anymore because the people that I’ve declared ‘for keeps’ have faded out of my life at some point. I’m a lot more guarded and self-preservation-y when it comes to this now.
Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee?
Ooooh, both. I love coffee.
Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum?
No.
Do you enjoy being outdoors?
If the weather is nice, yes.
Do people tell you that you have an accent?
I mean I’ve been told my English is strong, but my accent in particular doesn’t really get noted.
Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July?
I don’t celebrate that.
What’re some unspeakable subjects for you?
I don’t like talking about my brother. Otherwise I am pretty open about everything.
Is there anyone you would take a bullet for?
Several people come to mind.
Do you enjoy tanning?
If I’m at the beach, sure. It’s honestly not something I have to constantly keep up with, though, since I’m already naturally tan enough.
Are you a virgin?
No.
Who’s your celebrity crush?
Taehyung :(
Did or do you get good grades in English class?
I always got pretty good grades in English.
What part of your body are you self-conscious about?
Teeth, and my legs sometimes.
Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner?
I don’t celebrate that.
Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer?
Yes.
Do you personally know anyone who is transgender?
Yes.
When was the last time you got a shot?
Last month, then I’m getting my second dose tomorrow.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
The bad, the ugly, and maybe a little good...
This is going to be a long one, so I’m going to put it behind a cut. Suffice to say, I’ve decided to just ramble on here for a bit. This started out as my writing blog, but for obvious reasons, it hasn’t been lately.
The reasons being that I haven’t written anything in almost a year. I tried writing smutty short stories just to see how much crap I could produce quickly, and see if I could actually earn a little money from it. And I burned myself out. Badly. The last few months, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things. And I just realized that. NaNoWriMo is coming up. I just managed to frantically finish the album I’m working on for my cyberpunk music blog, now I’m just assembling it and uploading it to BandCamp. I was hoping to get it done a few weeks ago, so I would have time to seriously think about (and plot) for NaNoWriMo.
It’s the 28th. I don’t see any planning getting done in the next few days. That might change. I don’t know. There’s been some upheaval in my personal life, and I’m finding myself slipping into a mild depression. Most of the depression I deal with is relatively mild, but also pretty paralyzing. The only reason I’m able to type all this out right now is because it’s words. With a keyboard. I learned how to type properly in 3rd grade, and it’s one of the few ways that I can really just let words flow now as an adult. I had a speech impediment as a child, and while I eventually got through it with speech therapy, the moment I try to speak anything long and complex, I tend to get tongue-tied, or slur or mumble my words. Writing was always my way out.
The last two years haven’t been great for me. I finally found a desk job two and a half years ago, but it’s on a school campus, so I’m only earning money when school is in session. I took the job mainly because my knees have gotten so bad that I couldn’t work retail anymore. I literally couldn’t handle being on my feet for even a four hour shift. Which was the longest shift I was getting towards the end of my tenure there, because you can’t be giving decent hours to retail workers. They might end up having job security and a steady paycheck. So yeah... the last few years I’ve been a house-husband who can’t be on his feet long enough to actually keep the house up. And I get long stretches of time where I have to stay in money conservation mode just to survive until I get back to work. Not great.
Okay, here’s where wet get to the ugly. So I’m going to put a break here. I’ll try to avoid any specific triggers, but the next part deals with a bit of bullying, loss, and social circle problems. The sort of things you think get left behind after high school, but in the end, adults are just high schoolers with more experience.
Recently I came face to face with the fact that, even though I was always the rock who stood up to bullying among my friends in high school, now as an adult, I don’t really have the capacity to deal with more subtle forms of bullying and abuse. And someone in my life has been an abusive, gaslighting bully towards me, and to a lesser extent my wife, for a very long time. Because this person was integral in my group of friends, I would have to just... bite my tongue and put up with it. Every time. But in the last year, this person got braver. This person just got used to being allowed to get away with it. It was getting worse. It was getting to the point where I was starting to have nervous breakdowns just thinking about being in the same room as this person.
But as usual, I just bit my tongue and dealt with it. Until things finally went too far. I finally asked for help. The one person in our group of friends who actually has enough influence to force this person to behave tried to help. For several weeks, I watched as this person whined and complained and fought back against any attempt to force them to treat other people with even the barest amount of basic human decency. Not even respect, or kindness. I was about ready to ask this friend to stop, because I could see how much the policing and dealing with the bully was wearing them down. And then, after several weeks, everything just... went back to how it was. The moment the policing let up, the bullying came back with a vengeance. The abuse came back, without missing a beat. And when the bully was called out, they immediately went into gaslighting damage control mode, trying to convince people that my abuse was my own fault.
That was the final straw. I’d already reached the point where I couldn’t deal with the bullying, the abuse, or the gaslighting anymore. And when it finally all hit at once, this person capped it off by proving that while there were other people who could make them stop, there was literally nothing that I could say or do, short of resorting to the same sort of abuse, to make this person just... stop.... hurting me. I just found myself saying the same thing, over and over again, and being shrieked at, so I had to say it louder to be heard. Then louder. And finally I reached a point where I realized that if I said it any louder, I would not be speaking. I would be yelling. There was nothing that I could do or say to make this person stop bullying, stop abusing, stop gaslighting... short of using abuse to do so.
And I refused. I may not have the best enunciation when under stress, in fact due to the old speech impediment, I actually do have on occasional stutter on top of everything else, a stutter that gets immensely worse when I’m flustered or upset. But I have a powerful voice. I am a cis male, and a bass at that. I grew up in a home where anger was used as a weapon far too often, and I refuse to do that to anyone else. Even an abusive, gaslighting bully. I refused to bellow this person down. I refuse to use anger, fear, or intimidation. I refuse.
So the only thing to do was to cut this person, and the bullying, abuse, and gaslighting that they had proven beyond a shadow of a doubt would never be separate from them, out of my life. Unfortunately, that meant that my social life, and subsequently my wife’s social life, was pretty much... destroyed. This person had pushed themself into just about every aspect of our social circle. And now, I couldn’t be in the same place. Which meant that most of the time, I couldn’t be with the same people. Even so, with the way that this person forces themself into things and ignores any wants/needs/desires of those around them if they don’t mesh with what they want, I’ve been having panic attacks about what would happen if this person decided to show up at a place they knew we would be. I know that my wife is innately terrified of yelling men, so if I do have a breakdown, I tend to try to find a private place so she doesn’t have to deal with it. But there have been days when she’s come home from work and asked why my voice sounded hoarse, and I’ve told her why.
On top of that, over the last few months my wife has basically been in mourning, because she rarely gets to see her best friend anymore. And a few weeks ago, we found out that my wife’s best friend just got a new job. Her dream job, one that we had been hoping that she would get, no matter how much it might suck for us to lose her. Because that job is several hours away.
We’ve been so out of touch with everything going on because of the recent social group upheaval, that we didn’t even know that another friend was moving in with her. On Saturday, we found out at the last minute that a going-away party was being thrown for her. My wife panicked. This might be her last chance to see her best friend. And, of course, my abuser was going to be there. So I couldn’t go. I was already on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about being in the same space as my abuser. She was having a breakdown because she feels like she’s been losing her best friend in slow motion over the last month, and there’s no way that her going alone without me wouldn’t cause my abuser to poke and prod and force my wife to talk about things she wouldn’t want to talk about.
I knew that either way, whether my wife went or not, we’d have to cancel the other plans we had on Saturday. She didn’t go. I spent most of the night comforting my crying wife.
The next day, I got a rather long text message from one of the people from our usual Saturday night event. It was a long, rambling (yes, even by my standards) screed asking if we really wanted to be there, since we’ve missed a few times and only told them at the last minute. I told him, as best I could, that what happened was last minute and we had no say in it. I don’t know if it was understood. I haven’t gotten a response.
And that’s when I felt it starting to hit yesterday afternoon. I don’t often deal with depression. But it was coming on. I managed to stave it off as best I could last night and took care of things around the house as best I could. There’s a pile of dishes in the sink that say I didn’t quite manage it, but c’est la guerre.
I’ve still got a lot of collating to do to get my album out. And I do want to do NaNo. But right now, I just don’t know what, or how much I can do.
But, at least I’ll end with a bit of good. I finally saw a doctor for the first time in ten years. I’ll have to wait a little bit for our HSA card to fill back up before we can afford to get me an appointment with the two specialists she recommended, but I might finally have a lead on what’s wrong with my knees. And maybe there will be ways to actually DEAL with the problem. I’ve been trying to lose some weight over the last year or so to hopefully help take stress off of my knees, (and because I have a family history of diabetes, so cutting out sugars and carbohydrates while losing weight is just generally a good preventative idea for me) and that’s actually been relatively successful.
I can’t exercise, of course, because... knees. I can’t afford more expensive, healthier food. But I can put my foot down and limit my calories. Find things that work for me. It’s not easy, because I’ve always eaten on the healthy end of cheap. I just had a huge appetite, thanks to that lovely childhood fast metabolism, and being part of a large and relatively not-financially-well off family growing up. We always had food on the table, but it wasn’t always quite enough. So I learned to wolf down what I could when I could when I was young.
So after learning what fills me up and makes me want less food, and what food is cheap, filling, and easily taken to work with me for lunch, and cutting out a shitload of unhealthy habits that I’ve picked up in the last few years, I finally had a system. My appetite was evening out. My calorie count was usually below 2000 every day. I didn’t want a crash diet, with my history of health problems that would just be asking for trouble. And a rebound. I wanted long-term healthy habits, and long-term healthy slow weight loss. And it wasn’t easy. For the first few months, I was hungry. A lot. A lot of the high-fiber or non-animal protein that was involved in the diet caused some (e.g., uncomfortably large amounts of) gas. Although I also discovered lactose-free milk and at least one brand of lactose-free cheese around that time, so my digestive problems were actually LESS difficult than they had been before. Go figure. (Also, I recently got around to seeing if Beano helped... and it totally did.)
Last summer, I went down two notches on my belt. Over the next semester, I went down two more. Since I ran out of notches on my belt, the next semester it just got slightly looser over time. Finally, a week or so before my doctor’s appointment, my wife and were out running errands when we noticed a scale next to the grocery store pharmacy. I stepped on it and I was amazed. I really had no clue just how much I’d been losing over the last year. I still don’t know exactly how much, since every scale I had access to only went up to 300 lbs. If I had to guess my weight at its highest, I would say that 320 is probably a low-end estimate. More likely in the 330-340 range. My wife is relatively small, and I was getting close to three times her mass. When I weighed myself... I was 267 lbs. Barely more than twice her mass. And by the time I had my doctor’s appointment a week later, I was down by another pound.
Needless to say, I decided to celebrate both the weight loss and the fact that I’ve had a steady paycheck for a month or so by going out and buying a new, smaller belt.
So here I am. Paralyzed by November coming. Dealing with oncoming depression, with no clue how bad it’s going to be or how long it’s going to stay. Trying to help my wife through a difficult time. Not sure if my social life is going to survive the next month. And worrying about what will happen when winter break comes around, and I don’t have income, right when my wife and I will need new tires for our cars. But I’m still standing... for a few hours at a time. And I’m still doing dishes and sweeping the floor when I can. And I have discovered one thing I enjoy doing on my feet that doesn’t irritate my knees... something I might be able to do in my garage. So I might be selling things on etsy or something like that to make a little extra money on the side.
#nanowrimo#depression#dealing with it#writing blog#writing#adult bullying#bullying#gaslighting#mental health#physical health#just generally trying to deal with my health as best I can
0 notes
Text
This post is the whole reason I have decided to write blog in the first place, I really wish I had started this when I first began to use exercise, particularly running, as a way of battling the depression I had been suffering from for over 10 years. This could either be a really long blog or I will maybe split it up, I haven’t decided yet. Either way, make a brew, get comfortable and have a read.
Depression.
So when did it start? I have always been a worrier. stressing about money, the children, my job, anything I could worry about, I did worry about to the point where I would struggle to sleep or just be miserable and tired throughout the day. I will admit that I probably wasn’t the most fun person to live with. At the time, I was living with my wife, my five year old daughter and 3 year old son in a lovely house we owned. We were just your average family. We had two cars, I worked hard while my wife was a stay at home mother looking after the children, bills were paid, cupboards full of food. Everyone seemed happy… ‘Seemed happy’ being the appropriate words.
I can’t remember the exact date but I went home from work one day to be greeted by an empty house. My wife was gone and so were the kids. All of their clothes, children’s toys and all of their other belongings had been taken. My wife’s car was no longer in the driveway and there was no explanation as to where my family had gone. This is the exact day that my world started to crash down. I didn’t have a clue where they had gone and my wife was not answering her phone. It took me nearly two weeks to find out where they had gone, but the important thing is that they were definitely gone for good. That was the end of the marriage and the breakdown of the family.
Happier times with the kids in Conwy
I was devastated. I was spending my days sitting in an empty house chain-smoking up to forty cigarettes a day in my living room and avoiding everyone including my close friends and family. As time passed I slipped further and further into the hole I was digging for myself. Bills weren’t getting paid, red letters were coming through the door demanding money on a daily basis, bailiffs were coming round to the house to take things but I just did not care, I had given up. Eventually my lovely family home was repossessed along with my car and I went to live with my brother who was kind enough to take me in even though I had neglected my family.
Jumping forward a few years, I was still living with my brother but I had nothing. It was a constant battle to see my children as my wife was trying her best to remove me from their lives and I still didn’t even know why or what I had done to cause this. Moving back to the family home with my parents was the only option I had so that I could try to get back on my feet. They gave me a roof over my head, food, and even a car but the damage had been done and I was now a broken man.
In 2014 I filed for bankruptcy as I just could not see any other way out. I knew that for the next six years I would be financially blacklisted but it put an end to the constant letters, bailiffs and mounting debt. So I was now divorced, bankrupt, I wasn’t looking after my body and once again I just did not care. I did not see a way that things would get better. I was merely existing but not actually living my life which wasn’t good for me but most importantly it wasn’t good for my children as they knew that daddy was not happy.
I spent the next few years just ‘plodding on’ with life. I wasn’t doing anything to help myself, most of my friends were mutual friends with both my ex-wife and I but now I had none so I just lived each miserable day as it came. Yes, I had the odd few good times where I would pick myself up and join a gym and say to myself that I am sick of this and need to sort things out but as soon as I was feeling better it really didn’t take much to knock me back down. It was a genuine roller-coaster fuelled by anti-depressants, but it had to end soon. Where was this ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ for me?
Although I was unhappy, I still had the kids there for me. Their little smiles cheering my up and giving me something to look forward to. So when I found out that my ex wife was moving away to the other side of the country, six hours drive away, this destroyed me, it was the last straw and… I broke. After two months off sick from work, spending literally every day and night just in my bedroom playing on my Xbox in the dark, not eating, no exercise whatsoever and struggling to sleep I really did have one of those ‘enough is enough’ moments. Yes, this has to end but I am the only one who can make it end and I need to create my own light at the end of the tunnel! I had started a course of Sertraline and counselling but it wasn’t enough.
During one of my counselling sessions I was advised to make a list of all the things I wanted to do, never thought I would be able to do but things that I could control and at least attempt. So I started my 2018 bucket list
Run my first 5k timed 5k
Run my first timed 10k
Lose weight and get down to 12 stone
Climb Snowdon, Ben Nevis and Scafel Pike
Go solo camping
Take the children on holiday
Take myself on a holiday without the children
That was my bucket list. I have always enjoyed exercise in the past but was always told that I would never be able to run because of the hip replacement. I had tried a couple of times to start running but my bouts of depression always stopped me. Not this time, I was going to do it, I was going to prove to myself that I could complete a 10k race. So I signed up to the 10k race as part of the English Half Marathon weekend in Warrington. It was nine months away so plenty of time to get prepared! I really was going to do it!
So in January 2018, I laced up my old New Balance running trainers, braved the horrendous wind and rain and ran… for approximately one kilometre. Not the best but it was a start. A few months earlier I would have given up but not this time! I refused to give up. Over the next couple of months I went out three times a week and ran the same route. Mt favourite music in my ears helping push me further and further each time. I was doing it! On March 10th 2018 I ran my first ever 5k without stopping! It was slow, it wasn’t pretty but it was 5k non-stop! I still remember feeling over the moon! I had done something I was told by doctors I would never be able to do! Which is why it was even more of a shock only a few weeks later. On March 27th I ran my first ever 10k without stopping! I was amazed at what I had achieved, if I could run 10k with hard work and dedication then why was I waiting until September to complete my first ever 10k race? The excitement and sense of achievement took hold of me. I went home and signed up to the Runthrough Tatton Park 10k race on May 5th 2018.
I am not going to pretend this was easy or that some days I didn’t feel like just giving up and calling it a day because I did. Sometimes it took every ounce of my determination to put my trainers on and brave the rain, wind and then snow and ice. I knew that once I had finished my run I would feel better.
By this time, I was already an avid user of the social media sites Twitter and Instagram, tweeting and posting under the username ‘Runhappydad’ and spending a large portion of my day talking about anything and everything running related with like minded people. After a short while I found an amazing and inspirational group of people who I chatted to regularly, they seemed to show a genuine interest in my tweets and I was definitely interested in their tweets. The motivated me more than anything could ever have done. These amazing people are Will, Kerry, Stu and Sam and I owe so much to them for their kindness, their knowledge and the way they started to gently push me into signing up for more races. By the end of April, I think I had signed up to about five 10k races.
But the one thing I will always be thankful to them for, is the fact that they knew I could do more than a 10k race by September. I still wasn’t sure but everything they said made sense and so my bucket list changed from completing my first 10k race by September 2018 to signing up to my first English Half Marathon on September 16th 2018. Yes, a half marathon… 13.1 miles of running through Warrington. I still joke now about being ‘forced’ to sign up to it but they really did have faith that I could do it. We became good friends, talking daily and they even told me that they were also going to be taking part in my first ever 10k race at Tatton Park! This made my day! Not only was I going to take part in a race I was also going to meet these people who I felt I already knew. Excitement and nerves rushed through me. Meeting new people was not something I had ever relished.
So, now that I had lots of races to train hard for, mentally I was in a great place, I could see that running was doing more for me than any medicine ever could, what else could I do? I could try to give something back to the community that had helped me so much during the difficult times. I decided to use these races as a way of raising money for the amazing mental health charity, MIND. I set up a Just Giving page, contacted MIND, posted about my challenge on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram and watched as the donations started pouring in. People who I had never met, but had followed my story on Twitter were donating their hard earned money to help me raise money for charity! It was an amazing feeling. Now there was just the small matter of completing the seven 10k races, The RUNR Miles for MIND 50 Miles in May challenge and the big one, the English Half Marathon! But I never once doubted myself.
I don’t want to go into the details of each race with this post as each race I completed meant a lot to me, so they deserve their own post. I hope that you have somewhat enjoyed reading this one as much as I have enjoyed getting everything out of my head. My aim of this post was to show people that yes, things can be bad, times can be downright awful, but there is only one person who can make things change. It is great to get help from family, friends and loved ones, but until you are ready to accept their help and work hard on your own happiness then you could end up stuck in this vicious circle of depression, feeling okay, depression, feeling okay, and so on.
Seek help, talk to someone, even if it is a complete stranger on a social media platform like Twitter, learn from others because there really is a light at the end of the tunnel if you are willing to work hard and make things happen. No one is responsible for your happiness and you are not responsible for anyone else happiness. It really is okay to be a little bit selfish sometimes and do the things that make you happy. If you are struggling to find someone to talk to then give me a shout, you can email me through this and I will always listen and chat to you. You really do not need to go through everything alone.
If there’s one last bit of advice I could give you, from my own experiences, it would be get some running shoes and get out there in the fresh air and give running a go. Join your local Park Run or local running club, meet new people, it will not be easy but the best things never are.
Not an easy one to write tonight but it felt great again to get it all out. Hope it helps just one person. Happier post next time, promise! This post is the whole reason I have decided to write blog in the first place, I really wish I had started this when I first began to use exercise, particularly running, as a way of battling the depression I had been suffering from for over 10 years.
0 notes
Text
Trying to Get Into Fitness & Health
New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/getting-healthy/trying-to-get-into-fitness-health/
Trying to Get Into Fitness & Health
A month is already passed of 2018 and you know what that means!(what?) People have already started giving up on their new year's resolutions(oh) Google claims that only 8% of people actually keep their resolutions
Which is like, the ultimate "I'm not mad just disappointed" Well I'm happy to tell YOU that I haven't dropped any of my resolutions I don't write any My family never really did resolutions Once, my dad was like "let's all write resolutions this year!" and we still didn't and then I didn't accomplish anything
For me when I want to change something I start trying to integrate it into my life right away, rather than waiting until next week, or next year, or next LIFETIME for that fresh start EVERY day is a Jaiden new year! *party horn, kazoo, as well as that annoying spinny thing* Whew! As someone who doesn't write them, and probably isn't qualified to critique the art of new year's resolutions I'm gonna toss my opinion that no one asked for into the ring! I think the main contributors to those 92% failing goals are they're too unrealistic and they're too vauge Let's stop beating around the bush and talk about the most common resolution people make Losing weight, eating healthier you know- that rabbit-hole "Lose 20 pounds by drinking this tea from a weird plant you've never heard of!" "Lose 10 pounds in 30 minutes or your pizzas free!" "Lose
your money" It's all basically just: Spongebob: -ALL RIGHT! GIVE ME THE MONEY! All those quick-fix weight-loss scams that make too good to be true claims are, just people who want your money Sure, the scale says "Hey! great job you lost seven pounds in a week!" but your body says "Yeah, but that was all just water weight, and also I don't feel very good" or AAyuasytdyafwtsfetwsfewdwtdrecwrthdrfewchtewscwszxechzewRTHJQqcfawsh3fawsqcehtgwdcerhnscfqHNSYTZRSEHNT2QD2DCTX NJYCV6FREUWQVF6ET,KDUHCQ If you want change you've got to earn it through work
There isn't an easy way out making changes in your lifestyle need to be sustainable for, life That's why they're called "Lifestyle Changes" Not "I'm gonna pay $200 for this diet shake, feel good for two weeks, lose 10 pounds! start feeling bad and give up in a month" Changes "I'm gonna start working out more" "I'm gonna start going to the gym," let's be honest with ourselves here, that's a weak excuse for a resolution "I will go on a run every other morning," "I'll lift weights 3 to 5 days a week" those are much easier to follow than, "I'll exercise more" *pSHH* get out of here with that vague crap You don't even know what you mean by that
And don't be flaky and say "oh, I missed a week, oh I'm hopeless" *sad moan of grief* NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM You're not gonna be perfect for a whole year Take a breath, chill and keep going I'm saying that to myself just as much as I am to you I've been trying to be more self-aware about when my brain just wants to turn one little mess-up into an excuse to stop something entirely I'm getting better at slowly ending that habit
I grew up doing a lot of sports Soccer, Martial Arts, Tennis, Competitive Pokémon I know my way around the gym But I dropped it all my last year of high school to focus on Youtube and art I didn't care about what I ate and combined with not moving around much I started feeling pretty crummy
So I ended up turning to what most people do when they reach a similar problem *sighs* All right, here we go *upbeat hip-hop gym music plays* Let's talk about home exercise videos Why are so many of them so fake? The weird hip-hop music and the smiles that are a bit too wide it might just be the plastic surgery, but it all makes me feel uncomfortable I get that instructors want to make exercise seem fun and all that but, ehhhhhh it feels super condescending to me How the FRIG do they do entire workouts smiling and talking and making cheesy eating pizza jokes? "All right now hold that squat -ooooh feel that burn in those quads!" "I'm smiling and articulating everything perfectly and I totally know you're panting like a dying animal over there! Don't think about that leftover pizza in the fridge!" *giggles* -"Looking at YOU Brittany!" If you're looking for good home exercise programs, I'm gonna recommend this blog I've been following for a super long time called 'Fitness Blender' Woah is that the sellout alarm?!?!? is Jaiden finally selling out?? No, turn that thing off I've never talked to Fitness Blender, they're not paying me to say this, They don't even know I exist
*groans of sadness* It's run by this nice couple (Daniel and Kelly) they're super down-to-earth and have a really healthy view on fitness and wellness You can tell they know their stuff All their exercise videos and tips are completely free, and if you want to use one of their written programs or meal plans, they're like 15 bucks *GYM HIP-HOP INTENSIFIES* and they don't have that dumb music IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE VIDEO! If you're just starting out exercise it's gonna hurt and/or suck for a bit If it doesn't you aren't gonna see changes Well okay, don't murder yourself
Be smart about it But your body is gonna complain for a while and that's good There's plenty of activities you can do! playing a sport with friends, walking your dog, a casual battle to the death -squats And respect your starting point When I first started trying to get back into working out, I was just, *gasps of exhaustion* okay, alright, got through it
TV: -"Alright, we're done with our warm up grab a quick drink of water, and we'll get right into the workout!" But just stick through the beginning, because that's literally the hardest part Raise your hand if you're sore! AHA trick question! you can't raise your arms They're jello Don't forget that exercise is only a quarter of the health journey What you eat is the biggest variable to all this life changing athlete hippy mumbo-jumbo
Eating right is like straight-up magic You feel amazing It's the closest thing to drugs that isn't drugs There's a difference between being thin, versus fit versus healthy kind of like Venn diagram style Someone could be thin, but that doesn't mean they're at all healthy
Someone could be super swollen, buff, but eat junk 24/7 and someone could be eating super healthy but not have the body of a supermodel There's a healthy range of everything I used to have a really bad relationship with eating I've talked about it before
In college I developed an eating disorder and a fear of eating food and I would go like, an entire day eating almost nothing "No Jadien!" *Slap* "you think that eating 600 calories a day is just gonna float you to all your hopes and dreams?" *M-hmm* "Nope it's just gonna give you headaches and emotional breakdowns you can trust me- I'm from the future~~~" "ALSO learn what bitcoin is and invest everything you can into it while you still can" I wish there was more information being taught on the dangers of eating disorders, Because if I knew about that whole mess 3 years ago, I would have been like "whoa!" okay? Nevermind Let's do a 180 here This ship is wack
I'm getting out of here before it controls everything in my life" You can't abuse your body and expect anything good to come from it Body: "Man I feel great! I could totally run a marathon and write an essay right now I'm so energized and my brain is so clear!" "Thanks for feeding me LITERALLY ONE GRAPE" You don't go to the gas station, pour a cup of gas into your car, and then try to drive to China
Eating less than your body needs to physically survive accomplishes nothing It might seem like it's working in the moment but honey, you've got a big storm coming Please try to end it as soon as you can I'm not at all trying to shame anyone going through rough times with their self-image I know it's a really hard thing to fight against
I was pretty far gone when I was struggling And even though I'm in a much better place now, I do still have bad days What helps me is trying to separate logical thoughts from the bad ones that fueled the irrational fears They're not here to see you succeed They're just the dumb brain versions of those tv and email scams where they're like "Hey! Give me your credit card info, social security number, and mother's maiden name and I'll give you a million dollars!" "I won't literally destroy your life, I'm just your friendly neighborhood Nigerian prince!" It's all more simple than you think
Eat healthy when you can, fresh fruit, vegetables, whole foods, and it's okay to treat yourself every once in a while Don't say: "I'm never eating sugar for the rest of my life!" You're setting yourself up for failure there And end up pulling a James Exercise as much as little as you're ready for, and be mindful and respectful about how your body feels Little changes go a long way
Remember you're doing this for you And don't play that dumb hip-hop music while you work out (music intensifies) or I SWEAR TO HERCULES I'm gonna RUN someone over with an exercise bike! Hey! It's been a while! Sorry Anyway I don't know if you've seen yet, but the finebros made a reaction video on me I've already seen it and had a reaction, but I don't think i'll be making a I react To people react to me thing I know a lot of people wanted me to do that
I enjoyed the video They said some nice things I hope you see it, and thanks to the finebros for thinking I'm someone worth reacting to *pshhh* This video took a bit longer to get done, this year's actually gonna be pretty busy, and we got some special things in the works for you in the future I'm really trying to up the quality of videos, and not die in the process I used to be super strict on uploading every two weeks, but it's really not sustainable for my mental health, or my health in general
So the videos will just be done when they're done but I care more about the quality of videos than a certain schedule, so yeah Also I hope you liked the video stick to your resolutions, keep working towards the person you want to become, and take care of yourself I'm working on all of that stuff too
okay bye!
0 notes
Text
As some of you know, from previous posts (a little bit more about me) I am a ‘doer’ and just kept going until in the end I had a breakdown. (Why do you talk about this? Some people say!! Because we should NOT sweep it under the carpet, I say, it needs to be brought out into the open. ) I am not ashamed of this, from it I learnt so much, not least reading the Tao and realising that when it comes to my mini bus of life, someone else is doing the driving!
Well this week I was reminded again of many things and I thought that I would share them with you on this sunny, warm, October afternoon:
Firstly I was told by my counsellor that as part of my recovery, and to understand myself, I had to write down everything I did every day in list form; and I mean EVERYTHING! I had to write down that I had put a load of washing into the machine, and then that I had pegged it out. That I had emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it, that I had put clothes away, fed the cats, took the dog for a walk, posted a letter, made the bed, paid a bill, made my husbands sandwiches for work, and on and on and on. ……
The reason for this was because I could not see what I had achieved. I did all of these things and would then think “right I need to get some work done now.” Or “I have not got anything done today.” When in fact when I looked at the lists that I made I had got shit-loads done!! But because I had always just kept going I no longer saw the every day things as work, or as achievements, so I loaded myself with more and more to do. (Sound familiar?!)
In fact when I first went to the Counselor she asked me what I was going to do to relax and I said paint the back of my house!!!
What made me think of this now? Well over the past few weeks I have been setting up my Etsy shop petiteFrenchfancies; and encouraged by incredible media savvy friend this has also involved linking it all together, as a brand. This blog, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Pin interest. It has involved sharing pictures of my house (people tell me that they love it and my style -but more of that in a minute.) and hours of research for the items I am selling as well as adding them to my shop. It has meant relentless promotion of myself, which I have always found alien to me (more of that in a minute) and it has all taken a lot of time. But what did I think? I haven’t got anything done!!!
You see when I sit a computer, or on my iPad (other tablets are available!) researching I think I am sitting on my arse not doing anything!! I have to stop that, and remember what my counsellor told me. Because now I have a paint shop following me on Instagram as well as some companies and I have made my first sale with a reservation as well. Not bad when you think I have only been really promoting it over the past month!!
So my message to you – write the list of everything you do in a day, from pegging the washing out, to watering the plants, and you will be shocked. Stop beating yourself up!
Secondly I have always believed that if you want something you have to focus on it and just keep working until you get it. But do you? If you are so focused on one thing how many other things are you missing that are being thrown at your head by life?! Where does your driver take you and what things does he show you, but you just ignore them because you are so focused on just achieving that one thing?
What made me think of that? I have been writing a book for some time, but clearly that is not ‘earning’ me any money. But if I don’t write it (and I have nearly finished it and sent it off to a publisher for review in the last month) and just focus on doing work that is earning me money, then it will never be published and I will never earn money from it and will just have to keep doing what I am doing because I need money!! Get it? If you just keep doing what you are doing you are always going to get what you have got!
So my mini bus driver decided that he would take me down the road of Osteoarthritis and I now have it in both my thumbs. This means that I cannot keep doing what I have been doing because my hands won’t let me. So I have continued with my Etsy shop, worked had adding photos and stories and promoting it and I have had my first sale. Do you think someone is trying to tell me something? I could have thought ‘no I need to do work that will provide money now, not in the future’, but then I would be stuck in the loop, so life took it out of my hands (literally!) and proved to me (again) that we do not always have to go on a straight road.
Thirdly, everyone who knows me will tell you that I am extremely confident person; and I am in some ways. But although people have always loved my houses, (even last week my lovely husband looked at me as I dusted and rearranged out things and said “I love how you make a house a home.”) and I have been told many times that I should go into interior design, because I have an eye for the eclectic, for some reason I have never had the confidence to believe those people.
I have always listened to the n’er do wells that have said ‘mmmmmmmm’. But last week an email popped into my in box quoting the late and wonder Dr Wayne. W Dyer. This email was about understanding how our mind can make things happen if we just believe; and then my wonderful friend Linda, who lives in America but follows me on Facebook, asked me what the letters in this picture spelt out…bliss
When I replied to her she gave me the most wonderful comment about how she would love to relax in this room. Someone was telling me something!
So, after I had received some criticism this week about my abilities, I decided that f**k it! I was going to believe in me and what I was able to achieve; and I went ahead and did what I thought was right.I closed my eyes and I said ‘ I believe in me.’ since then things have took off. …..
I now have over two hundred followers on my blog, and they are growing all the time from all over the world, and from my various sites; as are my followers on Instagram, and my shop has now had just under 300 views. Many friends have also shown support and encouragement (and a big shout out to Karen for that one!) My mini bus driver stopped and picked Ms Livermore up, so that she could help me believe in myself, and then others have joined in as well. Someone is definitely trying to tell me something.
And then finally today. Today I opened a message in messenger that was explaining about the negative things we say every day that impact on our subconscious and therefore how we approach life; how the words actually act like blockers and stop good things coming through. For example how many times do you say:
‘I have to……’
Do you? Do you really HAVE to? Or do you want to? That is something entirely different. If you HAVE to then is your subconscious saying that really you don’t want to?
“I have to go to the shop to get milk.” No you don’t! You can choose not to go, but then you can’t have a cup of tea with milk, but you don’t HAVE to, you want to because you want tea with milk!
I have read this to Rich and now he picks me up every time I say it – see! Because I am a doer!! And he is right I must (oops not must!) I need (oops I don’t need!) I mean it is beneficial to me to understand that I choose to do what I do, and if I choose not to do it I will probably get it done a lot quicker than if I keep telling myself that I must!
“I HATE that it gets dark earlier now.” Do you really hate it? Seriously or do you just wish that the evenings were lighter for longer?
“I would NEVER do that” I know what my book is about, and I can tell you that you can say never if you like but until you are there, you just don’t know and will probably surprise yourself!
I thought that I would share this with you all, because I know that some people will really think about what I have said, and then apply it to their lives, and I am confident that they will benefit from it. But then there will be the ones that don’t but hey ho, I tried!
So my message to you this fine afternoon is from Lao Tzu and the 57th verse of the Tao
‘Let go of fixed plans and concepts,
and the world will govern itself
How do i know this is so?
Because in this world,
the greater the restrictions and prohibitions,
the more people are impoverished………’
‘I take no action and people are reformed ….’
‘If I keep from imposing on people
they become themselves.’
Have a good week – and please share and comment, or rate this post, I really do love all feedback, it means I have touched an emotion and as an aspiring writer – that is all I need!!
Moisy
Many moons ago I was told to do something…..Perhaps we should all do it! As some of you know, from previous posts (a little bit more about me) I am a 'doer' and just kept going until in the end I had a breakdown.
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
internshipbucket
Internship Journal
babyapricotpalacetree-blog
Sem título
sbalworld
SBAL on the world
kaikunn1229
NOTEBOOKS
yamazakishiki
夜間飛行