Not My Sister's Keeper Pt. 3
Roman X OC(Kara)
Jey Uso X OC (Tia)
Rating: 18+
Warning: Smut; sex, fluff, couple arguing, Jealousy, infidelity, pregnancy
Roamn’s wife recently left medical school and returned home to save her marriage. Upon her return, she finds out things are not what they seem. Her sister is pregnant by her best friend Jey Uso, who is also Roman’s cousin, and her husband is acting suspicious.
What happens when a conversation overhead on a baby monitor blows her world apart?
Kara's Parent's Guest House
Kara's POV
“What the hell do you mean your water broke!” I exclaimed as Tia screamed in pain.
Is this really happening, she’s in labor.
Switching to auto pilot I helped Tia over to the couch to lay down .
“Are ya’ll alright down here I saw Jey leaving and he looked upset?” my dad asked pausing at the door.
“She’s in labor, call an ambulance,” I said as my dad called 911.
“Where is mom? I need her,” Tia moaned as dad held her hand.
“She had to go get your brother, his flight just got in,” dad said as I tried to time Tia’s contractions.
“Another one is coming!” Tia screamed as I frowned. That was too close to be having contractions.
“How long have you been hurting?” Dad asked as Tia grunted through another contraction.
“Since this morning but I wanted to have my baby shower, it wasn’t as intense earlier.” She moaned shook my head.
“You always do stuff that don’t make sense! Ugh,just breath and lay back until the ambulance comes,” I said trying to put aside my differences for the moment.
Logan being born safely was all I cared about at that moment.
“I feel like I need to push!” she cried as I reached down to check her and felt the top of the baby’s head.
This bitch really done sat here in labor all fuckin’ day….
“My daughter said she feels like she has to push, should she do it?” my dad asked putting the phone on speaker.
“Dad the baby’s coming I can feel the top of her head,” I said, totally overwhelmed as Tia screamed in pain.
This had to be some cruel joke…I’m really about to deliver Roman’s baby…His baby with my sister…
“Ok, looks like this baby ain’t waiting, I’m going to need you to get some towels, scissors and something to tie around the umbilical cord. There is a traffic jam, and we are about thirty minutes out,” the operator said my heart began to race.
“This isn’t happening right now,” I whispered trying to help Tia get comfortable as dad gathered the needed items.
“I’m so sorry Kara,” Tia cried as I tried to keep my emotions bottled up but couldn’t stop my tears.
“Look, Logan needs your help. You gotta push with all you got,” I whispered trying to keep my mind on what was important right now.
“Here is the stuff,” dad said placing the items beside me as we waited for nature to take its course.
“When the baby comes out, I need someone to tie that string about a half an inch up before you cut the umbilical. Now when another contraction hits, I need mama to push as hard as she can,” the operator said as we all listened intently to her not wanting to miss anything.
“Here it comes. Ahhh!” Tia screamed pushing with all her might as my niece’s head eased into my hands.
“Oh, I got her head, it’s out!” I cried. “Come on and push Tia!” I shouted, as she screamed pushing once again.
“It’s burning! Get her out! Please, get her out!” she yelled and with one final push, my niece made her entrance into the world, but there was no noise….. No crying.
“She’s out,” my dad cried to the operator as I tied off the cord as instructed and cut the umbilical cord in a hurry.
“Why isn’t she crying?” Tia whimpered as I tried not to panic.
“Come on Logan…… Breath baby,” I whispered trying to clear her airway, gently rubbing her back but she wasn’t moving.
“Kara, what’s happening!” My dad yelled as I began CPR.
“It’s my karma for everything I’ve done!” Tia cried as I tuned her out. This was about Logan right now, not her fucking guilt.
“Breathe, Logan. Come on, breathe for Tee Tee,” I begged blowing air into her tiny mouth.
“Ya’ll please hurry the baby’s not beathing,” my dad pleaded as I took two fingers and began compressions counting in my head.
“Logan, mommy loves you. Please……. Just breathe.”
Once again, I blew some air into her tiny lungs. The powerful cry that spilled from her lips, lifted my heart as she wailed, her little face scrunched up as her tiny hands moving against my face.
“That’s it baby girl, breathe,” I cried, wrapping her up in the blanket, before placing her on Tia’s chest.
“My baby…… My Logan,” Tia cried as a momentarily wave of relief washed over me, Logan was ok.
“Ambulance is almost here, you did so good baby,” my dad said as I nodded moving away from my sister and niece.
I felt the walls closing in as I observed her with the baby. That was my dream, and she took it from me.
“Kara, look at her,” Tia whispered as they did skin to skin.
“I see her, she’s beautiful” I whispered as my dad kneeled beside her.
Her tiny face, a mirror image of her daddy’s baby picture that proudly hung up in our home.
I turned away as the EMT’s came in, wiping my tears. I needed to leave, and in a hurry, this was too much.
I turned back around to watch the EMT’s check over my niece. I had to be sure before I left.
“Baby’s vitals are good, and lungs are clear. Now we need to check mom, can someone take the baby for a few minutes,” one of the EMT’s asked as Tia looked at me.
“Take her Kara, she needs her auntie,” she whispered as I shook my head in shock and disbelief.
“Was she serious? She really was trying to manipulate me to hold the baby….
“I can’t and you know why Tia…..” I whispered as she wiped her tears.
“We can put this behind us, please….. Kara, just hold her, please…Just look at her, she needs you in her life,” Tia pleaded as I sick to my stomach at her weak attempt to manipulate me.
I couldn’t do it, I would never be able to look at that tiny little face and not see my husband and my sister’s betrayal.
“She doesn’t need me….She needs her dad, and I hope you allow Roman a chance to be that,” I said looking at my niece.
“Roman?” What are you talkin’ about sweetheart?” my dad asked as I smiled sadly at him.
“I’m sure when everything settles, they will explain it, I just can’t right now.” I whispered, giving him a hug. I was done with it all. I then leaned over and kissed my niece gently on the forehead.
“I love you Logan, always remember that,” I whispered as she opened her eyes and looked directly at me.
“Kara, I’m so sorry,” Tia cried as ignored her and left.
Walking back to my car I felt numb, and I knew nothing would ever be the same again.
----
Roman’s & Kara’s Home
Roman’s POV
“Where the fuck is she?” I muttered pacing the living room. I hadn’t heard from Kara in hours and now I couldn’t get Tia either.
Had Kara heard us on the baby monitor?…God, I hoped not, I wanted to tell her for myself.
“You really fucked everything up, all you had to do was kick her out of your room that night,” I whispered to myself pouring me a shot of brandy.
11 Months ago
“You said you understood Roman and that we would make time for each other,” Kara said as I felt the tension between us building.
“I do, I just didn’t think it would be this hard to be without you,” I said peering through the door at Tia getting into the bottom bunk.
She had come to me after her match and said her ride had left early and asked could she ride with me to the next city.
I saw no harm in it, so I told her sure. I didn’t tell Kara though; I knew they fell in and out too much and I didn’t want to cause no argument.
“Are you still coming to spend the week with me next week?” Kara asked as I smiled.
“Yea, I’m taking the jet after my last house show. Maybe you can show be around up there,” I said as she smiled brightly at me.
“I would love to,” she said with a yawn.
“A’ight I kept you up long enough, go to bed and dream about me,” I said as she blushed.
“I always do, love you,” she whispered as I smiled. “Same here beautiful, and I love you more. Call me after you get outta class in the morning,” I said as we said our goodbyes.
Turning off the light, I went to bed but sometime later I felt the other side of the bed dip beside me. Startled, I turned over and there lying next to me was Tia…..Naked.
“What you doin’ in here Tia?” I asked as she straddled my waist, a strangled moan escaped my lips as her bare pussy rubbed against my dick.
“Giving you what you’ve been missing,” she moaned slowly moving against me as I groaned stilling her hips.
“Don’t do that, you know I’m with Kara.”
“She isn’t here, and I know you need it Roman. I won’t tell, I promise,” she whispered her face mere inches from mine, my heart racing as I saw for the first time how much she really did favor Kara.
“We can’t,” I moaned as she slowly stroked my dick.
“Yes, we can,” she moaned against my lips, placing my dick at her entrance slowly takin it until I was buried to the hilt.
“Fuck, we can’t,” I hissed as she began to bounce slowly with a smirk. “Then stop me,” she moaned, as my eyes closed in pleasure as she bounced.
Giving in, I gripped her hips meeting her thrusts as she screamed.
“Mmm, yes! That’s what I wanted,” she moaned as I willed my eyes open to look at her as she bounced on my dick with a purpose.
“Kara! Fuck!” I moaned as Tia smirked. “Oh…..So, you want me to be Kara, huh?” she asked.
“Tia, this is a mistake, we gotta stop,” I rasped, sitting up as she kissed me again.
“It’s ok….I promise…I’ll be Kara for you…I’ll be whatever you need me to be Roman.” she moaned and in that moment there was no turning back.
And that was the first encounter….On my bus, fantasizing she was Kara as we had sex.
“I’m so fuckin’ stupid,” I growled truly regretting my choices. Picking up my phone, I called Kara with it once again, no answer.
“Kara where you at baby?”
Kara’s POV
With a heavy heart I stared at the home Roman, and I’ve shared as husband and wife for five years. The bus where a lot of his infidelity took place, parked beside the garage made my stomach turn.
Anger radiating off of me, I reached into my bag and pulled out the knife I had brought with me earlier to cut Tia’s cake.
“I decorated this fuckin bus and I picked out this motherfucka,” I quietly hissed to myself, stabbing the tires one by one, leaving one untouched. “Had her slutty ass up in here,” I muttered, failing to reel in my emotions, I was too hurt but I knew I needed to calm down.
“Get it together Kara, calm down and just see if he’s going to tell you,” I muttered giving myself a pep talk.
I put the knife back in my bag, laying it down beside the bus before I went around to the side door. As I went into the kitchen, I spotted him pacing in the living room sipping on a glass of Brandy.
“Nasty son of a bitch,” I muttered, taking a deep breath before I made my way into the living room.
“Kara, I was worried baby, where you been?” Roman asked sitting down his drink as I cleared my throat, walking a little closer to him.
“Um, I was at my parents, then Tia stopped by with Jey,” I said staring a hole through him as was oblivious.
“Oh….Well, you could have returned my calls or texts baby, I thought something had happened. I’m glad you were at your folks though,” he said nervously as I gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes.
“I was busy….Tia went into labor, Roman,” I said watching his facial expressions. He looked excited then cleared his throat stopping himself.
This asshole, how could I have been so fuckin’ dumb?”
“Uh, did everything go ok?” he asked, trying to be indifferent as I nodded.
“Well, Tia had a trying afternoon. The ambulance didn’t make it in time, so I had to deliver the baby, but they’re both fine,” I said casually as Roman seemed shocked but happy.
“You….You delivered the baby? That is crazy,” he said as I nodded in agreement.
“Yea, it was crazy..Damn near like I was in the twilight zone,” I said studying his body language, knowing at any moment I was going to fucking snap.
“Wow that’s great, little Logan is here,” he whispered, a small smile etched on his face before he slipped back into his stoic expression.
“Yes, she’s here, so congratulations Roman…..You and my sister have a beautiful, healthy baby girl,” I said calmy as his looked at me as if I had shot him in the heart.
The disbelief on his face as he processed the fact that I knew his secret was something I will never forget.
Taking a deep breath and exhaling, he bent down placing his hands on his knees, he looked sick honestly.
“What’s wrong Roman? You look like you can’t breathe.”
“Kara”
“What you gotta say?…Kara, what!?” I yelled trying to keep my tears at bay, backing away as he reached for me.
“W- Who told you? Was it Tia?” Roman asked as I chuckled at the gall of him.
“You both told me actually,” I said, his eyes widening in realization.
“The bab-……You heard us on the baby monitor.” He stammered, his eyes full of unshed tears.
“Yea, imagine my surprise to find out my husband is not only sleeping with my sister but got her pregnant. Damn, we’re a fucked-up Steve Wilkos episode waiting to happen,” I said, my voice full of sarcasm.
Honestly, it was that or being a hysterical mess, but I was well on my way to losing my shit.
“I’m so sorry Kara, I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please, believe me baby,” Roman pleaded as I felt my heart breaking even more.
“You’re sorry you got caught! Like who are you?!” I cried as he lowered his head in shame.
“Just tell me what I can do to make it right please?” Roman pleaded as I looked at him in disbelief as he sank to his knees pulling me to him, burying his head against my stomach, his arms holding me tight.
“Let me go Roman,” I whimpered trying to unlock his arms from around my waist as he held me tighter.
“No baby, I can’t let you go…Just tell me what you need, I’ll do anything. What do you need me to do?” Roman begged as tears fell from his eyes.
“What do I need you to do?” I sobbed, prying his hands from around my waist.
“Yes, what do you need?…..Please, Just tell me what can I do to help us get through this, I love you.” Roman pleaded holding my hands in his, still on his knees, his remorseful gaze, pulling at my heartstrings but there was no coming back from this…Ever.
“Well, I’ll tell you, Roman…I’ll tell you what you can do for me,” I said as he waited with bated breath, his eyes pleading for forgiveness.
“You can go straight to hell,” I said calmy, snatching my hands away, leaving him in the living room, my mind on autopilot.
“Kara…Kara! Don’t do this,” I heard him plead as I walked into our bedroom ripping the comforter off the bed.
“I don’t want you here!” I shouted as Roman stood at the doorway looking almost scared to come in our bedroom…As he fucking should be.
“Kara, calm down.” Ignoring him, I ripped the fitted sheet off the bed laying it out on the floor. I wanted…No, needed him out of here before I did something I will regret.
“Let’s just talk please, I never meant to hurt you.”
“What is the point? It ain’t nothing else to talk about, you had a baby with my sister!” I exclaimed, grabbing some of his clothes out of the closet, throwing them on top of the sheet.
“I know I fucked up bad, but this can’t be it,” Roman said as I grabbed a couple pair of his shoes throwing them on top of his clothes.
“All these fuckin’ shoes, what you trying to do, start a shoes company? If you put this much effort into this marriage as you do shit like this, we wouldn’t be here now!” I ranted as Roman grabbed my hands.
“I do care about us! I know I hurt you baby, and I know how much you love me-” Roman started as I snatched away, slapping the fuck outta him.
“I obviously don’t know you Roman!” I cried, moving around the room throwing what I could of his on top of the sheet.
“You do know me, I’m your husband! You didn’t do anything wrong baby, I fucked up-” Roman said, his words stopping me in my tracks.
“You don’t think I did anything wrong? Really…Really….Marrying a selfish asshole and believing in him, when he obviously didn’t deserve it!” I shouted.
“Baby-”
“Putting off my MEDICAL SCHOOL plans for you!” I cried, really pissed thinking about the sacrifices I made for our marriage.
“Aye, I didn’t make you leave school in Boston,” he said pissing me off even more.
“Nah, you right you…I did that because you made it seem like it was an inconvenience for our marriage, and I wanted to be with my husband and save my marriage.
“I wanted that too!” Roman shouted as I scoffed. “No, you didn’t because you were too busy fucking my sister. That’s why you could never come see me in Boston,” I said as Roman rubbed his temples in frustration.
“Kara, It only happened a couple times and I am so sorry, if I could take it ba-”
“It should have never happened! I screamed, slapping him again, causing him to stagger as he Rubbed the side of his face.
“Just let me explain, please, I love you,” he whispered taking me in his arms, grasping my chin, trying to get me to look at him.
“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!!.............And I never will again,” I whimpered, snatching away from Roman.
“You don’t mean that Kara.”
Ignoring him, I tied the ends of the sheets together, making a makeshift suitcase, throwing it over my shoulder, and walked out of our bedroom.
“Kara, don't do anything rash," Roman said as I made my way through the house, the makeshift suitcase thrown over my shoulder, only stopping to pick up his bottle of Brandy, and lighter before storming out the house.
The look of shock on his face as he saw the flattened tires on the bus was almost comical.
“Too late, I already did,” I said pointing at the flat tires as he sighed.
“Look, I don’t care about the tires, Let’s just go back in the house. I just wanna make sure you’re ok and then I’ll leave Kara.”
“Oh…You wanna make sure I’m ok? Well……Let’s see, in the course of a damn day I’ve lost my sister who wasn’t much of a sister to begin with anyway, my husband and my pride,” I said as Roman stepped closer to me.
“Baby, you ain’t lost your sister or me.”
“Don’t!……Don’t patronize me!" I yelled, throwing his clothes in the middle of the driveway, and dousing them with the bottle of Brandy, before going back over to my bag, pulling out a can of spray paint.
“What you doin’ wit that Kara?” Roman asked as I scoffed at him.
“I helped design this fuckin’ bus, and you out here fuckin’ dat bitch in it! You got me fucked up!” I yelled spray-painting the words “Adulterer" and "cheater” across the side.
“You takin’ it too far, Kara! First the tires, and now this!” Roman yelled finally snapping, grabbing the can from me as I pushed him away.
“Oh, I ain’t took it far enough, Roman," I said reaching in my pocket, igniting his clothes and shoes on fire with his own lighter.
“Got Damn it, now that’s it!..Let’s go in the house before somebody calls the police!” Roman yelled, trying to carry me back in the house as I fought against him.
“Put me down! Put me down Roman, I hate you!” I screamed as he continued to carry me towards the house.
“Will you calm the fuck down!”
Jey’s POV
“Uce, what you gon do?” Jimmy asked as we drove towards roman’s house.
“I want some answers,” I said as my twin brother tried to talk me in to going back to his house.
“I just think you need to calm down first. I don’t need you doing anything that you may regret.”
“They played me, Uce…Like really planned all dat shit,” I said in disbelief as Jimmy turned off the highway.
“I don’t see Roman doing that. I think he just got caught up in not wanting to lose Kara, so he kept quiet,” Jimmy said as I rolled my eyes.
“He still shoulda’ told me what was up. I been at doctor appointments, ultrasounds, getting attached to a baby that ain’t even mine!” I hissed.
“I know that, but can we just go over there tomorrow. I know Kara and Roman have a lot to talk about.”
“She ain’t deserve this, big Uce didn’t have to do her like dat,” I said remembering the pain in her eyes as she confronted Tia.
“Have you tried calling her?” Jimmy asked as I shook my head. “Another reason I wanna check on her, I need to lay eyes on her and make sure she good,” I said as Jimmy sighed in defeat.
“A’ight you know I’m wit you. Just don’t do nothing that could send our asses to jail,” Jimmy warned.
“I’ll try but I ain’t making no promises…..Plus, who would call the cops he ain’t got no neighbors for miles.” I said noticing smoke as we neared their house.
“What the hell?..... Is that them?!”Jimmy yelled as I jumped outta the car before he could put it in park, running toward Roman who had a struggling Kara in his arms.
“Aye, let her go!” I yelled, grabbing Roman and making him release Kara in the process as he turned to face me. All I saw was red, and swung connecting with his Jaw.
I saw Jimmy out the corner of my eye reach for Kara, moving her out of the way as I tackled Roman to the ground punching him over and over in the face.
“Fight back!” I yelled releasing my frustration as Roman hit me with an uppercut pushin’ me off of him as I stood up and kicked him in the ribs.
“Get yo’ ass up! I ain’t done!”
“I ain’t tryin’ to fight you, Uce!” Roman yelled as I kicked him one last time before Jimmy grabbed me.
“That’s enough, Uce, let him up,” Jimmy said as Roman coughed struggling to get up, wiping the blood from his mouth.
Kara’s POV
Good, somebody beat his ass….He deserved it.
“I never mean for this shit to happen,” roman said as Jey struggled against Jimmy.
“Why didn’t you tell me? You let her play me!” Jey hissed as Roman looked at me.
“What you lookin’ at me for, you had that shit coming.”
“I didn’t know how to tell ya’ll and I didn’t want to lose you, Kara,” Roman whispered as I turned to walk away, not wanting to even look at him anymore.
“Oh, so now you just gon’ walk away after calling Jey over here to attack me,” Roman accused as I stilled in my steps.
“Kara, ain’t called me, I came to check on her,” Jey said as Roman laughed.
“Of course you did, you just ready to make a move on her,” Roman said as I heard Jey snarl.
“Nah, that’s some shit you would do…I mean you did fuck her sister, didn’t you?” Jey said as I winced at his words.
“I said I was sorry, and ya’ll won’t even give me a chance to explain. Between you attackin’ me, Kara destroying and burnin’ my sh-”
“You deserved it and you should be happy that’s all I did!….. But does me doing that really hurt you, Roman?” I asked walking back towards him.
“Kara-”
“The bus…..Your clothes …. Your shoes….It’s just stuff, Roman……Stuff that you replace or fix with the snap of your fingers, whenever you feel like it.” I said sadly truly trying to get him to understand the damage he has casued.
“Just look at her, Uce. Give her some space,” Jimmy said as Roman sighed in defeat.
“Fine, I’ll leave for now…. But I’m not letting you go Kara,” Roman said as I turned and walked back into the house, not saying another word.
Roman’s POV
I’ll never forget the look on her face …I didn’t know her anymore and I caused the hurt and change in her. Looking at the bus and torched clothes, I knew I deserved it.
Thankfully, Jimmy was attempting to put out the fire with the hose as I looked at Jey.
“Damn, she torched dat shit,” Jimmy said continuing to douse the fire with the water as Jey looked me up and down before heading toward the house.
“Where the fuck you goin’?” I asked, more angry with myself, than Jey. The thought of him comforting her, knowing deep down how he really feels about her has me on edge.
He didn’t respond to my question; he only shook his head continuing to walk towards my house.
“Don’t get too comfortable Jey…… Kara’s still my wife and I ain’t letting her go without a fight.” I warned as Jey scoffed, still refusing to turn around and look at me.
“Shouldn’t you be at the hospital taking care of your new family?” Jey said walking in the house and slamming the door.
“You good to drive, Uce?” Jimmy asked as I nodded.
“Yea, I’m going to see my daughter, and then I’ll be back.” I said making my intentions very clear.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Kara needs some space,” Jimmy said as looked at the bus.
“Oh, I’mma give her all the space she needs…. I’m gon' just crash on the bus until we go back on the road. I'll call the company tomorrow to get everything fixed," I said as Jimmy sighed.
“Uce, I don't think staying on the bus is a good idea…Just grab a room or go to your folks.”
“I can’t uce, this is my home and my wife is in there…….I ain’t going nowhere, this is where I belong,” I said getting in my truck.
“A’ight, you just ain’t gon’ rest until she light dat damn bus on fire wit yo dumbass in it.”
“It’s just a chance I gotta take….. I can’t lose her.”
She’ll forgive me… I have to believe that, we’ve been through too much.
Jey’s POV
As soon as I went in the house I saw Kara sitting on the couch in a daze. The look of hurt adorning her beautiful face made me want to go back out there and whoop his ass again.
Hearing Roman speed out the driveway, I went to sit beside her.
“He’s gone,” I whispered as she nodded wiping away her tears as I sighed pulling close as she sobbed.
Damn him for doing this to her…. I could take it; I had no emotional ties really to Tia…. only the baby and I didn’t even have that anymore.
“I was outta control…I don’t know what came over me,” Kara whispered as I sighed.
“Your hurt and you have a right to be.”
“I thought I could, but I can’t stay here,” Kara said as I nodded in understanding looking at all their pictures on the wall.
“Kayla, you ain’t got to stay here…. Come home with me,” I offered as we sat in silence for a few minutes, no words spoken as I waited with bated breath for her answer.
“I’ll go with you,” she whispered finally as I sighed in relief, pulling her closer, kissing her gently on the forehead.
The fallout from Roman and Tia’s betrayal was just getting started and I knew it was about to get ugly, but Kara wasn’t going to have to go through this alone…
I’m here and I don’t give a damn who doesn’t like it.
One thing I knew for sure, Tia was gon' have to see Kara and Roman was gon' have to see me...
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Left of Bang
Characters: Captain Syverson & female you, OC parents
Summary: You’re used to holding up the world for your family. But what happens when you need someone to hold up the world for you?
Warnings: angst, reference to terminal illness, dying parent, hospital scene
Word Count: 2,400 ish
A/N: this is marginally autobiographical; my dad was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. As the oldest daughter, unmarried/no kids, helping out my parents has frequently fallen to me - never more so than over the last year. And I’m happy to do it! I see it as my vocation. But there are days when the world is so. Damn. Heavy. If only I really did have Sy here to hold me on those days… Also - many hugs and thank yous to my bestie and beta @thesassywallflower for giving this a review for me.
~~~~~
There are people that being in hospitals doesn’t bother ‘em. I’m not one of those.
It’s always been crazy to me that all hospitals smell the same. Even out in the desert, that same smell came through while carrying stretchers in or visiting my boys. Antiseptic, heavy duty cleaner, and bandages. And something else - I call it the “stress scent”. Sleepless staff, worried families, they all got it. Almost smells like sweat, but not quite.
Being here…the smell, the sounds, keeps trying to drag my brain back to memories I don’t want to see. Standing in hallways dimmer and dustier than these, repeating to every medical person what happened to my soldier. Why can’t they just write it down? Save a dude from having to relive it over and over.
“And when did the symptoms begin?” The soft voice was kind, but I felt my guts flinch at the question. The same question she’d answered about a hundred fuckin’ times.
“About a month ago, we noticed him shuffling his feet when he walked. Last week, he started losing mobility on his left side. He went to see his doctor, they ordered tests. They called him last Tuesday and told him to go to the ER because they suspected he was having a stroke. And he’s been here for the last 4 days since they transferred him here after finding the brain tumor.”
The latest specialist nodded as he spoke, his pen scratching as he hustled his handwriting to keep up. Then there was another exam of her dad, more questions, what prescriptions does he take. Now, I’m sure that this doctor, a kidney specialist, is an observant pro. They gotta be, right? But he’s only lookin’ at her dad. Which is good and right; he’s the patient, after all. Sometimes, he turns and includes her mom in the talkin’. Pats mom’s shoulder when her chin starts to tremble.
Nobody’s lookin’ at my girl but me, though.
She’s got that look. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a hundred times - that numb kinda fatigue soldiers learn to fight through. The kind of stress that lives up high in your chest, squeezin’ the top of your lungs and leaves your eyes burning. Puts you on a weird type of auto-pilot - you look and sound plugged in because you’re working so hard to look that way. But it’s survival mode, all the same.
She started to get up out of her chair - I knew she wanted to offer it to the doctor when he leaned against the wall - but I kept her sittin’ with a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t look up at me as she listened to the doc, but her cold fingers reached up to squeeze mine. I glanced around the room as I listened - a habit of too many years for me to quit now. Her mama sat sad and tragic-lookin’, wringing her hands. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a woman do that until everything went to shit with Papa C. Mama C crumpled like a paper bag - she couldn’t handle even the simplest task without looking to my girl.
My gaze moved to Papa C. The man had aged 20 years in a couple’a days. Cancer’s a bastard. He listened to the doctor, but with the brain tumor and diabetes messin’ him up, I don’t know how much he’s tracking on everything. More tests ordered, surgery comin’ soon, and then goodbyes got the new doc out the door.
Despite my snacking, my belly growled right in her ear from where I stood behind her. Shit.
“Dad, I think we’re going to head home. Are you set for now until morning?” Up and moving again. Swear to God, she’s like an exhausted Energizer Bunny on the last bit of a cocaine high. I couldn’t stop my jaw from clenching as I watched her gather up the ziploc bags from her mama’s lap. She glanced at me once as she pitched the uneaten sandwich and crackers into the trash - she’d made all of us a lunch to try and stop the spending. Hospital life for families ain’t cheap, and cafeteria food got old real fast. My sweet li’l Hummingbird even went to the trouble of toasting my sandwich bread ‘cause she knows I like it, and crammed so many crackers in my bag the corner of one poked a hole in it. She’d eaten her own like she was gettin’ paid for it, even managed a few crackers. But her water bottle sat barely touched, and she hadn’t even opened the candy bar I got her from the vending machine bandit down the hall.
That’s the thing about soldiers - they learn to do enough to survive. More than that is just damn hard to do.
There’s a concept we learn in officer training called “Baseline + Anomaly = Decision”. Basically, you learn the ‘usual’ about your environment or person you’re with - that becomes your baseline. Then, you watch for any changes - anomalies. If the anomalies are a big enough issue, then you gotta choose a course of action - decision. And this concept is critical ‘cause you wanna keep you and your soldiers left of bang - before a bad thing happens. After the bad thing happens, now you’re right of bang and fucked.
Anybody else would look at my Hummingbird and not see anomalies. She’s up and movin’, walkin’, talkin’, doing her thing. Looking all kinds of like ‘baseline’. But I’m not anybody. And she’s given off anomalies fit to sink an Abrams “Beast” tank.
As Mama C started fluttering around the bed, I gathered up all her paraphernalia - the woman didn’t travel light. Hummingbird’s cheery voice reached me as I turned to watch her smack a kiss to Papa C’s forehead, rubbing his bristly bald head gently before she started trying to herd her mama towards the door.
“Well, Papa C, I’m gonna get your girls home. What contraband you want me to smuggle you in tomorrow?”
The older man smiled like I hoped as he told me, “a medium-well steak, Sy. Make it a sirloin strip.”
“10-4, sir.” I patted his shoulder and started to stand straight when he tapped my belly with the back of his hand. He glanced once towards the door where his daughter stood steamrolling his wife into her walker-wheelchair combo thing before he looked up at me.
“You take good care of her, alright?”
I leaned in close, wanting to reassure him. “You don’t worry about your wife, sir. I’m happy to watch out for her.”
He nodded once, glancing again at the women. “Thank you. But I don’t mean her.” His gaze was serious - almost a little sad - when he looked back up at me. “Beth has always leaned too hard on our oldest, and my little cupcake hasn’t always said no to her mama the way she should. I know she’s doing too much. She needs somebody to look after her.”
Seems a brain tumor and kidney failure couldn’t stop the former military man’s eagle eyes. I squeezed his shoulder, lowering my voice to just us.
“It will be my honor, sir.”
He rested back against the pillow, like I took a load off his mind. “You’re a good man, Sy.”
Mama C cried the whole drive back to her house. Thank the Lord that Hummingbird’s 7 year old brother was staying with a friend. She gave Mama C stern marching orders to eat, take her meds, go to sleep, and be ready to roll at 8:30am tomorrow morning. The minute we got in my truck, she went loose and quiet like somebody’d cut her strings. My lungs squeezed my chest tight as I realized - my little bird felt safe with me. Safe enough to stop fightin’ to survive.
The bright lights of the kitchen couldn’t hide her pallor. I helped her ditch her shoes onto the “HazMat mat” we’d relegated our germy soles to for decon each day, then urged her onto a barstool. In minutes, I had a pan of scrambled eggs and ham going. As an afterthought, I chucked in a couple handfuls of spinach. Vitamin A or potassium or some shit, but it was green and good for her. I wrapped up a hearty serving in a tortilla with a healthy dose of cheddar and handed her a plate.
“Hummingbird, why don’t you go take a shower? Or a good soak?” I watched her eat mechanically, that numb fatigued survival mode trying to kickstart up again.
“I will. Just gotta do the shoes and call Louise.” Her sister kept up a regular stream of texts and FaceTimes, but living 250 miles away with four kids and a husband working two jobs, she just couldn’t be here.
“Shoe duty is mine. Why don’t you text Lou the latest deets and tell her you’ll call in the morning?” There it was - that smile I loved. Just a hint of it, but I’ll take it.
“Did you actually use the word ‘deets’?”
I let my own smile stretch wide, pleased as punch when hers got bigger. “Damn straight, I did. ‘Cause I’m a cool ass grown up.”
She snorted around a mouthful of eggs, rolling her eyes as she scooped up her phone and hopped to the floor. “Alright, Captain, I hear you loud and clear.”
Even the simplest kiss she smacked on my face made my skin tingle. She didn’t see me smiling at her as she turned the corner for the master bath.
The minutes ticked by faster than I realized, and a quarter hour later, the shoe soles were Lysol’d and my emails were caught up. I could hear the shower as I made the hall, but when I sat on the bed and my shirt hit the floor, my heart went right along with it. Hummingbird wasn’t in the shower. She was sat on the bathroom floor, head back against the cabinet, just starin’.
That survival mode, all that endurance, had quit on her.
I squatted down in front of her, givin’ her space but lettin’ her feel my presence as I reached down and took her hands. Those fingers lay limp in mine - not even a squeeze.
“Talk to me, Hummingbird.”
Deep breath in and out - her movements so slow and heavy, it was like watching her underwater.
“I’m ok.”
I slid my hands into her hair, cupping the base of her skull, and rubbed the bones the way she loved. She sagged even looser into my grasp.
“You don’t have to be.”
Anomalies. Her swallow suddenly all tight. The way the left corner of her mouth quirked down a bit. Her bottom lip trembled. So, I decided on a course of action. I sat down cross-legged on the floor, pulled her into my lap, and hugged her up tight to me.
Left of bang.
She broke to pieces in my arms. Face in my neck, hands squeezing my shoulders fit to pinch, and cryin’ so hard my own eyes burned. And I couldn’t do a damn thing but hold her.
The shower kept on runnin’, but the water bill could go to hell. I ignored the steam as I rocked my girl, stroking her over and over. I wasn’t gonna tell her ‘everything will be fine, it’s ok’ when it sure as shit was not. So I just told her the truth for the now.
“I’m here, Hummingbird. I’m here. I’ve got you. I’ve got you, sweetheart.” At first, I wasn’t sure she could hear me, she was cryin’ so hard. It didn’t matter. I just kept on saying it - her heart was gonna hear it.
Coulda been 5 minutes, coulda been an hour, but those cries finally started to slow. Her hands stroked up my shoulders to my head, and she started gently rubbing my buzz cut. She told me once how soothing that was to her, and I never teased her about it again. She sighed all shuddery against me, and when she spoke, her little voice damn near broke me.
“I’m so tired, Sy.”
“I know.”
“My dad is dying.”
“I know.”
Her arms wrapped around my neck, and I settled her in snug against me. We just sat and breathed for a minute as I rubbed her back up and down. I wanted to reach into her and take all that pain, and carry it for her. Seventeen years in the Army taught me - it just can’t be done. But I can damn sure clear a path and lighten that load.
I got her on her feet, then into the shower to get the hospital off both of us. That flowery lotion bar butter crap kept slippin’ out of my hands and she chuckled when I cussed at the damn stuff before I could massage it in her skin. Her eyes were tired but she smiled sweet at me when I kissed her belly. I rested my head there for a second, letting the water rain on me and feeling the warmth of my woman against me. We both needed this.
“I’m sorry I cried all over you.” Her voice hummed against me where I rested on her, and I couldn’t stop the frown as I looked up at her. She dodged my look and reached for my beard soap, but I wasn’t lettin’ this go. I stood up so I could get her full attention, cupping her face to look up at me.
“You don’t say ‘sorry’ for cryin’ with me, Hummingbird.” She didn’t say anything for a bit. My chin raised up a hair as the Ranger Captain in me couldn’t let go of it until I got the answer I wanted, and she needed.
Her hair moved against my hands as she nodded. “Ok, Sy.” Mission accomplished.
Later, I got her bundled into her favorite shirt she stole from me and a pair of those fuzz floppy socks she likes so much. I turned on her favorite piano music station on Pandora, then opened my arms for all the cuddles she wanted.
“Sy?”
“Yeah, little bird?”
She didn’t say anything right away. The dark room and quiet music were pulling both of us to sleep.
“It’s not gonna be ok. It’s gonna suck.”
“That’s true.”
“But we’re gonna get through it”
“Yeah, we are.”
She didn’t say anything else, and a few minutes passed with us squirming a little into more comfortable positions.
“Sy?”
“Mmmhmm?”
“I’m gonna get through it because I’ve got you.”
My throat closed up so tight, my swallow hurt. “You sure as hell do. And I’ve got you.”
So, yeah - hospital visits suck ass. But this is my new tour. My hummingbird needs someone to keep her left of bang. And I’ll report for duty every damn day.
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