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mattressdemon · 3 years

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bitching about narrative design in bioware games part 2

to summarize part 1 quickly, i bitched a bit about how bioware wrote some characters and designed some parts of the narrative of baldurs gate 1 and 2. they killed the only black woman in the og bg games for a (supposedly) white man’s pain (minsc) and then offered a replacement in the form of a white woman (aerie).

while complaining about bg1 and 2 could stand all on its own, the reason i wanted to talk about those things in particular is to highlight the way bioware writes and designs characters and stories in their later titles, like mass effect, but especially dragon age. i do particularly pick on the writing of david gaider and lukas kristjanson and a little bit on patrick weekes, but this is not meant to be a personal jab at any of them or say anything about their character or beliefs.

overall i think a lot of the way bioware frames certain characters and manipulates the dialogue of certain characters is really more questionable than allowing for actual critical thought. the best examples of my issues with this are cullen, aveline, fenris, dorian and sera. also a special shout out for jacob from mass effect. you might notice that ive now named four characters that lukas kristjanson wrote for; minsc, aveline, sera, and jacob. that doesnt mean i dislike how he writes all of his characters: i actually really enjoy carver and joker, for example.

my issues with the way he wrote these characters directly relates to over-utilization of stereotypes, writing dialogue that sometimes sounds bizarrely out of character, and combine both of those with poor levels of representation in all of the bioware titles.

aveline, while a very enjoyable character (imho) says things that i think directly contrast how she actually thinks and feels in game. she makes many degrading and insulting comments directly at isabela (who was confirmed as a black woman by gaider) about her sexuality and i feel like its honestly really uncharacteristic of her, given how often she finds herself agreeing with a pro-mage hawke throughout the story and how strongly she feels about the real protection and care of people. this is an issue for multiple reasons:

1. isabela is only one of two black female companions in the dragon age franchise, and she does not even have black facial features (she looks pretty european to me, leaving vivienne as the only black woman in the series with black facial features). contrast that to 12 white female companions throughout dragon age including DLCS, and three white female temporary companions (not including merrill, as i already counted her).

2. isabela is expressive and open with her sexuality in a way only one other female character is, and morrigan isn’t even near to the degree that isabela is. also, isabela is bisexual, and the narrative plays hard against characters that are bisexual/pansexual and simultaneously considered slutty (they have one each game! zevran, isabela, iron bull).

3. isabela is a swashbuckler/rogue with a spotty history irt loyalty, again reinforcing stereotypes of characters that are bisexual or bipoc being untrustworthy or of dubious morality.

and none of this would have mattered if there were more black and bisexual/pansexual characters in the series. weekes’ comment about not wanting to make solas black and bisexual because he didnt want to fall into a stereotype? null and void if there were more black and/or bisexual characters in the franchise. representation matters.

i love fenris too! and you know what i hate? people writing GOTCHA dialogue that doesnt even fit a character just to push a devils advocate agenda.

the conversation in question is between fenris and anders in act 2.

fenris: there, your magic would be a mark of honor. apprenticed to the right magister, you would do well.

anders: so they all do those things?

fenris: just the ones who don’t complain about how powerless and persecuted they are.

“just the ones who dont complain about how powerless and persecuted they are” shut the fuck up. why would this come out of fenris’ mouth at all, ever? bruh gaider wrote his storyline, he knows this doesnt make sense. he has to. doesnt he???

and i feel like da2, but especially inquisition, does this a lot. they shove a lot of dialogue into the game that kinda gives you a GOTCHA sorta vibe, like they’re just tryin to snag the inquisitor on bs.

this happens with dorian in inquisition too. if you play a dalish elf inquisitor, theres an entire conversation with him about slavery in tevinter. while the game spends the entire narrative effectively shitting on a dalish inquisitor for being proud of their dalish culture and heritage, dorian is often praised by the narrative for being nationalistic and proud of tevinter’s culture and history. in the conversation, it feels more like dorian is talking at the inquisitor rather than having a thoughtful and engaging discussion about slavery and why his perspective on it might be different. i dont have screencaps off hand atm, but it’s right there in the game, if you have a copy, go play it.

in contrast, in dragon age origins, you can have a conversation with leliana with a dalish warden wherein she says some hurtful things about dalish elves, things that are typically associated with real life stereotypes about indigenous people, like them being “savage” “brutish” or “lazy”. and by the end of the conversation, no matter what you say or do, she apologizes. she says she was wrong to say those things, and she’s sorry, and she won’t do it again. that’s an effective dialogue about serious issues in a video game!!!! not whatever bullshit that dorian conversation was.

and last but not least: sera and jacob. sera is a great character, and yet, she is the only companion who you can actively dismiss / rudely ask her to leave the inquisition throughout the entire game and in every single conversation. the narrative frames this 20 year old (she is YOUNG!!!! who ISNT annoying sometimes when they’re young???) lesbian as an irritant, and most people walk away from inquisition disliking sera. consistently ppl shit on sera throughout the game, and the narrative itself likes to make her an enemy to the inquisitor, make it feel/seem wrong that she constantly questions authority, when so many other characters are shown in a positive light for doing and saying the exact same shit she does. this is part of a larger issue bioware has in general with writing elven women in dragon age (see also the framing of merrill in da2 and velanna in the expansion for origins, awakening).

do i even have to start on jacob? black man with a heart of gold and a deadbeat, creepy, abusive father? then he “cheats” on shepard in mass effect 3 and the narrative gives you the option to punch him? he didn’t even know if shepard was going to be released from custody!!! he knew the reapers were coming and he didn’t know if he would ever see her again!!!! of course some people will feel his actions were a betrayal, but its all ignorant of the circumstances he was in. its not no two years thought dead thing that everyone is okay with excusing (virmire romance), but it’s certainly fucking close.

tl;dr: i hate how bioware frames characters and designs narratives sometimes. if someone ever reads this that works at bioware: please hire more bipoc and queer designers.

#aveline critical #fenris critical #dorian critical #bioware critical #notes #sunni

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thatyanderecritic · 5 years

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9S from Nier Automata is yandere (for 2B)

Hey there anon. Kai here.

I made a promise a long time ago that I would do a proper review of this game but I am a failure!!! To many endings for me to figure out and I get motion sickness from the game.

Well... I decided to bunker down right now and read the wiki to give you guys the answer this haunting question.

9S has several obstacles to get over to be even consider in the run for being a yandere or not.

1. Does 9S even love 2B? This is a multi-part question to explore. The first is if we all agree if robots and androids have feelings. I’m sure this question was asked in the game and was answered (the answer being yes they have feelings). But what I’m wondering is: are these feelings just simulations or imitations? Or are they as real as human emotions? How much are these feelings are real? Another questions tag to this is if 9S views 2B romantically or platonically. We already discussed this before but we don’t believe in “platonic yanderes” in this household. And personally? During my time playing Nier (which isn’t that long lol), I sort of view their relationship as a “family” than anything romantic. Like an older sister and her younger brother or a mother and child. But that’s just me. I can also see the romantic aspect here but there was never any clear statement of “9S loves 2B romantically”. Yes there was Adam’s taunt of “do you want to **** 2B?” but that’s up to interpretation since it was censored.

2. The multiple endings. Okay, Julie and I always state why we don’t like reviewing otome games... it’s because of the multiple endings issues. The same applies here to Nier. We need to see if 9S’s treatment of 2B stays consistent for all endings.Since I don’t know about the other endings, I can’t say but what I do know is that there’s one ending where 9S abandons 2B to pursue a life of research. This ending is a major check off against 9S. He literally abandons 2B for his own issue... showing us that he’s most likely not lovesick.

3. The many books, spin-offs, DLCs, ect. There’s probably lots of evidence that support 9S being a yandere but there could also be a long of evidence that disproves him being a yandere. And over my dead body will I go through all that bullshit.

Personally speaking, I don’t consider 9S as a yandere. 9S and 2B have a tight bond base on the shit they gone through and a sort of “family bond”. Like yes 9S goes above and beyond for 2B but so does 2B for 9S. Are we going to say that 2B is yandere for 9S now? No, of course not. Perspective wise, 9S isn’t a yandere.

But, if I’m playing devil’s advocate and 9S somehow manages to dodge all these obstacles and prove to be both romantically interested and lovesick, then yes. 9S could be a yandere. But a rather weak one due to the obstacles he have the overcome (No clear cut if he loves her or not and the multi-ending issue) and how we need to analyze his character with a microscope (if you need to analyze a character with a microscope to see if he’s a yandere or not, he’s not a very good yandere). The most he would be is a 2/5 or a generous 3/5. But that’s about it.

#anon #answer #nier automata #9S #2B #yandere #male yandere #so sorry for never touching this again @OG anon who asked #Im highkey dying every time I look at the game #Anonymous

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thezolblade · 6 years

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Ship Meme! Tagged by @the-cryptographer ~

1) Ultimate Otps:

Which of them have ‘ultimate’ qualities...? GS Isaac/Alex would be kind of an ‘ultimate power’ ship, if they got a plot with twists and turns and character development and reasons to cooperate. I’d expect that more from fic than canon - so many other canons have lots of epic slow burn adventure fics for hero/villain-or-antivillain ships. But so far in GS, for those two, I’ve mostly found (good) crackfic, or non-shippy ‘they fight to the death and Isaac wins and marries Mia’ stuff that doesn’t treat them with even as much nuance as the canon.

Not that I mind mudshipping - my ultimate GS polyship would be something like Isaac/Mia/Felix/Alex(/Veriti/The Ice Queen), with interesting dynamics between every two characters in that set of four (and Mia/Veriti), even with some of the bonds possibly being platonic. Though when I’ve written long plotfic it’s very easily gotten platonic/ambivalent/angsty bc it tends so much towards drama, and conflict may drive plots (hence its abundance in plotbunnies), but I find it hard to headcanon characters getting past hurts and grudges very easily; I want to see them make the effort, but it feels like they’d need a lot of time and personal growth to get there, and I might not even figure how well they do until I’m almost 100K words in. And in some very angsty verses there’s no chance. I want to read other people’s adventure fic too, with fun ideas that manage heel-face turns or antihero plots in a slightly lighter way...

PMMM Madoka/Homura is another ‘ultimate power’ ship, if they can get to a point where Godoka and Homucifer can deal with each other as equals again, both with full knowledge of everything that’s happened and the resolve to truly save themselves, each other, and the rest of the universe. :o

Utena/Anthy is quite an ‘ultimate reality’ ship, when they find their revolution.

2) A ship you’ll always 💜??

The Harvest Moon fan in me is going ‘purple heart? that’s not a very high level of affection??’ ...but taking it as an emoji for ‘love’... without repeating anything above, pokemon Green/Red is always nostalgic (gameverse Ash/Gary, the names get a little confusing as there are localisation differences and I like the old manga and anime too but haven’t watched/read anything recent in those canons).

GS Imilshipping, too, in fic verses where they had a close bond. FE Lucia/Ilyana, I wish they had epilogue content after their support, still mean to write out a plotbunny for them sometime. Soren/Ike, of course, and Tibarn/Reyson.

ToS Lloyd/Colette/Sheena/Zelos, again with strong bonds between all of the pairs in that foursome. They did so much to help each other find hope by striving to save and trust each other, creating a new kind of salvation together.

Skies of Arcadia Fina/Aika/Vyse, Vyse/Ramirez, and Ramirez/Galcian. Never found much fanstuff for it, but it caught the imagination.

3) Current obsessions??

Lots of MadoHomu vibes after getting a oneshot written for them. Confident!Madoka makes both of them happy when they’re not dying; it’s a shame she doesn’t get much screentime as her confident and cheerful self, since so much of her time as a magical girl passes offscreen. Even while she was more unsure during the series, she demonstrated her desire to protect her friends, and Homura commented time and time again on her kindness - she loves her for it, and when she discourages it anyway, it’s because she’s come to believe that it’ll be the death of her. If they were truly safe, they could support each other so well - it could be a world away from the desperation that marked the end of Rebellion, when neither of them are at all okay. :s

Also getting quite into darkfic plotbunnies, and I know ‘darkship’ is a term in some cases for character dynamics fulfilling their worst potential, descending into violence and destruction that at least one character Does Not Want, but in the verses of those plotbunnies I guess they still fit the label of antiships better than ships.

4) A ship you never thought you’d like??

Uh, a lot of the stuff on the gs kink meme caught me by surprise, when rarepairs got suggested and the fills or plotbunnies got interesting - Alex/Ivan, Eoleo/Rief, Alex/Amiti (in a BAD IDEA way). And on lj/tumblr, Mia/Sheba was pleasant surprise too. Not that I ever had any preconceptions about disliking ships, they just hadn’t occurred to me.

In FF7, I don’t think I expected to see compelling Cloud/Seph or Zack/Seph at first, all those years ago, but I quickly found that there are a lot of good AUs and darkfic. Especially when they’re alongside other good ships like Cloud/Zack, Aerith/Zack, Aerith/Cloud, Aerith/Tifa, Tifa/Cloud etc.

5) A ship you used to like but don’t anymore:

Uh idk exactly. I used to read a lot of Buffy fic by ship to find characters whose dynamics were interesting in the show, but iirc I ended up skimming any content that was really ‘shippy’ to get to the plot and jokes and emotional bonding over real stuff, not random physical attraction, and nowadays I don’t think I’d bother skimming so much stuff just bc I hoped it’d be interesting and wanted to keep giving it a chance.

6) A ship that should be canon??

Well some that are very strongly implied but not explicitly stated feel like ‘yep that’s canon’ but could maybe use some more in-universe and author confirmation when not everyone seems to agree - Ike/Soren, Utena/Anthy in some versions of canon, etc.

7) A canon ship you hate???

I like to hate the way darkships go sometimes, but that’s what makes them an interesting story, going ‘noo’ about characters’ bad decisions, though that usually only works if they had better potential that they’re falling short of, not necessarily in a romantic sense... Can’t think of many cases where that happens in canon. Uh I think most explicitly canon relationships are either one option among many routes (and I get tired of support grinding), or I’m a bit indifferent, or if I dislike how it’s done I’d still start playing devil’s advocate and wondering how it could have been done differently if I spend any time considering it.

Oh in FE Awakening I kinda hated how Virion’s flirting in the main plot cutscenes was creepy and painted him as a bad joke, but his supports are much better and some of them are great - how do you explain liking his ships when he has such a bad start (and such bad English voice acting)? I also hated the way the player character’s support options didn’t all show up until endgame, so I missed them the first time and had to replay and wait until then to support grind, and then it all got repetitive grinding the same dlc maps so many times over just for such short supports, and the endgame marriage candidates that were most interesting (bc how the hell could the game make that work, with a head of state or a former enemy??) ended up with really rushed and unconvincing relationship development, and the child recruitment maps were hellishly difficult at that point in the endgame, and all in all it got a bit un-fun and not worth the effort. :/

8) A ship you shipped for years??

Most of the above. Also stuff like Saiyuki Sanzo/Goku, GS Alex/Felix or /Saturos, Jenna/Sheba, Karis/Sveta, Pokemon Misty/Erika, FE Florina/Lyndis, and, uh, probably stuff that I’m forgetting right now.

9) A ship everyone 😍 but you don’t care for?

...Was there anything? Some of the cliche stuff bugs me, but I’d usually think ‘what about writing the dynamic this way and maybe adding poly?’

10) Favorite rare pair???

Mm what's rare? Any gs Alex!ships at this point...

Edit: I forgot to tag anyone, so. If meme time sounds like fun, @sazandorable, @meganekkomeguca, @droory, or anyone who feels like it?

#meme

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yeonchi · 6 years

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Dub Logistics Part 23: The Hypocrisy of Greed

“Why is it justified to call out anti-consumer practices in games, but greedy to call out the omission of dual audio options in Japanese games?”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned last year, it’s that there are fans of Western games who claim to be against “unfinished video games” which can be “completed” with pre-order bonuses, season passes and DLC while also being against the inclusion of English or Japanese voice options to compliment whichever language is in the game first. These are the types of hypocrites who should probably never touch a Japanese video game lest they embarrass themselves with their hypocrisy.

This seemingly irrational paranoia comes after a debate and feud I had with some people in that exact category last year, who I will not be mentioning by name. The fact that they disagreed with my views and opinions on game localisation, yet being against corporate greed in the gaming industry, was strange to me at the time, but in reflection, the events of the debate and feud were no better than mere pettiness, sock puppetry, baiting, flaming and virtue-signalling on both sides. Some of the points they made, though convincing, were questionable at best, so if you decide to revisit my older posts and see what they said, then I recommend that you take their points with a grain of salt.

This instalment isn’t about those guys, however. I couldn’t care less about them now and to the other party(ies) from the debate, I’m sorry if you were expecting to see more inflammatory comments about you being “dub haters”, but it’s not all about you - chances are that there could be other people who share the same hypocritical views you do. Just between you and me, however, I’ve heard about the recent Count Dankula case and sentencing. While it is great to hear that he only got fined £800 instead of being sentenced to prison, the fact that he had to go to court over a joke about a political ideology that should have gone extinct after World War II is absolutely outrageous. In spite of what happened between us, I think we should be grateful that we’re not in the UK, we’re not that famous (let’s face it) and that our feud hasn’t escalated to a point where either of us have to be put on trial for our bullshit. There are many other famous people who are worse than any of us and I think that the world should be focusing more on them and not on any petty things like these. That is all I am going to say.

Anyway, back on topic now. In the past, I had learnt that Western gaming companies, like EA and Ubisoft, are just some of many other culprits involved in anti-consumer practices like micro-transactions, season passes and “essential” DLCs for the sake of having a “complete gaming experience”. However, I honestly thought it would never happen to Japanese games until I learnt that Dynasty Warriors 9 and Dissidia Final Fantasy would be getting season passes. That is how blissfully ignorant I was until recently, when I realised that all gamers should be united against corporate greed in gaming, whether it be in the game itself or in localisation. The fact that people are still dividing themselves and others over voice preferences today is absolutely insane.

The reason why I wanted to write this instalment was because of a couple of posts I did in February regarding Dynasty Warriors 9. A week after I posted my crosspost from the English Dubbed Game News page, a fan of mine (and yes, if you, the people on the other side of the debate and feud, are reading this, I actually do have fans, contrary to your “popular” opinion) sent me a link to Jim Sterling’s video titled “The Dismal Degradation Of Dynasty Warriors” and I wrote a little follow-up post on it. In the video, he mentions Koei Tecmo’s negligence of English dubbing in their newer localisations along with the “money grubbing” DLC in Dynasty Warriors 9. It should also be noted that Jim has posted some videos regarding his views on corporate greed in the gaming industry.

At the end of the post, I said, “On a side note, it’s a shame that some people (or should I say, hypocrites) will agree with some points in Jim’s video while disagreeing with other points.” Someone who read the post was seemingly confused by it, thinking that I said that it was hypocritical to not agree with everything Jim said in the video. Though it was partly true, I clarified to him my view that people who are against “money grubbing” DLC, while also calling other people “greedy” for wanting games to be localised with an extra English or Japanese voice option, were hypocrites. The other person replied saying that even though both cases were related to the umbrella category of “corporate greed”, they were very different things - the former was about getting consumers to pay for a more complete gaming experience and the other is just the company being cheap in a way that doesn’t cost consumers any money.

Here’s my understanding of this logic - the original release of a game, whether it be in Japan or any other region, is the actual game itself, while localisations are considered re-releases of the game with “extra features”, namely extra subtitles or voice tracks. Realistically, publishers can go without localising some of their games, but I feel that in recent years, publishers are forcing themselves to localise as many games as they can in the shortest amount of time possible. This results in corners being cut from localisation and as a result, we get games that aren’t dual audio, aren’t fully dubbed or aren’t translated up to par.

And look, I get the argument about budgets and that, but that’s not the point here. The point is that localisations, translations and voice actors can have as much significance in a game (or anime or whatever) and its respective franchise as a whole. If it weren’t for that logic, a lot of games (and animes and the like) wouldn’t be as popular as they are today and a lot of English voice actors (and by extension, Japanese seiyuus) wouldn’t be revered today for the characters they voiced recently or even years ago.

Some people believe that voice languages are a minor aspect of the game and that they will play with (realistically) any language that the game gives them. Like with dub preferences, the choice is entirely personal, but when opinion-neutral people try to tell others that “the language doesn’t matter”, this is teetering on fanboy cuckoldry because it disregards the arguments made by people on each side of the debate. Just because you are okay with what you are given doesn’t mean everyone should be okay with what they are given as well. For everyone’s sake, people should be fighting against corporate greed of any kind in gaming, whether it be in regards to DLC or localisation.

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a bit. Let’s say that Western gaming companies are claiming, or allowing their fans to imply, that their budget has become a bit tight lately, so they have to cut corners in their games or result to money grubbing measures like implementing micro-transactions or releasing “extra” game content as DLC and letting fans imply that buying that DLC will give them a more complete experience. You’re not happy with the company doing this, so you make a habit of complaining about it on social media. Later, you find that some people are calling you greedy and entitled and that you should be grateful that the company has made the game in the first place. This is the kind of stuff that dub fans and sub fans are getting on social media just because we are asking for fair representation in the form of English or Japanese voice options.

Before you derail this topic with the typical cuck response, “But nobody owes us anything, so game companies don’t owe you anything as well,” just stop for a moment and think about this. Humility is a good concept to know, but it shouldn’t be taken literally on everything because you’ll never be happy if you don’t enjoy the things you like. It would be nice if people were humble enough not to chase up the debts of others, but I’m sure that when you lend something to someone, you would expect them to give it back to you. If someone does a favour for you, then it is in good faith that you pay that favour back at a later time. As for humility in the aspect of materialism, then it is expected that if you decide to buy something, then it will be of good quality and worth of its use until you decide to buy a better version of that thing later.

When you are a fan of something or someone, you would expect to be impressed with what they put out every time. You have a right to make compliments when they do something right and you have a right to make criticisms when they do something wrong. However, something that may be considered wrong by one person can be considered right by another and thus, that is how conflicts start. If you are a fan of something that receives a lot of criticism, think about what they may have done to disappoint you or the rest of their fanbase. I’m not giving any examples here because you need to think for yourself in order to do this; being part of the sheeple will not help you in the long run because one day, you may be disappointed over a thing that you like.

If “game companies don’t owe their fans anything”, then fans don’t owe game companies anything either. The mentality that fans are expected to support everything that someone does (whether they see it as good or bad) has the potential to be toxic and so, should be discouraged. On the other hand, some responsibility also lies on those who make stuff for their fans, including game companies - they are expected to maintain their fanbase by going the extra mile to keep them impressed.

If you like an aspect of something but not another, don’t put down other fans who may like the thing you dislike. Everyone is entitled to something, even their own opinion. That being said, if you like Western games and Japanese games, then maybe supporting fairer game content while acknowledging that not all companies have the money to dub, sub, or licence the original voice track of a game is not a good idea because you’re just going to end up sounding like a hypocrite. If you’re one of those people who like to think that way, then maybe you should refrain from talking about Japanese game localisations.

If complaining about any form of greed is a form of greed in itself, then the concept of being against greed is absolutely hypocritical.

Just another reminder that I will be ending the Dub Logistics series with Part 30 at the end of the year, so if you have something you would like me to cover before then, please inform me as soon as possible.

The fact that this instalment was posted one year on from the initial debate that sparked the feud is completely coincidental. It’s really funny that I never thought to talk about this hypocrisy back then, but better late than never, I suppose.

With regards to the Count Dankula case I mentioned earlier, feel free to read up on it and do some research, because I feel that this case has set a precedent for free speech in the United Kingdom and possibly, the world. The pettiness that led to Dankula being put on trial in the first place is the same pettiness that is causing YouTube videos and Facebook pages (along with memes) to be taken down in the name of “offensive content”. The reporting systems on social media have already been abused enough in the past few years; we don’t need petty things like this to be taken to court so that victims can suffer for a long time while they await their sentence.

#dub logistics #english dub #video games

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contradictoryenigmas · 5 years

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2018 Postmortem: 10 Questions

Hi there. It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything on Contradictory Enigmas.

*Looks at Tumblr dashboard, sees it has been over five months.*

Yeah. I would like to say the lack of posts is due to me being busy with life and moving on up. But it turned out that 2018 would be slightly worse than 2017. I’m not going to fully dive into the reasons why, but let’s just say that uncertainty played a huge role during the year. Still, I wouldn’t say that the year turned out to be a complete trash fire. I had to do some deep looking and thinking to find the bright spots, but they were there.

To cap off the year here on the blog, I’m going to revisit an exercise that I did last year: Looking through the past year through the lens of ten questions. You can check out the one I did for 2017 here.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

The majority of my work on the freelancing side of the fence was mostly news and new car reviews/previews. I didn’t write much in terms of feature and opinion pieces as I was lacking the creative urge and energy. Looking at my list of ideas and drafts on my computer, most were either blank with the title or had something written before running out of steam.

There was one piece that did make it out of this drought. Last month, I published a piece talking about how I drove a 707 horsepower Grand Cherokee Trackhawk somewhat efficiently. It was something that I hadn’t done in quite a while; taking a vehicle out of its element and see how it would fare.

Here on Contradictory Enigmas, there are a few pieces that I’m quite proud that I was able to get out.

Barnes & Noble Pre-Postmortem allow me to look at a place that I enjoy shopping. Seeing the local store in the somewhat poor state when I wrote the piece in late winter was quite depressing. It has been slowly getting slightly better, but there are still various issues with the main office. This is a topic I would like to revisit in the coming year.

#QuitFacebook allowed me to put on my devil’s advocate hat on and consider a different angle on the mess that erupted in the spring. The piece really helped begin the process of stepping away from the platform.

I got to talk about my weird fascination with watching old Weather Channel clips on YouTube. It was surprising how much of a retro trip this was as I told the story of how I used to watch it while sitting in the back bedroom of my Grandmother’s house. I still do watch those old clips from time to time or put it on in the background to provide some ambient noise.

Dealing with a World on Fire is a piece I look at time and time again. It is a reminder to me that it is ok to step away from the world at large and take care of yourself - something I have been a doing a lot since the summer.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

This is the hardest question for me to answer this year as at first glance, there wasn’t much that I would be considering being a *Top Five* moment. But doing some deep thinking brought forth some.

Finally finding and seeing a psychiatrist

Going out to various dinners to try new foods

Being invited to two automotive press events towards the end of year

Publishing some blog pieces that started from a writing journal

Working to give me more space to relax

What are you really glad is over?

Aside from 2018 in general? I know I said that last year, but I feel that it still stands.

As I mentioned in the beginning, uncertainty played a huge role. It felt like I was getting all of these various issues with work, money, health issues, and life beginning to stack up like a Jenga tower. I kept waiting for the one piece to cause the tower to topple over. But somehow, this tower somehow stood tall.

As the year is coming to a close, the uncertainty I’m been dealing with has come down a fair amount. Not to point where I can put it behind, but at least it isn’t front and center like it was for the majority of the year

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

Like last year, it is a mix of good and bad.

On the bad, I wasn't able to accomplish many of the goals I had set out to do. I wasn't trying to accomplish anything big or impossible*. Many of the goals were small such as trying to mediate, eating slightly better, getting out of the house more, etc. But various factors that were out of my control would conspire and cause me not to accomplish many of these things.

It has also been tough to sit down and actually watch a movie/TV show. I can't remember the last time I was able to relax and focus on something that wasn't on YouTube. Nothing against YouTube, but I've been trying to figure out why it was possible for me to binge through a number of videos, but cannot do the same with Netflix or what I have on my media server.

For the good, I have been re-diagnosed** with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). That may seem a bit strange, but it helps explains some of the issues I have been dealing with such as not being able to focus on one task, having my mind wander, forgetting various things - the list goes on. I've started to see a psychiatrist and been put on some medication to help me get various aspects under control.

Another good point is how much I have been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. I have been trying to say yes to doing more events. Recently, I went to a special dinner with my parents that featured a fusion of Chinese and Vietnamese cuisine. The food was amazing and I was shocked by how much I enjoyed. Calling myself a picky eater is an understatement and something I've been trying to work towards over the year.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Somehow I was able to keep applying to jobs. Doing this is very stressful because you don't know if you will hear anything; begin second-guessing whether or not everything is just right; wonder whether if its worth the time and effort being put in, and dealing with rejection. That's before the madness of the interview process.

I made a lot of progress in how I write my resume and cover letters; expanded my searches, and become somewhat decent in interviews. Hopefully, this pays off in 2019.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

That it is ok to let things go. Whether it be ideas for possible stories, a book that I’m not enjoying, or someone on social media that is annoying me, you can put them off to the side to either revisit another or just put down and walk away. This has been tough as I’m one of those people who tries to see things through the end, which can result in something in disappointment. But I’m slowly making progress on this.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?

My therapist has been a big help throughout the year. Without her encouragement, I wouldn’t have gone out and get psych evaluation to determine whether or not I had ADHD. This has also been the place where I have I spilled my guts on various thoughts and events that have happened. Seeing her helps me get a better understanding of myself.

The other people are some close friends that I try to talk on the phone every month or so. One of the downsides of working at home is the lack of interaction with other people. I wish I could get out more, but various issues and other stuff prevent me. The calls with the small group of people help me feel somewhat connected to the world

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Ni No Kuni 2: I spent so much time playing this RPG, over 80 hours during the fall. Everything about this game from the story, characters, and music just clicked with me. The Studio Ghibli art style really makes the game stand out. I cannot wait to dive back in once the DLC comes out and sink more time into it.

The Nakano Thrift Shop by Hiromi Kawakami: Delving into the lives of workers in a thrift shop may not seem like a good starting place for a book. But Kawakami makes the characters from the store owner that is reflective and philosophical about the about the world to the clerk who is just trying to figure out who she is. Reading through this book, I felt like I could sit down and enjoy the conversation going on while looking at the various goods.

Hammer Head: The Making of Carpenter by Nina MacLaughlin: This book made me want to get out and build/fix something because of the pleasure of doing something physical. Being able to see something to come life before your eyes that you created.

What will you be leaving behind in 2018?

Trying to feel responsible for everything. This has been brought to the light by all of the various uncertainties that 2018 has decided to drop on my head. I know that my personality likes to have control and know what is happening to give me some ease, but life doesn’t work like that. I’m slowly accepting that a lot of things are just out of my hands and it is ok.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2019?

My focus for the beginning of the year is to get myself back on track and get things in order. This includes some financial, health and personal stuff. Once I reach a point that I feel everything in order, then I will return to something that I mentioned last year.

The big goal for 2018 is figuring out who the hell I am. In 2016, I felt that I lost the knowledge of who I was. Sure I am a human who is in their late 20s and writes about the auto industry and other bits. But other than those pieces, everything else about myself seemed to fade into black.

This past year has seen me pick up the various bits and pieces of myself in an effort to figure out who I am. It’s a complicated puzzle where I have some of the pieces and trying to piece them together. There are a number of pieces that are missing - they could be somewhere else waiting to be unearthed or have faded away.

Next year is where I begin to put the puzzle together by working with the pieces that I have and also creating new ones to help fill in the gaps. I know that I will never be able to complete the puzzle, but I want to feel like that I have made some significant process, not starting at a giant pile and wondering what should I do.

It is a very ambitious goal, but my plan is to break this up into small pieces. Trying new hobbies, getting out of the house more, putting myself in somewhat uncomfortable situations where I have an easy way out, etc.

That’s my 2018 in a nutshell. A bit of bad, but there were some good parts.

*You can make the reasonable argument that trying to figure out who I am was a bit ambitious for 2018. My plan at the time was to do various small things over the course of the year that would build up towards the overall goal. **Re-diagnosed? Yes. I was originally diagnosed with ADHD when I was about three to four years old.

#2018 #postmortem #reflection

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blackdragon2012-blog · 6 years

Text

Some thoughts on Destiny 2

Dear Bungie, players of the community,

Hello my fellow star-side Guardians, hope all is well and your holiday has been grand so far. I just want to share my thoughts about this game and start from the beginning.

When I first heard about Bungie, it was when they were the innovators of the gaming industry with their Halo franchise. As a former PlayStation loyalist, I always envied how awesome those games looked and longed to have an Xbox of my own but I had many friends who played on PlayStation and one game wasn't enough to change my tune. Now, I'm a Destiny 1 player, much like most of this community, and I've been playing the game since mid-Taken King. I heard about how great the game looked during the game's base launch and that Bungie created it so naturally I was excited to play my first Bungie game. I heavily considered buying it until I heard about all of the negativity surrounding the game, which, admittedly, off-put me from the game itself. Fast forward and my friends are constantly telling me how it got better as a game and to try it out, so I did.

Bought it for PS4 and played through the "story" and eventually got into the Taken King portion and loved my Hunter to death (currently have a Hunter and Warlock in D2 that I love to death too). The game was really fun but I also saw a lot of the flaws that many of you saw then and see now. The grindfest for me wasn't an issue and actually kept me well involved and fixated on coming back to grind more strikes, or raids or PVP to get the loot I wanted. D2 took a shit on that with how easy exotics are to get but, still, I enjoy the game.

At first, I hated the random rolls because I hated getting an awesome looking weapon with shitty perks until I got my first "top-tier" version of that weapon and I felt accomplished that all of my grinding was worth it and I got the results I was hoping for. Though I don't dislike the fixed rolls on weapons, the lack of random rolls makes me uses some weapons less or just outright destroy/infuse them because they're not Nameless Midnight, Sins of the Past, Better Devils, etc. I could feel that sense of accomplishment gone and it felt empty. Masterworks are cool but don't really do it for me. I'd love for the High Impact frame to not just be buffed but actually FEEL like they do more damage and not just see it in text form. I want to be able to re-roll perks on unique legendary weapons and get the perks I want and bring some back from D1 and add some new ones. I miss the old stats to make recharge times much better and getting the right stats for the gear I'm wearing. I want to earn and purchase mods and shaders for my weapons and gear and not rely or feel "pushed" to make an Eververse purchase to get mods

Now that bring me to the more controversial topic of the year in gaming, loot boxes. Personally, unlike most people, I could care less about loot boxes being around. I think they're a cool thing for people who actually want to spend their hard earned money purchasing. If it's 100% optional and nothing game breaking or cosmetic, I'm cool with that. My issue with Destiny, partially Destiny 2's Eververse is that the cosmetic gear you purchase should be earned in game via quests or in-game activities or achievements. The exotic sparrows, ships, ghosts, all of that should be IN THE GAME so we can grind for it and have fun during the grind, have that unique sense of accomplishment or like you're special that you grinded a lot or little and got a nice reward for you playing the game. Make the Heroic Strike JUST LIKE the one from Destiny 1, make prestige gear higher light/power level and/or have unique perks that make you want to dive into the higher difficulties to battle stronger opponents. Give us Strike specific loot! Earnable rewards that aren't locked behind a paywall. Don't strip down content for those that don't purchase the DLC. I get that Activision is a piece of shit and they're the worst part of the Activision Blizzard company, but Bungie needs to fix the issues plaguing this game before they kill and destroy something that has the potential to be an amazing game and an amazing narrative that's being told. For some, it may be too late, but it's not too late to get your act together and bring out the full potential the universe of this game has to be amazing.

I'm not an advocate for killing Tess and the Eververse but it needs to be severely stripped down to a degree that is acceptable on both our part as the game community and one where you all can sate the greed of Activision. You know, even with all the bill crap and shady business practices I see, I still love this game and want to see IT and the company of Bungie prosper. Activision can go burn and Blizzard needs to removed that rotting limb NOW. I'm going to still play this game and I hope that you all can get this ship turned around, ASAP, before you lose this fan base and all of your microtransactions will be all for nothing anyway. I see how Bungie is now a husk of what it used to be and it needs to return to form and mend the wounds they have caused with their fan base.

Sincerely,

A Gamer Who Wants Change

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