#I cant afford to leave
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ough i wanna draw so bad but my arms are virtually Unusable... too much lifting and hauling... in other news i felt True and Intense Pining today for the soft, delightful, tiny pig beanie baby in a diner gift shop. she was a wonderful pink with a lovely purple nose...
#and make no mistake the strong emotion i felt was indeed pining. longing. Yearning.#gazed lovingly at her for a solid ten seconds in the checkout line#i will think of her often and fondly#leaving the diner without her Hurt Me. but i cant afford a new friend rn </3#still i am sitting by the bright window and playing rain sounds while looking outside in anguish#alas... we were two ships passing in the night....#absolutely unprompted#ough but really though i have to rest like. my entire arms on my desk#even just typing is making me take minecraft damage#Still I Am Going To Attempt Writing Because Now That The Work Is Done I Am Very Bored#maybe ill write some human au! i have Scene Ideas for it!#or ill continue to workshop lights out#probably work on act three... i cant decide which direction to go in with it#it'll end up in the same place for act four But. the road there... which turn will i make them take....#depends on how mean im feeling. theres the kind version. the distressed version. and the anguish version#knowing Me i will probably choose the anguish version as the au's canon!
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starting a former william fan support group bc what the entire fuck was that
#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redactedverse#art#illustration#redacted vincent#vincent solaire#look william is right in that thats how it be sometimes way#does NOT make his actions any less shitty and certainly doesnt absolve him#suggesting vincent and sam just fuck off seems incredibly dismissive and sort of is but he's right#william knows he isnt going to change and vincent (+ sam but he's really only got a tiny stake in this) can deal with it or bugger off#super interesting issue because i can clearly see both sides of the argument#william cant afford to not be strategic and that includes manipulating the people he has power over#THAT SAID#vincent is rightfully upset at being fucked with for william's interests#i dont think theres a solution for everyone here#stay and become involved at worst or complicit at best#or cut ties completely#which is a whole nother can of worms and leaves vincent (+ sam but hold your horses) vulnerable to being killed by either a clan or drifter#(which would be hard but not impossible) or get snapped up by someone looking to manipulate him#sound familiar?#and sam was also there#someone needs to explain to him how a monarchy works#like yes honey william DOES get to make every decision on his own and move assets and people as he sees fit without counsel#thats what it says on the tin
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this video is so aegon coded, in my mind (I am the eldest child, I technically ruined my mom's life, but she tries so hard to love me, she DOES love me, but our relationship is so strained because of the way she's treated me due to her own pain. I think I'm a good enough reference on this)
like. him and alicent. with all their messiness. at the end of the day, that's HIS mommy, and no matter what, even when he feels like he hates her, she is beautiful and perfect and no one can say a bad thing about her because he loves her and she loves him and that makes everything ok at the end of the day.
sometimes he's mean to her, she's too rough, he feels like he hates her, she can barely look at him. but god forbid someone insult her in his presence, he will actually have a breakdown. that's his mommy and he loves her and forgives her and hopes she can forgive him and just wants her to be happy so they can all be happy.
like little kid aegon, he was always playing with her hair and her jewelry, telling her she was pretty. gently poking at her face, like toddlers do, when she was upset, trying to figure out what was wrong. he'd hug her clumsily and tell her it was alright. and he remembers that, he remembers wanting his mom to be happy and to know she was beautiful and that he was there (again, in the way a toddler does) and he stills wants that. he wants to be small and to make his mom smile and feel better. that's his job! he's supposed to protect her and make her happy!
I especially imagine this happens frequently cause of how her father and his father treat her, how the court treats her, how everyone treats her. they all so mean to her, even in ways that are quiet and seemingly mundane. he must hate it. hate the way they tear her apart with their words and their eyes. the way they subtly mock her. he must feel so angry but so helpless and conflicted.
and it all boils down to him becoming a sobbing, snotty, (in his case) drunken mess and I love that for him (I mean I feel really bad, this shit sucks, but you know what I mean)
#ive been crying over my mother all morning#let me project my eldest child mommy issues onto aegon#i cant afford therapy ok#this is the best we're getting#but no really#he's the eldest#he has seen every stage of her life as of now#he has watched her suffer and breakdown#he has suffered at her hand#he loves her and hates her and loves her even more#she loves him and hates him and koves him even more because of it#they were damned from the beginning#but he loves her and he will cry very loudly about it#aegon targaryen#aegon ii targaryen#alicent hightower#aegon has crippling mommy issues leave him be#he's wallowing#someone give him a tissue#alicent hug your son please#hotd
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sorry but i think it's so fucked that my sisters cling onto their grudge and hate for me in times like these... like we just got a statement from the state saying that we have to prepare for war lmao
#also it sucks bc my family is poor#we cant afford to prepare for war T-T#ummmmmmmmmmmmm anyway i feel like my sisters and should just leave it behind us bc like... WAR?!?!? fucking war and theyre fighting w me :o
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google how to inform places im applying to that id like to start at level zero. i have no experience. thats the point. you have to GIVE ME SOME.
#like. fuck can i say i can do. ‘i can use excel’ except see thats. a lie. i cant use excel. because i cant afford excel.#i can use google sheets or any of the libreoffice software. i cant use microsoft excel i dont HAVE excel#my friend told me ‘oh just put down the parttime work you did in high school’ how do i explain to her that i was not allowed to. leave the#house.#no money no prospects all i got is a little bit of writing talent an electric scooter and a dream. and libreoffice.#like i can bake but i dont think thats very useful for. dead people.
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little bit worried abt the class difference ngl
#my parents r working class and im basically flat broke (this was/isnt the case in iran tho. back then i never even thought abt money)#and like literally i had my first universal credit meeting today bc im not getting student loans to live off of until next sept#...she bought gucci shoes bc she was bored and wanted new shoes . she used to live in Kensington#like im genuinely...idk 😭#do u think it will be an issue#i have told her i cant afford many things but j havent told her of my familys precise socioeconomic status in the UK bc it wasnt necessary#but now im like does she fr want to be w smn who is actually broke. like#i think i didnt notice it until the last time we met up bc i was raised like her . but i stopped being raised like her at the age of 11#when we had to leave iran. but she just kept living like that#idk. anyway#...anyway were meeting on sat to study tgth and then hang out :)#well. im studying shes applying to law firms
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I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE
#all caps#vent#vent post#venting#text post#failure#fear of failure#low self worth#mental illness#<< admin tags#IM A FAILURE IM A FAILURE IM A FAILURE#I NEVER AMOUNTED TO ANYTHING#I CRUSHED MY FAMILYS DREAMS OF FINANCIAL SECURITY WITH MY SELFISHNESS#I THREW AWAY RELATIONSHIPS I CHERISHED JUST BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING SAD#I WORRY EVERY DAY IS THE DAY MY HUSBAND LEAVES ME#I STILL DONT HAVE KIDS OR A HOUSE OR EVEN A FUCKING DOG#I NEVER WENT TO GRAD SCHOOL#IM TOO SICK TO HAVE HOBBIES OUTSIDE MY OWN HOME#I CAN'T EVEN MAINTAIN MY HOME#THE ONLY THING I WAS EVER GOOD FOR WAS MY BRAINS BUT I LOST THEM#I HAVENT CREATED ANYTHING BEAUTIFUL OR PROFOUND OR WORTHWHILE#I HAVENT MADE BANK#I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING TO MEDICALLY TRANSITION#IVE NEVER KISSED A GIRL#I STILL CANT AFFORD TO VISIT MY NEPHEW#I STILL BARELY KNOW MY SISTER#I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE#SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF MY OWN HEAD I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE
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Uuugh i need senior year to be over alreadt i need to take care of chickend NOW‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
#uuuuuuughh. got bit by a mosquito on my fucking ear now its swollen and red. if i were not in greenhouse that wouldgnt happen...#chicken solutions... . also moving after school.... scary#tbh i reeealy dont wanna move bc one idk how to drive so as of rn i cant leave. two i cant afford my own house or apartment#three. do i have to work :((((( four where we're going the nearest walmart is like a whole fucking hour away but whatever.#middle of nowhere core. urgh
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YALL I have LITCHERALLY every day booked out for when I’m in the US like I thought I had more wiggle room bc I’ve never had a trip there that long but alas
#all fun fun stuff I wouldnt move any of it!#only 2 days with my dad which im FINE with lol but its sad that i am and I KNOW i wont hear the end of it from him#I’ll be going skiing up north yessss and taking a cheeky lil trip to Toronto…#getting tattoos with my sister…#will I be able to afford all this who knows lmao#ANYWAY does anyone have a good Michigan-themed tattoo idea? like 5 inches or so?#cant believe I leave in less than a week AHHHHH#tian talks
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The fact that weed is expensive is criminal tbh
#juniper.txt#i cant wven afford enough to make leaving the house worth it bc of the pain from leaving the house
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Born to be normal, forced to backpack across europe
#aawil coded#im just tryna go home for spring break lord let me leave the mountains and go home to the desert 😭😭😭#n i have this huge stupid backpack bc i cant afford carryon 😭#frontiers my enemy
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surely a chronically ill person can go a day without EATING right? It's not like I'm managing a complicated illness that requires strict management right? And I totally don't need to be pain free for work tomorrow right!?!!
/sarcasm
#wrenfea.vent#sarcasm#tried to cook something for myself and my brother and my mom got home and saw and yelled at me#saying theres no possible way I can eat all that#except SHES the one who always asks me to make extra for my brother#AND I wasn't making it all for myself one serving was for me one for my brother and another for my lunch tomorrow#i cant handle being yelled at and i lost it and panicked because I couldnt get away from her#so i did scream for her to leave me alone#and now shes in the kitchen and i cant be in there#and i dont have any more food stashed in my room#and im not eating whatever shes fucking cooking#so she can lord it over my head like shes some kind of saint#but now my blood sugar is low and I cant focus#and she tells me if i dont like it i can just move out#funny because when i was trying to she convinced me not to and to stay home and save my money#i cant afford to anyway until my bf and I get better jobs#tw disordered eating
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It kinda irks me that while the board tried everything to keep lucas, they did absolutely nothing to convince benji to stay and were just like “okay, off you go” “whoever pays 30m can take him” when both of them are going to leave this summer
#we cant afford both of them leaving so it’s understandable that the board has to make a choice#but I don’t understand why they prefer lucas#benjamin pavard#bayern#lauriel blabbering
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Caught my LL on video saying 'anyone can come in' to my apartment
#vent#im calling legal aid tomorrow#and getting the fuck out#this has gotten so insane#she violated my privacy today and came into my apartment to turn on the heater i bought myself#after i told her i wouldnt run it without being there#i wish i could just leave but i cant afford to pay off the rest of my lease#i literally don't have that kind of money#itd cost me $3.3k#and thats exactly the amount i have in the bank. in total. id go broke.#please why can i not catch a break#i just wanted fucking livable heat
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Btw if u steal from the poor, ur going to superhell no matter what 😇 hope that helps
#super hell#next time someone tries to steal from me i am going to fucking smack them with the nearest hard and heavy object#idc if u want it or u think ur just being prankster either. leave MY STUFF ALONE#literally go get a concussion so at least ur too sick to put ur dirty hands on other ppls stuff.#i fucking hate people sometimes#what gives you the right#the audacity#to take what isnt yours and not only that to take it when u likely dont need it from someone who does#ill bash yer fuckin head in if i catch you trying to steal from me DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?????#jfc i wish i lived in a place where i could defend my shit with a gun. none of these bitches trustworthy. fucking thieves#im so angry im so fucking mad im fucking livid#someone let me hit them pretty pls before i decide to break my wall or my hand whichever goes first#and this wall isnt even my fucking wall cuz i cant afford that either#but oh noooo u dont feel like doing ur job#die die die die die
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this is just me going "fine I'll just do it myself" after not being able to find a single fanart for Yi Xian (the cultivation card game). (I bet there's some but I'm just not able to find it)
so here we are, catering to myself and myself only with very low-effort doodles to destress feat. mostly Mu Yifeng, Yan Chen and Jiang Ximing
#Yi xian: the cultivation card game#Mu Yifeng#Yan Chen#Jiang Ximing#i know these arent solid at all but times rough and scribbling go brr#anyway hey if anyones intrigued and wants to know more about the game#its an autobattler deckbuilder in xianxia setting#so if pvp deckbuilding/strategy is your style you absolute should go check it out#i myself hate using my brain and pvp so this is absolutely not what i usually play or would pick up but it charmed me and i love it so much#even tho i SUCK at it so bad#its in early access on steam for 7 euro#for anyone interested#and it makes me so sad that theres so many negative reviews saying its p2w cuz its NOT!!!! the only thing available with money is reskins#and u can get the jades to buy them by playing anyway#but ive heard there were p2w elements back when it got released but they got hotfixed quickly but i guess the rumours stuck around?? sad#also if u like the concept and wanna see more without actually playing i recommend gameplays by retromation they're super entertaining#anyway#yeah i absolutely shouldnt be playing nno games whatsoeveer rn bc i cant afford any of the precious time I've got left#i dont even know exactly how much ive got left until the school leaving exams and shit for Uni like two months ig#im useless absolutely i cant i cant but brain no work and pretty card game makes stress go away uh oh spaghettios#oh well enough of that#cheers#btw ive been doodling in the meantime but ppl actually follow this blog now so I'm overthinking it again and not posting anything goddammit
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