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cksmart-world · 3 years

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SMART BOMB

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

August 10, 2021

10 GOOD EXCUSES NOT TO GET VACCINATED

1 – It could turn you into a communist.

2 – It will mess with your DNA until you look like Bill Barr

3 – You won't be welcome at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.

4 – People will think you're a Democrat.

5 – Police Dogs can sniff you out after a burglary.

6 – The Proud Boys will turn on you.

7 – You could be charged with a hate crime in Garfield County.

8 – Majorie Taylor Greene will yell at you through a mail slot.

9 – You could lose your Temple Recommend.

10 – And getting vaccinated would require cognitive analysis.

GOP: INVEST IN AMERICA? NAH, WE CAN'T AFFORD IT

America is the greatest. We have the world's biggest military and economy. We are rich — unless you are a college student or the average worker. The Iraq War cost $2 trillion. The Afghanistan War cost $2.26 trillion and counting. We love to invest in war, but in our people, not so much. Republicans are balking at Biden proposals that would spend $1trillion on infrastructure, such as roads and bridges etc.; and another $3.5 trillion for climate change, education, elder care and child care — to be paid for by the wealthy and corporations. For some, like Utah Republicans Blake Moore and Chris Stewart, it's all too much. We can't afford that, they say. Our infrastructure is failing. In healthcare, the U.S. is ranked 37th by the World Health Organization. Sixty two percent of bankruptcies are from medical costs. In education, 24 countries offer free college tuition and 13 of them are free to international students. Meanwhile, 44.7 million American college students and grads owe a total of $1.71 trillion in student debt. In 2017, Trump and Republicans passed tax cuts of $1.125 trillion that went mostly to the rich and corporations. All of Utah's Republican delegation voted for it. But investing in this country and it's people, well, how can we afford that?

TRUMP & CABINET STILL FORGING GREATNESS

Mark Meadows, the real president's chief of staff, told Fox News that El Presidente and his cabinet continue to meet at the Florida White House and are “moving forward.” He didn't elaborate, but anonymous sources tipped Smart Bomb to the skinny:

Trump: We've raised more than $100 million since I left Washington. Remember, I never left office, I'm still president. I'm great.

Meadows: You are the greatest leader in history, Mr. President. And by the way, is that a new suit. It looks awfully good on you, sir.

Trump: Who is the sonofabitch who leaked that letter saying I told the acting Attorney General to order Georgia to change the election results. They're saying I'm worse than Nixon.

Meadows: Well, Mr. President, did I mention your beautiful tie. Very nice.

Trump: I hate that sniveling wimp Biden. I hate infrastructure, too. And I'm the one who invented the vaccines for Covid and I don't get any credit. It was me. I'm the one.

Meadows: Yes, Mr. President, you are single-handedly saving America. Maybe we could do one of your fantastic rallies and call it the “Trump Vaccine” and tell all your MAGA people to get the shot.

Trump: We can't do that, stupid. People have to keep dying until I get back in the White House. Then we'll tell them.

Meadows: Great plan, sir. Say, are those new shoes?

Post script — That's about a wrap for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of airborne particulates so you don't have to. Fact is, we're all smokers now. More than 100 fires are burning in the West and Salt Lake City continues to be in the top 10 of worst air quality in the world. But for reasons unknown, the Utah Office of Tourism continues to ignore it. “Greatest Bad Air On Earth.” Of course, it's not all our fault: California, Oregon, Washington and Montana just keep on burning. And speaking of breathing, public schools in Utah, including universities and colleges, cannot impose mask mandates on account of it's a communist plot to steal our freedom, according to Republican legislators. In Utah, we are free to spread Covid-19 as part of our God-given rights. The slogan, “Live free or die,” may have to be changed to, “Live free and die.” Again, the Utah Office of Tourism is taking a pass. Before Covid, an annual rite was for kids to start school and get colds and bring them home to their parents. Legislators say not to worry — just because the common cold and Covid are both viruses does't mean a thing. Well, maybe it does but Republicans aren't allowed to say that. And anyway, only a small percentage of children will die.

OK Wilson, what a week: the Delta variant, smoke, global warming. But it could be a lot worse — there could be a housing crunch. You and the guys in the band know that life goes on and we just have to roll with the punches, wildfires or no wildfires, so pick it, Wilson:

You know that it would be untrue You know that I would be a liar If I was to say to you Girl, we couldn't get much higher Come on baby, light my fire Come on baby, light my fire Try to set the night on fire The time to hesitate is through No time to wallow in the mire Try now we can only lose And our love become a funeral pyre Come on baby, light my fire Come on baby, light my fire Try to set the night on fire, yeah (Light My Fire — The Doors)

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