um, hi?🥴
well, it has been a hot minute since i've been around. first thing first, i am super sorry about disappearing off the face of the planet with no warning of any kind.
second, i wanted to thank everyone who sent me a message checking in on me. i logged in today to an overwhelming amount of love and that really meant so much to me. y'all are literally the sweetest people ever. it would take me a full 24hrs to reply to them all so i'll spare y'all the flood of me being sappy, but the summary is I LOVE YOU (yes, i am talking to you, you beautiful soul and precious person). just know that if you sent me a message i read it more than once and it made me happy cry.
third, let's go over my excuses. i won't bore y'all with the details but life got tough. many of you know i was job searching, and the sort of good news is i got a job! and it's technically a great job. medicine has just burned me out to a degree where i looked forward to nothing. so then i felt disgustingly disrespectful and ungrateful for the opportunities i have. my brain was a vicious cycle for a bit there.
fourth, and the final portion of this rambling i promise, the topic of writing. this entire time i've been able to work on my original work which has been super rewarding. i think i'll be able to get some copies out to beta readers soon and hopefully get some ARCs ready for the summer. but in terms of what's going on here, i haven't had time to work on a lot but before i went MIA i was like 90% done with the next chapter of 'Take Care of You' so i'm hopeful to get that out at the very least. the good news is not only is that chapter decent in length but it also gives y'all all the answers you've been waiting oh so patiently for (: anyways, from here on out i'll try to be better about answering asks and i'll work on some stuff for y'all promise💜
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Can I just pass by and tell you that your drawing style gives me life? Because seriously.
I feel alive every time I see one of your drawings.
AAAAA OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M ABOUT TO CRY THIS IS SOOOOO SKFBDK IT MEANT A LOT TO ME. I always see you in my notes but I didn't expect this, thank you so much again. If you saw me answer late is because I've been re-reading this over and over and over and over and over again. And then screaming in my pillow. And then reading it again. THANK YOU SERIOUSLY. I'VE BEEN THINKING WHAT TO SAY BUT I STILL AM AT LOSS OF WORDS SKDJS ;-;
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i just finished all of the girl out boy collection and i’m sure you get anons like this all the time but i can not even impress upon you how lifechanging this was for me. i just turned 20 and i’m so unsure of myself and who i am and what i am and i’ve been up for two nights in my dorm room reading girl out boy and going a little bit crazy but i just want to say you get it. in so many ways and i guess it shouldn’t be surprising because you also grew up female and loving women but you put into words things that i’ve only felt deep in my soul since elementary school but haven’t been able to verbalize. i’ve cried multiple times (esp reading sell out girl), mostly because of the fics but also largely because of your author’s notes. i hope you’re doing well and i’m so incredibly thankful you gave the world this piece of your soul. thank you so much
2/3: i just accidentally sent an ask that i wasn’t finished with but i’m not even sure what else i can say except thank you. thank you
3/3: same anon as the last two i remember the other thing i’m going to say and i promise this is the last of it because i know i’m spamming you now but . my birth mother disowned me a couple years ago for being a lesbian and i found out recently she has cancer so that part of andy’s story really stuck with me. thank you for not feeding into the whole “this person may not have much time left so suck it up for them” narrative because i could never do that. thank you thank you, i promise i’m done now and i hopes you’re having a great year so far
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darling, there just aren't words for what it is like to share this story with the world and hear back me too, me too, i see you. i know i always say this but it's the most important thing that's ever happened to me. i will never be the same as i was before this story came into my life. thank you for seeing me and letting me see you back.
and yeah. you don't actually have to have compassion for the people who abused you. we all die of something eventually, and it is the work of our lifetime to treat others in a such a way that they want to be by our sides, forgive us, remember us. it is not your fault or your burden if someone doesn't do that. anger is better for healing than giving of yourself, out of guilt and shame, when you can't afford it. it is beautiful to be generous with people when we can be, and miserable and stupid to expect ourselves to when we can't.
i hope you're having a great year too. spam me anytime.
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Thinking about Weird Barbie and how she's the very obviously queer outsider of the Barbie world, she straddles the lines between Barbie and the Real World. She's the most aware of the performative nature of it all. She supports Barbie while also gently mocking her panic at losing the hyperfeminine perfection. Her weird house is also home to the discontinued reject weird Barbies, the outcasts (including very gay earring Ken) who never fell into either the original matriarchy or the Kentriarchy brainwashing.
The other more classically heteronormative and beautiful Barbies both pity and fear her, and at first the narrative pities her as well. She's the vessel of girls going weird and crazy and feral on their dolls and that's amazing. Weird Barbie is aware of who she is and how the world sees her and she loves it. She's Weird Barbie and She Owns It.
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she says he won't let her get a dog, which is fine, because they're in an apartment, and that's the kind of thing people say about their partners. he won't let me get a dog. and you're at a dinner party and you tilt your head a little to the side just like that dog he won't let her get, because is this the thing that's going to upset you? you don't know every corner of their relationship, she could be joking, they could have had so many healthy conversations about the dog, right, and maybe she's not letting herself get the dog because of money and time and whatever. but, like, she did say let
and she wants to move away from his hometown and he wants to stay and then he tells you with a wink and a conspiratorial stage whisper don't worry i'll convince her and she laughs about it - so clearly this is something they laugh about. but you do just stand there and stare at him like what the fuck, man. you can't say what you want to say which is why do you get the final say on everything because they're both obviously aware of the other person's stance on this and have obviously had private conversations about it and what are you going to do about it except make a scene and then he'll be mad at you and call you one of those bitches behind your back and she'll cut you off, which is a loss that doesn't feel worth it just because he makes you a little skeeved out every 3rd comment
and they both agree he just isn't the type to get flowers which is fine because everyone shows love differently, and are you really gonna judge someone based on their sense of individual relationship responsibility? maybe he's constantly cleaning her car and writing her poems and making her furniture or something. maybe she doesn't even like flowers and this is perfect, actually. and no you couldn't date him, obviously, ew; but like, she tells you she's happy. you almost send her a tiktok that says don't be 25 and the cool girl that doesn't need anything, you'll hate not getting flowers at 30, but that's like, starting drama & you shouldn't start drama needlessly.
and you're a little older than her but not so much older you can pull the whole trust me on this one babe thing and besides that wouldn't have worked anyway (when does it ever) and besides you have trauma so you and your therapist both agree that you're always looking for a problem even when there isn't one. and you tell yourself that just because you see them for 15 minutes every month does not mean you can identify every single red flag based on a single shitty half-joking(?) comment
and besides, what are you going to do? she says i actually wanted another stand mixer but thankfully he stops me when i'm about to spend too much money and you're standing there like are you okay? is this normal? is this just something people say? and again - what are you going to do?
to your therapist you try to language it - it's not, like, any of my business. but sometimes, doesn't it feel like - you should do something. there's got to be something, right? you've tried dropping little hints but they sail right through and you've tried having a single serious conversation and she got upset because why does it matter to you, yes it's different but we're happy, it doesn't need to make sense to you and you're like. really unwilling to push a boundary about it anymore; because the truth is that you know logically it shouldn't matter to you, as long as both parties are happy.
and besides, you've been wrong before. it's just... like, every time you see them both, something else happens, some kind of shiver down your spine like do you even hear each other when you talk. it's their strange, bickering orbit. just the way he's on his phone through dinner or watching sports instead of helping in the kitchen or, fuck, another one of these little throwaway comments he makes about we'll see about that, babe. she laughs when he calls her passions stupid shit and meanwhile she gets him tickets to see the knicks and he tells you well at least she's smart about something and still! it's none of your business.
you say get the dog anyway and she laughs. like, this is is you being funny. and not you saying - no really. get the dog. get the dog and get out of here. pack up and start running.
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