#I aspire to be that amount of unbothered | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

charmedreincarnation · 1 year

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I’ve been getting a lot of messages and asks saying their faith in the law is lost so I just want to make this post as a reminder since you guys have seem to forgotten you are god.

My friend whom I am helping to shift, came to me for motivation. They were feeling down and lost in their journey because another year has been added to how long it had taken them to shift. So I’ll tell you guys what I told her. I told her to think of watching a movie. Any movie you have already watched imagine it. I’m sure there were times where it was scary and you thought your favorite character had reached the end of the roast. but by the end the movies has a good ending and as usual everything was ok. Now Pretend to watch it again, when the bad things come in the same movie you’re not going to be as shocked because you already know the ending is good so why should it matter. Everyone else in the theatre will be turning, shocked and gasping. They will be mumbling to their friends, “what do you think will happen!” But not you. You will sit there content, unbothered, and bored because you know it turns out well. That’s your journey.

Now we know the law, the void, shifting (or whatever you desire) is real. And if it’s not then you make it real be the first person to achieve it if your seriously think every single person on this earth since the dawn of time is lying. It’s possible if you think it is. It’s up to you if you think it’s worth it. no one else can convince you otherwise. In 10 years while you have everything you could want and more..you won’t remeber these days, weeks, months or however long it took for you to get your desires. Do you think that’s worth it? If not then give up now. If you think unconditional amount of happiness for the rest of your immortal life or however long you want to do it is worth it, then persist.

I know it sucks. Hearing persist all the time. No one wants to persist, we all want our desires now and we should get our desires now. It’s like those videos you see of rich people who use to poor telling current poor people, I made it So you can too! I feel as I have won the lottery with discovering the law, spirituality and more. I have gotten everything good in the world culminated into one big gifted experience so I don’t ever want to come out seeming like said rich people. But it’s true.

The only barriers from our goals is ourselves. The brain is an amazing thing, and shifting, the void, lucid dreaming, astral projection literally whatever you want is amazing! it only makes sense side effects of our brain as perfection does not exist is making internal struggles for our own journeys. But you can get your desires and you will. It’s only up to you to decide if it’s worth the time and no one else can change that. No one is more spiritually better, or luckier, or destined to get their desires . I’m not better or smarter than you because I have. Maybe luckier if that’s how you perceive it…but your time will come when you allow it. We will all soon bear the fruit of our labor, and I manifest that day is today for all of you.

If you don’t believe me the proof is in your meer existence. Society you see today and the way the world works and the earth is spin is due to our imagination. We were once neondarthals and homosapiens wandering with no desire, besides to bear children and eat. Now we have purpose, sky scrapers, roads, communication, religion, and free will because we aspired that to happen. We created everything we see today and you still doubt your ability when it’s right in front of you. We were all born to do, and this isn’t a special new thing we discovered but our inborn right. Wake up and persist, reap the rewards you have sown. Now do the same for your life. That is all 💓

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vcmpirequeen · 2 months

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MARCELINE ABADEER is based on MARCELINE from adventure time. she is a 33 year old/immortal half-vampire/half-demon, aspiring musician, and uses she/they pronouns. she has the power of transformation, flight, and color consumption & is written by ALEX.

IC INFO: after having been alive for a thousand years, perhaps, some would expect marceline to be bored with the world or entirely lacking empathy, yet she's managed to cling to her more human traits throughout the centuries. they’re naturally emotional, even if they have difficulty expressing their feelings directly apart from through their music, and sentimental, attaching herself to the objects and people that have stood beside her throughout the years. she's playful, occupying days with mischief often to the annoyance of those around her - yet rarely intentionally malicious, unless forced to more malevolent deeds due to hunger. still, a certain amount of selfishness after centuries of having to survive alone dwells, as well as lingering fears of abandonment and a general independent nature.

to most, marceline is seen as fearless - and is, when it comes to facing monsters and slaying beasts, yet facing vulnerability remains something of a struggle, even if they’ve found herself opening up more in recent years than most of their life. she holds deep care for those surrounding her, truly wishing to help them and being willing to sacrifice things dear to her for them. half demon and vampire queen she may be, but that half human side of her will always remain.

HEADCANONS:

they're a thousand years old - they’ve lost track of their moral code - and the gender binary. i headcanon marcy as nonbinary, usually using she or they pronouns but really she’s chill with whatever!

coming from a place like ooo, they're not great at blending in, constantly fighting the urge to float above the ground like they always used to, suck red from objects in front of others, scare people by shapeshifting, etc. after hundreds of years of instinctual actions, she can’t help but fall back into her patterns at times - and will just try to act like she definitely wasn't just hovering a few feet above the ground if someone acts shocked.

while adventurous and mostly unbothered by being transported into evermore, she’s also very sentimental and finds herself quietly missing pieces of home… not that she’ll ever tell anyone. it hurts, seeing the faces of those she calls her best friends not even recognize her.

and, though happy to have a new land to explore, they hate being trapped in a single town. she’s definitely tried to fly as high as she could to see if she could break past whatever barrier is trapping them within… only to land right back where they started.

they're slowly rebuilding their wardrobe in evermore: with plenty of red, of course, but she’ll only suck the red from her clothes as a last resort! most days, she’s wearing long gloves, a wide-brimmed sunhat, or carrying around a parasol to protect her skin - definitely just because she really cares about her skincare routine and not because she's a vamp.

she’s a constant wanderer, with no sort of permanent address currently, as "aspiring musician" doesn't exactly pay the bills. so, their "wardrobe" is more of a stuffed suitcase, and their beloved axe bass is nearly always with them.

and canon, but for the non adventure time fans, yes, marceline IS a vampire, but she consumes the color red rather than blood - and, of course, can drink blood, but tends to only do so when starved of red and forced into a frenzy. they can even drink shades of it like pink, though it doesn't sustain them to the same degree. she's actually incredibly wary of other vampires, given that she was a former vampire hunter before being turned into the last vampire in ooo against her will. but, given that most vampires in evermore aren't as cruel as the ones she fought back home, they're going to try to give them another chance - and maybe it'll be nice to have some others who can understand her.

though bonnie is the genius between them, marceline is fairly intelligent herself - in different ways than bonnibel, with a creative mind rather than analytical (not that bonnie isn't also creative, but they aren't exactly the rockstar marcy is)… but they can’t be bothered to apply themselves if it doesn’t involve something fun or musical.

#& intro

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roguelov · 1 year

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I posted 9,666 times in 2022

That's 8,670 more posts than 2021!

205 posts created (2%)

9,461 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@tardis-23

@duckland

@trelaney

@dothrckis

@just-an-adventurer

I tagged 3,547 of my posts in 2022

#the sandman - 896 posts

#stranger things - 150 posts

#😂😂😂 - 128 posts

#jjk - 124 posts

#moon knight - 108 posts

#morpheus - 77 posts

#eddie munson - 70 posts

#ask - 68 posts

#jujutsu kaisen - 66 posts

#dream of the endless - 62 posts

Longest Tag: 123 characters

#and this man said something along the lines of ‘no one has an original idea it’s how you execute it that makes it original’

My Top Posts in 2022:

Disgraced

Summary: You, a priest once fiercely devoted, now find yourself straying from your faith. Dreams of lust and sin fill your nights. And, he hears them. Soon, you find temptation knocking on your door in the form of the Dream Lord himself.

Word Count: ~1.3k

Reader: Gender Neutral

Warning: Heavily implied smut (light choking, corruption, oral but no actual deed), religion themes

Note: Just a short fun sinful story to stir your imaginations

MINOR DNI/18+ ONLY

Abandoned. Forgotten.

Or at least, nearly.

Alone, with the ghosts of old and passing memories, you stood in a church - your church, your place of worship, one you’ve tirelessly rebuilt - at the altar faintly reciting a passage. Your voice was swallowed by the vast amount of empty pews, drifting on the stale air. Alone, you were in the creeping darkness. The only light came off to your side, from the handful of candles lit by the occasional wanderer, one who sought faith and comfort. But in truth, most were from yourself at this unholy hour.

You couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t find the stillness to do so.

So, in a place meant for a crowd, it was just you. You and your dwindling faith.

But, not for long.

Emerging from the shadows, a silhouette, with tendrils of smoke that twisted and curled on one another, strolled down the aisle towards you. The outer edges slowly solidified. It formed a man, a man in a dark billowing coat and untamable hair stared directly up at you on your perch.

The last word of the passage fell off your lips. Broken and unsure. Sighing, you closed your bible.

“Hello.”

You flinched. You knew that voice, you knew it well. The voice which has haunted your dreams night after night, a voice filled with sin.

“Dream Lord,” you whispered in recognition.

He stepped closer, further into the dim light. His eyes were a soft, tender light blue; one which could bring a sense of calm, yet it brought nothing but fear. Your senses screamed to run, to run from him and what he brought.

“What are you doing here?” You asked hesitantly.

“You called.”

His voice swirled around, lulling you - tempting you.

Your face scrunched up, and you huffed, “I did no such thing.”

“Not in the Waking, but in the Dreaming you did.”

Your cheeks flushed. If one could call such a sinful experience - experiences - a dream. Dreams which constantly tested your waning devotion.

Dream stalked forth. Like a predator cornering his helpless prey. He commanded the room. A room, a place, erected for another god, and yet he walked through its walls with his head held high. And you would almost say, smugly.

You stepped back, stepped back from this temptation.

He persisted.

Undeterred and unbothered by your initial resentments.

Your odd dance ended with you trapped you against the wall, under the hanging cross with the snake curling around you. Morpheus loomed in front of you, impossibly close. His breath fanned across your skin, his warmth called out to you. He raised his hand and caressed your cheek.

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560 notes - Posted September 6, 2022

Mine, Ours

Summary: A mortal, an aspiring artist, captured the heart of a muse, a Greek goddess, and an Endless. Soon these deities became entangled in your life. Their love surrounded you. And you always assumed they were unaware of the other, oh how wrong could you be. Now they wished to show you how much you mean to them.

Word Count: ~7k

Reader: Afab/fem

Warnings: Smut (threesome, oral (fem!receiving and fem!giving and faceridding), unprotected sex, fingering, voyeurism, minor dirty talk, minor praise kink), fluff sprinkled throughout

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968 notes - Posted September 16, 2022

Only in Dreams

Summary: Married to Dream of the Endless, for centuries, you never expected to feel neglected. Yet even after his return, his attention turned to the Dreaming and ensuring its stability and future. While, your own needs and wants pulled at you. And soon your dreams were slowly filled with pleasure. Just not exactly from Morpheus.

Word Count: ~4k

Reader: Afab

Warning: smut (unprotected sex, oral receiving (afab), switch!reader, switch!dream, dirty talk, fingering), bits of angst, and some fluff

Tags: @lizajane2, @layla2-49

MINOR DNI/ 18+ ONLY

Soft light filtered through the tall windows. Specs of dust glowed in the light, casting a dreamlike hazy in the air. The royal library was a spectacular sight. Endless floors, and winding mazes of shelves, continued to grow and grow.

Comforting, and welcoming.

Yet, a squeaky cart echoed, disrupting the peace. Or it would if anyone else were here enjoying the thousands and thousands of books.

It was you, and you alone. You wheeled around the infernal cart, shelving new books added to the Dreaming. While, Lucienne was off collecting a new census, and as you suspected, a reason to step outside the library’s walls.

But, company soon appeared.

“And what are you doing?” A presence loomed behind you.

Smiling to yourself, you barely turned your head in acknowledgement. “Shelving books.”

Morpheus hummed. “Care to have some company?”

“I would love some,” you smiled. You continued to move down the bookshelf with Morpheus trailing along like your shadow. “So, what have you been up to, my king?”

Morpheus moved to the side of you. “Usual business.”

“How vague,” you teased a bit.

A smile twitched on his lips. “I do not wish to bore you with all the details on how to run a kingdom.”

You hummed, twisting to shelve another book. A mistake. Instantly, like a spring loaded viper, Morpheus pressed himself against your back. His hands curled around the shelves above, white knuckling it. Still facing ahead, you smirked to yourself, “Yes, my king?”

His hand fell from the wooden shelves, and circled around your waist. “Why do you address me as such? Call me by my name, sweetness.”

You leaned your head back and whispered in his ear. “Morpheus.”

A groan rumbled in his throat.

Your heart skipped. It was such a beautiful noise. You laughed through your nose. “I think you have lied to me. I think you are the one in need of some company.”

“Is that a problem?” He buried his face into your neck.

“No.”

“Good.” He pressed a gentle kiss, almost desperate to refrain himself, in the crook of your neck. “Oh, how I have missed you.”

“Have you?”

“Yes,” he breathed into the shell of your ear, sending pleasant shivers down your spine. “You have tainted my thoughts all day, I could not focus at all.”

You spun around in his grasp. Books and shelves dug into your back. But, you didn’t mind. “Oh, have I? And what have you thought about?”

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2,642 notes - Posted September 4, 2022

I love the whole battle between Morpheus and Lucifer it’s just beautiful illustrated and a neat concept overall while also giving incite to who these characters are but I can’t help but think of this as also two kids in the park just trying to one up each other until one gets frustrated and says the other cheated then leaves

2,844 notes - Posted August 18, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

If you dream of Morpheus does that mean the dreaming makes a fake one or is Morpheus yanked out of his throne and given a 3 am caffeine induced coma of a script that he has to comply to?

3,632 notes - Posted September 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #I love the absolute jump of numbers in my tags #and it’s all sandman baby

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taechaos · 3 years

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New Idea

pairing: Step-brother!Taehyung x Fem!Reader

warnings: non-con, bondage, pseudo-incest, sadism, smut, mentions of killing

synopsis: You wished to hang out with your brother Taehyung when he wasn't home, only to realize he was better off staying away.

word count: 3.2k

It was late at night. Rain flooded outside, drops trickled down your window and puddles formed on the roads as they reflected the neon lit storefront signs beautifully. The tears from the clouds splashed against the cement loudly, and you watched the empty streets in boredom. With your cheek leaning on your palm, elbow propped up on the round wooden table across your window, you miserably yearned to feel some sort of sugar rush with a deep frown on your face. Things have been mundane, repeating the same old routines as days quickly went by. You wondered what Taehyung had been up to in the time that he’d been gone. You knew he could resolve your boredom instantly had he been right beside you.

Taehyung – your step-brother who was the embodiment of adrenaline, and was most likely awake with you right now. The man never slept, always staying up at night brainstorming ideas for what to do during the day that was no doubt just as exciting as the day before. Bags adorned his eyes that somehow fit his wild persona that never needed asking for permission to do things that were illegal most of the time. It was especially daring when having strict parents, and the only reason he wasn’t locked up in a mental institution was because he was the pride of your family with excelling grades in college that he rarely ever attended. They never approved of anything he’d done, especially not the teal hair he was currently rocking. You on the other hand, looked up to him as a role model.

What you’d do to see him right now. Sometimes he tagged you along with his adventures, such as exploring abandoned buildings and getting matching tattoos on your forearms that he chose. Despite the rebellious acts he put you through, he always defended you against your parents and got away with everything with a light scolding from his smooth tongue. Admiration wouldn’t begin to describe the amount of respect you had for him, though he was rarely ever around. Unbeknownst to you however, he never failed to go a day without pecking your cheek while you were unconscious.

He was everything you aspired to be: a carefree soul with a creative mind and a heart filled with exhilaration. The only thing he hadn’t done was probably murder. It was a shame that absence made the heart grow fonder, because throughout the time you’d known him since your early teens, he hadn’t changed one bit with his disappearances that could go on for days.

Taehyung never changed.

Was this what they called depression? Feeling numb and hating your life for how ordinary it was? You didn’t know, but what you knew was that you really needed Taehyung right now. It was 3AM and your parents were sound asleep in the apartment while you moped over how much you missed your step-brother’s presence. Not a single moment was dull with him, while you were too much of a coward to go through with any of your desires.

And as if your prayers were answered, a pound came on the door. The loud knock instantly gave away the person behind the door; Taehyung, who never cared for how loud he was unless he was on a stealthy mission.

Your heart skipped a beat as the door swung open and the silhouette of your step-brother entered before it was slammed shut with a lock. “You’re awake?” he asked in a whisper without moving an inch when he noticed your seated form.

“Can’t sleep,” you breathed, unable to hide the joy you felt upon seeing him in your tone. He couldn’t have picked a better time to visit you.

“Why not?” he walked over to you before kneeling. There was a smile on his face that matched yours, instantly giving away he came to your room with purpose. It was expected, for he never approached you if not to tell you about one of his newer ideas.

“Was bored.”

“So was I,” a mischievous smirk graced his face. The street lights outside illuminated his messy hair that your hand itched to ruffle. “But I found us a solution.”

Your eyes gleamed with hope, your grin never faltering. “Tell me,” you impatiently urged, your knees already bouncing up and down with excitement.

“I’ll give you a hint: we’ll both be having fun. But you need to listen to me,” he cautioned with a raised finger. You nodded frantically, willing to do whatever he needed you to do. “Okay, stand up.”

You obeyed him and only then noticed the bag slung over his shoulder once you stood before him. “Let me do all the work, yeah? You just stand still.”

“I really want to know what it is,” you whined and bounced on your feet.

Taehyung held onto your tits that bounced with you and you quietly gasped. “Better not be acting like this with anyone other than me. Naughty,” he scolded before unzipping his small pouch.

“I don’t go out without a bra,” you rolled your eyes playfully. Taehyung was notorious for doing and saying things without a filter, uncaring of the effect it had on others. This was simply him looking after you without any boundaries, because he never set any with you.

He pulled out a duct tape from the mystery bag. “Turn around and hold your hands behind you.” You complied without protest, the ripping of a duct tape resounding in the room as he tore it with his teeth. He taped your wrists together like cuffs before facing you again by the pull of your shoulder.

Confusion washed over you, but not a trace of fear. “What’s this about?”

“Now go lie down,” he ignored you and nodded at your bed. You sat on the center, your sheets already rumpled from all the tossing and turning you’d done in an attempt to sleep. His figure loomed over you and your heart raced in anticipation. “Don’t move, okay?”

You silently watched him with piqued curiosity as he pushed you down. The soft mattress dipped under your weight and you didn’t move a muscle until you felt him tug at your flannel pajama pants. “Taehyung? What are you doing?”

“Just trust me,” he ignored you again and you furrowed your brows as he undressed you. “You’re going to like it.”

Without a single clue of his intentions, you expected him to change your pants after he took them off, but definitely didn’t expect him to aim at your panties next. The second he held onto the hems, you crawled away from him and repeated more firmly, “Taehyung, what are you doing?”

He yanked you back to him by your ankles. “Don’t you trust me? You said you’d listen to me.”

“I don’t think I want to do this,” you strained and tried to pull your knees to your chest, but he tightened his grip on your ankles.

“It’ll be fun, just sit still,” he spoke airily, his tone unbothered compared to your worried one. “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

Once you felt somewhat reassured, you relaxed your legs and lied back down. The discomfort swallowed you whole when he undressed your bottom half completely. The chilly air hit your bare legs and left goosebumps in its wake.

“You shouldn’t be shy about being naked with me,” he chuckled and tapped your pussy carelessly. You yelped and bent your knees again.

“Taehyung, this isn’t right,” you stressed and clenched your thighs together. You were growing wary about this ‘idea’ and you weren’t sure whether his pupils were dilated because of the dark anymore. He could be high. “Let’s try something else, please.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he scoffed and spread your thighs apart, hovering over your loins. “You’re going to love this, just calm it.” He grabbed the duct tape again and tore off a smaller piece before placing it on your mouth, making your efforts of leaning away fruitless. Your voice was muffled behind the sticky tape as you shook your head. “Don’t make me tape your legs too,” he warned as you tried pushing him away. He sat on your knees as he began unzipping his washed denim jeans, ignoring your babbling.

“Been watching a lot of porn lately,” he began casually as tears brimmed in your eyes. “I usually find it boring, but I came across a video that I couldn’t resist reenacting. Plus you were bored too,” he defended, “it’d be mean if I spared my little sister of this fun.”

You didn’t know whether he was joking or not, but you were ready to start crying if he was actually doing what you were thinking. You sighed in relief when he reached for his pouch for a pair of scissors. It had to be a joke then–

Taehyung began cutting your shirt from the middle, and you whimpered when your tits were on full display. Your nipples hardened as a result of the exposure, and tears immediately began streaming down your face mixed with muffled sobs.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad,” he exclaimed, “we’re not related by blood. It should be fine.”

When you continued crying, he said, “I’ll take off my shirt too, if it helps.” He heaved his t-shirt over his head, his firm chest hard to make out in the midnight dark. “I was thinking kissing would ease you into it, but only if you’re quiet.” Your cries grew louder instead. He sighed exasperatedly, “You can be such a crybaby sometimes.”

He started leaving open-mouthed kisses on your neck, and you whimpered at the feeling. You were ticklish and though you were completely terrified, the kisses were a bit soothing. “This is me being nice to you, because oh boy, that guy in the video was a fucking monster,” he laughed while going down the valley between your breasts. A finger flicked your nipple while his other hand rubbed over your folds. “Want me to eat you out first? You’re not wet enough.”

You shook your head in refusal, so he merely shrugged and began circling your clit instead, his fingers now pinching your nipple. His mouth latched onto your other nipple and he swirled his tongue around the areola, clashing pleasure with pain. The rain drowned out your involuntary moans but Taehyung caught them anyway; it wasn’t hard to miss when your arousal began coating his hand. He released your nipple with a pop and locked eyes with you. “You’re enjoying this? Not gonna lie, I was expecting you to cry longer but... you're a little slutty, aren't you?” He slapped your pussy experimentally and smiled when you moaned loudly. “Keep this up and I might just take off the tape.”

For a moment, he wondered if this was why people enjoyed sex so much; your moans were like music to his ears and your body was making his cock throb even more. He could really get used to this, he thought as he slapped your pussy over and over, the sound echoing in the room along with your high-pitched whines.

“Shit, I need to record this,” he mumbled before reaching for his phone on his back pocket. Your protests went to deaf ears as he began recording your pussy and spanked it, the microphone picking up all your sounds of pleasure. Once it reached the one-minute mark, he threw his phone on your pillow and took out his erect length from its restraints, giving it a few pumps as the tip oozed with pre-cum. “I never thought fucking you would be this easy. Thought about it every time I touched myself.”

You went quiet at the revelation and he smirked at your raised brows. “Why are you surprised? Whenever I’m home, you come hug me with your bare tits pressed up against me. Not that I’m complaining of course,” he chuckled hotly. “Want me to kiss you now?”

When you didn’t respond quickly enough, he ripped the tape off of your mouth without mercy and your eyes teared up at the pain with an ouch. He didn’t waste a second in enveloping his lips with yours as he cupped your pussy, smearing his pre-cum on your labia. He swallowed your moans as his mouth moved vigorously, tongue meeting yours as he explored your cavern. The smacking of your lips caused you to clench your hole, the sound arousing to your ears as you kissed him back.

“You going to stay quiet for me?” he murmured against your lips, his cock poking at your hole teasingly. You hesitated but nodded nonetheless. “Good girl,” he praised with a grin and lightly pecked you before properly positioning himself.

The reason why Taehyung was so eager to have sex with you wasn’t just because he was horny, but also because really wanted it to be your pussy that he fucked first, and maybe second, and third. He was a virgin who watched too much porn when he wasn’t outside, and now that you were 18, he thought it to be the perfect timing for you to lose your virginity to him like he’d imagined when he was 15.

Due to his experience, he didn’t ease into your pussy and instead shoved his cock entirely. You screamed and he instantly put a hand over your mouth. “Too much?” he asked with a strained voice. His cock was just begging to be thrusted into you, but he couldn’t have you screaming and waking your parents. When you nodded with eyes shut in pain, he groaned to himself. He was twitching inside you, and after a few seconds, he began moving.

You were crying and bitching again, but he paid no mind to it as he pressed his hand onto your mouth while gently slamming his hips into you, his courtesy for now. You'd adjust sooner or later, but the stretch was excruciating; your walls stung and you started to bleed on him.

"Oh fuck," he giggled sadistically once he noticed the crimson fluid, "that didn't happen in the video." He gazed into your glossy eyes before quickening his pace, growing rougher. "You're crying again; what's new?"

Taehyung was laughing as he was moaning, but you couldn’t hear anything except for the ringing in your ears. Your heart pounded and you were struggling to breathe through your nose as he fucked you relentlessly.

“I kind of feel bad for you,” he panted with a sinister smile. “Does it still hurt?” He took your sobs as a yes. “Poor baby,” he cooed with a pout before moving his free hand to your clit. “This might help.” You were struggling with your bound hands, but you couldn’t move your legs because of how much it hurt. Your fighting was useless, and your body was growing numb except for the thumb that made it less painful.

Taehyung removed his hand from your mouth to hear your moans clearly. Whether it was from pleasure or pain, he didn’t know, but he loved it. He wanted to be the only one to see you in this state. He’d gauge out any eyes that got to see you naked and stab any ears that got to hear your pretty sounds.

But it was a little difficult to savour it when he was reaching his climax so soon; damn inexperience and the low stamina that came with. He had enough self-control to pull out of you to finish himself off with his hand. He missed the warmth and tightness of your pussy and how it kept clenching down on him quickly, but it had to come at a cost – not cumming inside you.

“You fucking monster!” you yelled hoarsely, eyes blurred with tears and face covered in tears.

“Too loud,” he sighed and forced your mouth open to shove his length inside. “Try anything, and I’ll fucking kill you.” His cock was heavy on your tongue as you gagged on it every time he thrusted. It wasn’t long before he released in your mouth and you choked, swallowing his cum without a choice. Another loud moan erupted from him as his hips stuttered while gently slamming into you for the last time.

“Fuck,” he exhaled before collapsing on you with his palms holding up to not smother you completely. “Shit, you’re such a good fucking girl.”

When he raised his face from your shoulder, you spat on him. He laughed hysterically before wiping off your saliva from his cheek. “I’ll make it up to you, damn.”

“You’re the fucking worst Taehyung,” your voice wavered as you insulted him. “I hope you rot in hell. I always saw you as my role model, but now I understand why everyone fucking hates you.”

“Sheesh,” he snorted, “I told you I’d make it up to you, didn’t I? It might hurt now, but it’ll feel a lot better when we do it again.”

“If you try-” he cut you off by going down on you, taking his clit into your mouth and immediately emitting a moan out of you. “Stop, stop, stop,” you chanted in gasps, trapping his head with your thighs and contradicting your words. He chuckled against your swollen pussy, making it feel even better and yet worse. This euphoric sensation wasn’t what you needed after being traumatized by your own step-brother, but it was what your body wanted after getting a taste of his tongue.

He was slurping up your juices and spitting on your folds before abusing your clit again. The bastard knew how to distract you from your newfound grudge, but you weren’t going to forgive him after your orgasm. Your hips moved against him on instinct as his tongue ran up and down your labia. A knot formed in your stomach, your tears long forgotten as you became more persistent in riding him in this awkward position. He heaved your thighs over his shoulder to take full control, and with his vigorous sucking and pulling, you came undone with a spasm.

“Feels good, right?” he asked rhetorically and fell limp next to you.

“I’ve never hated someone as much as you,” you seethed while recovering from your high.

“You’re going to tell me that wasn’t fun? No way,” he stared at you in disbelief.

“You hurt me,” you sniffled and covered your face.

"I'm sorry princess," the nickname felt foreign on his tongue as he held your arm. "I'll leave forever if you want me to."

He hummed when you stayed silent with a runny nose. "I'll clean you up and go, okay?"

"No," you huffed. "You become my slave for a whole month."

"You want me to stay home with you?"

You nodded while rubbing your eyes with your fists. "You can't do that and just leave, and I hate you but I miss you."

Taehyung resisted the urge to squeeze your cheek and coo. He knew you'd regret asking him to stay, but he wouldn't say no to spending time with you 24/7.

Chuckling through his nose, he said, "I miss you too." He traced the tattoo on your forearm, a minimalistic mockingbird with an arrow slicing through the middle. He picked it because it represented you; an innocent little thing who didn't even look down at her wound, only focused on flying back to Taehyung, a hawk that waited with open arms - ready for his meal.

If you wanted him to stay, then that's what Taehyung would do. You'd fallen for his trap twice, the third wouldn't be so bad. He'd make sure you enjoyed it this time.

#bts #kim taehyung #bts x reader #taehyung x reader #kth #thekpopnetwork #taehyung smut #bts smut #bts imagines #bts scenarios

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jjmaybankx · 4 years

Text

FEEL THAT LOVE | TEN · WHELVE

JJ MAYBANK FANFICTION masterlist < six < seven < eight < nine

warnings: suicide!! please read the author’s note at the end

TEN ❀☼❀ WHELVE .✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

whelve (v.) to bury something deep; to hide

☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

FOR TWO TEENAGERS, life was years of childhood abuse. For the girl, it was at the hands of an uncle, and for the boy, at the hands of his father. One of their abuse was common knowledge for those on the island, and the other had it whelved deep within her, only two other people knowing about it's existence. One of which the island turns a blind eye to, choosing to ignore the problem, while the other's problem was happening right under the noses of the people who would put a stop to it if they could.

Only problem was, Brielle Macatangay didn't want to break her mother's heart at the news of who her favorite cousin was, through and through.

She woke up the day of Midsummers with a heavy heart. On top of everything else in her life, she opened her social media to read news about a passing. So many "fly high" tweets and "I remember when's" flooded her timeline, and her heart broke for the person, for their family, for herself.

She had flashbacks to her freshman year when she had known the person—for a short period of time they had been friends, he was a year older than her. They would talk almost every day for a little while, having mutual friends that eventually introduced the pair. She remembered his hair—the perm it had been in that year. She remember his words, his aspirations, how he wanted to own a business. She remembered his dog, his mother who fed her at a baseball game once. She remembered when they began to drift, how she did nothing to try to stop it once she found out he was starting to get in trouble with the law.

And her heart hurt over and over again. Over the thoughts of what could she have done to save him. If she had just checked twitter before going to bed, maybe she'd see his calls for help, calls for someone to talk to. But she hadn't, and instead, now she can only see remembrance photos of a boy she hadn't talk to in years.

Fly highs and "remember to check on your friends. Mental health is no joke" all over the time line, people telling others to remember to make sure their friends and family knew they were loved. Things people should've done for him when he was alive, something the whole community seemed to fail him in.

They couldn't change what happened, but they could change the next steps, their next actions. You really do never know what someone is going through.

❀☼❀

She walked into the Island Club with her parents and Dario, looking around to see the same people who had been at their house the night before for Dario's party. Her parents had catered for the party, cooking all morning. They had their employees working the food table so that they could attend the party as guests.

She split up to try to find Kiara, smiling as she passed people in the crowd, but someone had grabbed her hand.

She turned around fast, smiling when she noticed the blonde in front of her.

"Hey, Sarah," she smiled, pulling the middle Cameron child into a hug. "You look so pretty!"

"So do you," Sarah said, standing back to look at Brielle's dress.

The two girls moved together towards the food table, grabbing something to drink as they took in the party.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," Sarah said to her as they both sipped on fruit punch. "I don't even know what's going through my brother's head or Topper's with them ganging up on JJ like that."

Brielle merely shrugged, trying to act like she was unbothered.

"What is going on with you and JJ?" Sarah inquired.

"Nothing," Brielle said nonchalantly, shrugging once more. "We hung out once where we didn't hate each other, it was nice, but it wasn't us."

Sarah quirked up an eyebrow at her, snickering as she shook her head.

"What?" Brielle questioned, but she already knew what the snickering was for.

"Rose and Wheezie saw you and JJ a few days ago coming to the Figure Eight," Sarah explained. "Their first reaction was that you guys were together."

"He was literally mowing my lawn," laughed Brielle. "There's nothing going on between JJ and I."

"I saw the two of you dancing together," teased Sarah, knocking her side into Brielle's.

Brielle shook her head, a smile on her face.

"New topic please."

The two Kook girls stuck together at the party, Brielle not even looking for Kiara anymore. She had seen her parents and even Pope, who was working with his dad, but no Kiara. Brielle assumed that she didn't attend Midsummers. The Island Club wasn't really Kiara's scene anyways.

❀☼❀

Watching as Dario's plane took off was one of the best feelings that Brielle had felt in a while. The pressure that was weighing on her chest was lifted, it was like she could finally breathe, finally sleep in her own house without being scared.

Kiara celebrated the occasion by enticing John B to throw a kegger. With Big John still out sailing, the Pogues could basically do whatever they wanted at the Chateau, but they threw it at Boneyard Beach like normal. If John B or Pope knew about JJ and Brielle, they sure as hell weren't showing that they did.

"She's literally always wearing pants," is what Brielle heard at the kegger while she was standing with Pope by the keg, laughing at something the Heyward boy said.

Since sleeping over at the Chateau, her friendships with John B and Pope grew. She was always closer to them than with JJ, always comfortable to be around them, but it was almost as if sleeping at the Chateau with them solidified that she was one of them for life.

"She wasn't always like that," someone else behind her said. "She used to walk around in a bikini no matter the weather."

The smile on Pope's face faded, indicating he had heard what they were saying. He looked at Brielle, who was sending her best dressed smile as she acted like she heard nothing.

"You good?" he asked her in a hushed tone.

"Just peachy, why?" she asked.

Pope looked at her with a suspicious glance, but decided to let it go. He started to talk to her about college and the things he wanted to do in the future because he knew he could with her, without getting the teasing or weird glances that others usually gave him.

"Kooks, six o'clock," he whispered in her ear.

She peered over her shoulder as Rafe, Topper, Kelce, and Sarah walked into the area. Her and Kelce made eye contact, and she rolled her eyes at him when he tried to smile. She turned back to face Pope, staring at the small amount of beer left in her cup.

"You good now?" he asked again, seeing her change of attitude at the looks of the Kooks. "I don't like them either, but they're usually your friends."

"Just mad at them right now, I guess," she merely shrugged. "Just the boys, though."

Pope nodded even if he didn't understand it. He looked behind her, trying to silently get her attention as she glanced down at the liquid in her cup, but she didn't realize it until it was too late.

A finger poked at her shoulder, and she turned around to see Kelce standing behind her.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

She looked between Pope and then to Kelce, before she shook her head, crossing her arms. "I'd rather now."

"I'm sorry for last night," was the first thing Kelce said, blurting it out to her.

"As you should be," she had responded. "I don't even understand what the hell last night was about."

"Rafe and Topper thought they were doing me a favor," he sighed. "I didn't like it. I didn't ask them to corner JJ like that!"

Pope looked taken aback at the mention of JJ.

When was JJ with Brielle? he wondered.

"But you didn't necessarily stop them from cornering JJ and insulting him, now did you?" she questioned.

This was a new sight for Pope, watching Brielle defend JJ instead of being the one to insult him.

"It's not my fault they did that!"

"But you distracted me so that they could."

Kelce pressed his lips to a line, knowing she wasn't going to let up on her anger towards him.

"They did it because I like you," he admitted.

Pope looked anywhere but at them as he stood right next to Brielle, fidgeting as he took a sip of his drink, feeling the secondhand embarrassment.

Brielle's eyebrows furrowed and her face contorted with confusion before she just shook her head.

"No excuses."

Kelce nodded slowly before walking away. Brielle shook her head angrily, turning back to Pope. He handed her, her drink and quirked up an eyebrow at her.

"JJ?" he questioned.

"Long story," she replied.

"I saw you two days ago, how long could it be?" he asked.

❀☼❀

"Okay, long story," agreed Pope, nodding after listening to what Brielle had to say.

With JJ and Kiara both knowing the truth about Dario, Brielle was starting to feel more comfortable about coming clean about it to her friends. Something that was once a secret that made her feel disgusting and worthless was becoming something she was feeling strong enough to talk about. The only part of the story that she left out was her and JJ's prior history.

He nudged her arm with his lightly, telling her, "You know we got you, right?"

"I know," she nodded, leaning into his side.

"For what it's worth, we all saw this coming," Pope said to her, earning a puzzled expression. "You and JJ? We all saw it coming. From the way you guys get under each other's skin with just one glance."

She shoved him lightly, shaking her head in disapproval of his statement, but the light smile on her face showed that she wasn't upset.

"We should go look for the others, yeah?" Pope suggested.

She nodded, and they moved through the scattered groups of Tourons, Kooks, and fellow Pogues until they got to a small bonfire, people sitting on stumps around it. Kiara, John B, and JJ were there, making s'mores. They were each sitting on their own stump, John B across from Kiara, JJ on their side. On the fourth stump was a basket with the s'more supplies.

"There they are!" Kiara cheered when she saw them, John B eyeing JJ suspiciously when his smile was wiped off his face. "I've been texting the both of you!"

"Sorry, we were distracted," Pope said sheepishly.

That statement made JJ's head perk up. Pope went to sit net to JJ on the side of the stump closest to John B. Brielle sat down next to Kiara on the side that was closer to JJ than the s'mores.

The Carrera girl reached over, grabbing a stick and a marshmallow, handing it to Brielle.

"What were you two distracted with?" John B questioned absentmindedly, smooshing his marshmallow between two graham crackers.

"Just talking," shrugged Pope, looking across the fire at Brielle as she smiled at him.

JJ looked between the two of them, an unreadable expression on his face as he tried to act unbothered.

"Did Dario go home today?" Kiara asked her, but she was looking at JJ when she asked.

Brielle nodded. The blonde boy next to Pope had a small smile grow on his face, a wave of relief crashing over it.

"Who's Dario?" John B asked.

Everyone just looked at him, a mutual understanding that he was the only one left in the group of Pogues that didn't know. Brielle looked back at the group where Sarah stood, waving at her blonde friend. If she told John B, that would just continue to solidify how far Brielle was moving towards being more of a Pogue than a Kook.

Whelved deep inside her, she knew she was only ever nice to the rest of the Kooks because she loved being Sarah's friend. She couldn't care less about the rest of them, but the group in front of her, she actually did care about them, their lives, the things they did and went through.

Kiara grabbed her hand when she realized that Brielle was going to talk to John B about it, too. It felt kind of euphoric, to be able to talk so openly about the things that had happened to her, to know she was saying it to people who would care about it. She glanced at Sarah another time, knowing that she was the only one in the group of Kooks that she would ever consider telling.

But in that moment, when Kelce looked over at Brielle, even he knew: she was more of a Pogue than she was a Kook. It wasn't the money that made their labels, but their associations and mindsets.

❀☼❀ next chapter? send in asks about how you feel about this story so far! i’d love to have feedback.

❀☼❀ reblog this post to be added to an obx gc!

❀☼❀ taglist let me know if you wanna be added!

@ellystone @wicked-laugh @spilledtee @chinamolina602 @newhopenessie @callmequeenbeee

❀☼❀ AUTHOR'S NOTE

This chapter started on a heavy, heavy note, with Brielle finding out the passing of a classmate. It brings tears to my eyes as I write it. This is a tribute to someone I know who I found out I lost yesterday. Like Brielle, we hadn't talked in years, and we had been close friends my freshman year. Everything that Brielle sees on twitter and her remembering of him, is me remembering the one in my life who thought he wasn't worthy of his own. Parts of me is mad at myself for not seeing his cries for help sooner—we follow each other still, I could've seen them, I could've been there, but I wasn't. I don't really know if anyone was. My heart aches for his mother and the sweet woman I know her to be, filling up my plate at a baseball game even though I told her I wasn't hungry.

So please, do remember to tell your loved ones that you love them. Do remember to check on people, even those who(ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO) are struggling down a path of drug abuse, selling drugs, any form of substance abuse, people going down a path of trouble with the law... something got them to that point. there's something in their lives that drove them to that point. don't be like me, don't let a friendship drift just because you don't agree with their lifestyle.

sometimes, they don't either, but they don't know what else to turn to. i do say this with knowing it can be emotionally draining on your part to try to save every person in your life who is struggling, i've been there. so, know your own limits. know when you need to walk away from trying to save someone in order to save yourself.

fly high, my old friend. you were a memory of good times when you were alive, and you're going to continue to be that for me even now, even in the future.

on a whole different note, not too sure if i've mentioned this, but this story is based off of "love again" by new hope club, so you'll find easter eggs to that song everywhere in the story.

#jjmaybankx;feel that love #jj maybank #jj maybank fanfiction #jj imagines #jj obx #jj obx imagine #jj obx imagines #jj outer banks #jj outerbanks imagines #rudy pankow #rudy pankow fanfiction #rudy pankow imagine

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sinitar-the-reborn · 3 years

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Unrecognizable

The air was thick, smelling of cigars and burning dust. It was a welcoming change to the sour rain outside which left ringlets of bleached color on the charcoal raincoat. A weather typical for the southern hemisphere of Aquina Prime only furthered Litvak’s disdain for the planet. It matters not - two more days and he would be gone.

It was nothing unordinary, nothing illegal. He kept reassuring himself with each step he took to descend into the lower levels of the building where vibrations turned into droning and repetitive music, something one would find in a cheap club past midnight.

A heavy double door swung open. A bright flash of lights - pink, blue, green - blinded him as he walked through it. Before he could even look around properly, a firm hand circled his bicep.

“Litvak, isn’t it?” A most unexpected Scottish accent stopped him.

“You will get the second half of payment when it’s done.” He took a step back and only now did he see that there were many eyes resting on him. The place seemed like a typical human bar were it not for the unusual amount of Proto-Sapiens and Vikrils skulking around.

“We know, we know. Sit down, get a beer first.” The man offered to take his coat but the Tymalian pulled away.

“Suit yourself. But you will have to wait. Half an hour at least - all the rooms are taken.”

“I have an appointment.”

“So do all the other rich fuckers here. Sit down. The beer’s on the house.”

Litvak sat down in the corner from where he could watch the entire room. The jacket made him hot but he would not dare disarm himself in such an unfamiliar location.

“I will open it. Thank you.” He took the beer and finally leaned back, trying to assume a relaxed and unbothered position.

He observed the chrome and flesh in varying combinations. One Proto-Sapien had both of his arms replaced by a translucent model showing the inner mechanisms work hard even at the slightest twitch of the fingers. The design was even more intriguing by the fact he wore the typical traditional robes and a Zina on his forehead - the Proto-Sapien symbol of coroporal integrity.

A young woman came out of the backrooms. The neon lights obscured her Rosian heritage at first but the alluring features didn’t go unnoticed by the Tymalian. She took off her elbow-high leather gloves and huffed a tired sigh as she leaned on the counter, ordering a whiskey.

He was about to stand up and walk over to her. “Do you work here?” He would ask her, hoping she would say yes and take him to the backrooms where she would remove his doubts and unease. But he kept sitting, leaned slightly forwards as if about to jump up and run any second now.

“Litvak, yes?” The translucent hand tapped his shoulder and he twitched as he looked up to the Proto-Sapien. “Follow me.”

His clammy hand set down the glass as he stood up and followed the tall man. Near the speakers, the music made his skull vibrate. It synced with the rapid heartbreat rising to his throat as the backdoors swung open. He stepped into a cold and dark corridor with doors lining each side.

“I paid for the-... platinum, was it? Yes.” Litvak said hesitantly as they made their way down the hallway. Now he knew why the music was so loud as he flinched at every scream and cry coming from behind the doors they passed.

“We know.” The Proto-Sapien said as he stopped before a door, offering him to walk in first.

A buzzing light and a medical chair. Underneath it, a puddle of clear liquid. Pipes on each side of the room and a boiler in the corner. Litvak watched a Rosian woman sit by the table of instruments, her back turned to him

“This is the aspiring soldier?” She asked as she washed the tools in a basin.

“Platinum programme.” Litvak added as he sat down on the chair. “That would cover the anaesthesia, if I read correctly.”

“As long as we get to keep the parts replaced.”

The Proto-Sapien moved behind Litvak, fastening the shivering hands onto the arm leans.

She stood up, holding a tablet in her hand as she looked at the screen, squinting. “Ocular replacement. Right arm, left fist, lower jaw. New aural implants. You really have money, don’t you?”

“There will be more if you do your job correctly...” He laughed weakly, lids growing heavy. The last thing he saw was the Proto-Sapien making a cut across his right forearm.

----

//Transhumanism has been something I wanted to incorporate into my sci-fi verse eversince I introduced Daghir a year ago. Now after playing Cyberpunk it really inspired me to push the idea!

I’ve been really enjoying the idea of Litvak’s transformation for half a year now but I never really got to explore it! I think he would be a big proponent of it and I feel like certain aspects of his psyhe like superiority complex and paranoia work as good enough reasons

I just really really love the implications of it. He used to be a soldier once, now he could be an even better one

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gotskamstuff · 4 years

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In my life I aspire to get the same amount of chill that Dilan has, UNBOTHERED KING 🙌🏼 🙌🏼

#skam españa #skam spain

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goodmcn · 4 years

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* 𝖇𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖊𝖘𝖙 𝖌𝖗𝖊𝖊𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 to all u skinnie legends out there who i am BURSTING at the seams to write w ! i’m 𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 , i go by 𝑠ℎ𝑒 / 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 pronouns and am full of excitement to get some kickin plots started w my lil charmer son , 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒉𝒊 ! he’s a relatively new muse i’m trying out so forgive any of the kinks i’m workin out ! unless u like that shit which in that case u go boo and i love u . all likes will result in me comin to u for plots so make sure to love that 𝐥𝐢𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 down ! without further ado , here comes ur new resident boyband bf with dimples n commitment issues ! :~) :~) :~)

𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 here and do i have the tea for you . 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒉𝒊 is back on campus , which is surprising considering the threatening note i left them . yes , i know all about 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 because of their 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐝 . imagine the tabloids and how the 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒎𝒂𝒏 family would feel for such information to come out , not to mention the reputation of 𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐦𝐚 because of their actions . at this rate , 𝒉𝒆 is better off staying put in 𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐮 , 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐚 and living off that $966 m family net worth . what’s the point in studying 𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲 with plans to 𝑪𝑳𝑬𝑨𝑵 𝑼𝑷 𝑯𝑰𝑺 𝑨𝑪𝑻 𝑻𝑶 𝑩𝑬 𝑻𝑨𝑲𝑬𝑵 𝑺𝑬𝑹𝑰𝑶𝑼𝑺𝑳𝒀 𝑨𝑺 𝑨𝑵 𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑶𝑹 , is it worth it with what i know ? anyways , they may want to continue to be 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔 & 𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒏𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄 because the 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒆𝒕𝒖𝒐𝒖𝒔 & 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒕 attributes make me want to spill . ( 𝑤𝑜𝑙𝑓𝑔𝑎𝑛𝑔 𝑛𝑜𝑣𝑜𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑧 , 𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 , 𝑝𝑠𝑡 ) .

* TRIGGER WARNING : drug mention , death mention

⋆ ╰ 𝑺 𝑻 𝑨 𝑻 𝑰 𝑺 𝑻 𝑰 𝑪 𝑺 .

𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 : bodhi alexander goodman 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 : bo , b 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆 / 𝒂𝒈𝒆 : june 6 , twenty - one 𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄 : gemini 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚 / 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔 : cismale identifying with he / him / his pronouns 𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 : to be determined ! 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 : student at hworth majoring in anthropology and minoring in performing arts , member of ( undetermined vc / name but their artist - claim is PRETTYMUCH ! 🥴 ) , aspiring actor 𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 : gryffindor 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒃𝒚 : jake peralta from b99 , finn hudson from glee , jim halpert from the office , han solo from star wars , sonny carisi from law and order svu , prince naveen from the princess and the frog

𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔 : - impetuous , remiss , hedonistic , defiant , mercurial , afraid of commitment , truculent

+ benevolent , jovial , responsive , imaginative , assiduous , steadfast , sharp-witted , enthusiastic , magnetic , sympathetic

⋆ ╰ 𝑨 𝑵 𝑻 𝑬 𝑪 𝑬 𝑫 𝑬 𝑵 𝑻 .

001 : bodhi came into his family as the result of a closed adoption . he doesn’t know much about his birth family besides the few pictures his parents have shown him but he’s been told little to nothing about his roots besides the fact that his birth mother is also jewish . it’s not that his parents want him to remain in the dark about his past , it’s that they want to give him the choice to pick and choose what facets of it he discovers himself , and so far , bodhi’s been content living the life he knows : two loving parents who picked him of all people to add to their family .

002 : his mother , martha goodman , runs a foundation to empower women in leadership positions and makes a fortune running workshops and speaking tours . his father is the tv mogul of america . eric goodman has his own TV empire and runs shows such as the bachelor franchise , ER , will and grace , veronica mars , shameless , etc ( basically warner bros television productions . ) he grew up needing nothing , learning everything , exploring the world of the rich and famous with hollywood’s darling power couple keeping him grounded and putting a good head on his shoulders . while most in their tax bracket filled the expectation of the snotty rich families , the goodman’s seemed to have an ascriptive surname , building a reputation of themselves for being kind , self-made people who maintained humility and their good natures throughout their rises to fame .

003 : with a family reputation for being generally decent human beings , bodhi’s sparkling personality and kind disposition showed no deviation from this behavior , and he quickly charmed his way through every hollywood party or charity fundraiser his parents let him tag along to . there’s no expectation from martha or eric for him to be anything other than a good person , allowing bodhi to develop at his own pace and for that , he’s able to flaunt a relationship of mutual respect and absolute adoration of both his parents to this day ( a notably rarer and rarer thing in the circles he graces , it’d seem . )

003 : he’s well-liked throughout school , doing well enough in the sports he dabbles in to have a potential future in them , but it’s nothing that speaks to him the way the arts do . his teachers note his bright , inquisitive nature , the way he watches and recreates movements and noises with almost frightening precision , the tenacity and the desire for absolute perfection . it’s shocking , really , when his parents see his grades tanking around the same time he’s leaving middle school . they’ve given him what he wants , after all , without losing the perspective of discipline they mutually agreed upon . the private schools should be enough to keep him in line , but as it turns out , it’s nothing of their own intentional doing that leaves bodhi’s gpa with much to be desired . tired of his legacy being attached to his surname , he finds himself attracted to the way he makes people smile : at first , it’s the way he performs on a stage that gives him the approval he so craves , eventually , it’s the adrenaline that comes from intentional disobedience that starts to drive him .

004 : the headmaster of the ritzy high school he attends hesitates to label him a ‘ problem child ‘ — after all , bodhi’s well-liked among his instructors , has a thriving social life , and is actively involved in extracurriculars up to his ears . ‘ he’s not a bad kid , ‘ the headmaster explains to the concerned goodman’s , seated tensely in his office for a behavioral intervention meeting , ‘ he just makes some really , really bad decisions . ‘ and that’s to say the least , he notes : the list of his infractions include everything from harmless pranks and showing up to class hungover to provoking other students and being caught with illegal substances . they don’t condone such behavior , of course , but the school would never consider rejecting the decent sum his parents offer to scrub his academic record of such infractions .

005 : unwittingly , they fuel bodhi’s chaos . knowing he can get away with more and more than he ever considered possible , he carries on following whatever feels good or seems like it’ll fill his time . he hates sitting still and loves making other people feel good , a dangerous combination when fueled with the nearly 1 billion dollar empire his parents have at his fingertips . he’s saved only by his own charm and his family’s heft , getting out of dui’s and public intoxication charges without too much more than a salacious headline ( something he grows used to enough to remain unbothered by . ) it’s when he’s 17 and receives an offer from his first manager to join a group that he gets out of the rigidity of school that seemed to have been holding him back . it’s him and 4 other boys his age , meant to be something of nsync revamped , utilizing his musical inclination and dance talents to shoot him into the tabloids for reasons other than something that would scandalize his parents , for once . the group is playful and fun , and their fan demographic is mostly girls his age , so he’s more than pleased to finish school on the road during their first small scale tour through the US .

006 : while this gives him a new outlet for his energy , bodhi still finds himself in the occasional sticky situation with the law , much to his parents and now his team’s exasperation . his parents force him to enroll at hu as some sort of hope he’ll learn discipline , balancing his career and his studies , and for a while it works . recording during the school year and touring every other summer , bodhi strikes a balance that gives him some sort of fulfillment for a short amount of time — that is , until his mercurial side kicks into gear and combines with his natural hedonistic tendencies to cause one of the lowest of lows in his life . he’s halfway through his sophomore year when he feels a change of heart , losing passion for the now - boyish tendencies he’s become so comfortable with in his life , longing for something where he’ll be taken more seriously . he wants to impress , to blow people away , to make them feel , and while music has been there for him his whole life , he can’t help but think maybe he’s been meant for a stage or a camera and that’s what’s left him so empty . the prospect of having to tell his family and group he wants to throw it all away to pursue something he has no experience in agonizes him , pushing his nerves to the point he reverts to old habits trying to soothe them . he’s partying harder than he has in years with his close circle , much to the chagrin of a childhood friend who’s trying to talk him out of being reckless . he claims to remember none of the details of the night , but the memory of handing his best friend the first line of coke for the night and watching something go very , very wrong before bodhi’s able to follow suit is forever engrained in his memory . fucked up , terrified , and forever afraid of the very real responsibilities he’s faced with , he turns and hightails it out of the party . the police raid it a half hour later , and his friend’s death is ruled an accidental overdose on laced coke .

007 : bodhi doesn’t tell a soul about how he left his friend behind , about how he could have done something if he wasn’t such a fucking coward afraid of stepping up , and feels the loss deep inside himself every day moving forward . he ignores it by pushing his fun-loving disposition even further , trying to temper it with a push to be taken more seriously as an artist in order to make his transition into acting . he’s had small theater roles here and there and does a student film or two , but it’s nothing close to what he wants of himself . after all , hollywood wants a leading man , which bodhi has the absolute capability of being — if he weren’t so busy letting himself be consumed by his peter pan syndrome . he wants it all , to be taken seriously , but is unwilling to let go of the habits that keep him lodged in immaturity . always one to run from his problems , holling’s threats are now forcing him to face the reality of the consequences he’s tried so long to ignore . with his career , his family name , and his own future at risk , he’s being forced to recognize that good intentions aren’t always enough to keep him in one piece .

⋆ ╰ 𝑨 𝑵 𝑨 𝑳 𝒀 𝑺 𝑰 𝑺 .

001 : bodhi’s been something of a golden boy as long as he can remember , or at least some version of it despite his propensity for mischief . boy-ish , charming , with a heart perhaps too big for his body and seemingly allergic to anything remotely resembling responsibility . he’s a natural born leader when the event suits him — passionate and able to use his magnetism for bringing people together , but when he feels unmotivated , he’s about as helpful as he is good with his schoolwork ( which is to say : leaving something to be desired . ) despite this , he’s an outspoken advocate for good and through his jokes and headassery , will push for a message of benevolence and good energy .

002 : his bright , playful disposition makes him naturally magnetic . he’s a man’s man through and through but has a sensitivity engrained by his parents that lead him to respect all life , no matter the perceived or stereotyped value . despite his traditional ‘ bro ‘ demeanor , he’s quite respectful and his brash nature tends to avoid all objectifying or unbecoming commentary . with a devilish grin and an unparalleled enthusiasm for life , bodhi’s kind nature doesn’t seem so much of a pushover as someone who really just makes those around him feel alive . he has an air of self - assured confidence and mellow security , partnered with his belief that everyone has a value as a person and his kind , unrelenting eye contact , has the effect of bodhi making you feel like you’re the most important person in the room , solely by the way he pays attention to you . this is part of his passion , making others feel uplifted and important .

003 : his upbringing , despite not perfect , leaves him with a moral compass pointing a little straighter than what he’s found in some of the circles he frequents . despite a usually easygoing and breezy disposition , bodhi’s disdain for the egocentric or high - brow mindsets of his classmates often leaves them as the butt end of his jokes . he knows there’s no point in calling them out , so instead he takes a jim halpert - ian approach to their demeanors by pressing every single button made available to him . he gets an absolute KICK out of this and while he tries to leave the lady societies out of the equation of his teasing , many of his snotty sigma brothers have expressed quite the frustration with their wildcard member’s tendency to cause issues within their ranks solely for his own entertainment .

004 : despite having all the makings of a true leading man , it’s bodhi’s selectiveness with his efforts and fear of all things responsibility that leave him in neverland , a perpetual peter pan syndrome following someone who desperately wants to be taken seriously despite doing nothing to make himself more serious , thus his flaw of greed — he wants it all , but wants it given to him rather than work for it himself . he’s naturally playful , almost to a fault , using humor as a coping mechanism for his discomfort at some less than opportune times . having a heart as big as his leads to a level of sensitivity that sometimes teeters on being too much rather than too little — he’ll percieve slights that aren’t there , or take liberties with past conflicts as excuses to cause new conflicts of his own . he’s a perfectionist at heart , which leads to his tendencies to be all or nothing : he either will go after something with every intention of being the best , or will refuse to try at all . his inner confidence leads to an occasional miscalculation , biting off more than he can chew and leaving those around him to clean up after his mess despite his best efforts . he’s dedicated to certain people and causes but is otherwise unreliable , with a naturally fickle disposition that leads to some uncertainty as to whether he will really follow through or not unless it has to do with something or someone he’s expressed loyalty to in the past .

005 : LIKES TO FUCKIN MOVE ! he cannot fuckin sit STILL and u’ll always catch him bouncing his leg or wigging lmao he hates sitting down . sports were awesome for him but he THRIVED when he learned how to dance n honestly that’s one of his most notable talents . he fucking looooves to move , and lots of how he emotes comes from his body language bc he knows how important it is to be expressive in more than jsut your face , esp w acting . he’s left handed , LOVES animals , and feels most himself when he’s making someone else smile . he’s prone to random outbursts of musical inclination and is the one in his friend groups that often receives a ‘ bodhi SHUT UP ‘ because he’s trying to harmonize with the radio DFSDFSD . he’s more than willing to share his ecclectic collection of scars and scratches from the countless bad decisions he’s made , and has been a frequent star of barstool’s social media for some of his less - than - professional antics . there’s a running hashtag on twitter to make him the next bachelor but he can’t stay out of jail long enough for his dad to give him the green light KSFDJSDF

⋆ ╰ 𝐂 𝐎 𝐍 𝐍 𝐄 𝐂 𝐓 𝐈 𝐎 𝐍 𝐒 .

001 : exes - who doesn’t like a good exes plot :/ good terms , bad terms , on and off , whateva . give me someone he said ‘ i love you ‘ to in 24 hours , give me someone he dated for 6 months and never said it once , give me someone who he ghosted , someone who ghosted him , truly ANYTHING i am down to talk abt

002 : good influences - bodhi needs some ppl to help keep him in CHECK the mans can be a lil wild sometimes . im thinking 1 or 2 ppl who kinda work as his voice of reason when he can’t think straight n wants to dive off the roof into the pool to say ‘ bodhi no ! ‘

003 : bad influences - he’s a p good guy so i’d LOVE for some muses to bring out the worst in him

004 : hookups - he respects women by providing them w fire ass hookups n then never talking to them again KSDFKJSDHF im kidding , but fr he’s down . give me ongoing , former and ended badly , one night stand , all the TEA

005 : inner circle - i’m always a sucker for a good bro squad ( bro is forever and always gender neutral btw )

006 : party friends - this is self explanatory y’all !

007 : childhood friends from malibu / so cal area - he basically hasn’t grown up in like 12 yrs besides getting taller n buffer give me some childhood friends , a first love , former neighbors , even a mf pen pal ?

008 : friends w lingering feelings / skinny luvs - any of these in ANY extent would be desired and adored 😔✊🏼

009 : enemies / ppl who don’t like him / he doesn’t fw dfsfsd - bodhi’s pretty social but he kinda has this thing against rlly snotty rich kids so pls give me some high brow muses that he doesn’t get along w ! and makes his life’s effort to annoy n cause trouble w !

010 : fans ? - he’s in a boyband .. . . .. tbh it’s not the least likely thing in the world for him to have a stan or two at hu ? prettymuch n former 1D stans come thru DJFSJDHFKSJ

#holling:intro #im so tired of typing im sorry for this mess :/ SDFSDF #⎝ * 𝒃 . 𝒈 . › ooc .

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petalsforarrmor · 5 years

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I aspiring be the amount of unbothered Taylor is

#taylor swift #taylorswift

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spiritsooga · 5 years

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Life sucks sometimes.

I’m pretty sure everyone knows that feeling of excitement of when you finally think you’ve found something that you can do for a good amount of time, then all of sudden get thrown such a big obstacle that just changes your whole personality, attitude and thought on life. I guess you could say it was an iceberg, just the tip of the iceberg was showing but there was something much greater underneath of it. Certain events had happened to me that, I just kept dusting off. One year, after another. My Grandma died, the next year my dad died, the next year, my Aunt died. Three most devastating years that changed my family. I still think life is such a wonderful work of God, I still think that life is beautiful. My view on life never changed, what changed was my attitude and personality because of these experiences. The following year was when that obstacle dropped on me and I was just ... fragile, I broke. How could I let something so small get to me? How could I let it hurt me, consume me and just eat me alive. You can compare lives all you want, but you will never know the range of emotions going on through someone’s head. It’s intense. Something so small could cause such a big impact in someone’s life. Someone’s reaction could cause them to change their future and every opportunity that could possibly come up for them.

I have learned so much throughout this “obstacle” about .... myself. I’ve learned a lot of self love, and self appreciation. When that something big and bad happened to me, I was ruined.... I felt so alone.... and that’s NOT me. I never feel like I can’t talk to anyone, but I couldn’t. I cried, and was depressed for a while. “Stupid Spirit, how could you do this to yourself, how could you let something so small get to you?! Look.... now you can’t do anything with your career, all because your reaction caused this.” It was self vs self, why me. I managed to get through all those emotions and just deal with it. Elisha helped me mostly through it and he really did show me that we could go through it together. I changed, my personality was more of an I-don’t-care-attitude. Even though I was still the same externally, internally I was way different than I was before. I depend on me, and that’s how I treated it. I was trying to be more independent of anyone, especially Elisha. Trying to just take care of myself. It was all about me, because I was the only person I wanted to be with after all of this went down.... anti. I became, antisocial and I didn’t want to be talked to, I wanted to be unbothered, left alone. For those who do know me, that is not like Spirit at all. I used to be bothered if someone would yell at me, I would be sad that I let that person down. But it totally changed my perspective where if someone yelled at me, I would get mad at myself for giving them a reason to yell at me. I wasn’t being personal anymore, it was more of a business to me now. Everything and everybody.

Things got better and I started picking up the pieces that I broke. Going through the motions of life for a year. Me and Elisha built another level of relationship towards each other and we understood each other better than we did before. Just when I thought things was going right for us, I get reminded of the year that I messed everything up for me. Another obstacle? Another thing to fight through in order for my life to be normal again. Another thing for Elisha, the boys and I to fight through together. What I’m trying to get at is, bad stuff will always find a way to you. There is always a million reasons to stop and give up, but there will always be a million and one reasons to not. My one-million-and-one reason to not give up is for my boys and for myself. My boys is the greater picture and I am the painter in this. Self, do not give up on living your dreams and aspiring to be the best version of you. Do not give up on the bigger goal. Do not give up on the possibilities of the future. Self.... DO NOT GIVE UP.

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unspoken-realities · 4 years

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Anxiety attacks

April 27, 2020: An email to my counsellor, which seemed like a reasonable response to a nonchalant question: “How are you?”

Honestly things are…… ….idk …..They’re fine, I’m good, taking my meds, getting exercise, exploring Vancouver by bike (I have fallen in love with biking!), finding stuff to keep myself busy. I’m hoping soon to get some art supplies and start drawing/painting again because that’s a good release. I’ve made a list of fun things to do/learn if I’m bored, including baking bread and building myself a bookshelf, which is cool. Although finally in my life I have massive amounts of time to do those things I’ve always wanted, I’m struggling with the feeling that I SHOULD be doing SOMETHING, although I’m not sure what the something is. Generally I just have this sense of unease because I’m not ”being productive”’ or I’m ”wasting time”. But like, fuck that!!! Like I said, I FINALLY have a bunch of time to relax and bike and bake and do art and build and learn languages and songs and stuff and I’m hoping that I can just let myself do that. I’m trying to remind myself that “I have commitments to no one but myself.” My mom wants me to find a job, even though Trudeau is giving students $1250 a MONTH (SOO much money!!!) because of COVID. I don’t really want to find a job because, again, I have ALL this time to relax and dick around, money’s not an issue, and I have aspirations!!! Also, my mom is with-holding my backpacking gear (which I so greatly covet right now), because I accidentally let slip the wild and probably-not-going-to-ever-come-to-fruition idea that I was going to walk to Calgary. So that’s cool.

Okay, here’s where shit gets tough. A couple weeks ago I bought some edibles so that I could just use them recreationally once my exams were done. Last Monday was the first time I took some, and I was high off of my fucking mind. BTW, PLEASE do NOT tell my mother this. She will literally kill me. So anyways, last Monday I was in a parallel dimension for probably 6-10 hours, just absolutely vibing. Um, I love weed. I love getting high. It’s like finally I can tap into Creative, Fun Jill; I see the world so vibrantly and closely and everything becomes interesting and incredible. I love the high. It’s incredible to just waste so many hours in another world and ALL YOU NEED is yourself and your thoughts because, guess what? Your brain (MY BRAIN) is an entirely different universe. It’s crazy. Since last Monday I’ve gotten high like that … 4 times? Monday by myself, Wednesday (+ alcohol because I was done my exams), Friday with my roommate, then yesterday. On Wednesday as the high was ramping up it hit me that I am probably destroying my brain from the inside out. Since Wednesday, I have this same crushing revelation every time the high starts to kick in. Of course when I’m high though, I’m too fucking stoned to move so I tend to forget about the damage. But yesterday was different. I promised myself that this would be a weed-free weekend; I wasn’t going to take any edibles until to today, or maybe even wait longer. Around noon, something inside of me just said ‘fuck it, I need this. I don’t need to be awake and lucid and really living right now, why WOULDNT I get high? What the hell is stopping me? It will be so much fun.” And I listened and I took just a tiny bit more than I have in the past and I was bonked within an hour. I only wanted the high to last 6 hours, like it normally does. Instead, I went to bed still loopy as hell at midnight, 12 hours later. At 1:30 PM I lost my sense of touch. My roommate didnt believe me, but I seriously could not feel anything. Water wasn’t wet, nothing was hot/cold, it was all just the same. At 2 PM I started journalling (I usually do when I’m high to record my thought patterns). At 2:30 I had an anxiety attack. I physically could not feel, and I began to sense that the right side of my face had gone numb. Somehow some rational part of my brain woke up and rang the alarm bells and I said to myself, “holy shit, I think I might be having a stroke.” I was crying and terrified and I still couldn’t feel and I could barely talk and my face felt numb but my roommate assured me that everything was alright. I was hyperventilating, couldn’t breath (when I’m high I have trouble breathing anyway), lying on the floor, when I started to feel like I was seizing (again I wasn’t, it was just the anxiety attack apparently. However I distinctly remember violently shaking/shivering). I felt like I was dying. Every so often I would break through the surface of the high and ask my roommate how long this had lasted, before slipping under again. When I ‘woke up’ out of it around 3:00 I immediately assumed that the edibles I had (supposedly THC) were laced with something, because I felt like I was fucking crazy and dying for over an hour. It wasn’t just a high, it was like layers of high and anxiety and animalistic behaviour, I don’t even know. Brad, my roommate, helped me through it. I’m so fucking lucky to have Brad. His only sister has bipolar disorder (really bad case, apparently), and so thankfully he knew exactly how to get someone off the edge of an anxiety attack. He told me to lay down, open my chest, think about mac and cheese! He asked me what my favourite plant was and I was sobbing as I began to understand how he knew this would work. I was crying for my dad. My favourite plant is moss, specifically the moss forest that my family would go camping nearby. I cried for my dad, and Michael, and my mom and Eric and just everything. I just fucking broke. After the anxiety attack I was still stoned out of my mind for another 6+ hours. Brad got smashed. I took care of him and we laughed together and he said ” I love you” as we were saying goodnight. I think my heart broke, because I finally have confirmation that I’m not just a nuisance in his life, I’m his friend.

I already feel like my brain is rotting, but a part of me just does not care. Better to live a happy short life, than a long boring one.

The worst part is, I want it again Today Even though I know how destroyed I was just 24 hours ago, I want to feel numb and high and light and unbothered and curious and observant yet asleep. Sleeping is my favourite part of my day because I get to dream; with weed, I can dream awake, all day long. I love it.

#cannabis #anxiety #weed #dope #edibles #pot #gettinghigh #addiction #love #confusion #adulthood #grief #stoned

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oddlymysteriousphoenix · 7 years

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#58 12:51am March 26

I don’t understand. I thought I’ve been doing what was right, you know? Focusing on the things that promised me a good and great future, to become successful. To be the one to stand out and be the leader of some group of people for some cause or simply because they pick me for the job. To have good friends, being told, those who stay are the ones to keep, those who go were never really your friends. Here I am, soon to be 18 and look where I am. At this spot, vacant of any memories besides gaming, drawing, some singing and guitar playing. That is all I have. I don’t have much, I don’t, I’m not one to seek huge fortunes or hold power to do my own bidding, I want to be out there to be myself and have a place to be, heck, I’ll travel constantly if I must. Nothing is holding me back in this city, no person, no memory, no building, family member. Simply nervousness and money, besides that, I’m all good. Internet friends can follow me wherever I go, not like their lives reflect around me, that’s not what I’m aiming for. I’m aiming to hit a star, cause an explosion that’s going to leave a scar in the universe or produce a universe of my own that will last for more than countless generations. I don’t want any gold or diamond, no lies or broken promises, I want paper lanterns and a plot of land. I wouldn’t mind sharing my house with other people that I’m close with. I do lack the love that I seek, the love I’m looking forward to is none existent, I can tell it’s already over without even trying. Regardless of being so, I will, I promise, I predict I shall continue, just somehow. Desperate needs calls for desperate actions, but never at an expense at another. Can’t tell if this is too much to ask, all I ask seems too much for those I talk to, always encouraging me to continue to go off some other road, unable to tolerate such an idea as it goes in conflict with my guts. Ah, it sucks to be here. What a deplorable life it has been so far in this year. I’m working on my way on improving, I’ve been working out and practicing guitar. I haven’t started on the drawing for Rose, not sure if I’ll be able to, but I’ll do what I can. That’s all that matters, right? I’d despise myself to become an unfortunate soul. Life is still a blur, even with these lame crooked glasses. I look to a day where I can enjoy the day without a strain of thinking some damage. To love someone, even with eyes closed, it won’t be perfect, although I’ll see it as so, even knowing of our flaws. It’s an obvious fact I’ll soon live with regrets, after all, a life well lived can’t be made without regrets. Everyone regrets, to admit it or not, there are bound to be it, others are plagued by it or unbothered, but it’s always there. I desire to be potent in my control of my life, not in a way that will put be in 100% control (that’d be interesting), but enough where I can change life around unlike now where I still endure the lacking positive emotions from years past and now. From my mind, it’s set where happiness comes from within, if an event like that occurs that doesn’t follow it, it’s not true happiness. Not that it’s unpleasant to experience it, but it won’t remain as so in the future. Having a substandard amount of it makes me question the things I do, all that I do, I question it and connect it with ideas far beyond of where I’m supposed to be focusing on. Regardless of what I may plan to do or do now, I’ll start to think, to adventure off, to interrogate, about anything. Sooner or later I end up in a pile of disorder catastrophic mind. Having a intoxicating gas, blazing flame, or suffocating water fill up my head and stuck I remain in the mindset. Other times, it’s a strike of impact, an atomic explosion, being unpredictable when the next one will arrive. The smoke may ease down, yet marks remain there. Alone or with others, it’s there, my mind can only take so much. I don’t know who’s my greatest rival, for there are those who mock me or it is I who judge harsher than anyone. I always blame myself, no matter what amount of wrong I do, it’s greater than what it is, it’s put onto my mind. Aimlessly, I go off to some place, always alone as an aspiration carries me onwards. I just… I know I want Rose, I need her because I love her, though… I don’t know if we could even last as our lives are nowhere to revolve around each other. I don’t care about who she dates, in a way, of course someone who dates will be happy who they’re with, I can’t tell what extent, yet it’s there. It’s going to be one year I’ll be in this place, 3 years I used to be with Erin, about more half a year with Alyssa, 3 days I was with Rose. What’s next? An hour of my next love experience? I’d take some bullets for the next moment, after all not all pain means death. Still my mind echoes death, but not in a way of agonizing passing, more of when that path of death ends. I wonder where death goes, when that one moment a person is gone. Many of us won’t see it there, we won’t remember it, we won’t remember anything as the moment is there and it takes all. Death offers a unique freedom. Only certain times I seek it, but not yet. Just not yet, I need one more moment. One more, to get somewhere. Somewhere I like. Or, maybe, a journey through the universe, to gain a feeling that I know I can easily fade away from this world.

Truly I should admit my mind isn’t in a state to explain my ideas at the moment. It’s all static with every pixel changing colors with memories of myself and others. Ugh, I’m so lost in this place. Unable to handle what’s going on in this world, no matter what occurs, I simply cannot be satisfied. Life stresses me out, the ideas of it, what happens when it is, what’s above and what’s below. The way people spend it as it’s coins to achieve their goals no matter if they’re in debt. Everyone lies, not all can obtain a grasp of truth, there’s no true truth for the people of the universe. All peace is forced through violence one way or another. There is no peace. There is no way all can see one way, we’re all made to question all that doesn’t fit into our view. In no way am I saying religion is the cause of this, only those who want an easy understanding will point it. Even if life was paradise, paradise comes from the blood of others, and my mom just back here from her friends, she just came in to say hey and she’s off to sleep. It’s nearly 3 here, nearly time to rest. Tomorrow will bring a new day, I’m never worried for the end of the world, as any day can be the end of the world. I will admit I have conflicting views on things depending on my mood, some more than others. I know my friends are better off with them not worrying about me. I don’t believe their claims when they care, they come and go. I do enjoy the time together, of course, it doesn’t apply to everyone. Just, I hate those who say what I want to hear when they don’t act like it. Always have to handle with people being “awkward” and simply not trying to talk to me only opening up when they talk about something of their interest. Urgh, please let myself get out in the world, I don’t care how ugly it is. I want people to feel my words, my actions, to carve my lyrics into their hearts. Or, maybe, let me live a life worth living by my standard. Damn, if nothing guides me forward, then I’m going under. Funny thing that if I was to ever pass on, I always dreamed of being send out into space, as some satellite. Going so far, away from all that I know, from what we know for now. I would understand why someone picks to go, we all have our reasons. I have a clear idea why I would go, after all, few things hold me on. If only months could age and never come back, September is still here. Maybe next September will be different, after that eclipse, it has to be. SOMETHING more than simple great or perfect, has to change. I beg, I attempt, I dream of a better place, I’ll make it if I have to, some fictional world people can enjoy, not everyone, but a good group of people, make it into some cult for all I care, just don’t hurt anyone. Ah, whatever, everyday changes, nothing stays the same, only with what I struggle with. Hah, almost 18 and to be here, this has to be a joke. After all, my birthday proves I am, although this is a cultural thing, it’s a burden I have to face every year, reason for why I hate telling anyone. Blegh, I need to rest, good night, good day and good morning.

- 3:11am

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nudiemuse · 7 years

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Hello darlings.

I hope this finds y’all well as you can be.

Can we talk about 2017?

I keep saying it, but I’ll say it again. I’m turning 40 this year. Holy damn.

Let’s talk the Old Goth at 40.

I’ve given up cheap ballet flats for good. I gave away my last pair with some sadness. I’ve figured out that because of the shape of my feet, I’m best with mary janes with some stretch, my trusty Doc Martens and boots.

And how about some protips?

If you have feet that are more narrow at the heel, Dr. Scholl’s Moleskin Plus. Look for the thicker padding and stick some of this in the back of your shoes. it can help if your heels slip around in shoes, help breaking in shoes AND it even helps breaking in new Docs. Also, y’all. Be nice to your feet. I know shit is expensive, but do take care of them, especially if you are diabetic, or don’t drive.

Next thing. It’s time to start transitioning from my holy shit I’m cold style (lots of layers and leggings and tall socks) to, oh damn I’m kinda cold but getting sweaty.

I am so tired of wearing leggings. Yes, I look adorable in them. I’m giving some major 90s realness with my big sweaters and leggings, but I miss dresses.

I’m so excited about the return of babydolls to go with my skater dresses. I’m a 90s bb and I just LOVE that there are so many affordable options for the cuts I favor and most of them come in black or kinda fugly dark floral prints.

I’m working up a new pin board (shop style affiliate link y’all) with some of the stuff I really REALLY want to be wearing for spring. I have fancy goth aspirations but frankly, I’m really a comfy femme old goth and that’s okay. A lot of what I like you can easily goth up with accessories and styling.

Along with the season change, I’m changing my whole work day. I’m retiring from being a professional night owl and moving back into the daytime worker world. I’m not enthused about getting up at the buttcrack of dawn, I am pretty excited to think that my partner and I will be able to go out and do stuff!

Also, like since I might actually have a life outside of work I need going out wear right?

I want to stop here to make a note of something I’m experiencing in the post Trumpfuckian nightmare.

As things have progressed, I’m settling into this very uh, peaceful rage. I want to pull out all my weapons all the time and that includes my Femmeness. I am walking around with my booty out, back straight and chin up.

I walk around giving fewer and fewer fucks about a lot of things daily. Among them, what anyone ever has to say about how I look, how I work out my gender presentation etc. Not. One. Single. Fuck.

Being that I’ve been unable to wear the amount of dresses I like, I’ve been opting for feeling like I’m representing some beat face rugged Femme Realness and I look quite unbothered.

My go to look aside from big sweaters and leggings and tall socks has been my new FAVE skinny jeans. Y’all, I actually really hate to wear jeans. I don’t like how denim feels on my skin most of the time. I have the Lovesick High Waisted black skinny jeans.* They are super black, very comfy. I’m kind of chunky teenager size and I have these in a size 15 for bloated days (today) and a size 13 for a tighter fit. I do find the legs a bit too long for me and they aren’t as skin tight skinny on me as they are on the model but I actually really like them. I also have the lower rise version and I would actually pay full price for em.

For a jeans hater like me, they are pretty great.

I also enjoy some nerdy tees. Uniballer and I are both big fans of Tee Turtle (good sizing range, variety of cuts, GREAT prices and cute designs).

And as for my make up, I’m back to dabbling in the slightly weird. Today behold my faceballs.

Okay so I’m wearing a big ass wing today. For my big wings I do not fuck around. I use a very very black gel liner. (Affiliate links ahoy) My current hands down fave is the L’ORÉAL Infallible Gel Lacquer Liner 24 Hour liner in Blackest Black. I’ve used eleventy billion kinds of liner and for a big ole super black wing this is my never fail. It is as dark as Mac Blacktrack Fluidline but it’s not 17 damn dollars. A lot of the time I buy them bogo and always have a back up.

Being that I was really not fucking around, I used my Aesthetica Pro Series Lip Brush for my liner. Now I know some of you are like um, but lip brush? No seriously. If you have a big ole eye and love a bigass wing, this type of brush makes things way easier. Also, remember if you have a bigger brush the line is always gonne be chunkier and you may need to go in with a smaller brush to pack product at your lashline. I have like four of that type of brush and they are perfect for me.

Next I did something a lil weird. I put this random (it is in an unlabled baggie so it may have been a prototype or 1 off) bright red eyeshadow right in the inner corner of my eye above the liner line. That wasn’t an accident I did it on purpose. I used a little flat shader brush like the one in this kit on amazon. I didn’t blend I just packed color in there. To pack color on, you want to press press press and not do wiper motions. I really wanted a splotch of friggin red and didn’t put on another color or blend it at all. I used the edge (this takes practice) of the same brush and packed that color on my lower lash line too. I took it to the end of the cat eye liner (I cannot get a good pic) and a little in the inner corner tear duct area. Then I piled on mascara and finished with my fave griege nude lippie.

NYX COSMETICS Lip Lingerie Liquid Lipstick in Honeymoon. I’ve tried both high end and low end liquid matte lippies and the lingerie line is in my top two for comfort and wear.

Then I powdered the shit out of my fave and walked out the door.

I cut my own damn bangs on this wig, I’ve got a rekindled interest in doing less “proper” make up. I don’t give a fuck.

I want to fully inhabit the fuck out of my GenderQueer Chunky Assed Old Gothness.

How I present my outer body is my armor. It is how I survive and how I shore myself up when I’m flagging. Look at my face, I know that not only am I the enemy of many factions who are now in charge that it will chap their collective ass to have me walking around with my head up, not cowering in fucking terror.

So you know what?

Fuck it.

That said, I’m going to resume my little body modification savings fund. Maybe for my birthday I’ll finally get my septum pierced or get a small tattoo.

If you followed me from the blogger days, y’all know every year at the gentle prodding of friends I make a ridiculous wishlist for my birthday. I made one. If you buy me a book PLEASE buy the cheapest copy. I don’t need em brand new y’all. Find that here.

I am depressed and scared. I’m making some other life changes that are scary but happening. Life is rolling on and I gotta roll with it or get flattened.

Stay tuned for some other major announcements.

If you want to follow my other writing, sign up to my writer newsletter which is really a love letter to my fellow creatives. I talk about art, resistance, trauma, what I’m workin on. Lots of stuff. Check out the archive here and sign up if you’re so moved.

I love y’all.

Take care of each other and yourselves.

Love,

Auntie Shannon

I See you 2017 Hello darlings. I hope this finds y'all well as you can be. Can we talk about 2017?

#aging #beauty #fashion #goth #lgbt #make up #queer #self esteem

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