I simply think that the c-side inkling is hated by the universe itself. guys who you meet and go what the fuck is wrong with you and they go well you see- and you just sit there in indescribable horror for the next 78 hours and then you just go oh.

crimes of grindelwald thoughts

alright obvious spoilers not that it matters bc i have one follower lmao but !! i need somewhere to scream abt this movie

first of all i love jacob and newt so much. best parts of this movie honestly i love them and i want them to be happy 

but to be fair i actually rlly rlly enjoyed watching this movie!! like,, there are a looot of things i dont understand about it and i have no idea how they happened or why theyre happening but thats Okay i would still recommend everyone watch it! its so good!!!

good things:

- grindelwald !! i mean,, no hes not a good thing but i really liked how they wrote his character. like i can UNDERSTAND the power he has over people and how hes manipulating them. hes really not just a Voldemort 2.0 and i respect that a lot bc thats not what an entirely different villain should be like. but casting issues and all aside i really liked this

- i also liked the interaction between leta lestrange and dumbledore that was some good stuff and the actors were rlly good too !!! - i like the direction queenie is going in. i mean i dont actually of course but it seems realistic and i think its important and its good character development n stuff so hhh hope that works out later tho !! i am Suspense

- jacob walked into that movie and i was like !!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDD i love him so much and it was rlly nice to see him back even if i dont think it was that neat to have him lose his memory of everything that happened for significance and in this movie have everything go like WHOOMP hes back but i uhhhh loved it anyway so this is not a complaint its a good thing - i still loved newt and having a good main character makes the whole movie a better watch in general. ive seen sequels where i just Cant get attatched to the new characters but wow i didnt really have much of a problem with that here

- it was also never boring and i really just loved n enjoyed this movie a lot!!!  okay hhh bad things/things that i personally disliked:

- ive seen different opinions on this but??? what was that blood pact????? what are u doing??????????????? i cant even be coherent properly so here are the main reasons that was rlly dumb

1- w-who does that in a romantic relationship ever :o and yes jkr has literally said dumbledore n grindelwald were in LOVE HELLO feel free to correct me if im wrong on anything but if ur gonna say it u should show it,,,, Continuity Please. anyway separate issue but if u love someone youre not gonna be like “hey lets make SURE we dont fight each other ever” because youll trust that the other person?? isnt gonna fight u???!!!???? im

2- thats literally not the reason he “cannot move against grindelwald” okay like it shouldnt be. this conversation literally happens in dh and dumbledore says he was scared of facing what rlly happened when ariana died!! there was no actual physical thing stopping him!!! the only acceptable justification is that he doesnt want to face this ghosts of his past and that moment and he is SCARED okay so COME ON give dumbledore his faults! hes scared of his past and that IS the reason!!

3- wait how did grindelwald, aberforth, and albus fight if they had already entered a blood pact. like i dont think albus would aim for his own brother EVER but could he even attack grindelwald if they had a blood pact?? not sure how this works lol but who was he aiming for then??? just firing everywhere randomly without intention cause that sounds,,, significantly harder to believe and makes that scene loads messier esp if grindelwald couldnt aim for albus either so

4- the blood pact was so frickin unnecessary im sobbing. like there was the scene where its all like “oh some say you were as close as brothers” and dumbledore is like “oh we were closer than brothers...” and im like OK! the little scene in the air doesnt explicitly reveal anything either so thats ok but the closer than brothers line was rlly revealing for me. at least for like two minutes and then dumbledore looked in the mirror and saw himself making a blood pact w grindelwald. like ok is That what u meant by closer than brothers bc thats what everythings pointing to but it shouldnt be and i.............ugh

5- im honestly just kind of hhhhhhhhhhhh. i can concede that the blood pact might be significant in later films and i look forward to watching them! but. at the same time i. wish that if you were going to say dumbledore was gay it would actually be explicitly referenced in the movie, instead of dancing around that and dropping it in hints and pieces that fans of the series who know this information will understand and others can just dismiss as friendship! there were So Many good places in this movie to include this fact (altho feel free to disagree w me haha) and i think that not including this fact was honestly tiring.

- nagini...........obv this isnt a huge problem bc idk where her story will go next n it might develop n become important but as of rn, i have no idea what her role in this movie is. i wonder if her reappearance in the harry potter series will actually be of significance and if itll be explained how she will end up under servitude to voldemort bc i genuinely dont understand right now. it just seems like a cameo to draw attention in the trailer ghgdjh

- leta lestrange’s death didnt feel right or impactful and im sad . definitely a huge opinion here but it felt like a mandatory character snuff to make the movie sad and ghdsjgfh oh well :(

- little continuity issues?? dumbledore being DADA professor instead of transfiguration bc Boggarts Are Important For Foreshadowing. also how is mcgonagall an adult or actually how is she even alive and um of course the fact that this movie doesnt confirm what jkr has said about dumbledore and grindelwald beforehand. 

- im actually going to totally repeat myself bc this deserves a separate point umm why arent dumbledore and grindelwald actually shown as in love with each other as young men. its completely relevant to the movie and its not hard to put it in there instead of the bLOOD PACT (ask anyone irl ive been screaming abt the blood pact ever since i came out of that movie). anyway i know david yates said he wouldnt be including that as part of the movie as fans are aware of that aNyway but its not that hard to understand. people are asking for actual representation?? not smt vague??? because this is just here to Please People. if u refuse to see this ship, ure just gonna see them as having a friendship! maybe u havent heard about what jkr said or maybe ure choosing to ignore it bc,, idk that says smt about u, or maybe another reason idk! but if u go into this knowing they were In Love and hoping to see confirmation of dumbledore being canonically gay, youre going to hear that “oh, we were more than brothers” line and be like oh yeah we been knew, or more seriously like hey! maybe we’re getting a canon confirmation, not just floaty young people leaning towards each other! like when he looked in the mirror i was like okay This Is It this is gna be confirmation but then it wasnt oop. it was the !!! bloooood paaact !!! which means that people could interpret the “closer than brothers” line as meaning oh we done did a blood pact that means we blood related look at us go! Wow! so this is basically just a half azzed attempt at pleasing people w stereotypical viewpoints and people happy to see representation. hmmmmmmmmmm.. (psst if u actually ship older dumbledore n grindelwald tho What Are You Doing Stop !! thats not a healthy relationship, grindelwald is an awful person and dumbledore deserves to grow from the person he was before!!! he deserves so much better!!! im not saying to ship them but im saying that if we’re gonna say they were in love as young men and if we are going to confirm that dumbledore is gay well,,, lets put that in canon pls!!!! we need canon representation but we dont need to pretend this ship is healthy or good bc its representation either. this isnt shipping this is asking to acknowledge that dumbledore was gay and in love with grindelwald and its confirmed that grindelwald was in love with him too. in the place the story of tcog is now, that relationship is not ever going to happen again and if u actually think it is ure suffering from some next-level delusion. just be definitive and acknowledge that your characters are LGBT tho pls!! u said they were!!! actually i would be so much happier to see a Happy And Healthy LGBT Pairing can we have that? please?)

- big spoiler but hOW IS CREDENCE ALBUS’ BROTHER WHAT IS HAPPENING DKFJDKSH i need to separate my thoughts again

1- AGE DIFFERENCE........apparently dumbledore is like 46 in this movie right?? credence doesnt look over 20. okay percival dumbledore is put in azkaban before albus starts school right?? so the maximum age albus can be is 11. now im gonna say that kendra was not having any more kids w anyone else after that incident fs so the oldest albus can be when ariana is born is 12, leaving room for some other stuff okay. ALBUS AND CREDENCE DONT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE A 12 YEAR AGE GAP WHAT IS HAPPENINF

2- i saw people theorizing that credence is ariana’s son and NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO PLS NO

3- not an actual issue but i thought grindelwald said his name was berrylius dumbledore which i later remembered as berrylium dumbledore and anyway thank god for the internet

4- okay at this point i cant tell if this has just been brought in for shock value or smt like. is this relevant to the plot. is grindelwald even telling the truth. w-why did the movie end there. help....... i think thats it but i do want to say that i respect the rights of the creator jkr to do whatever she wants w these characters. its her world! but i can have a whole bunch of opinions n feelings about this movie and still support it. after all, i love harry potter and the whole wizarding world w my whole heart. 

did anyone even read that LOOOL that was so long sorry

OH MAN I HAD SUCH A BAD SLEEP I took too many headache pills and forgot they contain caffeine and i was up all night Dying Of Tired and then when i finally passed out i had like five damn nightmares at once?? Its hard to even remember most of them but I just know I was really inexplicably legitimately panicked about a bunch of super arbitrary nonsense. Like.. brain so shot that I couldnt even compose a decent narrative for why the thing is scary. WTF...

Like at one point I was just reenacting the final boss fight from Deadly Premonition?? And like there’s a bunch of actual reasons why that thing pisses me off, like how cliche it was to make the One Fat Man In The Town the villain, and how suddenly we’re adding a really crass rape plot and LOL isn’t it even more gross cos he’s overweight. Right after a big ol ‘demon trans person’ fight and one of the most sympathetic characters getting dragged through the mud and discarded. Like seriously fuckin EVERYONE betrays you and then your love interest dies from monster rape while crying ‘don’t look at me I’m soiled’ and fucking PUNS cos evil fatman is some sort of plant monster. God I stopped caring about that game immediately, it went from zany weird to just horrible. ...but in the dream it wasn’t any of that sort of nuance, it was just me for some reason being legit terrified of evil fatman’s comedy boss fight. Seriously, after how detestable he is, they give you a stupid fatness stereotype joke fight where he bounces around like a terrible 60s b-list superhero. Why was dream me legitimately terrified of friggin yoshi ground pound man?! I think the real terror here was just that I was reminded this damn game exists.

And then also for some reason another part of the nightmare was Supreme Anxiety over designing a fan character for sonic the hedgehog?? Somehow I’d won the awesome right to add a character to the series and I was like BUT I HAVE NO IDEAS EXCEPT *points at literally the exact same sprite of my terrible super sonic recolour monkey oc from age 12, somehow blown up to the size of a building* And like I needed to demolish that but it was made of lego bricks, and I was all ‘aaa but i don’t even know if the character would be put in the games or the sonic boom tv show, they have very different sense of humour. do i have to make a playable character or just a comedy npc like the Meh Burger guy?’ incidentally sonic boom the show is awesome and reminds me of my childhood cos lol we got AoStH in britain instead of that grimdark future freedom fighters thing. That was our comic instead! its funny how similar the british and american comics are and yet how insanely different! but i still love a zany fourth wall breaking trash show and im so fucking happy we now have a way more well animated one! Anyway this was SO SUPER STRESSFUL cos I havent even been very involved in sonic fandom since I was a lil kid, but it was a thing I did with my now deceased grandma so its Kinda A Big Deal. I think dream me even considered making a character based on her, but I decided it was too close to eggman. She was such a supervillain of hugs! So yah it just ended with me at Green Hill Zone and then i fuckin run off into the distance and never come back. DONT GIVE BUNNI RESPONSIBILITIiiiiiies...!!

Also there was something about some sort of.. ghost phone app dating game? It was so weird cos I was a person sitting on a bus playing the app and then the love interest from the app actually got on the bus and I guess we were actually just texting? And for some reason I had to take pictures of the moon, which looked like a tiny head of eggman’s voiceactor with little stick limbs attatched. And a day and night cycle kept going super fast so i was like ‘ehh only ten minutes til another good shot’. And I guess the eggmoon got bigger to show your progress thru the plot...?? ‘That’s my favourite star’ says anime schoolgirl, romantically... So yeah all I knew was that this was somehow a horror game and supposed to have jumpscares, but I was like HELL YEAH DATING A GHOST! And then the plot twist was something like the bus was the bus to the afterlife and we were both ghosts. So like you’d get the bad ending for running away from ghost girlfriend and then find out the only thing outside the bus door is infinate blackness and You Was The Zombie Too But the bigger scary twist for me was that in this universe I’d died from being strangled by my abusive dad and then suddenly everyone was super unsympathetic to me and telling me I’d deserved it and oh man poor dad having to deal with a lil shit like me Zombie dating? perfectly fine! zombie dating an abuse apologist? NOPE.

And then i also dreamed about a neat game that I’m sad doesn’t actually exist. I was desperately trying to remember the name of it as if it did exist?? i feel betrayed?? XD It was something where there were four nature spirit boys and I had to help them regain their power and potentially have dating sim shenanigans I guess?? I just recall that they all started as a tiny mascot creature and it was that dumb cliche of ‘actually my true form was specifically an attractive person of the designated gender you prefer, at the exact same age as you! what are the odds!’ But they still looked pretty neat in their more humanoid form, they were still monster boys rather than the super superest of cliche dating sim characters. And I recall there was an interesting thing of every route being a wildly different genre? like they’d all start the same with me suddenly getting this weird mascot critter, but then the answer as to what exactly the spirits were and what his amnesiac memory was was always different. Like in one of them (fire, I think?) it turned out to be a post apocolyptic sci fi where the earth was running out of resources and children with psychic potential were kidnapped and turned into genetic experiments to create these ‘spirits’. They were more like humanized terraforming machines?? It was really kind of a neat plot twist?? And I recall that fire guy was a sad shy dood kinda like nageki from hatoful boyfriend, and his monster boy traits were interesting cos he had dusty grey hair with only a few scattered red strands, and it would blaze up into a burning white flame whenever he lost control of his emotions. (similarly with just a tiny red flame cowlick in the middle) And I think the water spirit was a very pompous kingly type whos mascot form looked like a slime from dragon quest. He was my favourite, he was good comic relief and very huggable! I think his plot got all twisty and sad tho, like it turns out he wasn’t the real king but just a clone duplicate made to use as a body double. And it was depressing that he was so convinced his memories were real and so utterly oblivious to the fact he was like.. melting, a lot, often. Thats normal rite? U just cant do it cos you’re a commoner! These magic powers are totally a thing of the royal lineage and not proof that I actually really am a dragon quest slime with a bad case of identity issues! Anyway we punched the jerkass king and rescued the real prince and they lived happily ever after as if they were just a regular set of twins. And human prince was all ‘I’mma be the best wingman!’ and kept teasing you about ending the story on a kiss. It was cute! I dunno about the other two love interests tho, I just definately know there were four of them for some reason. Also for some reason dream!me was constantly criticising the game’s art style, that was a little annoying XD

*not my images*

Avengers A/U

Steve x mutant reader

“Forget Me Not”

Part 2

Summary: With the ability to erase memories, you go to work with the Avengers as damage control.

WARNING: SMUT Cause I can

*********

It was odd that you were there before the battle was over. Usually you showed up afterwards. You knew this was going to take its toll, you hadnt been called in for something this big since before you joined them.

You heard him arguing with Fury before you stepped out.

“This is too much! If you have her do this she could be hurt! Look at what happened when she pushed it last time!” He yelled.

Bucky cleared his throat as you stood there quietly. Steve looked over, as you stepped closer his eyes locking with yours.

_______

You were exhausted. Your head hurt like hell and the world seemed determined to keep shifting beneathe your feet.

You stopped and leaned against the wall, closing your eyes, just a moment of reprieve is all you needed. Then you could make it to your room.

“Y/N?”

You couldnt help the little noise you made when he swept you up in his arms, your head automatically dropping to his chest. “Steve,” you protested even though there was no determination behind it.

“You were supposed to be back hours ago, what happened?!” He asked striding through the halls.

“Too much,” you whispered, your headache was escalating faster than you could keep up with. You took in deep breaths, Steve smelled so nice.

“Thank you, you smell even better,” he chuckled. He stopped as he looked down at you, “Y/N?” normally you would be beside yourself for letting that slip, it worried him that you said nothing. You looked too pale, something was wrong. He turned on his heel practically running through the halls back to the elevators.

You groaned clutching at his collar. “Shhh, Y/N,” his lips ghosted across your forehead, down your nose, pressing against your lips briefly. “I got ya doll, promise you’ll feel better.”

Cho looked up as Steve burst into the medical ward, “she just came back fifteen minutes ago and she is getting worse!”

“Put her down here,” Steve stood back as a few of her assistants moved in to help. He watched feeling helpless as they attatched medical stickers to your head, chest, all kinds of machines were hooked up to you. _____

“What happened?”

“Exhaustion, whatever she did, she pushed herself too hard. Maybe she over exerted? She should be fine by the morning. We’ll keep a watch over her Steve. Go get some rest.” Helen patted his arm ushering him out your room. ________

Steve frowned the next morning as he saw a woman stepping out of the room you were in. She walked briskily past him into the elevator.

Making his way into your room he became alarmed to see you sitting up in bed, face buried in your hands. “Hey!”

Your head snapped up at his voice. “Oh, god, I’m so sorry Steve!” You managed before hiccuping.

“What happened? Who was that woman?” He asked moving to sit on the bed next to you.

You shook your head, “no one, dont worry about that. Im so sorry I made you worry. I didnt mean to do that. I just pushed myself too hard is all.”

Steve frowned. “Y/N…” He ran his hand along your jaw, forcing you to look at him. “Tell me who she is.”

Chewing on your bottom lip you fidgeted, “she handles all my work. Decides on where I go, who I answer to. If she says I gotta go, I gotta go.”

Steve jerked back as if he had been stung, “she’s your handler?!”

You dropped your chin to your chest. “I have no say in it.”

“Bullshit.”

You looked up at him, “Steve, I am not a free person.” He frowned, “I got into trouble when I was younger. Think about it, I could make people forget who I was just by willing it! I got reckless.” You took a breath, “I got in with the wrong people, we were in the middle of robbing a bank of all things. I mean why not? I was twelve, it was exciting just like the movies.”

“I got shot, in pain and scared, my friends decided they would ditch, my powers went wild while I was screaming for them not to leave me.” Steve stared at you, “I cleared two city blocks worth of memory. Innocent people who will never regain their memories. They have no hope of life as they cant retain anything.”

“But you were a kid.”

You looked at your lap. “If you hadnt brought me here to Cho, if my powers had gone haywire, I could have damaged all of you,” you sobbed, fear at that possibility gripping you.

Steve pulled you into his arms. “Hey, but it didnt happen.”

You let him console you. Wrapping your arms around him you let him convince you that it would be alright. That you wouldnt hurt them.

It was nice to believe sometimes. ________

Pietro smiled as you two hit the small white ball back and forth, “and what is the point of this game again?” He asked yawning.

“Patience and determination!” You growled as he hit the ball past you for the umpteenth time. “Your cheating speedy!”

Pietro laughed moving to wrap his arms around you. “Hands off my girl,” both of you turned to find Steve standing in the doorway.

You giggled as you pried yourself from Pietro to throw yourself at him. Steve dipped his head to capture your lips with his, effectively stealing your breath. “Missed you,” he said pulling away.

He had been on a week-long mission with Bucky in India, it had been the longest week of your life. Though you had been able to spend time with the rest of the team, you missed Steve.

He smiled at Pietro, who waved goodbye, as he pulled you along with him. “Where are we going?” You asked.

“I said I missed you,” he grumbled leading you past the common room towards his room. He pressed you against the wall outside his room, his hands wandering to your hips, lips on yours.

You felt dizzy, drunk on his taste, intoxicated by his scent. His hard body pressing into your softer one driving you into a ridiculous high. You werent sure when you had buried your hands into his hair, but you tugged on his blond hair elliciting a groan.

“God your so perfect,” he reached over and threw open the door, dragging you in only to push you against the door. Lips dipping under your jaw, sucking and nipping. You whimpered as his hands moved down to your ass, gripping hard and pulling your hips against his.

“Steve!” You gasped as he ground his hips into yours, jerking your leg around his waist, grinding his clothed erection against your core. Jesus he was big! You started pulling at his shirt, he laughed when he lifted his arms over his head, bending at the waist to let you pull it off. His hands were at your jeans buttons, both of you frantic to get the other out of their clothes.

Somehow, between giggles, ripping clothes, furious kisses, and more laughter you found yourselves in his room. Steve moved you onto his bed, settling between your legs.

He slowed down, kissing you softer, lingering, big hands trailing along your thighs, pulling your legs around his waist and slowly pushing into you. He watched as you screwed your eyes shut, mouth dropping open, your arms around his neck.

“Y/N, I love you.”

You met his baby blue eyes, both of you unmoving, “Steve, oh Steve!” You leaned up to kiss him, “I love you so much!”

He moved then, slowly, wanting to feel every inch of you. You moaned softly as he pulled out almost completely before pushing back into you. Both of you moving in tandem, Steve kissed his way down your neck to the valley of your breasts. You arched into him as he caught a nipple in his mouth, tongue swirling till it pebbled and then bit down gently.

You gasped as he moved faster, lifting your hips for a new angle. You cried out and he knew, he found that special spot. He was relentless, hitting it over and over.

“Steve, Steve, ohhh!” You held onto him, nails digging into his strong forearms, screaming his name as he reached between your legs, thumb circling your clit making your hips snap up wrecklessly.

You saw him grin, and that drove you over the edge.

“Fuc-fuck!” Steve groaned as you clenched down on him, “shit…shit..shitshitshit!” His hands on your hips tightened, hips snapping into yours as he buried himself into you. You tightened your legs around his waist as he dropped forwards, hovering over you.

Looking up you stared in awe as he lost himself in you. His eyes closed in concentration, long lashes resting against his cheeks, tongue darting out to lick those sinful lips of his. You pulled him down for a kiss, opening to him as he pressed his tongue in, his thrusts becoming erratic. Harder, faster, soon you were right there again and he moaned your name as you came yet again, “fu-fuck Y/N! Fuck yes, come for me again doll!”

You shook your head even as you felt it building again, his relentless pace pushing you back to the edge, “Steve! I cant!”

He hooked your leg over his shoulder and you moaned at the new angle as he thrust into you. “Y/N!” His hand slid along your jaw and then closed around your neck lightly, you gasped as he tightend his grip, “you like that?” You nodded as he tightened a little more, “So perfect for me!” He groaned and you were coming again, writhing beneath him.

“Fuck, fuck, doll, go-gonna-Y/N! Y/N!” He thrust into you hard, leaning forwards, his lips on your throat, teeth sinking in painfully making you arch into him, moaning wantonly, fucking into you as he dragged your hips up into him trying desperately to bury himself deeper as he came undone inside you.

You laid beside each other breathing heavily. “That was-” Steve smiled, lifting his head waiting for you to finish. “Intense,” you murmured finally.

“It was,” he laughed leaning into you for a kiss. He climbed out of bed slowly dragging you along. “Lets get showered before you fall asleep.”

You giggled, allowing him to pull you out of bed. It never ceased to amaze you how easily he lifted you. But then there was the super soldier thing.

Still as he leaned down to kiss you, you felt your chest expand. This was what love was. This is what everyone strived for.

To love.

To be loved.

You should have known better.

*******

A/N: last one coming up! Let me know what you think!

Tags: @shamvictoria11 @hellkat2 @the-great-irene @ryverpenrad @mo320 @magellan-88 @lostinspace33 @wildestdreamsrps @aquabrie @dustycelt @yknott81 @thekayceenicole @musichowler @arwa-alii @alyssaj23 @insideoflit @debbielovesbucky @swtwtrgin @saysay125 @howlingourcolors @rda1989 @xxxprettydeadgirlxxx @whenallsaidanddone @s7sense @vaisabu @psychicwitchphilosopher @the-witching-hours12-3 @anotherotter @suz-123

Coming to terms...

When I said before that I never really thought back to our experience since it ended, i really meant not even once. Not a trip, not a day, not a feeling nothing. I dropped it all that day and i swept it to the abyss of my mind. But like I said, after our short interaction, I felt like there were unresolved remnants between us, and I wanted to close them. So I talked to a few people, I went down to the river, and I thought it through. I looked at our photos, I brought my mind back to a place i thought was dismissal, and for the first time, all these months later, I feel like Im just processing through it all. I thought after I sent you that message trying to close the gaps, things would feel closed. But this week, it's so strange. All the days we spent together are slowly coming back to me. I'm literally getting flashbacks and I walk, and go about my day. I'm in a meeting and I'm presenting, but at the same time my mind is splitting and reissuing the experience back to me. It is so strange, these once non-nostalgic experiences are suddenly feeling like their happening in real time. Times of us in the grass at the park, watching your face and thinking about whats going through your mind, the seemingly endless nights when I wouldnt let you leave my car. Pushing me up the hill in SF. All that delicious indian food i was gonna make you try. Oh and did we deep throat a banana? Haha i dont remember why we did that but gosh that was so fun. Damn...I miss you.  But at the same time, I have to recongnize that I know it was not the right time. It's hard for me to explain, but I went into my internship thinking I had a job secured. It was supposed to be May to December then convert and start full time. So for the first time, I thought I was ready to start dating. But the business unit I was in tanked, and suddendly me converting to full time was highly unlikely. It kept me up at night not having a plan. I was applying for jobs literally all over the US, and I wouldve taken one anywhere at that point, even north dakota. And with that pivot, I had people around telling me it did not make sense to date. It was more than likely I wouldn't be in Sac past December. And they were right, and I shouldnt have ever tried dating until I knew what I was doing. And that's my fault.  I still believe breaking things off was the correct thing to do, but I do regret the way I did it. I regret not being able to be there for you during your trials and tribulations, especially with your father, and I regret being a primary contributing factor to them. The experiences I had during my internship, the people i've met, the places I went, I learned so much about life and myself, and the world around me. It has changed the core of who I am, i had experiences that i will never in my life get to have again and I would never forgive myself if I didnt experience them. I shouldve explained that to you. Even if we continued things, they were bound to fall through because of this. I couldnt commit to you and be fully in it. I needed time and space but it wouldnt have been fair to make you wait for an uncertain future. I remember starting to feel torn while we were together because I felt like before me was this opportunity to push the boundaries of my being and revolutinize who I was as a person by throwing myself whole heartedly into the experience of being 600miles from home, and living everyday I had here like it was my last. This was the last mile before I finished school and would pivot to adulthood. Was I ready to date? I begin to question myself. But at the same time I had someone that I felt for like I never felt for anyone before, and had the opportunity to throw myself whole heartedly into as well. I talked to everyone around me about this, everyone but you, and that was a huge mistkae. I wasnt transparent. Everyone reminded me of my youthful age, my coworkers obviously pushed me into their direction, and at the end of the day, I decided I couldn't be emotionally available at that time in my life. I stil feel this was the right decision. But what I did after making that decision was an absolute fuck up.  I didnt want to hurt you. I could feel your pain when I first began to bring signs out that things were going to break off, I knew exactly how you were feeling. But you were the first person i've ever really dated, so I never had to deal with this before. I've never been responsible for someones well being, and all could think of was how you trusted me with it. I didn't konw how to handle it, I tried to guide you through it initially, but like I said before, I honestly grew jealous of other things, and I came to the conclusion the best person to help you through it shouldnt be the person causing it. At the same time i honestly forgot how to function without you. I knew we needed time apart before but at the same time i didnt want to accept that. But at the same time i knew i couldn't commit. It was all mushed in my mind. We had constant chaotic fights after things broke off, and with everything that was happening around me with shcool, and work, and at my home home, I couldn't figure it out. I projected the absolute worst version of my self with handling the situation, and im so so sorry for leaving you the way I did.  I'm sure these flashbacks will pass as quick as theyre coming, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate who you are, and I was lucky to ever call you mine. Im sorry for what I did, i gave you so many reasons to despise me. I hope youre able not to just forget about it, but to forgive me. Ik everyone close to you prolly hates me, and i cant blame them. But i hope youre able to see me a neutral term again. I never thought i would ask that, i felt like my pride would always guide me. I ended up getting an offer from intel, by the grace of god of course. My internship came to an end and i took a month off to spend time with my family back in AZ before beginning the next stage of my life. This week I'm remembering your unconditoinal kind heart, all the love you had to give, your hard work and dedication to your job, school, and your family and friends. I'm thinking of ways that I can incoperate your practices of selflessness into my own life. You're a great brother, you're a great son, you're a great man. I'm sorry for what I did, I probably am attatched to negative feelings in your mind, but I hope we can good friends again one day. I'm happy that you found Hayden. I bet he is a killer guy, and one of a kind. You deserve nothing less. I'm sorry for the anger, hurt, and neurotic chaos that I inspiried. I'll cherish my experience with you forever. You're doing great in life, and youre on your way to do even greater things. I hope you dont mind if I check up on you from time to time. I do miss you, but I trust youre in good hands. If you ever need anything, you always have a friend in me. Gabe 02/2019

110918

the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head

Only The Good Die Young

@siiriusblxck

Things now seemed so odd coming back. Peter had gotten far too used to Hogwarts and England and now- now New York seemed like some strange unknown place to him. He missed his friends, the routine and life he had created for himself back there. The brunette glanced down at his watched and sighed- it was far too late to attempt to call Sirius, it would have to wait for another day. He carried up the boxes with his things up to his dorm, glancing around quickly and locking the door before cheating and using magic to arrange everything quickly in place. This- this was his new life and he was simply going to have to get used to it no matter what. Days blurred together, between lectures, homework, writing letters and trying to not express in them how much he missed his old life. And the American wizards--- god they could be such a pain. And made it all the more difficult to get what he had really come back for- more people to support the Order, to help out in the war against Voldemort. Some didn't want to listen, others plainly didn't care, and there was even the bunch that said as long as it didn't come to the USA it wasn't their problem. Peter felt half dead as he dragged himself across the streets of the city trying to reach his dorm. He was tired, distracted, and pulled out his phone to send a quick text. [text: Sirius] I am sorry I couldn't catch you before you went to bed [text: Sirius] You wouldn't believe the stupidity of the wizards here [text: Sirius] Actually you might. [text: Sirius] Anyway. I miss you, I'll try to catch you tomorrow if you have time to sneak in a call. [text: Sirius] Stay safe, lov

His last message was never sent. The phone hit the ground before Peter could even finish it. One hard spell that had him hitting the ground and knocked out before he had the chance to react and reach for his wand.

When he finally awoke it was with a horrible headache and a pain that spread all around his body. He couldn't move his hands, they were pinned to something above him. With a panic he tried to wiggle, to move, reach for something. But he didn't even know where he was, and he could feel the panic rising up on his chest. Eyes snapped around trying to take in his sorroundings, but it was just an empty room with a door and two covered up windows to the side that barely let in the light.

This wasn't- this couldnt be just a normal kidnapping could it? But if it was where was his wand? He could no longer feel it against his pant leg where it usually was. No- no come on. He had been so careful about everything.

The door finally opened, two guys walked in, one of them with his sleeves rolled up and the Dark Mark in his arm clear in view. The sight which caused all the blood to drain from Peter's face and quickly back up against the wall. This wasn't right. What did they want? Why were they here? And why where they after him?

"You're a strangely easy man to find, Peter Parker." The tallest of the two said, wielding his wand and pointing it at him. "Now- you're quite close to Sirius Black, aren't you? And James Potter?"

Peter simply shook his head in reply, he wouldn't tell them anything there- there wasn't even anything to tell. Were they after Sirius for some reason? Peter didn't even really know where he was anymore, his owl was the one that did all the finding.

"Cute. Rethorical question though. Look all I need to know is where to find them. And we know that you must know something. You can save yourself a great deal of pain, and us a great deal of time. What do you say?"

Peter pushed down his own panic to give the man a stern look at the man. "Bite me." He said between gritted teeth at the guy, to which he only responded with a nonchalant shrug.

"As you wish." The wand pointed at Peter was moved with a gracious flick of a wrist, the words "crucio" said perfectly clear before a pain like no other washed over Peter.

The young boy screamed out in pain, writhing against his own restrains and feeling like his every bone was being snapped in pieces and his skin dipped in lava. Hot tears rushed down his face, eyes shut tightly and face twisted in pain as he simply yelled out. After what seemed like an eternity it stopped, but Peter could still feel its effects on him and the tears had not stopped. He whimpered when the guy stepped close to him, kneeling down to look at him on the floor. "You're already crying and I barely even mean it that time. Can you imagine how much worse it is going to hurt if you keep making me angry by not telling me what I need to know? Come on Peter, you're not stupid."

No he was certainly not stupid, but he was most definitely stubborn. "Has your nose always l-looked like an ass or is that just to reflect y-your personality." Peter said, earning him another round of the curse instantly.

"We'll see just how long you can keep this up. Everyone has a breaking point, dear boy, we just have to find yours."

Peter couldn't tell just how long they had allowed it to go on this time, but it had felt like an eternity. And it had certainly been going on for long enough for Peter to loose his voice from yelling out in so much pain.

The Death Eater had looked bored, even pulled up a chair and sat a few feet away from Peter, scrolling through what very much looked like his phone. "This is cute, truly. Really heartwarming. " He said, scrolling through the messages that Peter and Sirius had been sending to each other. "By the way, two missed calls. It's really too bad you can't pick up."

Blood was running down Peter's nose, he was barely even conscious enough to properly hear what the man was saying. His whole body felt so tired and worn out. He couldn't even move anymore and he was fighting sleep, doing everything in his power to try and fight the desire to just close his eyes.

The guy slipped the phone into his pocket once more and gave Peter a look of pity. "You don't know anything, do you?" He finally asked.

Peter should have been smarter, he'd watched enough movies, read enough books to know that when a hostage is useless they simply get rid of them- and not in the nice "let me untie you and give you a ride back home" kind of letting go. But he was so tired, so beside himself and his body was still in so much pain he wasn't thinking when he breathed out that one little word. "No."

The man sighed, got up, his wand in his hand again. "Pity. I was beginning to like you. Avada-" But before Peter could react, everything faded- even the pain, just one last breath.

The man dug the phone out again, struggling to get the camera working before snapping a picture of Peter's lifeless body and sending it to the last number the boy had texted.

[Text: Sirius] {img: attatched}