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atrayo · 2 months

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Channeled Angelic Wisdom of the Jewels of Truth Series on Sex Addicts and Jealousy

Hello All,

It's been a personal journey to reach this moment to blog here today, aside from today's duo of channeled angelic wisdom topics penned originally today as a 1st draft by longhand. (i.e., it typically takes me 2 hours for inspirational psychic automatic writing.) But, let me first digress before I go off on the "Jewels of Truth" tangent.

The reason in part why I missed my blog entry for late January last month. Was because I was observing the 3rd anniversary of my mother's passing from complications due to Covid-19. I wasn't in a state of mind due to melancholy and for some reason, it hit me harder this time around.

Also, a Happy Twofer of Holidays today February 14th for this year 2024. We get the celebration of St. Valentine's Day and also part of the Christian Lent season for Ash Wednesday today. So I consider it a twofer which is a very auspicious occurrence n'est-ce pas? (Isn't it so?)

Today is in part a day of romantics but in an existential sense, it is also for lovers of the divine or of God(dess) him/her/itself. As a metaphysical phenomenon where the love is unconditional based upon Agape the form of love that is spiritually of service be it brotherly or sisterly.

The nameless selfless angel I channeled as a master of grace decided to surprise me with the topic. I do that sometimes as a spiritual-based psychic channeler via automatic writing. I allow the angel to choose the topics and thus today's topics seem noir for St. Valentine's Day. Not just an excuse for the merry happy loving fool-making abandonment of the gaiety of the joys of lovemaking. But, the consequences when predation of the vile human condition is also unwittingly present, unfortunately.

So I leave you with a duo of topics on the dark side of lovemaking that turns sour into lust for sex addicts and jealousy itself. Courtesy by the narration of the angelic master. Without further adieu may your spiritual horizons be healthy and well guarded in peace always. Amen.

Sex Addicts:

3291) The gaze of the forbidden love can become the gaze of the unlawful. What was once an innocent attraction soon becomes obsessively passionate whereby it overheats unto a grotesque wanton unbridled Lust through and through.

The seeker is now the crazed hunter of a manifold of social ills that best serves no one but the deformed fallen soul from within. We the Heavenly Host do not ever condone such hateful longing for the diabolical flesh. That injures everything that is noble and heartfelt normal of the Holy Spirit within each of you that may have such reckless aims.

The flesh can be a thing of pristine beauty when it is cherished rightly by a mutually dignified grace of courtship. Where there is honor and devotion with respect towards the other person without succumbing to petty and vile tendencies of domination. Whether this is in genuine love-making even if such an adoration is purely spiritual of higher orders of devotion to God itself for the pure of heart in life.

To have a predatory yearning toward forbidden lust in an unconditional classical deranged manner. Denotes truly a broken aspect of your personality and function in the world at large. A psychological fragmentation that reeks of a shattered life in the making. By masking selfish tendencies eroding morality to the point that carnal pleasure supersedes common sense revealing a total meltdown of addiction.

Seek not to be defiled by the hungry that know no peace of the forbidden lust of various types of people and even animals themselves such as beastality. Whether as incest with relatives that lends itself to rape towards pedophilia that shatters a young life before it ever had a chance to begin emotionally. When there is no consent granted and devoid of manipulations by grooming the potential victim to be your fodder. Turn away from such corruptions we the Heavenly Host implore you for the sanctity of your soul.

Be not the destructive monster that upends the lives of others be they innocent and guilty alike. Allow for the first whispers of grace to become the shining light of mercy led by unconditional forgiveness to find relief. Otherwise, the cost of your insanity will be complete as deformed and impugned to no end in sight. Your freedom will be no more rather more a slave to such devices that wreck any semblance of righteousness from having a sway over you.

Do not be so far gone that you give in to such animalistic tendencies that leave you more of a rotten creature than an actual person in life. Those who are into predatory dating as womanizers are one such class of players of mind games in the sexual throes of personal conquest over the other lover. Such men and lesbian women be forewarned you are the Bitch within seeking domination truly over yourself. It is just you project it outwards as a form of demented transference onto your many lovers.

Destruction of the flesh can be with violence as in warfare and it can also be certainly under the sexual guise coupled with self-loathing as predators of the erotic flesh by various degrees of Hell on Earth. Please discipline yourselves for even the youth of the man who later becomes St. Augustine from antiquity. Led such a highly sexualized youth as a hedonistic party-goer until that too led to personal disgust and tragedy in his life.

Be the wiser and grow away from a life of the famine of lust into a greater looming perpetual state of forgiveness beginning within yourselves from God. Give yourself permission not to destroy yourselves multiple times over and then spread your moral disease elsewhere let alone sexually transmitted infections to the unknown. Yield to the spark that gives life spiritually from within your soul and allow us the shepherds of the ancient gods known as the angels to lead you away with mercy and peace of mind and heart in life. Amen. ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo.

Jealousy:

3292) Be not the fool that destroys that which he or she has cherished in a relationship all along in this life. The wanton yearning for complete control over your lover by means of smothering them with your insecurities. Lends itself to stupidity rather than willful surveillance that is based on mutual trust. Jealousy can upend years of progress akin to a dripping acid of doubts that corrodes everything it touches in your mindless thoughts.

To burn the bushes of Jealousy denotes a childish demeanor of being a spoiled brat. Making unrealistic assertions that defy common sense and mutual respect of your adored person(s). Placing the doubting Thomas with untold jealousy as the tyrannical ruler, judge, and executioner of their lover.

The cliche is solid when it is the idiot man who with bravado as a womanizer has an informal circle of lovers akin to a haram. Such is the grand seducer or the lady killer of the submissive woman that is tricked suspecting they are truly in a monogamous loving union. That when he feels betrayed by a female lover who shows tendencies like his own to circulate with other men throws an unsuspecting tantrum himself as a hypocrite.

Spells a vile tendency to control which is otherwise meant to teach him a hard lesson for the sake of the divine by means of karma. Such a bull-headed bastard gets a taste of his own poison and thus reveals his chauvinistic misgivings regardless of just cause.

All who listen deeply have unfortunately seen this occur elsewhere in discreet social circles. The womanizer will injure the guilty and innocent alike just to feed their ego-centric narcissistic wants for carnal power over submissive or unsuspecting women. The logical fair truth is easily damned with such a dwarfed emotionally disturbed man or lesbian. With disgusted outbursts for control through unjustified manipulation with a wreckless need for power that borders on the insane.

Those unhinged men and lesbians as womanizers who deem themselves with sexist bravado. Can easily lead to animalistic if not eventual demonic whoredom worshipping their own conquests in the making. Their hapless lovers caught in such a bewildering loop are now trapped in a web of manipulation and lies that can lead easily to domestic violence.

On the other hand, as there are poor examples of patriarchy there are also disturbed women akin to Black Widow Lovers. Controlling or attempting to control ever-widening circles of their associates and lovers be they men and woman alike bi-sexually. These ill-gotten gains make Machiavellian look like an amateur choir boy in the offing.

All manner of social drama is the stage that such Black Widow lovers thrive upon as their fields of cherished power over the hoodwinked. Their downfall is to injure or compete against their egotistical superficial pride. Often some are only living by an outline of a strategy of dominance where random unsanctioned events trigger a maelstrom of revenge and conquest alike. When others suffer in their sabotaging ways they smile with bloodless abandon towards the point of sheer malevolence.

The Fallen whom walk amongst you as a continual work of ruin becomes an ever-widening superhighway into perdition itself. What began innocently soon spirals out of your egotistical control. Instead of surrendering towards the bitter lessons of life learned. They deepen their despair to the point of cultivating corruption wherever they gaze upon that suits their supremacy for ill-gotten unholy power socially and holistically.

But, the spread of their lies isn't sufficient they must make themselves as narcissists to being the legitimate caregiver that helps their distressed victims. To subjugate the other unbeknownst to them in circumstances of their choosing to begin spooling deadly silk to choke the innocent life from their prey unwittingly.

The more victims they absorb into their madness as long cast shadows become a sweet-tasting venom of their design. Such manipulated victims become further lost to the world isolated further into the embrace of the Black Spider Queen. Sacrificial pawns of one hapless kind towards another are her newfound minions to serve the Queen Bitch as her fodder.

Whether they are hooked by ideological brainwashing or sheer blackmail makes no difference. The Jealousy of such a manipulator soon weaves are viral madness like an infection like no other. Their Tyranny is only ended as the viper is soon beheaded by the often stoic noble-hearted knight out in the world metaphorically speaking.

So confess your mistakes and make amends gradually where permissible without injuring your once victims of yesterday, today again. The one that rules themselves alone versus throngs of idiots is far more powerful of a purveyor of justice in due time. That only God can ordain with integrity in life.

Yours is the choice ultimately to live by the pain of your lessons with social horrors. Or pursue the pleasure of godly wisdom that leads you towards Heaven on Earth within a lifetime. Amen. ---Ivan Pozo-Illas / Atrayo.

Ivan "Atrayo" Pozo-Illas, has devoted 28 plus years of his life to the pursuit of clairaudient-inspired automatic writing channeling the Angelic Heavenly host. Ivan is the author of the spiritual wisdom series "Jewels of Truth" consisting of 3 volumes published to date. He also utilizes a unique channeled angelic divination method called the Multi-Deck Divination System. Numerous examples of his work are available at "Atrayo's Oracle" blog site of 18 years plus online. You're welcome to visit his website "Jewelsoftruth.us" for further information or to contact Atrayo directly.

#ivan pozo-illas #jewels of truth #atrayo's oracle #spiritual wisdom #automatic writing #angels #god #spiritual teacher #spirit guide #metaphysics #Sex Addicts #Jealousy #Psychic #Channeler #spirituality #mysticism

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andywinter16 · 1 year

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Traitor!Cor Leonis AU

This one was inspired by @midgarmosquito and their game theory. There is also added picture by @risingoflights that I can literally see when I wrote the last sentence of this. And I have an excuse to write for Titus as a big brother and father/mentor.

WARNING! In this headcanon is mentioned abuse and beating.

- Cor was angry 15 year boy that despised war and decisions made by King Mors, like pulling the Wall to Insomnia's ramparts (he though that it was a honor to serve king, not anymore)

- Cor started to be more bitter and cold towards everyone ( which did not escape a certain Drautos, who shared the sympathy)

-Titus took him under his wing, which blossomed into beautiful brotherhood (both of them cherish it dearly)

- It was slow and budding relationship from rivals to friends to brothers till death (Titus calls him affectionately “Little brother or tiny daemon”, Cor calls him “ Old bear or grumpy cat”, sometimes calls him “Big brother” when he´s feeling emotionally down)

- But the greatest confirmation of their brotherhood was when Cor came to Titus all bloodied and battered. Titus helped him bandage his injuries, gave him food meanwhile containging the rage inside. “Who did this to you, little daemon?” And afterwhile with choked voice came the answer. “It was my step dad. He tried to beat mum again, so ...” Titus didn´t need to hear anything else. He let Cor crash at his apartment, while he plotted.

- Next day, Cor recieved a news that his stepfather was arrested, for what he didn´t know. He went to Titus, because he knew the older male had something to do with it. When sleepy Titus opened the door, Cor with no hesitation huggs him. “Thank you big bro, thank you so much.” Titus never felt more alive than at this moment.

- Few years later, Cor is dissatisfied with Regis who acts as a puppet of the nobility. Especially with decisions of the reffugees, who are threated poorly and used as pawns for a war

- Titus introduced Cor to Nyx Ulric, his troublemaker protegee. Cor in private jokes with Titus that Nyx is more like his son. “Shut up, that´s not it!” “Yeah, yeah whatever you said Titus.”

- Titus takes Cor to Cavaugh more specificaly to his village. “This is where it all started for me. My quest for revenge.” Tells him about his family and friends who have died. How from loyal soldier to Crown he became the feared general Glauca of Niflheim.

- There Cor truly meets the real Titus, broken man with nothing else to lose. And Cor doesn´t even hesitate when Titus asked him to join in their rebellion. “ You have my sword ,Titus. Whatever it takes, I am on your side.”

- Cor met all the glaives that joined, promising them a better future. Is took by surprise by Luche Lazarus, who thanked him for everything he has done for them

- Cor also received information about sleeping agent placed in Prince´s retinue, Titus didn´t specified it just said “ It´s insurance if anything goes wrong.”

- when the Day of Signing came, Cor did as Regis told him with exception that he joined Glauca in the fight.

Nyx´s eyes reflected pain and utter disbelief. “ Captain, Marshall ... It was you two all along.”

- “ Forgive me, old friend.” Cor´s the one who deals the final blow to Regis.

- Meanwhile Titus went to fight Nyx alone while Cor was coordinating their forces (what's left of them, anyway)

- Whole fight sequence later Cor at last came to the side of the battle, tired disolving Nyx sitting on other side of gravely injured Titus.

- ” Titus, Titus goddamn it! Here, take the potion!” Titus stops him, his eyelids starting to feel heavy. “It´s okay little brother, you can´t help me ... “ Cor eyes started to water. “No, don´t do this to me Titus. You´re my fucking brother, the last good thing I have left.” Cor catch him by his collar. “As you were my, Cor.”

#ffxv #ffxv kingsglaive #traitor!Cor Leonis AU #cor leonis #Titus Drautos #mentioned Nyx Ulric #regis lucis caelum #mentioned luche lazarus #final fantasy xv

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tornwingsfaery · 4 months

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My beautiful boy, now you really are an angel!

And Zeebo, I can feel you watching over me. Our bond is still there, and I know you are someplace really good, now; more importantly, you feel completely healthy, too. And I will be there with you too in practically no time at all.

But still, this hurts so much right now, not being able to hold you close and push my face against your scruff to smell your precious Zeebo scent, oh it hurts: literally, physically, hurts - this is why it's called a broken heart! I always thought that was a metaphor, but, apparently no. It hurts in my heart.

As if a jagged, brutal, border collie x staffordshire bull terrier cutout was torn out of me with pincers, emotionally speaking.

I have never in my life felt such enormity of mental anguish.

I know the wound will heal from so raw and glaringly, violently bleeding, to, become, eventually, a scar that I can bear.

My sweet dogson, my such a good boy, that you have been gone 2 entire days now astonishes me. It feels so present, utterly right now this very moment. And, simultaneously as if I've been suffering our separation nigh on forever.

You, Zeebo, are the reason that I recovered from addiction and stayed recovered, because you needed me to care for you. It wasn't easy, but it sure helped, (probably as much as subz,) that once there was you added to me, life no longer equaled pain.

🐕+🧚=❤️

You kept on inspiring me through all the therapy and striving til things absolutely improved; both things, and - me. That bit about being the person your dog thinks you are? The world thanks you for my improved outlook, as do I, of course.

On the very first night we met, sweet baby, I looked at you and loved you right there on the spot. I knew the one thing in the world that I wanted the most was, for the first time in a long-ass minute NOT a chemical: I just wanted you to be my dog(son).

And like your bowl proclaimed, my honey baby, "You had me at 'woof'."

I want you to know that the last 9 years of your 13 when we belonged to one another were the best and kindest of my life. You even let me know, the way you fell in love with your soon-to-be dad, that I was safe in trusting him into our lives. (Daddy misses you a lot, as I am sure you can tell, he is just outwardly coping with more calm than I, helping me through it even though he's hurting too.)

Thank you for it all, Zeebo. There are 2 main reason I can keep shuffling forward rn: to honor the gift of hope and belief in goodness, and Light, that you helped me find in life once again. And knowing that you were happy til right before the end; you knew how very much you were loved.

I will heal enough, and be happy enough, again. We will adopt another rescue pup at that point. I will never, even for a day, forget you, and I will always love you so much even I don't have enough words to describe it. Because you are, and always will be, my Very Good Boy, my Zeebo.

RIP Zeebo

A Most Excellent Gentledog

February 2010 - December 12th, 2023

#dogs #dog #grief #dealing with grief #grieving #Grieving dog

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recentlylocal · 1 year

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Agape and 'til I reach you for....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 9, 11? Actually, if you just wanted to ramble on about those fics, that would work too

Send me writing questions!

WELL TWIST MY ARM I GUESS

I blame Moira Quirk’s audio book narration for ‘til I reach you, because that scene absolutely CRUSHED ME when I listened to it. I was very no thoughts, head empty about writing it otherwise, it was once of those snippets that just fell into my head fully formed. I wrote and edited the whole thing in half a day. As a fic it made a nice home for a lot of my meta-thoughts about Camilla’s story and how she’s just...put up with so goddamn much in this series. Poor Camilla, Queen of Hypovolemic Shock.

I will also take this moment to point out that Camilla has the line “it’s just a flesh wound,” in this fic, which is 100% an intentional Monty Python reference, and I am shocked nobody yelled at me about that one in the comments.

Agape, on the other hand, took me FOUR MONTHS so I have way more thoughts.

1. What inspired you to write the fic this way? I got a Nona arc in July and of course the knuckle kiss scene sent me spiraling. I drafted a couple of scenes really soon after I read it, and then figured if I could come up with a few more I could format it as a 5+1 instead of just a snippet. (Side note but 5+1s are apparently fandom old school now?)

2. What scene did you first put down? I actually wrote them more or less in the order they appear in the fic which is VERY unusual for me, I usually write out of order and then stitch everything together. I considered re-ordering them chronologically before I posted but I liked the dreamy sort of atmosphere of skipping around, felt more true to how someone would actually be recalling a bunch of related memories.

3. What’s your favorite line of narration? "She said nothing, because every word she could conceive of was even worse than this awful, broken silence." Felt really good about this one, especially since it was like the ninth time in this fic I had to come up with another emotionally charged way to describe Cam not saying anything.

Honorable mention to “Seis muttered something about teenagers with God-complexes“ because can you imagine how insufferable those two would have been at fourteen??

4. What’s your favorite line of dialogue? I struggle to pick between any of the dialogue in snippet #3 (everyone is being SO bitchy in that one which was fun for me) but "four hours ago you called it a placebo" still makes me giggle AND I migrated it over from a scene I cut from two corpses, so I was happy to re-home it.

ALSO I really enjoy Pal’s “I could find the courage to walk backwards into hell, would I know that you were behind me” vis a vis this dril tweet.

5. What part was hardest to write? Cam's dialogue always takes a long time to write because she says so much with so few words, I have a separate, specific editing process JUST for her lines (which is a whole other post.) Of all the snippets, #6 was hardest to write because it was SO charged, and it was a rare moment of writing Cam and Pal not seeing eye to eye.

9. Were there any alternate versions of this fic? Well there was an alternate version where I didn't write an entire extra scene so it was actually a 5+1 and not a 6+1 😆 I briefly considered cutting a scene when I realized my mistake, but I'd sunk way too much effort in at that point and I was attached to all of them.

11. What do you like best about this fic? I tend to write too much dialogue and not enough description of what’s happening around the dialogue, and I really worked at writing body language and emotional pauses into this one. It’s something I really struggle with (writing body language especially), and I'm really happy with how well I managed in this fic, it was a really good writing exercise for me.

#fic writing #asks #thank you so much for sending!!

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meticulousfragments · 2 years

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I'll confess it's more than I bargained for bc I was just asking for a single character. But I appreciate them all! Is this Minnie as in Mina? You didn't ask for recommendations, but I'll offer them anyway. If I were you I'd put her first three levels into artificer, up until the armorer subclass, trying to make herself tough and attract a patron, which she does, and starts dealing so much insane damage with her lightning enhanced gloves under her leather trenchcoat, except…. She slowly discovers that she just multiclassed into rogue at level 4, and has been sneak attacking everyone to death, and her "patron" has been misleading her. PEACHES IS CUTE AS HELL AND I WILL FIGHT AND DIE FOR LOXODON IN NON-MTG D&D!!!!!! Is Peaches the kind of Barbarian who isn't actually angry and doesn't really want to be spending time on all this violence stuff, but feels like that's her appointed roll? Bc I love that dynamic! So much!!!!!! Heck!!!!! I love Loxodon soooooo much. <3

Minnie is short for Minerva, chosen because it sounds similar to "Miranda," and Mama's Broken Heart was a big inspiration for her Vibe.

And her multiclassing would work a little differently than other characters, because I'm not planning to start her at a low level and then build up. She's specifically meant to be a backup character for a specific situation in a specific setting, so I'd be starting her at a high level.

I like the hexblade warlock/vengeance paladin combo because I played with someone who used something similar before, and it gets extremely fun. (Plus he had a ring of spell storing full of only Shield, which made combat nuts). The gunslinger/assassin combo is based on Deadeye Cybin, which was a Brennan character on NADDPOD who also got super nasty in combat, but with the warlock feat for character flavor. If she comes into play below tenth level, it'll be the w/p multiclass, if tenth or higher the g/a combo. It's very situational, and for now she's just an

Peaches gets angry when the situation calls for it, especially when her friends are in danger. She's big on feeling and experiencing her emotions and then working through them. And while her specific dynamic in the party would depend on when/how she actually comes into play, I think she'd be more the kind who is happy to fill a needed role. She has a skill, sees it as honoring her family to used it, and likes helping out her friends with it.

Honestly she might be the most emotionally healthy of any OC I have.

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alexys618 · 5 months

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Shouldn’t I be proud for where I am now? It’s been a year and almost 5 months but somehow I still feel like I’m not where I should be.

I’ll probably never really get over you or us

I mean, we have two kids together. They are constant reminder of us.

I started to date again and sometimes I really wish he was you instead I thought I was ready to move on. I thought I deserve to move on.

He’s older his kids are grown and he’s not you I wanted something different I found out I was pregnant a few days ago and the first person I thought of was you and now I feel ashamed because I no longer wanted children here I am again pregnant but this time it feels wrong. I don’t think I can keep this baby but I don’t believe in abortions either. I don’t know what I’m gonna do and I’m so afraid of this coming out and hurting you, but why does it matter you took everything from me I had to start completely over, I lost my apartment. I lost what I thought was a home and you and us the kids and I were homeless for five months. I finally started working again I finally started putting myself out there again. I went to therapy I thought I healed from us, but again, how can I ever truly heal from someone who doesn’t realize all the pain that they’ve caused me

I’m now pregnant by a man who doesn’t want this child, but wants to be a part of my life how do I fall in the one to two percentage of getting pregnant? He got a vasectomy done. But here I am still pregnant and the reason why I thought of you right away because this baby will be born in August, and we always talked about having an August baby. Been broken up for almost a year and five months and realistically, I know that’s not enough time to fully heal, after all the abuse after all the trauma, but I thought I was OK but finding out I was pregnant made me feel like I was betraying you. It doesn’t even make sense how my brain thinks the way that it does you are not the man that honors me the values me we can’t even coparent now, but somehow you tell me you’re not over me but you can’t do the things I need you to do as a man, so yeah I wanted to move on. I wanted to try because I can’t wait. I can’t wait for you. I can’t wait for you to wake up one day and apologize for all the pain, I can’t wait for you to realize that it’s always been me. I’m not this toy that you get to play with when you want to so here I am three kids later single no car paying 1600 in rent for an apartment that looks like i should be paying only 950.

I’m dating somebody I’ve only known for four months but God magically wanted to give me a baby again after everything that I’ve been through this year I don’t know whether this is actually from God or karma. but how can a baby be karma?

I thought I accepted where we are now I thought I had peace knowing that you can never give me the closure that I thought I needed but now I feel like I’m back to square one you told me the other day that you weren’t over us while I have another man’s baby inside of me But in the mist of you telling me you’re not over us. We are arguing about decisions when it comes to our boys sometimes I think you miss me, but I don’t really think you actually miss me. I think you miss the thought of having somebody always there the thought of somebody taking care of you and the fact that we share two kids together will always be connected and because since we met when we were children, it’s hard to let go, but once I were to tell you that I’m carrying somebody else’s child, you won’t tell me anymore that you’re not over me and it’s not like you’re doing anything now so have me back in your life it’s not like you apologize or genuinely apologized where are you have changed? I think you like to feed me breadcrumbs to keep me on the back burner, and the mist of hoping that I don’t ever move on. How is it OK you were the one that was abusive, mentally and emotionally but it wasn’t always like that you were trying charming your inspiring you were the man of my dreams. I thought I was gonna have the career, the house the dog, the happy family, but you sold the façade And I’m still here picking up the pieces. I lost my best friend and now I’m in a situation where you’re the only person I wanna talk to you when I can’t talk to you because you will shame me. You will be mad at me for trying to move on you would slut shame me. I can’t bring another baby in this world but I can’t have an abortion. How can I bring a baby in this world knowing the father doesn’t want this baby? Why am I worried about breaking your heart when you broke mine repeatedly and didn’t blink twice. I am lost. There are no words.

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jaceyneedsabetterusername · 3 years

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Ni Kar'tayl Gar Darasuum

Pairing: Din Djarin x Pregnant! Reader

Summary: When you finally wake up, Din knows it’s time to break the news. (Part 2 of Aliit Be Cuur)

Warnings: Pregnancy, Mild Description of Injuries

Word Count: 3700

A/N: The much requested part 2 to Aliit Be Cuur! I took some inspiration from a comment by @linkpk88. My apologies for the long ass name. I just wanted to keep up with the Mando’a theme.

__________

“M-mando?” Your voice shook and cracked from having gone so long without being used. You were trying to reach towards him but in reality, your fingers only lifted off the medical cot ever so slightly.

Mando looked as if he’d possibly fallen asleep at your bedside, though it was difficult to know for sure with the helmet and the way he had a habit of sitting so still, even when he was awake. At your words, though, he immediately stood up, shooting to attention and coming to your bedside, “Cyar’ika? How are you feeling?”

“W-water? Please?” Your mouth was dry and throat stiff. It felt like you’d been breathing in hot sand and it had sucked all the moisture from your body.

Mando reached down to a water pack he had for himself on the ground by the crate he’d been residing on, unscrewing the lid, and tilting it slightly at your lips. The liquid felt like the best thing you’d ever drank, life suddenly coming back to your body at the small amount of water. “Thank you,” You said as he put the lid back on.

Mando sighed, his gloved hand coming down to rub over your knuckles gently, careful to avoid anywhere covered with bandages, “Why would you run in like that?”

“I thought you were dead. I was ready to kill the damn thing with my own two hands. I certainly can tell you I wasn’t expecting it to explode.” You attempted to chuckle weakly but you flinched, hand reaching for your torso in a poor attempt at soothing the pain of the broken ribs and burns.

Mando noticed the way your fingers grazed unassumingly over your belly that held the secret everyone but you knew about and he stiffened beneath the beskar armor. “How long have I been out?”

“About a day. The attack was yesterday.” He answered, pulling the crate closer to your bedside so he could sit beside you while you spoke.

You groaned at the thought of being unconscious for so long, “Am I dying?” You asked in an attempt at making a joke to lighten the mood. You could practically feel the anxiety and stress radiating off Mando and you wanted to try to lighten the mood but clearly it hadn’t helped. Your grip on his fingers tightened slightly, reassuring him. “Hey, I’m kidding. It’s gonna be alright.”

Mando’s silence was not something you were unaccustomed to. Even now that your relationship was much closer than professional, he was a man of few words. You still couldn’t help the way your face a little when you felt like your joke may have caused more harm than good.

Little did you know that Mando had glanced up over your shoulder and made eye contact with the nurse from yesterday, the one who had shown him the unborn child within your womb. Of course, the nurse couldn’t tell that the Mandolorian was looking at him but he still sent the masked man a knowing, almost pushing look.

As selfish as it made Mando feel, because obviously he was very concerned for your wellbeing and wanted nothing more than for you to be awake and okay, he was relieved when you remained asleep through the night. It gave him time to get his own thoughts straight, how he felt and how he would tell you.

Children were sacred in Mandolorian culture. With depleted numbers, many of the Alor had encouraged child rearing amongst Mandolorians or the adoption of Foundlings to save the Way. Even so, Mando had honestly never actually seriously considered being a father, at least not at this stage of his life. He had Grogu, to whom he was a father by the Creed, but physically rearing his own genetic children felt different to him, even if it wasn’t supposed to. He lived a dangerous life full of criminals and skeezy backwater planets and he was comfortable that way. Even if it was preferred that Mandolorians reproduce, he was one of the few that had been called more to a life of service. Besides, after losing everyone he’d ever loved, from his birth parents to his clan, he was used to being alone. A part of him was scared to bring more people into his life because he didn’t want to keep losing them. Even accepting the fact that he loved you took a long time.

But Mando was nothing if not a man of duty and honor and, as the leader of his clan of two, your lover, a father to Grogu, and now a father to your unborn child, he had a responsibility to protect and care for all within his clan, which was now about to expand to a clan of four. It was a responsibility that he had actually come to almost look forward to in some aspects in the early morning hours when he allowed his mind to move from the hardships that you were sure to face to the happy memories you were all sure to make together.

“There’s-there’s something you need to know.” He began directly, his modulated voice sounding strained.

Your smile faded at his tone and you gave him a concerned look, “Wait, am I actually dying?”

His helmet shook side to side in a moment of silence before he continued, struggling to find the right words. All the words he’d spent all night rehearsing in his head were failing him now. “No. They said you’re going to be fine.” He began, another pause between words as the actual confession was so much harder to get out than he imagined it would be. Mando had never been a man of many words but suddenly there were no words at all that seemed fitting.

Your eyebrows raised and you shook your head a little, indicating for him to continue. Nerves buzzed through your body. Mando was never like this. Sure, he had never been very talkative but he was concise and straight to the point when he did. He was never one to beat around the bush or draw out information for dramatic effect. Whatever he had on his mind must have been serious if he were struggling this badly. “What’s wrong, Mando? What happened?”

“The nurse came by while you were out. He said you’re pregnant.” The words came out clear and blunt, straight to the point. It was the only way he could process the information himself and he struggled to find a more delicate way to put it to you.

Your jaw went slack at the news, “What?”

“You didn’t know?” It wasn’t so much a question as much as it was a confirmation of what he had hoped. You hadn’t known. You weren’t keeping secrets from him. That alone made him feel better.

You shook your head, looking a little offended at the suggestion, “No, of course not. I- I wouldn’t have-” Your brain was moving a million miles a minute and cohesive sentences were difficult to form. “You have to trust me that I would have told you if I knew.”

The sentiment let out a floodgate of relief in Mando’s chest. “What do you want to do?” He asked simply. Throughout the night, he had thought about this long and hard and the more he thought, the more he was actually excited about the prospect of having a baby. An actual baby. He knew that this wasn’t just his decision though.

You swallowed hard, looking down at your stomach that you had just noticed was covered with Mando’s cape. “I-I don’t know. I need some time to think. This is just… a lot.”

You didn’t talk about it for a while. You barely spoke at all for almost an hour. After he knew you were alright, Mando had left your side to take Grogu outside. The poor kid had been cooped up inside for almost two days. It also allowed you time to think without the pressure of him being right beside you. Mando didn’t know if you needed time alone to process the information or if you needed him there to talk it through but he knew that he preferred to have time to himself to figure things out and it was the best thing he could think of to help you.

The nurse had stopped by while Mando was gone, just to ensure that the Mandolorian had in fact informed you that you were pregnant. He went over your vitals, important basic information about being pregnant, answered any questions you had, and reapplied bacta to all your wounds, which were estimated to be fully healed up within the next few hours with minimal scarring, thanks to the miracle medicine. You felt better after he left, physically and emotionally.

When Mando returned a few hours later, you were sitting up in bed, having made nearly a full recovery. “You’re looking better.” He commented as he walked over to you.

You gave a small smile of acknowledgement before looking down at your hands and flexing your wrists. You stretched out your torso a little bit. Your back was certainly achy but at least you didn’t feel like you had been hit by a flaming X-wing anymore. Mando felt better now that he could see the burns and abrasions that had littered so much of your body fading away to your natural skin color, only a few looking like they might possibly even leave a scar.

“I’m feeling better.” You responded and it was clear that you meant it about everything.

Grogu toddled towards the bed and reached his tiny arms out in an attempt to reach the frame and climb his way up to you but couldn’t reach. With an amused chuckle, you bent down and lifted the baby effortlessly.

Mando didn’t want to press you about the matter but he was desperate to know what exactly your future held. He stood in waiting silence until you spoke again, “How do you feel about this?”

Despite the fact that you were often concerned for others before yourself, he hadn’t been expecting that question. It also just wasn’t a question he had ever been used to being asked. Nobody usually cared. “How do I feel?”

You nodded, looking up to him, “Yeah.”

Mando sighed before sitting on the medical cot beside you, the thin mattress dipping more under his weight and the weight of his armor. He struggled to find the right answer to this question. Not just the right answer that you wanted to hear but the right answer that was truthful to himself. “Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum.”

“What does that mean?” You asked, gently stroking Grogu’s soft head while you glanced to your left at Mando. You had tried to pick up on Mando’a since you’d been travelling with Mando but he rarely spoke it unless it was a knee-jerk expletive, which you too were now an expert on.

“It means I love you. I know you. But it’s much deeper than those words mean in this language. But… that’s how I feel.” It took a lot for Mando to admit his feelings for you. Words of affection were seldom exchanged between the two of you. Your love for each other manifested more as just a mutual feeling of love, protection, and honesty with each other that extended beyond platonic friendship. Mando especially had a hard time expressing his feelings so when the words left his mouth, you couldn’t take your eyes off the visor in his helmet that hid those eyes you wished so badly you could finally see.

“I love you too,” You started, wishing you could repeat those words in his tongue but knowing you would do them no justice. There was a brief pause while you inhaled a deep thoughtful breath before you continued, vulnerably honest, “I would like to raise this child with you, Mando.”

Again, another pause. The silence hung thick and uncomfortable in the air, at least for you. You wished so deeply you could see his face so you could at least try to get a glimpse of something that might be going on in his head. You swallowed hard, attempting to get rid of the lump in your throat that was forming in the midst of his pensive silence. You took your eyes off his helmet that seemed to be pointed towards your knees or the ground just below them, though you could never tell exactly where his gaze ever actually was, and stared at your lap where you began to pick at your fingers with your thumb nail.

“Din.”

“What?”

You looked back over to the Mandalorian to see his visor turn towards you and this time you were sure his gaze matched. “If we’re going to have a child together, I want you to know my name. It’s Din. Din Djarin.”

You smiled, knowing how important this was to him. Mandalorian culture was still something you were learning about and you hadn’t met any other than Man- Din - but he had never told you his name before so you assumed that perhaps it was like his face, where you couldn’t know it in its true form. “Din Djarin,” You tested the name on your tongue, “I like it. It suits you.”

Din’s mouth fell in disbelief beneath his helmet at the way his name rolled so sweetly off your tongue and he let out a little sigh of happiness when you had said you liked it. Though saying his name was not breaking the Creed, it was something he very seldom told anyone. It reminded him of his home planet and his birth parents, good memories tainted by tragedy that he preferred to avoid. It was also a way that he kept people at an arm’s length, a habit he’d developed quickly as a distrusting bounty hunter. But he didn’t want to be called Mando by you anymore. If you were going to give him the gift of a child, a literal human being to call his own, the least he could give in return was as much of him as he had to give.

“There’s one more thing,” He began, reaching into his pocket. You stayed silent but waiting as you watched him pull a long chain from his pants, a small pearlescent shard dangling from the end. He held it up for you to see, the jagged and unrefined edges to the uniquely beautiful stone swaying in his grip. “I would like you to become my riduur.”

Your mouth fell into an ‘o’ shape. That word you knew. The Armorer had asked Din if you were his riduur back on Navarro all those months ago, to which he honestly answered no to. “I love you, Din, but I don’t want you to marry me just because I’m pregnant.”

“In my culture, we come to have our own children in several ways but marriage is not necessary in any. Like I said earlier, mesh’la: Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum. And I would be extremely grateful if you would do me the honor of joining me in riduurok, baby or not.” He confessed, pressing the necklace into your hands.

The edges, though jagged, were not sharp by any means. Simply unrefined but there was a beauty in it. The light created the illusions of different textures across the small stone. The chain was thin and of a material that you didn’t recognize, a dark grey metal that definitely was not silver, beskar, gold, or steel. “Usually betrothal tokens are rings. I know this is not a ring but Cobb had managed to scour a few broken pieces of Krayt pearl from the dragon yesterday and should you accept my offer, I will replace that chain with one made of beskar.”

You shook your head, trying to shake away any doubt as to how perfect his gesture could be, “It’s beautiful. I love it.”

“You don’t have to decide now.”

“I would be an honor to be your riduur.”

“Really?” He asked, sounding genuinely surprised. “You’ve never even seen my face and you’re willing to marry me?”

You reached a hand out to rest on his helmet, just where it curved inwards where his cheek should be, “I know that I love the heart of the man behind this armor and I know what you feel like without it in the dark. I am willing to marry you without knowing what you look like beneath that helmet because I know I love you regardless.”

Din’s hand came to press against yours, holding it against his helmet. Inside, his face was pressed against the interior, wishing he could feel more than just mere knowledge that your hand was there. He wished he could feel your skin against his again. “When we are bound in riduurok, I can finally remove my helmet for you and for you alone.”

Your heart picked up with excitement, “You mean I can really see your face one day?”

His helmet nodded up and down.

“I can’t wait to look you in the eye and kiss you one day.” You closed your eyes and leaned your forehead against the beskar shielding Din’s face but he was mirroring the action beneath. A smile crept up on your lips and you handed him back the necklace, “Would you mind?”

He reached around your neck and clasped the necklace together, pulling your hair gently to lay over the thin metal cord. “How’s it look?” You asked, straightening out the pearl over your chest.

“Like it was meant to be there.”

His arm fell to rest comfortable behind your back and you leaned over to rest your head on his shoulder. It was uncomfortable from the beskar that pressed hard into your cheek but you would still rest like that for the rest of time and then some if it meant you could be with Din. Grogu sat between you, a tiny leg on each of your legs and your hand pressing against his stomach gently to keep him from falling forward.

When he startled wiggling around in your grasp, making tiny grunts of effort, it drew both yours and Din’s attention down to see what the kid was doing. He twisted to face your stomach, your hand now firmly keeping him from tumbling backwards. Neither you or Din were sure quite how much of your language he understood but it would have appeared that he somehow understood that there was now a new addition to your clan because his small three-fingered hand stretched out to rest against your lower belly and he closed his eyes, leaning back into your hand slightly.

At first, you thought he was just trying to feel for the baby, which of course was far from being large enough at this stage to feel, especially from the outside. “Hey, hey! What’re you doing?” Din asked, not angrily but definitely concerned for what Grogu could be doing to the new baby. Though he wasn't a malicious child, Din had seen him choke Cara with the Force once before and he couldn't be sure what was going on within your womb from the outside. All he knew was that the kid was definitely using the Force.

Grogu kept his eyes shut, ignoring his father, but a look of contentment spread over his face. That was when you felt it. You weren't even quite sure what it was that you were feeling but it felt positive, like an awareness of the life inside you that had been previously unbeknownst. It was more than that though. You could feel your connection to it and, though you knew it sounded absolutely insane, you could have sworn you could feel Grogu connecting to the fetus as well.

Din made a move to lift the child from your lap but you put your hand on his forearm to stop him, “Wait, it’s alright.” You nodded in reassurance, looking down to Grogu. “Can you feel them?”

Grogu reached out his other hand for Din’s, his entire hand only able to wrap around a single gloved finger. That was when Din felt it too. Again, it was a sensation he couldn’t describe. It was almost like an awareness of life but it was clearly emanating from within your womb. Grogu was merely acting as a bridge for Din.

“Do you feel it too?” You asked, looking up at Din.

Beneath his helmet, his mouth was agape as he struggled to process the feeling of life and light that seemed to radiate from where his body met Grogu’s and that his mind was able to just innately comprehend that this was the life you and he had created. “Yeah, I feel it.” He breathed out in amazement. “Is that the baby?” Din asked, the idea sounding preposterous but at the same time he had no idea of the capabilities of this new thing he’d learned of called the Force. He didn’t know the limits of Grogu’s power or his connection to it.

Grogu’s hands fell from both your stomach and Din’s hand as he flopped onto his butt on your knee with an exhausted plop. Nevertheless, his disproportionate green ears wiggled happily and the rosiness in his cheeks made you fairly certain the answer was yes.

Your hand came to cover where Grogu’s hand had just been, no longer feeling that same light feeling you had when he was touching you. Din no longer felt that connection either since Grogu sat down. “I don’t know what that was but it was kind of amazing.” You let out a breathy chuckle, “We’re going to be an actual family. Can you believe it, Din?”

“Y’know, deep down, I think a part of me always wanted to have a family. A riduur and a youngling all of my own. I just got so used to being alone that I didn’t think I would ever find someone I’d want that with. But now I have you and Grogu and,” his hand came around your front to gently rest on your stomach, “this. I promise you that I will care for you and protect you both until the day you give birth and every day after.”

You lifted your hand to Din’s helmet, gently turning him to face you, “Trillions of men in this universe and I got lucky enough to find you.” Grogu squealed in your lap and you laughed, stroking his ears, “And you.” Your hand dropped to Din’s lap and you laid your head against his chest plate, “I love you, Din. I cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives together.”

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macandriley · 3 years

Text

5x06 - A Very MacRiley Analysis

Obligatory post to answer the age-old question: What do you see in MacRiley?

I’d like to start this off by saying, like a lot of you, I had very minimal hopes for this episode. I really didn’t expect anything to happen on the MacRiley front—especially not something that would significantly impact that storyline.

But...I do enjoy being wrong.

Full transparency: this is not an episode review. If it were, I’d have to talk about the glaring plot inconsistencies and strange timeline. And I feel like I’ve already talked myself hoarse over that.

So, without further adieu, let’s get into the long-winded analysis.

The Cold Open

Absolutely irrelevant to the overall story and to this analysis. I just really like the way Mac says, “Riley, take the wheel,” and I thought it deserved an honorable mention.

“2020 Is Gonna Be Awesome”

Here, we cut to quarantine shenanigans. It’s cute. Fun. To see Riley and Bozer interacting like siblings again after so long just felt right.

Now, this is the pandemic, so of course conversations of toilet paper shortages arise. So Mac, in true MacGyver fashion, throws out some fun alternatives like newspaper and pine needles. And Riley shoots them all down, as she should.

Because in the immortal words of Desi in 5x04, “Ew.”

This is when Bozer mentions that they could use the cardboard from Riley’s moving boxes. A seemingly innocent suggestion on the surface. If you don’t pay much attention to it, it goes right by without any fuss.

However, at this point in canon, here’s what we know:

Bozer knows about Riley’s feelings for Mac

Riley has verbally told him that the reason she’s moving out is because of MacDesi. (Though her exact reasoning might’ve been intentionally misleading on her part)

So what does this mean? Well, to put it simply, Bozer is encouraging her to embrace living with Mac. To unpack her bags and stick around a while. A suggestion that Riley seems to ignore, as she says she’s dead set on getting out of there the second the pandemic allows.

Of course, the second she mentions moving, Mac picks back up with his beautiful Fauci song. Could it be that Himbo Barbie doesn’t like talking about Riley leaving? That’s open for interpretation.

Bonus points: Mac (incorrectly) blames Riley for not doing the dishes and it’s just adorably domestic.

Getting Fed

Again, this scene is insignificant. The OG trio sit down to dinner, with Desi and Matty on video chat. It’s cute.

But there is definitely something to be said for the way Riley looked at Mac when he mentioned having a private chat with Desi. My heart really went out to her there, because it must seem to her like she’s constantly being overlooked.

After dinner, Riley and Bozer share a brief conversation. She expresses a disinterest in discussing her feelings, and reaffirms her choice to move out.

But Bozer reminds her that she’s only moving out so she “doesn’t have to watch Mac and Desi together,” and that “At this moment, it doesn’t seem like they are.”

This scene is important for two reasons:

Bozer is clearly more supportive of MacRiley, which makes him honorary ship captain (as far as I’m concerned).

it reaffirms the fact that her feelings are still very real, no matter how hard the lady doth protest.

Kitchen Floor Confessional

You all know this one from promo. After a tense conversation with Bozer, Mac heads inside to do the dishes. Riley, being the helpful person she is, offers to lend a hand.

One thing leads to another, and the two wind up sitting on the floor by the sink, side by side. Just talking. The conversation comes to an end when Riley, who looks as though she wants to say something else, decides against it. (This “something else”, of course, would have been her confession).

Cue the somewhat longing, emotionally charged staring from both parties.

At this point, Mac says he’s going to go for a jog and abruptly leaves Riley alone in the kitchen. It’s clear by the look on her face that she feels, in some way, rejected. And the viewer is, at least for now, left to ponder why Mac seemed to cut the moment off so strangely.

Though one could hypothesize that, just like Riley’s being packed and ready to go, Mac’s running has a little more to do with the emotional distancing than physical.

The Parking Lot

Here we see Mac run off to speak to Desi. A scene I will not discuss at length, because the idea of playing footsie makes me cringe in the deepest recesses of my soul.

A little ways away, Bozer asks Riley if she told Mac about her feelings. She tells him she didn’t and that she’s glad, because she doesn’t want to be the thing that comes between them and their “happiness” (happiness is in quotes here because it seems like “anger” and “annoyance” are more common for them).

The dialogue in and of itself is not what I want to focus on here though. It’s the way the scene is framed.

Outside of the close-up shots for MacDesi’s conversation, much of the camera angles are from Riley’s perspective. Distant. Detached. The standpoint of an outsider looking in—of a girl watching the man she cares about being happy with someone else.

The camerawork here makes this more of a Riley-centric moment than a MacDesi one.

Which is important because, from a narrative standpoint, there is no reason to frame it that way unless her emotions are going to be focal later on. This entire exchange implies that, in some way, Riley’s feelings are, were, and will be important to the plot.

Yay for directorial story telling.

A Moment

What to say about this scene?

Mac has a heart to heart with Bozer and promises to be more present in his life. Bozer thanks him and begs him to finally clean the damn kitchen.

And agreeing, Mac turns away to do just that. Only, he stops himself short and tells Bozer he has one more thing he’d like to discuss.

The quote went as follows: “Kay, so...in the kitchen here a couple nights ago with Riley, there was a, uh...I don’t know, a moment.”

As I’m sure every MacRiley knows, him acknowledging that scene as a legitimate moment between them was incredibly unexpected. They’ve arguably had “moments” before, but only Riley ever seemed to notice them. Mac never mentioned having feelings, or even seemed like he might be aware of them.

This scene is the first time we’ve ever had direct confirmation that he feels—at least, in some capacity—the same way.

To make it even better, this scene happens directly after MacDesi’s footsie match in the parking lot. Which means that, even when he’s got positive momentum with Desi, he’s still got Riley on his mind.

Side note: I personally think this explains his behavior in 5x03. He doesn’t see Riley reciprocating, and he’s probably incredibly worried about screwing up all their history—an issue he doesn’t have with Desi, since they didn’t have much of a friendship first.

So he throws himself back into that in an attempt to smother his feelings. Will it work? Only time will tell.

Ending

After cleaning up the kitchen, Mac picks up the piece of glass he’d left on the floor and, surprise surprise, finally gets an idea for his ventilator. Some fans say this is Riley’s influence, which I can honestly see.

Especially given the quote Mac says at the end:

“When the world feels like it’s so turned upside down that it’s impossible to fix, it helps to look at things from a different angle. Because no matter how broken something appears—whether its your grumpy neighbor, your terrified best friend, your estranged girlfriend, or a shard of glass—that broken thing could inspire something new...Maybe even something better than before.”

I believe this is a direct foreshadow to MacRiley. Somehow, his fractured relationship with Desi will make him see what he COULD have with Riley. This “new angle” might even help him see that he’s better off as friends with Desi (something new), and that he might be happier in a relationship with Riley (something better).

And if you still don’t buy that, well...the scene transition seems pretty damning.

There was absolutely no reason the camera couldn’t have faded to Bozer. Or to a shot of all three of them. This feels incredibly intentional, no?

In Conclusion

“Codex Adrenaline” and “Quarantine Cabin Fever” are cop-outs. Riley still likes Mac. Mac now likes Riley. And we are 100% going to see more development on that front. So is this a win?

I think so.

But I wanna hear from y’all. What did you like about this episode? What did you hate? Do you feel like they’re leading up to something bigger for MacRiley?

I’d love to hear y’alls thoughts.

#MacGyver #MacGyver CBS #Riley Davis #Angus MacGyver #MacGyver 2016 #MacRiley #Mac and Riley #5x06 Spoilers

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caffernnn · 3 years

Note

Final stroke spoilers: ⚠️‼️

I just saw a post on Twitter about the Haru and Rin scene and how they didn’t feel that it was that ooc of Haru. I thought I was the only one who felt that it was kind of justified on Haru’s end. Because both Rin and Ikuya put Haru and their friends through so much when they were lost and wanted to swim with Haru again. And I get that professional swimming is entirely different than what they’re used to, but it really sucks that as soon as the competition got a little hard they decided to just drop free and only swim their preferred styles. That’s got to be a slap in the face to Haru, because what was all of that other stuff about? Like Rin wanted for YEARS for Haru to swim on the world stage and after the first race is like “you’re on your own.” He honestly deserves it to be honest even if Haru would’ve never said anything to protect their friendship he was clearly thinking or thought these thoughts. For a show where Haru is the mc we rarely get to see how he feels about things. I wish we can see the movie soon, cause I really wanna see how that whole sequence takes place.

⚠️ Talking about Free! Final Stroke spoilers below the cut ⚠️

It’s wild to me (it probably shouldn’t be surprising; idk) how even going off of just spoilers, there is a clear divide in the reactions people are having to Haru’s actions in the movie, especially in reference to the sudden shift leading up to the fight with Rin. I can see why people are surprised by it on a base level because so much of his successes in DttF, paired with the camaraderie everyone seems to have for a majority of the movie, leads you to believe Haru has emotionally matured and stabilized since high school, which is true! He’s more open to change and examining his emotions, especially as he starts to grapple with a high-stakes long-term goal for what feels like the first time. With that said, all of this can be true at the same time Haru is going through a steady breakdown that can/will likely lead to burnout. So many people who’ve been put through rigorous academic programs or career training or anything else equally as intensive can attest to the frustration of feeling like every few steps forward (gaining experiential knowledge, making connections, learning more about your identity in reference to x goal, etc) are followed by a step back (exhaustion, plateaus, expectations you can’t meet, mistakes spilling out when you can’t keep repressing the negatives in the name of “productivity”). Haru was able to make it this far because he has grown and started to heal some of the cracks in his support group, but the sheer amount of pressure makes it easier for him to break, and old wounds that never fully healed have time to fester.

I probably sound like a broken record in these movie-related posts when talking about Haru getting obsessed with becoming stronger and not knowing what to do with that fairly new and overwhelming drive. I can’t be mad at Haru completely for his choices here (can’t wait to be called a Haru apologist when the movie comes out in more places jfjdjd) because he partially fell victim to circumstance. This is one of the first times Haru takes the expectations of him being a “hero” or “prodigy” into consideration, and now he’s trying to navigate the expectations of success that come with those titles while not being sure 1) what exactly they are beyond winning, and 2) not being sure if they’re actually attainable for him. Along with that, he’s putting faith in Ryuuji’s instruction and guidance because he needs someone with any sort of credibility or experience with the pro circuit to show him how to get to the top. Even though from an outside standpoint it’s easier to discredit and reject Ryuuji’s assertion that everyone at the top has to give something up to get there, there are a number of reasons Haru reconsiders the notion with everything he’s seeing. He’s seeing his newest rivals reach crazy success and strength through isolation, and Ryuuji is dangling a golden opportunity in front of his face by going to Haru in the moments where he’s most vulnerable and saying “yes, that strength you crave is possible for you, but only if you pay this specific price for it.” Nobody should bear the weight of “saving” Haru from his circumstances (especially not his friends on their own journeys… Ryuuji and other mentors watching this trainwreck can eat my shorts tho), but dealing with this ultimatum while his core support group is pushing forward through their own challenges and/or busy in another country, I can’t be too surprised when he starts to overextend himself and burst at the seams.

As far as the blow-up with Rin, I won’t say it’s fully justified, but it’s understandable. The way Haru has had to make peace with his hardships with Ikuya and Rin has largely been by atoning for his own involvement in those rifts and trying to turn over a new leaf without expecting much in return. He took the opportunities of swimming with both of them again to replace any apologies on their parts and largely made peace with it. As much as it’s going to hurt to watch, I’m interested to see this fight play out because it sounds like it addresses a problem we bring up a lot in meta analyses posts: there needs to be more explicit conversations and apologies between characters, or the closure feels flimsy and temporary at best. This fight isn’t about closure (it’s about a lot of things both involving and excluding Rin, but I ranted about that in the other spoiler post) but it’s acknowledgement after all of this time that there’s still a need for it. Having Rin back in his life as a rival and friend has held the caveat in the back of his mind that Rin will leave his side again if Haru’s friendship/rivalry stops serving all of his interests. Haru’s ultimate fear of being abandoned by people, of people using him without understanding him and then throwing him aside for someone/something else, is drastically coming back to the surface in all of his stress. Rin and Ikuya choosing to continue their pro careers with strokes that better suit their strengths isn’t abandonment, just like Makoto choosing a university in Tokyo wasn’t, but Haru is so lost in his own stress and despair that he can’t see these choices as anything but personal attacks in the moment. These choices don’t have to do with Haru and we’re never meant to hurt him (which he comes to realize by the end of each fight), but the unresolved issues mixed with his fears make him explode.

It’s not a black and white situation where only one side is in the right, and I hope whatever resolution comes in the second movie acknowledges that. Rin didn’t deserve Haru’s taunting and wrath in that moment, but I do want him to reflect on the whole mess and recognize that Haru’s in a desperate place not unlike the one he was in when he first went to Australia and seemingly cut everyone off. I want them both to consider that avoiding airing out those insecurities because it’d be uncomfortable or embarrassing ultimately led them back here, unsure how to talk about changes and concerns without first having one of them explode or hit rock bottom. They can be friends outside of swimming, I’d want them to be friends outside of swimming, but I think Haru isn’t blind to how much of their connection is reliant on intrigue in the water, and a part of him is scared that Rin won’t have a reason to stick around if they aren’t rivaling each other in the same stroke anymore.

All of this can make for a great chance of resolution in the second movie, if done well. There’s opportunity for Haru to realize that the trajectory of dreams can change, and just like Rin changing his stroke or Makoto changing his training emphasis, you can honor the parts of the dream that first inspired you while finding a path that honors the person you’ve become. There’s opportunity for Haru to break from the dangerous echo chamber he’s currently in telling him he has to do this all alone in a few ways. Maybe he’ll have a moment where he’s like “I gave up everything and still couldn’t get stronger, so now I need to get back to finding what gives me strength personally.” Maybe he’ll have a moment where he’s like “if my only option is a path paved in loneliness, I need to find a new dream.” There are so many directions the story can go in at this point, and I’m excited to see what happens next (and maybe write about the paths they don’t choose lol).

#spoilers #final stroke spoilers #once again turning crumbs into a feast #I’ll get back to non-spoiler convos soon dw #the Haru brainrot is real though #thanks for sending!#anonymous

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thishumanspace · 2 years

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THE BEHAVIORS OF WORTHINESS

Recently I have been meditating on worthiness and my relationship to it. As of this morning, I know my experience with worthiness is not personal, but I have acknowledged the ways in which my worthiness slipped away over the last few decades.

So this past week, I asked myself questions about what the behaviors are associated with worthiness--so that I could include them in my TRUST rituals. My TRUST rituals involve a list of activities or tasks associated to my wellbeing that I unwaveringly accomplish every single day. I had realized that trust of others and feeling safe in Life require a look at trust within the self. And to be honest, I didn’t see where I had broken promises to myself over the years and I had to explore where I had absorbed that pattern.

I actually picked up the pattern of trust issues from my parents. Both of them letting promises go unfulfilled without emotionally intelligent explanation meant that I internalized my own opinion around what to expect (or not expect from others) and I had no idea how such seemingly little circumstances led to bigger hidden resentments that would develop into a variety of complications as an adult—including affecting my understanding of prosperity, love, and accountability.

Today I needed to integrate how I want to move forward to consciously (and practically) apply worthiness in my daily moments. I’m offering the thoughts here that came up for me; if it provides value to you, then that’s a gift to all of us:

[Understanding & Applying Worthiness]

-I believe I deserve wonderful things, so I associate and make choices involving wonderful things

-I allow myself to ask for help; I deserve assistance when needed. I realize not everything is meant to be done alone

-I offer myself a generous amount of Grace and loving kindness as I practice the courage of asking

-My gestures, conversations and thoughts are honorable toward myself and others

-I honor my wellbeing routines and specified time slots

-I honor all promises to myself—even the most subtle

-I accept all gifts and feel confident to give gifts because I honor my ability, mindfulness, and resourcefulness to give to others

-People who know themselves worthy, give because they see themselves as suitable for offering gifts/energy to themselves and to others

-I give myself the fulfillment of my inspired curiosities

-I offer the side effects of my life’s anecdotes to give others an opportunity to be seen, heard, felt, and understood as the Oneness that humanity expresses all its unique aspects

with lurve,

Crystal

#crystal parker #this human #truth #meditation olympics #higher self #understanding #trust

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mimipagemusic · 4 years

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An open letter to Lorin Ashton (Bassnectar) from Mimi Page: A call for true accountability, responsibility, and healing action on behalf of the music industry.

Dear Lorin,

You have willingly and openly invited healing on your part with anyone you have hurt in your past. While I am aware you are calling every past sexual partner you’ve had, you haven’t bothered to consider the trauma your actions have caused to your female colleagues. You haven’t reached out to me once. I am taking this opportunity to respond to your offer of healing by “calling you in” in this open letter. I am a relatively private person and would have preferred to call you and read my letter to you directly. The truth is, I don’t trust you. You have claimed to care about the healing of those you’ve harmed, but the recordings released prove that you manipulate and gaslight whoever confronts you. I privately confronted you about “Butterfly” back in 2016, so I’ve directly experienced your manipulative behavior. Because you have harmed so many people in your personal and professional life, my hope is that this open letter will bring forth clarity and healing to anyone who reads it. Healing to me, to you, to the young women you have sexually and emotionally abused, to the creative collaborators you have taken advantage of creatively and financially, to the professional team members you’ve betrayed and let down, and to the dedicated fan base you’ve mislead and abandoned.

While I am processing my own feelings of anger, confusion, and disgust, I am also writing you from a place of love. Tough love, that stands for healing, integrity, and transformative justice. Principles you claimed to stand for as a leader in the music industry. This situation is devastating on so many levels because you’ve also created a lot of good in this world. You have inspired millions of people and played a pivotal role in our culture. You’ve provided a platform for so many independent artists to be heard, myself included. I am forever grateful to you for that. But with the platform you helped me build, I am now speaking out on it. My hope is that deep inside your soul, you can listen, learn, and take accountability with an open heart. My own heart is broken, but it is also open. So with this open letter, I will address the evidence of both your “romantic” victims and my own negative experience with you, from my own perspective. If you can take true accountability and healing action with our best interests in mind instead of your own, then I believe you can still be a catalyst for the true change and healing we need in not only the music industry, but in our world.

My personal reasons for coming forward:

In response to your sexual abuse allegations, you have publicly denied “the rumors” yet claim to welcome responsibility and accountability. You have admitted to the possibility of hurting others, yet you have not clarified what pain you have actually caused. You have claimed your own romantic relationships were “positive, consensual, legal, and loving.” You have claimed you are an “ally of women” offering free therapy to “true survivors of sexual abuse.” As an action, you have chosen to step away from your musical career and abandon your non-profit organization without further clarity or closure with all of us. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at ages 5, 13, and 16, I have lived with the PTSD that comes with experiencing both Pedophilia and Ephebophilia. I have spent many years in therapy unpacking my own trauma, healing it, and learning what true sexual health is. As a “true survivor” responding to your statement, you have absolutely no right to define what a “true survivor” is. To do so gaslights the women coming forward about the abuse you inflicted, and manipulates the public into doubting their truth. This creates victim shaming and I won’t stand for that.

The legal definition of a child is ages 0-17. Rachel was 17 when you groomed and pursued your sexual relationship with her. The definition of Ephebophilia is an adult who is sexually attracted to adolescents between the ages of 15-19. Ephebophilia is not a sexual preference, it is a sexual perversion. While the argument stands that some teenagers welcome a relationship with an adult partner, many survivors realize they were psychologically damaged by that relationship once they mature in their mid 20s. Clarity and healing takes time, I speak from experience. There’s a reason that by law, teenagers are still considered children. While it’s completely healthy for teenagers to date other teenagers, they have no business being sexually groomed and manipulated by adults, especially those with power and influence. Ephebophilia has been glamorized and normalized in the music industry for generations and it needs to finally change. Countless rockstars like you have gotten away with this illegal and psychologically damaging activity with their underage fans. Many of them are still massively successful to this day. As an artist who has built your brand and activism on the principles of compassion, equality, and integrity, why are you grooming and dating your teenage fans? According to your victim Lauren’s statement, you explained why you don’t date women your own age. You told her you aren’t interested in older women because “they have too much baggage.” Lorin, it is men like you that create this “baggage” for women. And because of this, perhaps it is you who actually needs the therapy you are offering your victims. There is something very wrong with the way you view and interact with our world.

As a female artist and collaborator of yours for over 8 years, I wish I could speak up in defense of your character and your treatment of women through the reflection of own relationship and your treatment of me. I can not do this. While I hate seeing your career destroyed, I can’t help but honor the karma. I have carried your baggage for far too long. You have leveraged your power and your fame over me during every creative negotiation we have ever had. Always manipulating me into taking less of a writing percentage than my actual creative contribution because you claimed your platform, “the bassnectar factor” as you called it, would benefit me as a “smaller artist.” You hid behind a public mask of humility and activism when in private you lead with entitlement and greed. As a collaborator of yours, I am also a survivor of you. Not of your sexual abuse, but your psychological manipulation and financial abuse. You have taken advantage of my vulnerability and creativity since I was in my early 20s. You used your charm to manipulate me into thinking you cared about me while you stole my creative credit and royalties. You used your fame and influence to manipulate me into feeling grateful for the benefits I did receive from working with you, gaslighting my own reality and pain. You strategically belittled me creatively and financially in order to assert your dominance and control in ways where I was brainwashed into continuing to work with you. You have said some incredibly inappropriate and hurtful things to me over the years which negatively affected my self esteem to the degree that I almost quit music. Like so many others, I put you on a pedestal and looked up to you before I experienced your darkness. Even when I experienced your darkness, it was like I was under a spell. I have been conflicted for years and your name has been brought up in my own therapy sessions many times. You are a master manipulator, and I believe that is your greatest talent. In light of these allegations from both your victims and collaborators, so much becomes clear. The spell you cast not only on me, but the world, has been broken.

Your undeniable abuse towards women:

The evidence and statements being released by women who you say have been your “consensual, legal, and loving partners” provides contrary evidence to the innocence you claimed in your public statement. In an audio recording with Rachel, you verbally admit to her statutory rape when she was 17. She explains to you that at age 17, she “had no idea who she was.” She expressed that she was impressionable and that a relationship with someone your age with such an extreme power dynamic was beyond inappropriate for her. You validate this by agreeing with her and regretting your actions. You then offer to take accountability directly with her, but ask if that accountability means being “raped and beat up in a Tennessee jail.” This type of response to someone you’ve harmed is not called accountability, Lorin. This response is called gaslighting and manipulation, and it is equally abusive. It subliminally asks your victim to doubt the severity of her own experience and put your well being above her own.

In an email correspondence that Rachel shared during her senior year in high school, you congratulate her good grades on a school paper. You then request she spend 4-5 hours writing you an essay for your own pleasure. In a second email, you admit “she is overloaded with school work” but confess you are “so curious about what goes on outside of school in her social life.” You then tell her she “so rarely reaches out” and you “want to hear her voice.” Rachel wasn’t a groupie who pursued you as so many of your defenders claim. You groomed, pursued, and manipulated her. This isn’t the behavior of a mentor, a teacher, or a caring friend. You were an adult celebrity taking advantage of your teenage fan. This is called predatory behavior. You were a grown man in your mid 30s who chose to groom and sleep with an underage teenager, knowing full well how old she was at the time. In seeking the truth for myself, I spoke at great lengths with Rachel over the phone and heard her entire story. I also spoke to Lauren and have heard hers. While I was disgusted by the trauma you inflicted on these women, I was equally inspired by their grace, wisdom, and bravery to stand up to you.

Rachel (age 17), Lauren (age 21), and another young woman have claimed you put thousands of dollars in cash in their purses and backpacks after their sexual encounters with you. They all have clarified that they did not ask for this money, were surprised and confused by it, and had to hide it from their parents and friends as they were sworn to secrecy by you. According to them, you were paranoid and made them communicate with you through encrypted apps so that your communication was hidden. In Lauren’s public statement, she claims she was “sexually groomed and manipulated” by you as your fan. According to her story, she was hand selected via Instagram and won a meet and greet with you. After thanking you on Twitter, you provided her your private email and asked her to continue communicating with you. When telling you her age, you said you were “surprised” because she “looked younger than 21.” You then requested she travel alone to visit your home. When telling you she wanted to inform her parents so they knew where she was, your response was that her parents “had no business knowing the details of her personal life”. If she was to inform them of her travel, she was to lie about your identity and say she was “dating a teacher named Gabe.” While demanding her sexual exclusivity with you, you refused to be sexually exclusive with her. You also requested she consider you a “life coach” as you would help guide some of her “biggest decisions.” Some of your advice included informing her that “every man she would ever meet would only want to have sex with her and would do anything to get it.” You offered to “protect her” from this. This is not a loving relationship Lorin, this is a manipulative, controlling, and psychologically abusive relationship. There are many other women you have harmed who have privately come forward but are too afraid to publicly share their stories. Several of them have stated that they were under the age of 18 when they had sexual relations with you. The amount of young women you’ve harmed is mind blowing, and they are all your “true victims.” In order to take true accountability, you have to be willing to own up to your actions and take legal responsibility for what you have actually done.

Our professional relationship:

I’ve spent the past few days going through my own emails and memories with you, trying to find clarity and understanding of who you really are and how you could have harmed so many people in the ways that you have. While going back to my early correspondence with you, I was disturbed to find the same style of inappropriate communication with me. Our relationship has always remained professional and I’ve considered you more of a dysfunctional “big brother” type throughout the years. An email you sent me back in 2012 reminded me that this wasn’t always the case. I had completely blocked out this email because it made me feel so uncomfortable at the time. I now remember that I chose to shelve this away in my psyche because I was conflicted with how excited I was to get the chance to work with you.

(Email Context: I had just sent you my vocal hook for our song “Butterfly")

As a female artist who has endured the gender inequality in this industry, I am used to putting my head down and tolerating inappropriate jokes and conversations with men as long as it never escalated to a place where I felt unsafe. Fortunately our collaboration was remote, and I was in the safety of my own home studio when I read this. Your email response to my creativity was not only disrespectful, it was completely inappropriate. It’s alarming you felt entitled to speak to me in this way, being that I was a professional collaborator and I barely knew you at the time. I responded to your email with a “haha thank you” but I wasn’t laughing. I was extremely uncomfortable and afraid to tell you how I felt because of your power and celebrity. I wanted to work with you and was afraid I would jeopardize that so I put the opportunity to work with you above my own comfort. I regret doing this. I am only sharing this email now as it corroborates the evidence of your language and inappropriate communication with the other women who have come forward and shared their own email correspondence with you. They are being attacked and doubted for sharing their truth, and I won’t stand for that. I’ve spent the majority of my time these past few weeks processing this horrific situation. I’ve had a lot of tears and a lot of sleepless nights, as I know so many others have. In the process, I had an epiphany. Your email of wanting to “fuck my voice” was actually a metaphor, foreshadowing our future dynamic as collaborators. You did end up “fucking my voice,” not as an artist but as a human being. While my voice in our collaborations soared throughout stadiums and radio stations around the world, my actual voice was silenced.

In 2012 when we negotiated our splits for “Butterfly”, you manipulated me into believing that music didn’t make money anymore because of music piracy. As a young artist that was new to the industry, you told me that touring was the main source of income for artists, and buying me out of 100% of my share of the master royalties of “Butterfly” would be in my best interest. I spent 3 months alone in my apartment writing and creating “Butterfly” for you. Your offer was to pay me $1,000 for each month I worked on the song. You convinced me that because music didn’t make money, "Butterfly” may make nothing. A $3,000 buyout would ensure that I would be protected and taken care of financially. I had requested an equal split of the writing and publishing of “Butterfly” because I had clearly created the majority of the song. You took that opportunity to lecture me on what “equal” actually was working with an artist of your caliber. That because of your administrative fees and expenses due to your platform, a 50/50 split of writing and publishing wasn’t fair to you. Regardless of my creative contribution, 33% was the number I actually deserved. As the main composer and co-producer of our song, you knew I wrote and created the majority of the creative content in “Butterfly.” Not only did I write and perform the vocals and piano, I composed, produced, and sound-designed the synths and ethereal pads. You never gave me credit for this. Not in the liner notes, and not in the press. You took full credit of the production of our song, allowing me to be viewed as a vocal feature with a piano performance. When your album Vava Voom came out, I saw that every male producer who collaborated with you had an “and” producer credit. I was young and naive at the time, I didn’t know what a producer credit was and you knew this. As a self-proclaimed feminist and someone promising to protect me in this industry, you knew better. You should have done better.

Watching our song "Butterfly” find it’s wings was a dream, but also a complete nightmare. It became the staple of your live show, to the degree that Butterfly confetti fell from the sky. I had fans tattoo butterflies and my song lyrics on their bodies. “Butterfly” was ranked the #4 best song of your entire catalog by Billboard. It was in rotation in terrestrial and satellite radio, licensed to network TV shows, films and video games, and was even featured in an art instillation at the Disney museum. While I did get my 33% cut of my writing and publishing, I watched you absorb 100% of every sale and stream. I saw how many sales “Butterfly” sold in the mechanical royalty statements from Amorphous Music, your own record label. That small $3,000 “buyout” you gave me under the pretense you were “helping me” covered 2 months of my rent. Had you given me an equal share of my writing and publishing and literally any percentage of the master royalty of “Butterfly”, it would have drastically changed my life. Had you given me the creative credit I deserved on our song, doors would have been a lot easier for me to open as a female producer and composer in this male dominated industry. I continued to work with you over the years because I was brainwashed into believing this was how the music industry worked. I was brainwashed into feeling “grateful” for the opportunities I received and the success I did generate from your platform. I convinced myself that I was less than you, and I had to pay my dues like everyone else in order to earn my worth as your creative equal. This equality never came. While I continued to fight for a small share of my writing and publishing on every song we did, you still refused to offer me a percentage of the master royalty. To this day you still collect 100% of the master royalties on every one of our collaborations.

I tried justifying our creative dynamic by your invitations to perform live with you. While it was only 3 times, those performances were, and will forever be, some of the most beautiful and magical moments of my life. What was odd to me was the way you financially treated me when I performed live with you. At Lighting in a Bottle I performed for free and got changed in a port-o-potty. After my performance you thanked me and handed me a bottle of wine as compensation. At Red Rocks and Bridgestone Arena you offered me $1,000 as an appearance fee. A fee that I had to deduct the airfare of my manager, my wardrobe, and all my food and traveling expenses from. I’m not sure how much income you take home after each one of your sold-out stadium shows, but I’m sure you could have afforded to treat me a little better. At the end of the day, I actually ended up paying out of my own pocket to perform with you. With what’s come to light, I now understand that you’ve had huge expenses paying out thousands of dollars to these young women, several underage, with the hopes of buying their silence and loyalty. As your female collaborator, I can verify that you are no feminist. You are a hypocrite, and the way you have treated me as an artist is absolutely disgusting.

In 2016 I was unaware of the extent of your corruption behind the scenes, but I found the courage to confront you about my own situation. I texted you that I was uncomfortable about our business dynamic with “Butterfly” and we hopped on a call to discuss it. We had a long conversation about my feelings, and you validated my belief that you were wrong and that you should have given me producer credit. You agreed that my deal wasn’t fair and said that you wanted to make it up to me. While I was grateful for this, the end of our conversation ended up haunting me for years. When talking about “fairness,” you lectured me on the difference between us as artists. You told me that if I were to release a song of ours by myself, that it wouldn’t sell nearly as many copies as it would if you released it. That your “Bassnectar factor” was the reason for the success of Butterfly, not the creative content of the song. I agreed that you clearly had the bigger platform, but argued that my creative contribution to your art not only rewarded you financially, it helped define your brand in a new way. That the majority of your music is intense and aggressive, and my feminine, ethereal, and peaceful aesthetic helped diversify your musical catalog. I opened up and told you that if you had treated me equally and hadn’t taken 100% of my master royalty, my life would look very different because of the success of our song. That I have bills to pay just like any other person, and that my husband also battles multiple sclerosis which is a hardship we privately face. Your response to me was cold, and cruel. You told me that the music business is really hard. That many of your friends are extremely talented like me, and that you tell them all the same thing. That if it’s too hard for me to keep going financially in this business, that I pursue music as a hobby and find something else for work. Even so, you would find a way to make “Butterfly” up to me. You would get with your team and figure out a way to make me “happy.” Lorin, I can’t tell you how painful this conversation was, it crushed my soul. Writing one of my favorite songs with you and watching it receive commercial success while you took 100% of my royalties was one trauma. Seeing my worth through your eyes was another, it damaged my self-esteem. For a while, I did contemplate quitting music. If it weren’t for the love and support of my family, friends, fanbase, and my own inner work in therapy, I probably would have quit music.

A week later you got back to me after discussing my request with your team. You indicated that you couldn’t renegotiate the terms of Butterfly, that the deal of that song was over and done with. What you did offer was a deal for a new song. This song would be credited as “Bassnectar and Mimi Page” so I would receive a producer credit. I would also receive 25% of my royalties across the board. I asked you why I wouldn’t receive 50% if I actually write an equal share, or even 33% like you offered me in Butterfly. You refused to negotiate and stated that’s the offer that was on the table. You then sweetened the deal by offering me an advance of $10,000 of this song, with no deadline to create it. At the time I not only needed the money, I foolishly believed that you actually wanted to create another song with me. Over the past 5 years I’ve sent you so many creative ideas for this song, and your response to me has always been the same. You were “too busy" to work with me. The only song we created together since then was “Was Will Be,” a last minute topline request with another small publishing cut and no master royalty. As always, this collaboration was attached with more empty promises to write our “actual song” with no followthrough. With what’s come to light in the accusations against you, it’s alarming to see where so much of your time has actually gone. Like your female victims, I can’t help but look at that $10k you gave me as hush money for my own silence against the issues I confronted you with. Watching other legal cases appear by other artists over the years brought me a lot of clarity on how you’ve been taking advantage of not only me, but other artists this entire time. I never spoke out publicly about my dynamic with you because I valued the peace and healing of the fans who enjoyed our collaborations. Now that you have destroyed not only your reputation but the trust and peace of your community, I am choosing to share my story now. Not just on behalf of me, but all the artists you have taken advantage of and ripped off throughout your career. There are so many.

After speaking with several of your victims, I’ve been horrified to learn that “Butterfly” was the song that lead many of them to the actual discovery of you as an artist. That the beautiful and euphoric qualities of “Butterfly” didn’t only function as a catalyst for peace and healing like I intended. Many of these women were mislead into believing those gentle, peaceful, and ethereal vibrations actually came from you because you took full credit for the song. My most grotesque epiphany of all, is that you never did care about me or actually value my talent and wellbeing as an artist. Instead, you used my artistry as bait for the facade you projected to the world, ultimately luring more young women to you. As a survivor of sexual abuse, music has always been my saving grace and escape from the horrors of my own reality. I can’t tell you how traumatizing it is for me to be associated with you after realizing what you’ve done. I am deeply disturbed and depressed in regards to our creative relationship. I am grateful that our songs have brought peace and healing to so many, and I will forever stand by the love and light that I personally contributed to it. I won’t let you take that away from me. Had you lived your life with the actual care and integrity that you claimed to lead with, we could have created so many more beautiful songs together. Instead, you chose the darker path and in the process, took advantage of my talent, my time, and my respect for you.

Our last and final collaboration was on your new album “All Colors,” and this was the final straw for me ever working with you again. During a pandemic that is killing people, destroying our economy, and shutting down our industry, you sent me an email “checking in”. Like always, your emails have tons of smiley faces indicating you “love me.” You reminded me that we “still need to do our song” but asked for a “little favor” on your new album. You wanted me to replace a vocal sample of another girl singing “dreaming of you.” No writing, no harmonies, no creative contribution, not even the consideration of me knowing what I was contributing to as you wouldn’t let me listen to the song. Just “a little favor” of singing and recording for you, for free. I almost said no, and I wish I had. The only reason I didn’t, was because you had just offered me a spot to perform my own acoustic set on the main stage at your festival Deja Voom. A gesture that shocked me and actually meant a lot to me. After years of you blowing me off creatively and taking advantage of me financially, that was a gesture that felt like it validated my worth to you. I will humbly admit that deep down, I have always wanted you to care about my art and creativity. So, like always, I did the mental gymnastics in my head and justified the reasons why I should do your little favor and I did it. I did it against the wishes of my own manager and attorney, that’s how strong your influence has been over me. After I sent you my vocal file, I also took the opportunity to tell you that we experienced a food shortage during this pandemic and I learned how to garden in hopes that I could feed not only myself, but my neighbors. This must have struck a chord, because you changed your mind about asking me for free work and you sent me this email:

It’s almost August and I’ve yet to receive your $250 for pumpkin seeds. In regards to my creative contribution on your new album, I found my vocal sample on the end track you called “Optimism.” I wasn’t credited as a featured vocalist, and I checked the liner notes and there was no reference that I even sang on the song. After 8 years of working together, you didn’t even give me a shoutout on social media, telling our mutual fans about my contribution being that they loved our past collaborations so much. After all these years, and the massive amount of income you have earned off the back of my own creativity, this is what you have reduced my talent to. During the horrific times we are living in, your expectation of an independent artist giving you free work is absolutely despicable, and $250 for pumpkin seeds is ridiculous. It is clear the amount of healing I have needed to do in regards to reclaiming my self esteem. I am saddened by the dynamic I allowed myself to participate in with you for so many years. I have been battling a lot of shame for this. Thanks to several of your colleagues who have experienced similar dynamics with you, I have found a lot of healing. I am saddened to see this is a trend with so many of your collaborators, but I’m also grateful to be in their company as we all try to find the light in this darkness. I am now shifting my perspective and looking at all of us as hard workers who believed in the original vision you claimed to have for humanity. We took your creative and financial abuse because we are all trying to survive in this dark and difficult industry and shine our light within it. One day I hope the industry changes, and hopefully this entire situation will be a catalyst for it in some sort of way.

It is painful, but also healing to write this letter to you. I feel like a giant weight is being lifted from my soul. It is healing to see corruption being outed on a mass scale in our society, and ironic that you were one of those activists that spent so much time outing that corruption. For years you’ve used Twitter as a platform to call out the corruption of political leaders. Now that you are the subject of your own corruption, you’ve gone silent and disappeared. I will remind you we are experiencing a pandemic and the state of the world is in a very dark and fragile place. Your fans no longer have a safe space to turn to and this hurts their mental health. A lot of your fans are getting bullied for following you, having your tattoos, and being a part of your community. While you take your millions and “go off the grid” I won’t stand for your hypocrisy. I have received over a hundred emails from fans expressing their own private traumas and being survivors of sexual abuse themselves. How damaging it has been to discover they have been mislead by you all these years. You have accumulated your wealth and lifestyle from the money and dedicated support of your fanbase. You have built the diversity of your brand off the backs of collaborators like me, Dylan, and so many others. You owe us way more than an apology. The time you have spent manipulating and abusing your teenage fans could have been better spent creating with the artists who have contributed so much to you and your community. How you’ve treated Dylan (ill-Gates), an artist who inspired and nurtured your own talent, is utterly repulsive. The sad reality is, your behavior isn’t just a reflection of the darkness within your own psyche, it’s a reflection of the power-hungry, abusive, and narcissistic behavior in the music industry. We need a deep healing and change in perception with the ways business is run inside the music industry. We need a safer space for artists to create and fans to experience our art. Music is sacred, it brings healing and unity to our world. We need to make an example of the mess you have created and transmute it for positive change.

As you walk away from your musical career, you also walk away with not only my royalties, but all your collaborators royalties as your future financial stream. I wouldn’t label your career cancellation as “unemployment,” I would label any future income as theft from those of us you collect from. As a collaborator of multiple songs, the only control I have to help save the integrity of my songs and heal this community is a promise to donate my own small writing and publishing percentages to non-profits that support sexual abuse survivors. After learning that you have spent thousands of dollars to silence your own victims, you need to rectify this behavior with all of us. You manipulated our bad business deals by using your fame to convince us the “exposure” we would receive would benefit us. While it did in the past, it is now traumatizing us. As a survivor of sexual abuse and an actual ally of women, I find it unacceptable for you to have committed criminal behavior with my royalties being a source of your income. I don’t find it acceptable that you continue generating any future income from my creativity moving forward. I want my royalties back and I want to use my royalties for goodness. I’d love to partner with a non-profit or even start my own with the royalties you’ve taken from me and will continue to take from me. I’d love to incorporate your past collaborators, ambassadors, and fans in whatever healing endeavors I pursue from these royalties. My goal would be to focus on sound healing and meditation for survivors of sexual abuse and use the symbol of the Butterfly as the emblem. This would redefine my song and represent that we actually transformed some of this darkness into beauty. This is one idea I have of how you can take accountability and healing action directly with me, on behalf of everyone in your community.

The abusive dynamics in the music industry have existed for far too long, we can use this experience to help stop it. While you were a part of this problem, I hold space for your healing and redemption. You can take true accountability for your actions and use this experience as a catalyst for massive change. The only way we can create actual change in this world is by living by example and being the change we need to see. Lorin, please step up. Stand in your integrity and take true responsibility and accountability for your actions no matter what the cost to you. At the times you caused harm to others, you didn’t consider the cost to them. Own up now to what you did, publicly admit it, and take the healing actions required to make true amends. Use your wealth and platform for the goodness you originally intended, it’s not too late.

Sincerely,

Mimi Page

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letterboxd · 3 years

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Heart Beat.

Minari’s film composer Emile Mosseri (also responsible for the Kajillionaire and The Last Black Man in San Francisco scores) tells Ella Kemp about his A24 favorites, Nicholas Britell’s friendship and the boldest Paul McCartney needle drop in movie history.

What do you think a broken heart sounds like? How about a warm, beating one? It’s something that Emile Mosseri has been thinking about for a while now. The past two years have seen him complete a hat-trick of beguiling, transporting scores for Plan B movies: Joe Talbot and Jimmie Fails’ The Last Black Man in San Francisco, Miranda July’s Kajillionaire and now, the film voted the best of 2020 by our community, Lee Isaac Chung’s Minari.

What binds these scores together is a delicacy that knows when to break free and turn into something altogether spectacular. But on Minari in particular, Mosseri is in full bloom, working for the first time in a way he’d always dreamed about. While The Last Black Man in San Francisco saw him compose to a loose edit, and on Kajillionaire he worked to a locked cut, Chung gave him the freedom to write music directly to Minari’s script. “It was a dream to work this way on Minari,” Mosseri says. “It was so beautifully written and so visceral.”

‘Minari’ composer Emile Mosseri.

Minari is an intimate portrait of a Korean family making their way in rural America, and the composer was interested in “trying to figure out musically how you can feel connected to your deepest childhood memories”. These memories belong, in the film, to David—a tiny king played by eight-year-old Alan Kim—as he comes to terms with his new life on a small farm in Arkansas, as his family strives for their own version of the American Dream.

The Yi family is made up of David and his sister Anne (Noel Kate Cho), their parents Monica (Han Ye-ri) and Jacob (Steven Yeun) and their grandmother, Soon-ja (Youn Yuh-jung). It’s a personal story for Chung, one that Mosseri felt honored to be a part of. “It’s a very intimate story with these five characters, which takes place mostly in this small mobile home—but emotionally, it’s very epic.”

There was something about Chung that had caught Mosseri’s attention early on. “I had met him at the LA premiere of Last Black Man,” Mosseri says, “and I sent him the Kajillionaire score.” Mosseri was already familiar with the filmmaker’s work: “His first film, Munyurangabo, is incredible.” He calls Chung “very open, but also sly” in terms of hitting the right notes and “gently steering the ship”. The partnership between composer and director was about working on “a more emotional level,” Mosseri says. “There was never any talk about what we wanted stylistically.”

The ‘Minari’ ensemble cast.

The result is a film graced with music at once lush and raw, grandiose and vulnerable. Mosseri is keenly aware of these nuances, and always made sure to walk the tonal tightrope in the writing process. “There aren’t sad cues and hopeful cues,” he explains. “Every cue has both feelings. Each musical moment dips in and out of the hopefulness and joy of a family, and then the pain and frustration and dissonance that they hold.”

The way Mosseri’s music swells and flows often feels intangible, magical, even—which comes more from knowing what to avoid, rather than acting with too much forced intention. On his first film, Mosseri brought brass and strings to the streets of San Francisco, and with Miranda July, he worked old Hollywood glamor into the concrete blocks of Los Angeles. Here, we twirl through the tall grass as gentle acoustic guitars and elegant string sections sigh and sway, while the Yi family work through their growing pains.

“We didn’t want to hear Korean music when you see Korean characters, and we didn’t want twangy music when you see an American farm,” Mosseri explains. “We wanted to come at it from the side somehow, in some way that’s unexpected.” ‘Rain’, his collaboration with Minari star Han Ye-ri, which features on the official soundtrack, encapsulates this juxtaposition. It’s an epic lullaby of sorts; Han sings in Korean to a gentle guitar; a pleasing swell of synths climbs alongside her voice. The effect on the listener is as if liquid love is trickling from every vein. “I wanted this score to feel like it had a warm, beating heart.”

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Two of your three feature films to date have been released by A24, and so we must ask: what are your favorite A24 film scores? Emile Mosseri: Three come to mind. First of all, Anna Meredith’s score for Eighth Grade. It’s so adventurous and unexpected and fresh and just brilliant. It’s so pure and out-there. It also does this impossible thing of being hip and exciting and deep, but also hilarious. The pool-party scene fucking kills me.

Then there’s Under the Skin by Mica Levi. I remember seeing that at the Nighthawk theater in Brooklyn and feeling like it was the best score I’d heard in as long as I could remember.

And then of course, Moonlight. That film got under my skin in a way I didn’t see coming. I saw it by myself in a theater, after hearing all the hype for months and months. When a movie has that much hype you can get a bit cynical and it can distract you, so I went in a bit guarded, but I left the film destroyed. For weeks and weeks it resonated with me in a way that was so profound, and a large part of that is due to Nick [Britell]’s music. And the film is just perfection.

Scarlett Johansson in ‘Under the Skin’ (2013), scored by Mica Levi.

You’ve been described as Nicholas Britell’s protégé more than once… It’s funny, I think that came from me being a fan of his and saying nice things about his music. I met him at Sundance two years ago when Last Black Man was premiering. I went with my wife and my brother and I was so excited, I’d been waiting for this moment for so long. We walked in and Nick and Barry [Jenkins] were walking in behind [us]. And there was also Boots Riley, Kamasi Washington… all these people I looked up to. I hadn’t considered that I would see this film in the room with them, and it was the first time I was hearing the final mix and just agonizing.

Nick was incredibly generous and said great things about the score and was super encouraging, and he became a friend and mentor. But I’ve never studied with him or worked with him. Although, if you’re a fan of somebody’s work, you’re a student of any of these composers that you admire. Anything you watch and listen to, you absorb.

What was the first film that made you want to be a composer? It was Edward Scissorhands. Danny Elfman’s score was the first one that made me realize that this was a job. I’m always attracted to big, romantic melodies, and over-the-top sweeping stuff—but done tastefully. In that score, he sets the high-water mark for me. It’s so unapologetically romantic.

And then there are other obvious ones like The Godfather. It’s maybe a dorky choice because it’s the most famous movie ever, but it really is the best. And that got me into Nino Rota, and from there I found [Federico] Fellini and all these movies through Nino, the composer. And then I got really into the score for La Dolce Vita and more movies that he’d written for, which are so beautiful.

The ‘Edward Scissorhands’ (1990) score was an early inspiration for Mosseri.

Which films, new to you, blew you away in 2020? Take Shelter by Jeff Nichols blew me away. It unfolded in a way that was intoxicating and really exciting, and it just really stuck with me.

What’s been your favorite needle drop on screen this year? Aside from Devonté Hynes’ score being stunning, there’s an amazing piece of music placed in an episode of Luca Guadagnino’s We Are Who We Are. They use a Paul McCartney song called ‘Let Em In’, and they dropped it in this incredibly tasteful but unexpected way, in a really dark, emotionally loaded scene. It worked in such a beautiful and graceful way. It’s because it’s the most cheery McCartney, it’s full-blown upbeat and poppy McCartney. And this is the darkest-of-the-dark human pain, and it lands in this way that is such a bold choice, such a powerful move.

What should people listen to after watching Minari? One record I’ve been listening to a lot recently is Jeff Tweedy’s Love is the King. It could be a good companion to Minari. I’m a huge fan of his and it’s a gorgeous record. It’s very stripped-down and emotionally raw, and it’s both hopeful and heartbreaking.

Which filmmakers would you love to work with next? I’m always afraid to answer this question because there are so many filmmakers I admire. There are filmmakers I grew up with loving their films—working with Miranda was that for me. Spike Jonze or Yorgos Lanthimos are directors in her world that I also love and would love to work with. But there’s so many others. Derek Cianfrance is amazing and he works with different composers. I love his choice of collaborators musically. I love that he used the late great Harold Budd to do his shows [including I Know This Much is True], and then Mike Patton, and Grizzly Bear… the music is always incredible in his projects, but he doesn’t have a go-to person. His films are so heartbreaking and powerful and really, really raw. He’s fearless.

I feel very lucky that I’ve worked on these three films which are all very much like somebody’s ripping their heart out and putting it on the screen. I feel like Derek Cianfrance does that in his films too, in this unapologetic, super-vulnerable way of just ripping his soul out and putting it out for everyone to see. It’s incredibly appealing to find those projects, because they’re really rare.