hot take (lol) but I think Gus, Matt, and even Darius being seen as gay/mlm and even asexual or aromantic (or both! aroace rights!) makes more sense than Hunter being seen that way

The Usual Shows I am Watching List

For the next week or so at least (obviously, I am unlikely to watch every single one on the list, but they are all in the running; it’s like a preview for posts I am likely to make).

The Abyss (Korea) - I am a few eps behind and, frankly, the drama about two dead people brought back into different bodies, hunting a serial killer and finding love, should be more engaging and smarter than it is, but it’s a pleasant easy watch and I am very fond of the two leads.

Angel’s Last Mission (Korea) - I am only two eps in, but the gorgeous intensity reminds me of old-school kdrama melos that I love so much. A bitter blind ballerina and an angel who is supposed to help her find love but falls for her instead is probably doomed for disaster in terms of happy ending, but I will be eating up all the pain!

Arthdal Chronicles (Korea) - grim (but not too grim) cool and otherwordly fantasy. I still don’t care for any characters, but the drama itself is great to watch.

Cage of Love (China) - surprisingly, not a BDSM tale. Hawick Lau wears amazing outfits and seeks revenge while trying to clear himself from being framed on a regular basis and dealing with heroine who sometimes loves him and sometimes thinks he is the resident serial killer. I started it years ago and now feel like continuing.

The Crowned Clown (Korea) - I need a sageuk in my life and watching Yeo Jin Gu in the pretty inferior Absolute Boyfriend made me remember how impressed I was by him playing both a psycho king and a sweet acrobat doppleganger who replaces him, so I restarted it.

Good Omens (UK) - loved the book when I read it a gazillion years ago and the first ep was good!

Heart of Stone/Hua Jai Sila (Thailand) - basically a 1980s romance crack about a pimp who comes back for revenge on his stepmom and falls for his childhood friend, this is insane! But addictive! Also make-outs!

Here to Heart (China) - it’s on my list and I may or may not get to it. I like the angsty premise and credits (they used to be lovers until she broke his heart in what I am sure is either a misunderstanding or noble idiocy), now he is mega rich and she is hired as his assistant, but Zhang Han has never clicked with me for some reason. He’s good-looking, he’s an OK actor, but for whatever reason he just doesn’t have that “it” for me. Maybe this drama will change that. 

Just Between Lovers (Korea) - when it was airing and people were falling madly in love with it, I was in a kdrama slump that no kdrama could cure. But now - oh, this is so achingly, perfectly, emotionally gorgeous. Only one ep in, but I already know this will be a keeper.

Kimse Bilmez (Turkey) - the one Turkish entry on this list! Starts on Tuesday, promises angst, women in danger, macho traditional men who defend them blah blah blah. As a modern feminist, I should probably be appalled, but I like what I like and gimme gimme gimme!

Le Coup de Foudre (China) - I just want to see the aristocrat daughter and the hot constable from An Oriental Odyssey be an OTP, all right?

Legend of Fuyao (China) - am on ep 22 I think. It’s pretty and shippy and I won’t stay awake freaking out about characters or plot twists, but watching Ethan Ruan worship the ground Yang Mi walks on never gets old.

Legend of the Phoenix (China)  - on ep 4! Get subbed quicker for my sanity, pls. Love story, scheming courtiers, angst, period costumes. What more does a girl need? Jeremy Tsui looking scrumptious, apparently.

The Legends (China) - finally hit ep 20! I like it and it’s a relaxing, fun, cute watch. Though if Zhao Yao figures out Demon Boy likes her before at least a dozen eps pass, despite him doing everything but carving “I love Zhao Yao” into his chest, I would faint from shock.

Letting You Float Like a Dream (China) - I am excited Young Lord from Minglan gets to be the hero of his own story and get the girl he wants (even if he has to reincarnate a couple of times first), plus look cool in 1930s duds. This is very much my thing.

Likit Ruk/The Crown Princess (Thailand) - sometimes a lady just wants to watch a good, old-fashioned princess x bodyguard romance, especially when said princess and bodyguard are hot enough to set the Chao Praya river on fire.

Listening Snow Tower (China) - on ep 38 now. Gorgeous visuals, awesome fights, and the Victorian duality of the chaste and almost unspoken but frighteningly intense romance is so my jam. But if they kill the hero, I will riot. Let him and Lady Badass wuxia into sunset together, pls. 

My Absolute Boyfriend (Korea) - I am all up to date with this one. Which is weird because I am not up to date on other dramas I like more. This is a giant meh emotionally, and wastes some really good actors, but it is so good-naturedly unoffensive, I can’t even complain. Still, perhaps the story of a lady buying a lovebot should have stayed solely in manga form because I’ve never seen an amazing adaptation of it.

Pretty Man (China) - I liked the first ep, and you have no idea how rare it is for me to say that about a contemporary cdrama. Childhood loves who find second chances yes pls.

Princess Silver (China) - Yuu Watase, is that you? Did you write this? Cracky, not too serious, but seriously addictive, this is a chocolate bon bon in drama form. PS Pls cure the prince of his touch phobia through LOTS of skinship, princess!

Siege in Fog (China) - romantic dysfunction reigns supreme, even more so than gorgeous 1930s outfits and people. Elvis Han and Sun Yi boil my blood in amazingly pleasant ways as two people in a marriage of inconvenience, where he pines for her but won’t show it and she loves another, until she wakes up and realizes that HELLO IT’S SEX ON LEGS ELVIS, I NEED TO GET SOME OF THAT! And the civil war says, “not so fast!”

Too Late To Say I Love You (China) - I started it years ago when it was not fully subbed and loved it because in my secret heart-of-hearts, I too want a mega hot warlord who looks like Wallace Chung and has stylish 1930s cars and a private army to sweep me off my feet and obsess over me in an unhealthy but hormonally incredible fashion as if I am the only woman in the world. SiF reminded me of this so here we are. 

Tried and dropped:

The Plough Department of Song Dynasty (China) - watched one episode, felt my brain leaking out of my ears and bailed. Granted, I watch plenty of dumb stuff so far be it from me to act high and mighty about a bit of brainless fun, but I don’t like mysteries, there was no angst, and I couldn’t care less if all the characters fell into a giant pit, so here we go...

Well Intended Love (China) - people didn’t like it because the male lead was a sociopath. I didn’t like it because it was cutesy and boring and nobody in it  bothered to act (or couldn’t.) I bailed long before the dysfunction, that’s how bored I was. 

Winter Begonia recap episode 22

The beginning of the episode is a recap of the last episode, where XIao Zhouzi begs Shang Lao Ba to take him away from Si Xi’er and Er Ye promising to save him from the clutches of that old bish.  They shooed away by the skittish guide.  Outside, Shang Lao Ba asks Er Ye to confirm whether he will help out find a way to get the young talented singer out of his ongoing nightmare.  He discuss how abused the young singer is by his master, who is keeping him from performing and forcing him to do hard labor. The skittish guide takes his leave, but not before Er Ye buys off his silence.  LOL, Shang Lao Ba’s face.

OMG its MY QUEEN.  She is engaged in a fierce gunfight and I doubt it is with that stuttering Gu. One of her men falls, hit by the bullets and confirm my suspicions.  He claims the opposite side is not from the common army.  He urges her to leave since she is pregnant.  Awww, my queen is crying.  She is loyal and fierce.  MAH GIRL. As she wipes her tears, she states with resolve in her face they will fall back while searching for a solution.  We see what appears to be soldiers shooting at them as she escapes.  Hmmm could they be from a private army?  It is night and she is lurking near some kind of base ready to break into like a boss, but is stopped by a coming car.  She smirks as she realizes the golden opportunity to hide under the truck. OHHH, looks here!  Her hub hub, Cao Jr. listening to a report from adjutant Sun about Nanjing mobilizing a separate battalion of two hundreds to come to Beijing for some kind of economic and social order.  LOL, what?This is what you waste your time on instead of protecting the country against potential invaders? Cao Jr is not quite impressed by this news and asks who is the commander.  Sun tells him it’s Liu Hanyun, our penguin’s godfather. Hmmm..Oh, so we learn that Liu Hanyun has defeated many bandit groups and wheels start turning inside my head.  Could he be responsible for the attack on Gu Dali’s group? Oh, our hub hub is asking Sun if Laozi Mountain has been hit.  Unfortunately, Sun is a bit lost by the question, prompting the hub hub to dismiss him. While he paces, worried about the whereabouts of his mountain queen, she barges inside his room ready to pounce on him.  LOL, is he running away from her?  BWAHAHA, I cannot! He asks how she got inside his compound and she is like, why are you asking. He asks why she is bloody and she accuses him of being the cause of her current state.  As she is about to stab him, he blocks her hand and asks if Laozi Mountain is really in trouble, which stuns her.

A couple of very cute boys are practicing their poses while Zhouzi is singing for Si Xi’er. Oh these cute boys are as petty as their master, no likey. Geezus xrist, there is only young good looking troupe members, smh. Si Xi seems dissatisfied by what he hears and asks the young singer to sing again.  He does and Si Xi claims his vocals sound annoying.  As he is about to beat him with that wooden sword, someone calls out for him.  He tells Zhouzi he should practice more if he ever wants a chance to sing on stage, which I doubt he will ever let him do so, and sends him back to the courtyard to do some more hard work.  

At the freight agency office, Fan Lian barges in at the same moment Manager Ma is giving CFT a report of the business. He tells CFT that Si Xi is too sly for him, having uncovered Fan Lian ruse to send his people and pose as wealthy patrons interested in borrowing some of his performers.  Instead of putting his best performers, he chose the tone deaf and ugly ones.  LOL. His men were too afraid to make it obvious they were there for Zhouzi, especially as Si Xi claimed he was selling out any one for private performances.  In order to get Zhouzi out, they are going to have find another way, like a complete strange with no connection to the opera circe, since Si Xi will sniff them out.  CFT is afraid that Si Xi may get wind of Shang Lao Ba’s interest for Zhouzi and kill him before they have a chance to snatch him. Fan Lian wonders who would qualify for that role of being a wealthy loafer who could easily host an opera performance without raising suspicion.  LOL, Fan Lian would have fit the bill if he was not linked to Shuiyin. He suggest that CFT goes to the Chamber of Commerce, which I have to admit is a good idea, but unfortunately it is shut down as CFT informs him that none of those members would agree to help his foreign sexy ass.  Right at this moment, Cao Jr and another guest are announced.  

It turns out the other guest is the fierce mountain Queen who is ready to pounce on Cao Jr, angry that he is telling her to stay put instead of seeking revenge immediately.  Our lonely warrior is looking mighty fine in a gray western clothing, I would also be pouncing on him if I was Gu Dali.  He promises to seek revenge but he wants to do carefully since his opponent is a government official.  She pushes him away clearly unhappy with his inaction.  He turns to CFT hoping he could mediate between the two, but CFT seems lost somewhere, lol, hopefully thinking of his penguin. LOL. Cao Jr asks him to seek a safe place for his mountain queen, which befuddles CFT.  He asks why isn’t she staying in his military base, since she is such a soft butch (and looking good as one).  Cao Jr drops the mini bomb on CFT, informing him that he is going to be a papa.  CFT is stumped by the news and then burst into a giggle.  I laugh along with him at how prodigious our lonely warrior was.  He congratulates him with a thumbs up for getting it at the first shot while our Amazonian and lonely warrior looks at him like he was cray cray.  LOL, I cannot with this show.  He states he will send congratulations to the Commander for becoming a grandpa which gets our Amazonian Queen taking her badge of honor as tough single mum-to-be.  No one is going to raise mah son but me, f them Cao men, this baby is going to be king of the mountain!  This gets the sexiest laugh out of Cao Jr.  Seriously, he is looks so hot when his face is relaxed, le swoon. He asks what if it is a girl, and of course our Amazonian Queen puts him in his place by stating the girl would be like her momma.  Seriously, why even bother asking that question Cao Jr? Unless...someone wants to keep his badass queen next to him. CFT is looking at the incongruous couple like it was a comedic opera and struggling not to laugh.  Cao Jr kicks him in the shin to get him to support his point.  CFT tries to tamper our two rugged warriors, bringing some levity to the situation. He urges the amazonian queen to not be rash and lay low in a safe place of his choosing, while they await for news about Liu Hanyun. Cao Jr informs him the politician will be in the city under the guise of inspecting economic and social order, but it is in fact an opportunity to investigate CFT’s smuggled weapons side business and the Cao’ involvement.  They both comment this visit is suspicious af and may not have good intentions, which will harm both families. He asks our lonely warrior for another assist with something, which I have the sneaky suspicion has to do with his penguin.

A woman is walking dressed in a velour cheonsang and OMG, it my Amazonian QUEEN.  She’s at Yunxi Troupe and Si Xi asks where she’s from.  She tells him she’s from Shandong and is the wife of a powerful businessman.  She is looking for a performer to relieve her boredom.  Geez, it sounds like he is selling a rent boy as he tells her what his young cast can do for her, like take her to the best places in Beijing to entertain herself. She’s like, stop buttering me up with these subpar candidates, asking him about a boy she saw with him at Huibin House called Xiao Zhouzi.  Ohhh, is that white lie going to work on slick Si Xi? His face change and tells her that Xiao Zhouzi is too disappointing to be up here.  Yeah, I doubt it. She tells him she will decide for herself, whether the young performer is worthy or not. One of her ‘guards’ shows him the money, which makes him change his tune real quick.  They head to where Zhouzi is being held.  Upon seeing them swapped money, he is terrified and gets on his knees, begging Si Xi’er not to let him go. Geez, as he been in this situation before? When Zhouzi said he will do anything as long as he gets a chance to perform on stage, Si Xi’s pettiness tells him tough break.  Gu Dali and her ‘goons’ take Zhouzi despite his protestation, knocking him out to make sure he complies.  LOL asks himself whether Mrs. Wang (Gu Dali’s disguise) is a bandit and I SQUEAL.  He looks on at his ‘disciple’ and basically wax poetic to say ‘tough luck buddy’.

He is dropped off in front of a building and hears someone singing opera.  He stumbles and we see our cute penguin on stage.  OHHH, so they dropped him off at the Royal Theater! Nice.  Our cute penguin being absolutely adorable while asking Zhouzi how old is he. The boy answers 14, which impresses our penguin for the innate talent the boy has.  He promises him he will help him soar if he is willing.  Our poor baby Zhouzi is so overwhelms, he faints.  Apparently he was starving and he chows down on a pig trotter like life depended on it. Er Ye comments that their adoptive son is much like his other father.  LOL, indeed.  The cutie hubby tells his son to not listen to his other dad, and eat to his heart’s content.  Apparently Si Xi never let his harem of young boys eat meat because he doesn’t want them to get fat.  LOL, the face on our chipmunk upon hearing this.  He replies that if that was true, Cai Lao Ba would not sell tickets since he is fat.  Er Ye reprimands him, telling Cai Lao Ba is plump, not fat and tells Shang Lao Ba to be careful not to say this aloud or offend someone again.  LOL, it fell on deaf ears as Shang Lao Ba basically curses Si Xi with an early death, saying to Zhouzi that as soon as the old bat is six feet under, he will be free to make his name.  Best girl Xiao Lai is like OMG leader, please don’t say such ominous things.  Once again, Er Ye tells him not to teach their kid awful things like this, especially if Si Xi does survive past the age of 90.  Shang Lao Ba replies that all of his effort (hmmm...you mean all of Er Ye’s efforts) to snatch Zhouzi is because he believes he will have immediate success and that will ensure he will be protected from any abuse.  Er Ye smiles at his baby and we get a smile from Shang Lao Ba in return.  Is this the first time they both smile so openly to each other? You can see an enormous shift in their relationship as both are so relaxed with each other.  Shang Lao Ba wonders about Zhouzi’s stage name, clearly dissatisfied with his current name.  Er Ye is like, honey, you suck at naming people, giving names like Red January, Red February and so on.  Shang Lao Ba is like, bae, the only reason why my troupe members have such sucky name is because I was not really putting too much attention to it, but when he does, the performer would greatly benefit from it.  LOL, Er Ye is like, ok honey, go ahead and see what that pretty head of yours come out with. Shang Lao Ba says the name must have a flowery flow especially since Zhouzi is a dan ju’er while hubby looks at his beauty like he is the most beautiful flower he’s plucked.  Seriously, those gazes are killing me. Shang Lao Ba gives the name of Zhou Xiangyun. Sigh, how I wished I understood the meaning of his name.  

Hubby writes their son’s new name and shows his beautiful calligraphy to his wifey.  Wifey comments the writing has both the flow of grass and grain, and hands the paper to his adoptive son so he can learn his new name. Zhou kowtows in front of his new leader/father, so grateful by the gesture, he tells Shang Lao Ba he doesn’t know how to repay him.  LOL our penguin tells him to repay him with daily serving of pig trotter since he devoured today’s serving.  He sends best girl to help settle Zhou at Shuiyin House, while hubby asks how is Zhou going to buy pig trotter for him when he barely makes any money. Wifey answers that best girl will give him the money.  Er Ye asks his bae if their bouncing baby boy is ready to become a ju’er.  Our penguin says it is complicated to say, twirls while doing his elegant opera gestures and sashay away from the room while his suave Er Ye smiles, probably thinking how cute his wifey is. 

Best girl brings Zhou Xiangyun to the dormitory where the younger male members are sleeping.  Oh boy, you can already smell the bullying as they basically said they would not sleep around Si Xi’er former disciple. Best girl tries to wield her authority with the boys, getting them to clear up an area for the bouncing baby to sleep.  They seemingly comply but you can tell they are going to push him out as soon as she turns around and leaves. My poor baby, can he catch a break? Especially since they treat him like he has the plague.  Finally La Yuehong helps him out, putting our baby’s things next to him.  Zhou Xiangyun spots the beautiful golden bracelets that LYH kept from his senior sister.  Zhou glances at his benefactor and I ship it.  Later at night, ZXY is kicked out of the bedroom, drawing attention from his new leader.  Shang Lao Ba asks who did this to him, but the already broken boy is not willing to snitch.  SIGH, he is too sweet, is he going to survive in this cutthroat world of opera? Shang Lao Ba goes inside to investigate and admonish the other boys. Dasheng pretends to be sleeping, prompting Shang Lao Ba to throw his shoe at him.  Each one, except for LYH who remains quiet, act innocent as if ZXY threw himself out.  SXR knows they are lying, telling them they are wasting their acting talent on this issue instead of the opera. One of the performer asks why he is so protective of an outsider, especially Si Xi’er disciple.  He tells them ZXY is far better than all of them, which gets them rankled. One of them is like, how can this kid be better than me when I came from a proper academy while he came from the cesspool that is Yunxi Troupe. SXR decides they will have a contest to prove ZXY has more chops than all of them; if he loses, he will give them an additional wage.  ZXY wants to back out, but Shang Lao Ba is like how are you going to prove you have what it takes if you cannot even perform in front of them?

He takes him to his room and have a father/son talk.  SXR tells him how he uses to fight against bullies, but since Si Xi’er abused him, his spirit has been broken.  AWWW. He tells him not to worry and sing his best, even if SXR ends up losing money. As our little puppy is talking about repaying him for all the good things he’s done form, SXR falls asleep.  LOL.  Our penguin snores so loudly.  The next day, the boys ask LYH to represent them against ZXY in the little contest, which he declines at first, stating he did not participate in the bullying, but relents as the other performer convinces him with the promise of extra wages.  This gets SXR snickering and he tells his newfound prodigy to remain calm and sing accordingly.  If he wins, he will treat him to good food; if he loses, he won’t beat him.  ZXY is still hesitant, scared of singing in front of a gathering, but SXR tells this is small compared to the size of a real audience.  LYH introduces himself as a laosheng ju’er while our hesitant baby boy struggles to introduce himself and his role.  SXR comments on that, predicting he will probably lose. LOL. He asks them to perform Meilongzheng (The Emperor and Country Girl), the same opera he sang back in episode 2 when he saw his future husband for the second time and got married on the spot, after being rescued by his dashing prince from the rich spoiled brats. At first, our broken little puppy is unable to sing properly, sounding like a cat whose tail was stepped on.  Like seriously, what the hell was that?  He stops telling SXR he was too nervous.  SXR tells him not to be so anxious and let his voice flow from his throat, not by forcing it. He starts over again and it sounds much better.  LYH sings along and everything looks great, while our suave hubby comes to the courtyard to bring his bae breakfast.  AWWWWWWW, I can’t!  Where is my Er Ye???? Btw, the lyrics are quite interesting and seems to describe our main couple’s relationship: “This Begonia brings out the romantic.”  This freaking show is dropping hints so loud, you have to blind and deaf not to see it glaringly clear. Our suave prince stands in the entrance, away from everyone’s gaze and watches the show right as as ZXY loses the plot.  LYH is exasperated with the kid, believing he was worth the trouble and storms out.  Best girl yells at LYH and defends ZXY for being inexperienced, which gets one of the sheng performers to accuse her of being swayed by the kid’s good looks, which gets Shi Jiu hot under the collar.  I guess all she can insult people like that.  LOL.  SXR tells everyone to stop arguing, informing them he knows of ZXY potential and what he is capable of. The same performer tells his leader to stop giving the kid excuses, more interested in knowing if he will get the additional wages. At this time, our suave dashing hubby steps in, steps in, calling his wifey out for breakfast. RAWR, what a good hubby! 

Shang Lao Ba asks why hub hub is here so early.  LOL, this reminds me of the novel and how much of night owl CFT is while SXR is an early bird. Er Ye explains that he was standing there watching the performance and wanted to know how Shang Lao Ba was going to judge this contest.  Shang Lao Ba states the kid’s performance was not that great, sounding like a couple of cats’ howling.  LOL.  Er Ye cautions his wifey on how he is going to judge ZXY, worried this will increase the bullying if he is declared a loser, but Shang Lao Ba replies favoring the potential prodigy will actually draw more ire from the rest of the troupe.  I am with Shang Lao Ba on this.  It is clear these performers respect only one thing and that is talent. He tell Er Ye about his own case of stage fright, which surprises the hubby, probably thinking his babe was born on the stage.  Shang Lao Ba replies that anyone with pride has stage fright and he is right about this.  Because you tend to want to be perfect, you actually get inside your head and get so nervous you forget how to perform. Er Ye asks how he was able to face his stage fright and once again we are reminded of the horrible abuse our penguin suffered to reach the top.  His dad actually paraded him naked in front of everyone, from the backstage to home.  Er Ye is disgusted by the poor treatment his baby went through, stating he would never used this kind of treatment.  Shang Lao Ba casually claim the embarrassment is so extreme that you will never be scared or cowardly. Er Ye urges him not to use this method with ZYX because the broken boy would probably be so traumatized, he might jump off a bridge.  Yeah, I believe it.  Shang Lao Ba is like, oh is it because I am thick-skinned while ZYX is thin-skinned. Well despite you being physically abused, you were never told that you would amount to nothing, especially get on stage. Er Ye laughs and replies that he needs to find another method.  Seriously, sounds like an old married couple talking about how to raise their kids.  I CANNOT SKHHKHKHFLKJ

SXR gets out of the house and announces LYH is the winner, therefore the performers will get an additional wage.  He calls out ZYX to follow him.  They end up at the noodle restaurant and our broken boy starts the mea culpa.  Shang Lao Ba tells him not to worry, he won’t scold him for failing, reassuring him it will take sometime to get good, He orders a cornucopia of food claiming the boy is too skinny.  LOL.  Seriously all that food!  ZYX is like, boss, this is too much, but SXR replies he can take his time to eat all of it.  ZYX tells him he is a good person and will repay him with hard work, but SXR is like don’t worry, just eat.

There was so many cute ChengShang moments, I melted into the ground.  To see them talk as if they were an old married couple discussing their son’s education was the sweetest thing. It was interesting to find out that SXR did not put that much thought in naming some of his troupe members, which tells me he did not see them as more than supporting cast.  This does not mean he doesn’t care, in fact, he considers them his siblings in the troupe, since they grew up together, but Zhouzi is the first true disciple he actually recognized, one he can elevate to surpass him.  Let’s not forget, this is someone who is extremely passionate about the art, who can even get lost listening to other performers, so him recognizing someone’s innate talent is on par with his behavior. 

I was also so happy to see my other ship, Gu Dali and Cao Guixi in their bickering self.  Seeing Gu Dali in a dress again, OH MY QUEEN can rock a beautiful cheongsam when she wants too.  I love her independence, even in front of the lonely warrior, telling him in no uncertain way that she will be the one raising their little bundle, he can step aside.  The fact that Cao Jr actually needs his little uncle to help deal with this Amazonian Queen, BWAHAHA.  This is so refreshing to see a woman, especially in that period, stand up and declare that she needs no dude to help her raise her family. What a contrast to the demure Er Nainai whose own strength was subdued by societal pressure.  Yes, Gu Dali is a bandit, who probably do not ascribe to the set set of customs as Er Nainai, but nonetheless, it is somewhat disconcerting to see when framed in this context. 

What do you guys think?

Danie’s Dilemmas Ep. 23: Kinda Sus

Let me just fucking TELL YOU about yesterday. But before I move forward, it’d probably be best if I gave the people involved an alias: apart from me, there were three other people: my friend, Travis (her guy), Bruno (the other guy). 

To make any sense of what the hell went down, I’m going to start from the beginning. On Monday, my friend played it off as if she and I were heading downtown on Thursday, and that if Travis was around the area around the time that we would be there, he should come and join us and bring Bruno along with him. We thought that this was a good idea initially because (1) my friend and I live on completely opposite ends of the city from Travis and Bruno, (2) the thought of finally meeting these two guys who have single handedly swooned us was riveting in itself. When Travis finally responded, agreeing to the meet up, we got all excited and shit, as you would expect from two teenage girls, but we were more so wanting to puke or shit or do both at once without knowing which way to direct our inner forces. I got so nervous that I lived Tuesday, the following day, as if it were Wednesday and I was panicking about what the hell the plan was because I thought that it was Thursday the next day. That was badly worded, but I hope whoever’s reading this still gets what I mean. 

Come Wednesday night (the actual Wednesday), you shouldn’t be surprised to know that I had a fucking panic attack lmao. My mantra of “don’t set expectations” was not helping by any means, instead it just let it sink further in that “holy shit, we’re meeting these guys tomorrow what the fuck”. My friend was having her own version of a panic attack. To cut it short, we were rendered into an anxious mess. And so the plan was decided: I’d go to her place at 11am, take the bus to the station together (we chilled at Tim’s for a bit because it was too early to head directly downtown), then set out at 12:30 to meet them. We really debated just cancelling THAT last minute, but somehow we still managed to suck it tf up and get our asses on that train. Not easy. We felt queasy. A bitch (me) couldn’t breathe, and my friend was just about ready to puke her entire stomach out. The train ride felt like an eternity, until finally it was our stop. We waited anxiously for their train to arrive. It was my friend that spotted them the second they got off. The panic fell as quickly as it rose in that moment. We managed to wave, meet in the middle, and greet each other in haste. I supposed all our minds went haywire that second - the air felt still until my friend broke the silence with a “now what?” to which Bruno quickly suggested that we walk this one specific street. Friendly, I thought. We split off into what I guess you could call “couples”: myself and Bruno leading the way, while my friend and Travis brought up the rear. I can’t talk much on part of my friend’s silent conversations with her guy, but I can tell you that my conversation with Bruno was oddly focused on the weather. The small talk was.. average, I would say. It didn’t last very long, neither did this whole boy-girl grouping. When we were walking in the middle of the street and Bruno and I were ahead, my friend told me to walk faster, but instead I moved to walk right next to her and Bruno went to walk right next to Travis. We looked as if we were in a band. All wearing black. All wearing doc martens (with the exception of one Travis with shoes that were one size too small). Chains. Green. The idea was badass. I whisper over to my friend every once in while going “feel better?” and she’d answer with “yeah, much”. It was calm, but very much separated. Perhaps it was because our comforts were too close within grasp (friends), or maybe none of us wanted to face, much less acknowledge, the tension amongst us... for whichever reason, a majority of our conversations were limited to whispers and the occasional outburst of laughter between my friend and I... and Travis and Bruno. The high was brief, that much I can say. 

My friend, although we established earlier that should stray away from milk tea, given the risks, she was eager to put a stop to the separation and called out that she wanted to go to the milk tea place in Chinatown. We turn around and head back to Chinatown, where this long line of people waited their turn to get their order. I didn’t want one myself so I took on the responsibility of saving us a seat, not that I even had to really. Most of the people that bought something just went ahead and left. I did anyway, because I told my friend that maybe it would be a good opportunity to buy us some time to think of what the hell to do afterwards. I waited for what felt like an entire hour for them to finally get what they asked for and accompany me at the table. In the time I had in between getting there and finding seats, I had enough time to write an episode on my phone (I won’t be posting it because it was basically me just swearing and going over my fucking head), and apparently I looked bored as hell. Not wrong. The conversations were as slow and unreliable as going on a video call in the absence of good service. It was unreliable in the sense that once one question was asked and an answer was given, there wasn’t an immediate follow up, much less an enthusiasm to pursue the topic present any further. Too many awkward silences. Lots of piercing stares that I could not for the life of me maintain. I was seated facing Bruno, while my friend and Travis were facing each other around the square table. The most I could do was give Bruno a brief glance because there was something about his stare that was not in the least welcoming, rather uninviting or... could I go as far as to say that it looked mischievous?? My personality and my voice were actually not there. As far as I’m concerned, I wasn’t really there. Seriously. Have you ever seen me not talking someone’s ear off?? Have you ever heard of “Danie was so quiet”? bitch tf. Whoever that was, it ain’t me. Sure, I’d ask questions here and there about them and their sport, but the extent of my conversation skills ended there and were definitely not up to par. My friend, for the second time, who would marry a milk tea if she could, didn’t finish her milk tea again. Bad omen. We set out again, for the mall this time, just to keep things moving or whatever. 

We get to the store that we usually enter to get into the main part of the mall until Travis stays behind, and all we hear is Bruno calling saying “yo hold up”. My friend and I get back out, when Travis goes: “you guys go ahead, I just gotta do something (or was it meet someone?)” kinda sus. We head in without him anyway, pretending to browse through the clothes that were well beyond our spending capabilities, until eventually we drift into the aisles of accessories where my friend whispers a question to me: “you should really talk to Bruno” and I said: “you don’t think I’ve been trying? I’ve been wracking my brain this entire day for things to ask of even say but I’m coming up short every time because all of it has been done through text”. After twenty minutes of fruitless browsing, Bruno finally comes up to us and goes “are you guys gonna buy anything”

my friend and I: I thought we were waiting for Travis?

Bruno: oh, he’s been waiting outside for a couple of minutes. 

... well shit. 

So we’re finally out, heading over to Pandora for my friend’s mom. When we left, we realized that Bruno was nowhere to be found (turns out he went to the washroom). We kept walking anyway, and this time, to H&M. Travis insisted on waiting outside just in case Bruno came looking for us. While we were in the store, we couldn’t help discussing how badly it was already going and how much we wanted to just leave, right then and there. But my friend brought me back to my senses by saying that it would have been a pretty shitty move on our part to leave without a word. Fair enough. I was briefly blinded by the desire to escape the awkwardness. At this point we rated the day a 4/10 and a 3/10, respectively, with mine being the latter. Never have a been in a situation that I so desperately wanted to flee from. As soon as we got back outside to join them, we saw that they were just about to take a seat, but they stood back up and started walking with us to the gardens. It wasn’t long before we reached the restrooms, where my friend and I, once again, resumed our discussions on the suspicious atmosphere. We couldn’t find them at first on our way out and we were sort of upset saying all kinds of shit (hopefully quietly) like “guess we better find them.. see them anywhere..?”. We didn’t stop walking or anything. Then I sensed that there were people that were walking really close behind us, I turn around and tell my friend “oh wait, they’re right behind us”. She jumped. My mind immediately went to “oh fuck, what if they heard us talking about them??” 

The walk to the gardens was slow. That’s another thing. They were both taller than us, yet they walked so much slower like shit.. they really be taking their sweet as time. It was so hard to resist the need to walk briskly but it was more awkward to walk faster and have them fall behind, so we endured the snail’s pace. We sat next to this group of people that were rehearsing a dance, to which Travis made the comment of “at least it ain’t some gay shit like fuckn badminton”

... 

Low blow, but honestly I was expecting the comment to come sooner in the day. I think we were all just desperate to laugh about something so I joined them. I didn’t really mind that they were shitting on my sport, considering it’s nothing new and it is (to an extent) funny. We were on and off with the discussions on differences between the north and south high schools that we attended, how the north was dominated by southeast Asians, while the south had its healthy mix of all races, to say the least. This was when I sort of noticed how Bruno, who was supposedly my “guy”, kept directing questions towards my friend. I wasn’t really bothered (yet). Travis mentioned that he had to meet someone at the train station because he had a client whom he was selling his shirt to and he gave us the option of either accompanying him or just waiting for him because he said it would be brief. My friend tried making it my responsibility to decide on where we stand with this but all I said back was “up to you”. I forgot she couldn’t say no lmao. So it was settled that we would all head to the station together to meet with this buyer. When we got there, Bruno turned back to my friend and I, standing really close, chuckling to himself. My natural instinct told me to back up (so I did). The chuckles continued and he said “what’s good? you guys been quiet”. I don’t even think I said anything. And if I did, I was thankfully cut off by Travis who announced that the deal was done and that we should go to the library, which is where we spent a majority of our time. We sat there, in a table by the window with a clear view of the train station.. the mockery. My desire to leave was unwavering. I figured we’d have a game to play or something to keep our minds busy while we thought of conversation starters, but apparently someone stole the UNO cards and that was the only game worth playing. Again, silence. My body language wasn’t exactly helpful. Halfway through the night I noticed how I always had my arms crossed. Closed off. I suppose in the back of my head, that’s what I felt like I should have been doing, but on the surface, I was only doing that because I was cold as shit. I also had a bad habit of turning my phone on and off, pretending to text, or sometimes texting my friend who was sitting right next to me, or texting my own mother about how terribly the day was going. I was aware, but that didn’t stop me lmao. Bruno kept asking my friend questions, complimenting her and so on. I vividly remember my thought process in that very moment. It went something like:

- wtf why isn’t he asking me anything

- it’s cause he always insists on talking everyday, what’s left there to even discuss?

- is it even worth getting worked up about this if you weren’t interested to begin with? 

- okay, it kinds bothers me... lol nah, nvm. I’m too lazy to pursue pettiness. 

So I laughed to myself, thinking, “how pathetic am I”. I didn’t really want to go down that road so I distracted myself by purposely zoning out by staring out the window, counting how many trains we’ve let pass without us in it, on the way back home. Bruno’s glances were all mostly directed towards my friend. At that point I didn’t even care. Just thought it was worth mentioning. Then LOW AND BEHOLD Travis asks me if I remembered this one girl that we both knew from our past. Although it didn’t last long, I was pretty accustomed to how brief one topic started and concluded. I tried asking more about what happened between the two of them because apparently there was something there, but he closed it off. I respect it, I guess. I tried asking them about another girl that Travis, Bruno, and I all mutually knew but again, short-lived. I found out some shocking stuff, but not the kind worth telling here. A couple more questions passed by like “are your guys’ parents strict?”, “do you have a curfew?”, “do you guys like hard liquor? - what’s your favourite drink?”, etc. etc. etc. 

The funniest part of being in the library is hands down when Bruno took the guitar that was free for anyone to play. When he returned to the table with the instrument, it wasn’t long before we all saw that one string was severed. Also, keep in mind that Bruno is a lefty. The guitar is made for right-handed people. Needless to say, the chords were obviously reversed, the guitar wasn’t tuned properly and it took every nerve in my body to not burst out into my ugliest cackle. 

Bruno: *strums guitar*

Travis: ... dude, just no. stop

my friend and I: *shaking and about to break out into laughter*

Travis and Bruno were jokingly discussing how much money they could get out of the guitar if they sold it:

Travis: this could probably be like $100

Bruno: I see this as a solid $80

Also Bruno: *puts down guitar* *hits it on something hard*

Travis: nah bro, that shit’s $50 now

lol what. 

6:00pm could not come sooner. Thank goodness my friend saw the time and pretended as if my mom wanted us both home immediately, otherwise I wouldn’t have known how else to get out of the situation without it being even more uncomfortable. Slowly we make our way back to the station. My friend was determined to get a photo with them for her streaks, so we all huddled over her phone and she quickly took the photo, only to have her hair cover my face. Whatever. I was no longer phased. Their train came before ours. The goodbyes were as haste as the greetings: 

Travis: “it was nice meeting you guys - bye” 

There was a quick exchange of glances with Bruno (again, I broke it off) 

Bruno (hesitantly): bye

Me (hesitantly): bye

And their train was off. The moment it left, my friend and I could do nothing but stare at each other and go “that was painful”. 

The hunger was settling between the two of us, sat our asses down at Wendy’s and scarfed down both of our burgers. Well, more like inhale. On the bus to my place I somehow managed to make my friend cry because I got her to visualize Travis as her grad date, in her ideal e-boy attire: a suit, but never without the chain. It’ll never cease to amaze me, the sorts of things that trigger the waterworks in her. 

We ended the night at my place where I read her cards and was immediately disheartened that they hadn’t changed. It didn’t help at all that she continued to sob at how beautiful her man looked in the one photo she saw of him on Instagram, and that it was followed by another spam post with the caption that just ready “This day was-”. 

I got a text from Bruno at 2am, saying his usual “goodnight”, only that this time, it was also accompanied by his vague thoughts on what happened that day, which he described as “unorganized” but that he was “glad that we all experienced it together”. I chose not to respond because too soon because (1) I was already on a call with someone, recollecting the series of events that unfolded and (2) I was just not in the mood after how badly the hang out went in my opinion. I didn’t get to respond until this morning. Oddly enough, I don’t feel all that bad about it. 

Since this episode is long enough, let me sum up my thoughts in jot notes:

- I felt a lot like an afterthought. By this I mean that Bruno would ask my friend something, then ask me “what about you”, which to me gave off the impression that he thought “oh shit, right, her. I almost forgot she was here.”

- I have been asked by a couple of my friends if I actually like Bruno, but to be honest... I think for a majority of the time, I was somehow forcing myself to like him for no reason. That’s done now though. I think after I realized how varied and separate our lifestyles were, I cut the shit. It’s even difficult picturing ever seeing him again in person after all that just happened. If anything, he’s a friend. But definitely nothing more. 

- my personality FAILED me that entire day. I’m still shocked by how I kept to myself a majority of the night. I’m blaming it on the fear of embarrassing both my friend and I. Had I not done that, it would’ve probably went a little better in my eyes. 

- double dates are NOT a good idea, unless everyone knows everyone equally. Or rather, everyone is just as much as stranger to the other. That way the ball keeps rolling, the questions keep coming. But really, if I were you, don’t be deceived by the thought of how great of an idea it would be to bring your friends along to a hang out that you could just as easily call a “date”. You get too attached to your friend and it completely eliminates your opportunity to get to know the other person because like I said, your friend in this scenario is like your security blanket. And as long as you don’t let that go, you can’t actually fully embrace what’s new and right in front of you. 

- I have no intention of repeating this hang out, unless they ask us and not the other way around. Even then, I’ll probably have my doubts still. 

- PS there was also that part in the very beginning when Bruno tried saying my name and he somehow came up with “DaYknee” and “Dahknee” (second one is correct btw) and Travis just goes: oh.. my god, while my friend says: no one even calls her that

- I was about to say that people call me Danielle mostly but some of the people in my (I hesitate to say IB classes) classes call me Danie as well. That was another funny thing. 

All in all, by the end of the day, I’d say it was a 5/10. 

The highlight of yesterday was probably my call with a friend, who now doesn’t even recall this whole story after I told him about it during the call. 

If there’s anything about Thursday that I can say... here it is:

bro, das craaazy.

And a couple of months from now and I reminisce with my friend, we’d say:

remember dat?

keep up, will ya. ;)