This one-shot was inspired by @funneylizzie super angsty comic but mostly by her follow up picture which you can find here
Read on AO3 HERE
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Let the world come at you
Leonardo takes one step after another.
He tries not to stare at his feet as he walks even though the terrain is uneven and treacherous. He's got a good rhythm going. Step. Step. Step. He fears he will lose it if he pays too much attention to the steps themselves so he keeps his eyes on the horizon.
'Don't stop.' he orders himself. 'Just keep walking and don't stop. One step after another. Get the child home.'
The sky above the two lonely figures is dark and foreboding, the wind merciless. It picks up dust and ashes and flings them into Leo's unprotected face. His eyes sting and his arm burns like fire. Only the child pressed against his chest keeps Leonardo from cursing up a storm. It's not like there is any other reason to keep quiet. They are completely alone.
The fight that has raged through this place like a blood soaked hurricane is long gone, the sounds of screams and blaster fire nothing but a distant memory. Nothing but a wasteland stretches before them. Leo thinks that this might have been where Central Park once stood, but he's only got his own sense of direction to guide them and that had been shot the moment the statue of liberty had fallen and with her the last recognizable landmark New York City had had to offer. Looking around, you would never think that anything has ever grown here. There is nothing alive left in this place, no grass, no trees, no water. Only stone and metal and dust and ashes.
Nothing alive for miles around except for Leonardo and the little boy pressed against his chest.
"Where is my mom?" Casey asks again. And then quieter, hesitant: "Is she dead?"
Leo wants to laugh it off. Deny it. Bounce the boy up and down and make him laugh with a silly one-liner. Death doesn't exist for the Mad Dogz. They get hurt and things are close sometimes, but dying is never even on the table. They always pull through, always come out of it on the other side as winners. Death has always been an abstract idea, something that happens to others.
But Death does exist. Leo has stared Death in the eyes not even half an hour ago. Death has come and stolen his arm and worse, so much worse, it has stolen his brothers. Slithered out of the shadows and snatched them up and would now never give them back.
Leo has seen Death and Death has seen him. They are aware of each other now and nothing will ever be the same again.
So no. This time there will be none of his famous one-liners that fire up the team ( 'What team, Nardo ?' the voice of a ghost whispers in his ear). Leo is not even sure he could muster the energy to even try, to be honest.
His arm, or what is left of it, is killing him. Quite literally. Leo doesn't know how much blood he had lost before he'd finally managed to pull himself out of his shock and grief to put a tourniquet on the stump, but however much it was, it was too much. He is lightheaded and everything feels muted and far away. Even his little buddy in his arms feels weightless in a way he shouldn't be. Like Leo is holding smoke instead of a breathing and living human child ( 'alive alive alive' ). There is a darkness creeping into his vision. Waiting and anticipating. Every time Leo loses his concentration it grows bigger and bigger and he needs to take several deep breaths to fight the darkness back again.
Leo doesn't know how much longer he will be able to.
But he has to. Letting the darkness creep in and take him is not an option, no matter how much he wants to just lay down and stop.
Because he needs to get Casey home where he will be safe. Where Leo will be safe. Where his last remaining brother will wait for them and where he will have to tell Mikey…
'Don't think about that. Just take one step after another. Get Casey to safety.'
Safety. Is there even any place that is safe anymore? Didn't safety die together with Raph and his big brother hugs that held your broken pieces together after another grueling day of fighting? Didn't it die together with Donnie and his big ego that promised you that nothing would ever best the better twin 'so don't you dare give up now, Lee'?
'One step after another, Leo, come on.'
But to where? And to what end?
"Sensei?"
"I don't know, Casey." Leonardo whispers. He pulls the little boy closer. His hair still smells like that horrible chemical shampoo Donnie always forces on him because it will "kill all these disgusting and creepy crawlies while still keeping your hair soft and wavy, you're welcome Junior". The smell makes Leo smile.
And then it makes him want to cry and scream into the void.
"I don't know, kid." he repeats, because he truly doesn't. Cass had been with his brothers, but she hadn't been there when Leo had found their… when Leo had found them.
He wants to believe that she is alright. That she abandoned his brothers and got herself to safety. He wouldn't even be mad. War is not like in the movies or the comics he'd loved to read once upon a time and the real thing puts a lot of things about bravery and loyalty into perspective. Leo has stopped being angry at people running away a long time ago.
Leo wouldn't blame Cassandra for getting herself to safety. Especially since it is not just about her. She has Casey to think about too. All of them have more than once begged her to sit some fights out, to not take too many risks anymore.
"You are all Casey's got." they had implored one day before a big mission.
But Cass had just screeched in indignation, kicked Raph's shin and then taken April into a chokehold that had only been semi-playful.
"Shut up!" she'd shouted with a manic grin on her face, winking at a giggling toddler watching the chaos from his highchair. "Cassandra Jones never runs away. Gotta set a good example for the little shit! And what's this about only having me? He's got you guys too!"
Leo feels his eyes water at the memory. He hopes and he begs and he prays that she has gone back on her words. That Cass will wait for them at the base with a guilty look on her face, but unharmed.
Alive.
He knows better.
Casey doesn't say anything for a really long time. He is unnaturally still on Leo's shoulder, but the turtle is more than aware of the wet spot that is spreading over his skin where a small cheek is pressed against him.
Somehow that wetness feels a thousand times worse than the blood running down his side.
One step after another. One step. One step. One step.
"But everything is gonna be alright, right Sensei?"
Leo stares ahead, tries to will the entrance to their base into existence. Or maybe Mikey, having grown impatient with waiting and leaving the base to come get them, running towards them with a big smile on his face.
A smile that will surely slip into horror the moment he notices Leo's missing arm and their missing brothers.
Leo ponders Casey's question. The most truthful answer would probably be another "I don't know", but here is the thing: Despite everything, deep down Leo still has hope.
He might have grown a little harder over the last few years. He might laugh a little less easily and he might not remember the last time he spent time just doing something he enjoyed. Some mornings, he has a hard time getting up, weighted down by the pain and the horror and the guilt.
Some days seem endless in their bleakness. Every loss feels like another part of him is chipping away like old paint off a wall.
But despite all of that and more, there is still hope burning in his heart and soul.
It is a small flame in a tiny bottle with even more tiny holes punched into the cap to let in air to feed it, but it isburning and it's giving him light and warmth even in his darkest hours.
And no matter what happens, he will always keep it burning.
And he will be damned if he ever just sits by and lets the same flame he can see reflected in Casey's eyes burn out and die either.
So he runs his hand through Casey's hair and even manages to grin a little. The boy can't see it, face still buried against his neck, but Leo hopes it carries over into his voice anyway.
"Of course! We still have hope!"
The boy breathes in sharply. His voice wobbles a little as he mumbles: "A ninja's greatest weapon."
It's a weak echo of the last time he'd said it. Just yesterday, jumping up and down on their old couch and hollering it together with Mikey as encouragement while Leo and the others prepared for a supply run.
The words had been giddy and excited just yesterday, shouted by a boy full of life and joy.
Now he says them like a prayer. Like a silent vow. Solemn and heavy with knowledge.
Another thing that is different now. A lot of things are different now. Maybe even everything.
Leo takes a couple of deep breaths to fight the encroaching darkness back one more time.
They will get through this. Things will get better one day. He has to believe that. He has to hope for that.
Until then, he will keep going.
One step after another.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Let foul men band and heed your hum
For that ancient hymn you heard me strumming?
Is nought but fumble-falls and guns
And tumbleweeds. Love, run!
It's nought that rum won't solve
Though some would harm you, none - not one - no none
Will raise to you a hand nor thumb
Not while by you I stand and hum
All that matters
Is that you're here
All that matters
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