Anyway. Bi and Mspec Lesbians aren't a hotly "debated" topic or even new to queer culture, it's just the newest thing that bullies who REALLY want to be homophobic and even racist use to justify harassing gay people they don't like.

It's the thinnest possible veneer of progressive language wrapped around TERF and reactionary rhetoric so that they can feel righteous for forming an angry mob against vulnerable targets. If you're gullible enough to fall for the newest wave of bigotry within the queer community, and turn on your allies because they're "confusing" or "invading your spaces," the SAME way they turned on bi/pan labels, trans people, xenogenders, neopronouns, and aroace people before this, then get lost.

Home Sweet Home Chapter 5

A bottle of wine for my mother, I was wandering up and down the wine aisle at the grocery store, thinking that I could make it marginally easier for myself by calling home and finding out what Harvey had chosen for dinner, but I was being a coward.  If I was about to walk into some type of showdown that needed a wine chaser, I’d rather take my time to choose the chaser.  

I picked Mom’s favorite white and red, paid for both while also picking out a few other fill in things that I knew we needed for the pantry and who doesn’t grab those impulse buys closer to the check out?  Bags loaded into the car, I was driving home with the hopes that I’d be able to sit down with my mom and my husband and have an adult conversation without that weird undercurrent that I’d finally noticed before I left for work.  

When I pulled into the garage, past Mom’s car in the driveway, beside Harvey’s where he parked the night before I took a deep soothing breath. 

The tiny pounding thuds of Aria’s footprints greeted me first, and I braced myself after putting down the reusable bags holding the wine bottles and other groceries by the door.  The tiny dynamo rushed me, but I was as ready as her daddy had been in our bedroom first thing in the morning.  Her giggles as I scooped her up and cradled her were my favorite greeting, next to the one her daddy gave me soon after.  

“Hey, Mama,” Harvey murmured against my lips, sounded far more relaxed than I expected him to after a day of paperwork and Mom’s company.  “You got more than wine, I see.”  

“Yeah, I couldn’t resist picking up what I knew we needed.”  Aria was growing restless squished between us.  “What’s wrong, sweetie?”  I smacked a loud kiss on her cheek, earning another giggle from our silly little girl.  “That’s better.  Where’s grandma?”  

“Right here, Everlea,” Mom’s voice came from behind Harvey’s tall frame, the general direction of the kitchen and I could hear her lifting the bags I’d set down.  “Don’t mind me, Harvey Russell, I’ll just pack all these groceries to the kitchen and make sure that they’re put away and check on dinner while I’m there.”  

Harvey’s chuckle was soft, and his eye roll was silent, but I knew she could sense BOTH.  “Thank you so very much, Evelyn, I’ll be right behind you.”  He didn’t rush, his arms still wrapped around me and Aria.  “I want a minute with my ladies,” his coffee colored eyes twinkled down at me and I smiled back.  “I swear we were making progress while you were gone.”  

“Should I leave again?”  I bit my lip when he growled at the thought and Aria yipped in alarm.  “Ut-oh, did Daddy scare you?”  Aria’s eyes widened and Harvey growled again.  “Daddy don’t scare our little girl,” I kissed her nose and set her down so she could run to grandma for rescue. “I think we have at least two minutes,” I wrapped my arms around my husband’s neck and grinned into the deepening kiss that we both promised one another before I left for work.

Dinner was pasta, because Harvey knew me well enough to know that I needed carbs after a full day in the office and a full day of worrying about him and my mother throwing barbs.  He and Mom managed to keep the peace, the comments weren’t nearly as bad as they could have been.  In fact, in most circles, they’d be considered almost civil. 

After dinner, Harvey volunteered for Aria’s bathtime and then storytime, both something he felt the loss of during his stint in Chicago.  Once Aria got hugs and kisses from Mom and me, she was in Harvey’s arms, “flying” off to the bathroom for a lengthy bubble bath and a longer bedtime ritual than either Mom or me would normally give her.

“He spoils her,” Mom offered as she helped me clean up the mess from dinner.  Her tone wasn’t as snarky as it had been when she arrived earlier.  

“We ALL spoil her,” I reminded her, because honestly, Aria was the only grandbaby and child for our family.  What else were we supposed to do?  “And after yesterday -”  I sighed, trying to shake off the feeling that wouldn’t seem to go away.  

Mom took over loading the dishwasher, adding her wine glass and the rest of the plates.  “Ever, how are you after yesterday?”  She pulled me away from the mess and set me down at the table.  “Tell me, honestly?”  

“We’ve been through this stuff before, Mom,” I shook my head, because it was true, this wasn’t our first rodeo or the worst.  “But for some reason, this one I can’t seem to shake off.”  

Mom’s focus, her eyes so like my own, were boring into mine.  “When was the last time you -” She stopped and took a deep breath, as if she needed strength to ask the question.  “Everlea, are you and Harvey trying to have another baby?”  

I blinked at her.  What?  “Are you asking if I’m -” I stared at her, thinking about how ridiculous the very idea of it was.  That me, a doctor for God’s sake could miss something so simple, but then I REALLY thought about it.  When was the last time I had my period?  Harvey and I had been DISCUSSING the possibilities of adding to our family now that Aria was three, but we hadn’t made the decision - YET.  

Mom’s face held the smirk of an elder knowing she was RIGHT.  Damn it.  “You can’t shake it because your hormones are all over the damn place, Everlea Grace.”  She sighed heavily.  “You were the same way with Aria, completely out of whack.”  She rolled her eyes.  “He’ll be unbearable with two, you know.”  I stared at her, waiting.  “Harvey Russell acts like he’s BOMC now, adding another cub to his den is gonna make that man unbearable.”

“Mom!”  I sat back and took her in.  “When did you decide he was evil incarnate?”  I really needed her to break it down for me because I missed it, somehow.  “I swear that you liked him, when I first introduced you, you liked him.”

She sniffed and suddenly found the centerpiece very interesting.  “I suppose when I first met him he wasn’t nearly as obnoxious as he grew to be,” I found that hard to believe.  “The more I learned, the less I found agreeable.”  

“Does it have anything to do with the fact that he,” I contemplated why it was suddenly difficult to discuss the topic that was literally the main source of conversation for us, “put Aria inside of me?”  Mom stared at me like I’d lost my mind, which fit with how I felt for bringing it up.  “It’s why he thinks you hate him.”

“I don’t HATE Harvey,” Mom groaned with another eye roll.  “I just think he’s an unbearable asshole in large doses.”  

“Mother,” I gasped.  “Harvey is my husband and the father of my -”

“Children,” she nodded, glancing at my midsection.  “Cause I’m more than certain that he put another one inside you already, Everlea, and while he’s off saving the damn world, who’s gonna be here making sure you’re taken care of?  Me. That’s who.”

And that’s when it hit me.  Mom didn’t hate Harvey because he and I had carnal knowledge of one another.  Or because we created Aria - and might have created another baby.  No, she was irritated with Harvey Russell because he was the government’s housekeeper, and while he was changing shitty sheets, she got to handle my hormonal ass, and pray that the baby didn’t come while he was God knew where, doing God knew what. 

Hey, but what about the girls in the bed? Lizzie, Grace, Polly, Ada… No one seems to write about them, could you? I hope this ask doesn't sound rude, I just thought you could be the one to write about it, but it's totally okay if you don't think you can.

My love you are far from rude!!! I am flattered that you are entrusting me with this great request :) I will do my absolute BEST to do these ladies justice!!

Polly

Absolutely knows what she’s doing. This isn’t her first rodeo and knows all the tricks and what works for her and what doesn’t. Polly gives zero fucks about almost everything, including who’s home when the two of you go to bed. After all, “it’s my fucking house and I’ll do as I fucking please.” She is very experienced and knows how to make you feel good and how to make everything loving, magical, and just… perfect. She’s not the ‘quickie’ type and will absolutely be smoking a cigarette after you two go a round (or two).

Ada

Ada is very much like her aunt, she knows what she’s doing and doesn’t give a fuck. She isn’t a big fan of quickies but will also be so down if she’s feeling needy enough or if she wants to make you squirm. Ada is very prim and proper on the outside but will be an absolute mess when you two go to the bedroom. Everything is sweaty. The air is thick and smells kinda gross, but also has a hint of her perfume. But Ada will definitely show you how much she absolutely loves you at any given point in time for any reason that she could ever think of.

Lizzie

Lizzie knows her way around, but she’s not cocky about it. She’s a good mixture of Grace, Linda, and Esme- can be just about anything you want whenever you want it. She loves a good smoke before and after and doesn’t take anything too seriously. Lizzie is very handsy- whether it’s grabbing at our arms, your hair, the sheets, anything. She also LOVES going down and riding you hard. She’s way too good at it and she definitely knows it, playing you like a fiddle each and every time.

Grace

Grace is so vanilla. Like, she’ll experiment with things but only because you asked her to. She is 100% a pillow princess but she’s pretty, so you’re okay with it. Grace is also super needy in bed- she needs to feel close to you almost constantly and always has her arms and hands around your neck, torso, or in your hair. She’s a real ‘Moaning Myrtle’ if you catch my drift. Grace also sweet talks you a lot in bed, a lot of verbal praise and telling you how good you’re making her feel. Is always down for a proper cuddle afterwards and just showering you with sweet love and affection- usually with kissing.

Esme

She’s exactly what you’d expect. Esme has a very loving side to her and will take things slow and intimate and easy but also will fuck you so hard that the two of you won’t walk straight. She’s definitely kinky af and will try almost anything just to see what it feels like. She’s not as loud as Linda but will not be quiet for the sake of others. She’s also down to have sex just about anywhere, after all it’s “livin’ how we should be, out there in the open. Shouldn’t be all cooped up in some fuckin’ house.”

Linda

Alright we all know Linda is miss “good church girl who loves jesus” and all but homegirl KNOWS her way around the bedroom. She’s literally everyone’s fantasy of a good Catholic girl who is also a right freak in the bedroom. Linda will flirt up a storm all day long and then (depending on the day) destroy you when you get to bed or let you destroy her. There’s really no in between. She’s also so fucking loud that literally everyone knows when you two are together and on one hand it’s a total turn on and goes straight to your head but at the same time it’s soooo embarrassing when everyone teases you two about it the next day.

I hope these are satisfactory :)

EP. 1 - “The Ghosts of Tumblr Survivor Past, Present, and Future“ - AUGUSTO

So getting to know my tribe, I see a couple of familiar faces like Jared and JG from other places. Regan also hosted Flops which is a good thing since I got along with her. However if I'm being honest I feel like I connect with Dan the most, hopefully we can talk a bit more because I want to work with him in the future. 

from deep within the void* hi sisters It’s me, Dan. So I really am like doing nothing in this game rn. I’m the only person who said they could do the flag and I know my gay ass isn’t good enough for that. So I’m just going to submit some bullshit I make in five minutes and call it a day. Fucking Alex Crooks is on the other side and I can hear his cocky little ass right now being like. “WeLl I’m MoSt QuAlIfIEd BeCaUsE i MaDe GrApHiCs FoR pReViOuS tS sEaSoNs” I literally don’t even know him that well but I hate him so I hope he’s an early boot so I don’t even have to entertain the idea of speaking to him on a game or personal level. Call me a bitch, call me jealous, but seeing him stroke his own ego for no reason in VLs has completely turned me off to ever wanting to talk to him ever. Don’t even get me started on that extra ass intro video sis. Get a hobby. As far as my tribe goes, I will do anything for Sam Bosse, so. Jared knows Amanda and is dating Nicole and may be the weirdest person I’ve ever had to talk to. Agus is cool and I wanna work with him I think. And honestly I don’t remember anyone else’s name rn.....oh Allison! She’ll probably be inactive for the first week, we’ll lose the challenge and hopefully vote her out. It’s just #EasierThatWay And that’s all you really missed on Glee. *fades into the abyss*

REGAN SCARES TF OUTTA ME. DRAKE IS A COOL DUDE. I LOVE SAM. AUGUSTO DESERVES THE WORLD. AND FRANKIE IS PRETTY CHILL. ALSO, I MESSED UP REALLY BAD AND CALLED ALLISON AMANDA. 

It’s time to open shop cause we’re back for business, baby! And this time we REALLY mean business. Okay, yeah… that’s cringy but I’m just really thankful that I’m back for the fifth time to redeem myself. Redemption means to finish what I’ve set out to do the four times I’ve played before; to win. I’ve messed it up for myself countless times before and it’s up to me to do better, be better. Now it’s just a matter of how it’ll happen. :D 

Just put back 99 bottles down with Johnny and Vilma. We knocked it out perfectly in about as little time as possible, so I think we've got at least 1 of our 3 that we need to win immunity. We spent an hour and a half talking to each other so we really got to build something too. I'm glad that we did that and hope we can all move forward together. 

With this being my fifth game, this isn’t my first rodeo per se but I need to act like it is for my sake. I always come into games with 150% effort right off the bat and it gets me out incredibly early, so I guess you could say my strategy is to be more chill? I want to really put effort into my relationships with people on this first day so there’s a semi-solid foundation for at least this round. More often than not, the people that are active and likable during the first day end up staying at least for the very first round. After I make good conversation with a majority of our tribe the first day, I’ll be a little less active in talking to people and see who keeps up the effort to talk to me, etc. Let’s see how long I keep this up though… 

*a few moments later*

This cast = stacked, period. I’m genuinely happy for everyone returning to right their wrongs (yes, even Johnny). The Lazare Tribe has the better tribe color, no cap… but I’m glad I’m on Malabar. I’ve played with Johnny and Roxy in Flops and Great Lakes respectively, plus I lost to Alex in my first ORG ever. While being on a tribe with Roxy would be a good time guaranteed, it wouldn’t be good for either of us in terms of longevity cause I feel we’d be clumped together and targeted for it. So for the moment, I’ll have to be without the icon herself and hope to be on a tribe with her in the future. As far as Johnny goes, he was a large reason why I left Flops in the first place plus we were super close allies that never trusted each other, so if we do meet again it would either be a clash of the titans or the best collab since Mariah and Whitney. (K, I cringed @that but it works). Plus, he was the one who randomized the rock draw that got me out in Socotra so the universe is basically saying he is not one to be trusted! If we would’ve started on a tribe together, things would’ve gotten awkward quick so I’m glad I’m spared from that and can spread my own wings until I meet him again. SO yeah, thank you hosts for putting me on Malabar, xoxo.

*a few moments later*

Guess the hosts are feeling the Christmas spirit by bringing the Ghosts of Tumblr Survivor Past, Present, and Future to us. You guessed it, our season’s twist is Ghost Island, which centers around all the mistakes, misplays, and misfortunes of all who have played TS before. I mean they played TS to begin with so that’s probably the first mistake, but in all seriousness… I probably have like 58493 items hidden at Ghost Island. We got the misplayed extra vote from Flops, the idol I went home with in Flops, the exile pass I didn’t use in Great Lakes, the rock I drew in Socotra, we could probably even include the whole Aomak tribe and Great Lakes as a whole. All in all, we got options! As you can see, I don’t have the best experience with advantages but as part of my unfinished business, I want to go to Ghost Island to at least have the opportunity to redeem myself. This’ll be interesting for sure, especially since someone will be exiled from Tribal Council every round which is an advantage and disadvantage within itself. Realistically though, I can see them sending in Regan every round cause people are like that lmaooooo 

* another few moments later*

Okay, I think I’m doing okay for like the first time ever? I don’t know, my tribe is just really cool and I’ve vibed with almost everyone to some extent. If I had to pick my favorite person on the tribe, I would say Samantha just because we legit have so much in common and had some surprisingly deep conversation like about how diversity is super important in our society. So yeah, she’s awesome. If I had to pick a second, it would be either Ashen or Jared just because we’ve had tons of laughs in our conversations, which is nice. For example, Ashen talked about being from Tennessee and hating country music which turned into us having a fake band and then with Jared, we were making jokes about how we are making profit off of our fake OnlyFans account. Regan and I are somewhat close, just because she hosted me and like I try to be really nice to her since some people act kinda messed up towards her. Drake and I were both in Flops, but we never interacted since we were never on a tribe together and same goes with Dan in Great Lakes, so hopefully I get the chance to play with them. While I started interacting with Frankie kinda late, we’ve had some cute little chats which is nice. JG was a little hard to talk to in PMs, but we were interacting a lot during the tribe call so who knows! The only person that I, and I think everyone else, haven’t really talked to is Allison just because she hasn’t been here all that much. I do know her somewhat from playing Izu Islands with her though, so if she and I talk it’d be fun to catch up and get to know each other more. This is all great, but it’d make a future tribal kinda difficult. I do think that Allison would be a scapegoat for everyone, which is a tiny bit reassuring but again, you never know. 

The Art of the Meme: My social game is good enough to get me through to a potential tribe swap. I HOPE. And it is all encompassed in my ability to make others laugh. How, you say? Memes. I try my best to analyze the personalities of the tribe and place whichs memes fit best with each person during lulls in the conversation. That way, it never seems like the convo is drying up! Relationship Rankings: 1. JG 2. Dan 3. Drake 4. Samantha 5. Augusto 6. Reegan 7. Ashen 8. Frankie 9. Allison

Normally I do video confessionals, but we'll do this just to have something in real quick while it's fresh! Just jumped off call with Alex. Hands down this is the guy I wanna work with coming into this game. Only guy I know who's a loyal type of player unless given reason not to be. That's who I want on my side. He's also a threat in these games and having a nice little punching bag in front of me throughout this game will be nice lol. So without even second guessing, he's the guy I'm riding this game out with. Obviously though I need to make some other connections and right now priorities lie with Johnny, Roxy, and Zach. Johnny I connect with the most outside of Alex. He seems pretty tight and honestly they like each other so maybe forming a 3 with them in the future would make my day!!! Roxy on the other hand is a little intense and is obviously a social threat. However having people like her on my side to make connections that I can't is vital to my game so I really want to work on her/him too idk lol. Finally, we have Zach. This guy I didn't even talk to up until recently, however Alex seems to think he's in a really good spot with the entire tribe already with 24 hours of the game starting lol. Alex seems to think it's impossible to get this guy out early and you know what they say? If you can't beat them, join them! So my "mission" right now is to get super tight with this guy because if not, I could easily be the first boot on this tribe for not connecting with the "King Pin"

Ok, so we lost the first challenge and Alison is basically guaranteed first boot due to her inactivity. But I kind of hope they send her to ghost island so we get the real drama and have to make rifts in the game and go for blood instead of an easy target. As long as it’s not me I don’t really care.

okay winning the first immunity while I tried to plan the strategy of all three components of the challenge? LIVING FOR IT Not sending Regan to the first ghost island because she's a troll and I kind of hate everything she does as a person? Also here for it. Very happy Jared went to Ghost Island because I'm trying to get him to trust me this time around, and hopefully my friendship with Nicole can blossum into something great. I know not many people are going to actively try to work with both of them, so if I can manage to work with both of them for as long as they're in the game, I feel it'll benefit me? idk. it's tricky At least I'm safe! No 20th for me whewwwwwww 

*a few moments later*

I DONT KNOW HOW I DO IT BUT I LITERALLY FOUND AN IDOL ON MY FIRST TRY Not telling anyone. If people ask me about my searches im going to get so triggered because i don't know how to lie about not finding anything yet, but god speed. I can't wait for my three episode unfinished business stint to be OTTNN for 3 episodes and then be voted out because I went to someone's house and actually set them on fire? Queen Ashlyn WHO? 

So my tribe lost first immuntiy such a bummer, I mean i hope im not first boot but honestly i dont know. People say Allison since shes been inactive so im fine with that but im going to hold my vote until i know for sure since everything can change in 24 hours i had it happen to me. 

so roxy and alex are sending fucking audio messages of themselves singing in the tribe chat and it’s kinda annoying like damn i didn’t know this was the voice //: 

The idol hunt is on. I already know 7 places that it isn't thanks to everyone else. I'm going to keep trying to figure it out using communications with other people. I'm going to give it a shot on my own now. 

Hello this is Roxy and it's my first confessional. We just finished our first immunity and we want really happy because I like my tribe and I do not know who I would have voted out if we went to tribal I think I'm in a very good standing but my social game is plummeting with everyday I need to really get my head in the game and to get to know people I haven't been able to do that and that's not good like I talked a bit and it's all Hollow on Surface but if I really want everybody to be in my pants when I need to crank up by social game two little bit hard with the fact that I'm only Australian and I'm not the best at social because I don't know what to say or how to start a conversation other than when it comes to strategy and talking to my strategy is not good and Elsa leads to paranoia which leads to getting voted out or idoled out. I'll see if there are some words that don't make sense in those days because I'm doing a speech to text thing because I'm too lazy to type but I really want this n text nobody's gonna watch the video. So I will do a cost assessment now for ACL to my tribe so we have alex crooks I love it looks crooks he's really nice and sweet and have a connection through steam but the problem is I haven't been able to socialize with him alot or connect with him so that will be my top priority because I really want to work with him and I think you'll feel loyal to me Next we have asya.  She's nice and I know her from house of shade I haven't been able to talk to her much apart from the first day I got a 6 that I don't think I see myself working with her long term but I know that is supported to have strong social connection with her because I think she's a loyal type it should stick to her Ally and she could also easily turn people against me I think she has that kind of social power Next is Johnny I like him and I really want to work with him I f***** him up into other or something lol it cencored me. Anyways I want to work closely with him and I think it will be better official to me beneficial not official to be bothered to backspace and Away the only problem with him is that I don't have that much impact usually I feel like I'm seen more as under the radar the matter what I do so then I brought up the bigger players and Johnny is somebody who easily get so much credit just because he is a present and I don't have my skills but still want to talk with her VI: There's my girl and I think if I have a final 2 she would be it I think she's loyal once you're stuck with me and yeah she's cute nice nicole: I haven't had a lot of chance to talk with Nicole she's been sort of not that here because it she's sick but I think she is potential big Ally but I don't feel a lot of potential or f*** I just said potential twice I mean like this potential but I don't know for sure and we'll see how time Curtis but we'll see I don't know Ruben: There is another contender for final to it'll be Reuben I think that he won't ever but he'll be super loyal and I'm going to put a lot of effort into my relationship with them because I believe that is the why is this for me strategically and he also seems really nice he always apologize for everything must be from New Zealand lol jokes VIlma: Barely seems to be on but I think when I go overseas I want to go to Israel time zone is my line better but I'm not sure Zach seems to like her and he wants to bring her into reliance in says oh because she's not that on that much she'll be loyal to us and I think that workout zach: So I can I have a tricky past but I think he will remain loyal to me which is why ive decided to allign with him. He has already made a 1 on 1 chat with me and a f3 chat with vi and i and wants an allaince with alex myself johnny vi and vilma. lets see how that goes. ALso we fuckin squashed them. Heh. 

"It's been almost 5 hours on Exile... I haven't eaten in days. The rumblings of my stomach are a chorus to the ears of a wild, lonely man. Only strategy crosses my mind now. How do I win this game? How do I maximize the advantage of having Nicole here and minimize the potential detriment? I have good bonds already with the occupants of Lazare. Johnny, though once a foe, could prove to be an asset to me in this game. I won't count my chickens before they hatch." *BONG BONG BONG go the drums of the natives* "Cannibals, certainly. And so I hide, erasing my plans, finger-drawn in the dirt." ~4 hours pass~ "The hosts have come and gone. 'Eureka!' they say, their camera phones foreign to me now. I have decided to give the Legacy Advantage to Nicole. Still, I question this decision. It is unlikely that this tool will have much utility now. There are benefits to being away from Malabar. Obvious in it's nature- Ghost Island will protect me from eviction. Though alliances will be formed without me, I should be able to make it to the tribe swap with the relationships I've nurtured, needing only a majority of 5 when I return. I will sleep for now, dreams bound to be boasting new plans. Sweet byebye forever Cao Boi." 

The challenge flop from Flops jumped out and so did the losing Great Laker from Socotra… and the Sarpang member from Bhutan…. All in all, a sis sucks at challenge as shown by me bringing a DODGEBALL to a PAINTBALL fight. Starting off on the losing tribe is something I’m sadly used to, but I hope it doesn’t become a Aomak Part 2 as that was enough for me to take tbh. With Malabar losing however, it gives us a chance to form strategic connections which sucks for Jared who was sent to Ghost Island. Him being sent was a little weird to me since I expected someone like Samantha or even Allison to be sent, but I’m glad he’s going since we were pretty tight those from 3 days. Speaking of Allison, where is she? She legit hasn’t shown up and I hope it isn’t anything serious outside of the game and if it is, I’m sorry Allison (when she sees this). That being said, she’s the likely first boot since she’s the most inactive. Although, I am a bit concerned for Samantha since she’s been a little quiet recently and she told me not many talk to her. Plus, Dan let me know her name was out there a little bit and gave me a backstory on Sam and Regan’s supposed beef. Dan and I have really gotten closer in these past few days and he actually approached me about working together, so I’m glad I actually have a semi-solid ally this early! Tribal council seems easy for this first round and I hope it stays that way for at least a little bit :D 

so tbh im super nervous no one is speaking to me and like I honestly think it can't possibly be as simple as Allison. But then again are they dumb enough to vote me, who could be an asset over an inactive like Allison? Also I trust Dan, Augusto, and Drake

Wiebe: Zlatan couldn't really beat Josef to MLS MVP, could he? Could he?

USA Today Sports Images

October 5, 20183:09PM EDT

It’s campaign season in Major League Soccer. Somebody’s gotta win individual awards, and it might as well be your guy. Or so I’ve learned from AT&T Goal of the Week voting.

There’s nobody I’d rather have in my corner this time of year than Brendan Hannan, the LA Galaxy’s VP of marketing, communications and digital or, as he might put it, guy in charge of slinging soccer and domestic tallboys.

This ain’t his first rodeo. Watch him plant the seed.

With 20 goals and nine assists in 24 appearances, #LAGalaxy forward @Ibra_official should be #MLS MVP.

— brendan hannan (@brendanhannan) September 30, 2018

“Yeah, but nahhhhhhhhh,” went the replies. That’s Josef Martinez’s hardware. Been that way since Atlanta United’s marksman set a new single-season goal record all the way back in August, an accomplishment so absurd nobody even talks about it anymore. Best stats + team in the league = MVP. Besides, “Zlatan for MVP!” is what Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s hype man is supposed to say.

Full disclosure: My top three is currently 1) Josef Martinez 2) Bradley Wright-Phillips and 3) a battle royale between Ibrahimovic, Lucho Acosta and Ignacio Piatti, depending on production and playoff status.

And yet here we are talking about it – damn your mind games, Brendan – because there’s a not-that-far-fetched scenario in which Zlatan could win this thing. Hear me out.

Zlatan’s got 20 goals to date; that’s good for second in MLS to you-know-who. He’s got nine assists, and with 29 total goals created (assists + goals) trails, once again, only Martinez (35). Meanwhile, Wright-Phillips’ only chance at the award comes via the Supporters’ Shield. If the New York Red Bulls win it with BWP leading the way, voters might be swayed, but alas, it’s probably Dos Nueves’ destiny to remain chronically underappreciated.

Voters tend to be swayed by three things: stats, publicity and reputation. What I’m saying is only one man stands a chance of knocking Martinez off his perch, and that’s Zlatan.

Now the obvious caveat, which is that the Galaxy must make the playoffs for the big Swede to have any chance of winning the Landon Donovan MLS MVP Award. There will be no repeat of 2011, when Dwayne De Rosario played for three teams and won it on a D.C. United team that failed to make the postseason.

So LA have to make the playoffs, and in order to do so, they’ll almost certainly need to win their final three games. And if they win out, it’s a near certainty that Zlatan will play a starring role (circle the Oct. 21 game in Minnesota on turf). And if Zlatan plays a starring role, why can’t he finish with, let’s say for the sake of argument, 24 goals and 12 assists?

Let’s also say, again for the sake of argument, that the Red Bulls win the Supporters’ Shield and Martinez’s relative cold streak continues (2 goals in his last five games) and the Venezuelan finishes with 31 goals and five assists. All of a sudden, their stats wouldn’t be quite so disparate, and Zlatan would be riding the sort of ever-growing wave of headlines and public appearances that only he can muster.

He’d have the raw numbers, the publicity and the reputation to do something audacious. You could make arguments like these, which come straight from the mouth of MLS take machine/MLS Digital studios do-it-all Anders Aarhus and aren’t without merit, depending on the eye of the beholder, maybe more specifically voter:

Zlatan is more valuable to his team than Josef. If you took Martinez off Atlanta United and replaced him with someone like Cory Burke, Atlanta still finishes top-three in the East and Burke probably bangs in 15-20 goals.

Josef has scored 30 goals, but his xG totals tell us that’s right about where he should be. Atlanta is a very, very good team already and Josef is able to thrive within that, which is not trying to take away from how good he is. He’s very, very good.

We’ve seen what the Galaxy are if you take Zlatan away: the borderline worst team in the league. The only reason they’re anywhere near the playoffs is because he’s dragging them there.

Think about games like the first El Trafico and the 4-3 win over Orlando City on July 29. Those were situations where Zlatan was literally winning the game by himself. He’s also scoring at basically the same goals-per-90 clip as Josef and has more assists.

We vote MVP on who had the best combination of statistical and narrative season, so Josef is going to win, and that’s fine. He deserves it based on the way the award has always been voted. But if we’re trying to pick who’s “most valuable” to their team? It’s Zlatan, hands down.

You’re telling me voters couldn’t find a way to look past Martinez for Zlatan in the little universe I’ve concocted? You’ve got another thing coming, especially because the Galaxy will be filling up Twitter timelines and other assorted digital media platforms with content like this…

Here’s Zlatan getting asked about his MVP chances in a media scrum following a pair of 3-0 wins that revived the Galaxy’s once-dormant postseason hopes. You can read his answer – scroll down for the quote – or you could watch it. I’d recommend throwing on headphones. Per usual with Zlatan, the delivery makes it.

.@Ibra_official gave his thoughts on the @MLS MVP race… pic.twitter.com/W1HerFedHW

— LA Galaxy (@LAGalaxy) October 4, 2018

“That for me is just extra bonus. I think I am bigger than all MLS,” he said. “It is not my main focus. I don’t want it if we don’t win the whole thing. I prefer my team to come in the playoffs, win the big trophy and whatever after that is just a bonus.”

MLS Cup and the MVP award, just a bonus in Zlatan’s world. He’ll probably get neither, but who’s to say he won’t get both?

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Wiebe: Zlatan couldn't really beat Josef to MLS MVP, could he? Could he? was originally published on 365 Football