#Christmas is coming folks I hope you’re ready to sing the fuck out of some English music
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Boy soprano problems: I received an offer to play Amahl in Amahl and the Night Visitors in my city’s opera this December, but it conflicts with my Lessons and Carols gig where I’m singing the Stanford Magnificat in G solo.
#I love having these problems as a man in my late 20s#I really really hope I can find a way to make both work!! this would be my very first title role if I can do it!#I fucking love Amahl and the Night Visitors too#Christmas is coming folks I hope you’re ready to sing the fuck out of some English music#boy soprano#trans#transgender#choir#ftm#choral music#trans man#ftm trans#choir music#choirs#church choir#opera#opera singer#soprano#treble#countertenor#music#Menotti#gian carlo menotti#musician#musician problems#singer#singer problems
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The Arrangement: CEO’s Son/Dom!Shawn x Black Sub Reader Chapter 14
a/n: i told you I wasn’t good at angst. 2-3 more chapters and then we out this bitch tbh. Hope you’re enjoying the final words. If there were ever a time to tell me you fuck with the fic this would probably be it tbh. I’m almost done. K bye. Also if you wouldn’t mind supporting at ko-fi that would be really dope. The kid is broke and has to go to grad school somehow.
*Shawn’s point of view*
He can’t sleep without her. Can’t eat or make music or workout. It all hurts. It hurts more than he could ever possibly imagine. And he couldn’t get the sound of her voice breaking when she told him it was over out of his head. She loved him. And he loved her. But it wasn’t enough. Losing her is like losing everything that ever mattered to him. It situates her differently in his mind. He thought that she was everything to him, but it wasn’t until he had to go without her that he actually knew what it meant and what it felt like. It was like she controlled his heart beat, his lungs, even his mind. Without her there to keep him going, it all feels pointless. And so he cries a lot more than he had in years, and he reminds himself that she had been the one to tell him to get over himself and get in touch with his emotions. She had showed him it wasn’t bad to feel, and yet she never could have prepared him for this.
He tortures himself with it too. He replays the words, remembers the exact cadence of her voice so soft and muted and full of hurt. It’s over. It doesn’t matter. Goodbye. He never in a million years could have seen this one coming. All that’s left is for it to kill him slowly by the hour, when he reflects on what it means to lose her. To be without her was like not existing at all, but with a shit ton more pain.
He’s lying in bed on another guilt trip when his bedroom door opens. It’s Tiffany this time instead of his dad. It’s probably for the best. Given his current state, he surely would have lunged.
“Shawn,” She hummed softly. “It’s time to get out of bed.”
He cuddled her pillow a little closer to his chest and found that it didn’t smell like her anymore. And he had this moment where he wondered if this was the beginning of the end. Would he start to lose the parts of her that meant the most to him, that had become so salient? Would it be like she was never here at all? His chest tightened considerably and his eyes watered.
“No.” He mumbled.
“Look I--I’m not quite sure what’s going on here, or why your father has suddenly had a change in heart but...I’m here to take you to your contract signing, Shawn. This is literally everything that you’ve dreamed up for your entire life. Everything changes today, if you just get out of bed.”
The only thing he can think of is the last night he stayed over at her place. He played her a song he wrote about her. He kept messing it up because he didn’t wanna look away from her, but his fingers hadn’t quite memorized the chords yet. Everytime he messed up, he would just smile at her and eventually she asked him what he was doing. He told her:
I can’t help but look at you when we’re in a room together. I wanna always be looking at you, honey.
“I’m not signing, Tiff.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Tell dad I’m not signing and on top of that I quit.”
“Shawn. Now look I understand you’re upset but you need to be very strategic about what your next move is, here! You know what your father is capable of.”
His eyes drifted over to his nightstand where the watch that she bought him for christmas still sat. He’d never been clearer about anything in his whole life.
“Look I’m sorry he made you drive all the way over here, but my stance is final. Fuck his money, fuck his power, and fuck him. I want out.” He whispered tears threatening to choke him again.
He closes his eyes and pinch the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He can’t take it anymore.
“He’s already taken everything that matters. He can’t hurt me anymore.”
He rolled over away from her, glaring angrily at the wall until the sound of his apartment door closing rang in his ears. He goes back to counting the minutes without her. It isn’t enough to keep him preoccupied from the longing.
***
*y/n’s point of view*
It doesn’t feel the same. None of it. Your sheets are too rough. The shower is too cold. The eggs you make in the morning don’t taste the same. It’s lonely. Like devastatingly lonely. His curls don’t tickle your neck with morning kisses. You can’t hear him play guitar on the couch while you shower. His cologne doesn’t dominate your bedroom. It’s like he’s not there, and it’s like maybe he never was.
It is...so incredibly painful at first. You can’t even breathe without sobbing. But the worst part is that even when the tears dry, he’s still not there. And all you’re left with is a world that feels a little duller. Perhaps that’s the worst part. It’s not a catastrophe. No one’s died. No one’s in harm’s way. So the world keeps turning and everyone keeps living while inside you’re breaking down. Despite your world being absolutely rocked in every sense of the word, everyone else continued on as if nothing had ever happened.
You’ve got nothing that matters before you anymore. It’s not until you wake up one morning and you skip a flight to meet with Normani in Brazil that you realize the most painful thing of all. He had meant more to you than anything else, even your career, even the power, and the work. The day you’d rather lie at home missing him than working, is the day that you know you lost the most important thing in your whole entire world. And worse than that, you’d had the audacity to give him up for free. To a white man nonetheless. Your ancestors were surely singing negro spirituals from the skies.
The worst part is the waiting, because you weren’t quite sure what you were waiting for. Would they start with a single? Or perhaps a photoshoot? An interview on one of the Jimmys. You knew what you would’ve done, but Manny had a completely different style when it came to management and roll out. If Shawn was signed, he was going to take the media by storm without a doubt. The girls would certainly love him. Hell so would the gays and the non-binary folks too. He was so cute and fluffy. Your cute and fluffy! But not anymore. Somehow you had walked into your office ready to fight the whole world if it meant the two of you got to stay together. Not so much.
The fact that Tiana manages to get into your apartment must mean things are bad. She had a key to your apartment the way an assistant that makes your life run should. However you had an unspoken rule between the two of you that she shouldn’t enter your space without you knowing. Everyone knew how important your space was to you, how much being home needed to exist outside of work. For her to enter unannounced probably meant she thought you were dead. If only it were that simple.
The door slid open interrupting the mood of playing a playlist that Shawn had made for you back in a time where there hadn’t been a world of space between the two of you.
“Oh sis…” Tiana whimpered. “I’ve never seen you like this.”
You rolled your eyes into your pillow. “Well get a good look. It’s probably my permanent state.”
“Is this...is this a playlist he made you? Baby that is some middle school shit. We have to snap you out of it.”
Tiana slipped off her shoes and crawled into bed with you. You almost mounted a fight, afraid that she might take away the last of the smell of him. But then you remember that smell had left long ago. So, you fall a little more pathetically into her arms.
“I don’t wanna snap out of it, Ti. I don’t wanna lose what little I have left.” You whispered.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I deserve to mourn him.”
She snorted. “Y/n, he didn’t die.”
“No, that’s not...I mean I get to mourn what we were. It was--it was the best thing I ever had. And I lost it. I had to give it up so that he could be everything he’s ever wanted, and that means something. I get to hold onto it okay? Don’t take that away from me too. I already lost him, don’t make me lose him all over again.”
You could hear the lack of life in your voice in your own ears. And if the look of worry on her face is anything to go off, it must not be good. But it hurts too much for you to care.
“Okay. Okay, we can be alright with that.”
You nodded and snuggled a little deeper into her arms. She held for a while in silence. And it didn’t necessarily make you feel better, but it was nice to not have to shoulder the weight alone for a little while. If only for a little while.
***
You’re back at work the first time he reaches out. Work is still work and it still matters and you still love it. It’s just that you don’t get to take lunch breaks with him anymore. You don’t get the random phone calls to get you through the afternoon, or the dinner plans to look forward to at the end of the day. And it’s not the prospect of being with someone. It’s not being lonely versus being with someone. It’s him. You miss him. His laugh. That damn chest hair when he shows more cleavage than you did. The gravelly sound of his voice in the morning. And the way that he’d rather hold you in bed for hours than do anything else. You had never been loved so vastly and so wholesomely in your life. And here you were just trying to get by without it.
Your phone goes off while you’re in a branding meeting for fragrances. The only reason you paid any attention to it at all was because...it was a branding meeting for fragrances. Honeslty, who the fuck cares? When your eyes trail down to the notification in your lap and see his name you jump. It’s completely erratic, and you couldn’t explain it if you tried. Your heart rate spikes and your stomach is just as fluttery as ever. If there had ever been even the inkling that you could get over this fool, that quickly went straight out the window along with apparently any impulse that might stop you from opening it.
Shawn: Hi.
Shawn: idk if there’s like a rule somewhere that tells me how many days I’m supposed to go before being able to talk to you again. Is there a rule?
You shouldn’t answer. It went against everything that you’d said to yourself when you made the decision to leave. There had to be a clean break, or neither of you would make it out whole. You couldn’t answer him. You couldn’t.
y/n: I don’t think there’s a rule. But it’s probably not a good idea.
Shawn: Yea probably. It’s just that I walked past your favorite coffee shop today, and I went inside and bought you a dirty chai only to walk out and realized I couldn’t bring it to you.
There’s a sharp inhale as you try to breathe through the pain of a memory that might never be forgotten. It’s dumb. It’s coffee. Except for nothing is just anything with him. Coffee isn’t just coffee. It’s mornings waking up to him crawling into bed with you and handing you the cup because it’s the only free time in your schedule for the day. It’s shared bagels and fruit and kissing each other on the way out the door to go your separate ways. It’s adventures on the saturday mornings to find a coffee shop you haven’t been to before. It’s a whole slice of your life together that just doesn’t exist anymore.
Shawn: And then I spent the next two and a half hours of my life writing a song about how pissed I was at dirty chai. And instead of being mad at myself for wasting my life away I thought I could just talk to you instead.
You laughed, as he no doubt expected, and had to apologize to all the professional business people for not being professional at all. But hey, it was funny. And it was the first time you got to laugh since he left. Or you sent him away.
y/n: you’re gonna get me in trouble. I’m in a meeting, I can’t laugh.
Shawn: fuck them. I miss you. I just wanted you to know that. I miss you so much.
y/n: I miss you too. More than you can even imagine.
You end up in the bathroom in the middle of the day crying your eyes out. You don’t text each other again.
*Shawn’s point of view*
He gets called into his dad’s office more times than he can count. And first he says fuck it. Fuck him. Fuck his money. Fuck everything. But then his card gets declined at the gas station, and he figures it was time for daddy to finally pull the strings. The least he could do was go meet the prick physically to watch him do it.
He shows up in skinny jeans and an old gym t-shirt just to piss the guy off. His dad had never liked him in anything less than a hand tailored suit, and the thought of pissing him off one final time was too good to pass up.
Tiffany is waiting for him just like always when he gets there only this time she’s a little less than her perfectly controlled self. Her fingers twitch at her sides as she walks him back toward his father’s office, her face anxious and stressed.
“Tiff,” He attempted a weak version of a smile. “How are you?”
She shrugged. “I haven’t been this stressed at this job since your father told P Diddy to go fuck himself with a twenty-five thousand dollar bottle of scotch in his hand.”
“Yea? Well I’ll be out of your hair shortly and then things should go back to normal.”
“Shawn he...he’s pulling out all the stops. He has zero intentions of letting you leave.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Huh? He really thinks he can convince me to stay?”
“Yea he does. Please just...don’t give him a heart attack okay?” She asked as they stopped at the door.
He snorted and pulled harshly at the door without knocking.
“No promises, Tiff.”
In his office, his father is still just as pristine as always. He’s wearing a suit and standing at the ceiling to floor length windows of his office, hands in his pockets looking out like he’s contemplating the world. What a douche. It’s gross.
“You wanted to see me?” He sighed already over this conversation.
His dad turned to him and smiled for the first time since he was probably an infant.
“My boy! Why don’t you have a seat? Can I get you anything? Water, that kombucha shit you kids are into nowadays?”
“No, dad. I’m not interested. Why don’t you explain to me what part of my resignation wasn’t concrete enough. Tell me how I can make it clearer for you.”
His dad snorted. “Well of course you can’t quit.”
“...No I--I very much can. And I did dad. I no longer work for you. You don’t own me anymore.”
“Oh for christ’s sake, Shawn! You’re always trying to make me out to be some horrible villain.” He rolled his eyes taking a seat at his desk. “It’s very unoriginal.”
His eyes widened. “That’s only because you’re like the most evil bastard I’ve ever met in my entire life! You make darth vader look like a fucking kitten in comparison.”
His dad merely sniffed and looked at him as if to ask, “Are you done?”
And then he asked, “Are you done? Will you sit down now so I can tell you how I’m going to fix it?”
“This oughta be rich.”
He plopped down in the chair in front of his desk and leaned his chin on his hand in boredom.
“Now...I am going to get you set up in a studio next week. It’s already confirmed. Any producer you want, any collaboration you want, I’ve got it all handled.” He explained pushing a folder across the desk. “Open it. It’s the complete total package. I will have you at the top of the charts in less than a month. With your voice and your lyrics, and my power, you’ll be a force to be reckoned with.”
He stared down at the folder with zero inclination of picking it up. The story was tired. He didn’t need to be at the top of the charts. All he’d ever asked for was to be treated like a decent human being. His dad has never been able to give him that. And as much as he loved music, if it meant giving up y/n the dream wasn’t even the same without her. Everything that he wanted in life had drastically shifted. There was a hole in his life now and he knew that money and music and material shit wasn’t going to fill it. So what was the point?
“What about Khalid? Can you get me Khalid?” He asked.
His dad’s face quickly began to redden.
“What about Normani? Can I collab with her?” He continued. “Oh or what about Ariana? She’s fucking huge isn’t she?”
His dad bit his lip and took a deep breath to contain himself. This was usually the moment when he started throwing things.
“Be reasonable, Shawn.” Manny hissed.
“Me be reasonable? You convince my girlfriend to break up with me and you want me to be reasonable?! Fuck you!”
His blood boiled. His skin felt hot and his heart hammered in his chest. He wiped his hands over his face just to stop himself from spitting. He hated him. He really, really fucking hated him in a way he hadn’t thought possible. His dad had always prioritized his own self interest over everything else, but never had he ever been so vindictive to him. Never had he so viciously snatched away happiness from him.
y/n loved him. She loved him more than maybe anyone had been loved before, at least that’s the way she made him feel. He used to think that losing music was the most painful thing he’d ever experienced in his whole life. But to lose her? Her? It destroyed him. Endlessly.
“You’ve got to get the fuck over her!” His dad roared hopping out of his seat. “You’ve heard the saying, don’t shit where you eat? Well I’m here to tell you you don’t fuck where you eat neither kid,’specially not someone who could be the help! Now I hand you your fucking life’s work on a silver platter and you think you can talk down to me? Cuss at me? You little shit, I made you!”
“Did you...Was that a racist comment against her?” His voice trailed off.
His father huffed. “Oh don’t be such a snowflake Shawn, I raised you better.”
“Did you just compare the greatest thing that ever happened to me to the help?!”
“You gonna pick that bitch over your own family?! I don’t know what kind of spell she has over you, but it ends. Now! I am your meal ticket in this industry and in this world. You fuck with me and it’s over do you hear that? Your apartment. Your cars. Those fucking jeans on your waist. You are mine. Now you can either get with the fucking picture and grow the fuck up from your fairytale bullshit, or I can make a call and you’ll be out on your ass. Do I make myself clear?”
It’s amazing how one person in your life can put it all into perspective, how she could completely shake his whole entire world. It wasn’t a matter of choosing. It wasn’t his dad or y/n. It was choosing himself and his own happiness and his own freedom. Every day spent working for his dad was a day not living a life for him, but a day spent directly towards his dad’s own self-interest. It just so happens that nothing in the world could make it easier than hearing the way that he talks about her.
He gets out of his seat and bites so hard at his lip that blood hits his tongue. But it’s the only thing that’s gonna keep him from knocking the shit out of him, so it’s worth it.
“You’re not worth a damn, you know that?”
His dad blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t excuse shit. I’d rather never sing a single fucking note than give you anything ever again. That woman has more heart and more talent and more balls than either of us combined. You think you’re some tough guy because of your money? Look around dad, no one gives a fuck! At the end of the day you’re gonna die alone and miserable, and if I keep following your lead, I will too. I’m done. Get it? Fucking done.”
He shoved his chair out of the way and headed straight for the door, his dad’s yells and screams finally rolling off his back without care.
“You walk out of this room and you’re finished!”
He paused and turned back to his dad, fingers gripping tightly at the door handle.
“Just so we’re on the same page? You ever talk about her again like that and I won’t hesitate to beat the shit out of you. I hope we’re clear on that. Good bye.”
And that was the end of that.
***
She’s sitting on the edge of his countertop in the middle of his kitchen. It’s where she often would sit when he tried to cook meals for her, and vehemently failed. She’s in a big soft pink sweater that just lights up her skin in ways he couldn’t believe. She’s beautiful. She smiles at him and parts her legs for him to walk between; he does so willingly. The skin of her ankle traps him against the countertop pressed perfectly against her. He smiles.
“You don’t have to try to trap me. I’m already here.” He tells her.
“Good. Don’t go anywhere okay?”
He trails his fingers up her calves and presses closer to kiss her lips.
“Never. I’m here. Always.”
“Mmm. Me too.” She paused to kiss him again. “Always.”
He wakes up like being underwater for a really long time and finally coming to the surface. It’s disorienting to go from seeing her any minute of the day that he could, to only getting to be with her in his dreams. It sucks how bad it hurts. It sucks that he’d rather be asleep than awake, and how much he wishes he didn’t have to feel the pain of surfacing when the image of her is gone again. It just all sucks.
***
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like utter shit mate.” Niall grimaced.
He rolled his eyes and tugged at his hair in frustration. There wasn’t much he could afford to do was there? He was just sort of lost in it all.
“Is that why you invited me to lunch? To make fun of me? Cause I can happily go back to my bed.”
“Alright, alright, calm yourself Mendes. I invited you out here on account of two things. One, Ronnie told me he hooked you up with someone at Atlantic and you never called the guy. Now I’m sitting here thinking surely my Shawnie Boy isn’t a fucking idiot, is he? So that can’t be. And then two! I show up to listen to the final mastering of the album only for some pompous bloke to tell me you quit your job!” He exclaimed. “Now what the hell is going on?”
Niall leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms before staring him down in defiance. The funniest part was that Niall had the kindest, sweetest face in the world. Even though he was trying his hardest to seem angry and intimidating, he just seem really worried and flustered. Maybe it wasn’t funny. Maybe it was sad. Sad. Everything was sad.
He goes to tell his friend about the hell his life has become when two people walk up to their table. It’s a little girl no older than ten or eleven, with an older teenage guy with his hand on her shoulder. He’s probably sixteen or seventeen based off the acne and the look of utter boredom at the world. The little girl is hiding her face behind what looks to be a physical copy of Niall’s album. He hadn’t seen a real CD in years. Must be a hardcore fan.
“Go ahead. Ask him.” The guy asked in a tone just as bored as his demeanor.
She looks up at him with eyes so wide and sparkly that even teenage angst couldn’t defend against it. He sighed and pulled her closer against him.
“Look man she’s a really big fan of yours. Honestly. Like won’t listen to anything else besides you. Will you please do us all a favor and sign her CD?”
Niall turned to two of them and snorted happily. As far as fan encounters go, it’s probably one of the best ones you can get. He held his hand out politely and the little girl plopped the CD into his waiting hand before quickly covering her mouth with her hands. She remained silent.
“Well hello there. I’m Niall by the way. What’s your name darling?” He asked.
A squeal was just barely masked by her hands and Shawn could seen the teenage boy roll his eyes in a certain level of familiarity. Niall smiled at her and the squealing continued.
“Her name is Jenny.” Teenage boy answered on her behalf.
“Jenny. That’s a great name. Jenny I would love to sign this and take a picture for you if I could, but I need to hear your voice first. Can you talk to me please?”
Shawn watches the way they interact. Watches the selfie taking and the signing and the hug. The way she opens up to him and tells him how much she means to him. It reminds him a lot of listening to music at that age. Whether it was Ed Sheeran or John Mayer, music can often times feel like the only thing in the world that makes sense. And it made him feel whole and it made him feel loved and cared for, when no one could convince him of those facts. He had needed music for so much of his life, and it had given him a great deal of self-importance. In that moment he felt more connected to a ten year old girl than to anyone in the world. And it set his mind on a path that it hadn’t been in a very long time. A place he thought would never be an option again.
“You two have a nice day!” Niall smiled at the duo ran off.
Shawn was already tripping out of his chair and reaching into his wallet to pay for the meal they hadn’t eaten yet.
“Get up, let’s go.” He told Niall.
“Oiy! What the hell’s going on?”
“Dude, let’s go!!!”
***
Why can’t I quit when you break my heart open?
I need you more than I know
***
I know a girl, she's like a curse
We want each other, no one will break first
So many nights, trying to find someone new
They don't mean nothing compared to you
***
“That sounded incredible!” Niall called through the speaker.
Shawn shook his head and readjusted his headphones.
“Again, please? I wanna try it one more time.”
***
“Mate, I got someone I want you to meet!” Niall grinned. “Teddy this is Shawn. Shawn this is Teddy.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Teddy, aye?”
She grinned. “That simply is not the craziest thing about me in the slightest. I sure hope you can get over it.”
He shrugged. “Crazy? I can get down with crazy.”
“Oooo. This should be fun.”
***
“I don’t know, it’s like...maybe, maybe one day I could get to a place where it was worth trying again. I know realistically that’s a thing. But I can’t even imagine it. I can’t imagine anything that isn’t her.”
He takes another pull of the blunt she rolled for him and let’s his back hit against the bottom of the couch.
She nodded. “Great so write that. Write what it would be like if you found somebody new. We get the longing, we get the angsty I miss you shit. Write what it would be if you actually tried it though.”
He nods up at the ceiling, arms behind his head as the words start to formulate.
“Like . . . like loving her isn’t something I would ever be able do because it’s not--it’s not you. Because I had you, I don’t want anyone else.”
“Yes. That. Now write it, lover boy.” She sasses handing him a guitar.
***
They’re on a break standing outside the studio while Niall and one of the producers smoke. He hasn’t seen the sun in who knows how long. He’s been living in the studio, Niall putting up every dime for him to record. Every person that he works with, every hour that he spends making this thing is largely because of him. And he’ll never forget it. Somehow what means more to him than any of it is just how good of a friend he is.
“Why don’t you just call her mate?” He asked.
He was leaning against the side of the building peering up at the night sky. He still missed her so badly it hurt to think about. And all he’s been doing every day is thinking about it.
“I can’t.” He sighed. “I mean I--I could. I just...I wanna have something to show her. I want her to know that there was another option. If I try and get her back now, it will just look like I gave up my shot for her and she’d never be able to live with herself. I know her. This is...it’s the only way.”
Niall nodded and took another puff.
“And if it doesn’t work? Cause sometimes it doesn’t, ya know?”
“I know. If it doesn’t work than I tried on my own terms. And then it’s no one else’s fault but mine. Not hers’. Not my dad’s. Not yours. I just have to hope she’ll listen to me when my whole heart is on this record.”
“Well shit. It’s a hell of a plan man.”
****
He’s drunk. There’s no way around it. He’s drunk and tired and lonely a maybe a little horny too if he thought about it long enough. Niall, Teddy, and another producer got him hammered when he said he couldn’t write another song if you paid him. They probably meant for it to be inspiring, but really it had just rooted him in his sadness. So, he stumbled home and fell into bed and that was when it hit him.
“Hello?”
“You’re not here.” He mumbled into the dark.
“Shawn? What the hell is going on; it’s three am.”
He kicked his legs out on the bed and whined into his pillow.
“You’re not here! I’m drunk and I’m lonely and I want you to hold me. I want...I want you to tell me that no one gets to love you because they can’t do it like I can. I want you so bad. Why aren’t you here?”
She breathed deeply. Soulfully. It sounded heavy and full and like maybe it hurt for her to breathe the way it still did for him.
“Where are you right now? Are you safe?”
“I’m at my apartment... Y/n, I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved.”
She giggled and he had to roll over and shove his face into the mattress to keep from exploding at the sound. God could she get any cuter?!
“You didn’t write that one, superstar.”
“I wish I had.” He whispered. “Come over. Please? No wait, d--don’t. I’ll come to you. Let me come to you. I’d do that for you.”
“I think that’s a bad idea. You stay right there sir. You fall even more than normal when you’re drunk.”
He bit his lip and held the phone a little tighter against his ear.
“Yea. You used to catch me though. Why’d you let me fall?”
“Because...Because I knew you were gonna get to fly.” She sniffled. “And I didn’t want to be the reason that you never tried.”
He clutched at his chest, eyes closing. “Please don’t cry. I love you so much. Don’t cry.”
“I know. I know you do, and I knew you’d never let me go if I didn’t make you. I had to, Shawn.”
He shook his head, wishing more than anything that she was there so he could shake her and kiss her and flick her on the forehead.
“No. You didn’t. We could have made it work. I would have made anything work with you. You were it, ya know?”
So now she’s crying and he’s crying and her side of the bed is still cold and it doesn’t even smell like her anymore. And he’s just supposed to give up? He’s just supposed to do nothing? With this crazy ass beautiful woman who was the best thing to ever happen to him? Yea, not fucking likely.
***
*y/n’s point of view*
You were trying to reheat this amazing french onion soup your mother had sent you the recipe for. Your stomach growled as you ran the spoon through it as if to say: “bitch we simply must eat more.” Despite Tiana’s begging, you didn’t have the multi-pronged attack from Shawn and her to convince you to eat in the busy work day anymore. The doorbell rings and makes you burn yourself on the hot liquid causing you to curse and run your finger under some cold water. The doorbell rings again. And then a third, fourth, fith, and sixth time in quick succession. By the time you head towards the door whoever was behind it had taken to knocking aggressively as all hell instead.
“There better be somebody dying for you to be knocking on my door like--”
You yanked the door open only for six feet of Canadian headache to literally fall into your apartment and onto the floor. You know...like an idiot?
“Oh my god! Oh my god, what’s happening?!” You exclaimed.
You were sure the son of a bitch had been shot.
“Ran straight from the subway! Elevator too long! Took Stairs. Can’t breathe.” He wheezed.
“You….You ASSHOLE!” You screamed kicking him in the thigh. “I thought you were dying!”
“OW! Goddamn y/n, I thought I was too!”
He fell back against the floor and placed his hand over his heart working steadily to gain his breath.
“Why are you here Shawn!” You screeched. “Besides to give me a heart attack?!”
“Because! I need you to be my manager!”
And that is where you killed him.
Buy me a ko-fi???
Taglist:
Permanent taglist
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Arrangement Taglist:
@moonlightmendes22 @cottoncandyshawn @shawnsblue
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#shawn mendes#shawn mendes smut#shawn mendes fandom#shawn mendes fic#shawn mendes fluff#shawn mendes fanfiction#shawn mendes fanfic#shawn mendes fan fic#shawn mendes fan fiction#shawn mendes x reader#shawn mendes x you#shawn mendes x black woman#shawn mendes x y/n#shawn mendes x black oc#shawn mendes x black reader#shawn mendes angst#shawn mendes au#shawn mendes non au#shawn mendes oneshot#shawn mendes blurb#shawn mendes series
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Finally (Jamie Benn Imagine)
Alright folks, I’m back! Well. I’ll be back-back Wednesday, but I managed to get the Internet time to post this.
Rating: T
Pairing: Jamie Benn/Reader
Words: 2276
Warnings: underage drinking mention
Requested: yes/no
Summary: You’ve been best friends with Jamie for a long time, when he invites you to a team event. Oh, and you’re in love with him, too.
It’s not that you’re in love with him… except that you are. And you have been for longer than you’d like to admit. It’s not your fault, really, because he doesn’t have to be so kind and funny and awkwardly charming, or walk around looking like that all the time. Truly it’s unfair, and you’re a victim here, honestly, because those dark brown cow eyes are cheating. At life. Or something. The point of the matter is that he’s stupidly pretty and- even more unfortunately for you- a stupidly great person. And you might maybe be a little bit stupidly in love with him.
You don’t really get why he’s friends with you when he’s a top-tier hockey player and you’re an outreach coordinator at a non-profit who he met by accident during a tour of the locker room he didn’t know was happening. You’re not down on yourself or anything; you know you’re a worthwhile person. You just also know that famous people don’t latch onto random fans. Yet when he spilled coffee all over you; he elected to help you clean up, and then to talk to you for almost an hour. Long enough that he ended up giving you a private tour of the basement since you missed the one you were supposed to be on. Somehow, you piqued his interest during those few hours, and now the two of you are nigh inseparable.
He’s having a team bonding barbecue today, which is where you are currently, talking to Rads’s wife at a table just far enough from the pool to avoid getting splashed. Jamie is by the grill, talking to Tyler and Miro (who’s mostly just nodding along and taking sips from a beer he’s definitely still too young to have). Tyler’s wearing nothing but a pair of swim shorts that go to his mid-thigh, still wet from swimming. Miro and Jamie are both in regular board shorts and t-shirts, sandals on their feet. You can’t help but wish it was Jamie in the short trunks and nothing else, but he’s not huge on showing off his body, unfortunately. He still looks good, like really really good, but there isn’t much skin to be seen. You wonder if he thinks the same looking at you in your short-sleeve cover up. Probably not, but a gal can dream.
Darya is talking about how much trouble she had figuring out what to get Rads for his birthday a couple months back, and all you can think is how easy it was to think of Jamie’s gift, and how you’ve already ordered his Christmas present too. It probably has something to do with being around him all the time and talking constantly, whether by text, call, or face-to-face. Darya doesn’t have that luxury, what with her and Rads’s intense schedules. Jamie has a crazy schedule too, of course, and you have a bit of one in comparison to normal people, but that still gives you guys a bit more time than them. This is beside the point, though you can’t quite remember what the point was. Something about knowing as much about Jamie as Darya does about Alexander, or something. Maybe that you’re getting Jamie something personal and personalized, something a wife would get her husband, like the necklace you got for his birthday that’s glinting in the sun against his t-shirt, because he hasn’t taken it off but to shower since you gave it to him, and you’re not sure what that means. Or something.
Anyway, he’s heading toward you now, like he can sense you’re thinking of him. The sun is starting to set, and the light is golden where it streaks through his dark hair, and the way it combines with his soft smile and even softer gaze has you a bit breathless. Darya realizes you’re not paying attention and turns to see Jamie, turning back to give you a shit-eating grin. She knows about your stupid crush, and urges you to make a move on the regular. Since looking at him makes you feel like you’re going to suffocate all the time, you think you might have to do so before you die.
“Hey guys,” Jamie says as he comes to a stop next to your table, “We’re gonna start wrapping up soon.” The butterflies in your stomach immediately die in a mass extinction. Oh. You’re a little sun-sleepy and your skin tingles with exposure, but you could spend every moment of your life with Jamie and still want more time. You stand and you’re grabbing your bag when Jamie lays a gentle hand on your shoulder.
“Do you want to stay? We could watch a movie,” he asks. The butterflies are resurrected.
“Sure,” you agree, slinging your bag over your shoulder. You take Darya and your plates to throw in the trash on the way to get changed. There are only a few people left anyway, so you’ll probably just gonna ash some dishes and then settle in for the movie. As you walk away, you assure Jamie that you’ll meet him in the kitchen.
The first dozen times you came to his place, you were floored by the opulence. By now, you’ve been friends for so many years that it doesn’t even phase you. You duck into the kitchen to toss the plates before claiming the nearest full bathroom. After a shower, you put on some deodorant and fresh clothes, wishing you’d brought something a little nicer than a t-shirt and jeans. It’s ridiculous to wish that, though, because Jamie has seen you in far worse more than once. I’m ou just want to look nice so that. You don’t know. So that maybe he’ll see you as a potential girlfriend rather than a firm friend. Oh god. You’re friendzoned.
You rub some perfume between your wrists and onto your neck; it’s the kind Jamie said he liked best in you once, which you’ve been wearing ever since. Maybe it’s a bit pathetic, but you can’t help yourself. You didn’t bring any makeup, partially because it was a pool party, and partially because you forgot to throw it in your bag before you left. The shirt you brought is one of Jamie’s, and as much as you love the guys, you kind of hope they’ve all left, because they’ll rag on you so hard if they see you wearing it. It’s an old, worn-soft cotton tee that still smells like him despite being in your care for several months. You wear it to bed regularly, letting his scent lull you to sleep.
Anyway.
When you finally exit the bathroom, you only hear two voices left in the house. One voice is Jamie’s, the other Tyler’s, and they’re talking quickly in hushed tones. They both sound annoyed. They don’t argue often, so it must be something serious. You don’t mean to interrupt, but you’re in the living room before you register the tone. They both quiet immediately, before Tyler plasters on an obviously fake smile.
“Hey Y/N, how was your shower?” he asks, his smile turning genuine and worryingly gleeful, “Is that Jamie’s shirt? Looks good on you.” He turns a smug grin on Jamie. Jamie shoves him half-heartedly, smiling just a bit. At least the argument clearly wasn’t too heated.
“I was just leaving,” Tyler continues, half-turning toward the door, “I’ll see you guys next time, eh?” He claps Jamie on the shoulder and turns to give you a hug at the last second before crossing the threshold and shutting the door firmly behind himself. You and Jamie stare at each other for a silent moment before breaking into laughter. Tyler is so fucking weird. Once you’ve calmed, Jamie says “I’ll see you guys next time, eh?” in a horrible imitation of Tyler’s voice, making the both of you lose it all over again. Finally, after what seems like a small eternity, you straighten up from where you’d leaned forward against his chest and wipe the tears from your eyes.
“Let’s go do some dishes, eh?” you say, and the two of you chuckle your way to the kitchen. The dishes are piled in the sink, so you move them to the counter. Jamie fills one side of the sink with warm, soapy water while you scrape any excess food remnants into the garbage. You sidle up next to him once you’re done, hip-checking him out of the way. He overplays it, making hurt, offended noises and almost falling on his ass.
“That’s what you get for being dramatic,” you say when he barely catches his footing. He just grins and resumes his place beside you, ready to rinse and dry. You scrub and set aside the baking dishes that’ll need to be soaked. Just before rinsing the first plate, he puts his music on shuffle, and you both bop along to whatever the Spotify gods choose. They have pretty good taste in dishwashing music, honestly.
Once the final dish has been scrubbed, you empty the sink and refill it with just enough soapy water to cover the dishes needing soaking, while Jamie rinses and dries the bowl you’d handed him. Just as you’re drying your hands, the song changes and you gasp.
“It’s our song!” you crow delightedly. Jamie smiles softly, tossing his hand towel onto the counter and turning to face you. Mallrat sings lightly about broken hearts and devotion as Jamie takes one of your hands in his own, letting the other rest between your waist and hip. The two of you sway around a three foot radius of the kitchen, drawing closer like galaxies coming together, until your head rests against his chest, his chin ducked down so his nose is buried in your hair.
This being “your song” started as a joke. Jamie had taken you to a team event about a year back, and the second you’d gotten him onto the dance floor, Groceries came on. One of the guys’ girlfriends knew the song and explained it while the two of you danced, resulting in rigorous chirping the instant you got back to the table. At the next event, the same thing happened and it was official: this was Your Song. It fits oddly well, too. But you’re not thinking of that right now, too engulfed in his strength and warmth and scent to care about much else.
This would probably be a great chance to shoot your shot; you’re alone, Your Song is playing, you’re in each other’s arms. You could just tell him. What are you supposed to say? “Hey, I’m in love with you”? That’s a little too unambiguous for your taste. But the song… you could just sing part of the song to him, and that would give you plausible deniability, probably. It’s kind of a cop-out, really, but you’ll most likely never have the guts to do it any other way. If you sing the bridge, that could be appropriate; you are lovesick, so… Yeah. Yeah. That’s what you’ll do.
Except you’re caught up in him, in his slow, deep breaths, in the way you’ve stopped moving in circles, just swaying in place between the island and counter, and you completely miss the bridge when it comes. Cursing your short attention span, you pull back just far enough to look him in the eye. You’re still pressed together save for your heads, still moving side to side, still feeling like a binary star system, inextricably linked. The song is ending soon; if you’re going to make a move, you need to do it now. Fuck it.
I just wanna get groceries
I pray you wanna get close to me
Oh give it some, give it some, give it some time
But I think we’re supposed to be
The eye contact is almost unbearable but you can’t look away, trying so hard to convey what you mean, to make him understand. Searching for a response in his eyes, something, anything.
And if you wanna get groceries
And if you wanna get close to me
Just give me some, give me some, give me some sign
I think that we’re supposed to be
It feels like a plea. Please, please, give me some sign. This could be so good, this could be amazing, we could be amazing, I think that we’re supposed to be. Please. You stop moving when the song switches, just staring into each other’s eyes. Your hand had moved to cup his jaw as you sang, his beard coarse against your skin. You can’t seem to bring yourself to move it, to move at all, time frozen on the event horizon of forever. This is it. This is it.
“I think that we’re supposed to be, too,” Jamie finally says. A second ago he had seemed so unsure, skeptical, but now his expression is resolute, voice sure and unwavering. Holy shit. Holy shit. Jamie Benn is in love with you. You’re in love with him and he loves you back. He wants to be with you. Unless you’re reading too much into it? Maybe you’re reading him wrong? He could be joking. It’s not his joking face or voice- because he can’t keep a poker face for the life of him- but maybe—
“Can I kiss you now?” he asks, and that is his teasing voice, “Or do you wanna stare some more?” You can’t keep yourself from laughing, burying your face in his neck as the both of you giggle helplessly. Your heart is fit to burst with overwhelming affection. He tilts your head up, and smiles into it when he finally, finally kisses you.
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live typing extra life 2019
warning: this a fucking LONG post. if you plan on reading it all, godspeed.
i typed all of this as it was happening on stream so this gets progressively less coherent as i grow more sleep deprived. prepare yourselves. i may or may not go off topic at some points
larry vehemently vomiting pure malic acid. we’re off to a great start
what the fuck the soggy ass popcorn in that ranch jesus christ
lindsay in the song from AH the musical. i love her so much
jeremy going YAAAAAAY after someone eats a cursed oreo
matt getting AGGRESSIVELY kissed by larry
“this kiss this kiss” before geoff and jack kiss
geoff “i’m from alabama” ramsey
THIS FUCKING RANCH SEGMENT HAS ME GAGGING
jeremy “the alcohol demon the whiskey goblin” dooley
alfredo “you wont believe what the white people did today” diaz
DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS GET THAT DICK ESSENCE
wait why does it sound like wonderwall
they look like characters from the matrix
the speaking parts. make my teeth hurt
in conclusion: they weren’t kidding abt the tight pants
okay everyone get ready for eric soundboard spamming YEAH BABEY
“hi i’m from broadcast and i don’t want to be here” they represent themselves well
also, let’s take a second to appreciate broadcast here!! they have a really tough job and don’t get a ton of credit. lots of love to all of broadcast!!! you guys are awesome
i am: foreseeing problems with this eric sound board
which one is eric?? will the real eric please stand up?? was the real eric the one we found along the way??
“i’m... just really worried that i won’t ever find love-” “i really don’t care”
WHY DO THEY HAVE THAT ON THE SOUNDBOARD (what does that apply to? whatever it is you’re thinking of, but mostly “daddy wants some”)
ooh someone’s about to get a fReE tongue piercing from a pineapple
god dammit i went to the bathroom for thirty seconds and now they’re eating chad’s chest hair
owie the shock collar and belly slap look painful, but drinking natty light from a shoe? that’s a true punishment
“and this roast was brought to you by meundies”
ah yes what better way is there to end a segment than people throwing up
“man action” oh no
THROBERT MULVEINY
K A R B is blind in T W O of her eyes
“my last name is cottagecheese”
I HAVE A PIECE OF METAL SHOVED UP MY A S S
chris has somehow managed to lose 23 years of age and roughly 412 pounds
“just open throat like baby bird” who the fuck is writing this and why is it jeremy
jon. jon you’re breathing in adam’s ass fumes
a summary of this segment: ass and cottage cheese
BARB IS HERE I REPEAT BARB IS HERE
“to fitness” -starts choking-
final fitness coach: tad, here to workout your issues so they can beat you into submission
“will you buy my wet” well i don’t see that on the raffle items
we’re back folks & i’m loving this walk around segment
moonball wall and gavin&michael will soon be reunited can we get an F in the chat
jeremy getting a borderlands tattoo is very on brand
what’s extra life without a little satan
“starvation army, putting lead back into paint, increasing childhood obesity” people in chat: TAKE MY MONEY
chris “i’m doing a different hole” demarais
ah yes. the game we all play in hell: twister
nobody edit chris getting mustard shot down his throat. i’m scarred enough from the original clip
oh fuck. oh god. the mayo. oh god what the fuck is up with the misuse of condiments this year
this just in: a human soul costs roughly $12,700
D̷̯͑̆̈́͝Õ̸̲͎̥̬͈̬̙͕̲G̸̢̧̠͉͚̙̲̙̓̔̀̇S̷̥̀́͆̈́̇̀ ̶̣̞̗͚̬̭̖̦͇̈́̎̈́̿̓̈́͆̒̋D̷̙̟̩̫͉̺̐̊̚Ö̶̥́̋́̓ͅĜ̵̞̌͋̏̉̌̕͝͝S̵̤̹̣̫̮̻͛̍̑̕͝͝ ̷̧̨̞̙̥̟̜͍̉̍̑̏̇̀̾D̴̻̮̩̯͓͉̖͎̘͐̒͋̓̉͝ͅỎ̶̰͓̳̥͑̅͛͊̒͐͊͘̚G̵̩̻̦̥̠̃̔Ş̶̹͚̩̱͖̀͆͘ ̸̢̢͇̻͔̗̺̼͖̱̏̾̔̚D̴̨̨̫̙̃̾̋̾̆̓̓Ớ̷̡͓͎͊G̶̱̣̣̰̝̖̰̗̓͐̐̊͋̀͊̀̕͝Ş̷̩̺̬̖͙̺̟͗̈́͒͗̀̑́́̕͠ ̷̡͈̼̲͈̳̫̺̝̈́̋͌͗̒ͅD̸̨̬̞̪̗̘̄̑͆̿̈́͘͠͝O̸̡̡͇͕̻͎͍͉̅̌͗̄͌̑̉̔͂̎Ḡ̸͙̟̪̞̬̬͕͐̈̏S̶̝̪̼̮̠̜̭̳͖̘̑
urine: to help with aerodynamics
jon: maya, speak! maya: *the smallest arwoo*
today’s mvp: any dog. pick one. no matter which you pick, you’re right
how the fuck did blaine change back from satan so quickly
barb as a cat is... my new sleep paralysis demon
blaine: barbara speak! barbara: climate change is real
#dogsforkids
this just in: extra life killed my wifi
we’re back & kdin is in the business of killing people with spice. she is the spice queen
queue six thousand well-timed 1337 donations
HOLY SHIT THAT’S COLIN FROM WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY
hmm “questionable liquids” is very... questionable
trevor: oh there’s four of them! we all get to join in the Fuckkkk
“what’s your favorite kind of candy” “any meat”
i like pickles and i would rather rip my eyebrows off than drink the juice so i feel for trevor
the only thing worse than drinking apple cider vinegar is shooting it out of your nose
“can you feel the love tonight” “i used to and that’s the problem”
“flubs every word man” damn, really missed the chance to say captain hair
jeremy not being able to intentionally flub his words is so fucking funny
OK BOOMER
wow i can feel my blood pressure spike just watching these shots
Xavier Woods is here and he wants to know if it’s Christmas
miles doesn’t know what a question is
WHERE’S YOUR HAIR
oh no. oh no helping hands is next. everyone clear a splash zone
CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE
miles bossing around chef mike is priceless
“you leave that fucking dough on the floor”
“you wanna slam your hands down on the table” *pizza sauce goes flying everywhere*
HOEDOWN HOEDOWN HOEDOWN jesus why do i keep doing that
“If Colin Mochrie is listening, I’ll see you here next year” OH FUCK YEAH
--- this is when i take a break so my soul can return to my body (aka i have work to turn in. college will never not be a pain in my ass) ---
oh god dammit i missed all of Always Open. fuck college who needs a medical degree
so... we have some very interesting things happening in family feud and i’m not sure if i like any of them
hmm. is now the time to get drunk
oily twist feels very... ominous
what do you mean you don’t remember gandalf having a taser in lord of the rings?
someone in the chat said “big stupid sleeping thing is what my parents called me in high school”
i think i’m blacking out what’s going on i don’t remember the past two hours
ah yes. voldemort and snape having a talk show together sounds exactly like something J.K. Rowling would make a spinoff book or show or porno of
can we just talk about how much shit chris has been doing this year? what a guy. what a dude
“coldy with voldy” actually means getting knocked the fuck out cold because you only got three hours of sleep last night and you don’t want to miss chef mike and lindsay cooking
this snape poem is summarized by one phrase: “that was terrible sit the fuck down” (sorry chris)
“let’s destroy a weasley” enter chad
fucking called it
“you smell poor” i need a caffeine drip
heh the wheel spins are at 69 heh nice
i’m a grown ass woman
welcome to a section called: we torture chad for your entertainment
“who wants us to kill weasley?” *massive cheers from the audience*
“wait weasley step away from the wideshot so i can masturbate to this later”
“i’m not gonna rub my eye mom”
oh they’re really gonna kill chad on stream huh
i felt that chest slap in my soul
i think i felt my own ribs crack
oh fucking
tumblr deleted my thoughts on the fanfic section
alright. fine. brief summary: my teeth are burning
my mom lindsay is on next and i’m so excited but i’m nearing the point of loopiness so things will go downhill dramatically from here
this is my fucking fourth extra life, you would think i’d be smart enough to sleep the night before
LINDSAY LINDSAY LINDSAY THAT’S MY MOM
JEREMY JEREMY JERE- wait a second... did jeremy get taller
oH CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE
i hope Xavier comes back next year because he’s funny as fuck
m y a t t
oh god the mcdonald’s shade i’m rolling
lindsay “who’s the chef here” jones
chef mike mentioned mayo and i involuntarily gagged
chef mike clowning the big mac. i’m crying
he made the right choice with ryan bc i’ve seen his cooking stream(s) and it’s nothing if not great content
i heARD A MICHAEL JONES
“lindsay you haven’t done anything but warm up cookies so far” “yeah and?? you’re welcome”
you know that classic snack. slightly warm oreos
JEREMY THE LIQUOR GOBLIN DOOLEY IS BACK
oh god him screeching across set is making me cry laughing
why does it remind me of trevor’s voice cracks in the one minecraft ep where they’re singing the lion king
the biggest spoon for the smallest shot glass
i just realized we’re not even halfway through yet and i’m scared for the length of this list i’m gonna end up falling asleep involuntarily at some point
lindsay no your teeth are going to errode from that shot in your mouth
well timed leet donation #1829495
this gorden ramsey bit is so fucking good
jack: what do you think of the arugala? matt: i don’t even know what you said
iT’s NoT jUsT tWo CoOkIeS miCHeAL
jeremy and michael just chillin amidst the choas is exactly my demeanor at any party i’ve ever been to
lindsay scores: ryan = 7 because diet coke, matt = still eating lindsay’s meal so it’s a 10, xavier = also still eating it so it’s an 8. total: 25
“deep fry everything but a remote control”
chef mike scores: ryan = 9 for no death, matt = greens are present, words were said, score is 8. xavier = Gourmet Mcdonald’s, food is edible, score is 8. total: 25
oh fuck it’s a tie
now they fight to the death. death = doing as many shots as possible
i think we’re all going to need liver transplants after tonight
no jesus please don’t vomit oh goD oh fUc k please- oh thank god
okay i’m making a part two this is too much
#extra life 2019#i’m going for full 24 hours this year#rooster teeth#achievement hunter#jeremy dooley#michael jones#lindsay jones#jack pattillo#geoff ramsey#gavin free#ryan haywood#matt bragg#alfredo diaz#trevor collins#fiona nova#i regret everything in my life that has led to this moment
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Desperandum Victum Chapter 1
Jimin x Female Reader
Genre: Demon AU, Angst, Fluff, Smut (future chapters), Mature, Slow Burn
Warnings: The story will get really fucking dark, including themes of incest, cannibalism, rape, murder, slavery, gore, yandere, religion, and way more oof. This chapter doesn’t have anything but a subtle mention of violence lol
Word Count: 10,025
Summary: You’ve had a traumatizing hard life and you move to a new town for new beginnings. But what if this town was hiding secrets of it’s own?
A/N: Ahahahaha, I hate that it’s unedited. Let me know my mistakes fam so I can fix them. At the moment I’m setting in the story. I hope you guys read the warning! Enjoy.
It is hopelessness, even more than pain that crushes the soul-William Styron
You breathe in the brisk air. A cloud of steam encompassing your vision. From the rusted hardwood patio, you spot the large Latin cross above the ball and lantern of the church. The church stands a few blocks away from your standpoint yet is clearly visible to anyone in town glancing towards the heavens, as a sort of metonymy supposedly. Religious town folks, you gather, taking note of the polished finish of the pole compared to deteriorated timber linings of the dwellings scattered amiss. Shades of caliginous sky-blue paints your vicinity and you lead out another gust of blight. Frosty weather penetrates your sweats, making your thighs shake bitterly and your teeth chatter.
Sighing, you take one last look at the azure atmosphere and head inside; letting warmth engulf your bones. Entering the dining room, you hear the voice you’ve been avoiding all day
“Hey, you’re supposed to be helping me unpack!”
Scrunching your nose, you grab an apple off the countertop, “when’s dinner?”
“After we unpack”
Your mouth drops in horror as you eye the many boxes littered around the compact space with packing tape still intact.
“Are you serious? So next week then?”
“It’s my fault? I’ve been unpacking hours ago-most of this is your stuff anyway! And you aren’t doing anything-where were you even at?”
“Alright, alright relax,” plopping onto the floor you pull a box towards you, “stop nagging and hand me a razor”
He focuses his gaze on you, taking a moment before looking around. Observing the little beads of sweat on his forehead, courtesy the reflection of your ceiling light, a small pout presents itself on your face out of guilt. You shouldn’t have ran away to enjoy the house and helped out instead before he overworked himself again. You ignore the part of your conscious that whispers about how they weren’t there before.
A small pair of shears slide next to you and you pick it up to puncture your first box.
It’s around midnight when you complete the task of unpacking and modeling. You once over your small room and smile. Feeling at ease at the cozy looking space you jump, back first-onto your twin bed. Tepid knocks sing at your door, before the hinges creak open.
“Do you still want dinner?” He looks meek and apologetic, and you know how he worries for you. “No way,” you giggle, “I’m about to faint and I know you are too. Just go to sleep, you big goof.”
“But-“
“Oh my god Jun, it’s Sunday tomorrow, just give me a big breakfast, I’ll be fine!”
He smiles, “Alright, get to dreaming, punk”
The door shuts close and you correctly position yourself onto your pillow, pulling the warm comforter around your body and melting into the soft cushions of your bed. Cramped muscles and sore thighs from heavy items, awkward poses and tension relax and meander down from a hectic night. A window positioned right above your headboard let’s in soft moonlight through the eggshell white curtains. Your body dulls and your eyes dormant, slowly drifting your conscious elsewhere.
-
Vociferous chirping birds and a delicious aroma wafting through the entirety of your household right through your nostrils jolt you awake. Sitting up, you feel your dry mouth moisten itself. Last night’s hunger has nested itself in your guts making your craving for food more prominent. Putting a hand over your growling stomach, you throw the comforter off your legs and quickly exit your room, trudging towards the kitchen like a zombie.
Jun’s moving a spatula over a crackling non-stick pan, an unobstructed sniff lets you know the appetizing scent was bacon. “You’re up,” he smiles as you scrap a chair out near the modest pinewood dining table. 9:42 is what you sleepily eye on the clock above.
Stepping up behind you, Jun sets down a plate in front of you filled with your favorite type of eggs, toast, and crispy bacon, half wrapping you in his large frame while doing so. The fragrance from the food has you licking your lips, and Jun laughs while mussing up your bed hair. He smells really nice too.
You quickly pick up your fork digging into the entrée in front of you, as Jun pours some orange juice out in a glass.
“Whoa, slow down missy”
“am hungry”
“Ugh, and don’t talk with your mouth open” he hands you the glass that you snatch and happily gulp down in seconds
Jun grins
“Is it good?”
“It’s breakfast Jun,” you set down the container and narrow your eyes at him, “you don’t have to be Martin Yan to make it right”
“But still, saying thanks or complimenting me wouldn’t hurt,” a silly frown forms on his face as he sulks
You shoot him a cheesy smile, which dies down solemnly, “Thank you,” you mumble, “It’s been a long time since we’ve had a proper breakfast, so thank you, Jun.” Staring at him all-embracing, intently, you let your face reflect your gratitude
His gaze softens and he pulls out the chair in front of you ready to consume his side of the meal
The rest of the morning is spent in silent thoughts and steady heartbeats.
-
“Would you slow down for one second?”
You’ve been running through the streets like a little girl with Jun chasing after you. After breakfast the first thing you requested to do was go shopping. The town is too minor for several big malls, but they did have one in the town square area, which for you is like a candy store.
“Hurry up then old man!” you shout at him across the street, before running through the glass door of the large building.
To a city girl, this structure would be an average sized shopping precinct, but it was bigger than most of the town. Walking into the set of the second glass door, you take in the atmosphere of the brightly lit outlet. It’s bustling with people and families, you can already whiff Christmas although the holiday’s far off. There’s some happy tune settling in your ear, and a fresh mawkish aura from what you conclude to be a bakery on your left. Just like in the movies you surmise.
As your eyes twinkle at the new thrills, Jun catches up with you
“Goodness,” he huffs next to you with his hands on his knees, “Kids these days-“
He’s about to scold you but your eyes look so shiny, facing away from him towards the mall. He smiles.
“Alright, we have to hurry up. You have school tomorrow and I want you getting all your items and books ready. I also have to buy new pots and pans for the kitchen.”
You finally snap out of it and look at him, “Do we have to hurry? I mean can we please look around? And what about your work, don’t you have to buy some wrenches for the cars? Finding the right wrench takes a lot of time and effort,” you state as a matter of factly, “Also there’s a restaurant right by that bakery! We could have lunch here and continue shopping! No need to rush!”
Jun gazes at you rambling before he sighs, “I understand you wanna stay, but we can’t,” he gives you a pointed look, “we’re short on time and we need to get home to finish the rest of the unpacking and get you ready for your first day.”
Dejectedly you look at the ground like you’ve just been kicked. “But-” Jun begins
“We can come back here this Saturday and then you can look around as much as you want. Besides I’m making chicken Milano at home, I thought you loved that”
You perk up instantly and Jun almost laughs out loud at your easy to please nature, “Really, oh wow let’s hurry”
“Where do you want to go first”
“How about you go shop for the kitchen while I go buy some school items and clothes”
He looks uneasy at leaving you alone in an unknown place “uh..I don’t know, that doesn’t seem like a goo-“
“You said we are short on time! I’ll be fine, I’m 17 for god’s sake!”
After a bit more convincing and a credit card in hand, you cheerily skip your way through the shopping center. You find a small stationary store on the second floor of the mall. There are a few kids here, around your age and they’re probably here for tomorrow’s first day of school too. Picking up the items you deem essential, and avoiding eye contact to look like a dork, you pay and head out the store as quickly as you can. If Jun finishes his shopping beforehand, and finds you taking your time then he’s going to admonish you right in front of those kids! Entering a nearby aesthetically pleasing shop for clothes, you make it inside to search around for items you like.
You didn’t want them to be expensive. It’s all Jun’s money anyway. And some of the prices before almost gave you a heart attack. Maybe you should get a part time job, you ponder, then Jun wouldn’t have to worry about your expenses and you can take care of them yourself. Mentally high-fiving yourself at the genius idea, you head towards a rack that says clearance in the back of the store.
Your hands glide across the fabrics, attempting to seize something that catches your eye. When you do find something you like, you take it off the rack and give it a once over. It’s a cute red blouse that’s not bad for $8. Humming to yourself, you place it over your forearm and continue looking through the section.
Concluding your purchase with a top and bottom, you leave the shop in a satisfied manner. This’ll do for tomorrow’s big day. Next Saturday is when you will continue your genuine consumerism. You make your way downstairs to wait for Jun, that way you can tease him for being late. Making certain to take note of all the slight areas that catch your eye, to come back to on Saturday.
-
It’s been 10 minutes. You never considered yourself as an impatient person, but the excitement from having new items to entertain yourself with was challenging you to run home this instant. That and you were hungry.
Being so lost in thought you didn’t even realize there’s someone gradually wandering up by you.
“Hello”
“Whaa?!” You flinch gawking at the woman who crept up on you
She was smiling at you. Amused at your conduct, she chuckles
“My name is Joan Miller. Are you new here by chance? I have personally never seen you around our town?”
You give her a proper look. The lady was a bit taller than you and had small, bobbed blonde hair framing her jaw. There were smile lines around her mouth and in the corner of her eyes, but she didn’t look older than 40. She was wearing a black pant suit that was thoroughly ironed, not a wrinkle in sight, with an off white, button up blouse and thin blue stripes and velvet charcoal pumps. Holding a small black book inside her arms across her chest, she beamed at you with her eyes as crescents. There was something off about her smile, but you budged that assumption aside, not wanting to criticize a person you didn’t know.
“Um…Hi…Yeah, we just moved in yesterday in the old homes a few blocks from the church” You were nervous and not used to talking to strangers, even nice ladies like her, but you give her your name hesitantly
“I see, what a lovely name, and how enjoyable to see a fresh face in FallHaven,” Joan answers warmly, “Are you here with your parents, sweetheart?”
“She’s here with me,” Jun replies, and you flinch yet again
How come people are so good at sneaking up on you? You should work on that.
Joan smiles at Jun and reaches her hand out, for the typical adult greeting. Jun responds as he takes her hand and stretches her a pleasant smile as they give each other their names. He had shopping bags on the sides of his leg, cumbersome components he had to set down to accept hands with the blonde lady.
“If you do not mind me inquiring, where have you settled in from? Am I correct to assume you two are related in some way?” Joan asks
“That’s quite a few questions you’re asking” Jun states bluntly as you stare half shocked at him
Joan doesn’t skip a beat “It is a description in my job, young man.” She laughs a bit before stating “I represent Fallhaven Baptist church as one of their board members, and I am attempting to recruit young people such as you both.”
She turns and points to the stall behind her. It’s a modest table, with white cloth draped over it. There’re two poles at the edges of the table that connect a correspondingly snowy banner that read ‘FallHaven Baptist Church’ in blue. Two men await by the stand, with Joan like smiles on their faces, waving at you in a friendly manner. Joan waves back at them.
You and Jun meet eyes for a mutual look.
Turning to Jun again she completes her answer, “So you see, I want to know you individuals better, lest you join our humble commodity”
“Well um…,” Jun awkwardly coughs, “We’re pretty short on time at the moment-”
He pauses for Joan to interrupt the phrase like most do, but she patiently waits for him to finish his sentence
“…which is why we can’t talk much about it right now.”
She nods, “I understand, you both are quite busy with the recent events surrounding your move. Then I will not take up your time any longer, but may I hand you our brochure, if you might to revise your decision?” taking out a pamphlet behind her black book, she extends it towards Jun
You prepare for him to decline, as he stares blankly at the leaflet, but instead he gazes up at you for a moment before he shifts back at the woman to accept the brochure and thank her, catching you off guard
“Thank you for your kind welcome…we’ll definitely look into it”
You stare at him with your mouth agape as you hear Joan exchange some more polite words and an affable farewell
She turns to do the same to you, and you hastily adjust your gape to a ducky smile in the nick of time.
-
“Wow, they offer confessionals, perfect for you to profess about the time you stole my portion of the Chinese leftovers in the middle of the night”
“Can you ple-ase shut up?!” you complain for about the fifth time
He’s been scanning the brochure and making snarky comments the whole time you’ve been heading home.
“Hey, I’m just saying it’s a great way for you to erase your sin” he grins
“Why’d you even take the pamphlet, Jun? I get it, you don’t believe in god. Was it just to make sassy comments?”
When he doesn’t respond, you turn your face to him and he’s wordlessly focusing ahead, seeming adrift in thought.
You always marvel of what goes on in his mind.
“You do though, right? Believe in god that is” He starts
You nod mutely.
His orbs fix on you, and you blush at the amount of intensity you can spot in his spheres.
“You told me you believe in him, after I told you I don’t. Saying he gave you hope…I-We never had the luxury to examine someone like him completely since there was not a day that our lives were composed. But now they are. We’re calmly advancing towards our house, and not that horrid place we once dreaded coming home to. So why shouldn’t we take our time to learn about him now, see what all the fuss is about. It’s a fresh beginning and so we should keep our minds,” he winks, “and hearts open, no?”
Taking it all in, you close your eyes, feeling overwhelmed but not willing to show him so. For so long, all you’ve wanted is for Jun to have a peaceful conscious and it looks like here, it’s finally possible. God would help you two together.
But then you frown as you recall something, “Is it really that? Or is it that Joan lady?”
Jun becomes greatly confused, taking a moment to process what you said
“…what?”
You furrow your eyebrows at him, “Did you think I didn’t see? You shook her hand for way too long! And what was up with you ogling her?
“What the hell are you talking about? She’s a way older woman and she’s not my type, I like mine sexier not that she wasn’t sexy bu-”
“That’s disgusting!” You gasp, before crossing your arms and storming off ahead of him
“Wait come back I was joking! Where did this even come from?!” He desperately shouts, running after you with all the bags from the mall tangled around his limbs
-
After dinner you had offered to wash the dishes. Jun had seen right through you wanting to abscond the rest of the minor unpacking by doing the dishes, but he let it slide. Scrubbing and rinsing through the pots and pans, you hummed your favorite lullaby as a kid. The one Jun always serenaded you to sleep with. He was in the hindquarters rummaging around in his room with his door closed. Your room was just before his, on the other side of the narrow hallway.
When the last dish was in the rack, you threw down your rubber gloves onto the marble countertop next to the sink and booked it to your room. Baggage was pleasantly placed on the edge of your bed, untouched. You got giddy, feeling like they were presents. It was 9:30 pm, and Jun said he wanted you in bed by 10. Tsk, he still treats you like a child. Searching through your stationary, you start setting your backpack for tomorrow. FallHaven high school was the second largest building, after the church, in the town and you were agitated. I mean it’s a small place, and everyone probably knows one another since grade school. How is a newbie like you gonna fit in?
You get to your wardrobe and find the school uniform you had picked up before you even stepped into your new house, hanged and neatly ironed. Curiously, you pick it up and inspect it closely. It was the typical school uniform, with a navy-blue blazer, a bright bleached white button-up shirt, and a green plaid skirt. What was different though, was the attachable thin black ribbon around the collar, and as you picked it up with your fingers, you could see ‘FallHaven’ inscribed on the end of one side in yellow thread.
From the bottom of your closet, you pick up the only two pairs of shoes you own. A worn-out duo of sneakers, and the feminine flats Jun had gotten you for your birthday last year. Shit, you should’ve bought a pair of shoes rather than anything else. Choosing the flats and crew socks you quickly disrobe to put on your get-up. Tying the ribbon was impossible, so you just let it fall to each side of your collar. Walking up to the body mirror in the right corner of your room, you do a few twirls in place to check yourself out.
“Would you look at that”
You shriek as you hear someone behind you. There Jun stands with a smirk on his face, leaning into your entranceway with his hands in his sweat’s pockets. His tank top was drenched in sweat and his wet black hair fell over his brows. The exposing sleeves made you see how much his arms had grown, musclebound limbs taking up most of the capacity of your irises.
“Y-you scared me!”
“You scared me!” He responds with that stupid grin, “Look how cute you look, like a total princess”
“Oh, my g-god, you’re so embarrassing! Leave immediately!” You yell out with a red face, not bearing to consider his proactive display
“Not until I take a picture of you first! Where’s my camera?”
“NOOO!!” you run and push your door into the entryway to kick him out of view, but he pushes back
“Heyyy, don’t be shy, you look so great maybe I should keep you all to myself tomorrow,” He laughs
You feel your face burning up as you struggle to push the door
“Stupid! You’re so stupid! Go away”
“Alright, Alright,” he surrenders, letting go of the door and having it smacked in his face
Locking your door, you jump cranium first onto the bed-who’s springs squeak and grate
“So, I can’t even give you a compliment?” You could hear the teasing in his voice
“Shut up you big goof! Are you playing ‘Let’s see how annoying I can be’ suddenly?”
“I love you too, your majesty! Goodnight!” Jun brings his mocking to an end and you auscultate him walking away in the direction of the kitchen.
And even after getting changed into your pajamas, stealthily avoiding Jun by rushing into the shared bathroom and brushing your teeth, and placidly getting into your bed and pulling up the covers; you could still sense embers of feverous happiness crawling upon your neck,
“I love you goof, goodnight”
-
“Get up or you’ll be late!” Jun shouts
“Mmm five more minutes” You rotate to the side and pull your blanket around tighter
“Are you crazy? School starts in 45 minutes! Get up now!” he hauls the comforter off you and you fall of the bed on your derrière.
“Ooowww” you whine in your drowsy condition, while rubbing your butt
“Perfect, now hurry up and get dressed so we can have breakfast together, and remember the walk to school is 15 minutes”
He leaves the room, with his pink frilly apron on and spatula in hand while you crawl out after him towards the bathroom
After urinating, flossing, washing your face, fixing your hair and all that good stuff you put on your uniform in your room. You take a moment to sit on by your practically empty dresser, and once over your face. You’ve never been a makeup person, not because you didn’t want to be, but because life didn’t allow you to. There used to be this pink lip gloss you had as a child, that you really cherished however.
Even though you don’t desire it, fragments of an ancient memory arises in your vision,
The broken handheld was the only image of yourself you had. It was shattered and missing from the bottom, with a huge crack displayed in the center of the whole mirror. The broken side had begun to rust, and it was slowly raising its way towards the rest of the glass. Your tiny hand didn’t care though, holding it up to your face as you carefully applied the gloss on your lips, just like she does.
You hear another crash from outside the dark room, this one louder than the previous ones and it makes you quickly hide under your blanket on the floor while you breathe heavily. Closing your eyes, you try and think happy thoughts.
After some yelling and another crash, the door opens, before shutting again. You’re petrified by now and shaking in your spot, making the whole blanket vibrate.
“Hey,” someone puts their hand on your head over the blanket, “It’s alright”
It’s Jun
You take off the cover and grab onto him, “I-I tried thinking happy thoughts, b-b-but it didn’t work, I’m sorry” you snuggle onto his torso, your miniature body fitting completely in his larger frame
“No need to apologize princess, you didn’t do anything wrong” Jun pats your head to comfort you, with his other hand draped around you
He was stick skinny, and you could feel his ribs as you rubbed against his chest,
“Let me see your face” He asks you gently
You move off him to provide a view of your face. The room was shadowy, but there was a small window on the right wall lighting up the area moderately.
“Whoa, you look like royalty, why’re you so pretty?” He exaggerates his expression of surprise making you giggle
You clutched onto the gloss container inside your fist, afraid he’ll take it away if he found it
Jun solemnly places a digit on the purple under your eye, and you flinch slightly
“Does it still hurt?” He whispers
You give him a big smile, not insecure to show him your missing baby teeth “No! I like it”
“It looks like that paint those girls put on in the tv!” you beam
Jun gives you an unrecognizable look, putting his head on top of yours. You feel him start to shake and notice the gash on his shoulder, flaky skin ripped around the limb, as if someone stabbed him with something sharp and twisted the object in his flesh before ripping it off
“You’re too pure for this place-”
You jolt out of it as Jun shouts your name
“Coming!” You shout back, getting up and nabbing your backpack to swing around your shoulder
“What were you doing for 25 minutes?” Jun interrogates from the kitchen as soon as your steps become apparent on the wooden fabric of the dining room, with his back in view. He’s messing with something, but you pay no mind to it
“Where’s the food” You ignore his question
“Is it not on the table, cause I’m sure I put it on the table, the one with the food on it, that table right in front of you, with the food, you know th-”
“Okay, Okay, oh my god,” you say with a mouth full of toast, having already sat down to consume the jellied bread while he made his sarcastic remarks
“When are you going to work” you ask him
“At 9, I’ll be home by 4 alright?”
“Mmm” you respond with a mouthful of OJ
He appears out of the kitchen and plants a lunch box in front of you and smiles, putting his hand on each side of his hips
“…There’s no way I’m taking that” His smile fades
“Why not?!”
“Jun, they told you they offer lunch! All the other kids probably eat at the cafeteria, I’m not gonna bring this and look like a mommy’s girl or something!”
Jun seems offended and puts his hand over his chest, just to show you how offended he was, “I can’t believe you care about what other people think, rather than me, who lovingly made this lunch for you! I even made bunny apples!”
You scream out of terror “ARE YOU CRAZY?! Do you want me to look like I’m 5?
“Maybe I do! At least you were nicer than and didn’t insult my food THAT I LOVINGLY MADE FOR YOU!”
“You are so childish! Eat the lunch yourself!”
“I already made one for myself thank you very much, maybe you should learn to make food for YOURSELF!”
“MAYBE I WILL!”
“FINE THEN!”
“FINE THEN!”
You grab your bag and storm out the front door, slamming it shut.
-
You finally notice the evidence of rain as you stepped in your 6th puddle and zone out of your subconscious. It must’ve been pouring last night. Argh, I should really be careful with these shoes till Saturday, you internally scold yourself, moving to the barren side of the road.
Your guilt however justifies that you sort of deserve it, for being so mean to Jun. Sighing, you reflect on how he got up extra early to make you lunch and feel even worse. You hated fighting with him, and it wasn’t a usual occurrence, so happening on the first day of school gives you a bad premonition. Why couldn’t you just take it and hide it in your bag to spare his feelings? And you love bunny apples, so what’s the big deal? But you also wish he’d stop treating you like a child.
It’s not about the lunch box, but rather every time he says he misses when you were younger. As if you’ve changed so much, he doesn’t recognize, doesn’t see…doesn’t like you anymore.
You hate it.
Before you know it, your ears detect the sound of other kids in the near distance. Perking your head off the ground, you see students in similar uniforms heading toward the large open front gate of the school.
Ok, just act normal, act normal, act normal. No one must know you’re a freshie, you’ll be fine.
Their necks snag your attention suddenly. All of them had perfect ribbon tied bows on their collars, while you just droopily looped your ribbon together once.
“Great,” you mumble, so much for not looking out of place
Making it to the front gate, you turn to see the building you saw Saturday. You’re in admiration again, and those same butterflies appear in your gut. It’s a large red-bricked school, with white decorative foundation linings, and a beautiful white roof cresting. A large mansard gable sits at the head of the building, adorned with fish scale shingles. There was a small religious cross finial at the edge of the top, and hooded windows on each side of the front of the structure, and one in the face of the roof. The school was well thought out and stunning.
You take a deep breath, before walking to the open double doors. There’s a man that stands right in front of the entrance of the school’s hallway. Towering over you as you pass him, you give him a little good morning and he nods at you. He’s eminently pale and has deep dark circles under his lifeless eyes. His hair is matted against his large square head, and he garbs like he’s going to a funeral. Not a good start, you contemplate.
“Okay, first period calculus, room 306,” you whisper to yourself as your feet guide you along the stairs to the third floor and the polished tile hallway
302, 304, oh there it is! You stop right in front of the chocolate door of the math class. This is it, you raise your sweaty palms toward the knob, here you go. A chance at a normal life, a new outset, a bett-
“Are you not gonna go in?”
Startled you bounce back with a yelp, hand motionless in mid-air. When you manage to locate the cause of your sudden scare, your jaw almost drops to the floor.
The first thing you see is red hair. Silky, beautiful red tresses, enclosing the fair face of a young boy about your age. Handsome was an understatement. He possessed deep, penetrating monolids, with the illuminated hallway polishing beneath his somber orbs. His plump doll-like lips seemingly out of place to his otherwise masculine features; the fuchsia hue expensing his labium’s canvas making him look softer, younger. The portrayed youth extended by his chiseled jaw line, and his skin’s flawless artistry with not a blemish in sight. Someone like this must be hand carved by the devil himself.
His vibe is inimitable, unlike anyone’s you’ve perceived before. Hands in his pockets, callous attitude, unshakeable posture, all of it reminds you of those bad boys in the 70’s flicks. He demands attention so effortlessly, and when he slightly shifts his otherwise immobile head to the side, is when you realize the fact that you’ve been gawking at him shamelessly.
“H-huh?”
“I asked if you were gonna go in or not”
“Oh, umm yes o-of course,” you hastily grab the knob and bare the entry way open for him, so awkwardly that you’re trapped behind the door while he walks in, not giving you another glance
You cringe internally at your stupidity while walking into the classroom. You were nervous that everyone was gonna glower at you, but you notice that the few kids filling up the classroom had their eyes on the guy who entered before you. He was walking en route to the back of the room by the window. Not wanting to draw any awareness at your person, you took that time to quietly go sit in the desk in the middle of the room.
The classroom was brightly lit, yet not to the point of straining and suffocating the students. Looking at your feet, you see the floor sustained by mini dim white tiles, and the clean desks were a soft tan, each one separated a few inches from the other. Forward was a huge clean white board, with an enlarged welcome back written in black ink. It was so different from your old school, where the desks contained carved slurs, so you could barely write on them and the walls grew dark yellowed mold. Teachers wouldn’t even show up days at a time. You were in awe at the smallest things.
Sitting there absentmindedly, you watched the room start to fill in. After about 10 minutes, the capacity of the seats was complete, and students had begun conversing with one another. Fidgeting the slightest in your seat, you wished to one day be a part of one of the kids chatting since you never had many friends before. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw a girl to your right staring at you with her hand held up by her jaw. She’s probably just curious about if she’s seen you around before or not. You hoped she’d come strike up a conversation after class.
That’s when the bell rang making you sit up straight.
A minute later, in strolled a chubby instructor in a tan suit holding a large binder in his dextral arm
“Good morning,” he enounces, gathering his material by his table in the front
“Good morning Mr. Doug” the class replies in a faulty unison
The instructor makes small talk, and a joke that cracks up a few students in the first row. It seems like he already knows most of the schoolchildren, at least everyone in this class. There were around 200 kids in the whole school, so you wouldn’t put it past him. You were so grateful that this was everyone’s first day back from summer, and you didn’t randomly come here in the middle of the semester.
“Alright, as you all know this is your final schoolyear, I’ll explain what you can learn from this class and calculus in general” Mr. Doug unfolded his binder
As he’s about to talk again, the door expands open. It was a long-legged, extremely attractive man. He stepped into the room and bowed at your teacher. His elongated black coat making him look graceful and expensive. Then he turned towards the class, looking over you at someone behindhand,
“Master Jimin,” He spoke in a deep, respectful voice, striding past you making everyone’s head follow him, “I’m glad I found you, my apologies for not keeping up with your speed” he bows intensely with his hands folded on his thighs, at the good-looking boy you had met outside. “Jimin” doesn’t say anything, he glances at him, then back at Mr. Doug
“Start the lesson” the red head voices, in the same apathetic tone he used with you
“Oh! Yes, right away,” Mr. Doug scrambles to get back to his practice after the abrupt interruption
The remainder of the class goes smoothly, with you having some informative handouts by the time the dismissal bell resonates. Suddenly the room goes silent, and you become confused as to why they’re so still, when you hear the chair of someone behind you screech and two pairs of footsteps come your way. As soon as Jimin is in your line of sight, everything starts going in slow motion.
Fleeting past you, he turns his head back to look at you. Out of nowhere you feel a spur of sparks underneath your skin, and the ambience converts into fire. You let out a loud gasp and gripe the material cloth around your chest. Perspiration appears on your brow and your breathing is heavy, you turn to look back at Jimin, bewildered and frightened at the pain you just caressed; to see him no longer looking at you…but not moving either. The black coat man is standing right behind him, just his coat in your perception. Jimin stands there with the back of his red head in your orbs. You’re unable to see his expression, but you don’t need to as he starts walking again, up and out of the classroom with that cold mask on his face and black coat man trailing.
Though you’re certain you peeked a frown on his ethereal features.
When you look around the room again, everyone had their eyes on you. Some look just as surprised as you, others were disordered. Even Mr. Doug gave you a strange face. You feel strangely exposed…and a sense of danger looms in the corner of your gut. Bit by bit, people get back to their business, gather their belongings and empty the classroom one by one, and sadly the girl who stared at you at the start doesn’t come up to you as you watch her walk out the door. Hiding your disappointment, you grab your things to head to your 2nd period class.
What happened in that room doesn’t vacate your mind for a second.
-
By the end of third period, it’s lunch time. The one thing you were dreading the most. You’ve watched movies, you know that the new student sits by themselves and watches all the other kids interact all noisily. Then suddenly the bully comes up and makes fun of the new kid and the whole lunch room laughs! Oh no. Biting your lip, you rigidly walk down the hallway until you enter the vast cafeteria.
You were right, it was noisy.
Kids took up the whole room, laughing and playing loudly. Boys making dumb jokes and girls leaning in whispering to each other, lost in their own world. Faded blue circular lunch tables accompanied the bright chalky chamber. Toward the end of the room, you spot a glass door that led to the outside, with more circular islands inhabiting the softly cemented pavement. That’s where you wanted to be. As quick as you can, you step up to the line for the lunch, left of the entrance. Grabbing a tray, you trace the person in front of you filling up your tray with items that you found pleasing
Contrary to the movies, the food looked delicious. Fancy school privilege maybe. There wasn’t even a “lunch” at your old school. You watch the person in front of you pay for his share of the meal and walk off and that’s when it hits you.
You don’t have money.
The fight with Jun had made you storm out in a rush, forgetting to ask him for change. He probably wasn’t gonna give you any anyway. You stand there, motionless; staring at nothing, while you feel the eyes of the cashier and the rest of the people in line, on you. Why do these things happen to you? What’re you going to do? You want to put your food back, but this doesn’t seem like the type of place you could do that without repercussions, especially social ones. Your worst nightmare is all at once coming true
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, n-
All of a sudden, someone puts a $5 bill on the section of your empty tray. You whip your head at them, wide-eyed, recognizing the familiar face.
It’s the girl from class…the one that caught your attention infirst period.
She smiles, “I got you, don’t worry”
You didn’t want to take her money, so you open your mouth to decline, but she slightly encouraged you up to the registrar with her palm, with a slight laugh. Paying with a heavy heart, you marginally move off the line to give the girl your thanks after she pays for her meal.
“Hey,” she greets you when she turns to see you obviously waiting for her
“Hi, umm-I’m so sorry you had to pay I’ll pay you back-it’s just I forgot my money because I was in a rush seriously I’m such an idiot”
“Okay, whoa slow down,” she giggles, “Come on let’s go sit first” She takes your arm in hers and you stiffen from shock at skin ship. Like stated, you never had many friends. And by many, you mean you only had one. No, it wasn’t Jun.
She leads you past the lunch tables, through the glass doors to reveal an abundant atrium with cherry blossom trees, a checkered polished bluestone pavement, and open canvas windows in the surrounding building. The top sections of the building were surrounded by a terrace like roof, unlike the front of the school. They were closed off by a pointy white fence. It was beautiful.
“Holy fuck” you whispered, bending your neck to take every single detail in
“Right?” the girl snickers “I had the same reaction.” She sits you down in one of the empty lunch tables.
The girl had mid length caramel brown coils softly springing with her every movement. Her sepia soaked skin gleamed in the sunlight. Thin rimmed glasses sat on her nose, at the edge of which a small, unnoticeable mole resided. Irises were soaked in amber, alluring anyone who welcomed them with their own.
“Thank you once again,” you make out
She just angles her head to the side and gives you a wink, while you blush. Are all the students of this school magically hot?
Trying to focus elsewhere, you notice there weren’t a lot of people around, which had you bewildered. Why did they eat indoors rather than this fascinating space? Something was wrong.
“Umm, are we allowed out here?” you ask the stranger who’s already digging into her tray
“Well, technically you aren’t,” she says with a mouth full of sausage, “but I am” reaching into her shirt, she pulls out an id badge, “I’m with the honors society, and I can bring up to two people with me if I need.”
Underneath her name, which you now knew as Candace Angevin, in bold yellow ink stated ‘FallHaven Honor’s Society Pass Level B’
“Pass level b?”
“It means I’m permitted in some areas of the building most students aren’t. There’s pass level’s A, the most restrictive and pass level S, with that you can go literally anywhere. This school is a maze with tons of secret rooms, probably because it’s connected to the monastery”
“MONASTERY?!” You gasp
“You didn’t know? This town’s popularity is for that sole reason! See this side of building?” she points at the side away from the entrance “that part attaches to a far-flung horizontal structure, which leads to the back of the church”
Your mouth hangs open
She laughs out loud “It only leads to it, it’s not connected! But yeah, it’s built like that on purpose”
“Why?”
“There’s a tower in the middle”
At that exact moment, a quick breeze arises through the atmosphere, making you equally shiver slightly
“…A tower?”
“It’s called the angel’s tower and it’s a sacred place of prayer, for some of the higher-ups…some say around 120 years ago, an angel landed in that abandoned watch tower, with a grave warning to the village’s inhabitants. Apparently, babies were stillborn, disease plagued the town and crimes were at their peak. The famine was so great that some people had resorted to…cannibalism of their own kids”
You gulp and look at your tray of food, not very hungry anymore.
“But after that angel showed up, he gave the village folk a vision. With a major cautioning. It completely cured all their problems, and now FallHaven is the small yet profitable town it is today. That’s the reason everyone and their mothers here are so religious. Did you notice the absence of women in this town? Most of them live in the Monastery, to serve god and that angel”
“Wow…I can’t believe it”
“That’s cause it’s not true” she replies mischievously
“WHAT”
She laughs again “I mean I don’t know if it is. There are 9 different versions of this rumor, this is just the most popular one”
“Tsk” you pout picking up your fork
“Hey, I can’t help it if you’re too easy to fool hehe, what’s your name by the way hun”
You tell her your name while slurping on your noodles, “It’s nice to meet you Candace, I really am gonna pay you back”
“Shit don’t worry about it. I helped you out because I wanted to. Once upon a time I was in your position”
“You forgot your lunch money?”
“No, silly” she gets up from her side of the table and sits right by you, “I was a new student two years ago” She takes your ribbon in her hand, looping and tying the thin stable fabric around your neck appropriately. “There” she goes
You stroke your ribbon and smile. It feels exactly how hers is displayed.
“Thank you”
-
“Yes!” you shout reaching into your room and jumping on the warm cotton heaven that was your bed. “Mmm, I never wanna leave you again,” you muffle into the sheets
Hasteningly, you remove your shoes and socks, tingling your feet around. With the same energy you remove the heavy blazer and loosen your ribbon. Rotating in the bed so your eyes face the ceiling, you take in a breath and gleam. What a wonderful day!
Today went so, so much better than your brain made it seem like it would. You actually got to study, the teachers seemed all nice. Your history teacher told you a story about her cats, your sixth period teacher had donuts for the students, and there’s even a volleyball team you want to join in. And most importantly, you made a friend! Your very first official friend! Oh how exciting!
You told her about Joan and joining the church, which it turns out she’s already a member of! This way you can see her throughout the week a bit more. Being so happy makes your whole body flounder on the mattress, which eventually leads you to hitting the soles of your feet on the side rail, hard.
“Ow!” you scream, sitting up and applying pressure on the pain.
That’s when you recollect your first class, the pain you felt on that desk…the raging fire ripping your skin apart from your muscles…What was that? It happened when that Jimin guy looked at you.
Jimin…
Candance had told you about him. His name was Park Jimin and he was some kind of royalty and lived in the mansion in Votum Valley, which is located east of the school. It’s a hill-side area connected to FallHaven, where some rich people live.
“If you think this school is pretty, you should see Votum valley”
“What was up with that black coat guy” you ask her, gathering your things to leave lunch
“That’s his assigned special guard, all the three royalties have one. The school lets them do whatever, since they’re the main donors. You know how that stuff works. They could get teachers fired and fried, if they wished”
“There’s three of them?”
“Basically, they aren’t hard to spot, but one of them skips school relentlessly and the other is gone for the week on a special trip. They are a huge deal on campus, like have you seen their faces? It’s funny because all three of them hate each other and avoid the other at all cost”
Walking along the corridor to your next classes she becomes solemn “Hun…what happened in the morning with Jimin?”
“I don’t know! That was so strange, I was so confused. He looked at me and everything became painful,” you reply, shaking at recalling the incident
You both stop at an intersection where you had to part, she gives you a concerted look
“Just be careful alright? They’re all dangerous and it’s not a good idea to get involved with them”
“Dangerous, huh?”
You stare at your foot, lost in thought, when the front door opens. That’s most likely Jun.
Tipping to the edge of your entryway, you peak at the entrance and watch him take off his shoes. His hair’s a mess and he had black marks on his gray jumpsuit and hands. Your heart feels a pang. When he has his back towards you, putting his shoes on the shoe shelf, you quietly step up behind him and engulf his broad shoulders in a hug
“…Hi”
“Hey…rough day?
“Not really,” he sighs, “It’s the same work it was in that place. But better too.”
Peaking at the petty incisions on his fingers, you let out a heavy exhale.
“I’m sorry” You mush your face into his back
“Me too,” he turns and gives you a gentle smile, before mussing up your hair, “I shouldn’t have been so childish”
“No, I was the one!” you stop him, “it’s just that…Jun this is my first time at a normal high school. There’re actual people there! I’ve never…even once…” you shut your eyes, “…I just don’t want to mess this up, and my brain is telling me all these crazy things an-”
“Hey, Hey, hey,” he cups your teary face, “it’s okay, I understand…better than anyone…and since your lunch is still in the kitchen, now I won’t have to make dinner”
You smile in his palms “You’re such a goof”
He laughs and moves towards his room “I spoke with Joan today” he shouts back at you
You didn’t like hearing her name so casually from his mouth “Joan?”
“Yeah, that church lady,” he turns to you, “I’m serious about joining that church you know. Almost everyone in town is a member, and this is a good thing to build some friendships in the community. She’s asked us to come talk to the head board member this Saturday.”
“This Saturday? What about the shopping?”
“We can do both princess, don’t worry,” he winks, “now get dressed, we’re gonna go buy some fresh produce from the farmer’s market before they officially close for the season. Uncle Alp recommended it. I’m gonna go take a shower”
He walks into his room and you sigh. Moving to a novel town is such hard work
“Well, if uncle Alp recommended it”
-
A secular section in the center of the town had a detachable farmers market installed for the season. Summer was officially over next week, so this was the last day the farmers would contribute crops for the year. You and Jun wandered around through many colorful umbrellas and stalls. The fruits and vegetables were way larger than you’ve seen in grocery stores and uplifting. There were a few stands selling homemade items, such as jam or achar bottles. People crowded the center on the last day of the market, and every alleyway was jammed with products. The nearby shops were also getting attention, and everyone was loud and boisterous.
“How much is a carrot,” Jun asked, holding up the orange stick. He had already bought a bunch of other veggies and fruits and had a cloth bag full of them. Before leaving the house, he kept bragging about how he always came prepared because of said bag.
“$1 per pound,” shouted the heavy-set older man, in a gruntled tone while helping other customers in the rush
“A whole dollar!? Did you lose it? Have you seen your carrots? One of them could easily be 3 pounds”
“Then that’s like 3 carrots! Where’s the problem?”
You rolled your eyes and backed away from them arguing. You were about to step away altogether when-
“Look out!”
Suddenly a small white ball of fluff started roaring towards you and you screamed and hid behind Jun. The small ball started yapping right in front of Jun, while he laughed, and you held him in front of you as a shield.
“Hey little guy”
“Oh no I am so sorry!” you peek behind Jun to see a 30 year-old man in a white panama hat push through the crowd and face Jun. He bends down to pick up the monster and it turns out to be a little dog
“I am so sorry,” the man says again in a thick accent, “my mojo is very hyper, but he’s harmless!”
“It’s not a big deal,” Jun smirks, “I have someone like that myself,” he grabs you from behind with his arm and drapes you to his side
“You are very pretty miss! I’m sorry my dog scared you,” Says the man in white
“Thank you and it’s alright” you blush
“My name is Hector from Spain, and I am here with my crew!” Just then, a few other men holding camera, lights and other gadgets appear from the crowd, “we are here shooting the beauty of FallHaven!”
“Hello, Hector from Spain my name is Jun, and this is ____,” Jun reaches out his hand for a shake and Hector gladly obliges, “Why’d you choose FallHaven so far from home?
“Oh, my father came here when I was once a boy! He was in a scout of missionary men invited by the head of the church, he loved it here so much and always talk of it. After an illness, he had to move back to Spain and now that he’s in the last stages of his life I want to document the life and style he saw here and show it to everyone home!
“That’s amazing, your father would be so happy”
“I’d think so too, would you both like to be in my documentary?”
“Oh, we’d love to,” Jun scratches the back of his head, “but we aren’t really FallHaviens yet. We just relocated here three days ago.”
“Marvelous! How do you like it here so far?”
Hector introduces his crew and talks to Jun for a while. You stare at the messy little Pomeranian in the man’s arms and how it kept getting reckless. His petite legs kept flopping everywhere, trying to get loose. You hoped it wouldn’t run off again.
But looks like the world never listens to you and it jumps off Hector, barking and running into the crowd.
“Oh no not again” Hector shouts, and you all sprint after it. You end up getting separated from Jun in the immense crowd, but you are too focused on looking for the little dog on the ground. All you see are people’s limbs, so you huff and look around the atmosphere. In the spur of the moment, you spot a small ball type figure moving in one of the alleyways, making you rush towards it.
“Mojo?” you call once you’re in the alley, “here doggy”
Silence
You call it a few more times wondering around the passage with your hands cupped around your mouth. Bending to investigate small nooks and crannies, you expected to see shaky white fur, but there was nothing in sight expect a few bugs, which creeped you out.
Frustrated, you turn to step out the way you originated when you jump and let out a yelp.
There was an old lady standing at the spot you came in at the edge of the alleyway, just staring at you.
At a lost for words, you gaze at her, a bit too aware of how alone you were in the empty lane. The day’s become a bit dimmer, yet you can still make out her emergence.
She’s so old the skin of her cheeks is drooping down her face. Wrinkles swallow her skin, and her lips have protruded into her mouth long ago. Her stature’s short and stubby and her head is covered by a silk bandana tied to her chin. The hair peeping out of her bandana is slicked back, aged white, and looks fizzed.
Yet what really scares you is how full of life she looks. Her lips are hauled into a straight line, and her eyes are opened so wide, it looks like they’ll pop out of her skull. They have an immense hold on you and you’re terrified by her glare. She doesn’t even blink.
“I-is…Is everything okay ma’am,” you say quietly, shaking in your spot. She doesn’t respond.
Did I do something wrong you wonder
“Um-are you lost?” You take a minute to look around the alleyway, maybe her family’s nearby and she wandered off
But no one’s around, not even a kid. You were sure there were people here when you came in. The path had become darker, and it looked like here were dark clouds lining the sky, when you remember the sunny nature of the market just a while ago. It was eerie and strange. Your heart was beating in your ears.
Sighting silence, you turn back to face the woman and scream. She’s closer. So close, that the tip of your shoes is almost touching her bare toes. Looking at you through huge eyes, she stands as still as a statue in your space.
“Um-uh…ma’a-” You start stuttering before she grabs your wrist. You shriek at her sudden action and try to pull your hand away. Her fingernails are long and grimy, yellow and chipped, stabbing into your wrist with outstretched force. She tightens her grip as you struggle, and you feel tears clouding your eyes.
“Ha-saw-tawn ‘ohebh `azab zo'th e-rets” She speaks in a foreign tongue, with a menacingly measured voice which displays her rotten black tines
“Please stop,” you cry, trying to pry off her grasp with your other hand. But she’s too strong, and your wrist feels like it’ll crack in two. You’re full out balling right now, scared to death as she keeps repeating her sentence
“Ha-saw-tawn ‘ohebh `azab zo'th e-rets”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” Jun barges into your vision and pulls the old lady off you. Quickly discarding her to the side he steps up worriedly to your horrified face. He eyes you holding your wrist and gently places his hand on yours to silently ask you to let him see, he could feel you quivering as soon as he touches you.
You take your hand off to reveal a hard-red bruise forming around your wrist. “Fuck” Jun mutters. He places a finger on it and you wince, making him livid. You see his enraged face turn in the direction of the old woman still standing there with the same manifestation. Balling his fist, he makes a step towards her, when you clutch onto the back of his shirt.
“P-please let’s g-go,” you say through tears. Jun looks back at you with tenderness, but doesn’t move his stance, so you say it again
“Please”
He physically deflates and closes his eyes to gather his thoughts. Taking you under his left arm, he guides you away from the place, trying not to make eye contact with the old woman because that’ll make him furious. Leaning into him, you shut your eyes to shut out her face mentally.
As you guys start walking she says something which makes you jump again, but Jun ignores her and keeps moving
“A-vad”
She keeps repeating the same word and turns her face as you both brush past her in the narrow passage way. Jun says nothing, and you can see his jaw clenched. He stops a few feet from her to pick up his bags of produce he had dropped, and you take this time to look at her. The old woman had turned her whole body to face you, while she reiterates her word,
“a-vad…a-vad…a-va-“
“Let’s go”
You gasp, as you turn to face Jun. He takes you in his arm again when you nod and leads you out of the alleyway, and eventually the center. She never stopped repeating the word until she was out of your sight, and you wonder if she stopped at all.
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HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
link to the sing is HERE
A/N: a little pick-me-up before the weekend
Sam Wilson x reader
Word count: 1590
Summary: For some reason, a mission was scheduled over Christmas, leaving you and Sam separated for the holidays
Warnings: lots of swearing
Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze
For the holidays you can't beat home sweet home!
Why did Fury have to do this to him? Well, everyone on the mission was pissed, but especially Sam. Who the hell PLANS a mission that extends over Christmas? Instead of being cuddled up on the couch watching Christmas movies with his girl or thrift shopping for quirky white elephant gifts with his friends, Sam was stuck in the middle of northern Canada.
“Pass me another blanket?” Bucky shivered, trying to turn up the shifty motel’s crappy heater. That poor machine was running the best it could and still the heat it was cranking out was barely enough to make the room above freezing temperature.
“There are only three blankets and you already have two of them,” Sam sassed, struggling to open the pack of Oreos he’d purchased at the gas station. Damn things froze in the car! They were solid as a rock! “And there’s no way in hell I’m giving mine up,”.
Steve rolled his eyes, opening the multiple cans of soup they bought and dumping them into a large bowl. “Ladies, calm down! I don’t want to get kicked out of the only shelter we have right now because of your yelling,” he grumbled, covering the bowl with a paper towel and putting it in the grimy microwave.
I met a man who lives in Tennessee, and he was headin' for
Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie
From Pennsylvania folks are travellin'
Down to Dixie's sunny shore
From Atlantic to Pacific
Gee the traffic is terrific!
Steve handed everyone a mug of hot soup. Unfortunately, they didn’t have spoons so they had to drink their soup like unemployed college students. It was inconvenient, they weren’t about to complain about a hot meal. “Eat up,” Steve hummed, sitting by his friends on the floor, which was, by far, much cleaner than the beds.
Sam grinned up at him, thanking him briefly. “Here Cap, take this,” he said, giving Steve his blanket, “that suit isn’t enough to keep you warm,”.
“Aw, Sam, you don’t have to do that, you need it more than I do,” Steve said, pushing the quilt back into Sam’s clenched fist.
“Take it, I’ll be okay,” he insisted, “if winter boo bear over here won’t share, then I will,”. He chuckled a bit, glaring over at Buck, who had bundled himself up like a little homeless lady.
“Hey! Part of my body is fucking metal! I’M COLD,” Bucky defended, wrapping himself up tighter into the blanket nest.
“So Fury says we’ll be stuck here longer than he thought… we might not be back until the new year,” Steve sighed, knowing neither of his teammates would like it.
“What? C’mon, man, I promised (Y/N) I’d be back before then!” Sam groaned, “I’ve been gone since the beginning of the month! She’s had to spend this whole holiday season alone,”.
“I know, Sam, I know…” Steve nodded, trying to keep him calm, “it’s less than ideal, we all have people at home we’d rather be with than out in… the arctic,”.
Sam just scowled at Steve, sick of him and Fury’s bullshit. “Nah man, I ain’t taking this! (Y/N) and I had this whole Christmas planned!” he ranted, nearly spilling his already cold soup, “instead of sneaking slices of rum cake when she’s not looking or hiding mistletoe around the apartment, I’m stuck here, with two other dudes, one of whom I’m pretty sure has fleas!”.
Bucky punched Sam’s arm with his metal one. Damn, that vibranium really was cold!
Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
If you want to be happy in a million ways
For the holidays you can't beat home sweet home!
Sam’s phone buzzed in his pocket, waking him up from his uncomfortable sleep. He was still freezing his tail feathers off (that joke was not as funny as Bucky thought it was when he said it) but the heater seemed to be working better. He groaned, cracking his stiff back before answering the facetime call. “Hello?” he groaned, yawning.
“Hi baby,” you greeted, smiling at him.
Sam immediately perked up at the sound of your voice. He got up and jogged to the bathroom so he could turn on lights and talk to you in private. “Hey sugar, how’s my girl doin’?” he smiled, eyes shining at you.
“Lonely without you,” you replied, “how’s Canada?”.
“Fucking freezing,” he scoffed, “and Barnes keeps hogging blankets,”.
“Oh, I know how you feel. That’s what Wanda did on our last mission to Russia,” you hummed, getting more comfortable on the couch, “I heard Fury is pushing back the return date,”.
“Yeah….” he sighed, “it sucks, but I guess that’s what being an Avenger means; long work hours,”.
You grinned, laughing half-heartedly. “I’m trying my best on my end to get you guys home,” you said, hoping that’d make him feel better.
“Eh, good luck with that, Fury's as stubborn as they come,” he sighed, “so what have you been up to? I hope you’re still having fun, despite all this,”.
“I am,” you nodded, getting up to show him the pumpkin spice cake you made, flipping the camera. “I made a lot of goodies! Chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter bars,” you listed, padding to the kitchen, “and a spice c- HEY!”. You caught Wanda and Nat stealing treats. You shooed them away as they slunk off like raccoons with their plates and mouths full.
Sam laughed at the scene the camera was capturing. “I see the ladies have taken over for me while I’m away,” he chuckled, “there better be sweets for me when I get back!”
“Oh there will be,” you grinned, putting a lid over the cake to keep it safe, “and a few presents, and a clean bed, and a hot shower, and a big blanket that you don’t have to share,”.
“That sounds so good right now,” he sighed, closing his eyes, fantasizing about coming home, “damn I can’t wa-”
“SAM! SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Bucky groaned from his blanket cocoon by the heater, his voice muffled by the various noises in the hotel room, “THE BATHROOM ECHOES!”.
Sam rolled his eyes. “I’ll talk to you later baby, okay?” Sam whispered, catching the kiss you blew to him through the phone, “love you,”.
“Love you more,” you grinned, hanging up.
I met a man who lives in Tennessee and he was headin' for
Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie
From Pennsylvania folks are travellin'
Down to Dixie's sunny shore
From Atlantic to Pacific
Gee the traffic is terrific!
Sam plopped down into the car, very ready to fall asleep. “Do we have to go back to the motel? I’m pretty sure sleeping in here would be more hygenic,” he sighed, taking off his goggles, the eyewear having left uncomfortable imprints on his skin.
Not that the car was too much better. It was an old, rented van from a sketchy rental place. Steve advocated for a smaller, but newer minivan, but Fury insisted that this would be less inconspicuous.
“Actually, yes, We do have to go back,” Steve hummed proudly, “Fury said there were extra supplies dropped off for us,”.
Bucky and Sam let out a tired ‘woo’. “Does that include a space heater?” Buck asked, taking his boots off, “or better mattresses?”.
Steve smirked, feeling truly proud of himself. “Well, my ‘nagging’ worked, and we’re now staying in Holiday Inn,” he answered, “clean beds, free breakfast, and functioning showers,”.
The other men let out a more enthusiastic ‘woo’ this time, somewhat surprised that Fury caved. Normally he’d tell Steve to, “shut up and quit your bitching,”.
Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
If you want to be happy in a million ways
For the holidays you can't beat home sweet home!
For the holidays you can't beat home sweet home!
The boys walked into the hotel, smiling as the heated air warmed up their cold bodies, the snow clinging to their uniforms melting away. “Much better,” Bucky grinned, flopping face down onto the clean couch in the little sitting area.
“Who wants dinner? There’s plenty here!” Steve cheered, opening the fully stocked fridge, “ooh, even spice cake!”.
Sam paused for a minute. “Spice cake?” he thought to himself, “Steve I don’t think it was you who convinced Fury to send us here,”.
Steve raised a quizzical brow. “Well it certainly wasn’t Buck,” he said, throwing an apple at the sleeping assassin’s head.
Peeking your head out of the closet, you surprised the boys by shouting, “MERRY FUCKIN’ CHRISTMAS!”. Buck was so surprised he fell off the couch with a hardy, "oof,".
“(Y/N)?” Sam greeted, giving you a big hug and kiss, “you did all this?". You nodded. "How… how did you pull it off? How did you convince Fury?”.
“I didn’t. Natasha just took over the mission and I convinced her,” you grinned, snuggling into Sam’s side, “figured I’d pay a visit as well…”.
“But-” Sam stammered, confused, “why not stay home? Or shorten the mission?”.
“As much as I hate to admit it, Fury is right, there is a lot of work to be done here,” you sighed, squeezing his hand, “and I am home. I’m with you,”.
__________________
TAGLIST
#sam wilson#falcon#sam x reader#sam wilson x reader#aryschristmaswritingspree#arys christmas writing spree#fantastic-fantasy-fanfics
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Hold Onto This Feeling (Parker x MC)
“Oh, just take it easy
Hold onto this feeling
All our friends are leaving
And we ain’t got nowhere to go,
Caught up in the afterglow.”
- Afterglow - All Time Low
Book: It Lives Beneath
Pairing: Parker x MC (Harper).
Plot: The It Lives Gang, including Robbie and Elliot, spend New Years Eve together.
Warnings: Contains swearing and mentions of alcohol. Drink responsibly folks!
Tag List: @brightpinkpeppercorn, @flyawayboo, @samara-rani, @alj4890, @alexpottrechoices, @skipperthetechgirl, @give-me-ernest-sinclaire, @nitta-jaeguet, @mistersinclaire, @krish58100 and @indescribablechoices. Please let me know if you want to be added to my tag list!
Notes: My first 2019 fic! This was meant to be a Christmas fic, but I changed some plot details so it fits NYE better. Hope you all had a happy and safe New Year, and of course that you enjoy this fic. The song is about pulling through the dark times and I also see it as being with someone you love most in the world. And well, I think that describes NYE really well. Requests are always open.
Also, this is why I asked you to pick between Dirty Dancing or Titanic ;)
It was New Year’s Eve, and you, Elliot, Robbie, and your friends were going to have a party and watch the fireworks at Imogen’s house (thankfully, her parents were out). You were finishing getting ready in your bedroom. Adjusting your hair, you glance over your outfit again in the mirror. “Harper, stop. You look fine.” Elliot’s voice sounds from behind you.
“You really think so?” You ask, smoothing down your outfit. Elliot rolls his eyes.
“Yes, you look fine.” He stresses. “I know for a fact that Parker won’t be able to keep his eyes off you. Then again, all of us already know that he can’t do that normally, so-” Gasping, you turn around to face him. “Oh come on Harper, everyone’s seen the way that Parker looks at you.” You feel a blush rising. Ever since you had first laid eyes on Parker at Imogen’s yacht party, it was safe to say you were smitten. And now, he might feel the same?
“R-Really? What’s it like?” You ask.
“Hilarious really. He thinks he’s being so subtle, but he’s really not. We’ve all noticed. Actually, it’s so obvious, I can’t believe you’ve not noticed yet.” You launch a cushion at him, and he holds up his hands in surrender. “Alright! Alright! I don’t know really, I guess...he looks at you with so much love in his eyes, and like you’re the most important thing in his life. Like he doesn’t want to lose you. You get me?” The blush grows even larger, and you swear you can feel tears in your eyes. “Wait, holy shit, are you crying?”
“N-No! It’s just-” You sniffle. “Fuck! Elliot! Now I’m gonna look like a mess. And how am I gonna be able to face Parker when you said he looks at me like that, and-” You whine, urgently trying to stop the tears from falling.
“Oh no..uh, okay, think of other things. Like the fact that your younger brother’s boyfriend is waiting on us, and we’re gonna be late if you don’t hurry up?”
“Okay, that works.”
~~~
“Helloooo everyone!” Imogen sings when she opens the door to the three of you. “Oh my god, you all look amazing! Especially you Harper.” She smiles, giving you all a warm hug. “Come on in! Everyone’s getting drinks and food in the dining room.” She lets you in and sets off down the hallway, you all following behind her. When you enter the room, Tom and Danni greet you with another warm hug. “Where’s Parker?” Imogen asks.
“Right here.” A familiar voice sounds as he walks into the room. “Sorry, was getting more-” He cuts himself off as you turn around to see him. “H-Hi Harper.” He gasps. “You look...uh.” He stops again, and you swear you can hear Danni and Imogen giggling from behind you. “Champagne?” He asks, holding up a glass, which you gratefully accept. “What I meant was...that you look very nice.” You can feel the blush from before returning.
“Thank you Parker.” You smile, hoping it’s not too obvious. But for a moment, you catch a glimpse of one on his cheeks too.
This was going to be an awkward night.
~~~
“How the hell was that Lord of the Rings?!” Danni protests.
“It’s Frodo and Sam going up the mountain!” Robbie responds. After you had all finished dinner, the seven of you were sitting in Imogen’s room, playing party games...and still continuing to drink of course. Right now, you were on charades. “I thought it was obvious!” He gasps.
“Not as obvious as something else we know.” Elliot mumbles as he sits back down, almost making you choke on your drink. He was going to be the death of you one of these days, Oblivious, Parker gets up, picking something to re-enact from the bowl.
“I need someone to help me with this.” He announces. His hazel eyes scan the room. “Harper, care to do the honours?” He asks.
“There’s a shock.” Elliot mumbles, and you gently elbow him in the ribs as you go to help Parker. He shows you the slip of paper in his hands.
Dirty Dancing. Fuck.
“You ready?” He whispers.
“Are you sure we’re not too drunk for this?” You whisper back, and he chuckles.
“Trust me. We’ll be fine.” He smiles. Taking a deep breath for courage, the two of you back up. Parker holds up his hands, and you run at him, jumping at just the right second. Parker catches you, and lifts you high above his head. You can hear astonished gasps from your friends, but they soon fade away as Parker’s hold on you tightens protectively. This was...nice. Slightly weird, but nice. After a while, Parker gently lowers you until he is holding you in his arms. Now this felt even nicer. You look over at your friends, all of whom look astonished. “Hey, you’re meant to guess the movie!” Parker protests, letting you jump down. Your friends don’t respond, continuing to look shocked, until:
“Uh, dirty dancing!” Tom gasps suddenly.
“That’s right!” Parker grins. “Are we doing another one?” He asks. Your friends still look shocked.
“Oh! Uh...I was thinking of playing truth or dare next.” Imogen offers, and everyone nods, positioning themselves in a circle. Sighing, you grab yourself yet another drink, knowing you’d most likely need more as the game goes on, because you knew exactly what question was coming. A a few rounds (and a few more cocktails) later, Imogen turns to ask you a question. “Sooo...Harper.” She begins. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth.” Her grin grows even wider.
“Is there someone in this room that you have a crush on?” She asks. And there it was. Everybody’s gaze turns to face you. But you’re only looking at one person. Sighing, you finish the rest of your drink.
“Look.” You begin, fuelled by liquid confidence. “There’s no need to be all sneaky about this. I get it. I mean...Elliot said so himself, Parker clearly has the hots for me and you all know about it, and I obviously feel the same way, because I mean...look at him. So-” You cut yourself off with a hiccup. “-I don’t get the secrecy and you guys acting like you can’t talk about it, but here it is anyways. I have a crush on Parker, alright?” Everyone is silent. Including Parker, who is slowly turning bright red. Immediately, you realise the gravity of what you just said. Oh fuck. The game tries to continue on, but it’s clear that everyone is too busy focusing on what you said.
“Parker. Truth or Dare?” Elliot asks. Parker looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here.
“...Truth.” He sighs. Unsurprisingly, he asks if your feelings are returned. Parker looks over at you, and you can see confusion and turmoil on his face. Suddenly, without a word, he gets up and leaves the room, leaving everyone, especially you, in shock.
“W-Wait. Parker!” You call after him, scrambling to your feet. A sinking pit opens in your stomach. What have you done?
“Harper, it’s almost midnight, just wait.” Danni urges.
“Yeah, give him some space.” Robbie agrees. Despite the agreements from your friends, you run out of the room and try to find where Parker went.
“I’m so stupid.” You curse yourself. “I just had to fuck it up with him, didn’t I? He’s one of the only people who likes me and now I’ve ruined it.” Suddenly, you pass doors leading out onto one of Imogen’s balconies, and see a familiar figure standing on it. Parker. Hesitantly, you open the doors, stepping into the cold winter air. “Parker?” You ask. He immediately turns around.
“Harper? What are you doing out here...I-”
“No. Let me talk. Please.” You tell him. You take a deep breath. “Parker, I’m sorry.” He raises an eyebrow at you. “I shouldn’t have said that at truth or dare, because it was completely inappropriate, and I think it made you uncomfortable. So...I apologise. You’re under no obligation to continue to like me....if you even did in the first case that is. I mean, I don’t know why you would, especially after tonight. I say a lot of stupid shit, and clearly I need to handle my alcohol better, and not to mention that-” Parker cuts you off by placing his hand on your arm.
“Harper Vance.” He begins. “I liked you a lot before tonight....and I still like you just as much, even now.”
“Even with my horrible tendency to talk shit?” You ask.
“Even then. I like you just as you are Harper.” He repeats. You smile, but suddenly shiver as a cold breeze blows. “God Harper, you must be freezing, you don’t have your jacket on!” Parker fusses.
“No, it’s alright, I-” You lie, but Parker ignores you, taking off his suit jacket and placing it atop your shoulders. Elliot’s words echo in your mind as Parker gazes down at you.
“He looks at you with so much love in his eyes, and like you’re the most important thing in his life. Like he doesn’t want to lose you. You get me?” And despite the chilly air, you start to feel warm inside. Partly due to Parker’s jacket, but also because as he looked at you, you realised that he loved you. He really, really loved you. And you wanted to hold onto that feeling for the rest of your life.
“Thanks Parker. For liking me just the way I am.” You smile, moving closer to him. He takes you into his arms.
“Of course.” He states. “As long as you’d do the same for me?”
“Like you’d even have to ask.” You reply, almost mumbling the words as your head moves closer to his. Parker follows suit, and your lips meet in a sweet, tender kiss. In that moment, everything felt right. You knew it was cliché, but it was like fireworks were going off at that moment. As if on cue, fireworks immediately begin sounding in the distance, making you and Parker break apart.
“Happy New Year, Harper.” He whispers.
“Happy New Year, Parker”
Did any of you catch my lil slight Bridget Jones reference? ;)
#parker shaw#parker x mc#parker x mc fanfic#it lives beneath#it lives beneath fic#choices stories you play#choices stories you play fanfiction#choices app#choices fanfiction#choices game#choices fic#playchoices#playchoices fanfiction#playchoices fanfic
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Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Pairing: Gabriel x Reader (AU) ++ Warnings: Language and some subpar writing from late last night ++ Word Count: 764
Note: Do NOT repost, copy and paste, post or share my works on any other platform without my EXPRESS PERMISSION. -+- REBLOGGING is fine! -+-
The Roadhouse was having its Annual Christmas Eve Karaoke Night. Charlie had dragged you here, and brought you the fruitiest drink she could, in hopes of easing some of your nerves.
Coming home after three years away was doing a number on your nerves.
You’d spent most of the handful of days back with your dad - or as Charlie called it “hiding” - trying to deal with the downsizing of your company and returning home to live with your father again.
And Charlie was hoping that this little outing would help drag you out of your thoughts and perk you up a little bit.
You didn’t see how karaoke was gonna do that but…once Charlie had a hold of a plan, there was no use trying to talk her out of it.
She leaned in with a small, knowing smile as Ellen Harvelle stepped up to the microphone.
“I put your name in the bowl.” Charlie whispers loudly with glee.
“What?” You gape at her like a fish out of water. “Why? Why, Charlie?”
“You’re a wonderful singer and I know you’ll kick it in the ass.”
“You aren’t gonna butter your way out of this one! You said just watch and enjoy the festivities!” You hiss before latching onto your drink straw angrily, if there was such a thing. Charlie blinks her big eyes at you, knowing you aren’t angry - simply peeved.
“First off, Merry Christmas everyone!” Yells of Merry Christmas echoes throughout the bar in reply. “Alrighty, we’re gonna kick this shindig off! Can I have -” She pulls a white slip from a giant fishbowl, “Gabriel Shurley and…” Another slip. Please not me. Please! You pray quickly, tightening your hand around your glass. “Y/N MacLeod!” Fuck. You sigh. Well, actually this seems to be par for the course.
Gabriel was already out of his seat when his head snapped around, looking for you.
“Well, well, well…” Charlie begins, pulling your glass from your hand and shooing you off your chair. “Seems like Fate wants to gift wrap your childhood crush to you for Christmas!”
“I hate you,” You mutter over your shoulder as she shoves you towards the stage.
Ellen hands you a microphone as you give her a shaky smile.
“Welcome back, honey.” You whispers, giving you a pat on the back as she heads to the back corner of the stage to wait.
“I didn’t know you were back!” He leans in and whispers before pulling back with his whiskey eyes dancing and a bright smile. “We’ll catch up after. You ready?” You manage a nod, nerves working their way back. The beginning chords of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” ring out and you spot your father sitting to the left of centerstage, giving you a nod as he raised his own fruity glass.
And just like that, your nerves were gone.
Gabriel made sure to stay close during the first verse and by the middle of the song, you’re singing to each other and, if not for the wolf whistles from the crowd every so often, you could have gotten lost in those dark butterscotch eyes that are so lively and never stray from yours.
“I really can’t stay,”
“Get over that old out,”
“Baby, it’s cold. Baby, it’s cold outside.” His arm slides around your waist as you two finish, pulling you against him as Ellen appears at your side, taking your microphone with the biggest grin plastered on her face.
“Well, damn folks! I might as well close this session down! Haven’t seen chemistry like that in years! Give it up for Gabriel and Y/N!” You give a nod to the audience, Gabriel’s hold tightening on you as he escorts you off the stage.
“How about I buy you a drink and we catch up?” You turn to fully face him, running your fingers up along his dark olive jacket, watching the gold darken slightly at your actions. “Maybe a Christmas Eve stroll after?”
“I don’t know…” You cock your head to the right a smidge, smiling coyly at him.
“What’s the sense in hurting my pride?” Gabriel quotes with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
“Well, then I guess I’ll have to listen to the talk tomorrow, Gabriel.”
“How lucky I am that you dropped in.” He guides you to a booth in the back corner of the bar, with a cocky grin tugging at his lips.
“Beautiful, what’s your hurry?” You ask, as he slips an arm over the back of the booth, pressed right up against you.
“I lost three years. I’m not letting you get too far away again.”
Tagging: @ourloveisforthelovely @unleashthemidnight @nobodys-baby-now @thewhiterabbit42 @sumara62 @chelsea072498 @lucis-unicorn @clockworkmorningglory @sakurablossom4
#Gabriel x reader#supernatural au#Christmas drabbles#December drabbles#December 5th#supernatural reader insert#Christmas fluff#December fluff#sorry i didn't post yesterday#life got in the way#authoressskr writes
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I’m just gonna answer questions because no one asks em and I always wanted to do this so I’m just gonna fucking do it, ya know?
What’s your favorite way to pass time at home? Watching movies, Making art, reading, writing, filming, editing, talking to my dog.
How do you usually spend a lazy evening? On youtube or re-watching a movie.
What do you usually have for breakfast? Coffee.
What was your first kiss like? Bad. Apparently I made the first move, but I can tell you that wasn’t my intention, so you can imagine how weird it was.
Have you ever travelled alone? Yes.
Coffee or tea? Coffee all the way, but I would like to get into tea drinking more.
Is your room rather messy or organized? An organized mess.
How much time do you usually spend on a computer/phone?Too much, but honestly probably less than most people.
Say one thing you like and dislike about school. I like learning so much, but I hate group discussions, busy work, and any other waste of a lecture.
How many languages can you speak?Barely my native language. I took four years of French and can get the gist of what’s being said if I can read it, but can’t speak of listen for shit.
What’s one language you would like to learn? Spanish, Portuguese, or German. I would also love to know Latin.
Do think good grammar/spelling is important? Yes, it completely changes the meaning of the sentence and agency of certain words,
What’s your favorite music genre? Indie Rock
What’s your favorite meal of the day? I usually only eat once a day, at a random time, and snack for the most part. So, snacks.
When + which band was your first concert? Brittney Spears when I was 6 ( 2002?)
Do you like having flowers in your house/garden? I live in the city and have a windowsill full of plants. There is one pot of flowers ( I should get more!)
Do you prefer texting or phone calls? Phone Calls
Are you allergic to anything? Cats, Chlorine, and Augmentin. I sneeze wayy too much so probably something else, but I haven’t figured it out yet.
Describe one nice memory with your best friend. I visited her in Chilie and we sang and danced in this kind of public square, drew people, made music, and met some really amazing people.
Have you ever been to Paris? No. But honestly seems overrated.
Have you ever been to Amsterdam? No. But I would love to.
Have you ever been to NYC? I lived there for 3 years.
Are you a gamer? Nope.
What are you wearing today? A purple David Bowie shirt, leggings, and a Red/orange cardigan.
Do you prefer jeans, jeggings or leggings? Leggings, but I really like my jeans once I’m in em.
Do you spend a lot of time studying? Yes and no.
Are you punctual? Not really.
What’s your favorite color? It changes a lot, but usually orange, purple, yellow, or green.
What’s your favorite type of youtube videos to watch? Edutainment videos/ video essays!
Do you prefer dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark chocolate. As dark as my humor.
Do you prefer shopping for clothes online or in stores? Online. I hate buying clothes.
When was the last time you kissed someone? August. Then I broke up with him.
What do you think when you look in the mirror? “Woah, that’s me? no way.”
Do you enjoy singing? What kind of songs? I love to sing. I go for musicals and Freddie Mercury to belt, but like folk songs and classic rock songs to sing while I play the guitar. I also sing made up songs and operas to my dog.
Do you drink enough water? 90% of the time, yes.
What is your favorite type of shoes to wear? Combat boots or Converse.
Do you have/want any tattoos or piercings? 4 tattoos, just my ears are pierced.
How do you feel about pastel colors? “For that I can forgive you, but Debbie...Pastels??”
What is the last book you read? “Somebody to Love: The life and times of Freddie Mercury”
Say the first quote that comes to your head: “Nothing gold can stay.”
Are currently texting someone? haha no.
Do you have any posters in your room? No, but I have an old postcard collection and illustrations of flowers.
How did you discover your current favorite band? I have no idea how I found Parquet Courts, but it happened sometime within my freshman year of college. I heard “Donuts Only” and got hooked.
Do you enjoy romantic movies? Not really.
Would you rather watch the sunrise or go for a beach walk? Watch Sunrise.
What’s your favorite Christmas movie? Black Christmas.
Are you religious? No.
What’s the last theme park you’ve been to? I think it was actually universal’s Harry Potter world.
Do you care about fashion/being fashionable? Sometimes, and certainly in the past, but in my old age I have become apathetic.
Do you like scented candles? Yes, but they make me sneeze.
Would you rather visit Iceland or Greece? Iceland was what first came to my mind, but I feel like Greece would be a lot more fun.
Is there a fireplace in your house? no :(
Do you spend more time in your living room or bedroom? Living room.
At what time do you usually have lunch? 3...
Do you know anyone’s phone number by heart? My mothers!
Do you have a favorite mug? Yes, but it often shifts because I like to attach sentimental value to things. It’s currently a mug that says “bitchin!” on it.
How did you meet your best friend? at summer camp. Alternatively, I met my sister a couple days after my mothers c-section.
Do you sing/dance in the shower? Yes.
Have you ever considered yourself ‘emo’, ‘scene’, ‘hipster’ etc.? I would say in highschool I really wanted to be a hipster and succeeded about 60% of the time. At one point I really wanted to be seen as more punk, but just couldn’t quite pull it off the way I thought I could in my head. I would say I have always been kind of a cool loser. Quite dork/nerd who is secretly irreverent and loud.
When was your first kiss? Freshmen year of highschool. At a cast party.
What do you look forward to this month? I’m auditioning for a musical.
Do you remember your first day of school? yes, I didn’t go inside when the bell rang, instead I stayed outside picking flowers.
Do you think feminism is important? It’s so important this shouldn’t even be a question.
Say three things that make you happy: Dogs, Coffee, Movies
What are you listening to right now? Old studio cuts and takes from the Beatles and Queen.
Do you like to go Christmas shopping? Absoluetly not. I’m a total grinch.
Have you ever been camping? Yes! but I would really like to go as an adult.
If your birthday could be any day, would you change it? probably not, I like May and the number 4, but I would see if it was possible to change Star Wars day.
What do you think is the right age to be in a first relationship?16
What do you think is the right age to have sex? Idk, when you feel comfortable and ready to handle it. When buying condoms doesn’t make you feel nervous or ashamed. When you are in love. If you think about the worst casinario and don’t think the other person would desert you or treat you poorly.
How is your relationship with your siblings? The strongest thing on Earth.
Do you have any pets? A 12 year old Shih Tzu.
Are you in love? (if yes, describe the person) Nope. I’m good at settling and talking myself into love though.
Do you listen to music a lot? Yes.
What do you think about before you fall asleep? Sleep.
Do you think makeup makes people prettier? I think it makes people feel beautiful and is a way to express themselves, so, yes, I think it makes people feel prettier and thus have that confidence in their beauty.
When was the last time you were in a church? About 6 months ago.
Do you think it’s more comfortable to wear your hair up or down? Up and outta the way is more comfy for me, but I look better with it down.
Do you pick shampoos based on their scent? No.
Say one thing you like about winter: Snow Days.
Say one thing you like about fall: Changing colors of leaves/ stepping on a crispy leaf.
Say one thing you like about summer: Kids are out of school and having fun.
Say one thing your like about spring: My birthday/ the feeling of rebirth.
What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been? Chile.
Are you planning to travel a lot when you’re older? I really hope I can.
What seems like the most fun age to you? 40. idk why
Do you prefer the sun or the moon? Moon.
How do you celebrate Easter (if you do)? Dye Eggs and search for eggs, usually a nice dinner.
Do you know anyone who doesn’t like chocolate? Not off the top of my head.
Can you relate to most songs you listen to? Yes.
Say one fun thing you did this week: I threw a movie party for an obscure film.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Alive, Working, and Happy.
Would you change your name if you could? Absolutely. I hate my last name. I want to change it to Dalvit.
Who’s your favourite Disney princess? Belle/ The girl from Atlantis.
Do you have a clean desk? Not usually.
Do you like babysitting? Yes. I’m good with kids.
Do you often offer your friends food/a drink? As much as I can.
What is a right age to drink alcohol for the first time? 15 ish
What do you like about your favorite band/artist? The drums.
Tell me one random fact that comes to your head: Roger Taylor sings the high note in Bohemian Rhapsody.
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Flock Together | Taylor & Quail
Taylor hated college atmospheres now. She'd loved it when she'd went back in LA, but she'd changed so damn much since then, even past the whole 'you're a giant bird' revelation. Changed as a person. Plus, even though she wasn't that much older than most of the people around her, they all made her feel old as fuck. Laughing, loving, full of life. Youthful faces in a crowd washing over the campus like a wave. She felt like a withered, grizzly thing in comparison. She didn't belong here anymore. Everyone staring at her eyepatch probably didn't help that feeling much either, come to think of it. When she got to the library, which was a bitch to find in the first place in this maze of buildings and hallways called a campus, she quickly took a seat at the table nearest the door, which was still unfortunately a ways into the library itself. She wasn't quite sure what this girl Quail looked like, so she relied on her own pretty sore-thumb appearance to drawn her in instead.
Quail would not have noticed Taylor if not for her eye patch. She looked, at least to her, the same age as everyone else around. She didn't look like her at all, nor did she look anything other than human, but Quail knew it was her from what she'd said about the eye patch. Quail clocked out on the computer and slung her bag over her shoulder, nervously approaching Taylor for the first time. She was excited about finding out the truth of what she was, but she was also downright terrified. Hopefully Taylor could teach her how to control her powers, and exactly what powers she had.
Taylor spotted someone coming toward her. The girl was nervous, that was for sure. It was written all over her face. She approached and stood there close to the table, so Taylor decided to take the lead. "Quail, yeah?" she asked. The girl confirmed. Taylor put a hand out for Quail to shake, enjoying the feeling of not having to suppress herself as they touched. "Wanna do this here or are we taking a walk?"
Quail nodded when Taylor said her name, taking her hand and enthusiastically shaking it. "We can take a walk," she suggested, not really comfortable talking about this in earshot of anyone else. She led the other girl out the entrance and glanced over at her. "You weren't kidding about the eye patch. What happened?" She asked, knowing it was rude but her curiosity overrode her desire to be polite in this instance, and her nerves caused her to just blurt it out.
Taylor could respect this girl's forwardness. She didn't beat around the bush. "You really wanna know?" Taylor could see that she really did. "Krampus clawed it out. Yeah, like the one from that shitty christmas movie. He's real and he's an asshole." As they walked, she was getting more and more stares from students as they passed, but Taylor was good at ignoring it by now. "So what d'you know about yourself so far? What can you do?"
Quail agreed that she wanted to know the story. She blinked in surprise when Taylor announced that it had been Krampus. She'd heard the name, but she didn't know he was real. Then again, she was learning more & more about what was real and what wasn't. She was always surprised to find how many of these things really were real. At her question she sighed. "I don't know that much. I have wings, and sometimes when I touch people, or even talk to them, I can get them to do things. Almost like they fall in love with me or something. It happened with Regan on accident. That had never happened to me before."
Taylor sighed. She'd trusted Regan's assessment of the situation, but almost didn't want to believe it was true. The handshake had been a sort of test, to see if she'd react to it. Once she'd passed that, Taylor wanted to hear from the girl's mouth what she'd experienced to make sure it all lined up. And fucking unfortunately, all the i's were dotted and t's were crossed. Shit. "How much you know about Greek mythology? Ever heard of the siren myth?"
Quail blinked. Siren. That sounded... vaguely familiar, like she'd heard the term once, but she didn't know anything about it. "Basically nothing. I've heard the word, but I don't know what it is. Is that... us? We're..." She lowered her voice. "Sirens? What's that mean...? What... what can we do?"
Taylor started to explain, her voice sounding less like her own and more like she was reciting a textbook from memory. "Sirens would sit on rocks by the coastlines and sing as ships went by. Their voices enthralled the sailors, who would steer the boat into the rocks to get to them. Then the sirens...they ate the men." The sirens at the colony would recite versions of this origin story like a chant. It reminded of them of where they came from and what they didn't want to become again. "Sirens. That's us."
Quail frowned at the weird explanation, given that it didn't sound anything like what she was. "But... we don't eat people..." She mumbled incredulously, crossing her arms to her chest. "You have wings too right? And what's up with the touching/talking control thing? It applies to singing, too? Are some people immune to it? Do we have other powers?" She fired off each question without even breathing between the two, finally having someone in front of her who could answer everything.
Taylor shook her head. "We don't." Well some still did, but she wasn't going to tell Quail that. "Whoa, slow down." The rapid fire questions were on their way to giving Taylor a headache. "I do have wings. And talons. The 'touch thing'? That's oxytocin, if you want the science mumbo. The love hormone, they call it. When we touch somebody, or sing to them, it gets them all ready to die for you and shit." She hated talking about this so much, but Quail deserved to know. "Some people are, yeah." Like Regan, she almost said, but that point was moot now for some reason. "Some other species...." she trailed off, not sure how much she wanted to divulge about the expansive world she herself had been thrown into without warning. If she could give this girl the luxury of being ease into the supernatural world, she'd do it. "We can tap into people's emotions, but it's tiring as fuck." She decided to leave out the parts about getting addicted to devotion and human hearts for now..."Where'd you get that?" Taylor asked, stopping when she noticed a necklace around Quail's neck. It looked like her old bracelet, but the color of the stone wasn't as deep. Taylor's stone suppressed her powers completely until it was broken, but if this girl knew what she did already, this stone must not be as strong. "Had one just like it a few years ago. Deadbeat mom gave it to me when I was a baby when she left me with my dad to figure all this shit out on my own." She had to yank herself out of her own head before she went on a tirade. "You're lucky to have that."
Quail rubbed at her neck as she listened to Taylor talk. Whoa, that was crazy, there was a name for it? Oxytocin. "That's scary...so, are there bad sirens, who use their powers to force people to do things on purpose?" She thought she knew the answer about that. Quail stopped walking when Taylor pointed out her necklace. "What? It's just.. a necklace from my biological parents. The only thing I have left of them. What do you mean? It.. does something?" This was her first inkling that it was charmed. "What would happen if I took it off?"
Taylor nodded, pursing her lips. "That's some hella bad ones out there, yeah. It's not as black and white as you think. Having control...it can be addicting. Some people can't kick it. But they're rare, trust me." Taylor had the sudden realization when Quail said 'biological parents'. She was adopted. They'd charmed her and dumped her just like Cordelia had to her. Fuckers. "Dampens your powers. You can probably touch most people fine, right? Don't sprout feathers just because you stubbed your toe? If you took that thing off, you'd have zero control. You don't wanna live like that, trust me. It's hell."
Quail widened her eyes at the news about what her necklace did. She nodded at the questions, realizing why she exhibited as much control as she did. While she wasn't one hundred percent in control, it apparently would've been worse if she took the necklace off. "I won't take it off then.. but sometimes, if I get upset... my wings come out without my meaning to. And my voice affected Regan, but I've never affected anyone else, and I wasn't talking differently. I don't really understand..."
Taylor put a hand on Quail's shoulder, hoping to calm her a bit. "Regan was a fluke. It's okay. But yeah, emotions can get the better of us pretty easy." She took her hand off the girl's shoulder and scratched the back of her own neck. "Glad you ain't taking it off, but you gotta be prepared for if it does come off." She cleared her throat, realizing that only one thing was going to get it through to her the severity of the situation. "Was in love with this girl when I was about your age. Had no idea what I was, but I had this bracelet my mom gave me that I never took off. Even with it on, the girl..." she felt herself choke up a little, and motioned for the two of them to sit on some nearby benches. "...Rhonda, she got obsessed with me. Unhealthy like. So I decided to break it off with her, for her sake. Give us both some space, you know?" Tears were threatening her eye, but she held them back with a sniffle, wiping her nose on her leather jacket sleeve. "She was so heartbroken she threw herself out a 14th floor window. Broke my bracelet off when she did. That was with the charm on. And mine was stronger than yours." The skin under her eyepatch was starting to itch as she felt the still-working tear duct there doing some work. "Next couple years were a living hell. Didn't touch anybody. Stopped singing with my band. Lived a lonely fucking life. After I lost my eye I left town. Found a colony of people like us. Learned from 'em. Now I can do this." She started to sing an old folk song, Will The Circle Be Unbroken. People started to gather, and once she finished, she shook hands with a few of them. As they left, Taylor said to them, "punch each other." They used some colorful language to refuse, and Taylor was satisfied that she'd proved her point.
Quail was overwhelmed by the story. The fact that she'd had that much of an effect on someone else, without even meaning to, with the bracelet on... it terrified Quail. Something like that could happen to her and she would have way to stop it. She didn't know what to say. Maybe their kind were better off alone if that was the case. If being with her would put someone at danger... The display of Taylor's power and subsequent control was incredible. She definitely did not have a handle on her power the way that Taylor did. She wasn't sure if she sang something, if anything would even happen. She'd never tried and it she wasn't exactly eager to. "Is there any way to stop it? All of it? Completely? Or... or will I have to be alone?" She whispered, crossing her arms to her chest. "I never-- I don't think I could survive something like that happening to me. I'm not strong enough. Just seeing Regan react to me was horrifying, and all she was doing was getting me books and blurting out whatever was in her head. What if I accidentally call someone to me? How do you know anyone even genuinely likes you, or if they're... enthralled? Shouldn't I just... stay away from everyone?"
Taylor felt a twinge of deja vu as Quail started to ramble. "You sound just like me a few years ago. Believe me, you don't know how strong you are 'til the bullshit puts it to the test," she said, swallowing down the memories that creeped up. "Might sound noble, just shutting everybody out, but it ain't our fault we're like this. Shouldn't have to be lonely just because of who and what we are, you feel me?" She reached out and put a reassuring hand on Quail's shoulder again, squeezing a little harder this time to anchor her down. "Took me years to get this control, and it ain't even 100%. But it's possible, and I'm gonna teach you."
Quail smiled when Taylor tried to make her feel better, and she focused on her words, her smile growing as the other girl placed her hand on her shoulder. "I guess that makes sense. The last thing I want is to ever hurt somebody, though. The thought terrifies me. I don't want to be.... a monster." Quail explained, meeting Taylor's eyes. "You're going to teach me?"
"Only thing that'll make you a monster is hurting somebody with no remorse. Remember that," Taylor said. She nodded, "If you want me to, yeah."
Quail didn't even have to think about it. The two of them may have been different from one another in many ways, but they were both sirens. Anything Taylor could teach her could be valuable, and it wasn't like she had a whole host of mentors to choose from. "I want you to," Quail assured her with a smile. "If you want, I can give you my cell number and we can work out when to see each other between our schedules. My parents and my brother know I'm different... now I'll be able to tell them what I am - but what I mean is, home is a safe space for you to teach me without outing yourself to anyone else. If you're worried about that."
Taylor finally took her hand off of Quail's shoulder, after giving it a few pats as she chuckled. "Don't worry about me, kid. Far past worrying about that." She got up from the bench they'd been sitting on and cleared her throat, as if to reset her emotional balance after reciting her life story for what felt like the millionth and the first time all at once. "Gotta warn ya though...road's gonna be hard. Worth it, but hard."
Quail smiled gently at the other siren, happy that she finally had someone to show her the way. "Nothing worth having is ever easy. Thank you for meeting with me. I'll um, see you around, okay? I should probably get home." With a half hearted hug she walked off, left to ponder about all of the new information she'd been given.
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My Top 132 Songs Of 2016
Previously: 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011
Haven’t started writing this yet, but after peaking at 73 songs in 2013, then dipping to 67 and 71 the last two years, it is unbelievable we hit 132 (blame Spotify’s easy ability to save music and create playlists).
I debated skipping around, but nahhh, let’s get it.
As always, the criteria/info:
This is a list of songs I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective
No artist is featured more than once
If it comes down to choosing between two songs for an artist, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track; it’s not the ultimate factor, but it typically makes sharing the music easier
Speaking of... each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check out some for yourself
BOBBY VS. THE SONGS, FID
132) Kendrick Lamar - “untitled 07 | levitate”
Yeah, not gonna do the thing everyone else is doing where we pretend Kendrick is making amazing music with 2016′s throwaway release. I had to trudge through so much weird-and-not-fun stuff on “Butterfly” last year; it’s time to be done with it. Kendrick is obviously a top flight MC and could end up as an all-time great, but, like, come on -- this is from an EP of b-sides, it’s (probably) the best song... and it’s still not that memorable. How this record is ended up on so many year end best of lists mystified me.
131) Young Thug - “Drippin'”
Thugger spazzin’ around.
130) 2 Chainz f/ Lil Wayne - “Gotta Lotta”
Eh, this song’s aight; beat good, kinda sticks with you sometimes. Funny it should be listed as “2 Chainz & Lil Wayne” -- peep the very creative album art -- yet ended up as a 2 Chainz solo feature (on technicality alone) due to Weezy’s ongoing label issues. These two play off each other well.
129) Real Friends - “Mokena”
This song is good, but it’s... a little too angst-y at points.
128) Iggy Pop - “American Valhalla”
The best compliment I can give this song is it sounds unlike anything I’ve ever heard. Not a fun listen every time, but if you consciously immerse, it can definitely work.
127) The Avett Brothers - “Ain't No Man”
Good mom song; feels like fun. passed the torch with this one.
126) Paul Simon - “Horace And Pete”
Louis C.K. got Simon to write a theme song for his dramedy “Horace and Pete”, and the diminutive one came through in spades. I sometimes like to shoehorn in the f-word when singing along to help break up some of the seriousness. But yeah, this feels like a ‘60s classic even though it’s essentially brand new.
125) Frank Ocean - “Nikes”
The A.V. Club summed up my opinion of the Frank Ocean record with one swift line: “On first listen, Blonde feels like a Cracker Jack box with no toy in it.”
Amen.
Don’t get it twisted: I love Frank, still believe in Frank, and of course consider “channel ORANGE” to (objectively) be one of the greatest albums of this generation, but “Blonde”? It didn’t connect. Somewhat reluctantly, I picked this song for the list because it was the first one I heard, and it stands as a symbol of the initial hope which faded over a few listens. But when Ocean breaks in after all the high pitched singing, it does feel like a moment.
Also, this line will always stick: “RIP Pimp C / RIP Trayvon, that n**** look just like me”.
124) DJ Khaled f/ Jay-Z & Future - “I Got The Keys”
DJ Khaled is a talentless jackass, annoyingly ad libbing his way into our brains. Unfortunately, my personal favorite artist chooses to make listenable songs with him. Alas, No. 124. Jay slaying with “My wife Beyoncé, I brag different”. Future... being Future.
123) Slim Thug - “King”
The always underrated Slim Thug, hangin’ out and tellin’ you about his life. Also lifting weights. Minus points for using the Pimp C sample Jigga used in “FuckWithMeYouKnowIGotIt” only three years ago.
122) American Football - “Give Me The Gun”
This band will never hit for me as much as it does with cool/laid back guitar people, but I enjoyed this tune. And I wish my friend Luke were here to listen with me.
121) Craig Finn - “Screenwriters School”
Craig Finn, as slow and chill as you’ll ever hear him.
120) Mikey Erg - “1001 Smashed Motel Rooms”
Solid verses, big chorus, and you can almost, like, tell he’s bald by the voice (not an insult).
119) Cassadee Pope - “Summer”
The former Hey Monday singer goes in on the strongest season.
118) The Cool Kids - “Connect 4″
It’s very difficult to write about The Cool Kids without using the word “cool”, but man, these guys have such a great interplay. It’s not two separate dudes taking turns; it’s a glorious intertwine with true chemistry.
117) Third Eye Blind - “Cop vs. Phone Girl"
This is our first song I’d call an imperative listen. I say this because you need you to hear Stephan Jenkins sing “Why's it so hard to say ‘Black Lives Matter’? / Doesn't mean that you're anti-white / Take it from me, I'm super fucking white”.
He remains bulletproof.
116) Wakrat - “Sober Addiction”
I was positive this song was a jam after one listen, but I’ve listened 3-4 times since, and it’s gotten progressively worse each time. If that’s not enough of a hook, the singer is the Rage Against The Machine bassist.
115) Owl Meet Rabbit - “This Side Of The Nut House”
A Christmas song with a “National Lampoon” reference.
114) YG f/ Drake & Kamaiyah - “Why You Always Hatin?”
Still a little unclear why Drake keeps agreeing to be in YG songs. His verse references sliding into DMs.
113) Yo Gotti f/ Nicki Minaj - “Down In The DM (Remix)”
...and we also have a track titled after it. My biggest memory with this song will be feeling sick in an Uber from Chicago to Forest Park on, like, a weekday morning but still mustering the nerve to laugh at the chorus, which is egregious enough before the “bridge” of “Snapchat me that pussy, if it’s cool”. Seriously. RIP, music.
112) The Dirty Nil - “Zombie Eyed”
This rips.
111) Microwave - “Homebody”
A good song that pulls you in further when the distortion gets bigger in the chorus.
110) AJJ - “Terrifyer”
Some days, you're a member of Queen
Other days, you're a Kottonmouth King
Some days, you're Emilio Estevez
Other days, you're Charlie Sheen
109) Band of Horses - “Casual Party”
These guys are all smooth harmonies.
108) Fitz and the Tantrums - “HandClap”
This song is pretty unoffensive, but it’s catchy enough to work.
107) Nothing - “The Dead Are Dumb”
“The Dead Are Dumb” -or- if the “Twin Peaks” theme actually went somewhere.
106) Car Seat Headrest - “Unforgiving Girl (She's Not An)”
This band kinda reminds me of The Strokes; just a liiiiiitle less New York street and a tad more indie.
105) Vince Staples f/ Kilo Kish - “Loco”
Vince got into the news this year after defending the mom who had an extreme distaste for his lyrics in 2015′s “Norf Norf”. Let’s just say she also would not enjoy this one. His interplay with Kilo is on point.
104) GTA f/ Vince Staples - “Little Bit of This”
‘ey, it’s Vince again, and this one is stronger; somehow topping the high energy of “Loco” with another level of fire-spitting.
103) The Living End - “Monkey”
The Aussies broke a 13 year album hiatus with 2016′s “Shift”, and “Monkey”, one of the lead singles, did not disappoint. There will always be a place for songwriting like this.
102) Vic Mensa - “16 Shots”
This song is so raw and street and real. Sometimes you hear something, and it just cuts like a knife. I’m talking a “Straight Outta Compton” level here. Mensa has thoughts on police brutality in Chicago, and he ain’t holding back. He played this live on Kimmel, and his solemn-yet-wired energy could not be ignored.
101) Boyd & The Stahfools - “Summerly”
Some might say BATS sold out with this very commercial ode to Pollyanna’s raspberry wheat ale, but when you consume as much of it as those boys do, I say it’s legit art.
100) Macklemore & RL f/ J. Woods - “White Privelege II”
This is kinda like the Third Eye Blind message on Black Lives Matter, only the exact opposite. It’s... quite heavy handed, and while I like that from Macklemore, I realize a lot do not. All I can say in his defense is, like, man, it really seems like this dude is trying, and he certainly attempted to involve the right people. If that’s not good enough for you, I get it.
(Plus, he kinda digs on Iggy; throwing y’all a bone, just take it.)
99) Conor Oberst - “A Little Uncanny”
Oberst sounds a ton like Bob Dylan in this one, but he also sounds a ton like Oberst. It’s kinda like two massive folk tidal waves crashing into each other.
98) Cymbals Eat Guitars - “Have A Heart”
CEG -- despite a terrific name -- have always made music that felt obtuse, but this is the first song that felt ready-made to, like, give normal people a window to check out the band.
97) Green Day- “Bang Bang”
Everyone wants to over-analyze Green Day. But if you don’t do that, you’ll enjoy this as a fast and easy pop-punk song. It plays at my gym sometimes, and I always kinda assume people are annoyed by it. To quote Josh from “Heavyweights”, this pleases me.
96) James Vincent McMorrow - “Get Low”
Chill/cool.
95) The Flatliners - “Hang My Head”
This won’t end up in their all-time Top 5, but it’s a good song, and it was nice to hear from this band in 2016.
94) AFI - “Snow Cats”
This would sound right at home as a mid-tempo number on “Sing The Sorrow”.
93) Jay Electronica - “#TBE The Curse Of Mayweather”
Oof, what a shitty title. So, this is Jay Elect’s “blast back” at Kendrick Lamar after K-Dot slaughtered the rap game (and shit, maybe rap itself) in 2013′s “Control”. But here’s the thing... “Control” was “Control”. No one is topping “Control”. No one is successfully going at “Control”. That’s in its own stratosphere. Was it fun to see the enigmatic MC try? Sure. Did it make any type of impact? Eh, no. But I did enjoy the fake Kendrick voice.
92) The Dyes - “Loudmouth”
Out of every song so far, I’ve found this the toughest to write about. My favorite part is probably the way the guitar and bass play off each other, but my second favorite part has to be how sinister and swaggery it sounds.
91) Big Sean - “Get My Shit Together”
Maaaan, I missed Big Sean in 2016 after an extremely fruitful 2015. The few times he did surface -- on other people’s songs -- he stayed in form, so you’ll see more of him as this goes.
It feel like young Ray Allen with the white twins
90) Emeli Sandé f/ Jay Electronica & Áine Zion - “Garden”
Serene, with a fitting Jay Elect verse.
89) Yumi Zouma - “Haji Awali”
Chiller than a Coleman.
88) Jimmy Eat World - “Get Right”
We’ve talked about this before, but JEW typically have sunny day feel good songs, or nighttime darkness-type songs; this one’s the latter.
87) Into It. Over It. - “No EQ”
Sooooo good; melodic and percussive and soulful. It tugs at your heart just the right amount.
86) The Front Bottoms - “Joanie”
This really, really sounds like a Front Bottoms song, which I mostly mean as a compliment but also... am slightly worried about as it pertains to future material.
85) The Lumineers - “Ophelia”
Would I like to steal this song and give it to a girl and say I wrote it to mega impress her? Uh, duh. Piano for dayz.
84) Viola Beach - “Swings & Waterslides”
Kinda a lighter version of the Arctic Monkeys; mostly the singing... but in a big way.
83) The Game - “92 Bars”
It’s sposta be a Meek Mill diss, but it’s basically Game freestyling about a buncha stuff over a workable beat. Some real solid lines, too. My favorites:
- “I can kill you in four bars, that's a Kit Kat”
- “Let me tell you who suck, like banana Now and Laters” (haha)
- “Give me Left Eye back, take Fetty Wap and the Raiders”
- “Gum by them Yeezys, I'm the 6'5" Eazy” (MVP bar?)
- “This the Golden State and my shooters ain't on no hoop shit” (coooold)
82) OMI - “Hula Hoop”
I’mma give the write up here to my girl Alyssa Pawola, via her husband, Jeff Pawola (who watched the video after she was told the song reminded me of him):
She agreed with you!
She says it's because the singer dances similar to me and is a little goofy (compliment?), whereas all the girls around him are really good dancers (thus, her).
81) Joey Purp f/ Chance The Rapper - “Girls @”
If you’re not all-in on this song by the seven or eight second mark, then you can probably pass. HOWEVA, Chance and his 3 hat appear later on, so we call that incentive, young Bucky.
80) Vinnie Caruana - “I Don’t Believe You”
The feels like a last-song-on-the-record kinda track.
/looks up if it was the last song on the record
...8 of 10!
(Close enough.)
79) No Lenox - “Leave”
This song is heart and blood, with a rare use of “fucking” from Chris Trott.
78) JANK - “Versace Summer”
JANK is interesting. All of their artwork and motif make them seem like stoners (and maybe they are), but the music itself is so technical and synced. Like, you know they’re trying and very capable. So as weird as seeing “Versace” next to “JANK” might look, maybe it’s this high end brand that truly does fit their sound over, say, Faygo. But yeah, by the time this song is done, even though they’ve played the chorus a handful of times, you probably wouldn’t mind a handful more.
77) White Lung - “Dead Weight”
This band is just the coolest shit. They always go so, so hard, but this time, there’s a guitar playing mega bad ass leads to help even things out. I would believe you if you told me the guitar was also shooting lasers.
76) Descendents - “Without Love”
Like The Living End, the Descendents have also been out of the ‘releasing new records’ game for over a decade. And as jokey of a band as they’ve been in the past, this song has some of the same earnestness and vulnerability we heard on 2004′s “Cool To Be You”.
75) Andrew Bird - “Roma Fade”
For sure a candidate for coolest song title of 2016.
74) LVL UP - “Hidden Driver”
This is too indie for its own good.
73) A$AP Ferg f/ Big Sean - “World Is Mine”
Mostly included for Sean. Sorry, Ferg -- but you did give him the hook and a verse.
72) AM Taxi - “Enough To Feel Like Enough”
Like The Front Bottoms song from earlier, this AM Taxi song is very AM Taxi. But I ain’t ever worried about AM Taxi.
71) Rozwell Kid - “Baby’s First Sideburns”
Not sure I’ve ever heard a weak song by this band.
70) PARTYNEXTDOOR f/ Drake - “Come And See Me”
If you wanted to upset your love interest in 2016, hitting him or her with the “I hear you talkin' 'bout ‘we’ a lot, oh, you speak French now?” line was probably a good place to start.
69) Tancred - “Bed Case”
Kinda ‘90s, right? Nice.
68) Thrice - “Blood On The Sand”
Moderate take alert: I purport the Thrice singer sounds like Dave Grohl in this song, particularly during the chorus. Come at me with your agrees or disagrees.
67) MakeWar - “Ode”
The dude on this band’s album cover always reminds me of Rafa Nadal, which is weird, as I’d argue he looks -20% like Rafa Nadal. This song has a downcast energy. I think I wanna see these dudes live.
66) PKEW PKEW PKEW - “Asshole Pandemic”
Party punk, wooooo. You will not find a more circular 2016 lyric than “Why’s this fuckin’ dick gotta be such a cock?”
65) Adam Friedman f/ Mike Posner - “Lemonade”
blue eyes >>> brown eyes, Adam.
64) Matt and Kim - “Let’s Run Away”
As always-always-always, Matt and Kim are having more fun than we are.
63) Ariana Grande f/ Nicki Minaj - “Side To Side”
As recently as 40 days ago, I was emaling my friends about this track with the very loaded “I’m not sure this song is good at all”.
My buddy Brian’s response will probably jar you like it jarred me:
Gotta say, I have a soft spot for this song. I think the beat is pretty banging and the subject matter is a plus. Like, we do have to acknowledge that she's walking side to side because she's been having sex with dude all night and day and now her vagina is too sore to walk like a regular person. I can dig that.
Well then.
62) With You. f/ Vince Staples - “Ghost”
Weird music video, but definitely my favorite version of Vince that we got in 2016.
61) Fifth Harmony f/ Ty Dolla $ign - “Work From Home”
I was listening to this song with my girlfriend the other day, and I said something like “This song could really use a rap cameo”. Enter: the very forgettable Ty Dolla $ign. Still, a fun, sexty song. Also, I believe this is our first -- and only? -- song to have over one billion YouTube views (!!!).
60) Masked Intruder - “If Only”
This made it over other MI candidates due to the Winnie Cooper reference.
59) Fat Joe, Remy Ma, Jay-Z f/ French Montana & Infared - “All The Way Up (Remix)”
An easy chorus for sports teams to co-opt, as well as a “fuck off me” Jay verse. He bucks “Lemonade”, ups his products for the infinite time, and drops the mic after:
The OG's say, "Hov, how high is high enough?"
I said "'till we eye and eye with the higher ups"
Until we let 'em know, we ain't those n****s
Until our baby's showered in gold, n****
Blue looking like Pac in the tub
David LaChapelle levels of not giving a fuck
Prince left his masters where they safe and sound
We never gonna let the elevator take him down
Man.
Worry not, cockroach French is around to muck things up. It’s salvaged by a real dope Remy Ma verse, though.
58) Al Scorch - “Everybody Out”
The perfect soundtrack for escaping a busted speakeasy.
57) Tegan and Sara - “Dying To Know”
This song makes the list because the “Boyfriend” chorus was lazy as hell; it was like the “Closer” chorus, version 2.0. Conversely, “Dying To Know” has real emotion and a big, legit chorus.
56) Bloc Party - “The Good News”
A song I fear no one will like but me... but hey, my list.
55) New Lenox - “It’s Its Own Thing”
This is a song I wrote (and drummed on) about how winter sucks. It’s also about Chicago, being alone, finding someone, and using Banner Pilot to get through tough, frozen times. Shout out to Dave Rokos for singing the majority of the leads and Chris Trott for producing.
54) Julien Baker - “Photobooth”
I became enamored with the voice and talent of 21-year-old phenom Julien Baker throughout 2016, and though she released her debut album in 2015 (ALL TRACKS DISQUALIFIED, CHICA), she did drop this Death Cab cover for The A.V. Club this year, so I found a way to get her in the door. Now that we’re all here, I’ll give the floor to Deadspin’s Tom Ley:
What I did not expect was to like this version of the song so much that I now become visibly disgusted when I try to go back and listen to the original. Like all the good, thoughtful teens of my era, I spent a lot of time listening to Death Cab in my car, and I used to nod along pleasantly when “Photobooth” came on. But now I’m just angry I ever wasted any time listening to a lesser version of the song. In my opinion, Death Cab should just turn their entire catalog over to Julien Baker and be done with it.
Ironically, I will be seeing Baker open up for Death Cab singer Ben Gibbard later this January.
53) Desiigner - “Panda”
This is a bad song... but it’s incredibly listenable (for about 30 seconds, only it keeps going for a normal amount of time). It got upped on Kanye’s album, which likely sparked public interest in this mumble rap disaster. Literally the best thing you can say is it’s a Future rip off -- and he’s not all that great to begin with.
/sadly looks up YouTube view total
190 million; Fifth Harmony is like “pshhhh”.
Yet, “Panda” somehow endures. It feels fresh, saying “panda” repatedly never seems to tire, and it burned down the dance floor at Brian Pawola’s wedding this summer; old and young alike wanted to be pandas.
Now is also probably a good time to disclose my Halloween costume...
52) Cloud Nothings - “Modern Act”
Me, blogging about my excitement for the new Cloud Nothings album that drops in three weeks.
51) A Tribe Called Quest f/ André 3000 - “Kids” (no link)
Welcome back.
50) Run The Jewels - “Talk To Me”
Haven’t listened to RTJ3, but it’s only been out for, like, 10 days. Still, this song is as reliably dope as they’ve always been. I also felt compelled to include ATCQ and RTJ in these spots to ensure they were not above “Panda”.
Brave men didn't die face down in the Vietnam muck so I could not style on you
49) Kevin Devine - “No History”
My aforementioned buddy Dave Rokos likes this song because of its big chorus, and I’d also like to use it as a selling point.
48) Kings Of Leon - “Reverend”
For as big as Kings Of Leon are, I haven’t really heard this song anywhere.
47) Rae Sremmurd f/ Gucci Mane - “Black Beatles”
I always thought Rae Sremmurd were kinda meh (at best) and Gucci Mane was an idiot’s idiot (at absolute best), but this song’s a banger -- and this conclusion was reached prior to it going viral with the Mannequin Challenges. Speaking of... my 2016 Black Wednesday:
A video posted by Bobby L (@bobbystompy) on Nov 23, 2016 at 7:15pm PST
46) Grimes - “Kill V. Maim”
This song is straight out of a video game or action movie. Like, get ready to fight a boss or something.
45) Dave Hause - “With You”
Heartfelt ballad that feels sprawled out across a few genres.
44) Robin Thicke f/ Nas - “Deep”
What do we get when we combine a dude with no credibility and feature a dude with tons of credibility? A sneaky sizzling collab. And if you still got beef, remember: it ain’t that deep.
43) Against Me! - “Rebecca”
A lot of people have had this AM! song on their year end lists, and I wasn’t seeing it, but after a few extra spins, it became pretty clear this was thee highlight from the album. It’s got this kinetic energy, spinning out of control while somehow maintaining perfect balance.
42) Restorations - “See”
Restorations make spectrum songs; ones you listen to while the world moves in slow motion at an airport reunion, while time stops after a death, or stretches out on an overly contemplative Sunday evening. What I’m saying is, these dudes control the clocks.
41) Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties - “Green Like The G Train, Green Like Sea Foam”
Soupy from The Wonder Years’ solo project keeps -- PUN INTENDED -- chuggin’ along with this one. He’s singing in the same gear he always sings in, but the chorus and always trusty synced rhythms that break it in two definitely get me goin’.
40) Titus Andronicus - “No Future”
Titus Andronicus covering Craig Finn, and they add just the right amount of anguish to the proceedings. There’s such an obvious-yet-still-clever element to the “February’s about as long as it is wide” line.
39) Rihanna - “Needed Me” (NSFW-ish video)
This song is good -- Mustard on the beat, natch -- but RiRi murdering a dude in the back of a strip club in the video might be better.
38) Jeff Rosenstock - “Festival Song”
The former Bomb the Music Industry! singer dipped his toe in a few genres throughout his 2016 album “Worry”, though I’m not sure how to describe this one; it’s kind of spastic punk with some synthy keyboards and a catchy outro, strong enough to throw two capable haymakers as the song enters its final minute.
37) The Steve Adamyk Band f/ Colleen Green - “Carry On”
I hadn’t even heard of this band a month ago, but “Carry On” has quickly become a favorite; toe-tappin' rock.
36) The Naked And Famous - “Higher”
This band seems like they’d have -- there is no better word I’m so sorry -- epic concerts. Also, don’t miss out on the “In The Air Tonight”-sounding fills.
35) Phantogram - “You Don’t Get Me High Anymore”
Brilliant drum samples, drug stuff, and a pop sensibility; you seriously could not ask for more.
34) Child Bite - “Vermin Mentality”
This song is quite harsh, and I imagine if you had individual approval ratings for all 132 of these songs, it would very easily finish in the bottom five. That said, I think it rocks, and it reminds me of the Dead Kennedys’ best scenario.
33) Joyce Manor - “Last You’ve Heard Of Me”
Sure, I reacted like a mom when I saw Barry’s new neck tattoo in the video, but the song was the redeemer. Recommended if you like the Everclear “Santa Monica” intro, marijuana makes you tired, or you’ve found love in the parking lot outside a karaoke bar.
32) Cassino - “Alabama Song”
If you did happen to listen to “Vermin Mentality”, this’ll probably be the song to get that taste out of your mouth. I love its overall laid back vibe, even if what it’s about remains unclear after a good chunk of listens.
31) Direct Hit! - “Was It The Acid?”
This one lost several punk points after the singer revealed he did not use hard drugs. But still.
30) Bayside - “Pretty Vacant”
My buddy Brian Pawola doesn’t like this song because of the teenage-y “I can’t believe this is my life, I’m pretty vacant all the time” chorus, but that’s precisely why I do. Also, apparently the album it’s off of is called “Vacancy”, haha.
29) PUP - “Familiar Patterns”
Feels weird not picking a single, but this one was always my favorite; the same percussive power, shreddy singing, and unrelenting noise we got in their debut a few years ago. Also funny: they named their 2016 album “The Dream Is Over”, which is what the PUP singer’s doctor told him after diagnosing his vocal chord ailment.
28) Tokyo Police Club - “Not My Girl”
Sometimes, I wanna tell non-punk fans TPC is what all punk rock sounds like, because even though the band has more of a pop-indie element, they do seem like the genre’s best case scenario more often than not.
27) The Falcon - “If Dave Did It”
Feels like sacrilege picking a Dave Hause fronted track for my Falcon choice. After all, this is Brendan Kelly’s group, and after an EP and two full lengths, it’s Dave’s first ever time fronting a song in the band. But this song kept standing out. It also has a small drum solo, and even though basically all drum solos are bad, Neil Hennessy’s on the kit -- so you know you’re in good hands.
26) Chance The Rapper f/ 2 Chainz & Lil Wayne - “No Problem”
Chance’s “Coloring Book” was so positive and creative and multi-faceted that it feels a little wrong to pick a song that’s more traditional rap with typical guests, but it really is the best song, you know? For whatever reason, Lil Wayne’s nonchalant verse was my favorite, with his initial bars being the highlight:
I got problems bigger than these boys
My deposits, they be on steroids
Lord, free the Carter, n****s need the Carter
Sacrificin' everything, I feel like Jesus Carter
But sure, we can also highlight funny 2 Chainz things:
- “Inside of the Maybach look like it came out of Ikea / Run shit like diarrhea” (oh my god)
- “Aye, aye, captain / I'm high, captain / I'm so high / Me and God dappin'” (haha)
Also, if you don’t raise-and-drop your arms for the “huh! huh!” part before the beat kicks in at the beginning after “lobby”, you’re a monster.
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25) David Rokos - “Pacific Time”
Falling in lust with a California girl who has the keys to bomb ass hotel room overlooking the ocean? What self-deprecating heterosexual dude isn’t signing up for this?
24) NOFX - “Six Years On Dope”
Thrash punk, with Fat Mike and Eric Melvin divvying up the vocals after arguing to start the song. Here’s the July 2016 description I emailed to the gf:
So, the lead singer has kind of a flat, annoying voice, but then there's this guitarist who mostly does yell parts and not a lot of leads, but in this song, they both basically trade off yelling, and the guitar is blaring, and it just does not relent. They've released a million records at this point, but something about it feels so fresh. Like new blood has been infused into all of them.
You will like... 0% of this.
Her response: “Hahaha. I wouldn't say that I hate this...but it's pretty close.”
23) Beach Slang - “Future Mixtape For The Art Kids”
Of all the artists on this way-too-long list, I had the hardest time picking a Beach Slang song. This is probably because all of their songs sound the same. But as a writer earlier this year said, it’s still a good song. So true. I went with Track 1 from their album “A Loud Bash of Teenage Feelings” (this is the actual title) because it has the biggest chorus:
We're not lost, we are dying in style
We're not fucked, we are fucking alive
I hope I never die
Every Beach Slang song also has to include “die” or “alive” in the lyrics; this one gets both. Minor gripe: that vocal distortion you hear is an effect used on every other song on the 29 minute record.
22) Kid Cudi f/ André 3000 - “By Design” (no link)
When you think too much, you’re removing what’s moving
This song could literally be in a made up language, but the diction, beat, and Caribbean stylings from Cudi and 3 Stacks would still make you wile out. The full version appears to be nowhere on the free Internet, but I highly recommend finding it.
If you’re too lazy, peep Cudi’s “Goodbye” instead. It’s a pump up track that samples 2Pac and Pink Floyd -- what could go wrong?!
21) Anderson .Paak - “Come Down”
My buddy Ceebs used this as the entrance song at his wedding; he and his wife looked so cool.
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20) The Weeknd - “False Alarm”
Listen, I wanted to include “Starboy”. But after shunning “The Hills” for “Can’t Feel My Face” in 2015, I wanted to pick the weird song over the poppier one this time, OK? This music video is so violent. I also really do wonder if this song has borderline punk elements.
19) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Higher”
Just a Carly Rae “Emotion” b-side cracking the Top 20, no big deal. Seeing CRJ in Milwaukee in March was my favorite concert of 2016; so much so that I saw her in Chicago the next day and even exchanged a shirt (...cutoffs) with the merch guy I’d met already.
18) Brian Fallon - “Red Lights”
We have The Gaslight Anthem singer’s solo project here. This could definitely be a TGA song. “I only stop to tell her that I love her at the red lights” = unstoppable swoon.
17) Jay-Z - “Spiritual”
I need a drink, shrink or something
I need an angelic voice to sing something
A song that should’ve had a much bigger spotlight in an incredibly tumultuous year. I remember listening to this during the Dallas shootings, my heart absolutely breaking for the country. Here is the statement Hov released with the track:
16) Justin Timberlake - “CAN’T STOP THE FEELING!”
Our Song of the Summer, 2K16.
The one critique you could give is maybe it’s a little too easy, a little too low hanging fruit, but my counter would be: who said pop music has to be terribly difficult? And if you’re still folding arms during the “Can’t stop the fee-laaaaahn” falsetto part, having fun probably isn’t your bag.
15) Get Well Cards - “Is It Worth It?”
I think you’re trying to kill me, when you said you’d lick my wounds
I play drums on this jam, but it’s Dave Rokos’ songwriting that gives me all the feels. It always reminded me of a slightly more restrained “Good Things”. This song is about sleeplessness, deep contemplation, and a deteriorating relationship; you don’t know if you should do everything you can to hold on... or mercifully let it all go (”And they say time is all we have to give / And I think I’ve given you enough”... oof).
14) Resolutions - “Daily Train”
Blindly assumed this band was from Canada, but, upon further research, it looks like Germany. Hmm. The singer sounds like the Rise Against dude to me.
13) Mike Posner f/ Big Sean - “Buried In Detroit (Lucas Lowe Remix)”
Hunger > Strategy
The Mike Posner comeback was one of the more delightful storylines of 2016. Though I liked “Ibiza” quite a bit, I had a softer spot for the one with his fellow Michigander. This is my favorite Big Sean performance of the year, and Posner’s verses and choruses are straight anthemic.
12) blink-182 - “Rabbit Hole”
Though we can all agree “Built This Pool” is the best song of all-time (Travis’ “Is that really it?” = completely perfect), “Rabbit Hole” was a bit more well-rounded -- and it’s Matt Skiba getting in the mix in a blink-182 song (verse two); I can’t believe we’re here.
11) Kanye West f/ Kendrick Lamar - “No More Parties In L.A.”
In honor of its number on our dear list, my Top 11 favorite bars from this banging banger of a song...
11. Kanye: “And as far as ‘Real Friends’, tell all my cousins I love 'em / Even the one that stole the laptop, you dirty motherfucker” (he’s not over it)
10. Kanye: "My psychiatrist got kids that I inspired / First song they played for me was 'bout their friend that just died” (creepy, ominous)
9. Kanye: “Hey baby, you forgot your Ray Bans / And my sheets still orange from your spray tan” (very South Naperville)
8. Kendrick: “She said she came out here to find an A-list rapper / I said baby, spin that 'round and say the alphabet backwards” (the young MC will not be slighted)
7. Kanye: "Thinking back to how I got here in the first place / Second class bitches wouldn't let me on first base" (those days are probably over, Yeezy)
6. Kanye: “Got pussy from beats I did for n****s more famous / When did I become A list? I wasn't even on a list” (those days are also probably over, Yeezy)
5. Kendrick: “Well cutie, I like your bougie booty / Come Erykah Badu me" (that’s just good game)
4. Kanye: “Every agent I know, know I hate agents / I'm too black, I'm too vocal, I'm too flagrant” (empowering)
3. Kanye: “I was uninspired since Lauryn Hill retired / And 3 Stacks, man, you preach it to the choir” (golden)
2. Kanye: "Mulholland Drive, need to put up some god damn barricades / I be paranoid every time, the pressure / The problem ain't I be drivin' / The problem is I be textin'" (we’ve all been there)
1. Kanye: “I be worried 'bout my daughter, I be worried 'bout Kim / But Saint is baby 'Ye, I ain't worried 'bout him” (and we’ll end with my favorite rap lyric of 2016)
10) Daya - “Hide Away”
It took a few listens to realize how sublime this one is. The lyrics are solid, the beat is great, and they display some real patience with how the hi-hat notes are deployed, and it really helps control the flow of urgency (Posner uses this tactic in the “Buried In Detroit [Remix]” as well).
Also, don’t sleep on its grocery store banger potential with the happier sounding and cutesy “Tell me where the good boys go” bridge.
9) Beyoncé f/ Kendrick Lamar - “Freedom” (note: link is to the live performance)
This is big.
I remember when “Lemonade” dropped, I was txting with my friend Buffalo Grove Tina (she’d heard the album and I hadn’t yet), giving her selective feedback as I was progressing through the tracks. She then sent a message that stuck with me every listen since:
Hooooooly buckets, she nailed it. The Just Blaze beat should be sent to the CDC, Yoncé is breathing fire, and once you start to finally wrap your head around all of that, you get a K-Dot verse as icing on a cake that already had great cake and great icing. It’s run-through-walls time.
8) Drake - “One Dance” (note: link is to the live version)
Drake has been so consistent with his output this decade, turning every year into a "Should I pick the hip-hop song or the pop song?" debate when it comes to list-making. This time, the pop song wins (or dancehall, really).
"One Dance" is a good joint to drink, dance, or sway to. There's a reason it became his most streamed song of all-time.
7) The Hotelier - “Piano Player”
What a beautiful piece of music. The warmness I feel during the “I don’t know if I know love no more” is unmatched. Their album (”Goodness”) is one of the year’s best.
6) Culture Abuse - “Dream On”
This song is automatic pulverization. Like, about 80% of the way through, it tries to end but somehow can't. The chorus isn't ready to be done. Some have compared the singer's style to a robot, but I think it just sounds *cool*.
5) Japandroids - “Near To The Wild Heart Of Life”
She kissed me like a chorus
Skeptics might hate on this song for sounding like a retread of their sound from 2012's legendary album "Celebration Rock", and even non-skeptics may roll their eyes at the "I used to be good, but now I'm bad" line. But I shun these trigger happy notions. Enough time has passed since “CR”, and I was ready for this band to come back; beyond ready. This song gave me everything I was missing during the Japan-void.
/walks out of the room with an unflinchingly straight face
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4) Pusha T f/ Jay-Z - “Drug Dealers Anonymous”
My pick for the best hip-hop track of the year. No choruses, no trade offs; it’s one long Pusha verse, then one long Jay verse -- the best rap verse of 2016, by my count. Pusha’s is galvanizing too, though. He paints pictures, conjures the Flint water crisis*, and sets up a bowling pin for the GOAT to roll one at...
/deep breath
Just, like, fuck, man.
JAY-Z IS SO GOOD AT RAPPING WORDS
Shawn Corey Carter doesn’t walk, he weaves. He doesn’t blast, he shoots silenced. I’d love to use the word “ether” to describe the verse but won’t out of respect. What doesn’t it have? I don’t know. Here’s what it does have: Tomi Lahren she gone, drug dealer stuff, rich guy stuff, historical and pop culture references (I’ll defend the “Damn, Daniel” line to the death), and this piece of divinity: “Y’all think Uber’s the future, our cars been autonomous”.
Sometimes all I can do is put my head down, bite my lip, and bob when this song comes on; lucky to be alive, like always.
(* - Pusha apparently donated water to the city but wanted it nameless, rationalizing it in the song with: “And I can’t even mention what I sent or what I spent / Cause my name in 18 wheelers is evidence”)
3) Modern Baseball - “Apple Cider, I Don’t Mind”
MoBo’s “Holy Ghost” was a little uneven as an album, but I’m just happy to have singer Brendan Lukens here with us after his bout with depression, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts. By the time he got back to the studio after rehab, he was ready to give us at least a little insight into his psyche -- and it’s desperate, scary, and beautiful. My favorite overall musical moment of 2016 is the pleading “I can’t” he hits at the 1:15 mark of this one.
Clocking in at a tick under two minutes, this song almost feels incomplete in a way that 2014′s “Rock Bottom” (2:14 itself) didn’t. It’s like Lukens wants to sprint so hard he passes out, worrying not as much about finishing the race but instead focusing on giving the audience all of himself while in the booth.
2) Pinegrove - “New Friends”
Hit me, Spin:
Pinegrove are almost radically likable, soft-spoken in a year of grandiose statements, filling a void that only existed in retrospect.
Damn straight. I hadn’t even heard of these guys at the start of the year.
This goes from indie folk to a Weezer-y outro with only a short build up, but the songwriting and lyrics are in a style all their own, really. That’s it.
1) The Menzingers - “Lookers”
When this dropped, my buddy Chris Trott emailed me what he always emails me when a new song piques our interest: “Holy good god damn this is good. This is like 'I believe in music again' good.”
Shortly after, I remember leaving work for lunch and bumping the song for the first time in a parking lot. I wrote him back: “Was staring at this brick wall while listening and the first thought that popped into my head was something like 'It feels like they are taking my soul out of my body and splattering it on that wall' (in the best way, of course).”
Nostalgic verses, massive Jersey chorus, an “On The Road” reference, and the desire to want more of these songs even after you were just given everything in a single installment.
This god damn band.
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#kendrick lamar#kanye west#beyonce#jay z#pinegrove#rozwell kid#masked intruder#best of 2016#music#2016#mobo#the hotelier#modern baseball#japandroids#pusha t#drake#daya#blink 182#mike posner#big sean#the weeknd#justin timberlake#carly rae jepsen#beach slang#anderson paak#young thug#the menzingers#kings of leon#cloud nothings#grimes
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Creighton chapter 2
He raises an eyebrow. “Never say never.”
I turn to Morty and Jim. “My contract doesn’t say anything about agreeing to something like that. Getting engaged is serious business, and you can’t make me.” I might sound like a petulant child, but I’m dead serious.
Jim, who puts off a fatherly air as opposed to Morty’s slimeball vibe, smiles at me.
“Sit down, Selena. I think we can all come to an agreement here. You want what’s best for your career, don’t you?”
I take a deep breath, shoving down the urge to scream again.
“Yes. That’s all I want. What’s best for my career, and this can’t be it.”
“We’ve been in this business a lot longer than you have, darlin’. You need to trust us. We’re not going to steer you wrong.”
Patronizing. There it is again.
Morty starts carrying on like this is a done deal. “It’s fucking perfect. JC, during your last song of the night, you’ll call Selena up onstage and drop to one knee. People will eat that shit up.”
“You can’t do this!”
All three men look at me, and their smiles send chills down my spine.
Holy. Shit.
“Deal with it, Wix,” Morty says with a smug smile. “This is happening, or you’re on the first bus back to the trailer park. Maybe we’ll even let you keep the diamond when it’s all over.”
Nothing I can say is going to change a thing right now, so instead, I swallow back the protests I want to scream and speak as calmly as I’m able. “This discussion isn’t over, but I have to get to practice.”
My head reeling and stomach churning, I pull my trucker hat lower and head for the door without waiting for a response.
“Let’s take that one from the top again,” I call out to my guys in the band.
I want to apologize for wasting their time today, but I don’t because then I’d have to explain why—and I can’t. But it’s impossible to concentrate on the music when I feel my dream slipping away. What won’t I do to save it? Can I go through with this farce? Everyone has a line, and I’m not sure where mine is.
But that’s not a question I’m going to be able to answer right now, so I’d better freaking focus. We have a new song that we want to add to the set list, and if we can’t get it together, we’re all going to look like idiots at the next show.
I study the guys, and am once again thankful that Homegrown didn’t screw me over on this front. My band is an amazing crew, and I’m lucky to have them. I could have ended up with a bunch of washed-up has-beens, but I got seasoned musicians with serious talent. Shocking, right?
The bitterness I feel toward Homegrown is ridiculous. It’s so hard to reconcile the fact that I have them to thank for giving me a shot to live this dream, and now they’re demanding I fall in line or sacrifice it. How is that fair? I guess it’s lucky that I wasn’t raised to think life should be fair. And besides, I’ve had my share of good fortune—if I didn’t win Country Dreams, I’d still be serving up deep-fried pickles at the bowling alley.
And Gran might still be alive, the voice of guilt whispers in my brain.
“Selena, what the hell? You planning on singing anytime soon, darlin’?”
I jerk my head around, shaking the thought from my mind as the guys silence their instruments . . . several bars after my cue.
“Sorry. I was a million miles away.”
“You need to take a breather, hon?” Lonnie, my drummer, asks as he spins one stick.
“Nah, I’m good. I just need to get my head back in the game.”
The guys look at each other, and suddenly I wonder if there’s something I’m missing.
“What?”
Darius, my bass player, finally speaks. “You getting homesick thinking about being away on Christmas Eve? Because we’ve all decided we’re catching flights home on our own dime right after the show. You should do the same.”
He’s talking about our show in three days, the one that will finally get me onstage at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Talk about a completely different universe. Little old me from Gold Haven, Kentucky, opening for country’s bad boy on a stage only slightly less impressive to me than the Opry itself. I just hope I don’t develop stage fright.
I consider Darius’s question. I’m a little homesick, but not because I want to go home—because I don’t really have a home to go to anymore. The only family I had that mattered is six feet under. My first Christmas without Gran is going to be brutal. My first everything without her has been tough, so why should this be any less painful?
Maybe I deserve the pain. Maybe I earned that pain.
But wasting this opportunity isn’t going to bring her back or absolve me of the guilt I’m carrying. Nothing will.
“You ready, Selena?”
I shake it all off as best I can—JC, the record execs, my guilt—and straighten my spine, standing taller in my worn-out boots.
“I’m ready. Let’s take it from the top.”
The rest of practice goes well because I force myself to stay firmly in this moment, firmly in the music. Singing my songs, even on this practice stage, is enough to finally drag me out of the dark place I’ve been sliding into.
As we pack up the gear when practice is finished, I check my watch. I’m headed back to Mick and Tana’s for dinner, and then home to pack for the two shows we’ve got before our extended break. First stop Philly, and then the Big Apple.
I shrug my bag over my shoulder and feel it vibrate with a text. Fishing my phone out, I see one from Tana.
TANA: I thought you said you weren’t doing it!!
I quickly tap out a reply.
ME: ??? are you talking about?
Tana’s response doesn’t hit my phone until I’m climbing into my car and firing it up.
TANA: JC. The engagement.
I called Tana as soon as I walked out of Homegrown and drove to practice. The number of f-bombs she dropped during that conversation was impressive. She almost beat out Mrs. Finchly, Gran’s next-door neighbor, when the repo man came to take her shiny new convertible because her winnings at bingo weren’t covering the payments.
Before I can type out a reply, my phone rings. Tana.
“I’m not,” I answer.
“Um, honey, have you seen Perez Hilton? Because there’s a picture of JC at the very top, and he’s buying a fucking engagement ring. He’s nothin’ but smiles.”
What? No way. No. Way.
“That’s impossible. They just—”
“Hang up the phone and google it, Selena. It’s there. It’s happening. They’re going to corner you into it, and they’re not wasting any time. You need a plan.”
“A plan?”
My brain spins, attempting to latch on to any idea at all, but I’ve got nothing. Nothing but the vision of me standing onstage at Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve celebration, the words “go screw yourself” popping out of my mouth when JC pops the question.
My career will be over. My dream will be dead.
Tana is right; I need a plan. Because boarding a bus home isn’t going to be part of my future. I might be a lot of things, but a failure isn’t one of them.
Christmas Eve, New York City
Bored.
It’s not a safe state of affairs for a man like me. Bad shit happens when I’m bored. I have a tendency to dabble in hostile takeovers when I need something to get my adrenaline pumping. Or I’ll go out and pick up three women, and introduce them to each other in the filthiest way possible.
Judge me all you want; I don’t give a fuck what you think about me. Because I own half this town, and the other half isn’t worth having.
You can check the crotch of my Gucci suit pants for yourself. Not even a hint of a bulge at the thought of a foursome. Threesomes are passé, but it’s a sad situation when even a foursome can’t get my dick interested.
Because I’m fucking bored.
I shove out of my chair and stalk to the window of my tower. You see that down there? Fifth Avenue and my city. We’re just south of the park, which means the holiday lights are everywhere.
I fucking hate Christmas. Just one more holiday that reminds me of things I’d rather forget. But enough of this shit. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I hover my thumb over the screen. I’ve got hundreds of numbers I can call and have a chick on my dick in less than fifteen minutes, even on Christmas Eve. Again, I wait for some sign of action in my pants, but I get nothing.
My dick must be broken. There’s no other explanation for it—except that I’m bored with my options. I know I’m getting repetitive, but bad things happen when I get bored. My past is littered with mistakes that arose from situations like this one.
But you know what? I’m in the mood to make another mistake. It’s time to grab my suit jacket and find out what kind of trouble I can get into tonight.
Christmas Eve, New York City
I’m giving myself a man for Christmas. Yes, a man.
I can do this. Really, I can. I think. Maybe.
From just inside the door, I scan the fancy hotel bar, looking for a likely prospect. The warmth of the whiskey I drank at the after party buzzes through me in a happy hum. I needed more than a little liquid courage to talk myself into this plan. I think it’s safe to say that this is my first rodeo.
And of course, I had to choose something way out of my league. But who knew the hotel bar would be so dang fancy? The Rose Club at the Plaza. Fifth Avenue, New York City.
I stifle the urge to check the carpet for any traces of mud that might have fallen off my cowboy boots, and wonder if it’s the first time a Kentucky girl in honest-to-God shit-kickers has stepped into this joint. Although, these boots are part of my stage costume, so the fringe and rhinestone-encrusted leather is a heck of a lot nicer than the worn-out ones I left in my cubby on the bus.
The bluish-purple glow coming from the ornate domed light fixtures makes it look like someone dunked the whole room in grape juice, giving the bar a kind of otherworldly feel. One look at the handful of folks in here tonight makes it clear that these people are from a completely different planet than me.
But I push aside the comparison and venture closer to the shiny wooden bar. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to need another shot of that liquid courage.
I slide onto one of the velvet bar stools, absolutely aware of the fact that my tiny jean skirt is riding up my thighs. A man in a suit one stool down is eyeing my legs while he swirls the liquor in his glass. I can’t tell what color it is, because everything takes on the unnatural shade of the lights.
I’m grateful for those lights. Something about the color is mellow and sexy, and it gives me the guts to follow through with my plan.
My Christmas list may be short, but it’s certainly specific. One man with enough cockiness and a smoking-hot body to take my mind off the grief stalking me tonight.
I snag the drink menu and flip it open. It lands on exactly the page I need. American Whiskey. The best damn kind there is. My jaw drops when I read the prices.
“Holy shit. Sixteen dollars for Jack Daniel’s? What the hell? Did Jack rise from the grave and make that mash himself? Holy . . . damn.” My voice carries, and everyone in the room, including the bartender in his snazzy suit, turns to look at me.
The guy one seat over must take that as some sort of invitation, and slides onto the velvet stool next to me. His smile is as smarmy as his words.
“I’ll buy a pretty girl a drink.” He jerks his head toward the bartender. “Put whatever she wants on my tab.”
Well, that didn’t take long.
I drop my gaze quickly, and the paunch straining the buttons of his dress shirt quickly disqualifies him as having the smoking-hot body on my Christmas wish list. But maybe this is a situation where beggars can’t be choosers?
I’ve never been much of a barfly, but the few times I’ve ventured out after shows with the guys, it seems like I always get these business types who spend a little too much time on the road, and none of it hitting the hotel gym.
Resignation filters through me. Maybe this is as good as it gets? One thing is clear, even through the warmth of the whiskey—this is the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.
“Thank you, but I think I’m a little lost tonight.” I flip the menu shut. “I should probably just get back to my room.”
The label put me up at the Plaza as a goodwill gesture for doing the show on Christmas Eve; otherwise, I would never drop that kind of money on a hotel, even if I had that kind of cash to spare—which I don’t.
He lays a hand on my arm. “How can you be lost, when I just found you?”
The line is cheesy, and I’m not even sure it counts as a line. But either way, I’ll be better off with some room-service dessert and a pity party for one.
I slide off the edge of the stool, but his grip tightens before his hand lands on my leg, sliding up my skirt almost instantly.
“You can’t go yet. We haven’t even gotten acquainted. Just let me buy you a drink. I promise I’ll make it worth your while, sweetheart.”
Chills of ick run through me at his touch, and I struggle to slide out of his grip, but he’s got me trapped. Apparently he thinks I’m a hooker, but my skirt isn’t that short.
Reaching down to pry his hand off my leg, I dig my nails in, but he just squeezes tighter.
Seriously, world? This is what I get when I try to have some harmless fun? Not. Fair.
I yank at his hand and open my mouth to tell him to let go when a rough, deep voice curls around me.
“I’ll thank you to take your hands off my wife.”
In one swift move, the unwelcome hands touching me are gone, and the man is stumbling off his stool. My gaze jerks from the handsy guy trying to catch his balance, and darts over my left shoulder.
Another guy in a suit. Except instead of being on the slippery side of fifty and overweight, this man might just be God’s gift to women. Or maybe just Saint Nick’s gift to me in the form of a rescue? Because, holy wow. Dark brown hair falls perfectly over his forehead, and his cheekbones could have been carved by one of those Italian master sculptor guys.
A hint of recognition tugs at the edges of my whiskey-soaked brain as his dark eyes burn into mine, as if daring me to play along. I don’t know what his game is, but for him . . . I might just be willing to try it.
The sexy man in the suit lifts a hand to my hair and smooths a lock between two fingers. His dark brown eyes never leave mine. “Darling, I told you that the picking-up-strangers game to make me jealous was for New Year’s Eve, not Christmas Eve.”
The other guy backs away another step, and the memory of his touch is fading just as quickly as it came. It’s like watching the laws of nature play: the beta male bows to the alpha, and the sexy man in the suit is one hundred percent the alpha dog in this situation.
Whatever pheromones he’s throwing off have me shifting on the velvet bar stool and leaning closer to him without thinking. It’s a million times better than the thought of getting up close and personal with Handsy. I reach down to rub my arm where the jerk touched me, and a red mark has already appeared.
Alpha Dog doesn’t miss my move. He lays a possessive hand on my shoulder and speaks to Handsy in a low, dangerous growl. “If you don’t want to be still picking up teeth next Christmas Eve, I’d suggest you pay your tab and get the fuck out of here before I lose my temper. You don’t ever put your hands on a woman who clearly isn’t interested.”
Handsy apparently doesn’t recognize the alpha yet. “She came in here looking like she was trolling for a man. She was fucking interested. Maybe you should keep a leash on your woman if you can’t control her.”
I open my mouth to tell him I was most definitely not interested, but Alpha speaks first.
“I suggest you walk away while you’re still able.”
Alpha’s expression must be even more dangerous than his words, because Handsy snaps his fingers at the bartender, who slides an embossed leather folder down the bar. Apparently he’s been listening to this whole exchange as well, because he’s grinning smugly.
Alpha slides an arm around my middle and pulls me back against his solid chest. It’s everything I can do to stop myself from purring and rubbing up against him like a tabby cat in heat.
What is coming over me? I’ve never reacted like this to any man before. I should want to shower off the other guy, but instead I just want to get closer to the leader of the pack behind me.
Handsy flips the folder open and fumbles for his wallet.
Alpha Dog clips out, “Make sure you leave a good tip.”
The other man is counting out bills, and Alpha Dog’s thumb begins to rub a path back and forth across my stomach, just below my breasts. With every stroke, I press more weight back against him as all the nerve endings in my body seem to come to life at once.
His chest rumbles with his words. “Two hundred should be sufficient. It’s fucking Christmas. Don’t be a cheap fuck, you prick.”
I bite my lip to hold back the giggle welling up inside me.
Handsy shoves two hundreds inside and flips the leather folder shut before stumbling off his stool.
He takes three steps, and Alpha says, “I sure as hell hope you haven’t forgotten to apologize to my wife for being a dick before you go.”
Handsy pauses and stiffens. “Sorry, ma’am. I apologize sincerely.”
My belly shakes with silent laughter, and Alpha squeezes me tighter.
“Something funny, sweetheart?”
I’m debating whether I should disentangle myself from his hold to face him when he takes the decision out of my hands and drops his arm. He pulls out the bar stool next to me, unbuttons his suit jacket, and sits.
I expect him to turn and start explaining what just happened, and why the hell he rescued me and then pretended to be my husband, but he just holds up two fingers.
“Bushmills 21 for the lady.”
The bartender hops to it, nodding before he grabs a tall bottle from the top shelf.
“I’ll have a double shot of Jack,” I say, correcting him.
The bartender freezes and looks from me to Alpha Dog.
My sideways glance reveals him shaking his head. “She’ll have the Bushmills. We’re expanding her palate.”
I look at him and open my mouth to object, but get distracted by his profile. The man is beautiful, from his dark hair and equally dark eyes to his black tie tucked into a matching three-button vest. My eyes drop lower to the bulge in his suit pants. I swallow and remember exactly why I’m sitting in this bar tonight.
It hits me like a splash of slush from a cab on my boots. I know exactly who he is, because he doesn’t look all that different from the cover of Forbes that Tana had at her house a couple of months ago. I still remember the headline: KARAS CRUSHES COMPETITION.
Well, he certainly crushed the competition tonight. The rush of nervousness I was already feeling builds. The Selena gives herself a man for Christmas plan is suddenly alive and well again.
But how do I do this? I’ve never propositioned a stranger in a bar, let alone a billionaire. Or is this already a foregone conclusion, and he’s just waiting for me to catch up to his agenda for the evening?
“We’re expanding my palate?” My words come out breathier than I intended.
His full lips slide into a lazy, yet predatory smile. “In this respect, and I’m hoping a few others before the night is over.”
Oh. My. God.
I sure hope I know what I’m getting myself into.
Fuck me.
That’s what her glossy siren-red lips are saying, and I don’t think she has a goddamn clue how edible she looks sitting perched on that stool. She shifts, and the rhinestones at her neck, ears, and wrist flash purple in the trademark light of the Rose Club—light that’s more accustomed to reflecting off diamonds than costume jewelry.
She drew my eye when she stepped through the door because she looked so utterly out of place. But I haven’t been able to take my eyes off her because . . . Fuck. I have no idea. I’ve had my fair share of beautiful women, but this one’s a completely different breed. Not the trained purebred type of woman who crowds this place, tittering and looking for her next meal ticket.
No. One look at her, and I know she’s untrained and innocent. She’s not the kind of woman who is going to be angling for a handout, and the absolute lack of motive behind her actions is more alluring than I would have guessed. The way she instantly played along and never shied from my touch. Hell, she leaned into me, wanting more. She’s rare, and I’m the kind of man who appreciates that quality more than most when it comes to choosing a woman.
And then there’s the fact that she’s sitting in this bar on Christmas Eve with no ring on her finger—not sure how the dumb fuck missed the lack of that little accessory. It tells me she’s as alone in this city tonight as I am.
Boredom is now the last thing on my mind. This innocent girl has managed to eradicate every trace of it.
I make my decision instantly. She’s mine tonight.
The bartender, Aric, according to his nametag, sets our whiskey down in front of us.
“Please let me know if I can get you anything else, Mr. Karas.”
I wince as he says my name. I expect her demeanor to change immediately, for greedy claws to come out and spear into me.
Instead, she eyes the lowball glass in front of her. “How much is that drink gonna cost me? Ten dollars a swallow?”
I barely hold back a groan at the word swallow, because, fuck, I’m a guy, and I’ve already been picturing my dick in her mouth.
“Not a thing, sweetheart. I wouldn’t let a woman drink alone, and I sure as hell wouldn’t let her pay for her own drinks.”
I wait for an objection, but instead she lifts the glass and sniffs its contents.
“Kinda smells like . . . candy?”
“Caramelized toffee and dark chocolate.”
Her lips press against the rim, and she tips back a swig. Fuck. Her throat works as she swallows the liquor.
I want to taste it on her lips. Hell, I just want to taste her. I lean in, not even totally conscious of my movement, but urged on by the need to sample my favorite Irish whiskey from her, rather than from the glass.
But she freezes, and so do I.
Her brown eyes widen. “Holy horseshit, that’s some good stuff.”
My chest shakes as a chuckle breaks loose. “Damn straight.”
Her mouth curves into a grin as she lifts and sips again. This time she swallows more, and my dick pulses against the zipper of my suit pants. I want her on her knees, those wide brown eyes staring up at me as I cup her jaw and thrust my cock between those lush red lips.
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