#Calicobeard
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Idk what people find so confusing about Calico Jack getting laid. Like he's got that trailer park meth dealer swag of course Ed Teach, known Rhino Horn enthusiast, and Anne Bonny with her camo shirt and her clumpy mascara want a piece of him. Leather daddies will hook up with party and play bisexuals with silly mustaches as sure as the sun will rise. This is the way of the world. This is the nature of things.
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calico jack definitely did the "trust no one" tattoo for ed and i'm sorry everyone but edward "whip my balls" "painslut" teach absolutely had jack fuck him nasty as SOON as it was done
probably how the n got fucked up
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they got almost matching tattoos on the same fucking arm. jack got a whip and ed got a snake. girl what the fuck I'm gonna lose my mind. WHO suggested it WHO did this WHY GIRL HOW augh what??? hello??? matching tattoos??
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#stackedhands#ofmd#gentlebeard#edizzy#cjizzy#calicobeard#calicohands#blackbonnet#calico jack#Izzy hands#ofmd crack
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You ever get worms?
Nah, Eddie took me to the vet and then snuck the pill into my wet food.
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Make You Laugh
Eddie had never felt so wretched at the beginning of shoreleave. Normally feeling sick was confined to the last day as the crew suffered through their hangovers in an attempt to board the ship at least somewhat sober when the time came.
But Eddie hadn't had anything to drink. And he probably wouldn't get to. He'd have to pay the doctor and then shell out for a room in which to curl up for a few days and hopefully sleep it all off. That didn't leave anything for drink. It didn't leave much of anything for food either but one step at a time.
Fuck Hornigold and double fuck fucking Timothy (rest his soul).
Ed and Timothy had boarded the merchant ship together during the raid. The plan - the fucking plan - was that they'd fight together in the stern. But Timothy got ... excited or panicked or something and next thing Ed knew he was running up amidships slashing and hacking as he went. Which left Ed in the stern. By himself.
He'd done his best but his arm had gotten slashed all to hell. Which sucked but admittedly didn't hold a candle to what happened to Timothy when Hornigold found out he'd abandoned his post.
Ed hadn't fucking told. Timothy got himself caught up near the bow somehow and Ed heard the mate yelling "what are you doing up here?" and winced despite his frustration and the blood dripping down his arm.
Timothy was keelhauled later that night. And Ed was called forward by the mate and informed that he'd be holystoning the decks with sea water for losing control - shredded arm and all.
It hadn't been Ed's job to watch Timothy and he could tell the mate disagreed with the punishment. The mate didn't like when expectations weren't clear. But they were all just bobbing along in Hornigold's wake so the mate handed Ed the holystone and bucket and Ed holystoned the decks. His arm didn't like that.
His arm had not gotten better in the days that followed.
So now here he was on shoreleave, tired and sick and about to pay out all his share for a doctor and a bed to crawl into. Fuck.
"Eddie! Hey Eddie!" Jack popped out of a tavern door and ran up to Ed. "Wanna bet I can chug this whole gallon of milk?"
Eddie gave Jack a once over. He did, indeed, have a gallon of milk. "What do you have that for?" he asked.
"To chug. Nicked it when the barkeep's back was turned. Come on! Think I can chug it?"
"No," Ed said.
"Watch!" Jack winked, tipped his head back, and put the neck of the gallon to his lips. He started strong with at least five good swallows but he appeared to have forgotten he'd need to breathe at some point. His eyes began to take on a panicked look. At last he breathed in. But he forgot to take the bottle away from his lips so what he breathed in was milk.
Things got chaotic after that. Jack coughed and choked and wheezed and continued to pour a steady stream of milk down the front of his shirt.
Ed started laughing. He couldn't help it.
Then Jack started laughing, too. In between choking.
When Jack could speak again he rasped "Told you I could do it!"
That was it for Ed. "Fuck!" he gasped, laughing so hard tears ran down his cheeks. He kept trying to get himself under control then he'd look at Jack and start again.
Something was unfolding warm in his chest. That was the thing about a boy doing something stupid to make you laugh - it was stupid but it meant he wanted you to laugh.
"So where are you headed?" Jack asked once they'd finally laughed themselves out and Jack had wiped some of the milk out of his eyes.
Ed sighed. "Doctor. Fucked my arm up. Then inn, I guess. Need to sleep."
"Wanna go halvsies on a room?" Jack gave him an obviously calculating look.
"No, you'll be loud and invite the whole town over."
"Yeah, but you're fucked up enough to sleep through at least some of that. And I'll be gone during the day. Mostly. We can get a nicer room if we both chip in."
Ed thought about it. If he and Jack went in on a room together it would leave him enough coin to buy a square meal or two. And he'd have someone there if he got really sick. Jack was probably better than no one at all. Probably.
Ed would never tell but he was a little scared. At least someone would know if he died.
"Fuck it. Yeah. I'll go in on a room with you. Meet you at the inn?"
"Hell yeah!" Jack pumped the air. "Go do your doctor thing. I'll meet you at the inn."
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very funny that people think Ed would choose "marry Jack/ fuck Izzy" you don't act like Jack does while pulling the hotties he's pulled unless you lay some Olympic pipe
oh man i want to agree with you so bad bc ed deserves to have fantastic sex (and he will, eventually, with stede, but he deserves it before that too) however for personal reasons i have a different headcanon re: cj’s performance in bed
also i don’t know enough abt the anne bonny situation to even begin to speculate how jack scored with her (personally my fingers are crossed that she turns out to be just as unhinged and chaotic neutral as jack) but the thing that we have to understand about ed and jack is that yes jack is an annoying douche but ed likes hanging out with him. i feel like a lot of this fandom always casts jack as like a shitty ex boyfriend or writes their relationship as primarily consisting of them hooking up but canonically we see ed having a GREAT time hanging out with ed!!! they’re fuckbuddies emphasis on buddies, the sex is literally secondary to their friendship (bc yes even tho ed says he has no friends and also cj says they’re not friends, by most people’s definition jack IS a friend, just a very shitty one)! fucking (or “buggering” lol) is something they do from time to time, but it is not the only thing they do. in their adult life they’ve probably hooked up every time they ran into each other but not until after they partied together all night.
anyway this ask was sent in response to this poll where MY question is “why are people voting for fuck izzy/marry stede/kill jack obviously ed would rather marry jack and kill izzy” bc like. Canonically. we know that ed has fucked jack. meanwhile there is zero evidence that ed and izzy have ever hooked up AND ALSO when izzy was horny for ed choking him ed looked visibly disgusted and afraid. izzy’s little cheek stroke and “there he is” made ed’s dick shrivel up and hide inside his pelvis. he is not picking fuck izzy.
one more thing tho, bc while in my head cj is only okay at sex, i will say one thing about him:
people with penises don’t pee like ^this^ unless they’re intentionally trying to show off their dick. i cannot fathom any other reason for why jack is doing some avant-garde hands-free pissing strategy in this scene. the man is gripping that bamboo like he’s trying to commune with nature and his dick is just free-hanging in the breeze. he is putting his junk on Display and that is because he is confident in his package.
calico jack may or may not be good in bed but he definitely has a massive dong.
#ask#anon#mine#txt#og#ofmd#our flag means death#meta#ofmd meta#edward teach#izzy hands#calico jack#edward teach born on a beach#calico jack rackham#dizzy izzy#jackbeard#calicobeard#izzy critical#(just in case)#ofmd s2 spoilers#the spoiler is the existence of anne bonny
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#ed teach#edward teach#calico jack#jack rackham#blackbeard#blackjack#calicobeard#our flag means death#its always sunny in philadelphia#i have no idea what the shipname here is
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My contribution to Get Izzy Laid Day: 6,969 words of JackEdHands smut 🐴💜♠️
Calico Jack x Edward Teach x Izzy Hands
Modern AU Frat Boy One-Shot
6,969 words, Explicit
Summary:
Izzy planned for a quiet night in.
Ed planned to get drunk and have fun.
Jack didn’t have a plan, but he’s good at improvising.
#our flag means death#ofmd fanfic#smut#izzy hands#edward teach#calico jack#jackedhands#edizzy#cjizzy#calicobeard#modern au#mildly dubious consent#get izzy laid day
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more CalicoBlack shipper manifesto material:
When the choice is "who do you want to spend time with? who do you want to hang out and do pirate shit with?" Ed choses Jack.
When the choice is "whose life is most valuable to you? who would you stand by in a crisis?" Ed choses Stede.
And I just relate to that so hard. The person I want to live next to is not always the person I want to die for.
#calicoblack#calicobeard#calico jack#ofmd#meta#our flag means death#blackbeard#edward teach#ship manifesto#i guess its different#since the person i want to die for#mostly rejected me for being too american#that was years ago but#happy 4th you know
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Anyway the thing about the Jack discourse a few days ago is that human beings are very multi dimensional. Someone who doesn't really care about being perceived as nice can be a real sack of shit to one person who rubs them the wrong way and can actually be fun to be around for a person that they're sweet on. Now, you don't owe any given fictional character the benefit of the doubt in terms of treating them like a person, especially not 15 minute cameo character. However if you want to understand the relationships that fictional characters have with other fictional characters, you have to realize that those two fictional characters you're discussing are both experiencing each other as multi layered human beings, even if you the audience are not experiencing them that way.
When it comes to Jack and Ed specifically there is canonical dialogue to remind us of this: "give him a chance, you two have a lot in common, he comes on a big strong at first but he's insecure." Ed is very clearly canonically experiencing Jack as more than just a huge piece of shit. So if you want to discuss their relationship and Ed's motives for having sex with him, you have to acknowledge that Jack demonstrably treats Ed differently than how he treats Stede, and that Jack has been at least accidentally vulnerable with him before, and that Ed has reason for liking him, even if that reason is "patched each other up after hornigold based beatings and stabbings".
tl;dr: when I see someone saying they just dont believe that Ed would have sex with someone so vicious (as if he's uniformly mean to everyone and vicious is an immutable characteristic rather than a description of behavior) and that they can't conceive of that sexual relationship as anything other than self harm, it tells me that they're refusing to engage with Ed's perspective even when he gives it to them verbally.
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so help me i will not write the jack and ed desperate messy rebound au because i CANT continue to be that person, but, i'm just saying, if jack survives, he's going to be a little irritated that ed fucked off and he got fucked up, but they're pirates. they're always fucking each other over. he'll just say ed owes him one and ed will be fucked up and sad enough that he'll grumble and then let jack on board anyway because yeah jack was being a dick but wasn't he RIGHT in the end
wasn't stede just fucking him over?
jack busting ed's chops and laughing that ed didn't even get his dick wet with stede, as he'd put it, only to see that ed is actually sad and punch him in the arm like don't be a pussy man, and when that doesn't work, dragging ed out for a drink and a raid and they barely escape with their lives and the riches and the crew all has their blood running hot from adrenaline and jack says hey man - for old time's sake
and throws a molotov cocktail at the ship they've just raided.
it burns. it burns.
the crew jump into the sea. the ones who can.
and ed thinks of stede tricking a party of aristocrats into setting their own ship on fire. he thinks of his own past, of a crew trapped in the bowels of the ship when the fire starts. he feels sick. he feels weak.
he drinks instead of thinking about it. he drinks and jack kisses him, pressed up against the rail and growls about the fun they'll have, the two of them wrecking havoc again.
and ed doesn't want to be alone. doesn't want to be alone, can't stand to be alone again, rejected again, he's so fucking tired and he just wants to feel something good -
but if he can't have good, he'll take the something
#ofmd#edward teach#calico jack#calico jack rackham#calicobeard#whatever their ship name is#technically also#aus open to good home
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I'm losing my mcfucking mind ed and jack have near matching tattoos. yet another example of how calicobeard has everything certain edizzy people want edizzy to have. I love canon edizzy. if you follow me you know that I think their dynamic is juicy as fuck. the toxicity. the inability to communicate. the rancid horrible vibes. the way they make each other worse. but calicobeard? the have matching fucking tattoos. that's the young love lost. that's the old friend betrayal. that's the you and me forever until they drift apart. AUGH ohmygod more people should be into calicobeard.
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Anne and Ed after divorcing Jack:
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💗Is there a scene you can’t wait to write for a WIP?
YES! A lot of them actually.
Probably the one I am most excited about is a hurt/comfort calicobeard scene that of course becomes fucking. Part of the college AU and it'll likely be the only one without Izzy.
I also have half a scene already written where Jack and Izzy fuck at Stede's makeup table in his dressing room while he's starring in a play. Finishing that one will be fun.
Thank you for the ask! If anybody else wants to play, here's the list!
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