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#But it's very hard to get myself to care about the comings and goings of uni students compared to Playboyy and Pit babe
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I love your writing! Can you please write a 2003!Leo X reader where Leo shows up at their apartment injured so they bandage him up and give him some comfort (by making him lay down and relax while they ride him)👀
Injured (Angst/Fluff) (18+)
2003!Leonardo x reader
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A/N: Finally got around to write something!💚 I’ve been so busy, but I hope this was worth the wait💚 Btw, I’ve just started watching the Fallout series, so I had to stop myself from going to gorish.
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All characters are aged up.
Warnings: Description of wound, blood, mentioning of sewing a wound, masturbation?, stripping, unprotected sex, cowgirl position, implied orale - female receiving.
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“What the hell happened?!”, you asked in a panic as you helped Leo in through your window, your body shaking at the sight of his hand, clutching his bleeding side, covering the palm of his hand in a deep red color.
“Foot ninjas”, your boyfriend muttered through gritted teeth, pain shooting across his face with every move, as you guided him towards the couch. “Wanted to get some night training in, but they surprised me. I was just lucky to be so close by”.
“Does anybody know that you’re out?”, you asked, your mind raising trying to remember everything that the turtles had taught you, in case something like this would happen. Granted, you had never thought it would happen…
“Yes”, Leo answered, his voice straining a bit, trying to cover the pain in his right side, while watching you hurry through your apartment, in order to find everything you needed. He knew very well that you were trying to keep him talking. Talking and awake. “I asked if they wanted to come along, but they said no. Probably a good thing”.
You almost fell down next to the couch, fumbling with the first aid kit in your hands, taking deep breaths in order to calm yourself. Just like Leo had taught you. And finally, you were able to open the first aid kit, feeling some form of calm wash over you, as you got to work on Leo’s wound.
You had never heard Leo make such sounds as the ones he did that night. He groaned in pain when you sewed his injury shut, his hands clutching on the couch pillows, his breathing heavy as he tried to calm himself. The pain a mutant was able to go through was still hard for you to wrap your head around. And for a moment you had to steady yourself, in order not to let your hands shake once again.
Once you had finally bandaged Leo’s wound, you helped him from your couch and into your bedroom, laying him down on your bed, so that he could relax, while you took on the task of cleaning your living room, from the red blood he had brought with him. You disinfected the hard surfaces, and took the fabric off of your couch, contemplating whether or not you should try to bleach it, or just get a whole new set. In the end, you decided to worry about it another day.
“How are you feeling?”, you asked as you reentered your bedroom, seeing Leo still laying on your bed.
“Better”, Leo smiled. “Can already feel it healing”.
“The perks of being a mutant”, you smiled, before taking a seat next to your boyfriend.
“I guess so”, Leo said, his hand instinctively finding yours, before interlocking your fingers.
You sat like this for a moment, smiling at each other, looking into each others’ eyes, before Leo's hands slowly came to your face, his thumb stroking your cheek. You instinctively knew what this gesture meant, and with a small chuckle, you leaned down, before pressing your lips to Leo’s in a soft and sweet kiss. Leo let out a small hum - a sound of joy and relaxation. Sure, his wound may have been taken care of, but that did not change his still somewhat alert stage. So to feel you like this against him, made him calm down. His breathing deeper and his touch heavier against your cheek. You had experienced Leo’s minor changes in actions before, knowing very well what effect you had on him. Therefore it did not surprise you when his small hum turned into a small churr, somewhere deep within his chest, the hand on your face getting a soft yet firm grip on the side of your face. It was almost instinctive. Sudden yet very slow. Leo was holding back, both because of his wound, but also because of you. He would never do anything without making sure that it was okay with you.
With another small chuckle, you leaned your head to the side, allowing you to deepen your kiss, Leo’s hand moving from your face to your hair, tangling his fingers with your locks. You felt Leo’s tongue glide across your lower lip, asking you for entrance, which you gladly accepted. Your tongues danced together in a sloppy dance, small sounds of joy and excitement escaping the two of you.
Leo placed his other hand on the mattress, leaning on it as he tried to sit up, your lips still on each other. But he did not get far before you pushed him back down on the bed, breaking your kiss as you did so. Leo looked up at you in slight confusion, only to be met by a mischievous smile by you.
“You’re injured”, you said, your hands finding the bottom of your shirt before pulling it off. “And it’s my job to take care of you”.
Catching on to what you meant, Leo let out a strangled noise, feeling the need behind his cloaca grow. With lustful eyes he watched as your hands moved to the zipper of your pants, before slowly taking them off. Had he not had a gash in his side, he would have jumped on you by now. Instead he settled for curling one arm up around his head, letting his other slowly run towards his cloaca as he watched you slide your pants down your legs.
Once your pants were off, your hands slowly ran from your hips up to your chest, where you let your hands glide over your bra covered breasts. Catching Leo’s eyes as you did so, he let out another wounded sound, before slowly undoing himself from his cloaca, holding his erect member in his hand while he waited for you to continue your little show for him. And you did, undoing your bra before letting it fall to the floor, so that your hands could start massaging your chest. Leo chuckled with a small smile, his hand slowly beginning to work up and down his member.
“Beautiful”, he mumbled, his voice having gone deeper and slightly raspy, making your panties more wet than they already were. “Absolutely beautiful”.
You felt pride bobble within you. Leo’s words always seemed to have that kind of effect on you. Just like you could turn him on with his, so could he turn you on. And he knew it. He could smell it, your scent strong in the air, making him just a little light headed. And he loved it. He had always loved what the scent of your arousal was able to do to him.
Your hands went from your breasts and down to the hem of your underwear, taking a hold of them by hooking your thumbs, before slowly pulling them down your hips, all while maintaining your intense eye contact with Leo. This had Leo churring much louder, with his hand quickening its motion on his erect member. What eye contact couldn’t do to this man.
You let your panties fall to the floor before stepping out of them, making your way up on the bed, stradling Leo’s waist. Having retracted his hand from his member, in order to make room for you, Leo’s hands came to rest on your thighs, needling the flesh, before letting his right hand move upwards, with the intent of cupping your sex. However, you slapped his hand away with another mischievous smile.
“I just told you, I’m the one that’s going to take care of you”.
Leo relented, letting his hands run mindlessly up and down your thighs, watching as you took his throbbing member into your hand, letting your thumb run over the tip of his head, smearing his precum around.
Leo’s brow muscles frowned as he let out a shaky breath, watching your hand do slow tugs on him, before carefully lining him up with your entrance, teasing both you and him.
“(Y/N)...”, Leo let out in a low moan, his fingers holding on tight to your thighs.
You bit your lip with a smile, knowing exactly what it was that your boyfriend wanted, making sure that you were lined up, before slowly sliding down upon him. You let out a breathy moan as you felt his thickness stretch you out, the sound of Leo’s churring only becoming stronger and louder, his hands becoming restless on your thighs once more. If it wasn’t from the wound on his side, he would have thrusted up into you. He would have pulled you down, so that you would lay flat against his plastron, where he could allow himself to pound into you relentlessly. But he couldn’t, leaving his at the mercy of you to give him needed.
“Now, lay still”, you said, already breathless just from his size, before you slowly started to rise up his member, only to slide back down on it once more, making you both moan from the small wave of pleasure. You repeated the motion, slowly increasing your speed as you went.
“Shit, babe”, Leo groaned, watching as your chest began to bounce with your movements, one of his hands grabbing one with a squish. You in turn let out a louder moan, before angling your legs, allowing you to increase your speed even further, your skin slapping against his with every bounce, the head of his member hitting the spot of your insides with ease.
With the increase of your speed, Leo threw his head back with a moan, closing his eyes momentarily at the amazing feeling of your tight wet walls around him.
“Don’t stop, babe”, Leo moaned, his eyes still closed and his face showing the relaxation and pleasure he was feeling. “Please don’t stop, (Y/N)”.
His words spurred you on, your hands coming to rest on his chest, providing you more support with each move. One of Leo’s hands found yours on his chest, stroking it with his thumb, watching your form above him, the looks he was giving you sending shivers and tingles straight to your core.
It might have been Leo’s slightly weakened state, or the fact that you made him calm down after a period of intense emotions with adrenaline rushing, but to his surprise, Leo already found the pressure build up behind his cloaca, alerting him to the fact that he was getting close. And you knew Leo well enough to know that he was close as well. From the restlessness of his hands feeling up your body, the way that his legs were moving behind you, and how his hips fought to move with you, was letting you know how close he was getting to his high.
“Want to cum?”, you asked sweetly. Leo nodded, his hooded yet lustful eyes never leaving yours. It was strange yet incredibly erotic to see him like this. Normally he was full of energy, having to use his impressive self control to hold himself back from fucking your brains out. But right now it wasn’t an option. With Leo’s wound and his body relaxing after such a high state, he did not have energy to hold back or hold his hips still, nor did he have the energy to force you down on the mattress and plow into you. He was truly at your mercy.
“Yes”, Leo almost whimpered, his fingers lightly clawing at your hips. “Fuck, yes please. I want to cum”.
The sound of Leo begging was new to you. Usually he would be the one calling the shots in the bedroom, edging you over and over again, and making you beg before he would let your orgasm take over you. But now, as your normally dominant boyfriend was begging beneath you, you suddenly understood why he wanted you to do the same usually. It felt like a powerrush. It was almost too good not to enjoy. And had Leo not been injured, you might have done it. Toyed with it, and do the same to him like he usually did to you. But you decided against it, not wishing to accidentally make his injury worse. Tonight the goal was to make Leo relax, and provide him comfort.
You leaned your face down to Leo’s, where you gave him a quick kiss, before moving your lips to neck, passing by where his ears would have been, whispering to him in a sultry voice; “Then cum for me, babe”.
And Leo did, moving his head to the side, giving you space to work your lips over his neck, while he came inside of you, his hips buckling as much as his wound would allow him to, his churrs and moans filling the room, making the excitement in your core grow even stronger.
Once Leo was calming down from his high, you moved to get off of him and lay down on the bed, letting his member slip out of you. But before you could get up from your straddling position, Leo stopped you with his hands on your waist.
“Where do you think you’re going?”, he asked with a slight mischievous glint in his eyes.
“I’m going to lay down so we can cuddle”, you said. “Just like we always do when we’re done”.
“Nah, we’re not done”, Leo said, pulling your hips back to his.
“But Leo, your wound-”.
“My wound is on my side, not on my face”, your boyfriend said, catching you off guard, leaving you stunned for a moment. He smiled at you, enjoying the look on your face, tugging at your hips. “Now, move up, sweetheart. I can’t heal without eating”.
Who would have thought that even a wounded Leo, would find ways to make you beg all night long…
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xoxotlou · 2 days
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there’s something so special about seeing yourself in a character- i truly resonate so deeply with ellie for so many reasons and i thought i would just talk about that for a bit because i think it’s really cool 🫶
-her relationship with joel mirrors that of me and my dad, the first time he called ellie “babygirl” i cried because that’s what my dad used to call me.
-her relationship with dina struck me too, the way she loved her so deeply. ellie goes all in when it comes to emotions ive noticed, much like i do. she would do anything to protect dina, including leaving her. the scene where dina tells ellie shes pregnant hit me so hard, because she cares so much about dina and yet she gets angry and hostile because she’s so upset.
-this is a bit of a jump- but the way she wanted her immunity to mean something. i have a lot of times in my life where i will go through hell to get something, and if it doesn’t end up working out i feel useless. i always have to be the bigger person and help others; much like how ellie wanted to make a cure, even if it would kill her
- her journaling- i’ve been doing it for years and it’s so important to me to have pieces of myself and my life physically on paper
-her love for pus-
-i look a lot like her which was cool to see, we have a lot of the same features and the exact same face shape and nose so i love cosplaying her :)
-her violent tendencies, i was put in sports at a very young age and it was my whole world- but oh my god i was intense about it- i got into so many fights as a kid too, usually to protect my friends and myself(im not like this anymore dw!!! bad childhood phase-)
-the way she interacts with jj reminds me of when my sister was born :(((
-her half up bun hairstyle is literally my signature!!!
-her nerdy ass is so funny to me- i’m also obsessed with comics, dinosaurs and space
-
thank you for coming to my ted talk.
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Ah. It is very hard to not have a person that is My Person. I've always had one, or- thought I did. Perception being everything, that void was filled.
My first one I lost when I was still very young, and I held onto her and waited for her for decades before allowing myself to realize she hadn't been there since elementary school. My loyalty and love so deep, waiting on a ghost.
Another dear Person I kept and kept and kept despite their toxicity and leech-like behavior. They were my Friend, but 18 years on I finally had to cut them loose when I admitted to myself that I was hanging on to someone who would never do anything aside from drain me.... financially, time-wise, emotionally. It was hard putting my foot down. But that one was my choice.
Then there was... my Person. The one I met in college, who asked me to fake-date her to get back at her friend's for not telling her that they knew her boyfriend was cheating on her. I fell for her, even knowing she wasn't queer, and even when our deep and intense friendship was suddenly put on the back burner when she got herself a new shiny boyfriend, it took me ten years... ten years, to realize she wasn't my Person.
A Person isn't a lover, let me be clear. They're the one that's there for you. A deep friendship, sometimes more, certainly, but not all of these People have been Loves.
So watching her get married was a joy, though I had wanted more, and letting that romantic emotion go away was a easy. You see, I still thought she was my Person. And just this month, after years of not getting reached out to, of me doing all the work to see her, just this month did it finally click in, a decade after thinking this was my Person, that she isn't. She never has been. I just thought she was.
I have a partner I'm married to. I have children. I have family that love me. I am blessed and grateful in many ways.
But I have no friend who is my Person. The one who sees me. The one who thinks about me as often as I them, who plans together and cares the same way.
I have a lot of ghosts of people I thought were more than they ever were.
And today, scrolling through my phone contacts and my social media I really had it hit home.
I don't have... anyone, anywhere close to the brief flickers of closeness I'd had with these ghosts. Online friends who I've never met in person come as close as possible, but no one I can touch. Or invite over. Visit, hug, plan things with, talk to in person.
I am surrounded by the ghosts of those who moved on, and the transparent holograms of friends I cannot reach.
It is.... lonely.
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davey-in-a-minivan · 3 days
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Second Star to the left Pasithea Au??? 👀👀👀👀
okay there are actually three permutations that @munchiezxx and i discussed (listed in increasing order of my fondness for them!)--
scoutminder jane, scout sophie:
personalitywise, this one feels most obvious--sophie's got that intrepid explorer air, and jane WOULD be over-particular and stressed if she had to try to watch over sophie in a situation where she has almost no actual influence!
remember that part in pasithea season 1 where jane admits she doesn't mind hearing sophie's stories about other planets bc they're probably the closest she'll come to seeing new worlds herself? scout sophie lovingly describing her planet for the sake of jane, who they both assume will never see it, is born from that same wistfulness
like bell, scoutminder jane ONE HUNDRED PERCENT has a "criminal due to decisions of conscience" past that she drops no hints of and sophie is too self-absorbed to prod until something happens
a very funny situation made possible by this set up is that moreau is jane's on-station nemesis that she complains to sophie about and sophie's like "um are you're sure they're not flirting?? *i* think they're wildly attracted to you and it's pissing them off. you should flirt back" and jane's like "you're insane" and sophie, who finds the saga wildly entertaining, is like "jane pleeeease, im stuck on this nowhere planet, i can't start drama myself, you have to do it on my behalf, i'll literally coach you" except then one day jane gets on the radio and says "um. something very lgbt just happened between me and moreau" and sophie's like 👁👁 wait a minute (<- suddenly super jealous and BLINDSIDED by the feeling bc she literally spent weeks egging jane into this)
sometimes sophie crosses a line and jane gives her the cold shoulder, refusing to talk about anything non mission related, and sophie resorts to narrating stupid choices she's "going" to make until jane can't take any more and is like "i know you know that putting your fork in the outlet won't fix it, stop that" and sophie (who was bluffing about the fork AND the broken outlet) is like well okay fine :) 2. scoutminder sophie, scout jane:
my backstory thought here is maybe instead of jane getting thrown in prison for the ssttl-verse equivalent of the rowley conspiracy, she was "invited" to become a planetary scout
sophie would probably have an ideological faith in the institution of the scouting office (which she works for as scoutminder) that gets broken down over the course of the story
jane would freely rearrange mission priorities and modify equipment to suit her and sophie's like "for the love of god there is protocol to follow." and does jane listen? no <3
jane asks sophie to slip hieronymus cheng novels into her data download packages and sometimes she reads them out loud and sophie insists she's only half-listening and doesn't care about the plot. which is true she doesn't care about the plot!! but she loves to hear jane's voice :')
sophie also asks jane to describe her planet sometimes but she's trying so hard to picture jane, not the planet... she's like "what's the light like? is your hair up or down?"
my favorite aspect of THIS scenario is i think sophie would just wildly overshare abt her life to fill in gaps in conversation so she tells jane waaaay too much abt her love life on the station at first "for jane's entertainment" because "it's not like she's got much else going on", and then one day jane's like huh sophie hasn't told me about any of her hookups in excruciating detail recently, thank god (this is because sophie is pining horribly)
3. scoutminder jane (again), scouts sophie and george:
this one is notably different from scenario (1) bc in that one, scout sophie fills a gwen hartley-ish role; in this one she's mikhail
from sophie's pov: she finds out her planet is inhabited by a sentient species (the others!!!) and realizes that in order to protect them & humanity from each other, she has to fake her death and stay here alone. (i don't remember the name of mikhail's alien lover but THAT'S OMIKRON)
from jane's pov: sophie gets weirder and weirder over calls until jane hears another voice in the background and goes cold bc it sounds just like evelyn. and then sophie's like "yeah i need you to tell everyone i'm dead and leave me here alone with no company except my ghosts and the undead replica of the guy we both loved!!! and you have to be the only one who knows what happened to me while everyone else mourns me!!!"
meanwhile jane and moreau are having their whole haters-to-soulmates arc over the radio (remember how moreau names the egoran corpse in their closet and insists jane treat her with respect?? they would sooo anthropomorphize their bot and then condescendingly explain to it why jane is wrong during arguments)
also moreau's a xenobiologist and i just think they deserve to have a field day investigating the weird vines on their planet and jane listens to a thirty minute monologue abt the vines' growth behaviors and is like "wait why is this so endearing"
jane gets in trouble for insubordination on the station bc of course she does and moreau finally gets josephine to track down information abt jane's background, finds out abt [rowley conspiracy equivalent] and is like "oh shit. that actually makes me like her even better. shit she can't go to PRISON abt this"
i do think coordinating a long distance jailbreak by calling in favors from random ppl who are fond of jane (anders? david alegros?) is something moreau is capable of AND likely to do
so jane escapes to moreau's planet, they finally meet in person, and then sophie turns up out of fucking NOWHERE to find jane bc while moreau's been having their ssttl 'express your newly recognized feelings for your erstwhile scoutminder by breaking them out of jail and bringing them to your planet' plotline, sophie was having her pasithea s3 'i need to convince the aliens to give me a ride home' plotline
now all three of them are on a planet together and it's GOING to cause problems!! but the fun kind!!!
ANYWAY THANKS FOR ASKING!!!
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front-facing-pokemon · 10 months
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#manectric#i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk#but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric#el woowoo‚ if you will#a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day#so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday#hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years#looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow#which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations#for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA#plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory#overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me#so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little#worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY#this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains#that's about it#any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar#places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it#also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking#about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours
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novelconcepts · 4 months
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i don't make resolutions, but if i did
it would be to finish this fic
(and to be kind to myself for however long it takes to actually do so)
#i'm finishing it if it kills me#i know i've been writing this makeout scene for 3 weeks but baby that can't last forever#if we want to get deep and dark and serious for a second i do think a lot of my struggles to write lately have to do with engagement#and how incredibly low engagement has been on the last few things i've written#which like. is what it is. i'm not entitled to anybody's time or comments or kudos.#but when you write stuff you're proud of and it feels like it's barely getting read it's hard to keep momentum.#this isn't intended as a woe is me or whatever it's just kind of like. there. hovering.#happens enough times you start to wonder if it's you. am i just writing for the wrong fandom/ship?#(too bad if so. they're in my bones i'm writing for them and no one can stop me.)#but yeah. if you ever wonder if authors do care or notice about hits. comments. kudos. buddy i am here to tell you#not only do we care and FLOURISH we also notice when those things drop off and readers vanish#and it is a giant bummer. and sometimes makes us wildly paranoid about why that might have happened.#so if you liked a fic today--not even one of mine. just. anybody's. share it. comment on it.#kudos at the VERY least (cuz frankly kudos is there to be an 'i got to the end and this was nice' feature.#so when you get 500 hits and only like 30 kudos? it feels like 470 of those people hated your work)#anyway. that got out of hand. lil' too raw lil' too honest. happens when you let yourself ramble at 11:30 instead of sleeping#to sum: let your local fic writer know if they've made you happy#and as we go into 2024 i am swearing to myself that this fic (and probably several others) are getting finished#come hell. high water. or dishearteningly low engagement numbers.#(and then maybe we...actually work on something original. cuz why not. new year same old me but i'll do my best.)
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months
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...
#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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ereborne · 1 month
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Song of the Day: March 26
"Songs About Rain" by Gary Allan
#song of the day#you might think that this is the opposite of 'Groovy Little Summer Song' but nope! closer to same because (drumroll)#they are one of the very best categories of thing: Country Songs About Country Songs#I love them. I adore them#'Songs About Rain' is one of the strongest and best examples of type I have (also 'Cheatin Songs' by Midland. impeccable)#'and it sure ain't easin my pain / all these songs like / Rainy Night in Georgia / Kentucky Rain#Here Comes That Rainy Day Feelin Again / Blues Eyes Cryin in the Early Mornin Rain#they go on and on and there's no two the same / oh it would be easy to blame / all these songs about rain'#what a gift. what a delight. legitimately hard to sing this song in a mournful voice because it makes me so damn happy#anyway as you might glean from how this is posting at 3 pm my time: my sleep schedule is /fucked/#I did have part of the bad conversation with my boss on Monday (immediately followed by garden times#which so overtook me that I spoke only about the garden and good spring feeling in my song post. what a blessing the garden is)#but mostly what happened is I said 'hey it is technically possible for me to make this but it will not help it will not do anything useful'#and my boss said 'but you can make it' and I said 'yes but we shouldn't. it will be a waste of time' and she said 'make it by Thursday'#and I said 'I absolutely cannot make it by Thursday. if I finish instead this better thing I've already been working on--'#and she said 'no we don't care about that thing. make part of the useless thing. by Thursday morning'#and I said 'if I bring you part of the useless thing and part of the good thing and I directly compare them in front of you--'#and she said 'we'll look at whatever you have Thursday morning but it's the useless thing we care about'#so the meeting is scheduled and I'm going to plead for the life of my better thing and probably the best I'll get is permission to do both#which is. I mean the useless thing is going to be a time-waster for sure but at least it won't be actively detrimental to anything?#it'll be fine I'll make it be fine. the inherent problems of when your boss doesn't actually know what you do for them I guess :/#(also maybe. maybe if it comes down to it. maybe I'll just make the good thing for myself and use it to make my own life better#and someday maybe they'll ask for a project that works and then I'll be able to dramatically unveil it but either way I'll benefit from it#hmm maybe yeah)
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vulpinesaint · 1 year
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throws a book at the wall i'm SO fucking tired of putting emotional effort into relationships only for it not to be reciprocated
#trying so fucking hard not to resent someone i really like rn.#they're going through a hard time and obvi i'm glad they feel comfortable coming to me for support.#but also... :( to have that be the only thing we really talk ab anymore...#miss them i guess. wanna talk like we used to.#nd to send support and an expression of how i rlly empathize bc i'm going through smth similar and get no response...#idk. sadbad. working on not letting those feelings fester#i just cannot be therapistfriend. i am Not therapist friend in most situations!!!#the problem is that i am a very good listener but not super approachable in that way to most people?#so i end up with one or two people with really big constant problems every year or so who put All of that onto me.#and i try SO fucking hard in my relationships with people i care about.#and that's SO much energy and emotional investment into their problems and it just isn't sustainable.#especially when i'm not getting it in return.#idk i probably just need to tell them what i'm feeling about. open and honest communication ftw#i'm sure they'll get it if i say 'i've had a lot of relationships in the past that devolved into me being the vessel for people's issues...#...and it's turned into me resenting them over time and i really don't want that to happen with us.'#'just need you to talk w/ me about other things sometimes' y'know?#i'm already drawing a lot of boundaries so that i don't throw myself into comforting and placating and facilitating someone's feelings#which DOES make me a good listener. but i can't be sacrificing myself for that. not rn anyway.#god but also i just want to have a fucking conversation sometimes is that too much to ask#i get that ur having a hard time emotionally but you could at least respond to the easy upbeat messages that i send you#specifically TO facilitate easy upbeat conversation that doesn't require emotional effort from you#or like. initiate conversation Ever when it's not around the negative situation u want to talk to me about. you know.#it's okay. i'll talk to them. just feeling frustrated.#i'm going to get bled fucking dry if i keep putting so much of myself into relationships without receiving anything in return#valentine notes
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metagalacticx · 1 year
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i’m actually tired of being pissed off at fandom stuff like i swear im not trying to be annoying on purpose but unfortunately i kinda spent most of my formative years on tumblr, in this fandom, and to see this kind of stuff still so prevalent is disheartening and it sucks i genuinely wish i didn’t care
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thedreadvampy · 2 years
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haha I triggered myself
#red said#RUTH. DO WORK.#no i think instead i will reflect indepth on one of my most traumatic experiences#god maybe i shouldn't pursue a diagnosis when even talking about getting knocked back by doctors#has me IMMEDIATELY like Hello I Am 19 In Hospital In The Worst Pain I've Ever Experienced#Being Actively Told I'm An Inconvenience For Going Through Labour Too Messily#idfk the thing is. I'm not stupid i recognise that medicine is good important and necessary#however on a much more personal level i also KNOW that Medicine Is An Implacable Beast That Does Not Care For You And Actively Despises You#like i can think of maybe 3 or 4 times in my life that medics have actually helped me. tonsillitis and injury.#and that one doctor who was like I See You're Poor Let Me Prescribe You The Groceries You Can Get From The Pharmacy So It's Free#oh and EVENTUALLY the NHS shrink. he was pretty good after i blew up at him in session 4. the following 12 sessions were super helpful.#but like. almost all my experiences with doctors have been getting knocked back#told I'm lying#or given scans and tests that come up with nothing and go nowhere#it's just Very Hard to push myself to willingly reengage with these services#btw. dentists aren't a big trauma site but can you believe I've only figured out for myself that my problem is fragile gums not gingivitis?#like you'd think they'd notice that in the 20 times they've responded to bleeding gums with a cleaning that makes my gums bleed more#even though there is no swelling or redness except where YOU JUST SCRATCHED IT
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transvoxman · 2 years
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#god fucking damn it. i am giving in and making a vent post made entirely in the tags#whatever terror laserblast wouldve gone through if he decided to be upfront with POINT and not fake his death. im going THROUGH it#sure would be nice if people could be happy for me going on T. instead of reacting like theyre at a goddamn funeral.#me n laserblast are both very much cowards who care more about what others think than about being who we are#but *I'm* subjecting myself to coming out to people before T forces me to be out whether i like it or not#and its so fucking scary. i literally feel anxiety nausea 24/7 and start literally Shaking when i think about it#i can barely function from being so scared of how theyll react.#im literally financially independent and will be 100% safe no matter how they react!!! im just THAT scared of what other people think of me#and obviously i dont have anyone irl who is supportive and happy for me otherwise i wouldnt be venting on goddamn tumblr#nothing more heartbreaking than needing to go through something that im overjoyed about without being able to celebrate it with ANYONE#its also infuriating. i couldve been on T *years* ago if i had supportive people in my life.#i dropped out of COLLEGE because of dysphoria. i couldve had a DEGREE by now#transphobia takes so many possibilities away from people.#well im not letting it take anything else away from me. im not letting ANY amount of fear stop me anymore. people can fucking deal with it.#im not putting up the facade of my gender assigned at birth anymore.#no matter what happens next.#im trying so hard to genuinely believe it when i say 'fuck it im gonna transition no matter what' but anger is so difficult to hold on to.#it takes so much energy. its easier to just feel heartbroken about people i care about cutting me out of their lives.#well. itll get easier eventually. its just gonna suck more than anything else thats ever happened in my life first.
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medicinemane · 10 hours
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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