#BUT WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO AFTER NEXT WEEK
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Wanting more homoeroticism in the tension between the show’s leads as the narrative introduces greater intimacy and higher stakes between them, especially in a landscape that lacks queer representation who isn’t a villain or dies within one or two episodes, but also recognizing that core values/motivation for these characters lie in their relationships with one of two major female characters in an on screen sausage fest where the only other woman is a morally reprehensible femme fatale and erasing and/or vilifying female leads in favor of conventionally attractive males is a common practice observed in fandoms that’s rooted in misogyny and justified under the guise of rejecting heteronormativity, thinly veiled double standards, or claiming the woman is simply not interesting enough and not wanting to bolster that mindset
#the worst of evil#you know who’s not interesting enough? haeryeon!! bibi’s acting the hell out of her and slaying while doing it#but idk anything besides she’s willing to subvert her dad for dick and values money over everything else#and also she’s hot which is great for me!! but also the male gaze#and I also get it - we don’t know much about euijeong in her limited screen time besides her relationships to junmo/kicheol#but she is given so many traits that are silently conveyed like compassion and bravery and sacrifice#she brought a fucking gun to her date with kicheol like the conflicts and motivations here are SO JUICY#her exasperation guilt and despair with the investigation; esp after listening to the voicemails#what’s the self respecting thing to do; do I still love my husband if he loses himself; can I continue a game I never wanted to play#at the cost of my life or my family’s life?#even though a lot of her choices are for her marriage she’s using whatever agency she has in her own terms#kicheol works to be an honest man and make a difference partly bc of her#not trying to place the burden of fixing men on her but ignoring her impact in the boys’ lives is wild#ship whoever you want hate whoever you want but don’t deride a woman just cuz ‘she’s in the way’ ya know#all this being said; kicheol bringing junmo home after he RAMPAGED seemingly on his behalf - literally who else is doing it like them#the yearning all around - I get it now; we need gangster mob!throuple to get any shit done around here (and for all 3 to stay alive 🫣🙏)#but the reality next week is gonna be so so bitter
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idk i think my bf might be developing a drinking problem and i just don’t know what to do…..
#it’s been going on for a couple of months now but he promised he would stop and he had been doing well until today….#and it’s like. on one hand i never wanted to be w an alcoholic and i told him straight so he promised it would stop#but on the other hand i can’t just abandon him#and it’s like we used to go out a lot and party but like. that was it but ever since he met this guy he just gets lost when he drinks w him#and the thing was he got like aggressive like he didn’t do anything to me and i can’t really explain it but he just wasn’t himself#and like. we talked about it a million times and it’s not like it happens every week#it’s been like 5 times since december#but 3 have been on the past month alone#and two weeks ago it got bad like he almost got into an accident#and like i’m not even physically w him anymore like we really only see each other once a week since i moved#and from the very first time it happened i told him i couldn’t be w him if it kept happening#and after that incident two weeks ago he swore it was the last time but it just happened again#by the way he and that guy get wasted it really is a miracle they get home alive#and like. idk what to do#i really don’t want to be w someone like this#and i hate feeling like this like if i were to think only about myself i don’t want this i hate feeling like this#but i also can’t abandon him#like not even bc i would miss him or whatever i just wouldn’t feel good leaving him alone#but like i don’t want to live like this#maybe i’ll ask for some time to just figure things out#but it’s gonna suck so bad bc we were supposed to see kendrick lamar next week and then we already had plans for his bday and omfg#i don’t wanna leave but i don’t want things to be like this either#and i asked him to stop and gave him multiple chances but idk#i just don’t know what to do#i love him endlessly but i need to put myself first but i can’t abandon him:(#and our 1.5 anniversary was also next week…..#but i think time is the sanest and safest thing right now
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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as usual i am up late into the night planning my future when i should be: getting a good nights sleep so that i even have a future!!
#i have work in seven and a half hours. so i should really be getting to bed#BUT i officially made my final definitive degree plan!!!! i mean not the actual classes but all the requirements i have to meet and how!!#(in order to earn: history and information science double major. with certificates in material culture and classics)#and i’m genuinely excited for every single class i have to take except for human-computer interaction#just cause i know it’s gonna get overly technical in ways that won’t quite apply to my future#anyway every single other thing i’m gonna do is very cool and exciting. so everything is good really#but i should be sleeping. and i’m not. as usual 🤧#idk wish me luck!!!! i’m so hyped about my degree plan though#i’ll go into more detail another time. i’m very excited#ANYWAY goodnight!!!! can’t be so busy planning my future in library science that i DONT GO TO MY SHELVING JOB#kind of important to actually go to work for the library that employs me….#and then i might go see a first-printing roget’s thesaurus!!!! or i’ll sleep. we’ll see#followed by lunch with GUY WHO IS THE WORST KILL HIM WITH HAMMERS#(there is nothing really wrong with me he just keeps kind of being mean to me and also expecting me to fall in love with him. but like#extremely passively and not manipulatively it’s just like. hey buddy you’re doing this friendship wrong….)#anyway then i have a class and after that i have an hour to rest. and then a phone call and then a lot of homework#(ten page paper draft due in a week and a half!! so it’s time to start writing the actual body of it)#and then i sleep for a LONG time and then work again on saturday. and then sleepover with somebody i have a crush on??#and then be normal all day on sunday and do a little more paper writing. and programming homework. and whatever else#and then keep up with the slog for three weeks!!!! and all of a sudden it’s summer!!!!#projects left this year: material culture paper (entirely unstarted. but may research the thesaurus and just win!!!!)#history project (draft due the monday after next and real paper due a week after classes end)#one more programming assignment where i adapt my recipe doubler project (probably. it’s getting stupid at this point but it’s what i got!!)#and a programming test in two weeks and then the final a week after that. then no more programming#and then i just have my weekly latin tests and a latin final on may 5th. and then EVERYTHING IS DONE#ok i got this. sorry for walking through my schedule in the tags it’s how i remember what’s real#can’t believe my fucking partner just kind of walked out on me there hello???? like. we should be powering through finals together#but i’m genuinely better off without him so i guess it’s just whatever. trash took itself out or something??#anyway. i’m so regular. and i have work in the morning. and i’m going to sleep#thank you world. goodnight
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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We are at the absolutely BRUTAL stage in the demon slayer season where the new episodes feel three seconds long and in that time nothing gets done and everyone gets soooo injured and killed 😭😭😭 sick and twisted reality of watching as its released…
#kny spoilers#demon slayer spoilers#vaguely#update: i am so fucking SCARED#im trying to like. keep track of whats gonna get covered this season and like ok#SPOILERS FOLLOWING#after episode 3 i looked at how much content got covered and basically we got through one volume.#and so like. hypothetically if they were to keep that pace#we could get to and THROUGH the hashira training arc#and tbh after this weeks ep im thinking thats… less likely#but it would be…. so fucking baller for them to end this season on#MASSIVE MASSIVE SPOILER WARNING#the masters estate getting blown to smithereens with him inside#like that would go fucking CRAZY#like i feel like we could do the hashira training arc and the explosion in one 45 minute episode#like if we have an 11 episode season like last time.#but i feel like these fights are probably gonna take longer than that#idk. is this making sense to anyone but me.#in the more likely case we DONT get through/start hashira training#my next favorite possible end point is#HUGE HUGE SPOILERS AGAIN IM SERIOUS DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR URSELF THIS IS THE BIG ONE#after nezuko conquers the sun we end on muzans like. creepy joyous smile about her doing the dang thing#i think that would be another really good horrific way to end it#sorry. ramblings of a mad woman.#talk to me about demon slayer my beloved demon slayer
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!
#i watched good omens over the weekend s1 is actual dogshit like some of the worst tv ive ever seen like i want to hit neil with a brick bad#s2 was better! much more fun!#also i woke up late today very bad morning and now im trying to plan a hir appointment#im thinking if getting ginger box braids...what do we think people who have never seen what i look like before#oh also im reading dr sex for the first time ive finally stopped putting it off then ill resd the other two#hmmm what else#i think im in a good mood today just kinda tired bc i went to bed late#im gonna try to watch some movies this week...likely go through cillian murohys filmog#breakfast on pluto might be a canon event for me#i also have to start classes next week for work...4.5 hour class AFTER the work day....if im ia its because im died :/ sorry
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Rec for Whump Wednesdays: The Tortured (2010). (not sure if you've already watched it)
It has some of the cold stifled dread vibes I absolutely dig in your and Peach's writing.
We have not watched it (I'm speaking for @peachy-panic but we probably have not watched it lol). We are STRUGGLING to find whumpy movies thank you for the rec!
#next week is a special whump wednesday from jolly old london#so we aren't quite sure what the plan is#but the one after that we need big recs :D#the tortured#i will say i heavily lean toward 'good' whumpees#but i'm gonna do some research on this one :D
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#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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#told my brothers gf (who’s coming with us to the harry concert next week)#that i’m trans and go by finn bc i didn’t know whether my brother ever told her#(my family refuses to call me finn and we haven’t talked about it in 4 years just to give u some#background )#and she responded in the SWEETEST way i love her#she knew but didn’t know what to do and didn’t wanna pry or#make me uncomfortable and said thank you for telling me . crying . asked after my pronouns again.#like i knew she was gonna be okay with it (one of their old classmates outed themselves as nb super young and they were wonderful)#and she follows janna on insta and always tell them#what books they recced she read etc etc and so i was fed WORRIED#but it’s nice to have a good outing (even though she technically knew sjsjsj)#v glad also my brother has her they’re the cutest#oki byeee#x
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#finished listening to misery this week think i'm gonna do the tommyknockers next 🤔#a few years back me & my fam watched the movie on youtube with auto generated subtitles#and it kept transcribing tommyknockers to tony hawk#so now we always say ''tony hawk tony hawk hawking at ur door'' lol#so far i've listened to carrie / the shining / misery#if anyone has suggestions for what stephen king book to listen to after tommyknockers lmk ❤
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trying to organise anything with my mates is so hard because they all have more of a life than me and its getting a bit embarrassing always being the only one like ‘i am free all the time’ when then they’re telling me all these amazing plans they’ve got that are getting in the way of us doing anything lmao
#also like im the only one left at home really#out the girls 1 is in plymouth one in bristol#then the others that were still here 2 of them are in london now#and the last one is pretty much always in stevenage with her bf#so im starting to feel really lonely here lmao#and theres only one boy left here who just never replies to anything lmao#like london obviously isnt far and one of them is in hackney with is easy to get to but she's never around#its not the same as when we used to just pop in to town for a meal after work in the week#i try to organise going to see my mate in Bristol so many times because she's my best best mate and shes just never free#and i always say im done with my uni mates but one of them actually bothered to wish me happy birthday this year#so i started trying to organise meeting up with her because she's in london#and she was like 'im busy until Christmas but im gonna have a belated birthday party'#then she ignored my happy birthday message to her#and has also read and ignored when i asked about said birthday party#like my next plans for seeing anyone that isnt my parents is the milan match with eleanor and alex 💀 ITS IN MARCH#like. what do i do lmao#stacey speaks
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It’s currently snowing where I live and it makes me think that there should have been more snow in s1, s2, and s4.
#I’ve mentioned this before but I live in Canada and we get our first snow in like early November sometimes#heck even in October we could get snow depends on if the conditions are right#Indiana is somewhat close to the Canadian border so I would assume they would get snow in early November too#also this makes me think about what Canadian ST would be like#I do know hoppers sweating buckets after Jonathan asks ‘it’s not gonna snow next week’ because it 100% will#stranger things
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We've reached the point in the season where I don't want to watch the Adventuring Party episodes until AFTER the ending, but good lord the physical restraint I will have to exhibit if any of the last few APs have even a whiff zoom energy...
#dimension 20#and yes I chose the word whiff on purpose coz you can smell a zoom energy adventuring party coming - as we all know they reek of axe peace#but for real sometimes towards the end of a dimension 20 season i wanna just stay in the media res and not be in the meta yknow#i wanna stay in the fantasy and not know what the players are wondering or thinking of doing next i wanna be surpised yknow#and then i can go back after the ending breaks and mends my heart all at once and watch the APs for comfort ^^#like im watching the bonus features that dont come out until the dvd is out u feel?#whelp wish me luck im gonna TRY block Adventuring Party as a tag but i have a feeling thats not gonna be full proof in the slightest#especially after that ending Emily on that wavelength and Brennan like wellllll funny you should mention those beads...#at first i thought they were the dice from the box of doom so i was like whaaaaaa we're really going there baba yaga knows dnd huh#neverafter#d20#dimension 20 neverafter#neverafter spoilers#tagging spoilers just in case#in case people read these very long tags lol sorry#d20 adventuring party#adventuring party#like yall i didnt even watch the episode trailer at the end i shut that shit down right away and then i forgot id done that and#saw a post about murph next week and im like nooooo dont tell meeeeeeee
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i have felt more emotions at more intense highs and lows in the last two weeks than i thought it was physically possible to feel . unsure that this is sustainable.
#moth sounds#got more bad news today. lol#& thinking im gonna have to give up/sell my tickets for an upcoming thursday show bc i cant handle travel rn on an emotional level#also im burying my grandpa next week and my dads stepmom was like hey the day after that can we bury your other grandpas ashes#(hes been dead 13 years) since you're all in town anyways?#anywyas . sorry to post like this here i dont usually but im just losing my mind adn i dont know what im goin g to do!!
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My day so far:
-The Vice President of the company comes over to my desk to talk to me about a tv show
-At the department meeting, the VP made sure everyone knew I’ve now been here a year and I had to sit there awkwardly while they complimented me
-I counted applications
-My coworker opened up a fax with the most bizarre information from someone trying to apply but they are so far out of being eligible I have no idea how they even got the idea to apply
-The new person who was supposed to start today had something come up and he couldn’t make it in so I decided his desk was once again fair game and I’ve been using it for all of my papers (I will move once he’s actually here)
-My manager and I found random bits of plastic and technology at the new guy’s desk and searched for where they could possibly go before giving up
-Spilled coffee all over my desk and hands like the absolute klutz I am
#rae irl#rae at work#who knows what after lunch will bring#i think we’re done counting so I really don’t know what I’m gonna do#probably clean my shelves for next week when we have visitors
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