#BC I hated myself a little less then
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#i should get back into spiritual practices#BC I hated myself a little less then#i would be kind to anyone else if they looked like me#and had all my quirks and flaws#the only ppl I'm not kind to are if you're actually awful#and I've got tons wrong with me but I'm not an awful person#I would love me if I was another person and I met them#so I don't really understand why I can't do it now#this is a tiring way to live#I do not know why I feel like I don't deserve my kindness?#or my patience#or how I tend to love ppl as unconditionally as humanly possible#I don't know what crime I'm punishing myself for#anyways it's all stupid I'm just trying to get by#fuck my hormones!! I was doing fine FIVE minutes back
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goooood afternoon skysword nation
#i just spent waaaay too much money on prints. heh. yeah 😏#little gift for myself bc i hate uni so much [< dangerous thinking path]#honestly just glad im getting cool skysword prints. FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#and an oot one. YAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAYAYAY#aaaand peace and love and joy forever#i also fulfilled my teenage dream of owning slime. it will be mine tomorrow and imm literally so excited abt it i cant think abt it too muc#uhmmm what else#OH i feel a bit less stressed abt uni but. still a lot to do u know how it is#sorry rambling so much but u know me. the yapping yapper#hope u guys are good!!! it is SO the afternoon but if i dont sleep soon i might explode#okay love u guys bye for now mwah#txt
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her
#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me#and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front#always always bowl me over#like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time#like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that#when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair#but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard#so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment?#and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's#even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with#bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc#i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum#BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart#like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me#it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE#and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry#and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls#that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good#and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her#that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension#and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone#but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her#i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me#but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her#girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH#hella goes home
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thinking again abt how my output of art from 2016? til this year was...abysmal
like i had my periods of time i drew a bunch of stuff, but then i'd go cold/dry again
and how when i said i was gonna post all my stuff here that one anon was basically like isnt that gonna be a LOT?? but no :sob emoji: it wasnt a lot at all...
#txt#like i said then tho i did leave out some periods of time like#art of some charas#and like my ovw fandom experience for another example#so there IS a bit more than ive posted that exists#but not much#2021/2022 was especially bad#reaaallyyy bad#i had months of time where i hated drawing HATEd it#thought id never wanna do it again#luckily that wasnt true tho#but i still feel like im so behind in growth compared to other ppl bc of how little i drew and even when i drew i didnt push myself bc it#was hard enough to just draw normal much less try to learn new things and get out of my comfort zones#i was never a super strong artist not in a like oh woe is me boohoo i suck way#just stating a fact#but i at least felt like i kept up with my peers#now i do NOT feel that way anymore lol
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This is absolutely not a diss on anyone who did like the Collector's ending there's merits to it and interpretations that make it more reasonable but sometimes idk it's such a let down when you're watching a show about found family, acceptance, healing from abuse, etc and you get attached to this character only to never see them get more than a gentle dismissal.
I have to wonder what kids who are more like the Collector than the other kids in the show or who have similar behaviors because of neglect feel about that ending. Maybe for some of them the idea of leaving everyone behind to be in their own space would be freeing and exciting but it does come with the implication that the Collector didn't deserve to have a real family.
That's what stings about it I think, I know that wasn't the intention but his resolution really kinda was like "ok now take this and go away" in the end he was too out of touch, too powerful, too weird, too messed up, and no one especially wanted him enough for the writers to justify him staying.
#the collector toh#collector toh#also this isn't like an auuugh the show is bad after all kinda thing#like I don't think this is hashtag traumatizing kids or anything#but I just have to wonder what I would have felt about it when I was still just like the collector and I was that kid who couldn't get#anyone to stick around and who was always too much for everybody#I always felt like it was the moral thing to do to withdraw myself and to exist less to be easier on other people#I wonder if the collector doing that would have reinforced the idea#or maybe it really would be freeing it's not like they hated him or wanted him to leave#but idk it just makes me so sad I want to scoop the Collector up and tell him to stay instead of pushing everyone away to be on his own#This kid deserves so much more love than they got and it hurts a little bit#it's one of the few things from the epilogue that I will always hardcore retcon out bc like#dear god the thought makes me miserable personally#the last thing he needs is to be alone and have more time to think
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i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop#vent#suicide //#negative //#ask to tag#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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i get so fucking mad at that "do it scared!!" advice i keep seeing people share around like it's inspirational. like fuck youre right i guess i wont have anxiety anymore because i decided to just ignore it!!
i dont want to be one of those people who gets mad at mental health advice. like, its good to go on a little walk and clean a little and wash yourself. that WILL make you feel better. but "if youre scared simply behave as if you arent" isn't good advice when i would LOVE to do things even though im scared, but i genuinely cant make my body do it. i WISH i could do it scared!!!!! if i could just decide to not let fear stop me, i would have done that already!!!!
#anime life#the only thing that has helped a little bit is adderall#it doesnt make me any less anxious but it makes it easier for me to do things anyway#when i was without adderall for 2 months i cried most days at work from my anxiety#bc i couldn't make myself do things but i NEEDED to do them because it was my job to do them#idk. every time i see the post im referring to it makes me want to cry.#i hate living like this!!!!! you think i do it because i just didn't think of what if i did something else??????
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🤕!
#how to accept the fact that you are liked but not by the people who you wish would like you#and the people that do like you are great but they’re not filling the space that you want them to fill#and that maybe you should just settle for and in fact embrace the people who like you and stop being scared of them#and that maybe you should also let go of the people you wish liked you#god. i just don’t know what to do with myself#bc i keep telling myself im so unloved and friendless and that nobody cares about anything i have to say#but that’s actually not as true as i think it is#and maybe if i were to reach out to people who are already in my life without fear i would feel a little less pathetic and generally hated#rather than trying and failing to reach out to people who don’t give a fuck about me anymore#but its so overwhelmingly difficult and scary#i just want my old friends back. but they put zero effort in towards me#so i should just stop hurting myself by trying to push it#idk. i should be writing my paper rn LOL!#diary
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Realizing I just want enough money to be able to pretend I'm rich for a few days and that's really it
#when i went to that con and only checked my bank account towards the very end bc i was stable enough#to just mindlessly spend for a bit.. oh yeah baybee that's what it's all about i heart consumerism#i am in fact using the stuff i get though! yeah i have like 30 candles but i take the time to actually use them#it's also like. being able to give myself experiences that i never could have had growing up bc we were poor and hated life itself#something as simple as going to the beach and getting myself ice cream..#listen man i live in a touristy area and we have lots of little shopping centers and they captivate me#also. the support i could give to artists i see on here.. anyways on track to pay off one of my credit cards by the end of march#it'll leave a huge one for me to chip away at but it'll be the only thing I'll have to be worried about + one less major bill#I'm feeling good. i slept a lot last night and am gonna make myself a lot of food to have before i go to work#it's okay now actually#shai speaks
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I have roughly 9 assignments due in the next 4 weeks, why am I not losing my mind?
#a few are small but most of them are big#i think it helps that i can be creative for a few of these. so a little less pressure? maybe?? actually maybe not lol#gotta list em all here for myself hang on:#imagining food sovereignty + imagining food justice + a 2-in-1 critical reflections assignment#+ a pass-or-fail tiny thing + a research proposal + a photo essay + a group project/presentation#+ a fall term essay + a journal + weekly readings and discussion forum posts.#but before i write the journal i have to finish reading the novel.#BRUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA#it's okie.#oh but i also have work in-between all of this and some more research to do for a lot of these assignments#i hate november babeeeyyyyyyyyy may i never experience another november like this in my LIFE bc i'm graduating next october
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snowfall.
#ive seen a few people doing this 100 day challenge on twt and bc i hate myself i wanted to at least try too LMAO#pray for me besties#i just wanna be more efficient#and draw more gb characters#ofc these arent gonna be as polished as my full pieces since im spending a lot less time on them#but hopefully i can learn a lot if i keep going#im just gonna try to not burn out so im gonna have a more casual attitude about this hopefully?#it might be a little dicey when im away for class bc then i dont have access to clip </3 only procreate </3 </3 </3#i cant for the life of me get used to procreate#anyways i love eustace#ive been having many thoughts and feelings about him lately#trying super hard to not draw 87438 belials for this challenge actually#i have a bunch of ideas for belial but i wanna take my time to polish them#granblue#granblue fantasy#eustace granblue#gbf#teedraws#tee 100 day challenge 2022
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( edit : okay so tldr i don't really like genshin except the characters ... not much anymore tho, tbh, but it's also complicated <//3 that's all !! i wanted to make this statement bcs a lot of my mutuals ik are in genshinblr lol )
also btw since most of my mutuals are of genshinblr!! and i don’t think everyone has seen my posts just a few days :O ^^ so a proper announcement? ><
so ya i don’t play genshin actively, don’t actually really like the game aside from characters/lore, and i am not fond of the community (not necessarily the people in it tho! i love mutuals/friends/nice ppl :>), n other reasons but ^^;;
i don’t plan on fully quitting it bcs i still like the characters i think ?? but i’d rather. not be associated (or whatever the word for it was) as a Genshin Impact fan. and as someone super in Genshinblr or in the fandom bcs ;; it rlly isn’t a huge passion of mine and not even one of my favorite medias/games >_< so yeah!! just a small announcement of my actual feelings :> i just don’t want to force myself anymore to sort of put up this kind of “facade” that i’m 100% one of y’all ... if that makes sense
ik a lot of you are really Yeah w genshin so like. if you’d rather not interact w me anymore bcs of this ^^ then feel free to do so! or if you’re still okay w interacting, tysm ily /p T___T <3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა !!! ໒꒱ *·˚#okay for the last time and then i'll leave this subject go!! just thought i shld make a proper post bcs yeah i don't think i need to explain#?? >< but yeah ^^ i'm not fully quitting genshin or anything but like. it'll be me w a3. i want to stop really playing unless i wna again#sometime :> and it's not my favorite anymore and uhh yeah! i feel like i kinda tried to blend in a little but actually. yeah. all this so ><#just gna follow my heart more hehe and all (tysm again to y'all it genuinely rlly did help <3)#tbh if you'd rather not interact w me more bcs i don't really Love genshin. not that i hate it. but i don't love it#then go ahead honestly i really don't mind!! i myself wld rather not interact with y'all honestly DHBSGHBDJGHB#also this isn't a temporary thing bcs i've been playing since release and like. at first it was rlly yeah but it just. isn't smth i like fr#okay so. ima start going into more the xiv fandom which is really difficult for someone like me but i'll stay hopeful!!#and enstars most likely!! probably my favorite mobile game (from those not associated w console/paid game) <3 also enstarsblr is p neat#other stuff too like fe and gbf mwah ofc hehe#uhhhh so yeah that's it!! i'm not fully quitting but i'll definitely be less in it >< i think overall it's better for others and esp me ^^
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i hope i am a blog where u see my original content and u are like "look at that silly goose go"
#im afflicted with#i love talking about myself syndrome#its USUALLY offset at least in person w bouts of intense listening but alas this is not a listening platform#its just me#babbling into the void#hehehe#i ALSO feel less guilty about babbling into the void bc i do worry that i get annoying sharing just random stuff directly to ppl#like i know i am cared for by my friends and that they wont hate me if im a little annoying#but i dooooo wanna let them have a break every now and again#does this make sense?#whose to say#conspiracy lvl: text
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i bought citizen sleeper and as i expected i ruined my sleep schedule and i fully intend to continue my game as soon as i do my morning chores. god is so cruel. why do cool games with heartwrenching stories exist. youre ruining my life
#my name is epsilon and i am a silly guy who feels a disconnect from most ppl and finds it difficult to understand community#given drago basically taught him that. its all for ones self. gotta look out for urself#and then only to realize that you DO care abt people and you DO care about things besides the money#fear of community in a world that fucking hates u vs really nice and accepting people FIGHT#but btw i feel like you also have the right to care abt money in such a way bc right now? if you dont? youre as good as dead#youll feel yourself dying and youll be able to do less abt it and the horror of that far outweighs the idea of taking it easy#even if your frame was created to take hits. what about your fear. what abt your agony. it doesnt go awat#anyway i made a little guy out of nowhere i love epsilon sorry#also. to myself. do i feel bad abt taking blood money. yeah#do i need said blood money to stay afloat while i help feng and possibly the yatagan maybe. most likely
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