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sequinsmile-x · 2 days

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Bezel

He couldn't fix or change her past, but he could give her this.

-x-

Hi friends,

As we all know, I have a very famous lack of control. The lovely @eyesontheskyline posted a gif set and made a comment about Emily's giant watch in 2x20, my mind went haywire and once again here we are.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this - please let me know what you think <3

-x-

Words: 3.5k

Warnings: Mentions/references to loss of a parent

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Emily sighs contently as she takes a sip of her beer, the coolness of it removing any last bits of tension in her shoulders that the case they’d resolved had created.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?”

She turns her head to look at Aaron and smiles as their eyes meet, his eyes soft in a way they rarely were outside of either of their homes or the hotel rooms they shared. There was something strangely empowering about him looking at her like that in front of their friends and it warms her from the inside out. She nods and reaches for his hand that is slung over her shoulders, linking their fingers together as she leans in to kiss him, the taste of the scotch he was drinking passing from his lips to hers. She smiles into the kiss when she hears the others groan, making a point of deepening it for a moment before she pulls away, squeezing his hand tightly as she leans in further to his side.

“Okay, we get it, you guys are adorable,” Dave says dryly, a fond glint in his eyes as they both turn to look at him, “I think I preferred it when you two were pretending not to like each other.”

“I didn’t,” Penelope says, her glee at seeing them together obvious, her entire body practically vibrating with it. Her gaze drifts to Emily’s bare wrist and her smile drops, the corners of her lips turning downwards into a slight pout, “Sorry about your watch, Peaches.”

Emily looks at her wrist, her bare skin peeking out from underneath the sleeve of her shirt. Her watch had been damaged during the takedown of the unsub, the glass face of it smashed against the wall as he tried to evade arrest and shoved her out of his way. She’d cried out when it happened, more in shock at being pushed than anything else, her worst injury a slight graze of her palm against the brick wall, but it had been enough for Aaron to overreact. Her usually reserved and stoic boyfriend had briefly forgotten where they were and gone out of his way to make sure she was okay, barrelling into the room she was in as if he’d heard a gunshot, accidentally revealing their relationship to the team as he checked her over for injuries that didn’t exist.

It was why she’d allowed herself to get dragged into going for drinks with the team when all she wanted to really do was snuggle up with Aaron in his bed or hers. The news had travelled fast and Penelope had called her before the unsub was even in the back of a cop car, demanding they all went out when they landed back in DC because she wanted to see them. Aaron had been hesitant, his embarrassment at overreacting clear, but Emily had talked him into it. Her smile and a promise of later enough to convince him a few drinks with their friends was a good thing.

They’d told them what they wanted to hear, answering their friend's questions in a way that still allowed them to keep their privacy. Emily felt a certain sense of pride blooming in her chest when they told them they’d been together 8 weeks without anyone noticing, although Dave claimed to have known the entire time. Even though Emily knew they would both miss their relationship just being for them, she liked sharing it with the people she cared about. It made it feel impossibly more real - the three words she hadn’t said outloud yet, the three he hadn’t said either, on the tip of her tongue.

“Oh, that’s okay,” she says, smiling as her gaze drifts to where her hand is linked with Aaron’s for a second before she looks back up at her friends, “It wasn’t expensive. I have plenty of others”

“Are you talking you expensive, or regular person expensive, Princess?” Derek asks, hiding a grin behind his beer, “Because those are two different things.”

She laughs humourlessly as she makes a point of rolling her eyes. She makes eye contact with Penelope again and sighs when she sees that she still seems worried, a crease between her brows that lets Emily know her friend is still thinking about the smashed watch in her go-bag.

“I mean it, Pen,” she assures her, “It’s just a watch, it’s not like held any great sentimental value.”

There’s something about the way she says it that makes Aaron pause, his brows furrowing for just a second as he looks down at her, a smile still fixed on her face as she carries on talking to Penelope. Emily had always been very purposeful with everything she’d ever said. She’d been taught at an early age that words mattered, that everything had weight to it. She was never calculated, but she never said anything she didn’t mean, so it makes him curious and leaves him wondering if she meant that she did have a watch that held sentimental value. He files it away for later, sure that whatever it was it was something she wouldn’t want to share with the team.

When they get back to his apartment, it’s late. They shower together, their laughter and muffled groans lost under the roar of the water, neither one of them wanting to wake Jack up by mistake. By the time they climb into bed, Emily is tired, her body relaxed and sated as she crawls half on top of him, her eyes already closed as she relaxes into his embrace. He hauls her closer and smiles as she giggles, a sound she’d deny if he ever brought it up, her hand fisted in his t-shirt as she anchors herself to him.

“Can I ask you something?” He asks, his lips against her forehead as he trails his hand up and down her back. She hums as she settles further into his embrace, her arm over his waist and her leg over his hips.

“Always,” she murmurs, turning her head just enough to kiss his chest, “But make it quick, the combination of the beer and your magic touch is sending me to sleep.”

Aaron chuckles and kisses her forehead, taking a moment to breathe her in before he asks the question he’d been thinking of since they were in the bar, “Earlier, you said the watch you broke today wasn’t sentimental. Does that mean you have one that is?”

A part of her wonders if she should be annoyed that he noticed, that he was so good at his job it bled into their personal lives, but she can’t bring herself to be. Instead, she realises she wants to tell him, that she wants to reveal another part of herself to him simply because he’d asked.

“Do you remember that big watch I had?” She asks, her gaze locked on the wall of his bedroom, “It had a leather strap, the face of it was wider than my wrist.”

He nods before realising she isn’t looking at him, “I remember.”

“It was my dad’s watch. When he died…” she clears her throat and presses her lips together, giving herself a moment before she carries on, “My mom gave it to me. I kept it and one day I couldn’t find my watch so I wore it to work,” she lifts her head to look up at him, her hands on his chest as she rests her chin on them, “It was huge on me. Big and impractical and so obviously not made for me,” she chuckles, “But it made me feel weirdly close to him. Which probably sounds insane.”

“It doesn’t,” he says, tucking some of her hair behind her ear, smiling encouragingly at her as she leans into the touch, “It doesn’t sound insane at all,” he assures her and her response is to turn her head to kiss his palm, “What happened to it?”

He’d picked up on how she was talking about it in the past tense, had seen the wistful look in her eyes as she thought about the watch. She smiles sadly and slips one of her hands into his, pressing their palms together to test the size difference.

There was something comforting about how big he was in comparison to her, something about it that made her feel safe. She didn’t need him to protect her, didn’t need him to hold her together, but she wanted him to. She wanted to share things with him that she’d never shared with anyone because she knew nothing would scare him off. He’d seen the very worst of her and he was still here, he still wanted to know more.

“It was sold with everything else when I died,” she says carefully, making sure to link their fingers together as she says it, hoping the way she squeezes his hand lets him know she doesn’t blame him, his guilt for making that decision for her still lingering every time it was mentioned, “I was surprised Mother didn’t take it - she was the one who got it for him. But…she had all my things sold,” she smiles sadly, a shaky breath slipping past her lips as she thinks about it. About how her mother had all but wiped any memory of her from the face of the earth. She knew it was likely a defence mechanism, a way of dealing with the fact her only child was dead, but Emily liked to think if it had been her she’d have made a different decision.

Aaron drags her in for a quick kiss, his hand on her cheek as he encourages her closer to him, unable to bear to not kiss her any longer, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. You deserved better than that.”

She smiles and kisses him, letting her lips linger against his for a moment longer than necessary as she tries to convince herself that he’s right, drawing the comfort from him that only he had ever truly been able to provide.

“I never understood their relationship. They loved each other, just not in the way I ever wanted to love someone,” she says, looking down at his chest again, at the random patterns she was drawing on his shirt as she willfully ignores the fact they hadn’t told each other how they felt yet. The words unspoken but felt in everything they did for each other, a gentle kind of love they both thought was beyond them, “Mom got Dad the watch for his 40th birthday. It had this engraving on the back of it - See You in Paris,” she smiles sadly as she sighs, “It was their favourite place. It’s where I always remember them being at their happiest.”

“Paris?”

She laughs, an edge of bitterness to it as she nods, “Yeah, Paris,” she says, her eyebrow raised as she looks at him, “The universe has a sense of humour apparently.”

There’s so much he wants to say, an apology he knows she won’t accept trapped in his chest as he stares at her, but in the end he settles on kissing her, pulling back just enough to speak as he rests his forehead against hers.

“Thank you for telling me.”

She smiles, familiar love for him burning in her chest, desperately trying to escape as she presses her lips together to hold it in place, still worried it was too soon to say anything.

“Thank you for asking,” she replies quietly, kissing him once more before she rests her head on his chest, sighing contentedly as he wraps his arms around her. He immediately re-starts running his hand up and down her back, the warmth of him drawing her in, making her feel heavy and light in equal measure, “Goodnight, honey.”

He hides a smile in her hairline as she yawns and he kisses her forehead, “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

He lays there as she falls asleep against him, an idea forming in his mind before he joins her, his grip on her never loosening.

___

Aaron pauses outside Penelope’s office, his hand frozen in place as he hesitates to knock, wondering if he is making the right decision. Before he can talk himself out of it the door swings open and Penelope shrieks, her eyes wide as she places her hand on her chest.

“Sir, sorry,” she says, clearing her throat before she steps back to let him into her office, “I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

“That’s okay,” he says as he closes the door behind him, “I wanted to ask you something-”

“If this is about the checks I did on Henry’s school, I was only checking if-”

“No, it’s not about…” he frowns as he trails off, raising his eyebrow at her, “Should it be about that?”

She shakes her head, “No definitely not,” she says, taking a seat at her desk, “How can I help?”

He sighs, scratching the back of his head, hesitancy he doesn’t like washing over him, “If I ask you to look for something for me, can it just be between us?”

Penelope’s eyes go wide, the idea of being in on a secret exciting her, “Of course,” she says, before she gasps, her eyes somehow even wider, “Is this Emily related?”

He hides a groan as he shoves his hands into his pockets, “Yes.”

Penelope covers her mouth, physically holding her excitement in as she shifts closer to him on her chair, “Oh my god, are you going to propose?” She asks, and he glares at her, his stern gaze forcing her to calm down, “Okay, no proposal…yet,” she says, “How can I help?”

“When Emily…” he clears his throat, “When she died all of the things in her estate were sold on in an auction. Do you think you could track one of those things down for me?”

He sees the flash of pain across her face, how she struggles to push it away before she nods, “Just tell me what you need bossman, and I’ll find it.”

He smiles gratefully at her and pulls a slip of paper out of his pocket, all of the details about the watch written down on it, “And remember-”

“Not a word of this to Peaches or anyone else,” she says as she takes the piece of paper from him, a sense of determination overtaking her as she turns back to her computer, and he knows this is one secret Penelope Garcia will keep.

___

“Are you sure I can’t help with anything?” Emily asks, smiling as Aaron meets her eyes from where he’s standing. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, giving her a delicious hint of his forearms, the muscles shifting under his skin from where he’s washing dishes.

“I’m all done, sweetheart,” he says, reaching for a dish towel and drying off his hands, “Do you need more wine?”

She shakes her head and grumbles, “What I need is my boyfriend to come over here and make out with me.”

He chuckles and nods, pulling one of the drawers in his kitchen open, blowing out a quick breath before he lifts the large jewellery box out from where he’d hidden it under a towel. The search for the watch had been a little tricker than he’d hoped. In the last couple of weeks, he’d almost given up hope, and at times he’d only been bolstered by Penelope’s seemingly unending optimism that she’d find it. When she did she’d called him, her excitement so loud Emily had heard her from his phone while standing on the other side of the room. He’d brushed off her curiosity and was grateful when she didn’t ask any further questions. The nerves he’d felt when he first thought of doing this for her return in full throttle as he walks over to the couch, a piece of her history gripped firmly in his hand.

“Before we get to that,” he says, sitting next to her, holding the box out so she can see it, “I got you something.”

She hums curiously and sits up straight, placing her glass of wine down before she takes the box from him, “I haven’t forgotten our 10-week anniversary or something have I?”

He chuckles and shakes his head, his hand heavy and warm on her thigh, “Is that a thing?”

She shrugs, “If it is, I owe you a blow…” she drifts off, her joke dying in her throat as she opens the box, her mouth hanging open as he looks at the watch. She chokes on a laugh as she looks between him and the watch, words escaping her for a moment as she shakes her head, the conversation they’d had a couple of weeks ago coming back to her, “They don’t even make this model anymore.”

Aaron squeezes her thigh as he watches her run her finger over the bezel, her touch delicate as if she’d damage the steel, “It’s not a duplicate sweetheart,” he says gently, his smile soft as she looks up at him, her eyes shining, “It’s your dad’s.”

She frowns as she pulls the watch out of the box and turns it over, her breath catching in her chest as she looks at the engraving on the back, as if she hadn’t quite believed him until she saw it.

See You In Paris

She presses her thumb into it, and feels the dips and curves of the metal, a habit she’d picked up when her mother first gave it to her. One of the few ways she felt close to her father after she lost him. She looks up at Aaron, her vision blurry as tears push at the back of her eyes.

“Aaron…” she breathes out, his name caught on a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh, “How did you find this?”

He shrugs as if it’s nothing, as if he hasn’t just given her back a piece of herself she thought was lost, “I asked Garcia to help,” he says, smiling when her eyes get wider, “She found the guy who bought it and I bought it back from him.”

She holds the watch tightly as if it would disappear and presses it against her chest. She closes her eyes and blows out a shaky breath. She places her other hand over her mouth, her fingers pressed against her lips as she tries to gather herself, her nerves shot at the unexpected kindness and love he’d shown her.

He watches her carefully, his eyes fixed on her face as she sits perfectly still, the watch grasped against her chest and her eyes screwed shut. Anxiety bubbles in his gut and he squeezes her leg, “Sweetheart, if this was a bad idea-”

“I love you,” she says, her eyes flying open as she cuts over him. Tears splash down onto her cheeks as she laughs and shakes her head. She looks at the watch and then back at him, her spare hand cupping his cheek as she drags him into a kiss, “This is…this is the best thing anyone has ever done for me. And I love you so much.”

He smiles and hugs her close, her hand with the watch still clasped in it pressed in between them. He kisses her temple and then her cheek before he tilts her head up to kiss him.

“I love you too,” he replies, kissing her again, “I love you.”

She laughs, the sound wet as it sticks in her throat, and he wipes some tears from her cheeks, “Thank you,” she says, the words not feeling anywhere close to enough as she rests her forehead against his, “This is…” she blows out a shaky breath, “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” he says, pressing a kiss to her forehead, “I can’t give you the 7 months you lost back,” he says, tucking some of her hair behind her ear, “And I can’t undo anything you’ve been through,” he wraps his hand around the one holding the watch, “But I can do this.”

She shakes her head at him and rests her cheek on his shoulder, “I love you,” she says again, the words she’d been afraid of saying for weeks suddenly the only thing she could say, slipping past her lips with ease now she’d said them.

“I love you too,” he repeats, running his hand up and down her back. She sinks into his embrace, her eyes closed as she breathes him in.

“I can’t believe Pen didn’t let it slip,” she says as she pulls back, wiping her cheeks, “She’s terrible with secrets.”

He laughs loudly, the sound reverberating around them and he nods, “Well, I think I won’t be so lucky if I get her to help me propose when the time comes.”

She presses her lips together to stop her smile from getting any wider, the thought of marrying him, even this early on in their relationship, not scaring her as she knows it would with anyone else, “I think she might surprise you.”

When they get married 18 months later, Aaron wears her father’s watch, the weight of it against his wrist feeling like a promise as he watches Emily walk towards him.

-x-

I think I might have to add 'watch' to the list of inanimate objects I've made emotional thanks to these two...

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wazzappp · 1 day

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ALRIGHT WE BALL. Time to get on with the story (i have a story planned thats. a real shocker. im ass at writing but ill get this drawn damnit I promise)

This argument is one that just needed to happen. Robbie cant think of the infected he's been killing as people because that would mean he has killed a truly UNCOUNTABLE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE. Lisa has done what she has to in order to survive, and that includes killing the un-infected (which, of course, to Robbie is totally unacceptable). So when he's trying to explain the difference it just comes across JUDGY AS HELL. They're both proud and defensive and bad communicators and the conversation goes BADLY.

This happens while they're on their way to the Beneviento house. Lisa basically goes 'Alright if youre so high and mighty go ahead and beat this one yourself then!' and fucks off back to Duke with the intention to kill as many Lycans in the way as physically possible. Robbie goes ahead to the SPOOKY NIGHTMARE HOUSE trust me I have plans for what he sees in there and its appropriately disturbing but it also spoils the ending I have planned for this whole thing so :) hang in there.

BUT he ends up having a BAD TIME when he's trying to head back and what @rokhal suggested slotted in SO VERY NICE HERE (i feel i have sufficiently LOST MY MIND over the fic you posted i am JKSL:FJSDFDS F UCk)

'Picturing Robbie alone in the Village foraging for gunpowder and cash (because it's a Video Game and they can't just hang out in Donna Benaviento's house throwing the creepy dolls in the river while waiting for rescue after reconnecting the phone lines, no, they have to wander around the entire map) and he's saving the herbs for Gabe and using all the chem fluid for sniper rifle ammo or whatever. And he's fighting off werewolves and it's fine because apparently his health regenerates like mana because he's made of mold.

But as he's wandering around it starts to get harder and harder to remember how much cash and scrap he needs. And he keeps missing shots. And then he gets a little turned around but now he's lost and there's more fkn werewolves, and he's seriously low on ammo and he just wants to get back to Gabe, but he needs to regroup and his hands are numb so he tries to warm them at one of the villager's stoves.

And then he discovers that he's slowly turning into a mindless mold creature, and realizes that the only way to keep Gabe safe from him is to get really really really lost, so lost he'll never find his way back before something kills and eats him.

This does not work, but it does ensure that he is incoherent and barely recognizable by the time Gabe and Lisa track him down.'

Which is all MWAH. CHEFS KISS.

Anyway Robbie is gone for a WHILE and Lisa realizes that the puzzles she needs to solve to move the fuck on require 2 people so she's stuck killing any lycans that stray too close to Dukes camp and hanging out with Gabe. UNTIL, of course, Gabe decides yeah no fuck this fuck that Robbie has been away for WAY to long and I'm going after him. Only problem is that Gabe's abilities are kinda rooted too wherever his sclerotia pods (is adding pods to that redundant? whatever we ball) have had enough time to take root and grow. Meaning, despite her anger towards Robbie at the moment, if Lisa doesen't want Gabe caught, dragged to Mother Miranda and dismembered, she's gotta go with him (also featuring @moosemonstrous hilarious idea of her being proud of Gabe's attempted intimidation).

When they DO track him down he's barely awake. He keeps wandering in one direction then looks like he wants to turn around and go another but he keeps FORCING HIMSELF to go the other way (generally I think he would be a decent bit stronger, but fighting his instincts this hard make him seem more aimless. Robbie is borderline unstoppable when trying to get to his brother, but right now he's NOT trying to get to his brother. you feel me?). Lisa goes up first to make sure he's not going to lose his shit or something. He basically falls onto her with the single saddest "m'sorry" ever heard on planet Earth. If it's for FALLING on her or if its for the CONVERSATION earlier, Lisa isn't quite sure. But it's been years since anyone has apologized to her for anything and thats enough for her to decide she should at least sling him over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes back to Dukes camp.

They make it back to the Dukes camp and give Robbie a couple of med kits (GOOP JUICE!!!!!) and he's a little more coherent. He's still trying to stay away from Gabe even though everything in him is saying 'STAY CLOSE' but he's got SOME brain space available because at least he's in line of sight now. Scrambled brain time is not the BEST for trying at an apology but hey, Robbie isn't really known for his great ideas and he tries anyway.

(ft me being unwell about shoving them together)

They're on better terms after this. The communication is still weird but hey its them so everything is weird. Plus they get some extra bonding time because I also snatched rokhals OTHER suggestion of

'....Been thinking maybe The Duke has a recipe that would heal Robbie...requiring meat from a golden dancing fish and the breast of the blue bird that haunts the graveyard and the tenderloin of the magnificent boar that sires all the swine in the Village...or something. So Gabe and Lisa have to go hunting while keeping Robbie calm...'

Ah yes. the high end flesh of the Great Village Fuck Boar. Delightful.

Cause I mean he's BETTER but still not GREAT. I think now that he's with Gabe he would be unable to leave him again while like this. Gabe would HAVE to go with them (we can get >:] 'Robbie goes into an overprotective frenzy and sword hands himself to hack some poor lycan that got too close in half' its a good time [its not. sword hand is very disturbing to him])

So anyway what Im TRYING to say is that the brainworms will continue

#I also :) found a way to fit :) side-of-face-splitting-into-horror to fit into the actual story :) aha. ahahaha.#ghost rider re7 au #my art #sketch #this took. a while lol.#what he sees in the Beneviento house is gonna be so fun to show you guys I promise its a terrible good time #we just need to get to the end of the story first to get there i dont wanna spoil design stuff >:]#RE!lisa #robbie reyes #gabe reyes

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mochees · 2 days

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— two tortured souls

dazai osamu x chuuya nakahara | wc: 3k | crossposted to ao3

TAGS: drabble, angst, depression, post-corruption ability use, soft/comfort, generally low mental health mentions, chuuya has a BATH, use of petnames for teasing.

A/N: hihi!!! long time no write!!! remember when i dropped the most depraved, disgusting, self indulgent eremin fic ever and then dropped off the face of the earth with empty promises? me neither, moving on! anyway. been wanting to get back into writing lately but yknow..... the undergrad life........ but i find myself with too much time now that the semester is over so have a drabble thing i wrote a year ago and then just never posted lmfao. it was supposed to be longer but i just couldn't get the ending right so i left it kind of open i guess? anyway skk is real to me

Willingly sacrificing your autonomy is so much more than physically exhausting. Corruption leaves Chuuya feeling truly empty and insignificant. It makes him feel as though he really is just a vessel for something else. An empty, fleshy shell that doesn’t even belong to him. Unlike the physical exhaustion, however, the feeling lingers. It hangs around like a morning fog, obscuring everything as far as he can see. It’s disorienting and restrictive. Most of all, it’s loud. The voices that dwell in the fog are so loud, much louder than anything Chuuya has ever heard, and they echo. They echo, bouncing off of each other and amplifying every emotion, every word, every moment of despair.

Chuuya can’t remember how many days have passed since he used corruption. At least two, maybe even three. The fog is so thick that days eventually just blur together, and time turns into molasses. Resigning himself to a night or two in darkness, he tucks his knees against his chest and covers his ears with his arms, attempting to block out as much of the noise as possible.

But you can’t silence your own guilt.

It was pitch black in the house by the time Dazai arrived, which was unusual, but he figured that Chuuya was either tucked in and fast asleep already or strewn across some surface with a movie.

“Chuuya ~,” he sang. “I’m back ~!” Concern grew on Dazai’s face when the routine groan of usually completely false annoyance didn’t sound. He counted all the hats in the closet as he tucked his own clothing away and muttered to no one in particular, “he’s definitely here…”

The detective took a few steps before he sounded again, “Chuuya? Where are you?” The absence of an answer worried him further. No matter how tired, angry, or drunk Chuuya was, he always made a point of greeting his partner as unenthusiastically as he could.

Dazai made his way through the house, checking a few rooms before he found Chuuya. Scrunched up in the far corner of the bedroom, his faint form was desperately trying to be swallowed by darkness. Even for someone who consistently allowed themselves to actually be swallowed by the darkness, seeing Chuuya in such distress and anguish was deeply unsettling for Dazai. Chuuya always surrounded himself with people, and for him to look so alone–

Dazai shook off his thoughts and made his way over to the man, crouching low a few feet away.

“…uuya? Chuuya?” When he didn’t respond, Dazai raised his volume a fraction.

“Are you alright?” Chuuya jumped a little, unaware that someone had crossed into his world of anguish.

Dazai chuckled. He couldn’t help but find it a little humourous; it’s not often he was able to get the jump on him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to–”

“Dazai?” Chuuya’s voice was hoarse and distant, and Dazai immediately steeled himself.

“Are you– what happened?”

The executive didn’t answer. He just stared—not through Dazai or at anything; he just looked ahead with no purpose. Chuuya could hear something but could not decipher the sounds for the life of him. He only realized they were words when he noticed Dazai’s mouth moving.

There was nothing about Chuuya's demeanour that told Dazai he was conscious. But he also wasn't unconscious. God knows Dazai is all too familiar with Chuuya's unconscious mind, and this wasn't it. There was no light in his eyes, but they weren't lifeless. It was as if Chuuya had trapped himself in his own body, caught between two states of being. He didn't know if Chuuya could even process what he was saying in this state, but he also didn't want to stop. Perhaps Dazai believed in a silly idea that the sound waves might reach him, that they would guide him through whatever limbo he was in.

Once he finished, Dazai rose from his place on the floor and made his way to the bedroom door. Chuuya could see him leaving, but he couldn’t hear his footsteps. All he could focus on was the voices getting louder again, and the second that Dazai was out that door they started to echo again. Unwilling to fight them, Chuuya lowered his head back down and let the pressure build in his chest and ache his muscles.

Physically, the pain was no different from a hard day's work, but emotionally, it was excruciating. Every breath was hell. Each inhale wound a cord up tightly, but breathing out did nothing to release it. All of the fibres in Chuuya's body felt like they would snap and finally grant him a moment's release, maybe even exhaust him enough to sleep, but they didn't. Instead, they grew tighter and tighter, digging into every strand until it inevitably cut him into a million little pieces.

When Dazai returned, he was greeted with a sight more devastating than before. Tension was emanating from Chuuya like heat from a grill, and he looked positively hopeless.

“Chuuya,” Dazai’s voice was uncharacteristically soft—unfitting, really—but he hoped it might help Chuuya focus. “Will you come with me?” He waited a few moments, giving the redhead extra time to process.

To Chuuya, the sounds outside his head would die before they could fully reach him. The echo was good at drowning everything out like that.

But luckily, Dazai always did have a talent for evading death.

“You don’t have to do anything, I promise. I’ll–” He hesitated. How can you promise to take care of someone else when you’ve never been able to care for yourself?

“–I’ll help you. Please, Chuuya. If you stay here, it’s not going to get any better.”

Chuuya Nakahara knows that he is right. Of anyone, Osamu Dazai would know, wouldn’t he? It takes him a little while, but with a few shaky breaths and silent tears, he lifts his head and places his hand in the one outstretched before him. This won't fix him, but he has to admit that when Dazai rubs his thumb along his skin, it releases some of the tension in his shoulders. Dazai leans forward and slowly reaches for Chuuya’s other hand, stiff from how tight he was grasping onto his other arm.

“Okay, up we go.” Wasting no time to get Chuuya out of the isolation he'd built for himself, Dazai does his best to support as much of his weight as he can while holding his hands. He doesn’t know how long Chuuya had been sitting there, but he reckons his legs have probably gone numb. As if on cue, Chuuya almost falls right back down before Dazai has a hand on his waist.

“Careful.”

Chuuya's eyes are red and puffy, and his agony has left trails down his cheeks. Chuuya has always been beautiful to Dazai, stealing heartfelt glances when the former isn't looking. But seeing him like this is, in a way, even more breathtaking to Dazai. It means that after all these years of being so sick of each other's mere existence that Chuuya, his rival, his partner, trusts Dazai enough to shatter before him completely. Bringing Chuuya's hand up to his mouth, he lets his lips linger for a few moments as they wait for Chuuya's legs to regain feeling.

Once Chuuya is stable, he lets go of the shorter man’s waist and leads him with one hand, still petting his thumb across the freezing expanse of his hand.

Chuuya doesn’t know what his partner has been doing, or maybe he does. He can’t remember right now; he doesn’t want to. Wherever Dazai is taking him, it takes no longer than twenty seconds, but he feels like a stranger in his own home, wading through the thickest pool of molasses. He can see a straight hallway ahead of him, but it seems like an endless maze of twists and turns. One foot in front of the other, he tries to tell himself, but it’s hard to tell your feet what to do when you feel like a stranger in your own body to. He can feel his face growing wetter as they arrive at their destination. However, in a brief moment of relief, he realizes that they're not tears but steam.

For the time that he had disappeared past the threshold, Dazai had run Chuuya a hot bath and made him something simple to eat. Knowing all too well what feeling this way does to one’s motivation and desire. But honestly, the last thing Chuuya wants to do right now is to bathe. It’s far too much work, and he’d rather be back in the dark in the corner or under a blanket. Even if it meant he’d be alone with his stupid fucking thoughts.

“I know it seems like a chore, but it will help, Chuuya.” Dazai’s familiarity with the muddied waters of one’s own psyche was currently vastly irritating. Chuuya knows that he’s right. He does, but even then, it’s still too much for him to handle right now.

Dazai takes Chuuya’s other hand back in his own. “Do you want me to stay?”

“I– I don’t know.” His voice sounded better to Dazai, the steam probably settling in his throat.

“It’s okay not to know, but I can’t stay here with you if you don’t know.”

Chuuya snaps his head a little at that, shooting his partner an exhausted expression. Dazai gives a slight smile at the motion and gives the others' hands, still in his own, a reassuring squeeze. Perhaps it’s a little morally wrong given the circumstances, but he thinks that he could have a little, tiny bit of fun with this.

“Would you like my help?” He asks again, and Chuuya nods his head before practically collapsing into his arms.

Oh, it is absolutely morally wrong, but he can’t help himself, so he softly teases the man. “Such a gentleman! Flirting with me before we spend the night in each other's company!”

That earns a tired groan from Chuuya who is not willing to put up with Dazai’s usual jeering, but also not unexpected of the brunette to choose the completely wrong time to make his jokes.

“I’m sorry, my darling.” He uses the pet name, knowing he’ll be able to get away with it tonight since Chuuya is too tired to fight him. He runs his fingers through red strands, waiting for Chuuya’s breathing to even out in his hold before moving his hands down to the hem of his shirt. Deft fingers slip underneath and rub small circles into the skin there.

“Is this okay?” He whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Upon receiving a satisfied hum of approval, he lifts Chuuya’s shirt over his head and drops it onto the counter. Staying out of your head is hard when you’re alone. Knowing Chuuya has already surmised his partners' intentions of distracting him, gently, Dazai pulls him back into his chest and runs his nails down his back. Chuuya’s skin was already freezing before, so he can’t tell if his goosebumps are from chills, or from him. He hopes it’s the latter. After a few seconds, his movements shift into steady pressure trying to work out the tension that Chuuya had cultivated. When he feels Chuuya fall further into him, Dazai is pleased with his work already.

“Chuuya,” he presses harder when he finds a particularly knotty spot at the base of Chuuya’s neck. “Unless you want to get in with your pants on, you’ll have to take them off.”

This earns Dazai a particularly unimpressed look when Chuuya pushes off his chest.

“What?”

Chuuya continues to stare.

“Did you want me to do it for you?”

Well, Chuuya supposes that Dazai can’t help the fact that he is an idiot. After all, he did promise to help. He rolls his eyes and lets out a particularly rumbly sigh, and drops his pants himself, kicking them to the side.

“So forward of you~” teases Dazai.

Turning towards the tub, Chuuya grumbles. “I hate you.”

Dazai grins again. Even if he still feels worse than shit, he’s glad to see Chuuya with a little bit of his fire again. “I know you do. Here, let me help.”

Holding onto Chuuya’s forearm, Dazai helps him settle into the bath. Chuuya resumes his form from earlier in the night, but much more open. His arms are propped on top of his knees, hands hanging down, and fingers just dipping into the water. Dropping his head in between his shoulders as the heat surrounds his aching body, blue eyes fall shut. Then, he releases a deep breath he didn’t even realize he was holding in. Dazai has his arm across the edge of the tub, resting his head with eyes full of admiration. With Chuuya completely bare in front of him, he traces the flow of his body with his eyes. Stopping often to archive all the little things he loves. Soft red hair that he can't help but play with. Shoulders that he's cried on. The gentleness of his otherwise blood-soaked hands. Even the scars littered across his skin, Dazai loves. They look much better on Chuuya than on him. He reaches out and just barely grazes the sides of Chuuya’s fingers above the water.

“What are you so happy about?”

Dazai hums in response, and Chuuya blows a ripple on the water. They spend a while like this—still, just next to each other, the only sound being an occasional jittery breath.

Dazai interrupts the silence by dipping his fingers into the water and letting the droplets roll off onto Chuuya’s shoulder.

“Feeling better?”

Chuuya wiggles his fingers in the water, trying to find an answer below the surface.

“C’mere, and turn around.”

Chuuya turns his head, resting it along his arm and staring the man down.Dazai can read it in his eyes: For what.

“You’re still tense. So come here.” He presses his finger on the edge of the tub. “I didn’t get to finish getting all the knots out.”

Dazai is not as good at hiding his intentions from Chuuya as he thinks he can be. “You just want to play with my hair.”

Dazai knows this. He feigns being insulted anyway, throwing his hands into the air. “And so what if I do? Is that a crime? Is it wrong of me to want t–”

“You’re real insufferable, y’know.” Chuuya turns his back to the side of the bathtub.

Dazai smiles sweetly. He likes that so much of their relationship can be left unsaid. Sure, sometimes it probably shouldn’t be unsaid, but it’s fine. Dazai is happy. “It’s why we work so well together.”

He gets to work on dissipating the rest of the fear and anger in Chuuya’s bones, occasionally and very intentionally, getting sidetracked and twirling a lock of hair around his fingers. At the mercy of Dazai's frighteningly deft hands, a particular spot just above Chuuya's shoulder blade earns Dazai a groan—one he oh so graciously accepts. Working lithe fingers around it, Chuuya leans his head back onto Dazai as the little ball of stress is pulled apart, strand by strand.

Chuuya's neck is deliciously bared, and Dazai is an opportunistic man. He trails kisses up to just below red lashes, slow and endearing. He continues massaging throughout, placing a final one on fluttering eyes before dragging his lips back down to Chuuya’s ear.

“The water’s getting cool, my love. You should really get out soon.” Dazai is very pleased with himself when Chuuya shudders. (He is an opportunistic man, after all, and it truly is such a wonderful opportunity to be the most annoying man on the planet.) He lets his mouth fall down to Chuuya’s shoulder, resting for a moment and trying very hard to hold back the biggest, dopiest grin. Of course, Chuuya can tell. He can sense the smallest shifts in Dazai's behaviour. Although, this time he could tell by just feeling Dazai's facial muscles straining against his shoulder. But Dazai doesn't need to know that.

"...Shut up. Get me a towel." Chuuya does a very bad job of hiding the blush on his cheeks.

Dazai just smiles at his partner, he can't see, but it's a smile full of fondness. One with admiration, love, and as much as he'd rather die than admit it, respect too. Letting someone see you have a complete breakdown, watching as the industrial strength glue you've used to keep yourself from falling apart rapidly starts to degrade, and still trusting that they won't think any differently of or diminish you, takes so much courage. It takes so much trust to rely on someone, even someone you love, to help you set the pieces back together.

That's something Dazai has never been able to do. He can't let go of that vulnerability, and he cannot have it used against him. Of course, deep down, Dazai knows that Chuuya would never do that to him, but it's hard to turn off those thoughts. It's hard to think of yourself as worth loving and caring for when you have never loved or cared for yourself.

"Hey, are you okay?" The smile on Dazai's face is forlorn. Realizing that Chuuya is reading him like a book Dazai masterfully shifts his expression, changing the atmosphere around him. This is not about him, and he shouldn't be making it so.

"I'm just peachy, Chibi!” Chuuya doesn't press any further.

Dazai wraps the towel around him, pulling at the ends to bring his partner closer. Taking a second to look over Chuuya, he notes that his eyes are no longer red and puffy, and his skin has a sheen from the moisture in the air. He truly is the most breathtaking person Dazai has ever had the displeasure of meeting.

With Chuuya at his chest, he leans down and kisses the man. It's needy, in a way. Soft and tender, but full of so much want, so much need. Like if he couldn't be close to Chuuya anymore, he would simply explode. Dazai doesn't know how to express it though. How he would articulate these thoughts in a way that feels right, so he settles for something simple. Maybe it's not as meaningful, but he trusts that Chuuya understands anyway.

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #dazai x chuuya #chuuya nakahara #dazai osamu #chuuya x dazai #bsd dazai #bsd chuuya #❀.writing #❀.drabbles

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journey-to-the-attic · 1 year

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one thing about ik is that she will always reach out

#obey me #art #i had the idea for this and managed to bulldoze through drawing it all without losing motivation halfway through #but Do Not expect me to post art this frequently in future #idk how to do panels so if the middle bit with the text might be laid out weird #i added the stars and feathers and stuff because there was a bunch of empty space around the boxes #obey me satan #jtta ik #(btw the crumbling symbol next to the exploding feather is the wrath symbol from in-game)#(with the pride symbol attached upside down at the bottom)#(not so much symbolism as it is just me whacking you over the head with the point but it looks cool)#i had a lot of fun doing satan's more monstrous design so i might try my hand at some of the other demons later?#i do have some ideas for levi (deep sea creatures are just really fun)#also happy nightbringer release day!! it showed up on my homescreen like half an hour ago and i was like “wait what”#for some reason i thought it wasn't releasing til next week??#the new genshin patch is today as well so looks like i'll have plenty to do with the rest of my free time for the easter hols #(i promise i'm also working on the next chapter of jtta but i am so stuck on how to get lucifer actually Talking)#anyway. here's a gold star for making it through all my rambling in the tags for anyone who did so: ⭐

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unproduciblesmackdown · 1 year

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Lackadaisy Enrichment

#in our enclosures!!#video linked as source; which i'm glad to see already has a million views and is trending. That's Right #lackadaisy #WHICH i have been reading since at least '07 when i was thirteen my god b/c this animation is based on the ongoing webcomic #like does its influence show up Directly in some Discrete way i can point to in my art? not very easily probably. And Yet.#the inspiration....i wasn't able to be Regularly Only for at least another year / art done Nonprofessionally Online was novel to me #like wow ppl can make & post fanart of w/e they love huh....didn't know webcomics were a thing & i never really read that many since but.#good god the quality of Lackadaisy at its onset is like this is superb?? this person putting in all their talent and effort???#and Then you get years & years more art and i don't even know what superlatives to throw out abt its quality as it evolves. obsessed w/it..#if i see a new lackadaisy comic page i Will be acting out. obviously this animation is a delight & also stunning. and fascinating to also #juxtapose as a Translation / Interpretation of the comic in a different medium & standalone snippet of Story #and that we're not even quite there in the comic timeline; Taking Notes abt character info we get distilledly here....genuinely love like #take it back to '07 i'm like oh boy can't wait for the dream team to assemble. then a decade later when it did? Oh Boy. that is payoff lol #namely hooray for stitches and mudbug at the field office for every passing gangster. killing one marigold associate but not the other #which seems like a promising start to shootouts w/the other dream team triumvirate. i adore that in canon so far mordecai freckle & rocky #have met but only over a nice brunch. re: all intentions anyways. anyways i'm like Gifs Must Be Made while i'm also so riled afresh abt the #comic that i've been sooo hype for for over fifteen yrs now babeyyy Deservedly. i've done a couple of rereads & ought to do another....#For Interest it'd probably take a few sittings to catch up from the start but there is much to be engaged over....this ongoing story that's #historical fiction prohibition bootlegging cats with plenty of focus on characters & several Mysteries. which i'm better at parsing now lol #like one of the more recent rereads like Oh Of Course x (probably) accidentally killed his y & z took the fall & that's a binding secret...#Not [oh of course] abt the circumstances surrounding a's death & how b & c were involved. nor the ''what's marigold's damage'' mystery #which is great. love to not know things. love that we can readily follow all the emergent drama everyone's wading in nowadays. hell yeah #anyways admire my organized approach to gifs here. four shots each Expressions Atmosphere Action Groupshots #sure might've muddled through gifmaking for this anyways but fr being a huge lackadaisy comic enjoyer for now most of my life helps #and its very Overall Inspiration like. just really getting the [you can really just draw stuff out here] going. fr the art's detail & skill #and that enrichment like i'm gonna have a great time following this. And I Have #you don't expect a crowdfunded indie animation in the mix back then but hell yeah fellas #SIGH ok removing a 4th gif that's broken / not displayed despite reuploading then entirely remaking it. if it's a bug i'll try again later

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kaladinkholins · 4 months

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We all already know Mizu and Akemi are narrative foils. But you know what? Lemme just say it, here's what I think:

Taigen and Mikio are foils.

Not necessarily to each other as individuals in the way that Mizu and Akemi juxtapose each other, but mostly in the contrast between their relationships with Mizu.

I've covered specific parallels between Taigen and Mikio in other posts I wrote; but as the number of parallels I'm noticing between them keeps piling up, I'm compelled to just compile them all in one post. So! This is, thus, the post in question.

First of all, let's look at their similarities.

1. Their status in society is the same. They are both samurai who lost their honour and have dreams of reclaiming it.

2. They are also both diligent as they strive to achieve this goal, they both care deeply about their work, but here as they begin to contrast, as the work in question and way they go about their goals is different:

For Mikio, his work is in taming and rearing horses; in order to prove himself, he must tame Kai—a willful and strong horse—and present it to his lord. For Taigen, his work is in sword fighting and martial arts; in order to prove himself, he must kill Mizu—a willful and strong swordsman—and present her dead body to his lord.

In the parallel above, not only are Taigen and Mikio contrasting each other, but Mizu and Kai are placed in comparison as well. And of course, Kai is Mizu's horse, and represents her. Which is why, when later, Mikio sells Kai off, it represents the way he is tossing Mizu (and their relationship) aside.

From there, the rest of the details of their character begin to contrast and juxtapose each other more clearly. So let's look at those differences, shall we?

Their backstory:

Mikio was a great samurai who was banished. A somebody to a nobody. Taigen was a fisherman’s son who rose to the top. A nobody to a somebody.

2. The first time we meet them on-screen:

Mikio is an adult. An older man. Mizu's superior in age. He is Mizu's to-be husband. A love interest. Taigen is a child. A young boy. Mizu's peer in age. He is Mizu's bully. An antagonist.

3. Their maturity and growth:

Mikio is mature, but stuck in his ways. Taigen is immature, but capable of changing and learning.

4. Their overall attitude:

Mikio is generally relaxed, easy-going and unfussy. Taigen is uptight, irritable and severe.

5. How they talk to and conduct themselves around Mizu:

Mikio is aloof, soft-spoken, and serious. Taigen is obnoxious, brash, and sarcastic. Mikio is quiet, speaking only when spoken to, even when Mizu turns to smile at him and shows openness to be near him. Taigen is loud, talking while others are silent, even when Mizu turns from him and shows no interest in conversing with him.

Mikio doesn't show much of who he is to Mizu throughout their marriage, despite their growing affection. Taigen openly shares his traumas and life story to Mizu during their brief alliance, despite their mutual antagonism.

6. Their external vs internal selves:

Mikio is calm, gentle, and considerate on the outside. Taigen is hot-headed, rude, and selfish on the outside. Mikio is cowardly and deceitful on the inside. Taigen is brave and loyal to a fault on the inside. Mikio tells Mizu that he wants to know and see all of her. But he scorns and betrays her, the woman he loves. Taigen tells Mizu that he wants to duel and kill him. But he endures torture to not betray him, the man he hates.

9. Their hair, a symbol of their honour:

Mikio's topknot is untied by Mizu during their spar. This humiliation occurs in private, the two of them alone in a rural location where no one can see them. Taigen's topknot is cut off by Mizu during their duel. This humiliation occurs in public, the two of them being watched by many others in the Shindo Dojo.

10. Their power dynamic with Mizu:

Mikio believes he is Mizu's mentor. He teaches her to throw knives, how to ride and care for horses, and about the tactical benefits of using a naginata. Taigen believes he is Mizu's equal. He views Mizu as a samurai like himself who received all the same teachings he did, and who possesses the same values.

11. Their perceptions of Mizu:

Mikio sees Mizu's feminine side first. He sees her as sweet and gentle, but also clumsy and incompetent. Taigen sees Mizu's masculine side first. He sees her as terrifying and deadly, but also strong and skilled.

12. The way they approach sparring with Mizu:

Mikio only spars with Mizu once. As the fight progresses and she is beating him, he tries to put a stop to it. When she teases/provokes him, he starts taking the fight personally and seriously, finding no enjoyment in it. Taigen spars and brawls with Mizu all the time. No matter how many times Mizu beats him, he doesn't back down. When Mizu challenges him with a chopstick, he is eager to compete with her and gladly rises up to the challenge.

Mikio and Mizu's one and only spar is a friendly match; Mizu is smiling and having fun while he grows increasingly frustrated. Taigen and Mizu's last-seen spar is a playful wrestling match; both him and Mizu are having fun and laughing.

Mikio cannot deal with Mizu being better than him, so he scorns her and walks off, avoiding her thereafter. When Taigen cannot deal with Mizu being better than him, he follows her to observe her moves and continues training in hopes to eventually beat her. After being bested by Mizu once, Mikio leaves her and sells the horse he'd previously gifted to her. After many times losing to Mizu and fighting alongside her, Taigen commends her and admits she is better than him.

13. When Mizu pins them down in a friendly spar:

Mikio sees Mizu's whole face objectively. Taigen stares at Mizu's mouth and eyes.

Mikio gets angry when she kisses him, throwing her off of him and snapping at her, calling her a monster. Taigen gets aroused, apologising, so she pulls herself off of him.

14. Mizu's blue meteorite sword is a reflection of her soul. She believes most are undeserving to face it, let alone hold it. And on that note:

Mikio is the first person (chronologically) that Mizu fights against using her sword. Taigen is the first person (we see on-screen) that Mizu fights against with her sword. Mikio is the first person (chronologically) to ever hold her sword, as she passes it to him, letting him wield it. Taigen is the first person (we see on-screen) to ever hold her sword, as she passes out, and he picks it up and carries it for her.

15. Then, last but not least, in Fowler's fortress, when she is drugged and in pain, she hears Ringo's voice in the dungeon. She then follows it to an open cell:

Mizu first sees Mikio as a hallucination, the sight of him haunting her and causing her to lose her grip on reality. Her eyes glow a surreal blue to represent this. Her Mama appears then and says Mizu's name accusingly.

Mizu then sees Taigen, but he is real, the sight of him a relief and grounding her back to reality. Her eyes return to their normal blue colour to represent this. Taigen looks at Mizu weakly and says her name softly.

Then, later, when facing Fowler, her revenge awaiting her, she instead chooses to follow her conscience (represented by Ringo's voice in her mind), putting aside her vengeance for a time, in order to save Taigen.

So that's basically all the ones I've noticed so far, but even then, I feel there's already so much that forms a contrast between these two.

What makes it especially incredible about these juxtapositions is that Mikio was Mizu's husband, the man she had fallen in love with, the one person she had ever been intimate with, the man who made her begin to accept herself, to put down her desire for vengeance and instead live a life of peace and happiness.

So for Taigen to have so many parallels with him... Do you see what I'm saying here!

Not to mention that Mizu clearly already has some burgeoning attraction to him, as indicated by how she thinks of him when asked about her desires. And Taigen clearly has shown interest as well (see: him getting a boner after their spar, him holding her hand and telling her, "We're not done yet.").

And on the topic of speculating future possibilities of this relationship, this post by @stromblessed has pointed out yet another parallel between Taigen and Mikio:

Mizu promises Taigen to meet him for their duel in autumn. Mizu fell in love with Mikio and duelled him during autumn.

With all that said, I do believe Mizu and Taigen's relationship is definitely hurtling towards something. But whether they will actually end up together in a sustainable relationship and have a happily ever after? Well, that is a whole other story; we'll just have to wait and see.

#blue eye samurai #mizu x taigen #taigen x mizu #taimizu #taigen blue eye samurai #blue eye samurai meta #hope yall enjoy my thesis on virgin mikio vs chad taigen #this was written last night when i shouldve been writing the new chapter for my taimizu fic that i promised i would work on....whoopsies...#i will get to it eventually but i just have to get a firmer grip on characterisation before i can delve further into it yk #on that note. i kiiinda regret posting the fic on a whim!#my last longfic was written better because i had the whole thing complete and could go back and edit/polish/revise before posting #so it came out much more coherent and consistent ykwim?#this fic might suffer a bit for this reason 🤒#but its fine i have to remind myself im just doing it for funsies #anyway here have another long ass meta post from yours truly #meta dissertations.pdf #shut up haydar #fandom.rtf

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leejihoonownsmyheart · 1 year

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Love the Way You Lie (M)

This is the real part five to the Pathetic series

Summary:

After finding out that Jeonghan has been lying y/n is thrown into a state of emotional turmoil. All the while, Jeonghan's actions leave her more and more confused by the day.

Warning: Y/n is objectified a bit in a not-so-cute way by two people who aren't Jeonghan. Nothing really happens but just be warned.

Tags: 15k words, dub con for safety reasons, Porn with Plot, frat boy!Jeonghan, college student!y/n, best friend!Jeongyeon, soft!dom to hard!dom Jeonghan, mean!Jeonghan (and y/n loves it), submissive!y/n, female!y/n (sorry gender-neutral friends), heavy degradation, a lot of impact play in this one, masochist!y/n, sadist!Jeonghan, skull fucking, creampie, little bit of exhibitionism, little bit of cumplay, Jeonghan regains his aftercare crown

Part Five:

It turned out you were right. Thirteen boys couldn’t lie to you. Just one. You went to each and every boy in Alpha Mu. Random questions about random nights, and you realized that there was no reason for them to lie to you about this. They knew Jeonghan better than anyone other than you assumed his own family.

If Jeonghan was sleeping with other people and was willing to tell you about it than the others would know that. What they wouldn’t know was that Jeonghan would lie to you about sleeping with other people because that would be crazy.

You didn’t get it.

Why did he think that you would care about him sleeping with other people? You two weren’t exclusive. He had made that abundantly clear, and you had made it abundantly clear that you didn’t mind your arrangement.

You stared at your black television screen; your legs crossed on your couch. Your lips were pursed in thought but no matter how long you sat there it didn’t make any sense. Who the fuck would lie about that?

Thirty minutes into your silent pondering the front door opened. You didn’t look over, but you didn’t have to. Moments after the door closed you felt someone join you on the couch.

You and Jeongyeon were silent for a while.

“I...” Jeongyeon finally broke the silence. “I talked to Jimin.”

Your eyes widened and you looked over at her.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jeongyeon replied. For a scary moment she was silent, just staring at the television like you had before. Then the smallest hint of a smile crossed her lips. “We’re going on a date. A proper date!”

Jeongyeon squealed, covering her face with her hand.

“I literally can’t believe it!” She exclaimed. “I mean... After all these years, I never thought...”

She trailed off shaking her head.

“You know, it was killing me not to tell you about how I was beginning to feel about Jimin. When I realized that I was looking forward to waking up next to him-”

“I could tell you wanted a relationship,” you agreed softly. “But with Jimin? I’d never imagined it.”

“He’s so nice y/n. It started off slowly, at first it was disgruntled kicking me out, both of us completely disgusted by what we had just done but as it kept happening... I looked forward to it. He started being nicer, gentler... I was happy to wake up next to him.”

You were happy for Jeongyeon- You really were, but as she was talking you were beginning to realize something. Your eyebrows furrowed uncertainly, and Jeongyeon seemed to notice. She frowned.

“What’s wrong?” She asked. Your eyes trailed down to your lap.

“I’m just... Confused.”

Jeongyeon reached forward, her hands taking yours.

“What about?” She prodded.

“Jeonghan.... Lied to me about sleeping with other girls.”

Pity crossed Jeongyeon’s eyes, and she squeezed your hands.

“Hey, look he isn’t worth shit if he’s going to cheat on you.”

“That’s the thing!” You emphasized. “We agreed that he could sleep with other people, remember? That never changed between us. I don’t care if he sleeps with other people. We’re fuck buddies! That’s what fuck buddies do when they aren’t exclusive.”

“Then why did he feel the need to lie to you?” Jeongyeon asked, her confusion matching your own.

“You don’t even understand yet- He didn’t lie telling me he wasn’t sleeping with other girls. He lied telling me he was sleeping with other girls.”

Jeongyeon pulled her hands away from yours, her mouth slightly ajar and her eyebrows scrunched together.

“What?” She blurted out.

“See, Yeongtae and I were talking, and he pointed out that Jeonghan is really possessive of me. Which I had noticed, and you know...”

“Hot,” Jeongyeon agreed. “That’s part of why I fell for Jimin. Another guy was flirting with me at a party and... Well...”

You nodded.

“Right, so he pointed out that he’s possessive but I kinda just thought it was a bit. Foreplay.” You paused. “And hatred for Yeongtae, of course.”

“Of course,” Jeongyeon agreed.

“But the longer I think about it. We don’t really act like fuck buddies.”

“How do you mean?” Jeongyeon asked.

“Like... I stay and eat breakfast with him, and the other Alpha Mu boys and he always makes sure I stay the night. Gives me better aftercare than anyone I’ve ever been with before. I helped him build a lego set the other day. That’s just. Friend behavior.”

“Friends with benefits behavior,” Jeongyeon pipped up. “But non-exclusive friends with benefits.”

“Right. Except that now I come to find out we are exclusive.”

You shook your head.

“Soonyoung told me that Jeonghan hasn’t slept with anyone since the second time that we fucked.”

“You don’t think... That he has feelings for you, do you?”

“I didn’t!” You insisted. “But now...?”

“The man who doesn’t sleep with anyone twice,” Jeongyeon said, her voice airy. “I mean if he actually is into you. What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know!” You replied. “I mean... He’s Yoon Jeonghan.”

“Yeah...” Jeongyeon agreed, a small cocky smile crossing her lips. “But he’s Yoon Jeonghan. Everyone is practically begging to date him. And if he’s willing to settle down for you? You’d be dumb not too.”

“You think?” You asked, your eyes looking away from her.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “And he’s really nice to you. He clearly cares for you in a way. Even if it isn’t actually those feelings yet.”

“This is stupid,” you said, immediately waving away the thought. “Now, I can’t explain Jeonghan’s behavior but there’s no way that he actually likes me.” You needed a conversation change. “Let’s focus on what we do know. You and Jimin!”

The smile grew back on Jeongyeon’s face.

“I hope that you can skip your morning class tomorrow because I could talk about this all night!” She exclaimed excitedly.

A smile cracked across your face.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“No y/n today?”

Jeonghan glanced up from his phone while he walked into the kitchen, finding only Seungcheol standing there, leaning against the counter.

“Hm? No.”

“Weird. She hasn’t been over in a few days. Have you been seeing her?”

“She’s busy,” Jeonghan replied. “Studying with Yeongtae.”

A small crack echoed through the small room. Both Jeonghan and Seungcheol looked at the now broken wooden chopstick in Jeonghan’s hand. He cleared his throat, setting the pieces on the table.

“Besides, we don’t need to hang out all the time. That’s not really what our relationship is.”

“Right,” Seungcheol said. He let silence fall between the two for a little bit and then: “You know, y/n called me the other night.”

Jeonghan perked up at the information, but it wasn’t in excitement.

“What? Why?”

“She asked me about what girls you were sleeping with.”

Jeonghan looked away from Seungcheol, cursing under his breath and burying his face in his hands.

“Fuck, why would she-” He groaned loudly. “And let me guess-”

“Why does she think that you are fucking other people? Aren’t you exclusive?”

“Technically, it’s one-sided. She’s made it very clear that she had agreed to not sleep with other people, but I was free to.”

Seungcheol’s confusion didn’t have to be outwardly expressed. Jeonghan could feel it.

“Who would-” He shook his head. “I’ve got to stop questioning the things that y/n lets you do to her. Just... So why would she care if you were sleeping with other people if she agreed to those terms?”

“Maybe because...” Jeonghan cleared his throat uncertainly, risking a look at his friend. “Perhaps I told her I was sleeping with other people.”

Seungcheol gave Jeonghan a blank stare.

“But you’re not.”

Jeonghan nodded.

“But I’m not.”

Seungcheol stared at Jeonghan silently, and then, after a few moments turned away from him, placing both of his hands on the kitchen counter and sighing heavily.

He began to mutter under his breath, but it wasn’t quiet enough for Jeonghan not to make out the: “How am I the one that is single in this house? I’m the only one with fucking-”

Seungcheol turned back around, forcing a smile on his lips.

“Why would you lie to y/n and tell her that you are sleeping with other people?”

Jeonghan’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Why does it matter?” Jeonghan demanded. “I’m allowed to lie to her if I want to. It’s a harmless lie.”

“It’s still a lie.”

Jeonghan exhaled loudly out of his nose.

“What does it matter?”

“Jeonghan, where do you see this thing with y/n going?”

“That’s a stupid question,” Jeonghan said.

Seungcheol walked over to the table, pulling out the chair next to Jeonghan and sitting in it. He fixed Jeonghan under a stern gaze.

“Do you like y/n?”

Jeonghan scoffed at first, his eyes turning away from Seungcheol.

“Do I like y/n? Jesus Seungcheol, do you know me at all?” He looked back at Seungcheol. “I’m Yoon Jeonghan.”

“Yeah,” Seungcheol agreed. “Yoon Jeonghan who fucks everything that walks and unabashedly kicks them out every morning. Yoon Jeonghan who does not fuck anyone twice- Hell you barely interact with the people you’ve fucked before.”

Before Jeonghan could say anything Seungcheol continued:

“And then you sleep with y/n. You sleep with... What? Two girls after her and then it’s back to her. You’re so bipolar about this! The first night you slept with her you were definitely open to fucking her again, and then you got all aloof and then you slept with her a second time and all of a sudden you are saying we should get used to her-”

“That’s-”

“I’m not finished,” Seungcheol interrupted. “Don’t even get me started on your borderline obsession with Yeongtae. You think I don’t notice you asking about him to anyone who will listen? Your phone is open to his instragram page right now!”

“He’s a weird guy!” Jeonghan protested.

“You are jealous,” Seungcheol said. “You are jealous, and you miss her when she doesn’t come to parties, and you even let her mess with legos with you. You practically beg her to stay every morning.”

“What are you trying to say?” Jeonghan asked angrily, not afraid to express that this conversation was not one he wanted to be a part of. Seungcheol, however, was not fazed by his murderous tone.

“Just admit it!” Seungcheol replied. “I don’t have to tell you your feelings. You know what I’m trying to say.”

“I have nothing to admit.” The two of them were screaming at one another now. The top of their lungs, neither of them backing down.

“If y/n were to call you right now and tell you she was dating Yeongtae and wanted to cut things off, what would you do?”

“Nothing! We aren’t dating. She’s allowed to do what she wants. If she wants to date Yeongtae she can.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying!”

“You love y/n,” Seungcheol accused. “You love her and that’s why you hate when she hangs out with Yeongtae because while you two connect on a sexual level you are worried that you two won’t connect on a personal level, and Yeongtae and her do and you think that she’s going to leave you for him.”

“Shut up.”

“And if you keep this up? She will leave you,” Seungcheol said. “Are you really going to just let her slip away?”

“She’s not going to slip away!” Jeonghan hissed, slamming his hands down on the table. “You want the truth? Yes, I fucking love her. And I am jealous of her and Yeongtae. Why doesn’t she spend that time with me? I practically have to force her to have breakfast with us every day! She always has something else to do. I’m fucking Yoon Jeonghan why doesn’t she want me?”

Silence fell between the two, both of their chests heaving. They both stared at each other. Seungcheol looking pleased but also distressed for Jeonghan. As the two stood there, someone cleared their throat. Both boys turned to see that Seokmin was walking into the kitchen.

“What was that?” Seokmin asked. “Oh, yeah, my favorite way to wake up in the morning is to you two screaming about Jeonghan’s obvious feelings for y/n.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes, and briskly scooted back his chair back, the sound screeching throughout the house.

“Fuck off.”

Jeonghan stormed out of the kitchen, brushing past Minghao as he walked.

“Good morning to you too,” he said softly.

Jeonghan completely ignored him.

“I’m going to get some air.”

And just like that, he stormed out of the house.

You were startled away from your homework by a sudden knock at your door. Your eyebrows furrowed and you glanced at your phone. It was early. Jeongyeon was at class. You weren’t expecting Yeongtae today.

You cracked open your door, and standing in the hall, red in the face and breathless was Jeonghan. Your eyes widened.

“Jeonghan-”

“Did you even check before opening the door? Anyone could have been out here.”

“I-”

Jeonghan raised his hand in front of your face.

“I’m not going to lie to you right now: I am fucking furious,” Jeonghan said. “I know it’s early, and we haven’t seen each other in a few days but this is your first chance to back out. What is our safe word?”

You were surprised but... Always down to be fucked by Jeonghan. You were quick to say your safe word, taking a step back into the room and pushing the door slightly open for Jeonghan. His jaw clenched at the clear invitation.

“If I come into that apartment-”

“Do whatever you want to,” you replied. You pushed aside the uncertainty in the pit of your stomach, completely ignoring the part of you that was desperate to know why Jeonghan had lied to you about sleeping with other girls. “I’m yours.”

Jeonghan was in the room with the door closed behind him in a blink of an eye. He locked the door and began to rip his shirt off of his body. You were momentarily distracted... God, Jeonghan was like a walking fucking Adonis but you were snapped back to reality by Jeonghan saying: “Don’t just fucking stand there. Get your clothes off.”

You quickly locked the door behind you and began to strip yourself of your clothes but you weren’t fast enough. Jeonghan pushed you roughly against the wall and dragged your shirt off of you. As soon as it was tossed aside his lips were pressed to yours.

Jeonghan’s hands were quick to unfasten your bra, and you let it fall off of your shoulders and onto the ground between you two. Jeonghan pulled away from you, narrowing his eyes at you.

“You remembered what I told you? That day in the bathroom?” He asked. You didn’t need him to elaborate.

“You said you’d remind me of how depraved I was,” you replied breathlessly. Jeonghan’s lips flickered into a smile.

“That’s one thing about you,” he murmured. “You are a good listener.”

He stepped away from you and as he walked back his eyes trailed over your body. You swallowed hard.

“Crawl,” Jeonghan said. It snapped your attention back to Jeonghan, your eyelids fluttering.

“What?”

“I said to crawl,” Jeonghan repeated. Your mouth fell open and you quickly dropped down to your hands and knees. Your face blazed in embarrassment as you began to crawl towards Jeonghan but it just made Jeonghan laugh, his head tilting to the side in what seemed to be adoration. “So good for me.”

When you got to his feet, he kneeled down in front of you, placing a single finger to your forehead.

“Have you been good recently?” He asked you. It felt like a trick question, and you had no clue what the answer was.

“… Yes?”

He slapped you, making you gasp in surprise. He stood up and began to walk backwards again.

“Crawl.”

You did as you were told, and as you followed him, he started to talk again.

“You haven’t been good recently. You know why?”

You shook your head quickly. He scoffed.

“Because I had to fuck you twice in two separate bathrooms,” Jeonghan replied, his voice sharp. “You haven’t been over, you haven’t invited me over and I had to settle for fucking you in bathrooms.”

He turned around.

“Where’s your room?” He asked. You cleared your throat.

“It’s uh, the last door on the right.”

Without another word Jeonghan walked down the hallway, disappearing into your room. You stayed there for a second, on your hands and knees, wondering what he wanted you to do. You decided to just keep crawling.

That ended up being the right decision. When you got to your room Jeonghan was sitting on your bed, his legs spread and his head rested on his arm. He looked annoyed.

“Taking your fucking time, aren’t you?” He mumbled.

“Sorry,” you murmured. You crawled all the way up to him, settling yourself between his legs. Once you had sat back on your feet Jeonghan’s hand was on your chin.

“Open your mouth,” he said. You opened it and he suddenly stuck two of his fingers in your mouth. Surprised by the action you gagged, your head dropping forward. Jeonghan chided you softly.

“If you can’t even handle my fingers, how could you possibly handle my cock?” he asked you, his voice high and mocking. Your eyes widened at the tone, his words going straight to your core.

“I can handle-“ You were interrupted by a slap, and this time Jeonghan grabbed your chin with it. He looked at you with hooded eyes.

“I didn’t say you could talk now did I?” He asked. You shook your head obediently. His lips curled up into a smile. “There’s my good girl.”

He turned his eyes away from yours as he went to rummage through his things. You frowned, unsure of what he was doing, but you were glad he looked away because your face was burning red at the compliment.

It was ridiculous how much a tiny bit of praise could really send you over the top when it came from Jeonghan.

“I want to propose something,” Jeonghan said. Your eyes darted to where he had just grabbed something. He flashed a camera at you.

“How do you feel about being a star?”

Realization flooded your body as you realized what he was asking. Your mind raced to come up with an answer. This wouldn’t be the most public thing that you would be letting Jeonghan do, but it would be the most permanent thing you let him do.

You had never before let a fling take a video of you or a picture of you in any intimate way. At least, not since you were able to make rational decisions and remembered that you really had to trust someone before sending them those kinds of pictures of yourself.

Your hesitance wasn’t missed in Jeonghan. He nodded and started to put his phone away.

“That’s okay you don’t need to-” You reached out suddenly, grabbing his wrist. His eyes widened slightly at the sudden touch. You quickly searched his eyes, your mind running fast to figure out what you wanted to say.

“No, I just had to think about it for a second,” you replied. “I trust you. Go ahead.”

You let go of his wrist.

“Why do you want it anyway?” You asked, your tone lightly. He searched your eyes for a second, and then tilted his head, raising the phone camera to his face.

“I want you to see what you look like when you’re groveling at my feet,” Jeonghan replied, his voice low. “You’ll see what a good little slut you are.”

As Jeonghan spoke one of his hands left his phone and he buried his fingers in your hair.

“What do you do when you want me to stop?” Your eyes had drifted to Jeonghan’s dick, your mouth, embarrassingly enough drooling at the sight of it. It had been such a long time since he had decided to use your mouth. “Y/n.”

He tugged your head up sharply, and your eyes darted up. You quickly thought back on his words while you had been distracted and raised your hand to his thigh, tapping it twice. You gave him an apologetic expression, but his expression didn’t change.

“You’ve been bad about listening to me recently,” he commented lightly. “You’re so used to reward, and so spoiled that you think you can act up.”

You wanted to argue with him but as soon as your eyes fluttered back down he was tugging your head up more.

“Keep your eyes on the camera,” he said sternly. “Now tell the camera: Have you been spoiled recently?”

Your eyes peered into the camera lens, your face surely dark from a combination of anticipation, lust, and slight embarrassment.

“I’ve been spoiled,” you agreed. Jeonghan hummed.

“You started taking my dick for granted, didn’t you?” You nodded your agreement, fighting the urge to look at Jeonghan. “You’re going to have to earn your orgasm today.”

You couldn’t help it, your eyes shot to Jeonghan in surprise, and as soon as they did you felt yourself get hit in the face. This time it wasn’t by his hands. Your eyes widened further when you realized that his hand had left your hair and was now wrapped around the base of his cock.

Heat rushed through your body when you realized that he had hit you with his cock.

Your eyes darted back to the camera.

“I’m sorry,” you said, you glanced back at Jeonghan. “I’m so sorry, I’ll be good.” And then your eyes returned to the camera.

A hum left Jeonghan’s mouth, but he didn’t dwell too much on the fact that you were having trouble listening. Deep in the back of your mind you thought that Jeonghan couldn’t blame you for being so distracted. You wanted to be good but how could you be good when it had been so long since Jeonghan had touched you like this?

As these thoughts ran through your mind, Jeonghan’s hand returned back to your hair.

“Mouth open,” he commanded. Your mouth dropped open and Jeonghan quickly pushed your head down on his cock. You choked a little at the sudden intrusion, feeling your gag reflex go off even as you tried to push away the feeling. Jeonghan scoffed.

“You can’t even take my dick the way you usually can,” he chided. “You are usually so good at not choking, is it too big for you love?”

Your face burned as you focused hard on breathing through your nose. You made sure to keep your eyes on the camera, feeling ease fall over you when you stopped feeling the need to gag after each and every thrust.

The longer Jeonghan forced your head up and down the length of his cock, the more his taunting tone turned airy. He stopped talking in favor of moans tumbling from his mouth, but his relentlessness did not end. He began to essentially fuck your face faster and faster the longer that he went.

“Your mouth is so wet and hot,” Jeonghan said gruffly. Your eyes flitted towards him only to find that his eyes were shut in pleasure. “It’s almost as good as your pussy.”

He moaned at the mere mention of your pussy.

“I’m not interested in foreplay today; I need to fucking destroy you. You better get yourself ready.”

Your eyes shot back to the camera, realizing that you probably did not have much time to get yourself ready. Your hand lowered to your pussy, which was, of course, dripping wet. You pushed two of your fingers right into yourself with ease, wasting no time in matching Jeonghan’s pace.

It was getting a lot harder to keep your focus on the camera as Jeonghan started to move your head up and down faster on his cock. You could feel his cock twitch inside of your mouth, and by the way that his fingers were tightening their grip in your hair you knew that Jeonghan was getting close to having his first orgasm of the night. You pushed a third finger into yourself quickly, ignoring the burn as you began to also suck on his cock more, hoping to bring him closer, faster, like you thought he wanted.

“I’m going to cum in your perfect little mouth, and I want you to capture all of the cum. I better not see a single drop spilled.”

You moaned around Jeonghan’s cock, excitement buzzing through your body as Jeonghan got closer to his orgasm. You only had to wait a few more pumps before Jeonghan’s cum started to fill your mouth. He pulled his cock out enough so that it was really just his tip in your mouth as he began to come.

“Don’t swallow it either.”

His hand left your hair, and then suddenly he pulled himself out of your mouth. You opened your mouth to protest but then a little bit of cum dripped from your mouth and you slammed it shut. Jeonghan didn’t seem to be bothered. He instead gave his cock a few pumps as he painted your face with the rest of his cum, and once he had finally stopped you got slapped hard.

“Didn’t I tell you not to get any cum on your face?” He snapped. Your eyes shot to his in apology but that apparently wasn’t the right move either. “And you’re not even looking at the camera.”

Your eyes shot back to the camera just in time for Jeonghan’s fingers to bury in your hair again and he forced your head back.

“Say thank you for the cum with it still in your mouth,” he commanded. You were quick to comply.

“Thank you for the cum,” you said.

“Louder.”

“Thank you for the cum,” you repeated, much louder this time. Jeonghan hummed, looking at you from behind the camera screen. After a few seconds of just staring at you he set the phone aside and pulled you up by the strands of your hair. He pushed you onto the bed, your ass sticking out over the edge and grabbed you by the hips to pull you up against his pelvis, pushing his cock into you without warning.

You cried out in surprise and more cum dripped out of your mouth, so you slammed your hand over it, feeling your already wet fingers smear his cum over your cheeks.

Jeonghan snickered.

“Trying so hard to be good now aren’t you?” He asked. “You scared you’re going to lose your orgasm?”

Jeonghan pushed deep into you, hard again without warning, jostling your whole body and making you fall awkwardly on your face. You quickly tried to steady yourself but then he pushed into you hard again and you found yourself back in the same position.

Jeonghan seemed to be annoyed by how you were jostling because he made a sound that resembled that of a growl and pushed your head down into the comforter.

“Stop moving.”

Now that you were steady under Jeonghan he began to really lose control. You hadn’t thought it was possible for Jeonghan to fuck you any harder than he had in the past but you had been ridiculously wrong. With each thrust you were fighting screaming, the only thing keeping you any semblance of quiet being the fact that he hadn’t told you yet that you could swallow the cum you were still holding in your mouth.

Jeonghan was bouncing your entire body with his thrust, your bed creaking with each movement. After a while of literally pounding you his hand left your head, and he grabbed you by your forearms. You were lifted off of the bed, your back arched as Jeonghan fucked himself even deeper inside of you.

“I want to hear you,” he snapped gruffly. You didn’t have to be told more than once. You opened your mouth, both loud moans and cum coming out of it as you did so. You ignored as the cum and spit soaked your chin, dripping down your body and onto the bed.

Jeonghan didn’t pay much mind to it at all either. In fact, his hands quickly switched their position so that he was holding you up by your throat.

His hands were cutting off your air circulation just enough that it was making pleasure swirl even more aggressively in your head.

Without any warning at all, you suddenly felt Jeonghan begin to come deep inside of you, his hips stuttering a little as he began to unload himself in you.

“Fuck, thank you Jeonghan. Thank you,” you cried out, earning yourself a slap.

“Shut up,” Jeonghan mumbled, but you could hear the smile in his voice as he said it.

You felt your own orgasm starting to come up but you desperately fought against it, recognizing that Jeonghan had not told you that you could cum yet.

Jeonghan didn’t stop fucking you even after he had finished coming inside of you. Instead, he briefly pulled out of you to flip you onto your back, and pushed right back into you. His cock somehow already hard again as he began to drill into you from there.

“Do you want to cum?” He asked you. You pressed your lips together and nodded eagerly. He hummed, his thumb running over your cum and spit-soaked chin. “Do you think you’ve earned it?”

Your body was burning, and him talking to you like this wasn’t making it any easier to hold off your orgasm, but regardless you had to be honest.

“No,” you admitted. “But I’ve been better than others haven’t I? I always take your cock just the way you want it, and I’m so good at taking your cum.”

Jeonghan nodded, his eyes flickering down to your lips.

“You like being my little cum dumpster? You like it when I fuck my cum deep inside of you?”

“Yes Jeonghan, fuck yes. I need it, I need your cum so badly,” you agreed, your tone getting lighter, more desperate. “I need you so badly Jeonghan, all the time. I want you to use me more.”

“Yeah? You like this way too much for the average person,” he chided. His fingers pinched at the corners of your mouth, forcing your jaw open. He spit in your mouth and then let go. You swallowed it without a second thought.

“Thank you,” you blurted out. Jeonghan’s head fell to the side.

“For what?” He asked, but as he did he lowered his hands to your waist, forcing himself into you faster.

“For everything,” you cried out. “For fucking me, for coming in me, for coming on me. For all of it. For your spit. Thank you.”

Jeonghan’s hips stuttered against you.

“Fuck, y/n,” he said, sounding absolutely wrecked. Suddenly he wrapped one of his arms around you, lifting you off the bed a bit so that he could bury his face in your neck while he fucked you. You felt him bite down on your neck, sucking a hickey into it just as his other hand pressed down on your clit.

“You can come you little slut. Come on my cock like a good girl.”

You didn’t have to be told more. You felt tears of relief began to roll down your cheeks as you finally let yourself come, your thighs shaking as Jeonghan came right after you. His thrusts not stopping until you felt so full that you thought you might explode.

Jeonghan held you in that position for a little while, his cock buried deep inside you as he busied himself marking up your neck again, but after a few minutes he flipped you both over, sliding his cock out of you.

Your chest heaved against Jeonghan’s and you buried your face in his chest in pure exhaustion. You heard him sigh, his fingers making their way into your hair. He combed through it gently.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, his voice so quiet you almost couldn’t hear him. You looked up at him, confusion riddled over your clearly messy and red face. A flicker of a smile crossed Jeonghan’s lips at his handiwork, but it was replaced quickly by a solemn look that matched his apology.

“For what?” You asked. “You heard me thank you for everything earlier.”

You laughed softly and pressed your head back against his hand.

“You know I like it just as much as you do.”

“It’s not that,” Jeonghan replied. He looked troubled, and serious. “I’m sorry for taking my anger out on you... I shouldn’t do that. I won’t make a habit of it.”

“I don’t personally mind,” you commented with a shrug. “Take your anger out on me all you want if it makes you feel better.”

Jeonghan was still staring at you.

“Did it make you feel better?”

Jeonghan sighed, finally his eyes flickering away from you.

“I think it made it worse.”

You wanted to scream at Jeonghan. Mostly for being confusing. You were thinking of how to bring up the fact you knew he was lying about sleeping with other girls but every communication technique that you could use just fell flat in your mind. Start, stop, continue... NVC?

I feel confused because you told me you were sleeping with other people when you weren’t and I would like to talk to you about why you felt like you had to do that.

Not only were you not sure if that was formed right, but it would also be stupid to bring up in any normal context.

… Stupid Micah Salaberrios...

So instead of using your engrained knowledge of healthy proper communication you fell back on the easier option.

“You’ve never been in my place before. Do you like it?”

Jeonghan hummed and pulled away from you, sitting up. You whined as you fell into your comforter which made Jeonghan laugh. His fingers tightened in your hair again and he dragged you up with him.

“Dick...” You mumbled. Jeonghan snorted and you propped yourself up in your bed.

“You certainly have a lot of posters of men on your walls,” he observed, gesturing to the kpop posters you had scattered across your room. It just amused you.

“Jealous?”

“Hardly. I doubt you would be groveling on your knees for them, begging to be hit and used like a pretty little fuck toy.”

Your face reddened a bit.

“You would be surprised. I don’t know if I would be able to choose if my choices lied between you and Taeyoung.”

Jeonghan clearly didn’t like where the conversation was going as he gave you a stern look.

“You really want me to put you in your place all over again? Remind you what your only real use is?” He demanded.

You swallowed, surprised (and disappointed) by his lack of physical touch to match the threat. You kind of did want him to put you in your place all over again.

“No,” you mumbled. It was small. You clearly wanted more but Jeonghan played dumb. He patted your head.

“Where’s your shower?”

There he was again. That gentle Jeonghan that came after being railed and treated like you were nothing at all.

“Down the hall. On the left.”

Jeonghan stood up, stretch as soon as he was out of your bed and then scooped down to pick you up. You yelped in surprise but were in zero shape to fight back.

“I don’t always have to shower right after we fuck,” you whined, wrapping your arms around his neck. You couldn’t help an intrusive thought from escaping as well: “Why do you care so much about after care anyways?”

Jeonghan scoffed, and it vibrated through his body.

“What kind of emotional damage would I be leaving on you if I called you worthless and hit you and then just… left?”

You shrugged.

“What does it matter?” You asked. “I’m just a fuck toy.”

Jeonghan paused at the statement, his face scrunching in concentration for a moment. He looked like he really wanted to address your words but for some reason couldn’t figure out a way to. You didn’t understand why those choice words were bothering him. Even if he wasn’t sleeping with other people, they were objectively true.

“You’re not just a fuck toy,” Jeonghan finally said. “You are my fuck toy, but that’s not all you are.”

You opened your mouth to negate Jeonghan’s statement but before you could he was talking again.

“I’m going to start your shower.”

If his purpose was to derail the conversation by causing you additional frustration he had done the perfect job. You groaned, successfully rolling out of Jeonghan’s arms and back on your bed. You buried your face in your bed sheets. He didn’t seem put off by your show.

“I’ll shower first but you have to shower too,” he stated. “I don’t know why you are such a brat about showers. You’re so obedient for me otherwise.”

You waited for him to say more but when he didn’t you sat up and found that he wasn’t there anymore. You sighed. How unproductive.

Your mind turned to Jeonghan in the shower, and you realized that you didn’t actually have anything for him to wear. You knew that your clothes wouldn’t fit him so you raced to come up with anything else and then remembered that you had some clothes that one of your old flings had left once before.

You got out of bed and walked over to your closet, getting on top of a chair so that you could grab them from the top corner.

You gave them a test sniff, and found that they just smelled like your laundry detergent.

Along with those, you walked over to the hallway closet grabbing a fresh towel.

True to his word Jeonghan was still in the shower when you pushed into the bathroom.

“I brought you a towel,” you mumbled. “And some clothes.”

Jeonghan peeked around the shower curtain, frowning.

“I don’t think I’ll fit into your clothes love,” he stated. Your heart fluttered at his words. Love.

“They’re men’s clothes,” you replied. “I think they’ll fit you. You’re about the same height as…” Suddenly your thoughts turned to the other day at the library. Your lips pressed together. “Uh-”

At first Jeonghan just looked confused, but that confusion faded into understanding when he realized what you had been about to say. His head tilted and his expression became harder.

“About the same height as who?” He pressed. You kept your lips pressed together, unwilling to say a word. You just shook your head. He pushed aside the shower curtain and took the clothes from your hands tossing them on the floor.

Before you had come in here you had put a shirt on so that you weren’t walking around completely naked, but Jeonghan wrapped his arm around you, dipping under the shirt and coming down hard on your ass. You yelped and he pulled you close to him, the water from the shower coming off of him and onto your shirt.

“Whose clothes are on the floor of your bathroom y/n?” Jeonghan asked you. Your lips pressed together and again just shook your head. He slapped your ass again: “It’s not like you to be bad. You must be really scared.”

There was a hint of amusement in his voice. You cleared your throat.

“They’re just a friends-” Jeonghan hit your ass again. “Okay, it was a flings’. But it’s been months since I’ve even talked to him.”

Jeonghan’s eyebrow rose slightly.

“Then why are you so nervous?” He mumbled. Your eyes flickered to his.

“You have a bit of a jealous streak.”

Jeonghan laughed and looked like he wanted to negate what you said but before he could you flicked your head in the direction of the discarded clothes. He pressed his lips together.

“Okay… Maybe you have a point,” he relinquished. He looked back at you and shrugged. “Thanks for the clothes. Your turn.”

When you got out of the shower, you found Jeonghan in your kitchen in the clothes you had left for him. He looked annoyed and you didn’t have to look at him long to figure out why. He looked at you.

“Why do you even still have these?” He asked you. He pulled at the collar of his shirt in aggravation.

“I thought maybe Yujun would want them back.”

Jeonghan scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Does it still smell like him?” He asked. “Don’t men’s clothes smell like them for a really long time?”

“Jeonghan don’t be stupid-”

“You can keep the clothes I wore over here,” he interrupted you. He gestured to what he was currently wearing. “I’m burning this.”

You rolled your eyes, but honestly, you thought it was a little cute. Even if this just made you even more confused on what Jeonghan saw you as. You wandered over to the kitchen island, taking a seat at one of the chairs. You rested your head on your hand.

“What are you doing in my kitchen anyways?” You asked. Jeonghan hummed.

“I thought it was about time you tried my cooking.”

Your eyebrows rose in surprise.

“What?” You asked. Jeonghan walked over to your pantry, pulling out a box of pasta. He looked at the box.

“I love pasta,” he mumbled, but it seemed like it was mostly to himself. He set the box on the counter and then looked in your fridge. He paused for a second as he looked at the contents. He then reached in and grabbed out a few things. Spinach, heavy cream, milk, cheese. You were surprised you had so many fresh ingredients.

He closed the fridge door behind him. You frowned slightly.

“Have you ever made pasta before?” You asked, your mind flickering to the fact that Jeonghan had evaded answering if he was a good cook or not. You thought that if someone were good as cooking they would brag about it. Like Mingyu did everytime you were over.

“I’ve seen Mingyu make pasta before,” Jeonghan replied, focused on getting out the things he needed for the dish. “How hard can it be?”

You had never seen anyone mess up anything as bad as Jeonghan messed up cooking pasta. You watched as he didn’t stir the pasta as it boiled, he burned the milk by turning the heat up too high, and on top of all that he set one of your kitchen towels on fire.

To be completely fair, you were pretty sure that the Alpha Mu house had electric stoves, not gas ones but regardless, it wasn’t what you had expected at all when he first started measuring out the ingredients to make the pasta sauce.

“When you said that I would find out if you were good at cooking or not-”

Jeonghan shut you up by lightly putting his hand in your face and pushing you to the side. You stumbled a little and shot him a glare.

“Hey! You about burned my apartment down!” You protested. Jeonghan had taken a seat at your kitchen island while you started to clean up after him. He had the audacity to be sitting there with a sad look on his face. As if something you had done was the reason that he couldn’t eat.

“I just wanted pasta,” he replied, his head rested on his arms that were on the counter.

“If you were that bad at cooking why didn’t you just ask me to make you something?” You demanded. Jeonghan still held that pathetic look on his face, as if he was a child being scolded.

“Do you know how to make pasta?” He asked you. You huffed loudly out of your mouth.

“You’re so weird Jeonghan,” you mumbled. “Of course, I know how to make pasta. All you have to do is boil some water and heat some milk and heavy whipping cream.”

You put the lid on your pot as you dumped the water out of the overcooked pasta.

“It’s not really aftercare if you do the cooking,” Jeonghan continued, that whine still in his voice. You rolled your eyes.

“That’s not true. Maybe it’s aftercare from me to you,” you replied. “You make me shower. I’ll cook you food.”

Jeonghan was silent for so long that it worried you. You dumped the pasta out into your trash can and then looked up at him. He was watching you closely, the pout that had been on his face was gone now. When he realized that you were looking at him, he let his eyes flutter closed.

“Okay, cook for me then,” he said. There was something weird in his voice, your eyebrows furrowed as you tried to figure out what it was. You stood there for only a few seconds before you gave up.

How could you expect yourself to understand the tone of his voice when you didn’t even understand why he had lied to you about sleeping with other girls?

You turned your attention back to the stove, cleaning the pots as you needed them. The silence between you and Jeonghan was weird, so you found yourself glancing back at him a lot to see if he was asleep or not. Each time you looked back at him you found his eyes were fluttering shut.

It was like he was a child. He was quite literally pretending to be asleep when in reality he was watching you cook.

You couldn’t help but feel a little irritated.

“What have you been doing the last few days anyways?” You mumbled as you mixed some cheese into the sauce you were making. “Or I guess the question is who have you been doing?”

It was a trap really. Was it fair for you to trap a boy in a lie who didn’t even know you knew he was lying?

“I thought you didn’t get jealous unless it was Chaedom?” Jeonghan asked. You rolled your eyes and looked back at him. Again, his eyes fluttered shut as if he hadn’t been watching you at all.

“I’m not jealous,” you replied, but the bite in your voice said otherwise. “I’m just wondering that’s all.”

“I don’t need to tell you about that kind of stuff,” Jeonghan responded. “Why do you even care?”

You couldn’t answer that.

“I don’t,” you replied. “It’s just interesting to be fucking around with someone who is so openly fucking other people.”

You heard Jeonghan moving, but you kept your focus on the stove. You sort of expected him to have left the room but then all of a sudden his arms wrapped around your chest and Jeonghan buried his face into the back of your neck. You made a small noise in protest to the sudden affection.

“I’m tired,” Jeonghan complained. “You’re taking too long to cook.”

You wanted to be annoyed but having Jeonghan at such a close proximity made your heart flutter. Against your better judgement you let your head loll back against his a little.

“Cooking takes time,” you mumbled back. Jeonghan made a soft noise of complaint, but he didn’t say more.

God, you really didn’t get Jeonghan sometimes and it was almost as if the more you got to know him the more confusing he got. The way that he was holding you it was almost as if...

God, you didn’t want to think those things. You couldn’t stand to be any more delusional than you already were being.

Why was Jeonghan lying to you? It had to be a manipulation tactic. Maybe he was just bored. Maybe he had tired of fucking other people but he wanted to keep you at a distance.

Or maybe he just thrived on your confusion. Maybe he just wanted to see how far you would let him go with things. Maybe he wanted to hurt you, and this was the way he was going about it.

“Your thoughts are loud.”

Your eyes widened at Jeonghan’s words.

“Huh? What thoughts?” You asked. Jeonghan shifted his body.

“You’re overthinking us again, aren’t you?” He replied.

“I’m not-” You huffed out in aggravation. “What is there to overthink?”

Jeonghan turned so that his face was in yours.

“It’s natural to want to be close to someone in a relationship like ours,” Jeonghan said.

You stared at Jeonghan, a little lost for words with how close he was to you.

“A relationship like ours...?”

“We’re practically in a dom/sub relationship,” Jeonghan defined. “Just without a contract.”

Luckily the addition at the end seemed to remind yourself that this was Jeonghan you were talking to. He probably categorized dreams that he had about being in a real relationship with someone as a nightmare. You were being delusional getting stuck on things like him being clingy after sex and referring to you two as having a relationship.

He was right after all. You two did have a relationship. It just wasn’t a romantic one.

“What? Like in 50 Shades of Grey?” You asked, rolling your eyes. You batted Jeonghan away from you and took the pot off the stove to drain the noodles.

“I’m just saying, it’s not weird that I would want to hold you while you’re cooking. Or that you would want me close when we’re sleeping,” Jeonghan continued. You tried to come off as indifferent towards the conversation, honestly feeling a bit annoyed that he had been so easily able to tell that your mind was racing. “It’s better if I give you reassurance afterwards, whether it be physical or just emotional.”

Still ignoring Jeonghan you poured the pasta into your finished sauce, tossing the noodles around in it.

“And what about you?” You pondered, turning to look at Jeonghan. He was now leaning against your counter, just looking at you. “Don’t you need reassurance?”

“I am always getting reassurance from you,” Jeonghan replied bluntly. “Your confirmation that you know our safe word, the way that you let me tell you to do things even outside of the bedroom, even when you’re being a brat about after care-”

You looked away from him with an annoyed grunt as you went to get some bowls out of the pantry. You opened up a cabinet and got on your tip toes a little bit so that you could grab the bowls. Jeonghan stopped you, putting a hand over yours. You felt like you had to look at him.

“Your trust is reassurance to me. You have every chance to tell me no. You have every chance to tell me something is too much. You don’t have to put up with anything I do if you don’t want to,” Jeonghan said. He grabbed down two bowls, holding them out for you. “That’s my reassurance. It’s in your words and actions. You need the same reassurance from me.”

You pressed your lips together and took the bowls from Jeonghan. You looked away from him and started to scoop the pasta into the bowls. You cleared your throat, trying to shake the heavy feeling off of your shoulders.

“Why are you talking to me as if I’m not a Psych major?” You asked. “I understand the importance of reassurance.”

You turned around and pointed for Jeonghan to sit down. He did as he was told and you set the bowl of pasta in front of him, giving him a fork and a glass of water before sitting down next to him.

“Then why are you acting like it’s weird when I take steps to make sure you are reassured?” Jeonghan asked. Your eyes fluttered down to your food.

“We’re just fuck buddies Jeonghan,” you replied as if it was obvious. You risked a glance at him and immediately regretted it. Even though he had said early he was hungry, even though he had complained about being tired the only thing he was focused on was you. “I’ve had boyfriends who were less affectionate than you are.”

Jeonghan’s jaw tightened a little at your words.

“What do you mean by that?” He asked. You couldn’t keep looking at him, so you looked back at your food, poking at it as you waited for it to cool down.

“It’s just all this aftercare… I’m just not used to it.”

“How could you not be used to aftercare?” Jeonghan practically repeated the same question as before.

“My other partners never gave me aftercare,” you replied. “They would just… Fall asleep, or kick me out, or leave themselves. We didn’t do legos, or breakfast. They definitely didn’t start showers for me.”

Jeonghan was quiet, and honestly? His silence made you feel like your confession was worse than it was.

“It’s not like I need the reassurance. It’s kind of like you said. I find reassurance in other ways.”

“No,” Jeonghan said, his voice sharp. “I find reassurance directly in what you say and do. What you’re describing is the same as if I never even told you how good you are for me.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Jeonghan you assure me that I’m good even in the middle of sex.”

“Yeah, I do,” he agreed. “But did they?”

Your lips pressed together firmly.

“I thought you didn’t like me talking about other men,” you finally said. Jeonghan pressed his hands on either sides of your chair and turned you so that you were facing him. He then raised a hand to your face, forcing you to make eye contact with him.

“Y/n, you can’t be so nonchalant about these things,” he said, his voice hushed. “You’re smart, you know better than I do the effect that this kind of relationship could have on you if I didn’t force aftercare down your throat. I know it’s uncomfortable and it’s weird since we aren’t dating and you aren’t used to this but you do need it. You know you need it. I need you to admit that you need it.”

You didn’t want to admit that you needed aftercare. You didn’t want to admit that you needed Jeonghan’s reassurance. This was only more confusing knowing what you knew about Jeonghan. How could he be lying to you about sleeping with other people and in the same breath tell you that he knew how important it was to reassure you that you were good?

Again, his actions just didn’t make sense. If this was a manipulation technique it was a fucking weird one.

But then again, Jeonghan didn’t look like he was manipulating you. Getting to know him you couldn’t really see him as some sort of monster who was just trying to hurt you. Why would someone who was just aiming to see you cry put so much effort into making sure you understood that you were cared for?

It was moments like these where the delusions were so easy to believe. He knew you so well, and he clearly cared so much about you. You could tell in the way that he wasn’t just looking at you. His eyes were darting all over your face like he was reading every single part of you to completely understand you. Maybe Jeonghan not sleeping with other people was actually for you.

Maybe he cared about you so much that he just couldn’t imagine actually sleeping with other people.

But then again, these thoughts were all just that- Delusions.

“I…” You really hated that Jeonghan was right. “I do need it.”

A smile flickered across Jeonghan’s face.

“And there’s my reassurance,” he said softly. His fingers loosened their grip on you, and he raised a hand to your head. He patted you. “Now eat.”

You opened your mouth to say more, but it seemed like Jeonghan was done with the topic. He turned to the pasta and took a scoop of it. As soon as he put it in his mouth, he let out a pleasant hum.

“This is really good,” he commented. That seemed to kick you back into the moment. You turned yourself back towards your food and began to eat as well.

“Of course, it’s good,” you mumbled. “I made it.”

“I should come over more.”

The comment was probably meant to be off handed, but it only took you more by surprise.

“But you should cook before we have sex so that we can just go to sleep right after.”

He glanced at you.

“You don’t seem like your mind is being all that quiet today.”

Of course, your mind wasn’t being quiet. God, you wanted to scream at him. He was lying to you. Lying to you about something stupid. Lying to you about something that no one in their right minds would ever lie about.

And no matter how hard you thought about it, no matter how much you searched for a logical reason you couldn’t find one. It didn’t make sense that Jeonghan would lie to you and say he was sleeping with other people in any way at all.

You tried not to let it show too much how bothered you were, and instead just let his comment sit in the air. You noticed he finished eating a while before you did, but he waited as if he wasn’t done until you had finished yourself. Then- Despite your many protests- He got up and started to clean the dishes.

“Go to sleep y/n,” he said. “You need to rest.”

You did feel tired. Physically, and emotionally. But regardless, you were annoyed at Jeonghan.

“I never do dishes at your place,” you complained. He laughed airily.

“And you also never pull me by the hair and tell me I’m only good at being fucked,” Jeonghan replied. “Our roles aren’t so easily reversed.”

You defiantly stayed where you were, watching Jeonghan clean the dishes.

“And what are you going to do then?” You asked him. He glanced back at you. “Are you going to go home?”

“What do you want me to do?” Jeonghan asked. Your heart skipped a beat but before your mind could complicate the feeling you remembered what Jeonghan had said. It was natural to want a kind of intimacy with Jeonghan within the relationship you two had. You needed reassurance.

You didn’t respond. You just silently screamed at him.

Stay.

Jeonghan hummed, and his eyes flitted back to the dishes.

“I’ll come join you in a minute then.”

You blinked.

“I didn’t say that I wanted you to stay,” you said. Another laugh from Jeonghan.

“Okay, then I’ll leave.”

“No-” Your response came a little faster than you thought a fuck buddies should. “No, I do want you to stay.”

Jeonghan hummed and didn’t respond so after a few moments you sighed.

Why were you trying to pick fights with him right now? You were tired. You should just let things be for the time being. You quietly left the room, putting on some pajamas and climbing into your bed. You laid there for a few minutes, but it felt weird to be in your bed instead of Jeonghan’s after just being railed.

You wondered if your mind was racing so much because you were used to your relationship with Jeonghan being in a finite place.

You worried for a little while that Jeonghan wasn’t actually going to join you, but just as those thoughts appeared in your head, Jeonghan walked into your room. He closed the door shut behind himself and then climbed under the sheets.

Your bed was a queen size, versus his king, so it was a bit smaller than you were used to sharing with him. You tried to lay there and pretend like you were asleep.

A few minutes passed. Had it always been so cold in your room?

“Jeonghan?” You managed to say. Jeonghan hummed a response. “Can you hold me?”

Jeonghan shifted beside you and suddenly his arms were around you. He pulled you up against his chest, putting his face in his favorite spot- On your neck.

“See that? My reassurance,” Jeonghan mumbled. “You’ve been good today.”

You put aside all worries about Jeonghan’s intentions towards you. You did really like the assurance.

“So, how has it gone in paradise?” Yeongtae asked. You groaned, loudly, unafraid to express to Yeongtae that he was treading in territory you didn’t want him in.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you grumbled. He laughed.

“I’m rooting for you two!” He insisted. “And, admittedly, I’m curious to see how things will play out. Last episode was kind of a cliffhanger.”

“My sex life isn’t a tv show,” you replied. Then after a few minutes. “Besides, I’m also in the dark right now.”

Yeongtae’s eyes widened.

“You haven’t asked him yet?” He blurted.

“No,” you mumbled. “But that’s not a big deal, I mean what’s it even matter that he’s lying to me about sleeping with other people? He’s not. That’s a good thing.”

You tried to come off as nonchalant, but your mind was racing. You wondered what Yeongtae was going to say in response. You weren’t sure if you wanted him to reassure you that it wasn’t as big of a deal as you were making it out to be in your head or if you wanted him to reassure you that you weren’t crazy for obsessing over it so much the last few days.

“He’s still lying,” Yeongtae mumbled back. “What’s the harm in confronting him over it? I’m sure he has answers.”

You frowned, still a little put off by the whole situation. You didn’t want to have to bring it up to Jeonghan yourself. You didn’t really want him to know you knew.

It crossed your mind briefly that maybe one of the boys had told Jeonghan that you had asked them but quickly dismissed it. You were pretty sure that they all liked you a lot, and building off of that you were pretty sure that if Jeonghan did know, he would have brought it up by now.

… Maybe.

“You are way too stressed out over this situation,” Yeongtae said with a sigh and a shake of his head. “You should come to a party with me tonight.”

You scoffed at the invitation.

“Right.”

“No, I’m serious!” Yeongtae insisted. “You never have fun and let loose! We’ll bring Jeongyeon and Jimin and Jun and you can drink for once.”

“There is nothing healthy about going to a party to drink away your problems,” you replied. “It would just be further-”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Yeongtae interrupted. He took a step in front of you, forcing you to stop walking. “Come on! Forget your psych degree. Who cares if it’s unhealthy? It’s just one night. You’ll just stop thinking about him for one night. Nothing wrong with that.”

You had never hung out with Jimin and Jeongyeon voluntarily. That being said, your whole group was weird. To be going to a party that wasn’t an Alpha Mu party, to hang out with Jun, Jimin, Jeongyeon, and Yeongtae?

Well, you had never imagined that there would be a day.

As soon as you got to the party, Yeongtae had peeled away, only to come back a few minutes later with a bunch of drinks in red solo cups in hand. He passed the cups out to everyone, smiling brightly.

“Is everyone ready to have an amazing night?” He asked excitedly.

One of the reasons that you had actually agreed to come out tonight was because of Yeongtae. Namely, because it had occurred to you recently that Yeongtae hadn’t been lying to you when you first met. You were pretty sure that you actually were his only friend in school.

He never talked about meeting with other people, and if he did answer a phone call or anything it was from a friend that was out of town. You felt a bit bad for him, considering all you two spent your time doing was studying.

You looked down at the cup full of amber liquid, squinting at it unsurely. You cleared your throat.

God, it had been such a long time since you had actually gone drinking. You didn’t tend to find solace in getting drunk as normally you were practically babysitting your friends.

“Y/n, don’t worry so much about it.”

You looked up to find that Jun was watching you closely. He gave you a smile.

“I’ll watch out for you,” he assured you. “So don’t worry, nothing bad will happen.”

You gave him a small smile and nodded.

“Okay, thanks.”

You knew you didn’t have to drink if you didn’t want to. Not really.

You tipped the drink into your mouth.

You supposed that you wanted to.

The thing about getting drunk for you was mostly just that you were constantly dizzy. You weren’t necessarily clumsier than usually but the whole world constantly felt like it was spinning. You kept your grip tight on Yeongtae’s forearm as he started to talk to a girl. You laughed as you watched the two interact, glad to see that Yeongtae was actually enjoying someone’s company.

“How long have you and your girlfriend been dating?” The girl asked, her eyes shooting to you. It was a look that you had only seen in this eyes of other girls who wanted to be with Jeonghan. You laughed.

“What? We’re not dating,” you said. You let go of Yeongtae’s forearm and craned your neck, pointing to where you thought some of your fading hickeys might be. “I belong to someone else.”

“Yoon Jeonghan,” Yeongtae filled in. The girl seemed a bit surprised at the mention of Jeonghan but regardless a smile flickered across her face.

“So you won’t mind if I take Yeongtae away?”

Your mouth dropped open in excitement and surprise.

“Oh, be my guest!” Your eyes flitted towards Yeongtae. “I won’t be answering any phone calls though.”

Yeongtae laughed as the girl latched herself onto Yeongtae.

“And here I was hoping to finally get my revenge.”

The girl dragged Yeongtae away through the crowd and you found yourself alone. You wondered where to go next but you vaguely remembered Jimin and Jeongyeon sneaking off to a closet a little while earlier. They were no help.

You thought maybe you would try and go find Jun.

You took a few steps but before you could get far you bumped into someone. You went to apologize but stopped dead in your tracks. Your eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“Yunjun?”

The tall boy looked to be just as surprised as you were. You thought for a moment that maybe you had the wrong guy, but Yunjun was definitely standing there. Your eyes flickered to his hair. It was long and blonde. You’d never seen it like that before.

“Y/n,” Yunjun replied. His eyes flickered up and down your body, making you feel a bit self-conscious. You weren’t dressed in a lot as per Jeongyeon’s request. You two were wearing matching skirts and crop tops. “You look really good.”

Your lips flickered into a smile.

“Uh, thanks.”

You couldn’t help the way that your mind turned when you were with him. Just being near him reminded you of your time with him. Of all your flings he had probably been the worst one that you were with in terms of reassurance and aftercare. And going on that he had been one of your most intense flings.

Whereas Jeonghan was rough with you in actions and words he still slipped in praise here and there. Yunjun had never done that. It was why you had stopped seeing him. He made you feel small.

“What have you been up to recently?” Yunjun asked. He seemed to think over a few things. “Don’t you still have some of my clothes?”

Your mind flickered back to Jeonghan.

“Uh, something happened to them. I don’t have them anymore.”

Yunjun seemed confused by that statement, but he didn’t dig.

“You know, it’s been a really long time since I had my hands on you,” Yunjun said softly. He stepped closer to you, his hand coming up to your face. He brushed a strand of hair to the side. “It would be fine to have a blast from the past.”

You laughed nervously. Yunjun was someone that you didn’t really feel comfortable around. You went to respond but before you could his eyes flickered to your neck. He frowned and tilted your head up.

“How did…?” “Oh, uh-” You batted Yunjun’s hand away from you. His frown deepened at that. “I actually am seeing someone right now.”

Yunjun’s eyes narrowed at you. You could tell he didn’t like that you had diminished his display of dominance over you.

You were a bit too drunk to handle this situation. If you were sober, you knew that you wouldn’t be so nervous around him. You also knew that you would be able to leave this conversation without a stray thought.

“Who?” Yunjun asked. Now it was your turn to frown.

“It doesn’t matter,” you responded.

“Sure, it does. I just need to know if I should really worry about using someone else’s toy.”

You pressed your lips together. You hated being objectified when it was like this. This wasn’t a turn on. This was a situation you wanted out of.

“You should worry about it because I’m not a toy you’re going to get to use today,” you replied. “Or tomorrow or-”

Yunjun interrupted you with a laugh.

“It’s not like you to get drunk y/n,” he said. “The alcohol is making you forget how much fun we used to have.”

He tilted his head a bit, his eyes still on the hickey’s on your neck.

“You never let me leave hickeys on you.”

“He’s more possessive than you,” you replied pointedly. “I’m done with this conversation. Even if I wasn’t with someone, I’m not interested in sleeping with you again.”

You turned away from Yunjun, your thoughts returning to getting back to Jun but just as you turned around Yunjun’s tight gripe was on your wrist.

“That’s not your safe word,” he warned. Your eyebrows furrowed as you searched your mind to try and remember what your safe word with Yunjun had been, but in your drunk haze all you could remember was your safe word with Jeonghan. You opened your mouth to reassert that you weren’t going to sleep with Yunjun and that you didn’t remember your safe word (not that it should matter) but before you could someone came to a stop in front of you.

Your eyes furrowed and you raised your gaze to meet the persons eyes.

Everything was blurry but you could still make out that it was Jeonghan standing in front of you.

His face was a dark red and after glance at his hands you saw that his fists were clenched. You looked back up at his eyes.

“Jeonghan.”

His eyes flickered away from yours and he looked over your head.

“Let go of her.”

Jeonghan’s voice was deeper than you had ever heard it before. Yunjun let go of you so suddenly that you couldn’t help but fall forward, your head bumping into Jeonghan’s chest.

He wrapped his arms around your body, and pulled you close to him, one hand going protectively over your head. You could feel that he was talking, his body was vibrating with each word, but you couldn’t figure out what he was saying.

You tried to move to look up at him or access the situation but Jeonghan’s grip on you was too tight. He was quite literally shielding you from the conversation. Part of you wanted to fight against it. You wanted to know what he was saying.

But another part of you was tired and felt undeniably felt safer wrapped in Jeonghan’s arms. For the first time in hours, it felt quiet.

Then, Jeonghan started to move. He kept you close to him, still trying to shield you as he started to lead you through the crowd. He stopped somewhere and this time you were able to look up. He was talking to Jun. He covered your ears again quickly.

Then he started to lead you out of the party again.

Once the two of you were out in the cool air, he loosened his grip on you, letting you pull away from his body. He didn’t completely let go of you. His hand slid down, his fingers intertwining with yours.

He was quiet, not saying anything. You could feel that he was upset. But you could also feel that it wasn’t at you.

“Do you know how hard it was to watch that?” Jeonghan asked after a few minutes. When he started speaking, he also started to walk again, dragging you along with him. “I didn’t want to intervene, I know you can handle yourself.”

You didn’t respond to him, so he continued.

“When he touched you? You so clearly didn’t want it and he ignored all of your signs.”

Another brief span of silence.

“Who was that?”

“Just an old fling,” you replied, your voice quiet. You were still so dizzy. “Yunjun.”

Jeonghan’s grip tightened on your hand.

“He’s lucky he’s not dead,” he replied. “He might not see the end of the week.”

“Don’t joke about that Jeonghan,” you said. His eyes fluttered back to you, and the look in his eyes made you realize that his next statement was true.

“I’m not joking.”

You looked to the street.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled.

Jeonghan stopped in his tracks, making you bump right into him. When you looked up, Jeonghan was looking at you with a terrifyingly serious expression on his face.

“Why?” He asked. You just stared at him. “Why are you sorry? Because you decided to have fun for once? Because you got drunk safely around friends? Because you let an old fling touch you even though you told him no?”

His words were hushed in a way that made it very clear to you he was fighting screaming.

“Don’t apologize for that,” he said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But you’re upset,” you replied softly. “I’m sorry for making you upset.”

“I’m overly possessive. This isn’t news,” he said. “Of course, I’m upset. Someone else was touching you.”

His eyes briefly flickered away from you, but his gaze was back fast.

“But that’s not your fault. I’m not upset at you,” he said. “And even if you had wanted the touches. Even if you had asked for that attention I still wouldn’t be upset at you. You can do whatever you want.”

You wanted to argue with him further on this. If he wasn’t mad at you then who was he mad at?

It was useless though.

“Do you want me to take you to your place?”

God, he was so frustrating.

“I don’t suppose you’re going to fuck me.”

You didn’t mean to be so blunt, but also you didn’t care. You kind of wanted the validation that came from having sex with Jeonghan. Even if he was confusing. Even if he was lying. You knew that he was serious when he called you good. You knew that he was being truthful when he said that he couldn’t get enough of you.

You liked that at a party with a hundred people you knew that if you were there Jeonghan would end up going home with you.

You wondered if he got jealous over other people he had slept with flirting with people. It didn’t make sense that he would only be jealous over you.

“You’re drunk,” was all Jeonghan said.

“You’d fuck me if I was sober,” you replied. Jeonghan ignored you, but you knew he was right.

“Can I…” You didn’t want to ask. This was stepping over some sort of boundary, right? You couldn’t stay the night at Jeonghan’s if you two weren’t going to have sex. You two were entering a weird territory.

But you were craving validation. Yunjun had left you so unsettled.

“Can I stay at yours?” Your voice was really quiet. “I know that we aren’t really in that sort of-”

“Of course, you can,” Jeonghan replied. “I’d never say no to something like that.”

You two walked for a few more paces in silence but suddenly nausea swept over you. You tugged at Jeonghan’s hand, trying to get him to let you go. Once he did, you felt yourself fall to the ground. You groaned and buried your face in your hands.

You didn’t walk another step.

“Let’s sleep here,” you murmured. “The ground is comfortable.”

You rolled over even further, your back hitting the concrete. You heard Jeonghan sigh, and he knelt down in front of you.

“You can’t sleep here,” he said. “We’re almost back.”

You groaned in protest, keeping your face buried. Jeonghan let you sit there for a few seconds.

“Do you want me to carry you?”

You peeked up at him.

“Carry me?”

He nodded and turned around, crouched with his back towards you. He glanced at you over his shoulder.

“Come on. Get on my back.”

You pressed your lips together. Wasn’t this a little intimate?

But then again, if it were a friend like Yeongtae or Jun you would get on their back without hesitation.

You did as Jeonghan wanted you to. Once you were secure on his back Jeonghan stood up and began to walk. You two were quiet, you were afraid to lay your head too close to Jeonghan but you were also still ridiculously tired. You let your head rest on his shoulders, your eyes fluttering shut.

“Jeonghan?”

He hummed.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

When you woke up you were in Jeonghan’s room. Your head hurt a little bit as you turned over to face Jeonghan’s side of the bed, but he wasn’t there. You pressed your lips together. Was this how he felt when he woke up and you weren’t next to him?

You glanced over and noticed a glass of water on the bedside table with a note. You reached over and began to drink the water as you read Jeonghan’s writing.

Call me when you wake up. Mingyu’s making you breakfast.

You weren’t in the same clothes as you had been the night before so Jeonghan must have changed you.

You tried to think back on the night, but you couldn’t remember anything after you fell asleep. Maybe you and Jeonghan had fucked last night? Further evidence that you meant very little to Jeonghan.

You sighed and pulled out your phone to call Jeonghan. You knew Jeonghan wouldn’t fuck you when you were drunk. As much of a player as he was, there were lines you knew he wouldn’t cross.

The phone only rang once.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Morning,” you mumbled.

“Sorry I wasn’t there to greet you. I had an exam to go to,” he said. “Are you drinking your water?”

You hummed your confirmation to his question.

“Are you feeling, okay?” There was an air of worry in his voice.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you replied. “I just don’t drink a lot is all.”

Jeonghan was quiet for a little while.

“It’s hard to figure out if you’re telling the truth or not over the phone,” he murmured. “Tonight Alpha Mu is throwing a party. If you’re feeling better, you should come.”

You thought over it.

“Maybe,” you replied. “Hey, why were you at the party last night?”

“Hm? Jun told me about it.”

Your eyebrows rose.

“What? Why?”

“He wanted to make sure you were watched well while you were drinking since you were nervous about it,” Jeonghan replied. “And he knew that I would kill him if something happened to you.”

“I can take of myself,” you murmured into the phone.

“I know,” Jeonghan agreed, and nothing in his words made you think that he was just saying it to make you feel better. “But isn’t it nice to have someone watching out for you?”

It was.

“I should get back to my place,” you said. “Maybe I’ll see you later.”

Suddenly a thought occurred to you.

“Hey if I don’t come to the party tonight, are you going to sleep with someone else?”

“Why’re you so interested in who I sleep with recently?” Jeonghan asked. “I thought you didn’t care.”

“I don’t,” you replied. “Just… Wondering. Do you use condoms with them?”

“I always use condoms,” Jeonghan replied as if it was obvious.

“But never with me,” you replied. He scoffed.

“Aren’t you the same person who was begging me for a creampie the first time with me?” He asked. You opened your mouth to argue with him, but then your mind flashed the memory of your first time with him.

“Goodbye, Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan laughed.

“Goodbye, y/n.”

You walked downstairs after getting changed, giving a drowsy smile to the boys in the kitchen. It was only Mingyu, Seungcheol, and Jun. You took a seat next to Jun, immediately getting a plate of eggs placed in front of you. You smiled at Mingyu.

“Thanks, I feel bad, you’re always feeding me.”

He waved away your concerns.

“It’s nice to feed someone other than the boys,” he assured.

“Are you feeling okay?” Jun asked you. He leaned close to you, peering into your eyes. “Jeonghan and I were watching you talk to that guy last night-”

“Yunjun,” you agreed with a nod. Seungcheol suddenly shifted on the other end of the table.

“Yunjun?” He asked. “How do you know Yunjun?”

You glanced across the table at him, your eyebrows furrowing.

“I had a fling with him,” you replied. Seungcheol’s face showed that he was troubled by your response. “How do you know Yunjun?”

“Mutual friends,” he replied. “Did he do anything to you?”

You could feel the gaze of all three boys on you.

“It’s just Yunjun,” you said with a laugh. “He’s harmless.”

“Jeonghan was pissed when he brought you in last night,” Mingyu explained. “We wouldn’t be concerned if it weren’t for just how angry he was.”

Your eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Angry?”

“He came downstairs after putting you up and sat for an hour building lego sets not saying a word. He didn’t really get anything done. That’s how you could tell he was mad. Then he went back upstairs to be with you,” Seungcheol explained.

“Nothing really happened,” you disregarded. “Jeonghan just gets jealous.”

The boys were silent for a few seconds. They clearly disagreed with something you had said. You weren’t sure what.

“Are you coming to the party tonight?” Jun finally asked. You shrugged.

“Maybe. I don’t know yet,” you said honestly. “My head hurts from the party.”

Seungcheol wordlessly got up and rummaged through a drawer for a moment before setting a bottle of ibproufen in front of you. You laughed dryly, shaking your head.

“You are a strange group of guys,” you said honestly. “You baby me just as much as Jeonghan does.”

The boys ignored your statement, and brought up something else. Luckily, giving you the chance to eat your eggs in peace.

Despite the weird air the boys gave off initially, being around them made you sure of one thing. Maybe another party was just what you needed. After all, last night your stress had momentarily been gone. What was the worst that could happen?

When you got to the Alpha Mu party your first thought was that you shouldn’t have come. Your head still hurt a little bit from drinking the night before. But, you wanted to see Jeonghan so you had wanted to come to the party either way.

You were sure that you could convince him to spend some time in his room if you found him soon anyways. You walked through the party but didn’t make it far before someone stopped you.

“Hey it’s y/n, right?”

Your eyebrows furrowed as you made out the boy standing in front of you. He was only slightly taller than you, his black hair in a bowl cut with wide eyes.

“Yeah…” You replied uncertainly. “Who are you?”

“Oh, right, you wouldn’t know me,” he replied with a hearty laugh. He held out his hand. “Hyeon.”

You dipped your head a little in greeting.

“Nice to meet you.”

It wasn’t though. He was giving off a strange air.

“I heard you had a run in with Yunjun last night,” Hyeon said. “I’m his friend. We met a little while after you stopped seeing him.”

Your eyebrows furrowed.

“Oh.” “And I heard that you like it rough in bed yeah? You like to be owned?”

The way he was speaking was making you a bit angry. The difference between today and last night being now that you weren’t drunk you had clarity over the situation. Hyeon was being a sexist asshole and it was making you angry.

However, before you could respond Jeonghan came up behind you, placing his hand on your shoulder. His grip was tight as he came to a stop beside you. You glanced over at him, noticing a really hard expression on his face.

“Oh, Jeonghan. I heard that you’re the man in the know,” Hyeon said, an even bigger smile crossing his lips. “Is it true that y/n is a pathetic slut in bed?”

Your eyes widened slightly.

“How did you hear about that?” You asked, but you supposed it was from Yunjun if they really were friends.

“Was I talking to you?” Hyeon asked roughly, his eyebrows furrowing. You blinked at the aggressive tone.

“Hey-” Jeonghan started, but before he could get more out you interrupted him by placing your hand on his chest and stepping closer to Hyeon.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say to me?” You asked, your voice getting deeper and your words getting curter. Hyeon leaned closer, his eyes narrowing.

“I said I wasn’t talking to you,” Hyeon repeated. “Don’t you know better than to talk without permission?”

Hyeon shot you a cocky expression on his face.

“I guess you forgot Yunjun’s training,” he said. His gaze darted over your shoulder. “And Jeonghan hasn’t done well reminding you of your place.”

Your fist collided with Hyeon’s face before you could think about it further. Hyeon stumbled back, in surprise, you figured, not pain, and readjusted his jaw.

“What the-”

“Don’t talk about me like that. Not in front of me, not when I’m not around, not ever,” you snapped. “Just because I like it when Jeonghan treats me like that doesn’t mean I want to be treated like that by everyone. Especially not an ugly piece of shit like you.”

Hyeon squared his shoulders,

“Sorry Jeonghan I’m going to have to beat some sense into your little side piece-” Hyeon started to approach you again, raising his fist as he approached. You immediately regretted speaking. Your eyes widened and you raised your hands in front of your face, but impact never came.

“Hyeon, you seemed to not have heard what y/n just said.”

You looked up at Jeonghan to find that he had Hyeon’s fist in his hand and he was completely blocking Hyeon’s access to you with his body. You straightened back up, glancing around Jeonghan cautiously. Unlike earlier with you Hyeon actually looked a little scared looking up at Jeonghan who quite literally towered over him.

“J-Jeonghan, I was just joking-”

“Apologize,” Jeonghan said.

“Wh-what?”

“Apologize right now.”

Jeonghan let go of Hyeon’s fist, making him stumble a bit. He took one more glance at Jeonghan’s face and then immediately looked at you.

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it.”

Jeonghan grabbed Hyeon’s arm and tilted it behind Hyeon’s back in a way that made him cry out.

“Not good enough,” Jeonghan said sharply.

You thought that this Jeonghan should seem familiar to you. After all, it should on paper be the same Jeonghan that you saw in the bedroom. Rough and stern and not going to leave without getting what he wanted.

But he was different somehow with Hyeon. For once, you were a little scared about what he was going to do.

“I’m sorry, I really am.”

Jeonghan scoffed and knocked Hyeon down to his knees. Once Hyeon was down there, Jeonghan pulled his head up by the roots of his hair.

“Why don’t you beg y/n for forgiveness?”

Hyeon pressed his lips together, clearly hesitating to do so but despite his hesitation: “Please forgive me.”

Jeonghan looked over at you, an amused expression spreading over his face.

“Ever wondered what you like when you’re with me?”

You rolled your eyes, a little flustered by the display in front of you.

“You seem like you’re enjoying this,” you mumbled.

“Not really,” Jeonghan replied. “I’d much rather it be you. It’s not enjoyable in the slightest to put Hyeon in his place.”

He tightened his grip in Hyeon’s hair.

“Well, do you forgive him?” He asked. You sighed and shrugged.

“I guess. I kinda feel bad seeing him like this. He can’t help that he’s a man.”

Jeonghan hummed and released Hyeon’s hair, throwing him forward so that he had to catch himself with his hands. He gasped as if he hadn’t been able to breathe before and looked up at you, this time a look of fear in his eyes.

“You two are crazy.”

And then Hyeon stumbled to his feet and rushed away, disappearing into the crowd of people that you couldn’t believe weren’t paying attention to the two of you.

You glanced at Jeonghan, but he wasn’t looking at you, instead he was squinting in the direction that Hyeon had rushed off in. Your eyes narrowed slightly as you looked at him.

“Why did you react like that?” You asked. Jeonghan hummed in question, merely tilting his head towards you in acknowledgment.

“React like what?”

“Like... That,” you emphasized. “Like... You cared about the fact that he was being a dick to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I care?”

“Because I’m just a fuck toy,” you blurted. This made Jeonghan look at you, his eyebrows raising.

“What?”

“I’m just a fuck toy,” you repeated. Jeonghan frowned deeply.

“You’ve got to stop saying that outside of the bedroom,” he mumbled. “You’re not just a fuck toy. Why would you refer to yourself like that to me?”

Frustration bubbled in your chest. You knew that Micah Salaberrios would be laughing at you right now. If you had used his nonviolent communication techniques earlier your feelings wouldn’t be boiling up like this.

Despite the dumb advice in Micah’s book you knew that there was one piece of advice you shouldn’t overlook. Don’t bring up the conversation right now when your feelings are just going to prevent you from talking rationally. Whatever you do don’t bring up-

“Why did you lie to me and tell me that you were fucking other people?”

Jeonghan’s confusion evaporated from his face almost instantly. His mouth closed and his fingers closed around your wrist.

“Maybe we should talk about this somewhere less public,” he mumbled.

“Why? You don’t want everyone to know? You lied to me about fucking other people.”

You grabbed a random girl.

“Want to fuck Yoon Jeonghan?” You asked. “Well, you can’t! Because he is only sleeping with me and yet is telling me that he is sleeping with someone else regardless.”

Jeonghan sharply tugged your wrist, and the girl gave you a weird look, but walked away with a slight reciprocated bow towards Jeonghan.

“Look we can talk about this,” Jeonghan insisted. “Just… Can’t you just come upstairs?”

You didn’t know why but you were mad. Too mad at Jeonghan to want to be rational. You hit his chest to which he sighed, wrapped his arms around your waist and tugged you up over his shoulder.

You yelped, causing a couple of people to glance over at the two of you. Embarrassment filled your body, more so even then when people referenced your sexual relationship with Jeonghan.

You hit Jeonghan on the back.

“Put me down Jeonghan!” You insisted.

“Just let me take you upstairs,” Jeonghan argued back.

It wasn’t that you didn’t feel safe. You always felt safe with Jeonghan. No matter how rough he was being, you knew at the end of the day he wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want him to do. A closed door conversation was exactly the thing that you two needed.

But fuck that.

“I think Jennie’s texting me,” you blurted at the top of your lungs. Jeonghan’s entire body froze and he had you steady on the ground so fast that you felt the world spin a little. Your eyes tried to focus on him, but for some reason you were crying.

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan said softly and from what you could see of him (blurry Jeonghan was still stupidly attractive and serious) he did look like a reflection of his words.

“Don’t call me, Jeonghan.”

And with that you turned on your heel and left the party.

Part Six: Attention

#seventeen #seventeen smut #seventeen fanfic #jeonghan smut #kpop smut #jeonghan fanfic #do i have to tag this #i'm so lazy #sorry for promising a date and then posting it five days later #i.. yeah #ANYWAYS HERE IT IS

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