#5. not end up with someone twice her age who's framed as her moral and literal TEACHER ugh ew bleh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thewaitinggamesblog · 4 years

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Lets talk about 365DNI

So, I will preface by saying this a rant and a semi review, mostly a rant.

Also if you haven't watched it !SPOILERS!

Also, if you’re under the age of 18, or are uncomfortable with taking about sexual things, this is your opportunity to bump off, and don’t watch the movie.

Also an extra warning because i'll be talking about lack of consent in this movie and yeah!

This is my warning.

So, Let’s Talk about the main characters. We have Laura Biel, who is the movies protagonist. She is a victim of kidnapping and the “source” of Massimo Torricelli’s, the love interest and movies antagonist, affection. Laura, at the beginning of the movie, is made to seem like she has a loveless relationship and a job she absolutely hates, and in my opinion, sets up the frame that getting kidnapped by handsome mob man is a blessing, which some might argue in her case it was.Laura is immediately put in a terrible situation, she is uprooted from her friends, and taken to a place where 1)she knows absolutely no one and has to fend for herself and 2) she’s manipulated, from before she even gets kidnapped to time she “surrenders”. She’s fed this idea that she could leave the life she has behind to be on trial basis with a man who she doesn’t know, so that he can live out his fantasy of being in a relationship with her, which she does not fall for.

The movie spends so much time trying to put Laura in a box and make her conform to these rules and lifestyle that she didn’t agree to. Often times, when she is trying to liberate herself from these rules, and shit hits the fan, she is blamed for “acting out.” Thats victim blaming, and Its not her fault, she’s been kidnapped and thrown into situations that she didn’t ask for. And while yes, it's made clear in the movie that there are worse people who could have kidnapped her, it's still not an ideal situation for her.

Despite all of the turmoil she’s put through, ill say that Laura is not a weak character, She’s not silent, she stands up to Massimo to the best of her ability, but he controls all the pieces on the board, and she has no control over anything in her life other than ability to say no to him and that doesn’t even necessarily work sometimes.

An example of Massimo's extreme power control: At one point in the movie she attempts to run away from Massimo but she cant even get out of the city that they’re in because Massimo and his family have the city on their payroll, and everyone is so scared of him, running away for her becomes futile, because it will never work. She has to become complacent to survive.

Massimo Torricelli is our main antagonist and a major asshole, and not an asshole with a soft heart for Laura, he’s just a pure asshole. Its a common theme throughout the movie. The movie makes attempts to soften Massimo’s personality by trying to make him this guy with good morals, but despite having good morals and a traumatic backstory, you cant avoid the facts the he 1) drugged and kidnapped her and 2) he treated her poorly, up until she finally gave into him.

Now if you’ve seen the movie you may or may not agree with my any statements that I have said and thats fine, but we cant avoid the fact that Massimo is a smart person, he understands how to play the long game in this situation. By allowing her to have access to the things that she asked for (only after she begged for them) he is manipulating and finding ways to gain her trust. He’s not dumb he knows what he’s doing. Its like I said earlier, he controls all the pieces on the board, he knows what to do in order to win the game and he, in my opinion, would hold out for as long as it took to make her fall in “love” with him.

Lets talk about the plot. Laura is kidnapped on her birthday while she’s on vacation with her boyfriend and friends, by Mafia Boss Massimo, who has had an obsession with her for over five years and has on a whim, after one coincidental citing, devised a plan to make her and make her fall in love with him. The plan is is that he is giving her 365 days to fall for him and if she hasn’t fell for him by her next birthday, then he will let her go. Thats the plot.

Now you might ask, why am i I reiterating this again and again and again? Why are we talking about this? Why is this important?Well, the definition of Stockholm Syndrome as defined by Merriam Webster is: the psychological tendency of a hostage to bond with, identify with, or sympathize with his or her captor.

I have a very hard time believing as an audience member that Laura, without this certain set circumstances, would fall in love with Massimo, mostly because, he’s an asshole. Not because of his profession. Massimo in addition to being an asshole also disregards and disrespects Laura’s boundaries and often engages in sexual acts with her without her consent.

I as an audience member also have a hard time in believing that Massimo actually loves Laura. Throughout the movie its clear and stated the Massimo is a man who gets what he wants, he doesn’t chase after anything or anyone, Laura being the five year infatuation has peaked his interest, and the idea of finding her and being with her has floated around in his head for too long. I as an audience member, question would he still have interest in her if she caved in and gave into him from the very start. This would turn out to be a completely different movie.

This whole movie, is forwarded by the chase of her resisting him and he having to “compromise” his sense of self and security to be with her. (FYI:it's not a true compromise if one person still controls most of the pieces on the board by the end of the movie.) Yes, Laura turned his life upside down in some ways, but he also knew the potential risk he took when decided to go forward with his plan.

In my opinion, I think Massimo might care for her, but it's in a way that a child cares for a toy, or someone might care for a gun, a very much, you cant touch that, thats my property attitude. One of the biggest examples of this is Massimo’s “Babygirl.” This was a pet-name picked for Laura by Massimo before he even got to know her as a person. Every instance we see him interacting with her “Are you lost Babygirl?” is an example of him claiming some kind of ownership over her, prelude to what he can and eventually does, take her to be his own.

In the movie, Massimo, in my opinion, makes little to no attempts to get to know her as a person, they have no genuine interaction other than one scene that isn’t overtly sexual. Everything else in the movie relies on unhealthy sexual chemistry created to tell you that Massimo's plan is “working.”

Up until the time she give into him there are so many nonconsensual acts of sex, as an audience member, it was concerning. Often these acts would come after he said he was not going to push her boundaries. (FYI: cuffing someone to a bed and making them watch another woman give you a blowjob, without consent is crossing a boundary) and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

So, let's briefly talk about Laura’s situation. She is trapped, and she has no one to trust. Massimo's men are loyal to him and not her. She cant tell them anything for fear of one of them telling Massimo, everything that she thinks, and feels she has to keep hidden, because its not safe for her, therefore she has to make nice with her captor or else, prompting some of the compromises on Lauras part in the movie. This is why I say their relationship is not a true compromise, Laura ends up compromising so much of herself by the end of the movie and Massimo in my opinion continues to live the same life that he’s used to living. point blank.

Lets talk about the turning point in the movie. AKA, when Laura first accepts Massimo. The acceptance happens when Massimo saves her from drowning after she goes overboard on his boat when they were arguing. Now how did we get to this point? For me, its understanding how the odds were stacked up immeasurably against her throughout the movie.

Here’s a few that stuck out to me:

1) Laura still had a considerable amount of time to be left in Massimo’s presence, I believe in the movie she had only been with him for two months.

2) Massimo killed a member of another mafia family, making everyones lives more complicated, and she finally comes to the realization that despite her rebellion, Massimo isn’t letting go of her anytime soon.

3) Massimo's right hand man/ Uncle was telling Massimo to cut his losses with Laura, so where does that leave her? Now that she’s been involved with all of this (against her will), will she still be a target?

4) Laura becomes a target to hurt Massimo, literally just by being with him as later shown by Massimo's jealous ex Anna, Laura will need his protection, whether she wants or not.

5) Laura was blamed, by Massimo and others, for the repercussions of what had happened the night before, which is why they were arguing, she cant defend herself when everyone is pointing the finger at her.

6) Massimo made himself the “Savior” by both risking and saving her life twice in less than 24 hours.

You might ask how did he risk her life the first time? Well, he took her to a club with questionable people and asked her to behave by rules that she did not agree to and when she was in trouble, because she has absolutely no idea who she’s dealing with, he comes in and saves her from said questionable people that she did not want to be around in the first place.

When Massimo saves her the second time, the movie, in my opinion, makes it out for Laura to be grateful that she is alive. Massimo could have just let her drown but he didn't, he was a good human being in that instant, and I guess that plus everything else she’s been through makes accepting him easier, because he saved her life, he must really love her right?right? This my attempt at rationalizing and digesting what had happened leading up to her affections for him. To me, she goes from absolutely hating him to showing him affection overnight, and there was no romantic build up of tension that would have prompted her to have sex with him. From my perspective, the tension went away when she went overboard on the boat.

Finally, when she consents to him they have lots of sex. Like lots and thats a prelude to her getting pregnant. (you know how I knew instantly that she was getting pregnant, because not a single thought of a rubber or birth control was given throughout the entire script.) be safe. use protection people!

Anyways, towards the end of the movie, Massimo sends her off to Poland, to be safe, while he does some really sketchy mafia things to whom we can assume is either his ex, who threatened to Kill Laura or the mafia family he has drama with now. She’s supposed to wait in Poland for him to finish whatever sketchy thing he’s doing, and yes, we know its sketchy because before her flight, Laura’s henchman that has been with her for the whole movie has to leave and strictly instructs her to wait in Poland, and thats what she does. Massimo sets her up with an apartment and expenses and she’s supposed to wait for him to i guess meet up with her. While in Poland, Laura visits her friend, Olga, who we can only assume she has had no contact with over the past couple of weeks.

What makes this movie so unrealistic, in my opinion, is the lack of realistic reactions to situations which should be taken more seriously. Lauras friend is pissed for all of five seconds, and she’s confused when Laura tells her what really happened to her, and her solution to all of it was lets go out and and get make overs and go clubbing and get your mind off of everything, which yes, is helpful to some, but also….. If I showed up randomly on my friends doorstep with the same tea Laura had to spill, my friends would do alot more than go out for makeovers and go clubbing, they’d probably call the cops, or my parents, or both, regardless of Massimo’s influence.

So, they end up going out and she runs into her ex at the club, which is already questionable as to how he even knew she was there? Like did the best friend call him? Anyways he’s determined to plead his case to her and literally follows her all night long even all the way to her apartment where Massimo is waiting for her to get home. Once her ex sees Massimo, he stands down, and skip to the next important part because it’s all just sex.

So Laura tells Massimo that she loves him and the next morning he asks her to marry him. Which prompts me to ask what would he have done if she said no?? Like honestly, would he have just let her say no or would he force her to say yes?

So……there’s a fashion montage to show that they’re like happy and in love and then they’re at a wedding with her family, who I think is her cousin and Massimo meets her family and he parents are just chill with the fact that after being gone for months that she all of a sudden has a new man in her life.....I’m just going to assume that she’s been in constant contact with her parents because some of that doesn’t make sense to me. I know that she called her mother when Massimo gave her her phone back, but thats the only time in the movie that I can remember her contacting her family.

So finally, let’s talk about the ending, and im not going to spoil it because, i don’t want to. So, the ending was the ending and that’s all I’m going to say about that. Im not going to spoil the ending because if you end up watching the film or take any context clues from what I've written, you will know that they don’t end up getting married! (oops… never said why they didn’t). I will say, the ending felt very rushed. It was all happening very fast. I believe from time that he proposed to her till the ending of the movie, they packed in weeks worth of story telling in fifteen to twenty minutes, and there were plenty of gaps, that I feel like, if they were filled, they would have made the ending of the movie make more sense.

So, on a lighter not, I want to talk about a very brief similarity in another movie that could technically be considered of the same plot. That movie is Beauty and the Beast. When I was watching this movie, Beauty and the Beast, was always in the back of my head, when i finished watching 365DNI, I compared the two movies. The stories are similar in the generalized sense, both men are beast who rely on women to humanize them, but are doing it under personalized circumstances in a certain amount of time. Just like the Beast, Massimo had a deadline he had to meet, Also Belle was a prisoner, her entire experience at the castle and in the Beast company was to make her fall in love with him.

In conclusion, Id give this movie a solid 5/10, because even though I don’t agree with the basis of the story, its fiction, and in my opinion, its okay to enjoy fantasized fiction, just as long as you’re not taking your fantasy out into the real world. I know its just a movie and I probably shouldn’t have gone this hard on it, but I just had thoughts. (These are my own thoughts and opinions on the movie, I'm not a professional critic, by any means, I just wanted to talk about it. If you have opinions on the movie, or if you’ve got any advice on how to write a personal review, let's talk! cause I definitely want to do more of these!)

-justbeinghonest

#365 dni #sorry not sorry #sorry for the rant #massimo torricelli #365 days #review #personal rant #365dni

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hillnerd · 5 years

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Do you have any particular examples of Harry taking Ron for granted? Like I'm trying to come up with something specific, but my answer ends up being "just in general". Like, he's been pushed aside his whole life and chooses to continue to be pushed aside because he loves Harry, and Harry just doesn't get or appreciate that. But there's really no one particular time where it's shown besides Hermione's comment in GOF.

So I’ll preface this all by saying I think Harry is a very good lad, and was a good friend to Ron in the series. So this criticism I’m about to lay out is NOT a Harry bashing post. I love him. He’s literally in my top 5 fave characters for the series.

So! That said, let’s get into it.

Harry rarely thanks Ron for anything he does. (That I could find relying on my memory and doing word search in my digital copies- let me know if I’m wrong.) And sort of just takes Ron’s support as a given thing- and doesn’t seem all that grateful for all Ron does in the series. He only seems to truly appreciate Ron when Ron’s not around- then doesn’t really bother to communicate this to Ron himself

Book 1:

It’s just little things of not really taking in how Ron backs him up: Ron’s guiding him through the wizarding world, he is his second when he’s challenged to a wizard duel, he’s getting his brother to bail out Hagrid w/ the dragon (who at that point is really Harry’s friend, not his) and got injured with it too, he’s writing his mum to make sure Harry gets a christmas present, and he sacrifices himself on the chess set so Harry and Hermione can go forward.

Harry literally never gives a ‘thanks’ to Ron for any of this. I couldn’t even find much in the way of mental gratitude for it.

The one time he thanks Ron is at the end of the book when Ron invites Harry over to stay that summer. That same scene Harry’s getting random people telling him ‘bye Harry!’ and then Ginny is running and pointing saying ‘Oh look it’s him!’ but she’s not pointing to her brother- she’s pointing to Harry. Then Mrs Weasley greets Harry instead of her son as well. :(

Book 2:

He never thanks Ron in this book.

This is the same book where Ron convinces his twin brothers to help him steal the family car to break Harry out of the Dursleys, and then has him stay in his bedroom the rest of summer. Ron’s backing him up the whole book (wand included) and giving Harry pep talks when he thinks he’s going crazy, and is just there for him the whole time. He freaking helps put him in pajamas when Harry’s arm is all boneless. Like, the doting… And Harry again just… doesn’t seem to register how doting Ron is? Even mentally?

Book 3:

Harry finally verbally thanks Ron, and it’s not at the end of the book. It’s for candy he brought Harry from Hogsmeade…

I mean it just sort of goes like that…. He just never Thanks Ron. Ron backs him up in battles, stands on a broken leg for him, risks his life to help him, shares what little he has with him, and Harry just… barely ever verbalizes thanks? Shows basically no gratitude to his friend who risks his life for him?

The things he thanks Ron for are more out of politeness… like… I get it. It’s hard to verbalize things like that (and no offense to Brits, but they aren’t as gushy as some cultures with thanks.)

But… Harry has managed to be particularly withholding from Ron.

book 4

he misses Ron so thoroughly, and is so upset- but he’s unable to verbalize this to Ron at all. After their fight he doesn’t try to understand Ron’s perspective, even when Hermione sort of hamfistedly explains things to him (i get it, he’s mad- but I thoroughly believe Harry was the one that made a small disagreement become a ‘giant fight- and now well I guess the friendship is dead’ situation.’ All because, for the first time in the series- Ron isn’t immediately completely in his corner (like, he was just skeptical and hurt when the ‘fight’ begins- but Harry attacks Ron.)

Ron goes to check on him during their fight Harry gets pissed and throws a badge at his face, as well as accusing Ron of being jealous of his scar. It finally resolves- and Ron’s the one to fix things. Harry made no effort to, and does not acknowledge his part in their fight.

Harry loves Ron SO much- and verbalizes it niente.

I mean at least Ron got to feel a touch of how much he means to Harry- not because of anything Harry does- just because of the tournament. When Ron’s the thing he would miss most Hermione is someone else’s ‘thing they’d miss most’- so I doubt this made Ron feel this meant he was actually Harry’s person. But at least he had something.

Book 5

Harry’s screaming at Ron quite a lot, as Ron is trying to comfort him and be there for him- literally being the one to help him when he has nightmares or sicks onto the floor.

Now, they have a history of Ron being there for him, body and soul- and when Ron is given the prefect badge Harry is jealous- but then mentally he thinks ‘no, Ron actually DOES deserve this’- but doesn’t tell him this. Ron has cheered Harry through every quidditch game, through tasks, through crazy shit- and is his hype guy. He bucks Harry up a LOT in the books. Harry finally tells Ron ‘well done, mate.’

He saw how Ron was being treated by everyone when he got his badge. He knows Ron’s insecure. He knows this is something Ron saw in the mirror at age 11. That’s all he says on it. He doesn’t say Ron deserved it when Ron is saying ‘I thought it’d be you.’ He instead says how he himself was disqualified for causing too much trouble. That was it. :[ No ‘you did loads, Ron.’ ‘I think you’ll do well.’ Nah. Just a ‘congratulations.’ Like……………………………………………………… Maybe I’m just over effusive, but if someone is my best friend I’d say somethign more than 3 words in FIVE WHOLE YEARS.

Ron is a wreck in book 5 between prefect torture from the twins, and quidditch and the bullying- and Harry is finally a bit more there for Ron. He tells him he thinks he’ll do well on the team and he thinks he should try out. He tries to boost Ron’s morale quite a lot!

And when Harry is no longer on the team, this support starts to wane. For the final game Harry aND Hermione skip out to do Hagrid crap. Neither of them apologize. Ron almost immediately swallows his disappointment and never mentions it again. They never think on it again and show no signs of guilt beyond them telling Ron they missed the game. He had this giant triumph- the first the school had recognized since first year- and that was that.

So, Ron nearly dies in book 5- Harry understandably is very shaken by Sirius’s death- but he doesn’t think to inquire about Ron (or anyone.) He barely talks to his friends (again it’s understandable! Harry’s in shock and deep mourning.)

So yeah… I mean it just keeps going, doesn’t it? Harry mentally feels like Ron is SO important to him- but never SAYS anything like that, and doesn’t show it much through actions either…

Book 6

Harry saved Ron in book 6- but he’s saved loads of people. When Ron is dealing with ermione problems he does nothing to intervene or help- when he sees the slow motion car wreck happening- and then skips out on Ron whenever Lavender’s around.

He’s more there for Ron than in previous books- but still Ron does SO much emotional labor in their relationship- and never gets a hint of recognition. Harry joins in on teasing and even helps set up Gin to make a joke at Ron’s expense :P I love teasing between friends! Don’t get me wrong, but Ron gets mocked a lot my his siblings- he does’t need his best friend teaming up with one :P

SO! Final book!

Ron is doing SO MUCH to help Harry. The ghoul, leaving his family in a very very dangerous state, constantly backing him up and nearly dying- and frankly he’s right- Harry DOESN’T have a plan. It’s frankly ridiculous how unplanned everything is.

They have the terrible horcrux fight- and instead of acknowledging Ron’s fears at all- he mocks Ron and tells him to leave. Twice. Now Ron was being an asshole too in this scene- but only ONE of them was WEARING the Horcrux and being particularly targeted- and it wasn’t Harry.

When Harry gets Ron back- and he saves his life and he finally sees what all Ron had been tortured with he FINALLY addresses Ron’s pain for a bit. He also FINALLY acknowledges Ron for doing things for him. Of course it’s framed in the whole ‘don’t worry about your eff up- you did all this tonight so that makes up for it!’ way- but this is the first time Harry has ever truly acknowledged Ron’s contributions in the whole series, that I can recall.

Ron’s been his friend who was there for him for everything- and this is the only time he gets this sort of ‘thanks’ from Harry the whole series.

So there we go.

I have to say, again, I don’t think Harry is a bad person- or that he’s the worst friend in the world or anything. He loves Ron very deeply and shows he cares through actions, wanting to spend his quality time with Ron, and showing respect for him (most of the time.) Like, he TRUSTS Ron, and I think Ron recognizes it as a sign of affection. It’s a good thing too, because Harry’s not the easiest friend. He’s moody, he’s a bit thoughtless, he comes with BAGGAGE, and will almost never give verbal gratitude for all the sacrifices.

He barely acknowledges the sacrifices mentally. And that’s why I feel Harry takes Ron for granted.

#warriorlid14

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me-on-set · 5 years

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Harrowingly Strange

When was the last time you had to face a moral dilemma? I am still reeling. I actually just got home. I think I invented a new selfie style. I wanted to take a photo of my makeup on and off.

As I currently write this, I am not an actor but instead have been doing background work for the past year. I've occasionally been a featured extra and was a body double once.

It's fascinating, seeing and doing the work that embodies being on set.

A couple of days ago, I received a message from a casting agency that had my headshot asking to submit my photo for a featured non-speaking role with a local production company. It was a one or two day shoot at $200 per day. I said yes and I got the gig.

When you are cast, you get an email the night before with details about the set location, start time, special instructions, and wardrobe. This show I booked was for a reenactment TV series about real world events. The exciting news was that this particular episode revolved around a crisis that occurred in my parents' homeland. I was to play someone at home seeing the news on television, and then in a second scene complain to police of their incompetence. I was asked to bring leisure clothing one would wear at home.

When I first started being an extra, I would bring my clothes in a backpack, trying really hard not to care too much. That behavior did not last. I found my interest stumbling forward into a natural evolution. I started taking luggage to neatly carry my wardrobe options. I found that I would mostly get cast as a mid-30's businessman. This led me to comfortably bring my outfits in a garment bag. It's funny how familiarity can grow your views.

For today, I packed shorts, sweatpants, t-shirts, a hoodie, a pair of runners, and a pair of flip flops. I got these flip flops during my last vacation with my mom overseas in her hometown. I also brought some henley shirts and arrived on set in khakis and a short-sleeved polo because there was also a mention of button-ups being an option.

The majority of work involved as an extra is waiting. It's a good idea to bring a book, although in this day and age, occupying oneself with a smart phone is a much more fulfilling time killer. I didn't end up using any of the clothes I had brought except for my belt and my runners. After my hair and makeup were done I decided to satisfy my curiosity by searching keywords of this specific production. I searched the name of the character I was to reenact. Adding quotations to strict strings of words, I had soon discovered the event I was going to portray. This was when my moral dilemma began.

I was born and raised in North America by immigrant parents who arrived in their early 20's. The typical experiences had by people of color paint a relatively positive mural that represents my upbringing. Having visited my ethnic country many times throughout my life, I felt, and still feel, a deep connection to the motherland. This connection is common for others like myself, powered by identity in a time where life will sometimes present it as a limitation. Conversely, this only strengthens cultural pride.

The role I was to play was an international representing their countrymen against the very country I identify with. Pangs of uneasiness flooded my body. There was another featured role performer who had an earlier call time. We sat together in the holding area. He was cast to play the part of a family member learning the news of the event. What surprised me more was the fact that he was a recent immigrant from my country of ethnicity. Us both, cast in roles of coincidental conflict of interest?

When it comes to acting, the only other time I recall having feelings of apprehension was during a big budget movie filmed in a church. I was a church goer among a sea of church goers seated in church pews. We were instructed to portray the enjoyment of a church service. Some of us were selected to stand and sway to the Christian music. Some had their eyes closed, head tilted to the ceiling, palms facing up to the heavens. As easy a physical task that is, I instead opted to clap along to the band and pretend to really feel the sounds of my favorite music. I know it's just acting but I was driven by the thought of my mom seeing me do anything other than that on camera. So, I coursed the music through my veins. I know the history of the band members, the albums, this music moves me, pretend.

I received my paperwork and read it over a cup of coffee from craft services. It was standard paperwork that I've filled out over a dozen times before. I looked at the inviting exit door. I was parked right outside. This is not that big of a deal, is it? I imagined this TV episode making its way to the news overseas, the citizens all over the world deeming me a traitor for perpetuating a negative image, not merely through action but through representation against them. Against us. Am I selling out? For two hundred bucks?

I thought about getting up and leaving. I thought about all of the hard work that people have put into this specific production. If you haven't been behind the scenes before, it is quite the trip. An assortment of heavy duty cables line the floors, taped in place. Racks of props in designated areas. The backstage crew zip around in sync, bursting with walkie-talkie sounds and hollers of instruction. There is a commonality in the many interactions, their minds tuned into the goal meant to be achieved. This is their career.

This is my hobby. I am a prop. Would leaving this put a blemish on my record in the local film community, or the film industry as a whole, because I wasted everyone's time being sensitive? As I languished, I get a message from my best friend and I tell him I'm on set. I tell him:

For some reason, that makes me feel better. I just might be able to work with that mentality. The other guy has finished. He returns his wardrobe and collects his belongings. I ask him if he knows what this show is about. We speak in our language among the English-speakers. I ask him if he thinks people back home are going to be mad at us. I ask him if he knew we were going to be doing this. He seems ok with it all. He said he was there during the actual event. He's new to the industry. We laugh about how we can pass as different races. This is his first time being on camera. He said he enjoyed the experience. I ask him if he'll continue. He said yes. I hope he does.

Finally, wardrobe is set and I am wearing a navy blue golf shirt and some gray slacks. I want to feel good, like the other times I've worked. How can I get that feeling? They're calling me on set. They adjust the lighting while I sit in front of the camera. A fog machine fills the mock living room belonging to my character. When the camera rolls, there is a fake TV in front of me that I am to watch casually at first and then grow increasingly interested as the live footage I am pretending to watch unfolds. I am supposed to build up into a frustration with the host country. My country. As I understand it, the real guy is being interviewed and I am the reenactment; the illustration of his side of the story. I do the scene. Twice. Filming took less than 5 minutes total. The whole time I was thinking about my mom. I can remember it still, a few hours ago today, the director describing the gradual transpiring of the footage to guide me. To help me see a reason to be frustrated on camera. It wasn't helping. It's not his fault. I don't think it's anyone's fault. I don't think they even knew why I would be uncomfortable. I don't think they knew much about the countries involved in the event. They even spelled the city name wrong. I don't even think the takes were that bad.

I wish it wasn't about my country. If it were different, I feel like I could have given more - like I had done at the church.

It's unsettling to perform make-believe, but for myself I have managed to apply a mental exercise that immerses me into a character; to actually be the person. The trick is to relate. To tie the emotion to a real memory and relive it. If it had only been about another country, I'm sure I would have enjoyed the process a lot more.

I'm writing this and I was hoping it would help me shake away this dread. Thoughts of regret imagining if I had only researched the keywords sooner. Maybe I would have cancelled. But that wouldn't have been better. I would be blacklisted and never cast as another role again. Or maybe I'm being dramatic. Hey, that's good for this line of work, right?

I honestly hope the final cut looks great. This is the biggest role I've ever been in. They gelled my hair funny like a nerd, I had on large framed glasses, just like the portrayed, and they put makeup on my upper lip to hide my dark, clean-shaven stubble.

When I got home, before I washed my makeup off, I took a before and after mirror selfie because my face looked comedically smooth. Taking the pictures reminded me of when I was sipping coffee in the holding area. I had taken pictures of my paperwork. I remember my mind racing. The feeling was like gathering license plates and insurance information after a collision. You know, just in case I have to stand trial, my cultural membership in jeopardy. I can review my situation with a lawyer to see what I can and can not say during a variety show interview that is getting my side of the story after viral, captioned screenshots of me flood the internet with embarrassing memes, stamped into history. Jesus Christ, that would be the worst. Here I go again with extreme maybes. It's an entertaining curse that I will forever be engulfed in my own hypothetical torture.

Anyway, here's that selfie I invented:

Yeah my bathroom mirrors are dirty.

I can't wait for my next job that I can cleanse my palate with. I really hope I can accept today as purely an actor's portrayal, and not a turncoat betrayal. This can't be my last go at acting. I ate some of my country's food for supper. I feel a bit better. I'm wearing a shirt that is emblazoned with our country's sports hero.

I have always been excited to see the final release of a production I am in, except for this one now. Uncontrollably, my perverse curiosity into the film world is only strengthening, so I don't think even the worst thoughts can slow my future participation. The silver lining is that the uncomfortable bar is set to a new level. I could reenact a murderous deviant now without batting a moral eyelash, I like to think. All for the sake of film.

- WSS, February 8, 2019

#on set #casting #acting

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jimlingss · 7 years

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Beyond Reach [4]

Chapters 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 (Finale) Words: 6.5k Genre: Angst, Grim Reaper!Au, Ghost!Au Summary: If someone could see what you could, they’d pass out. But you don't blame them. Who would ever expect for a ghost, a priestess and a grim reaper to be together - much less be rescuing others. Warnings: Death and topic of illness.

If someone could see what you could, they’d pass out. Maybe they’d try to claw out their eyes, scream to the high heavens or simply….perhaps they’ll think they’re high on some sort of drug. That it’s all one big delusion, hallucination or a dream. You wish it were that way.

Who would ever expect for a ghost, a priestess and a grim reaper to be sitting smack dab in the center of a high school play, surrounded by young children and parents? It’s an unconventional trio, if you do say so yourself.

“What did you think?” A bumbling student comes dashing your way as the crowd filters out. His grin is bright, dazzling even and it makes him look his age. As you predicted with your intuition, Taehyung is indeed a louder boy, drawing in people naturally with his demeanor. And now that he isn’t so quiet anymore, you can truly see the extent of his radiant personality.

“It was good.” You bring up your hand, ruffling the blonde strands of his hair. You’re not used to complimenting or praising others, being affectionate but it’s not as awkward as you thought it would be. “Really good.”

Taehyung’s smile widens even more and then he leans in, “Have I melted your cold heart?”

Your hand falls from his head and you lift an eyebrow. Taehyung laughs and asks what the other two thought about it. “I thought I was going to get a heart attack!” Hoseok says dramatically and you almost begin laughing. The ghost rambles on while Namjoon shrugs.

Taehyung hasn’t fully recovered and he never will. Jimin’s death is not a wound that can heal with time or medication. The impact and mark it’s made on Taehyung has shifted his entire life but he’s slowly learning how to confront the pain by focusing on the memories. No longer fixated on ‘what could have been done’ but the things they have done together since they were mere kids who knew less than babbling.

The guilt - the self-deprecation - the resentments of being left behind - the endless questions that can never be answered - the worry that Jimin hates him, they have all but dissipated. Taehyung will never forget Jimin, his greatest friend. Now until forever. And he will never forget about what it means to live, to die.

The blue rubber bracelet around Taehyung’s wrist serves a reminder on the boy with the crescent eye smile, the bubbly giggles and the compassion of an angel who is still with him no matter where Taehyung goes in his life.

“Taehyung!” Seulgi pokes her head out from the red curtain. “Get your butt back in here! You need to help clean up!”

“Alright.” He draws out in exasperation before she disappears. The boy looks back at you with a smile, blinking twice to soak in all your features. Then, suddenly, he pulls you in for a hug. You let out an ‘oof’ from being crushed but Taehyung soothes your back, nuzzling into you.

“Thank you.”

Taehyung lets go a second later and runs off, turning his head just a bit to shoot a wink and a ‘see you later’. You wave him off and Hoseok wonders what it would be like if he, too, could embrace you. If every time he reached out, his skin didn’t pass through yours. He wonders what it would be like if he could feel again, touch, truly breathe. He pounds his head for memories on what that was like but he comes out with nothing.

“Where are you going?” You catch him straying off by himself and Hoseok softly smiles, ignoring the impulse of pulling you in his arms, an impulse that he cannot fulfill.

“I’m going to clear my mind for a bit.”

He tries to remember, he bulldozes his brain, traces back to anything...anything at all. But he can’t. Hoseok leaves the school grounds in tears, running for his life. A way to release his fear and to get away before you can see him break down. The one thing that he’s most afraid of...is being taken. From his memories. From you.

He can’t focus on anything else but trying to recall the past.

“What is the afterlife like?” You ask Namjoon whilst staring up at the sky, wondering if Jimin is watching.

He chuckles, a smirk on his lips as he matches his pace with you. The black hood has fallen to reveal his face but the ends of the cloak drape the ground as he strolls. “It’s whatever you want it to be.”

“That’s a vague answer.”

“To be frank. I don’t know.” The Grim Reaper focuses ahead down the path. “Whether souls live again….if they wander aimlessly in another dimension or if it’s a second Earth. Heaven. Hell.”

Namjoon sighs, “I’m just a messenger, a deliverer. A bridge to send souls from one place to another. All I know is that people must face the choices they have made over their lifetime and the consequences of those choices.”

For the time frame that you’ve known Namjoon in, you’ve noticed. With your curse of empathy, you felt it inside your very core - absolutely nothing. You’ve felt nothing. His emotions are never strong ones. You’re not even sure if Namjoon has emotions. He’s always solemn, apathetic, neutral. Perhaps that’s what the best Reaper should feel...nothing.

Namjoon is a vessel to be used - to send the dead to the other side. Just as you’re a messenger for the dead. The two of you aren’t so different.

“Do you ever wish to be human?”

“Do you ever wish to be a bird or a rabbit?” He replies with questions of his own, his smirk glued to his lips as he contemplates aloud. “My mind wanders occasionally but in all honesty, no. I don’t wish to be something I’m not.”

You let his answer sink in, how his indifference even belongs with his philosophies. In the silence that follows, Namjoon is the one who nabs at the opportunity to ask you something he’s been mildly curious about. “Why do you keep lying to yourself?”

You don’t respond.

“You hate your ability, yet, you still help others by using it. You’re self-sacrificial but not from your own will. You’re far from being a saint but you can’t hide your sympathy underneath your cold and serious exterior. Why?”

“Why do you hate helping people so much? Is it not what a priestess like you should do?”

You shake your head, the chickadee birds chirping waking you up from your trance. “I don’t hate it. I do it because it feels like a moral obligation, a responsibility.” You meet his hardened eyes that hold no colour. “It’s exactly as you say. Because it’s what a priestess like me should do.”

Namjoon muses to himself out loud, “it sounds like a burden.”

“It is.”

Life likes to play jokes. You’ve learnt that the universe becomes bored every now and then. When that happens, the subject of its toys are humans. When you say one thing, life may give you the complete other. When you deny something, refuse it, it always comes back to slap you across the face, appearing in abundance. All for life’s own amusement.

You once knew a boy who hated to eat spinach. It was the irony of things when he ended up working at a spinach farm part time and he often brought spinach home to eat when he couldn’t afford much else. His fridge became stocked with spinach despite his hatred for it.

In the same way, by constantly reminding yourself how much you hate becoming involved, how much you despise and condemn your curse, it comes back more and more to haunt you.

“Don’t you think you could cut me some slack?” Hoseok hums out, skipping ahead before twirling around with a smile. “You don’t have to take me….right, Namjoon?”

“That’s not my choice to make. It’s the list...” Namjoon sighs out and frowns in distaste, “And since when have we become comfortable enough for you to call me by my name? Do you not know the power of a Grim Reaper’s name?”

“I’ve been spending so much time with you two…” The ghost’s eyes land on you and his smile melts into a sheepish and soft one. “Are we not family now?”

You keep your gaze pinned on Hoseok and you answer without missing a heartbeat, “we are.”

“Are you sure you want a Reaper as a family member?” Namjoon throws his head back and chuckles. He tugs his sleeves to reveal his fingers and he wiggles them, surprisingly being playful to the ghost. “That means I can take you in the middle of the night and drag you to the depths of hell, right? Because we’re family and you’ll be understanding.”

“No!” Hoseok yelps and then pouts, looking over to you for help. “Tell him not to do that, Y/N!”

You don’t reply. Your feet have stopped, eyes pinned elsewhere. The errands that your grandmother sent you on fleet away from your mind, slip from your grasps. The pair of them exchange looks before following where your irises have lead you-

A boy. Who’s walking uphill across the empty street, tugging on his bag that’s slung across his body. He keeps his eyes downcast, an emotion of utter despair takes hold of your breath. If the colour blue could be embodied into skin, that would be him. Bleak. Misery. Without hope.

The wind chimes ring.

A middle-aged woman is following behind the boy, the few wrinkles of her face showing the decades she’s held. She waddles after him, faltering but determined steps. Worry mars her face and the woman doesn’t even notice you, far too concentrated in her task.

“Y/N?” Hoseok momentarily forgets that he cannot touch you when he reaches out to catch your hand. His skin passes through yours and he gnaws on his bottom lip. “Y/N?”

You’re not sure what compels you. For the hatred of your abilities to the bitterness of implicating yourself in matters that do not affect you. Namjoon is curious - Hoseok is bewildered - you take a step forward across the road, following the woman in silence.

“Y/N? What are you doing?”

“There’s just...something about this ghost.” You whisper to him, not able to shake off the feeling that’s overwhelming you. “I can’t put my finger on what it is.”

Namjoon summons a black book into his hand, scrolling through the crisp pages while stealing glimpses of the woman. “Jeon Junghwa. Born May 18, 1969. Death by illness and disease.” He hums and the object disappears into thin air. “She’s been wandering for three weeks.”

The three of you follow the ghost who’s trailing behind the boy. Neither of them turn around, too occupied in their own thoughts. “A hospital?” Hoseok frowns and tilts his head as he watches them enter.

Namjoon smirks, “My favourite place.”

The boy twists and turns in the ivory hallways, already knowing his destination by muscle memory. He enters a vacant room where a nurse is waiting for him and he is handed a box of forgotten things. He bows his head and takes it within his thin fingers as she scurries away. A few moments later, a doctor enters and you catch the words, ‘payment’ and ‘sorry’, watching as the white coated man deeply bows his head. There’s only so much you can piece together, lingering outside without grant.

The doctor leaves the boy, letting him absorb in whatever information was given to him. And slowly, the ghost stumbles out with tears in her eyes. She doesn’t notice you or the other two, turning and walking away.

This is your chance.

The snapshot in time you’ve been waiting for. Where you, too, can walk in the other direction and pretend that this never happened. It’s an opportunity where you don’t have to involve yourself. There are no obligations, no pleas or begging, no one on their knees in front of you, desperate or angry. This isn’t your responsibility. You can finally escape.

Hoseok calls you gently to shatter your reverie, “Y/N.”

You meet his brown orbs, the ones that are full of fondness and curiosity. He doesn’t expect you to do anything and neither will he urge you to. Hoseok is too aware that it must be of your own will. He just wants to know what you’ll do, what you’ll say. If you’re truly the person he thinks you are.

The person who he cherishes with all his heart.

“Excuse me.” You pick up your pace when the woman doesn’t perceive your voice. “Excuse me-”

“Is there something wrong, dear?” She stops to look at you as if you hadn’t just spoken to her. You blink twice to make sure she’s a ghost; the transparency of her flesh, the sickly colour of her skin, the way her movements are fluid and her feet are almost hovering over the floor. It’s unmistakable.

She’s not surprised, not like every spirit entity that you’ve met thus far. “D-do you need my help?”

“Your help? I..I don’t need anything….at least not at the top of my head, dear. Thank you for asking me but- oh!” Her eyes twinkle when she smiles and her pupils flicker to the boy whom she was following earlier. “My son.”

“Your...son?”

The boy is dragging his feet. A messy mop of brown hair hidden behind the navy hood of his sweater. He has doe eyes that match his youthful face, resembling that of a rabbit with a button nose. Despite his lean figure, his hollow cheekbones and chapped lips tell you that he is left starving, that he’s forgotten to care for himself, that he’s lost.

“Jungkook.” She smiles tenderly as she calls his name, letting each syllable lay on her tongue. “He’s my son.” The woman says proudly, watching as he leaves the building. “And if you can help him - you’re helping me.”

Namjoon says nothing, letting an exaggerated sigh leave his parted lips. Hoseok gazes at you, finding it strange that you’re the one who is taking the step forward, willing to aid instead of being asked to. Every time Hoseok makes an assumption about you, can finally pinpoint the details of who you are - he’s wrong. And it makes him yearn to know more about you.

It almost hurts that time is ticking.

You knock once, Namjoon to your left and Hoseok to your right. The two figures tower you in height and if the boy could see what you could, he’d surely faint on the spot. But he doesn’t.

A few seconds, a ‘crash’ sounding from inside and a tired “coming” later, he opens the door. “Can I help you?” His voice is groggy and he speaks slowly with exhaustion.

“I’m a neighbor.” You shove yourself inside and it’s too fast for Jungkook to keep up with. “Just moved in, nice place. My name is Y/N.” Hoseok laughs at how intrusive you are and even Namjoon smiles. Jungkook’s mother comes out of a room and if you didn’t know what you did, it would look like she’s still alive, simply a mother full of concern that’s walking around her home.

When she sees you, she lights up.

“S-sorry for the mess. I’m Jungkook.” He scratches his head of hair, eyes swollen from sleep. Despite the amount of rest it seems like he’s gotten, he’s still tired. “Where exactly did you move?”

“Down the street.” You brush him off quickly, moving to pick up the clothes off the floor.

Mess is an understatement. It’s chaos and mayhem, the town dump paling in comparison. Clothes are thrown on the floor, chairs and the old couch. Dirty plates and utensils are joined with them, the trash not taken out and overflowing. The curtains are covering the windows, shades pulled down to plunge the wreckage in darkness.

“W-what are you doing?” Jungkook’s rounded eyes double as he watches you take out garbage bags from your bag, collecting trash in the middle of his shabby living room. He looks even more like a child, confused and lost as he blinks at you. “Why are you cleaning?!”

“I’m a maid.” You lie to him, “It’s bothering me too much. I hope you don’t mind.”

His hand curls around your wrist before you can pick up a paper bowl. “I-I can’t pay you.”

“You don’t need to. Just think of it as a kind gesture that I’m doing for meeting my new neighbors and for joining the neighborhood.”

He can’t protest when you begin to roll up your sleeves, pounding down to work. Namjoon sits on a stool, pointing to things for you to pick up. “Right there, Y/N. You missed a spot. You missed it again!”

Hoseok pushes him off and the intimidating Grim Reaper falls to the ground, curling his knee to his chest with a loud ‘ow’. “Don’t boss her around!”

“You stupid ghost! I’ll take you right now if I have to!”

He sticks out his tongue to mock Namjoon. “I’d like to see you try.”

“Are you okay?” Jungkook lowers himself to meet your eyes. “Why are you smiling?”

“Oh, nothing.” You brush him off, continuing to pick things up. Jungkook rushes over and helps you, taking his laundry into a basket properly and trying to do whatever he can, completely embarrassed that a stranger is cleaning his home. He’s utterly bewildered and baffled but has no strength to question you or make you leave. You seem much too determined for some strange reason.

“Thank you! Thank you!” Jungkook’s mother hurries past, instructing you in every moment. “The mop is in the closet over there. And oh! The laundry detergent is on that shelf, I’m not sure if he remembers. If you need the dustpan, dear, it’s in this bottom cabinet.”

She does everything within her power to assist you. So does Hoseok but he can’t pick anything up and it frustrates him to no end, reminding him that he’s no longer suppose to be here. He’s not suppose to be on this side of the living. “Can’t I possess objects?”

“You’re a ghost.” Namjoon hums out, “not a ghost or a spirit from some fancy movie.”

Between the banters of Hoseok and Namjoon, the worried scurrying of Jungkook’s mother, you find yourself stifling back some laughter. Jungkook becomes even more skeptical.

He wonders if his mother is watching such a bizarre event unfold.

After five hours, the house for the most part is in better shape. Right when Jungkook is anticipating your exit, you head to the kitchen to make lunch upon his mother’s request. Apparently he hasn’t been eating well and you’re adamant about making a meal despite Jungkook shrieking that you shouldn’t while you insist you should.

“How do you remember?”

Hoseok is sitting with the middle-aged woman who looks well beyond her years, the folds on her bony hands showing the struggle of her life. He’s been searching for so long, blaming himself for being incapable of withholding any memories of his life. Every spirit or ghost he’s met, the handful that he’s seen with you, have all retained some ties to their past. Why doesn’t he remember?

All Hoseok wants is to find answers. To know.

“How could I forget?” Junghwa croaks out as she observes her son with sad eyes. “When I woke up in that hospital, he was there. When I followed him, I began to remember again.” The woman turns to the other ghost, “was there anyone there when you woke up?”

He bites his lower lip, ignoring the sting of his chest and his eyes. “I was alone...I..am alone.”

She laughs, shaking her head and Hoseok follows her eyes to you and Namjoon hovering over the kitchen counters with Jungkook. “No, you aren’t.”

As you’re constructing a sandwich together haphazardly, you lift your face to meet Hoseok’s eyes. He thinks he’s caught a smile, your crinkled eyes, a slight pull on the corner of your lips. You look unrestrained, not burdened or hiding away from the dilemmas that go seeking for you. He’s caught you in a moment where the brick walls and barriers you’ve surrounded your heart with don’t exist. They’ve fallen on your own accord.

Hoseok thinks to himself that if he could still live, if he could have his life back in his hands, he would want to spend the rest of it with you.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” You tell Jungkook at the doorway, entertained with how confused he looks. “We haven’t finished yet.”

“Tomorrow?”

You come and go as you choose, not plagued by a spirit or persuaded by one. “Tomorrow.”

Jungkook’s mother waves to you, immensely thankful for what you’ve done today. And for once as you make your path towards home, your mind doesn’t cripple the abilities you were born with.

The morning air is brisk, the coldness of the ground not yet melted away from the warmth of the sunlight that still peaks over the horizon. But Hoseok wouldn’t know what it would feel like for the sharp bite to nip at his skin, wouldn’t know the freshness of a large inhale to fill his lungs. He can only watch as you slightly shiver, tugging the sweater closer to your body, and he wishes that he could only somehow wrap his arm around you to provide some warmth.

Hoseok clenches his fist, looks the other way and blames himself for being so powerless.

“Why?” Hoseok manages a tiny smile, trying his best to paint over a calm facade. “Why are you helping her so willingly?” Namjoon listens carefully too, curious as to what you’ll answer.

“That woman.” You keep your eyes trained ahead. You’ve been asking yourself the same question and it only occurred to you when you bidded your grandmother goodbye. “She reminds me of my mother.”

“Your mother?”

“She passed away and had abilities like I did.” The curse that runs through your blood, tainting your future and your eyes. But she never saw it the way you did. She always called it a ‘gift’. Something you’ll never understand and unfortunately, never have the opportunity to ask why.

Your mother was a kind woman, so much so that it came at the cost and expense of herself; generous, charitable and selfless in the ways that you’re not. And she loved her child too much - she loved you more than you actually deserved. Your father was benevolent in the same way. But the memories you do have of the two of them are far and few between.

You wish you could remember. But at least they remember you.

“You’re here early.” Jungkook’s eyes are reddened like fire as if he didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. “C-come in.”

Namjoon enters while whistling, not bothering as he flops down on the couch. Hoseok greets Jungkook’s mother, asking if the night went well and if she needs anything at all. You take your time slipping off your shoes, lugging in your plastic bags. When Jungkook stares intently at them, you lift them for him to see. “Groceries. I’m making food.”

“Y-you are?!”

He stares at you in such wonderment that you can’t help but raise your hand and brush his messy hair. Jungkook’s eyes widen and he looks like a deer in headlights with his rounded orbs. You walk past him, right into the kitchen. And he’s left there, grounded into the floor, reminded of the way his own mother used to ruffle the strands of his brown locks.

“Are you going to stand there all day?” You hold up some leeks and the boy comes scrambling over.

“I’ll help! I’ll help.” He begins to wash down the vegetables and he grins. “So...is this our first date?”

“I don’t date young brats like you.” You tease him back as he pouts. “Only strong men who fight for their life.”

As he begins to chop the carrots, he leans over. “Should I join the army then?”

You stifle back a laugh. “You wouldn’t last a single day.”

“Hey! I’m a man, you know! I’m not a minor anymore.” The banter goes back and forth while Namjoon takes a nap that he doesn’t need, Jungkook’s mother is listening with a smile, watching as her son brightens up and Hoseok is content with you just being happy.

“What is this?” Hoseok asks as he looks at the spinach floating in the pot. “It looks disgusting.”

“Are you a child?” You scold him with a scoff. “You’re not even the one eating it. Move aside.”

He whines and you’re about to give in, scooping it out to appease him but then Jungkook returns from the pantry with a frown. “Who are you talking to?”

“No one.” You say quickly without a change in your blank expression. “Mostly to myself.”

Jungkook shoots you a strange look but doesn’t say much else. You don’t either, not when you’re listening to his mother. She hovers over your shoulder, instructing you like a nurturing teacher. Her recipes are ingrained into her mind and she tells the correct measurements of each ingredient, how long you have to cook it for, each and every detail to create the dishes she wants. You become the ghost’s hands.

It takes hours before you’re done cooking the meal. And you set it up nicely on the table, sitting across from Jungkook. “This looks...amazing.” He sniffles and swallows hard, meeting your eyes. “Thank you.”

His silver spoon dips into the familiar warm soup and he brings it to his parted lips, taking a sip.

As it registers inside his head, he drops the utensil. It ‘clacks’ against the bowl and in the stillness of the air, Jungkook bursts into tears. The droplets stream down his cheeks as he casts his face to his lap. It tastes exactly like how his mother used to make it.

“Happy birthday to you.” You begin to sing quietly. “Happy birthday to you.” The boy lifts his head up and stares at you past his water soaked eyes. “Happy birthday, dear Jungkook.” He wonders who you really are. “Happy birthday to you.”

In your eyes, the orbs that can see beyond, Hoseok is sitting next to you. Namjoon is on your other side and Jungkook’s mother is sitting beside her son, clapping her hands and grinning past her own drenched cheeks.

But in Jungkook’s eyes, in the entire home, it’s just you and him sitting around the dinner table.

[Four Months Ago]

Day in and day out, Jungkook is working.

He is tirelessly working until his hands have peeled from scrubbing mountains of dishes in the kitchen. Until his feet have bled from waiting tens of tables, all while slapping a smile on his face to appease customers. He has never been the child he should have been, accompanying his friends after school, fooling around and laughing without restraint. Jungkook has never lived the life of freedom that people his age should live.

Each hour that he wastes is money lost, sleep lost, studying that needs to be done.

“So, you can’t go tonight?” A coworker of his asks, hope diminishing as she analyzes his face.

“I’m sorry.” He turns around and masks his own disappointment, “I have a thing to go to.”

And that thing...is his mother.

His sick mother who has been this way for as long as he could remember. Hospitalized. Pale. Vomiting. Incurable. He doesn’t remember when it began like this, when he began to despise seeing his own mom. Jungkook loves her and it hurts to see this way. But he’s tired.

He’s exhausted of fighting for her at the cost of himself.

“Jungkook.” His mother softens into a smile, several tubes running in and out of her arm, one sticking into her nose. She can’t even lift herself off the bed to greet him. And she doesn’t know how the last ten hour shift has made him detest her even more.

“H-how….” The woman is out of breath. “Was...sc...hool?”

Jungkook scoffs and rolls his eyes in disbelief. She doesn’t know how he stopped going months ago. She doesn’t know anything at all. She can’t do anything on her own. His mother is useless, getting sicker and sicker...throwing up…. disgusting.

“It was fine.” He brushes her off. “How are you?”

“F...ine…” She smiles at her son and Jungkook sighs.

He finally knows the word. The word to call his mother-

Burdensome.

“You’re not my neighbor, are you?” Jungkook wipes his face, “I-I looked into it and no one has moved into this neighborhood. So...w-who are you?”

You take a large inhale, bracing yourself to reveal the truth. “I’m fulfilling your mother’s last wish.”

The boy across from you nods as he begins to cry again. He nods again and again, gnawing on his bottom lip to try to retain his emotions. “I believe you.”

Tears begin to flow and you can feel his heartache, the agony that makes his entire body shake. His mother is by his side, worried that he’ll become sick from crying. She brings her hands to wipe away his tears but upon remembering that she cannot touch him, she leans over to grab a tissue. That, too, passes through her hands and she sighs softly.

The unconditional love she shares for her son torments you and stitches you back at the same time. It makes you whole. It makes you desperate. As you watch the woman fuss to her child that cannot see her, ignoring her own sorrows and tears….You can feel it.

It’s the fuzzy blanket that is wrapped around you, shielding you but then it is ripped away. It’s the touch and kiss of an infant that coos in your arms. But as you pull the baby closer, it dissipates into thin air. You’re walking blindly in the dark, arms out in front of you, screaming into the oblivion, asking yourself when this all went wrong. You’re begging for an answer.

You know this regret.

[Three Months Ago]

“Sh-should….we celebrate….your…” His mother wheezes once but still forces her words out. “...birthday together?”

Jungkook scoffs, “Why?”

“I’m….so...rry…” Her shaking hand tugs the oxygen mask off and she smiles. “I’...m….no-..t...the mother….I’m...suppose...to...be.”

He sighs and looks away from the window, finally to his mom who’s laying in her bed. “It’s not your fault.” And it really isn’t. Jungkook knows she has no control over her sickness. If she did, she wouldn’t be in this situation and he wouldn’t either.

“For my birthday…” He hums and thinks for a while. “Let’s just have a meal together. I think that would be nice. Cake, too, maybe?��

“O...kay…” His mother nods slightly, “I promise...you.”

With doting eyes and trembling fingers, she slowly lifts her arm to brush her son’s hair. But before her fingertips can make contact with his brown strands, Jungkook slaps it away.

“Don’t do those things.” He bitterly looks elsewhere. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

She lowers her hand, smiling at him. “Okay.”

The doctors don’t leave her room with good news, never entering with it either. They simply look at her charts, shaking their heads and mumble under their breaths. They don’t tell her but she doesn’t need them too. Maybe it’s because she felt like she saw a black cloak appearing at the corner of her eye and the scent of disintegrating ash lingering in her nose, but she knows.

Time is running out.

“Are you sure this is alright for you, Mrs. Jeon?” The nurse asks as she places the birthday cake on the table in front of her.

“Y-yes…” She gasps out. “G-ood.”

“I think your son will really appreciate celebrating his birthday a bit in advance.” The woman in scrubs takes a glance at the clock. “He should be here soon, right? As usual?”

“Yes…”

But Jungkook doesn’t come that evening. He decides that it’s the day he’ll give in to his friend’s invitations, be a normal boy his age; eat a warm meal, wander around, sing at a karaoke bar, laugh and not be restrained by time. And Jungkook truly enjoys it. There’s nothing holding him back. Nothing that’s….burdensome.

“Are you joining us to the next place?” His coworker asks and he takes a peek at the time.

“You know….maybe next time.” Jungkook decides he’ll check in with his mother, despite already visiting her every single day. The responsibilities and obligations don’t disappear as much as he wants to ignore them. “I have somewhere to go.”

As the crowd draws away with him, he turns around and asks himself why he can’t join them...why he’s always weighed down by-

“Jung...kook…” His mother wheezes, having waited for him for hours on end. She smiles sheepishly. “You...made it…”

And before he can ask her why a cake is there, why she’s not sleeping yet and why the lights are still on - his mother slumps down and her heartbeat flatlines. She’s still smiling. “Mom?” It’s a constant beep, one that burns into his ears. Jungkook is frozen in his spot, the universe swirling around him.

He opens his mouth to say something...anything...but the doctors push past him. “Incubation!”, “Her pressure is falling!”, “Dial up to five hundred!”. In the swarm of strangers, Jungkook limps forward and crashes beside her.

“Mom. You….promise..d...me-...”

He didn’t get to become a good son. Jungkook didn’t get to apologize. He didn’t get to say his goodbyes.

“Mom!” He didn’t tell her that he loves her. “Come back!”

The food is still on the table.

Jungkook’s mother, Namjoon, Hoseok and you surround it while watching Jungkook sob out his eyes and releases the grief he’s held with a tight grip. “I didn’t...I didn’t treat her well.”

“I never got to fulfill my promise, Jungkook.” His mother shakes her head while you repeat her words slowly. “I’m sorry. No son should have to watch his own mother die like that.”

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t ever healthy. That I could never take care of you. I couldn’t even pack you lunches, pick you up from school...I couldn’t even follow through with my promise and celebrate your birthday. What kind of mother am I?”

“The best mother that I could ask for.” Jungkook weeps into his hands. “I-I miss you and I love you, mom. I’m-...sorry. I was a bad son. I was a bad son.”

“You aren’t.” She laughs and one that is full of life. “You’re my son. Which makes you the best.”

Jungkook mourns her death and you slowly go over to him, embracing his trembling frame. He grabs onto you, muffling his wails and whimpers into your clothes. His mother raises her hand to try to stroke her son’s hair, hovering over slightly. You mimic her actions, brushing your fingertips through his strands.

“I made you work hard but you can rest now, Jungkook.”

That night, Jungkook eats each and every dish on the table. He cleans it completely like he’s been starving for months, furiously as he cries every now and then. The boy savours the taste and imprints it into his mind as his mother’s last cooked meal for him. You watch him, across the table, knees gathered together.

Jungkook eats and eats until the clock strikes midnight and his birthday is over.

His mother’s last wish becomes fulfilled and she is able to leave onto the other side in peace.

Her arm is looped around Namjoon’s and she smiles joyfully. “You know the last time someone held me like this was my husband…”

The Reaper smiles, “Is that so?”

The woman turns back again, beaming at you thankfully before murmuring her last words to her son. When the white door to the other side disappears and the house is as quiet as Jungkook’s ears, you echo the soft syllables.

“Happy birthday, Jungkook.”

When people die, it’s difficult to imagine the aftermath.

Some worry that others will forget them, an empty funeral, a grave left abandoned. They try to make a lasting impact or they fret and worry. Others don’t care at all. And a few disregard the people they love and those who love them. They forget about those they’ll leave behind.

But even if the entire world does not shift over a single person’s death, the memories they leave behind with a handful, a dozen, a bunch or even one doesn’t change. It lasts.

Death is not the end. The story does not end. It continues. And the legacy isn’t forgotten.

Jungkook is kneeling at his mother’s grave, sponge in hand and water-filled bucket by his side. He uses his strength to scrub down her gravestone, cleaning every inch of it off. You’re crouched beside him, taking care of the weeds.

“Do you think she left to the other side peacefully?” He asks you as he wipes away his sweat and scrubs harder. Jungkook doesn’t care if his hands will peel or his feet will bleed. The pain is taken away by the memories he spent with her, laughing in her small room, holding her wrinkled palm, letting her fingers smooth over his hair.

He remembers the birthdays that they did spend together.

You look over to Namjoon and the Reaper nods. “Yes. She did.”

“Good.” Jungkook grins, his doe eyes no longer telling a story of being lost, wandering blindly in the dark. His eyes rather resemble his mother’s. “That’s good.”

The burial place is an endless green field, vivid and colourful for the dead. The grass grows tall and untamed in between the straight rows of tombstones but the bouquet flowers add hues other than verdant green and gray. When the trees rustle and the leaves twirl down, Hoseok pulls Namjoon away.

“Do you know?”

The Reaper cocks his eyebrow and smirks, about to ask what the ghost means but he already knows. “I have no power to restore your memories and there’s no reason for me to. It would make you and a bunch of others more reluctant to leave anyways.”

“Why don’t I remember, Namjoon?” Hoseok looks around him, ripping his head apart, wondering if one of these stones are of him. If his true body is buried six feet underneath him where he’s standing. All he wants is to know. What kind of person was he. Who it was that was important. Why he’s still here and being held back. “Why?”

You stand up, glancing around to where the both of them have disappeared off to and when you catch them a while away, you raise your arm to signal that you and Jungkook are finished. A smile takes place on your lips and Hoseok gazes at you in desperation. Why?

Why can’t he be with you?

Namjoon exhales, scanning the premise, amazed at the amount of souls he’s taken. Then he vanishes, his black cape whisking him into a shadow.

His voice is the only thing that remains. “Do you need to remember?”

#bts fanfic #hoseok angst #jungkook angst #hoseok fanfic #bts scenarios #hoseok scenarios #oh man oh man oh man

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dellaliz19 · 7 years

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Things I really loved about Spiderman: Homecoming in earnest!

Spoilers!!

1. That it felt new) Look, it needs to be said first off that Homecoming had the added pressure of not just being a good movie, but being a new and different take on the THIRD reboot of a character in 15 years. That’s a really hard thing to do, and they nailed it. Holland’s Spiderman is distinct and his own while also feeling like the character, and the world he inhabits and the story the movie tells feels Spidery without feeling like we’ve seen it in the last two reboots.

2. World building) The Marvel universe - when it’s not featuring in its massive collab films - always needs to find a way to feel connected, and not only did Homecoming succeed at this, it also found a great way to build on the Marvel world. The Captain America PSA’s were funny, but they also really helped shaped the idea that this is a world that has had superheroes for more than half of these kids lives. Same with Keaton’s daughter’s picture at the beginning, or the game of Fuck, Marry, Kill that the girls play with The Avengers; this is a world with superheroes that feels lived in and that was great.

3. Vulture) Speaking of world building, I loved everything about Keaton’s Vulture. Marvel villains - beyond Loki - have always been just a little bit meh, but Vulture was perfect for the story they were telling. His whole story was a fantastic “view from the bottom” look at the Marvel Universe. A regular guy (in a tough economy) who is just trying to provide for the best life for his family, and is doing so by profiting off the “scraps” of what the Avengers leave behind. I LOVED that Vulture didn’t try to take over the world, or that it wasn’t really personal for him. Yeah, he loses a job because of Tony and didn’t like him, but he was just stealing from him because he had the stuff he could steal, and not say, building a villainous and overly complicated revenge scheme because he got stood up at a party once (side eyes Iron Man 3 just a little bit).

4. Vulture and Spidey’s dynamic) Damn, that was a reveal done right. I’ve never jumped once at a Marvel movie, and Homecoming had me do it when Liz’s mother comes into the frame behind Peter. It’s a totally innocent moment, not even really a jump scare, and that is a true testament to the tension in that scene. Also, the fact that Vulture clearly respected Peter was great; he thanks Peter for saving his daughter, doesn’t sell Peter out in jail. I kind of felt like part of the reason Peter doesn’t take Tony’s offer was because some part of Vulture’s “little guys” speech had sunk into him, and that’s a really great dynamic between hero and villain.

5. Continuity Easter eggs) The comic heavy hints are great (like say, Donald Glover’s character as Miles Morales uncle), but I’m a sucker for in universe Easter eggs, and Homecoming delivered. Things like principle Morita having a picture of the Howling Commando he played in Captain America; The First Avenger were fantastic little nods that you didn’t have to have any comic book knowledge about but still were really rewarding.

6. Ned) I love Ned. I loved that he was quirky and uncool and totally cool with that. I even love that he was out of shape; it’s always great to see positive portrayals of people not just of different races but of different body types, and I love that he was never bullied or made fun of for his weight. Also, I just really loved that Peter had a friend (that wasn’t Harry Osborn). I genuinely can’t remember if the past 2 Peter Parker’s actually had a friend that wasn’t Harry (and thus weighted by the knowledge he was going to end up a villain) and it was so nice to just have Peter seem like a real kid who has friends and hobbies.

7. That Peter felt like a kid) Homecoming nailed this in a way that the last two series never really did. Admittedly, the fact that Holland is much closer to the age of the character he’s playing than the two previous helped, but the movie did a great job of it in other ways. That he’s never driven, that he’s susceptible to peer pressure and just wants to be well liked; Peter felt like a real teen who had this situation thrust upon him and that was fantastic.

8. In media res) You cannot know how thrilled I am that Homecoming skipped the whole death of Uncle Ben and spider bite thing. The death of Uncle Ben especially; yes, it’s important to shaping the hero and the man Peter becomes, but it’s also been done twice in recent memory, and leaving it out took guts (and not even a dream sequence like say, the recent reboot of some other dead superhero parents). Instead Homecoming treats the audience like they’re smart and just alludes to it, and the spider bite, and I’m so for it. Homecoming feels like we still get to see an origin arc without all the trappings of the origin we already know, and it works 100%.

9. MJ's new character) Look, there’s a bit of a pin in this one, which I’ll explain at the end, but I really liked this new adaption of MJ; the little we got to see of her at least. No, she wasn’t the same character as in the comics or the Rami films, but again, I really admire the fact that they were risky enough to try new things. Also, her little arc; “I have no friends,” to “my friends are up there,” to “my friends call me MJ” was this neat transition from loner girl to decathlon captain with friends and I found it really sweet.

10. The web in the suburbs) HAHAHA OMG this was my biggest laugh in the movie. I’ve literally joked with my sister that Spider-Man is a hero who really only works in New York (one of the most vertical cities in the world) and having that scene play out was just perfection.

11. WHAT THE FU-) Second biggest laugh by far, but I am SO down with Aunt May knowing about Spider-Man. The “hiding my secret identity from my loved ones” is a cliche that’s worn pretty thin, and I am here for the next movie where May knows.

12. Pepper) I don’t care what you think of Paltrow; I love Pepper Potts, and I love her relationship with Tony. I don’t even mean that on a shipper level; Tony and Pepper really have always felt to me like the best balanced, healthiest and most real MCU couple, and the fact that they were on the outs in Civil War (because of what was likely the cost of having the actress be there) sucks. Homecoming fixed that, and it did it in such a characteristic way; Tony asking for the ring as a media diversion, Happy having it for 9 years, Pepper just rolling her eyes at their antics and Tony catching the ring anyways (hinting at it being semi serious) was just this perfect 2 minute look at their dynamic.

13. Tony and Peter) I loved that that mentoring relationship felt very true to both their characters. That at the start Tony wanted to be a mentor but didn’t really know how to and that Peter just wanted his approval and how, by the end Peter had grown into someone that deserved Tony’s respect, and that Tony had become a better mentor by being able to let him walk away and acknowledge that not joining the team was best for him. Also; “I wanted you to be better than me,” and “if you’re nothing without the suit than you shouldn’t have it,” are just great lines. A+.

14. “Come on Spiderman” and the building on top of him) Like, that whole scene, just, perfection. Tom Holland owned that scene, and it was both agonizing to watch his pain and his desperation, and utterly uplifting to see him triumph. A+++

Thing I wasn’t so crazy about:

1 . The MJ reveal) Look, I said there would be a pin in that and here it is. If the Vulture reveal was the perfect example of how to do a twist reveal right, this was a pretty textbook example of “a twist just for the sake of a twist.” A good twist or reveal should change the mood, the dynamics and the stakes. Finding out that the villain was the father of the girl Peter had spent the whole movie evolving his relationship did all of those things. Finding out that Zendaya’s character- who is literally called Michelle once, right before she announces herself as MJ - does none of that. Her being MJ rather than Michelle doesn’t change her arc or her impact on the movie at all, especially given how little of her we see in the movie. I honestly think it would have been much better if she’d been MJ from the beginning. Having this new iteration of MJ - who is really different from previous ones - would have given the audience time to acclimatize to her take on the character. Instead, it’s played as a reveal with utterly no stakes, and I think that’s an unfortunate sign that perhaps they didn’t believe enough in their version of the character to stand up on her own merit, which is pretty disappointing.

#spiderman #spiderman homecoming #marvel #mcu #spiderman homecoming spoilers #peter parker #tony stark #pepper potts #captain america #avengers #mj watson #vulture #aunt may #uncle ben #iron man

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