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night-dragon937 · 3 years

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Finally Finished the Sanders Sides Set and Why I’ve Disappeared in September

First off, good stuff!!!!

Finally complete Logan cosplay!!!! (soooo difficult to find striped blue ties that aren’t 40-60 usd)

The tie is tied horribly and I have no clue how to make these smaller or I would, but all six!!

Proof ^^^^ lol

(note: i typed this up in the beginning of october and didn’t want to post it cause it made me feel bad. i’m feeling slightly less bad about it, so i’m going to post this before i just decide to delete it. but i want those of you who care to know to be able to know)

Aaaand the bad news. I’mma add a split right here in case you don’t want this negativity in your day, I totally understand!

tl;dr basically I didn’t have access to social media during september and atm i only have access to tumblr, and even then i’m risking a lot every time i use it-

below is what exactly transpired in that month...

A few of you know how bad my home life is (if you don’t, it’s pretty bad...)

After I told my therapist about the incident I posted about on here (I don’t expect you to go read it, there’s a ton of tw’s), she said that she was legally required to call CPS (child protection services) because it was an instance of child abuse (no way...). So they called the day after we made the report (which, i had an anxiety attack while retelling events cause it was fairly traumatic to me, as well as past events...) and my parents found out that I was involved in making the report. My (step)dad was ranting about how he’s such a great parent and now for some reason people and going to come and take his boys away (my younger half siblings, his blood children...) and he’s going to have to get a lawyer to keep his family intact. My mom was at work at the time.

She came home early, and the four of them had a private little talk upstairs, then they came down and mocked and berated me for telling anyone about what had happened. They blamed me for what I’ve gone through and told me to stop playing the victim. The lady came over and was rather sweet. She started off just asking questions, getting a feel for what was going on. My parents pretended to be very nice and very concerned. When we got down to the core of the issues (my queerness in relation to their christian beliefs), the lady revealed that she was a christian and totally understood why they were doing the things they were dong. she validated their actions. the exact ones that warranted a cps call for child abuse from my therapist and her clinical supervisor.

they kept acting like the things i was saying never happened, and lying right to the lady’s face and discounting anything i said, all four of them saying that i made things up and lied about things. they said that i was holding them hostage by threatening to kill myself. repeatedly. the only times i’ve mentioned wanting to was in the context of them being really toxic towards them and me attempting to listen to their request of me being open with them and letting them know how their actions and words were making me feel and asking them to stop because it was making me really bad. they lied to her and said horrible untrue things about me.

So my parents decided to take all social media away from me. they almost deleted my accounts. they disabled youtube and fucking chrome on my phone. i couldn’t open a single web page for a month (until i was able to borrow this laptop from the college). all my healthy coping mechanisms (looking up tiktoks/vines on youtube to distract myself, watching positivity vids on youtube, reading fluffy fics on ao3 to cheer myself up, looking up positive content on different social media platforms, getting validation from friends over social media, etc) were taken away. they then told me that if i accessed social media, they would take away my vehicle and phone. i drive half an hour to work most days, i need my vehicle. my work schedule is on my phone, i contact work and other people with my phone. i use music on my phone (my most important coping mechanism). they also are making me pay car insurance for my vehicle, do more chores, and requiring me to hang out with them more. those are whatever, i don’t care so much. but hanging out with them causes me to feel bad, and they took away most of my ways of feeling better. i’ve been doing so much better since i started secretly using tumblr, my mom even noticed the improvement in my mood.

so yeah if i don’t get back to you, don’t post as much, disappear for a couple days... it’s because they’re snoopy as fuck and i have to do a lot to cover my tracks so they won’t find out. also, i return this laptop at the beginning of december, so i will be gone that month. that one month of hell. i am trying to get a laptop that belongs to me, but those are expensive and i need to save money, relating to the incident that happened last week that is too raw to talk about publicly yet.

#blog post #cosplay #sanders sides cosplay #logan logic sanders #tw rant #tw child abuse mention #tw queerphobia #tw homophobia #tw transphobia #tw suicide mention #tw gaslighting #tw cussing #cussing tw #tw swearing #swearing tw

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shijiujun · 5 years

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history3 ep 19 summary - GEMS, GEMS AND MORE GEMS, EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED

ALRIGHT! Summary today! You guys already know all the important gems of the story because I’ve been fucking yelling all night I apologise sincerely for the spam guys I truly do I know how annoying it can be but I’m so excited!!!!

We start off with TY already in fucking handcuffs and Zhao Zi standing there all hovering against the wall, and TY is obviously regretful as hell and so remorseful and also once again catatonic because his SF is in the hospital again because of him, and this time DIRECTLY BECAUSE OF HIM - although i’m super curious, in between everything when did TY have time to call zz? you know?!!! and zz turns up and he’s like OHHHH FUCKKKK and: “okay guys, one of you take ah zhi, and hi tang yi, sorry gotta handcuff ya, oops”

OMG MY HANDSOME DR JIANG IS BACK!!! he’s such a sassy little bitch i love it so much!! anw he comes out and his face is like ‘guys can’t you just give me a fucking break’ and then zz takes one good look and goes: “i’ll leave you both to talk”

dr jiang says: “you look worse than the guy who was actually shot, in there” and then sits down next to TY

ty asks how he is and LMAO dr jiang is all like: “how else can he be?! he’s awake and asking for HIS MAN (like literally, dr jiang said HIS MAN) and lol i just died (more gems from dr jiang: i think that police officer, his brain is sick, only then he’ll actually want to be with you) - anw basically dr jiang is telling TY that with TY being so adamant on revenge, it’s only SF that’s willing to be with him, and if TY continues to be like this, the only person who’ll get hurt is SF

AND DR JIANG STANDS UP TO TAKE A CALL AND HE IS FACE TIMING THE BROTHER OF THE EX-WIFE FROM RIGHT OR WRONG?!! CUTE AS HELL - IS THIS A HINT? I LOVE CROSS OVERS

then TY goes inside the room and that’s when he hears the beeping - the emergency patient beep? and that’s when we see TY scrambling over like a little chick in panic because he’s afraid SF is dead, and then he’s just shaking SF and SF is not responsive at all?! and then poor TY is about to do CPR (although yea TY babe maybe you might have wanted to call dr jiang or smth?!!!!) and that’s when shao fei goes: “if you worry about me, then don’t let me die”

FIRSTLY - SHITTY JOKE BECAUSE TY WAS ABOUT TO CRY HE WAS SNIFFLING ALR SHAO FEI!!!

SECONDLY - TY YOU SHOT HIM, SO OKAY, FINE, SF IS ENTITLED TO A JOKE OR TWO

omg it’s so tender and sweet the way SF grabs TY to sit down and then leaning his cheek against his shoulder and trying to convince ty that killing ah zhi is a bad idea you know?

and then ty stands up, walks away dramatically, and then promises sf that he’ll hand He hand and ah zhi over to the police

AND THAT’S WHY SF IS SO TOUCHED AND THEN HE JUST MOVES FOR THE KISS BECAUSE HE IS SO THANKFUL AND HE LOVES TY

and then OMFUCKINGGOD - HANDCUFFS + KISS IS A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN I LOVE THE WAY HE JUST, HE JUST-

TY LITERALLY JUST BROUGHT HIM CLOSER

SEXY!!!! YOU GO TANG YI

and then if you’ve seen my gifs alr, zz cockblocks them and turns up and goes: “i gotta take him”

ahahahah and then cue to emo team 3 scene and I FEEL YOU YU QI I FEEL YOU she’s like a metaphor for the fandom right now: anw zhao zi, jun wei and yu qi are there and they’re all drinking and yu qi is literally just sobbing about how the team is only left with them, and zz and yq are angry at chief and ah zhi for being corrupt basically

zz drinks and drinks (jun wei, responsible member of the party), and then he is a bit tipsy and walks home, and then he comes to this stairs area where jack is waiting (JACK DO YOU GOT SOME GPS ON ZZ?!) and jack looks at him carefully and goes: “you’ve been drinking? you’re not happy?”

poor zz is all: “of course not! i’m happy. i found out that when ppl have motives, they actually have another face, a facade - just based on this, i should celebrate, no?” /CUE MY HEART BREAKING

so zz is saying that he became a policemen because he wanted to do good things, to protect people, but look at chief and ah zhi?!

and then they kinda sit down on the stairs, and jack says: “i’m here to tell you that i have to go” and then that’s when zz says all those words that we heard in the trailer? (so i think they overlayed this angsty dialogue with the footage from tmr where zz shrugs off jack’s hand on him as they go home)

and zz is all why do you all have to go? everyone is leaving me - grandma, chief, ah zhi, and now you? and then he’s totally tearing up and OMG MY SMOL BEAN?!!!! - yeah he’s all that and then jack asks: “if you tell me not to go, i’ll stay for you”

OMGAHHH?!!!

so zz says: “don’t go”

AND THEN THEY KISS?!!!! AND THEN THEY KISS AND HUG AND CARESS AND WE END OFF THE SCENE WITH ZZ curling up against jack’s shoulder I LOVE IT!!!!

next scene is police chief - okay can i pls say that, for someone who’s actually a criminal albeit treated with some leniency because he owned up to his crimes, THAT IS A FUCKING NICE PRISONER’S ROOM?!!! like wow, taiwan police system, amazing

anw shao fei turns up IN THE FUCKING DAPPER SUIT?!!! altho i would prefer him in a single coloured suit, he should leave those lines and patterns to TY, also WHERE IS MY TY DROOLING OVER SF IN A SUIT SCENE?!! WHERE?! WHY DID U ROB ME OF THAT?!!!!

also that bow tie is damn fucking big is it just me

anw so xiao ya got married, and SF took a long video for chief to see, and chief is crying and everything (okay srsly if i knew my dad was a criminal and everything and was about to see jail time i would have cancelled the wedding because NOOOO DAD!!! but that’s just me) - also xiao ya and shao fei sibling-ish moments?!!! WHERE ARE THESE?!

anw sf and chief have a heart to heart talk, and that’s when chief says: “ah fei, actually, i hated you.”

CUE SF’S DISTRAUGHT FACE>?!!!!

and chief explains that it’s because he was so persistent, when everyone had dropped it he insisted on going after tang yi and then shao fei says: “but lao da, you didn’t stop me either”

lao da: “yeah, i didn’t”

sf: “and that’s because, even though you chose to be a father to xiao ya with your decision, you didn’t give up being a policeman, even with what you did. that’s why you didn’t stop me”

and awwww chief cries and sf sits next to him and they just comfort each other I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!!!

(although guys, srsly, what is with this long time skips? what’s going on? what day is it? what time is it?!!!)

next scene back at the police station, the rest of team 3 are clearing up ah zhi and chief’s stuff, and they all look miserable as fuck, and then GOOD AND SUPPORTIVE GIRL YU QI asks sf about how tang yi is, and here we find out tang yi is under house arrest pending the investigation results. yu qi asks, what if he goes to jail?

sf looks so sad at that but he says: “i’ll wait for him”

and then zz runs in and asks everyone if they’ve heard of the new hire, for the captain position? AND ISTG I THINK THIS MAY BE JACK?!!!!

next scene, our boy sf is meeting up upstanding citizen, recently turned dad CWH, and wow the sunlight on them, the lack of a shady setting and hair all styled nicely does a lot of things for a person HAHAHAHAHA - SF carefully calls him ‘uncle’ and then they talk about li zhen, and CWH has only praise for SF, that when everyone had written LZ off as a dirty cop only sf was clearing her name - THE IN LAW IS IMPRESSED GUYS!!! and then they get to talking about tang yi, and CWH is all self-pitying and dejected: “i just found my son but... i guess he and i, we can’t ever have a proper father and son relationship, can we?”

AWWWWW and this is when THERAPIST!SHAOFEI comes in, istg he’s been comforting everyone and solving everyone’s problems, amazing - he says something along the lines of: “ty needs a lot of love, so don’t give up”

and just from that line alone cwh knows that: “so you... and ty... are..?”

AHAHAHAHAHA IM DYING - and then SF gets all determined and says: “yeah we’re together”

cwh: LAUGHS “i’ve got no place to say anything, thank you for being by his side” - WOOHOOOOO CWH APPROVES OF HIS DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AMAZING

and then they fucking hug

oh god, this is one of the best hugs of the damn show

i swear to god, the best hug goes to cwh-sf, can you frickin imagine?!!!!! the tight, comforting hug?!!! do you know that?! that’s all i ever wanted from my CPs?!!!! but no we get it between father in law and son in law WHY!!! i mean it was really great i loved it but GOOD HUGS ARE SOMETIMES BETTER THAN SEX

BACK TO OMELETTE SCENE - so obviously even tho ty is under house arrest, sf has free pass to go in and out of the house, and they’re so sweet with one another

ty: “why did you go and bother with that old man?!”

and sf is all trying to mend the relationship between them, to remind ty that it’s okay to take ur time, but you’ve got a second chance (or third, actually), so you may regret it if you miss this opp. - and tang yi considers this, then changes the subject over food AS ALWAYS

the “I LOVE YOU” part comes up (pls see gifs) - and they’re all so sweet with each other?!!!! and just as sf is about to go in for more, ty is like “hey, don’t mess around, we gotta do our omelettes first” AND SHAO FEI HONESTLY JUST POUTS!!!! I FEEL YA SF

and okay is it just me or do the omelettes look not so nice - the right side one especially AAHAHAHAHAHA and they banter over putting the ‘dead face’ on the omelette and sf is all: “i’ve taught you so many times!!! there must be a smile!!! why did you put that?!!” AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

and then we get the next scene, OKAY SO THIS IS THE PART WHERE I WAS LIKE WTF WRITERS DID U GUYS REALLY GO THERE?!!!

FIRSTLY, THEY BLURRED THE COMIC ZZ IS READING ON HIS BED

SECONDLY, HIS HAND ACTION? ARE U KIDDING ME?

SO HE’S BASICALLY READING WEIRD STUFF AND LIKE jerking himself off?!!!!!!!! like okay writers, we could have done without this scene, srsly, i mean either you do it entirely OR YOU DONT - IN THIS CASE I PREFERRED - DON’T!!!!!

EDIT: OKAY SO HE WASN’T - went back to look at the shot after and yes i was blind - but they really were setting it up for that!!! come on so suggestive that under blanket hand movement?!!!! i’m glad it wasn’t but OMG MY EYES for a moment i wanted to die but our zz is pure and he wasn’t touching anything weird sorry guys bad eyesight

then jack turns up at his house with a bag (that LOOKS DAMN LIGHT?! JACK WTF WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES DID U TURN UP WITH AN EMPTY BAG?!)

so jack basically moves himself in - amazing

OHANA GUYS OHANA MEANS NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND!!!!

and they kiss, and jack bend zz backwards on the table (hygiene, but then again, jack will clean up anyway)

QUESTIONS:

would have love to find out more about LZ and TGD and wtf was going on properly - it’s hinted at but LOOPHOLES GALORE

ALL THE SCENES I WANTED ARE OUT - WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENIGN TMR?!

omg today was 35 min, and i fricking pray that tmr at least will be 15-20 min LIKE IF U END IT IN 5 MINUTES, we’re all gonna die, then i prefer if we’ve shifted scenes from today to tomorrow

although i have some hope because they’ve got to resolve still, jack and zz, and then ty’s ‘sentence’ if there is, and then grave scene and then the sex scenes if we do get them as promised, idc if we get them or not AS LONG AS WE GET AT LEAST 15-20 MIN WORTH OF CONTENT TOMORROW!!

#history 3: 圈套 #history3圈套 #history 3: trapped #history3: trap #history3 spoilers #spoilers #summary #SECOND LAST ONE EVER GUYS #IM DISTRAUGHT MYSELF

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just-bpd-thoughts · 6 years

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As a child did you ever feel like your emotions were more unstable than everyone else’s? Like of the little glimpses of childhood you can remember are filled with times you overreacted out of fear or disappointment, when every other kid would be a lot less upset? Except that whole overreaction still stays with you? To me I’ve become more aware of it but it’s much more frequent.

Absolutely! I used to make a big deal out of absolutely everything, and I still do sometimes. I can’t think of any specific examples from childhood at the moment, but it was like.. I’d plan some event or something in my head and then it wouldn’t end up being the way I wanted it and I’d start crying and I’d get really depressed about it. It would often result in me getting called a spoiled brat, but I knew that me being a brat wasn’t the reason, but I also didn’t know the reason, which was even more upsetting because I couldn’t defend my actions. It was incredibly confusing and caused a lot of distress. I think that it might be a trauma related reaction, because there was a more recent occurrence where I was actually able to figure out what was wrong with me.

I’m poor. I’ve lived in poverty my whole life, even if I didn’t know it growing up. As a result, there isn’t always a lot of food in the kitchen for me to eat on the nights that my stepdad doesn’t cook (my mom usually doesn’t because she’s handicapped). I usually end up eating ramen noodles, baked potatoes, pizza rolls, or hot pockets. But sometimes I get really sick of them and I start to feel like there’s nothing to eat even when there obviously is. One night about a month ago, I got home from a friend’s house before my parents did. Then when they got home, they had just gone out to eat without me. And they had this tiny little to go box that they said I could have. In my head, it wasn’t a whole lot, and wouldn’t be enough. And they completely disregarded me in going out to eat without me. And I started to have an unnecessary panic attack and I stormed off to my room to deal with it and sort through it alone. Upon entering my room, I realized that I was freaking out because of past trauma. i primarily lived with my dad in seventh and eighth grade, and he was a less than ideal parent. He wasn’t raised properly and he didn’t have any idea what he was doing trying to take care of two depressed preteens with a whole other slew of mental issues. My brother and I were defiant and angry because we wanted to live with our mom, and besides that, we were too depressed to do much of anything that was productive. So, we didn’t really do chores much. One of the chores we refused to do was clean the kitchen. After some time of not cleaning the kitchen, my dad thought that if he stopped going to the grocery store, we’d start cleaning. He couldn’t clean everything himself because he was handicapped and he was sick of working around the mess. So there was never food in the house, and all we ate was fast food.That didn’t leave much in the way of snacks, or the nights when he fell asleep early and didn’t get dinner. My brother and I threatened to tell our mom or call CPS, but he would tell us that they wouldn’t do anything because he was still making sure we had food, and as long as he did that, he wasn’t under any violations. Being twelve and fourteen, we believed him. The whole situation was really traumatizing, and that was what was triggering the response of “i have nothing to eat” when I did have something to eat. Now, I’m working through it with my mom and my therapist.

Sorry, this ended up being way longer than intended lol=

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Aaaa phewf a good but scary dayyyyy

I totally forgot i was due for a meeting with the Super Rehab Center For Brain Bads. Its like this intensive boot camp version of therapy, basically? Its a shared housing accommodation where you'd have individual nurses and do lots of lessons and classes every day to work on your particular needs, while also having a bit of a shared community and helping you ykbow meet other people like you and such? So its very scary but also could be really good for me but also its a big commitment and aaaa

Anyway you might recall i talked about this like a year ago and as far as i knew it wasnt actually an opyion for me and i'd got my hopes up/got my anxieties up all fot nothing. Well recently they just suddenly called me back and gave us this short notice appointment! I didnt even khnow i was on the waiting list!!

So yeah it was Big Anxious to go to a big meeting with them again and with different people and a more intense assesment and discussion of the possibilities. But also now i was worried cos i didnt know anymore of i should be here? Like they originally booked me in for this because was in a REALLY bad place mentally last year, like never going outsode for weeks and never cleaning the house and not taking my pills and not going to dpctors appointments and i was just desperate to do ANYTHING that could get me out of this shitty town even if it meant living in an intensive therapy hospital communal dorm thing for a year. And now i've improved quite a bit so i dont know if maybe i was worrying too much and this is something too drastic? Like man is this for people with more serious problems? Am i taking away resources that could be helping someone more ill than me? And also i never even started getting anxious about the size of thecommitment last time, i was just desperate to move house and i didnt even tgink about how i have to survive a year of extra anxiety to fight my anxiety...

So anyway we had that meeting today and i was so freaked the fuck out that as we speak right now i cannot actually fully see and im mostly touch typing. I had so much of a panic attack that i hit off the damn eye twitching dizziness super symptom hell and i nearly fainted when i had to stand up at the end of the meeting and walk out the door. Like holy shit so much adrenaline burning thru my braaaaaainnnn!!! Im gonna be exhausted in a minute i bet. But i'm extra proud of myself cos my new support worker richard said that it didnt show on my face how much i was panicking, i successfully managed to keep that anxiety attack under control and finish yhe conversation with grace! And he also said its no trouble when i ask him for help and stuff cos its not just his job but a job he loves, and he was happy to spend the day this way, knowing he helped someone like me through someyhinh so important. HE'S THE FUCKIN NICEST MAN EVER

also incidentally i also learned he's a SURPRISE GRANDPA?? Like not really, i mean he's more in the older adult range, but he just dropped it casually in conversation that he's 50 and i thought he was like 28?? I mean i have prosopagnosia so i suck at recognising facial expressions but i think even normal peopke would agree he looks hella young! Thats awesome he's even more smart and experienced than i thought!! No wonder he's been so amazing at his job! And he's extra awesome for how he's a dj if he didnt grow up as surrounded by computers and stuff, yknow?

ALSO A RELATED FACT:HE JUST CASUALLY DROPPED THAT HE'S A DJ

He has a fuckin 'sound room' in his house with 'a million microphones' and he brought it up cos i was sayibg about how i wanted to learn video editing and stuff and he said he can give me a free microphone from one of his spares! Damn i need to find a way to pay him back cps he won't take actual money for it, aaaa!! And also hehelped me remember the name of that one animation software i wanted to get someday, and he offered to teach me all his Super Secrets Of Getting Free Samples And Cheatibg The Time Limit. Like man u literally work for the government are u sure u should be sayin this? XD and i didnt actually say it was lets plays but i said i wanted to practise recording my voice to show my friends in other countries and help get less anxious. And then he started talking about podcasts so man for all i know maybe he watches lets plays too! He's gonba reccommend me some educational podcasts about science abd mental health and stuff :D

So yeah it all went way better than expected and i even got an odd chance to get to know my therapist on a more personal level and get some nice help with my hobbies! Also he's the only other person i've ever met who uses Paint Shop Pro 7! A friggin 1999 art software that i still keep cos im too dumb to learn a new one aaaaa. He validated me by agreeing that its very conveinient and comparatively newbie friendly, yes! But its having incompatibility issues since windows 10 came out so aaa i know eventualky i need to learn a new thing lol

Man my sypport worker is so damn awesome and its so rare i acconplish a good thing and have a good day and dont lose to my anxiety! I jus lt wish i wasnt still experiencing the horrible side effects of that anxiety lol. Typing this up helped distract me for long enough for my vision to clear up a bit but now my headache is extreme! I hate that pills take like an hour to kick in.

Man maybe i should order a takeaway pizza or somethin?? To celebrate not fuckin up at a chance to improve my mental health! And also cos its hard to cook things when you have no functioning eyeballs!

#bunn brain #im gonna use that as my tag for negative talk about by anxieties and day to day life stuff frkm now on

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flowurfields · 7 years

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i really need advice pls read

ok this is prob going to be long, bear with me idk what to do. i have this friend that i ranted about like a week ago the one who copied me and we just had issues in general (she had issues with everyone in the group) sooooo idk if i mentioned this but when my friends and i studied abroad over the summer my friends and i were close but not so much with my other friend (i’ll call her sally for sakes of the story). so during this trip sally felt excluded bc she’s just kinda full of drama and she started telling other people on the trip that her mom was like terminally ill or sick or something and saying how us excluding her made us look really bad it was just so random like her telling this to random people so that was like the first major flag. initially none of us believed her story bc sally has a history of lying about small things (like saying her keychain is from fendi when it’s from nordstrom, you know dumb stuff). anyways we had a hard time believing the story which i know sounds awful but that’s just how bad the lying had gotten. anyways, that was summer of last year.

after that experience the girls and i were just like saying it’s pretty bad if she lied about that because what if something serious actually happens like we’re not going to believe her the second time around you know? we didn’t actually find out the truth, but it was just safe to assume that it was a lie there was just so many holes in the story like how she said that her parents sent her on the trip to stay away from the hospital stuff but it just didn’t add up because we had to sign up for everything practically 6 months in advance (technically 9 as it was a summer abroad trip and planning process lasted the duration of the school year) so idk it just didn’t make sense especially since she had a younger brother at home and it just seemed weird they would only send her away if that makes sense. anyways, we never actually got to the bottom of it which i guess is a red flag just because she let it drop. i feel like if it was true she would give an update like, my mom is better or something like that. but the issue just disappeared altogether so idk big red flag now that i realize it.

ok so there’s been some up and downs with sally since the studying abroad trips. at one point we were SUPER close because she was helping me model for my portrait photography but the entire time she was copying me as a photographer (that’s a whole other rant). . anyways things got to a rough point after i called her out and rn it’s just kinda like a weird moment lol. but literally yesterday night she called me flipping out about an ‘emergency’ she called saying ‘you know how my dad has been sick?’ and i was like boi what. and she's like ‘ he’s been super sick and he’s been on these meds that agitate him and he’s been abusive. the other night i went into my parents room and i got knocked out by my dad and i had to be taken to urgent care’. etc. like already there were so many holes. like 1 idk if he knocked her out and she’s saying that her parents had to take her to urgent care it just doesn’t make sense. cps or something would’ve gotten involved right ? ? like they wouldn’t just not question her being knocked out idek. and then i was like ok if you’re getting abused you need to say something and she like didn’t really respond but she did say that she talked to the school’s counselor and said that the counselor had told her to just keep it low key basically and only keep this between her friends so that the situation doesn’t get out of hand (talk wise) and that was like another big red flag bc a therapist or licensed counselor would not say that they would definitely say to tell someone higher up like an adult or the cops right? and we go to a private catholic high school there is no way they would let that go unnoticed either they would at least call home or do something to get involved. things just didn’t add up from my perspective. she did open up to my other friend molly but molly told me that sally was telling her the mom was the abuser but sally was telling it me it was her dad so that was another issue idk

so here’s the dilemma. idk whether to believe her or not. because if she’s telling the truth then i need to step in or get her some help because both molly and i have been in abusive situations and we would’t want anyone else to go through that shit. but if she’s lying like that is so fucked up like beyond fucked up because you just don’t lie about that shit. she would be lying about someone being sick and then accusing her parents of abusing her. maybe there is truth in what she’s been saying and shes been stretching the truth? but even that is pretty fucked up like idek another reason it’s fucked up is she’s been using the situation to her advantage like she uses it to guilt us into stuff which is also fucked up. but idk that’s why idk what to do because if it’s true i need to step in and if not both molly and i don’t know how to expose this and get the truth out without starting shit so ughhdsfkdslfjdslkfjkl. i talked to one of my teachers who I'm close with and he’s trying to do what he can with what authority he has so idk we’ll see but yeah i just don’t know what to do because like i said if it is true i can’t just sit on that information idekkk idk if anyone even read this i’m going to lose like 11 followers but idec anymore

#flowurfieldstalks

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hhhvevo · 4 years

Text

Day 50 (2/13)

I wish you were still awake

There’s so much I want to still tell you

Idky I’ve been wanting to talk to you so much so often

I’m excited about Valentines Day, I have no idea why tho

It’s not like we’re together

But I guess I like the idea of more special days with you

I really like it

Probably because it brings us together lol

Remember Burgers and Brews? Just you me and a table, no phones, no friends, no distractions. That was an amazing night. I love those times where I get to pry your shell open and peer inside your life

I wish you loved doing it back

I know I would open up to you if you wanted to

I know I’ve tried.

I can’t make you want to

But that’s fine. I mean I’m not fine I’m hurt, but I also can’t force you to be interested in me or notice me or take me seriously or act like you want any of those things or to act like you want me or even just pretend a little bit like maybe even just a little would be okay

But it’s like I said, any amount of wanting on my part won’t make you want it

Want me

Whatever come se come sa lol the point is I wish you were still awake so we could talk and I wouldn’t just be spamming an empty screen and I wouldn’t feel as bad because you’d be here and there’s no one as comforting as you

Gosh there’s so much I want to tell you

I will not get this essay done on time. I’m so sorry about that, I know how mad that makes you. You know I’m busting ass on it mostly for you. You’re the first person who’s opinion actually made me want to change this badly. I think sometimes that makes me feel like shit, like even worse when I don’t get it done lol

I think that’s why I got so mad the other day and hung up on you. I know you were just trying to help me by telling me to keep working, but it reminds me of how poorly I’m doing and how you don’t always have faith in me. And how you chastise me instead of supporting me, like you look down on me sometimes. And how you’re disappointed in me when I’m already so disappointed in myself that I could literally reach under my skin and tear myself apart from the inside out to spare everyone the disappointment of my continued presence cause that’s all I’ve really ever been for the majority of my life

I guess that’s all the stuff I avoided saying when I hung up

I also avoided telling you about how I almost cried the entire bus ride to school, and how often you made the tears come burning up in those eternal 15 minutes, or how badly you made me wish I was just nowhere because people can’t stare at you if you’re nowhere and your throat can’t keep closing up here and the shame doesn’t reach nowhere and your brain doesn’t keep telling you over and over and over and over and over how badly it hurt to hear you say those things and how you hurt me worse than anyone else every time because nowhere dissipates the hurt into nothing and that’s all you ever do and think and be in nowhere is nothing

I figured you probably wouldn’t want to hear all that lol

And that’s totally fine too except that there’s no one else to really hear it anymore because you’re really the only person I talk to because all of my other relationships are superficial because I’m afraid of people I love abandoning me so I stopped having loved ones and letting people get close so that the attachments didn’t hold me back and I wouldn’t have to suffer the pain of loss over and over again

I did tell you that

You said, “Aw”

And probably something like “That’s not good”

I know it’s not

That’s why I told you

I don’t really know what i expected to come of that though, I mean I know you aren’t really good with that kind of stuff and that you aren’t a therapist and you can’t fix all my problems for me and this is a serious issue and emotional burden for anyone to take on so I guess I’ll just re-shoulder it and figure it out like I’m trying to figure everything else out idk lmao

God if only you were awake, this is soo much stuff I’m trying to say lmao!

I was also wondering what to say to you during the game today, that was the one thing I couldn’t figure out how to put into words lol

Cause I definitely don’t handle anger well after my really scarring childhood where my mom couldn’t control her anger and she used to take it out violently on me and my siblings all the time which also made my brother violent which made me angry and distant and weird and anxious all the time until I accidentally said too much one time and got CPS called and she told me she could never trust me again and she didn’t know how to feel about me living with her anymore cause that move really hurt her reputation as a public official, and that combined with all the really horrible stuff she’s said about me being a lazy self-absorbed bitch who she hates on multiple occasions, it really gave me the impression she didn’t love me! Along with the fact that she barely acknowledges that those things ever happened at all! And she also doesn’t really care to listen when I try to open up and talk about myself! Maybe I’m starting to see where that pain comes from! Wow!

Annnyways, the basketball game! The thing I remembered after being interrupted, cause boy isn’t that an issue. I really didn’t know how you wanted me to handle your anger cause I asked you multiple times to sit out if you didn’t want to be there cause to be there stewing in anger is not a very healthy way to manage your feelings and emotions. But that’s what you did anyways and it was really uncomfortable to try and be in a happy fun environment when you were not in a happy fun mood and interacting with you on accident multiple times really cut like a serrated knife to the funny bone because I want you to be happy but there’s no way I can force that on you and I don’t even know if you want me to cheer you up or if you even want me to talk to you or if you want me to try and sympathize or comfort you or even just ignore you and leave you alone and if you just find me annoying and frustrating to be around since so many other people do!!! They do that!!! they just fucking hate being around me because I’m loud and abrasive and I talk all the fucking time about nothing and nobody cares and they think I’m sooo fucking annoying!!! And you might think that too when you’re mad because I am! So! Fucking! Annoying OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! Like it’s so obvious cause If I wasn’t annoying I wouldn’t even be fucking spamming you with obscenely long messages like this I’d be working on my fucking essay! Which is late now because I spent sooo much fucking time here ranting about my annoying ass feelings instead of being a functional fucking person and just doing what I needed to do OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUUUUCH! And that’s probably why you can’t stand me either because I hate myself so much and I’m so depressed nad pitiable and that’s why you look down on me and don’t care about me except I know you care just not the way I want you to and I don’t know if I could ever get you to care after what I did but maybe you never could have cared because of who I am and that’s why you chose the way you did and why you really can’t forgive me because you think I’m trash like everyone else and I proved it to you because you wee waiting to see what you already know is true

But yeah it’s really whatever man nbd just keep doing you like sleeping and shit so rad good shit my dude lol

Ah man there’s just really so much in my brain huh? Jeez how crazy is that

Wow I think I’m gonna have a panic attack

I wonder if I should go wake you up

I really don’t want to bother you

But there really is no one as comforting as you

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