#(she glares at me) SHE IS MY FRIEND !!!
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Dry erase doodles I drew on the desk while I was at school because I was boreddd the sillys weeheeheehhoo
#Ignore the glare the lighting was sucky#Also pretend sandy is there I ran out of time to draw him but just pretend he's there 😭#Goose is there courtesy of my friend she wanted me to draw geese#legomonkiekid#monkie kid#lmk#tang lmk#pigsy lmk#mk lmk#mei lmk#They looked so much better in person sigh#Think this was genuinely the best mei I've ever drawn very prety ueue#I've gotten better at the eyes too! All of these came very naturally and they look fine too yippeeeee#Zaacoy art💫
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This. This. This entire conversation with Morrigan actually makes me want to sob. She and my Tabris always becomes close friends over the course of DAO; that, paired with the fact that my Tabris always romances Alistair, makes everything about this hurt so much more when you take DAO's ending into account.
Her confusion over why my Tabris didn't send her away. Why she didn't abandon her after they learned of Flemeth's plans. Why Tabris went out of her way to slay Flemeth and bring her the true grimoire. She asks Tabris why, and is baffled when the answer is, "I did it because I'm your friend," as if it's that simple.
The way Morrigan looks at the warden, the way her voice cracks when she says, "I want you to know that while I may not always prove... worthy... of your friendship, I will always value it."
She knows how this will end; Flemeth sent her with the wardens with the end goal of stopping the blight and obtaining the old god soul through the dark ritual. Morrigan knows that Alistair and Tabris are the only Grey Wardens here, and assuming they don't find more, one of them will have to die defeating the archdemon unless they agree to do the dark ritual.
With that context, her asking Alistair, "And what if a Grey Warden has forced to choose between the Warden he loved and ending the Blight? What should his choice be?" suddenly has so much subtext weaved through the words that I'm gonna start foaming at the mouth. She's practically telling Alistair that a warden has to die. She's scrutinizing his reaction to find any hint that suggests he would agree to the dark ritual in order to save himself and the woman he loves. And when he doesn't choose, she has her answer.
Morrigan made comments to Tabris about him, almost hopeful that their relationship was just a physical thing between them and not actually riddled with feelings... and then gives disapproval when Tabris says she loves him.
She doesn't want the warden to die; hell, she doesn't want Alistair to die, either; whether because she does actually care about him or because she knows it'll break her friend's heart if she loses him, or both!
Things would be so much easier if the only two Grey Wardens left to defeat the blight didn't fall in love, wouldn't they, Morrigan?
She knows that in the end, no matter the outcome, she will lose the woman she called sister and it's devastating.
Morrigan, who has never known true friendship. Who grew up isolated in the woods with an abusive mother and terrible implications for her future. Who discovered said mother planned to take over her body just as she did with her other daughters. Who doesn't understand kindness as it was rarely given to her without a catch. Who isolates herself from the others in camp. Who finally has a companion she cares about... and in the end, if her plan works and the dark ritual is completed, she'll end up pregnant and alone and wearing Tabris' resentment like a tender wound on her heart.
Or Tabris will reject the ritual, and will die to the archdemon.
Or her lover will.
I just- the dynamic between the warden, romanced Alistair, and Morrigan is so good and painful and rich that I'm gnawing on furniture as we speak.
#dragon age origins#dao#alistair theirin#dao alistair#dao morrigan#dao tabris#warden tabris#i'm replaying dao right now in case my recent written posts haven't made that obvious#the relationship dynamics the warden has with each of the companions is so so soooo good like there isn't a companion i dislike#i play into the slow burn with alistair's romance but it's not even just the romance aspect it's also their friendship too#playing dao and not romancing alistair would feel wrong at this point for me it's so crucial to the entire story and its development#and i love morrigan's friendship with the warden and how gutted tabris is when she comes clean about everything and offers the ritual#and then bails once everything is over and tabris is torn between hating her and feeling hurt and not wanting morrigan to be alone again#i talked more in depth about morrigan and the ritual in a previous post but it's a lot... especially when it comes to the witch hunt dlc#oh and then there's the friendship between tabris and zevran like don't even get me started on that sksksks i won't be able to stop#even a character like oghren who is the last person you'd think tabris would ever become friends with since he's y'know *oghren*#but i'll go on the record and say there's more to oghren that gets overlooked and overshadowed by his glaring flaws#and i don't wanna talk about leliana... she makes me too sad like ever since my last playthrough where i accidentally triggered her romance#while i was deep in alistair's romance i have a really hard time not reading into the things she says to tabris#in my last playthrough i dunno what i did but she confessed to tabris even though she was fully aware that tabris and alistair were togethe#and it was a *mess* okay like it really felt like we killed marjolaine and leliana was in a vulnerable position yet was hardened enough#to be like 'i know she and alistair are together but i'll take my shot anyway and attempt to break them up' like.... noooooo leliana D:#and the rest of the game it felt like she was bitter and still in love with tabris and i felt *horrible*#i just said i don't wanna talk about it but hhhnnngggg i'm taking extra precautions to not have a repeat of that this time#excuse my tag ramblings i'm just very passionate about dao and the companions okay#also want to note that this is my interpretation of morrigan's motivations based on how i play the game and my warden#so others might view this reaction and the warden/romanced alistair/morrigan dynamic differently and in that case#i would be interested to hear that different interpretations because those are always fun to read
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just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭
#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING#baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned#close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy#like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive#said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here#so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of#being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]'#which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words#and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF#LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF#one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED#and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum#tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would#like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice?#it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like??#and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister#and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN?#the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO#and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops#from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH#now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL#hella goes home
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some progress shots of my latest painting! maybe a third of the way finished with it? im looking to get it finished in time to submit to an art show :D
#ultramarine blue my beloved shes pulling a lot of weight in this#because im mixing my blacks now thank you painting four professor for telling me to mix my own blacks#burnt umber+ultramarine black my best fucking friend!!#sorry for the weird sideways angle on the pictures its the only way i can get pics without excessive amounts of glare#my art#oil paint my best fucking friend oil paint
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angela… shes less like a blorbo and more like a best friend to me. a best friend who got cancelled for being toxic as hell but a best friend nonetheless … like ill always defend her idgaf.
edit: I forgot I have the perfect picture for this post
#like idk she’s done 109028101 crimes and is banned in 23 districts but she is my friend#(she glares at me) SHE IS MY FRIEND !!!#its funny bc in lobcorp I was baselessly like Angela’s my bestie (angela actively swinging a crowbar at the players head)#and now in ruina im like ANGELAAAA SHES MAKING FRIENDSSS#i cant help but feel like :/ hey thats MY bestie? roland? but also. SHES MAKING FRIENDS 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶#I stand with my cancelled bestie.#SEEING HER FUCKING BACKSTORY OVER RUINA IS LIKE OH MY GODDD I ACTUALLY DONT WANT TO FUCK THAT OLD MAN ANYMORE EVEN#LIKE U KNOW ITS SERIOUS. IM LIKE OK PEEPAW YOU WERE GAY CAN YOU BE A GOOD DAD#pills I took like 5 hours ago still feel like they’re stuck in my throat hello? get them outta there…#she’s just so crazy and I love seeing her be crazy but also babe we are getting you to THERAPY I PROMISE !!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#if she doesnt get her happy ending im actually gonna vomit
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i already dont respond well to guys when i go out but i swear i getso nasty when im drinking and dancing with my friends and a guy tries to approach me. like there is NOTHING that will kill a vibe faster for me
#if im drunk i will just stop moving and start glaring until my friends say 'shes not interested sorry' for me bc. no#unreasonable? absolutely. not going to stop though#this is why i ONLY go out with a specific group of people. they know the drill
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everyone is always distancing themselves from me and i cant help but feel like im just deeply pathetic
#3/6 of my close friends from hs haven't talked to me. like talked to me properly in months#i havent hung out with 2 of them in a year#and the third one and i hung out TWICE this year#in 2022 we hung out like 8 times or something#i get that theyre busy but theyre not too busy to make new friends and travel and party?#so theyre just too busy for me.#and it's like ok so you reach out first!#and I've tried and failed#the conversations are so dry. the plans always fall through because something comes up#why does everyone always LEAVE#and its like 'always' is very black and white because the 3 remaining close friends haven't left#yet.#they haven't left yet but they probably will too!#and it's like ok well thats jumping to a conclusion. second unhelpful thinking style.#but then what about my parents? what about them when they find out im gay and kick me to the curb?#what about my older sister who'll sneer and glare at me in disgust like she has in the past?#what about my younger sister who needs to think about her own financial situation and will obviously side with my parents?#i was born and my life has been a tragedy since i took my first breath because my mother didn't want me and my father was disappointed#z.post
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bitches hate me 'cause im in my no fucks given era, and I'm like, 'stay mad darling'
#ice speaks#irl stuff#rant in the tags#moved into our new place a few weeks back#and had a big ass celebration after blessing the house#when an old family friend who used to babysit me told me that I've grown very big#and thats true#since we haven't seen each other since I was 10 (am 18 now)#but then my aunt just had to go and remark on my weight#keep in mind im a plus sized person and I was wearing a dress that day#and i said 'well as long as I'm healthy and happy who cares' without missing a beat#which shocked everyone because im not usually the confrontational type#i.e i just keep my mouth shut cause i genuinely don't see a reason to grace their taunts with a response#and im respectful to my elders usually#but i said it while smiling and putting on such an innocent face#that she had to agree with me and apologize in front of the 20+ people who were in the room#since she basically insulted one of the stars of the evening#she kept glaring at me after that#like maam look after your dumpster fire of a family before trying to talk shit about ME to MY FACE#you don't know that i remember what you talk about around me thinking I'm not paying attention or I wont understand what you're talking abo#also love how people think that out of everyone in my family I'm the most gullible and easily influenced#just because i dont react to what comes out of your mouth doesn't mean I am not paying attention#i may be quiet but that just means I'm more observant#on a much happier note i got a lot of compliments for my outfit and my hair#and i have a designated writing and reading spot which is making me more efficient and slowly curing my writers block
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fever dream? just woke up from some insane nightmare where I had 4 guns pulled on me and was accused of murder and somehow ended up in multiple other countries on the run with a close friend I can of course not remember but who seemed very willing to stand up for me no matter what. the cop who interviewed us was oddly nice but at this point I can’t remember if we were lying or telling the truth 👁️👄👁️ all I know is my sister tried to stitch me up so I’ll be having words
#brain what’s your deal#who was this friend#come back lmao#I don’t think my sister was purposely trying to make me look guilty but she just kept talking to the cop and I kept glaring at her
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yknow i still dont get how bpd is like- considered an abuser disorder cuz every time ive dated someone w/ bpd it was never the symptoms of their disorder that ruined the relationship
#liquorish rambles#last time i dated someone w/ bpd i dumped her cuz she actively encouraged her friends shittalking abt me#i could handle the mental illness couldnt handle someone being a two faced bitch#like girlie pop why are we acting surprised i didnt enjoy finding out you were mocking my interests with them?#she was like great besides that glaring issue tho#but maybe that is a symptom who knows#i dont have bpd im just a trainwreck of a bipolar asshole lmao
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I've been going through a very interesting, and important gender and gender presentation journey over the past four months, which culminated into a comment that has been bothering me for a while.
Since about mid-September, I've been slowly gaining a lot of self-confidence for various reasons, and I've also been looking at the parts of myself that I've hidden underground inside my mind for a long while. Including my own feelings about my own femininity.
For those who have known me for a while, you'll know I've always been more masculine leaning in presentation and gender. As it turns out, I sort of pendulum swing across the entire spectrum.
Me and the friend who's been by my side this entire journey (who, funnily enough, is the only allocishet friend I have), had this inside joke with each other that if I showed up to a meeting with the gang in a skirt they wouldn't know what to do. And so we eventually got me a skirt.
I can't begin to describe the amount of pure bliss I felt when I saw myself in it. I'd only felt that feeling once before, when my dad put one of his old ties on me for a fun little game we were playing in 2020. The only difference was that when that happened, I was still in denial about who I was. When I looked in the mirror, it was something I couldn't even begin to grasp onto. When I looked into the mirror just barely two weeks ago, I finally saw me.
And so we ended up making a whole "scene girl" outfit for me. This was revealed in almost its entirety a few days later, and we were right. They really didn't know what to do with me. With the exception of my mom and one of my oldest friends (who both said I looked cute, and I did! I felt cute!), the actual group I hang around with didn't know how to react to it. One of my friends just ignored the whole thing like it was normal (hurtful, but it's whatever), another kept asking when it happened and trying to wrap his head around the change (funny), and one eventually ended up saying something that's been bothering me.
Initially, they were really surprised I had legs because he forgot that I did. But later, when we were talking about a character that me and the aforementioned friend had made for a sitcom (a transman who dresses femininely for the most part), he turned to me and said "so like you, a transmasc drag queen".
While yes, that fits that character fairly well, it didn't sit right when about me. Because no, as it turns out, I'm not a transmasc drag queen. I'm not really . . . anything. When I dress more masculine, it's queer because it borders on tomboy/butch and transmasc (which, I know those terms can coexist, but I'm using it as a scale of masculinity because I can't explain it any other way), and when I dress femininely it's also queer because I'm someone who inherently goes towards androgyny/masculinity as my comfort expression.
Here's the funny part, though. Of the four people I hang around, three are queer in some way. The only one, the only one, who saw that I'm fine with fluidity in pronouns, jokes about my gender, and just sort of knew from the beginning that I was suppressing my femininity (which he told me after the Skirt Moment, so that was a fun night), was allocishet. I could get into all the weird shit that has gone on with me and the group, but the least queer person in the group understood, almost immediately, that I, the most verbally and visually queer of the group, enjoy funny little gender jokes. Hell, a few days after meeting I was doing something in my friend's kitchen and he said "oh sorry I was raised in a republican household, if there's someone in the kitchen I assume it's a woman".
So I guess what I'm saying, right now, is that I'm not any particular gender identity, I'm not trans anything, I don't really enjoy the fit of genderqueer even, I just. Am. And I wish that people irl would be willing to have fun with that more, rather than being so fucking afraid that I'm going to have a breakdown and kill someone for misgendering me.
#also this is like. really small.#but that allocishet friend didn't know my pronouns for the first week knowing me and when i wasnt there was she/her-ing me#and everyone would just. death glare him??? and not correct him???#like he was supposed to know???#one whole week of it happening!!! and he had to go and ask because they wouldnt tell him!!! like what!!!#its just. so weird that my friends are so protective of my identity in places that i dont give a fuck???#meanwhile one of their moms is protective of me because. and i quote. 'payton will give up things for others that they care about at their#own detriment' like that is the second most accurate reading of me anyone has given#idk i could get into the small shit that this group does#like how i used to talk about being in a constant state of disassociation and it was just 'eyyyy cool! me too sometimes!!'#or how i make a joke that im constantly touch starved and they still dont even really want me to hug them or anything????#idk small shit like that#or paytonisms#but i love them#so yeah. heres this ig ;-;#p bangs the keys
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tumblr just did a really good job of making me want to never pick up my phone again (aka making me go to sleep instead of dicking around on my phone) by recommending me not only a beatles tumblr blog but a rpf beatles tumblr blog
#hi my name is em and if i could i would go back in time to kill john lennon even earlier#hi my name is em and i HATE the beatles and no i will not elaborate or justify#it’s not even like a moral thing. well no it can be a moral thing but mostly it’s a#i see the beatles and go into a blind rage until i’ve removed myself from the situation#the teriyaki place by my house has a full beatles memorabilia wall so my roommates know if they make me drive them there they have to#listen to me rant about the beatles for at least three minutes#or watch me glare at the wall while we wait for our food#god it’s been a while since i’ve gone off in the tags like this#anyway don’t take this as like you are a bad person if you like the beatles. i literally don’t give a shit if u do or don’t#i just happen to really hate them#my best friend loves them to death and i bully her about it but that’s bc she’s my best friend#ok goodnight#em posts
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leo calls percy one of his hoes and percy calls leo his pimp
#i don’t make the rules#percy jackson#leo valdez#they’re besties#fight me#percy jackson and the olympians#heros of olympus#hoo#pjo#annabeth gets so annoyed every time#jason gets all upset and argues w percy over who’s leo’s favorite hoe#leo comes in with the#‘ladies ladies ladies! ur both pretty!!’#then he’ll grin and point at piper#‘but she’s my prettiest hoe’#and she’ll just wink and go ‘hell yeah i am’#sorry i love the seven as friends so i ignore most of canon#leo tried it on nico once but nico just glared at him until he left
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My mom was so excited to post my lesbian art on her Facebook and I'm just like not completely out as bi so I wasn't completely comfortable but bless her heart I love her support
#She was like I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY THINK I'M PROUD OF YOU#I love my mom#I told her the unfortunate truth was that her generation would be less likely to listen if the first thing they saw was two girls being gay#Makes me sad. I don't talk about the gay much on Instagram for the same reason. I love Tennessee but yeah#My best friend and I got run out of an ice cream shop by this intimidating guy that wouldn't stop glaring us down for sharing ice cream#I cannot help we look like a gay couple with our matching purple hair and her butch appearance
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Almost fell victim to my very first paypal scam!! Anyways always check who sent that email and confirm their validity before you do anything 👍
#coda’s rambles#my sister’s friend was the main victim but she wanted to use my paypal bc she doesn’t have one#honestly the only reason i didn’t go through with the scam is that since i withdrew my money a while back#i didn’t have enough balance for the amount they asked for#i was too pissed at my sister for disturbing me when i was busy so i didn’t see the GLARING red flags#anyways thank you to all my clients so far for being such lovelies that this experience felt wayy too off compared to my previous ones#i also got the interactions with the guy through my sister so i didn’t directly see their messages
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if someone flirts with me and I don’t realize that’s their fault for flirting with a dumb bitch
#whimsy whispers#looking at you handful of people#glaring even#again it’s not happened often I don’t have ppl sending me love letters and confessing their love in the streets#but I’ve had a few friends over the years flirt with me and fail and then eventually go ‘I like you’ and it’s like#jsut#just tell me that just start with that#flirting with me just sets people back because like I said I just assume it’s people being nice#I’m overly friendly and a people pleaser and gift giving js my love language as is pet names and again I am stupid and also nd with#a hard time knowing if ppl like me#never in a billion years will I ever be able to be certain someone is flirting with me#not that flirting is bad I imagine it’s quite cute and fun#i just lack the awareness one needs for flirting#and also I’ve been told by friends that I Am capable of flirting but the times they’ve listed as examples are just me talking to my best#friend#who I’m not flirting with I just love her a lot because she’s my bestie abdjjfjfjt#we in fact did date and I am aware that I wouldn’t seek a relationship with them in the future ahdjjfjrkr#I’m gonna fight all the people who flirted with past me#I’m half asleep and oversharing#goodbye
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