#(now everyone looking in the ‘chris pine’ tags can see the embarrassing poem i wrote about him when i was 12)
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tarot questions: the magician, the moon, the lovers, the empress.
Ah, a romantic Anon! Let me do my best to answer these questions with my absolute dearth of romantic feelings or experience…
The Magician: Have you ever written a poem or song about somebody else?
Yes, but never ones I’d show to anyone else (subject of the poem or otherwise).
Unless you count this poem I wrote about Chris Pine when I was 12:
I pine for Chris Pine!
I want him to be mine!
I think he’s rather fine,
And really quite divine!
And when the stars align,
Chris Pine will be mine!
And when I learn he’s taken…
I WHINE ABOUT CHRIS PINE!!!
That’s so far in the past at this point that it’s circled back from being cringey and embarrassing to being…well, still cringey and embarrassing, but I can laugh about it and share it with others. (And even then I wasn’t writing it completely in earnest—it was meant to be funny and badly-written.)
The Moon: Have you ever written a love letter?
Nope. Never really had occasion or reason to. (Not even fan mail to Chris Pine!)
The Lovers: Do you have a crush?
Yes! He’s tall, and dark-haired, and has a lovely low voice, and he’s 27 years old (a little old for me, I know), and he works as a bounty hunter in space and his name’s Spike Spiegel and…
Okay, fine. In all seriousness, no. I’ve had lots of fictional and celebrity crushes (Chris Pine among them!), but never a crush on a real, attainable person. And anyway, looking back, I feel like a lot of those fictional and celebrity crushes were actually just obsessive/hyperfixation feelings I wasn’t sure how to label. Like, I don’t think I actually had a crush on Harry Potter at age 10, I think I was just obsessed with the Harry Potter series in general.
The Empress: Do you think you will ever get married?
Oh, God. Uh. Maybe????
I would love to get married and start a family someday. I read romance novels or watch rom-coms and it just makes me want a partner, if only to feel all the happy romantic feelings I’ve been missing out on. I watch the happy little kids on Bluey or read parenting magazines/advice columns (a weird hobby of mine) and it reiterates to me how much I’d like to raise children someday, even though I’m terrified of the possibility of messing them up. I do want that in my future. (I don’t necessarily want to have sex or be pregnant, though; if I do have kids, I plan to adopt them.)
BUT, right now, marriage isn’t really something I can envision. Getting married to someone typically necessitates falling in love first, right? And I’ve never even had a crush, much less fallen in love, much less had someone I could call a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner or initiated a kiss. And sometimes this worries me—like I’m losing track of the trajectory to Adulthood™️ and at this rate I won’t find a life partner at the Normal, Expected Adult Age™️. I mean, obviously, as I said in the tags of this post, I’m not expecting to have found the one when I’m only 20, but haven’t most people my age had at least one relationship or crush? Felt something? Haven’t they at least had some practice?
But the thing is…as I currently understand it, romance, or those “happy romantic feelings I’ve been missing out on,” isn’t something you can control. You can’t turn it on and off at will like a faucet; you can’t just decide to have romantic feelings for someone. Trust me, if I could, I would have! This is why my current conception of my sexual identity is “asexual???????”, complete with all those question marks—maybe the clichés are right and I am just a late bloomer, or I haven’t found the right person yet.
And I hate the idea of spending the rest of my life waiting, and waiting, and waiting for that ever-elusive and possibly nonexistent “right person” to come along; trying to get those romantic feelings (that sound so wonderful in books!) to stir up in me when I’m not sure they even can. But at the same time, I don’t want to completely cut off the possibility of romance in my future, or just have a marriage of convenience/for tax benefits. And I never, ever, ever want someone to pressure me into doing romantic or sexual things with them after I have made it very clear that I don’t feel that way. Never.
So I guess all I can do for now is keep reading those romance novels, and wonder, and wait.
[Tarot Questions]
#ask#answered#anon#tarot questions#romance#asexual#just ‘maya overshares in general’#chris pine#(now everyone looking in the ‘chris pine’ tags can see the embarrassing poem i wrote about him when i was 12)#(along with my whines and frets over my own romantic and identity)#(you’re welcome pine-nuts everywhere)
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