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marlborodean · 3 years

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annotation for my "destiel but it's just one direction playlist," mainly for my sister who hasn't seen supernatural but you guys can read it too if you want :^)

DIANA // 4x01, "Lazarus Rising"

this episode introduces Cas :) Castiel speaks Enochian but when he was trying to speak to Dean he was instead causing radio static and shattering windows :) he gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition :) he knew all of Dean’s soul just from touching him :) he left his handprint burned into Dean’s skin :)

Notable Lyrics:

how could someone not miss you at all?

i never would mistreat you, no, i’m not a criminal. i speak a different language but I still hear your call

let me be the one to light a fire inside those eyes. you’ve been lonely, you don’t even know me, but I can feel you crying. let me be the one to lift your heart up and save your life. i don’t think you even realize, baby, you’d be saving mine

it’s only been four months but you’ve fallen down so far

i wanna reach out for you, i wanna break these walls

we all need something. if i could hold you, swear i’d never put you down

KISS YOU // 4x07, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester"

the only reason i have for this is the pure tension between Dean and Cas in this ep, which includes Dean staring at Cas's mouth and licking his lips :)

Notable Lyrics:

i just wanna take you anywhere that you like, we could go out any day, any night. i’ll take you there

tell me how to turn your love on. you can get anything that you want

if you want me to, let’s make a move

HEY ANGEL // 4x10, "Heaven and Hell"

in this ep, there is a female angel who is. i mean she’s just there to mirror what Cas will become. she is a fallen angel who rebelled because she fell in love with humanity :) and Cas talks to her, tells her that “for the time, i feel…” later in the show there’s another angel that says Cas’s “true weakness is involved. he’s in love! with humanity" :) also in this ep, the female angel and Dean have sex. clearly if Cas was a woman they would’ve been in a relationship long ago :)

Notable Lyrics:

hey angel, do you look at us and laugh when we hold onto the past? hey angel, tell me, do you ever try to come to the other side?

i wish i could be more like you. do you wish you could be more like me?

i see you at the bar, at the edge of my bed, backseat of my car, in the back of my head

BETTER THAN WORDS // 4x22, "Lucifer Rising"

in this ep, Dean is kept in a beautiful white room (which they call the green room #theatrekidvibes), and everyone understands the tension between Dean and Cas to be needlessly horny :) Cas defies heaven's orders to help Dean :)

Notable Lyrics:

more than a feeling, crazy in love. every time we touch, i’m all shook up. best i ever had, hips don’t lie, you make me wanna—

how deep is your love? god only knows

i don’t know how else to sum it up, there’s no way i can explain your love

everyone tries to see what it feels like, but they’ll never be right

YOU & I // 4x22, "Lucifer Rising"

Castiel literally invented free will. the prophet Chuck couldn’t predict Castiel’s actions :) he said “you guys aren’t in this story!” and Cas replied “we’re making it up as we go” :)

Notable Lyrics:

we can make it ’til the end, nothing can come between you and i. not even the gods above can separate the two of us, nothing can come between you and i. we could make it if we try

EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU // 5x03, "Free to Be You and Me"

in this ep, Castiel thinks he is going to die the next day so Dean takes him out for a fun night :) and Dean says it’s the first time he’s laughed that hard in a long time :)

Notable Lyrics:

you know i’ve always got your back, so let me be the one you come running to. just call my name, i’ll be coming through. on the other side of the world, it don’t matter, i’ll be there in two

there’s something about your laugh that makes me want to have to. there’s nothing funny so we laugh at nothing.

every minute’s like the last so let’s just take it real slow. forget about the clock that’s ticking

you have always been the only one i wanted

i wanted you to know without you i can’t face it

WHY DON'T WE GO THERE // 5x03, "Free to Be You and Me"

same ep, but this is placed here because Dean said to Cas, “there are two things I know for certain. One: Bert and Ernie are gay. Two: you are not gonna die a virgin, not on my watch.” you connect those dots :)

Notable Lyrics:

think about all the places we could go if you five in tonight. just let me set you free

we’ve got all night, and we’re going nowhere. why don’t you stay? why don’t we go there? let’s take a ride out in the cold air, i know the way, why don’t you go there with me?

ONCE IN A LIFETIME // 5x04, "The End"

in this ep, an angel zaps Dean to five years into the future where he meets his future self and future Cas. there was HEAVY subtext that they were together :) at the end of the ep, after he sees his future self die and ultimately destroy the entire world, he is zapped back to present time (where it is safe) and Castiel is there waiting for him at the side of the road in the middle of the night :)

Notable Lyrics:

once in a lifetime, you were mine

when i close my eyes, all the stars align and you are by my side. once in a lifetime, it’s just right. we are always safe, not even the bad guys in the dark night could take it all away

DRAG ME DOWN // 6x20, "The Man Who Would Be King"

this fits anywhere between 4x01 and this ep, which is when. when Dean finds out that Cas had betrayed him and was working alongside the king of hell behind his back :) so as long as this is placed before That Scene, it's fine :)

Notable Lyrics:

i’ve got a fire for a heart, i’m not scared of the dark, you’ve never seen it look so easy. i’ve got a river for a soul, and baby, you’re a boat. baby you’re my only reason

if i didn’t have you, there would be nothing left. the shell of a man that could never be his best. if i didn’t have you, i’d never see the sun

you taught me how to be someone

all my life you stood by me, when no one else was ever behind me. with your love, nobody can drag me down

WOLVES // 6x20, "The Man Who Would Be King"

the war with angels is oncoming, so Cas is trying (trying) to do lots of damage control with that, which means killing angels and demons alike that are after the Winchesters. there's a great scene here :) idk it fits here somehow my brain is too big to be confined by the English language

Notable Lyrics:

in the middle of the night when the wolves come out, they head straight for your heart like a bullet in the dark. one by one, i take them down

i keep on holding tight now, ‘cause your body’s telling me don’t let go

just getting my demons out, wouldn’t ever doubt. your beauty could start a war as you walk in the dining room

i wish it wasn’t true, but the whole world’s trying to get a piece of you, and my heart keeps fighting in this battle of fools

INFINITY // 6x20, "The Man Who Would Be King"

since Cas is trying to prevent the war, much like Aziraphale, he is deemed a failed and fallen angel! :) but then Dean finds out Cas has been working with the king of hell behind his back! :) Cas says "It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?" and Dean replies "I was there. Where were you?" :)

Notable Lyrics:

down to earth, keep on falling when i know it hurts

now i’m one step closer to being two steps from you, when everybody wants you

i was there for you. all i ever wanted was the truth. how many nights have you wished someone would stay?

FOOL'S GOLD // 7x02, "Hello, Cruel World"

i see this as Cas POV as he decides to sacrifice himself and let the Leviathans destroy him, before he leaves Dean ahahaha! i see it in this point in time because Cas loves Dean but assumes Dean doesn't feel the same, but! as we see, Dean keeps Cas's coat (because he loves him)

Notable Lyrics:

i know in my heart, you’re not a constant star. i let you use me from the day that we first met, but I’m not done yet, falling for you. i knew that you turned it on for everyone you’ve met, but i don’t regret falling for you

i know your love’s not real, but that’s not the way it feels. that’s not the way you feel

HALF A HEART // 7x02-7x21

literally every time Cas dies, Dean becomes inconsolable and loses all will to live and succumbs to raging alcoholism :) in season 7, when Cas dies, Dean keeps his jacket. for months. :) also applies to 13x01-13x05

Notable Lyrics:

so your friends [have] been telling me, you’ve been sleeping with my sweater, and that you can’t stop missing me. bet my friends [have] been telling you, i’m not doing much better

i’m missing half of me, and being here without you is like i’m waking up to only half a blue sky. kind of there, but not quite. i’m walking 'round with just one shoe. i’m half a heart without you. i’m half a man at best, with half an arrow in my chest. i miss everything we do. i’m half a heart without you

forget all we said that night, it doesn’t even matter

though i try to get you out of my head, the truth is i got lost without you

GIRL ALMIGHTY // 8x17, "Goodbye Stranger"

very closely tied to the imagery of the episode rather than the story. the bright light as Cas overpowers his brainwashing, Dean kneeling in front of Cas. not to self-promo but watch my Religion AMV to see what i mean!! it's visceral stuff :)

Notable Lyrics:

her light is as loud as many ambulances as it takes to save a savior

am i the only believer? there’s something happening here. i hope you feel what i’m feeling too

i get down on my knees for you

STRONG // 8x17, "Goodbye Stranger"

Castiel has been brainwashed into betraying Dean again, to the point where he was forced to participate in hundreds of simulations where he has to kill Dean :) so when the time comes where he’s told to kill Dean, he suddenly can’t do it :) know why? because Dean tells him “Cas, it’s me. We need you. I need you.” :)

Notable Lyrics:

my hands, your hands, tied up like two ships. my heart, your heart, sit tight like bookends. pages between us written with no end. so many words we’re not saying. don’t wanna wait til it’s gone

i’m sorry if i say ‘i need you’

when i’m not with you, i’m weaker. is that so wrong? is it so wrong that you make me strong?

WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO // 9x03, "I'm No Angel"

Cas loses his grace so now he is human. for some reason i don’t remember, Dean tells him he can’t stay at his place anymore. now Cas is homeless! :) and so Dean regrets it and goes to look for him :) also side note but there is some fan headcanons or theories that Cas had to resort to sex work to make money :/

Notable Lyrics:

counted all my mistakes and there’s only one standing out from the list of the things i’ve done. all the rest of my crimes don’t come close to the look on your face when i let you go.

the taste of your lips on the tip of my tongue is at the top of the list of the things i want

love was something you’ve never heard enough

now i’m searching every lonely place, every corner calling out your name, trying to find you, but i just don’t know. where do broken hearts go?

are you sleeping by yourself? or are you giving it to someone else?

tell me where you go when you feel afraid. tell me, will you ever love me again?

I WANT TO WRITE YOU A SONG // 11x03, "The Bad Seed"

no thoughts only the scene of Dean wrapping a blanket around Cas :)

Notable Lyrics:

i want to write you a song, one that’s beautiful as you are sweet, with just a hint of pain for the feeling that i get when you are gone

i want to lend you my coat, one that’s as soft as your cheek, so when the world is cold, you’ll have a hiding place you can go

everything i need i get from you, giving back is all i wanna do

MOMENTS // 11x23, "Alpha and Omega"

this song is like...every time Dean or Cas is about to sacrifice himself/DIE and they get emotional about it. this is an Exemplary episode that fits well with this song because a) they had time to make this plan, which means they would have time to say goodbyes and be ~intimate~ abt it, and b) the hug towards the end when Cas casually says "I could go with you," offering to DIE alongside Dean :)

Notable Lyrics:

shut the door, turn the light off. i wanna be with you, i wanna feel your love. i wanna lay beside you. i cannot hide this, even though i try.

trembling hands touch skin, it makes this harder. and the tears stream down my face

if we could only have this life for one more day. if we could only turn back time

i’ll be your life, your voice, your reason to be. my love/my heart is breathing for this moment in time. i’ll find the words to say before you leave me today.

don’t wanna be without you

there’s a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed as i feel myself fall, make a joke of it all

NO CONTROL // 12x23, "All Along the Watchtower"

this could honestly go anywhere, but i’m placing it in here in the chronology because it’s Cas charging blindly and headfirst into battle with literal Lucifer to protect Dean :) good moment contextually because before Cas ran away to help this woman give birth, he had a pretty cozy domestic life with Dean :) it's important to note that this does get him killed, which does lead to another grieving wife phase for Dean :)

Notable Lyrics:

beside you i’m a loaded gun. i can’t contain this anymore. i’m all yours, i’ve got no control. powerless, and i don’t care it’s obvious. i just can’t get enough of you. the pedal’s down, my eyes are closed

i don’t want to wash away the night before, and the heat where you laid, i could stay right here and burn in it all day

THROUGH THE DARK // 14x14, "Ouroboros"

this is not about the gay gorgon, folks, it's about the Ma'lak Box. Dean is crushed by the responsibility of having to lock himself in a LITERAL box to prevent Michael (the archangel inside his mind) from taking over

Notable Lyrics:

you tell me that you’re hurt and you’re in pain, and i can see your head is held in shame, but i just wanna see you smile again

i’ll be here for you. i will carry you over fire and water for your love. i will hold you closer, hope your heart is strong enough

i wish that i could take you to the stars. i’d never let you fall and break your heart

you tell me that you hurt, it’s all in vain, but i can see your heart can love again, and i remember you laughing so let’s just laugh again

CHANGE MY MIND // 15x03, "The Rupture"

Dean is being a pissy lil bitch because their child died and Castiel can’t deal with it so he leaves :) there’s a lot of stress in their relationship because they both have horrible communication issues. it boils down to Dean thinking like “i want people to just want to stay instead of leaving. i shouldn’t have to ask for that.” and Cas thinking like “i want people to tell me they want me around. i need that verbalized reassurance.” this is canon :)

Notable Lyrics:

the end of the night, we should say goodbye, but we carry on while everyone’s gone

never felt like this before, are we friends or are we more? as i’m walking towards the door, i’m not sure

if you say you want me to say, i’ll change my mind. ‘cause i don’t wanna know i’m walking away if you’ll be mine. i won’t go

IF I COULD FLY // 15x09, "The Trap"

Dean and Cas have to go to Purgatory to retrieve an Ingredient~ they get separated and the portal is about to close and Dean gets desperate so he gets on his knees and prays to Cas :) closure of 15x03 breakup scene, because Dean says “I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong.” :) Dean cries more than one tear, one of his most vulnerable moments in the show (rivaled only by the scene where he tells his mom he hates her). this scene is viewed by many, including jackles, as Dean's love confession especially because he evidently wanted to say something more to Cas's face but Cas cut him off :)

Notable Lyrics:

if i could fly, i’d be coming right back home to you. i think i might give up everything, just ask me to

i hope that you listen, cause i let my guard down. right now i’m completely defenseless

for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart. i’m missing half of me when we’re apart. now you know me

WALKING IN THE WIND // 15x18, "Despair" and 15x19, "Inherit the Earth"

“Despair” is the episode where Castiel confesses his love too Dean. Dean says “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” and Cas replies “Because it is.” :) reminiscent of the way their son Jack (who is a mirror to Cas) tells Sam and Dean “I'll be in every drop of falling rain, every speck of dust that the wind blows, and in the sand, in the rocks, and the sea.” :)

Notable Lyrics:

if you’re lost, just look for me. you’ll find me in the region of the summer stars

the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won

goodbyes are bittersweet, but it’s not the end. i’ll see your face again and you will find me

yesterday i went out to celebrate the birthday of a friend, but as we raised our glasses to make a toast I realized you were missing.

SOMETHING GREAT // 15x18, "Despair"-15x20, "Carry On"

Cas pov for 18 and Dean pov for 20 :) Cas saying "the one thing I want... It's something I know I can't have." :) and then Dean missing and wanting Cas back after he died, saying to God, "Cas. You gotta bring him back," yet again falling back into bad alcoholism and depression and suicidal ideation :)

Notable Lyrics:

i want you here with me like how i pictured it, so i don’t have to keep imagining

the script was written…i want to rip it all to shreds and start again. one day i’ll come into your world and get it right

you’re all i want, so much it’s hurting

TRULY MADLY DEEPLY // Post-Canon mwah!

This is what it would have been like for Dean in the version of Supernatural that totally definitely does exist, in which Jack brought Cas back to life and Dean and Cas were reunited and Dean tells Cas he loves him too and then they live a domestic and safe life and Dean is still shocked every morning that he wakes up next to the love of his life :)

Notable Lyrics:

i can’t believe that you are here and lying next to me

like all those days and weeks and months i tried to steal a kiss, and all those sleepless nights and daydreams where i pictured this

somehow you kicked all my walls in, so say you’ll always keep me

should i put coffee and granola on a tray in bed, and wake you up with all the words that i still haven’t said? and tender touches just to show yo how i feel, or should i act so cool like it was no big deal?

#i think my sister is probably asleep right now so i'll update yall on her response later #i'm insane i'm so sorry #ej.pdf #spn #for lisa!

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jade-island-lives · 6 years

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My Rainbow Soul: A Journey To Just Being Me (My Coming Out)

This has been in the back of my mind for such a long time. Seeing as it’s Pride Month, I thought that maybe I should talk about how I came out, my process with accepting who I was, and hopefully give people hope that things will get better.

Now, I won’t be using names or anything. But I will be talking about a lot of things. Lots of negative things such as abuse and anxiety. If you have a problem with this. Don’t read. I’ll be cutting it off here.

Ready? Okay.

Now, I grew up a small town that was pretty conservative. We lived where coyotes, rats, mice, skunks, and raccoons were a problem. A place where you could fish, hunt, and farm. Everyone knew everybody, and there was a real sense of community.

I actually grew up pretty normal. I loved the Disney Princesses, Barbie, and even had a dollhouse. I had an obsession with two things however, mermaids and wolves. I LOVED those things to death. The story of Balto and how he delivered antitoxin to Nome Alaska was incredible, and I collected stuffed dogs to pretend I had a race team. And I had a love for all things ocean. I had mermaid dolls, sea shells, I collected sand dollars. It was a nice time. I also read a lot, and I drew a lot.

Yeah, everything was normal. I played with my dolls and created worlds in my head. But looking back on it, I was a bit odd. I had a HUGE obsession over the Little Mermaid. Especially Ariel.

Every girl liked Eric. I liked Ariel. I dunno why, I just found her interesting. I wanted to be a mermaid like her and live with her under the sea.

In hindsight, that should have been the first clue

I didn’t even know the LGBT+ community existed until I was 12, (by that time I had dropped all things girly and gained a sense of tomboyishness because it just felt right and I loved all the boyish things other girls my age didn’t fuss over) and the way I found out was less than ideal.

No worries, my family was, is, and always will be supportive of the LGBT+ community. But I found out about the community through, and this is going to be the dumbest thing ever. The Westboro Baptist Church.

You see, at that time I was on YouTube a lot. And when I was bored of watching the same Warrior Cat AMVs over and over (which was really rare) I would watch documentaries about strange things. Like mystery diagnosis stuff and serial killer things. (I swear, I was only a writer who needed ideas, still am.) And one day in my recommended section was a documentary of The Worst Family in America. I thought “Oh how bad can they be?”

When I was done watching it, I was confused. Wait, two guys getting married? That’s a thing? And God doesn’t like that? Why? It’s not hurting anyone!”

Thankfully, my family shut that shit down, saying God made everyone for a reason and that he made no mistakes. I did more research on it, being my curious self, and found out that there was a whole community, that being gay wasn’t a choice, God made us as we were, all kinds of rainbows and love. Eventually, loving the LGBT+ community was everything, and I began to hate injustice towards those who couldn’t control who they were.

I started getting inclusive in my writing then. Writing gay and lesbian characters, writing about Bi characters and Pans too. And even Trans and Aces. I started learning that there was a rainbow of sexuality and identity, and as we grow, we find a place among it.

Unfortunately for me, being a teen was a nightmare in so many ways. I had my friends, most of which were boys. And around that time, all the girls and guys started dating. I didn’t like guys in that way, never really did. And at the time I didn’t think about it. I was learning about my writing skill, I couldn’t be bothered. I was trying to figure out what I was good at.

But eventually, it caught up with me.

People started asking if I was gay. And I always said no, but eventually. I found my first crush.

And it wasn’t a guy.

Every time I saw her, it was like butterflies. I could never think straight when she was around. I loved her.

And surprisingly, that scared me.

I never really knew why until now. While I was and still am supportive of the LGBT community. I was well aware of the violence that came with it. The beatings, the discrimination, all of it. People have died because the world didn’t want to change. At the time, marriage wasn’t legal, and my life could be on the line in certain countries.

In fear of the discrimination, I got in a relationship with a guy to keep suspicions off. I thought that maybe if I hid myself enough I would start to believe I wasn’t gay.

But the relationship was toxic. Emotionally manipulative and abusive. I don’t really want to go into it. For the longest time, I thought it was okay. If I could keep it up and make it work, eventually I would be happy.

It was stupid. So stupid. To anyone out there, men, women, whatever. If someone forces you to do something you aren’t comfortable with, if you are AFRAID to be around them to the point where you walk on hot coals around them. If you are afraid of telling them something because of what you think they will say or do. Get out of it. Now. They don’t have to hit you to be abusive, women can do it too, and you deserve to feel loved and safe.

I broke free of it with the help of my friends, including my best friend in the entire world, but to this day I still feel terrible about it. How I lied, how I never spoke up, how I broke his heart. It makes me overlook all the times I felt pressure, all the times I was afraid to tell him how I felt. How I was afraid to be alone with him.

I would be fearful of getting in any relationships. And because most of my friends were guys, of course rumors were spread. I always said that I wasn’t interested in anyone. And I wasn’t.

I don’t remember struggling with my sexuality too much in my junior or senior year. Mostly because I was struggling with my mental health and I just remember nothing but sadness. A black fog over me that I let consume every bit of me until I was nothing but a shell that just appeared and disappeared. But it was there I remember. Crushes and hiding them, reminding myself that the world would not accept me.

Until the morning Same Sex Marriage was legal in the US.

I still remember the rainbow flags all over Facebook. The videos of couples crying, Obama speaking. I remember just tears, curling up on my couch sobbing with tears of joy.

I remember thinking, “I can get married now. It's accepted. It’s okay.”

But there were still issues, there always will be. And I almost fell straight back into the closet.

Eventually I was tired of people asking me if I was straight or gay, and so I just said I was Bi. I...felt it was safer. I don’t know why.

For the record, I’m sorry I hid behind Bisexuality. It’s a misconception that Bi people are just gay people closeted or straight people experimenting. Bisexuality is a real sexuality and it needs to be respected as such no matter the relationship.

I used Bisexuality because I wanted people to think I could still date guys and I wouldn’t be discriminated against. But I wasn’t Bi, I was gay. And I knew it. Please don’t think my experience is the same for everyone. Bisexuality is a real sexuality, a real feeling that people have. And it’s valid whether you are dating a man or a woman.

At some point, something broke in me. I was tired of fighting it. I don’t remember the reason. Maybe it was my therapist telling me to be honest, the headache of living a lie, somehow I realized I that I was done not being me. And so...

I came out to my best friend by text. Tears in my eyes. I was met with overwhelming love and support. He told his family and I was met with so much love that way.

And then I told my family...who already KNEW. They had known since I was 12 and loved me no matter what. It was the sweetest thing, and I wish more than anything that I could go back and tell my past self that it would all be okay, to not care what other people think of me.

And if there is anything you can learn from this, it’s this.

You may be afraid to come out or you can’t. And that’s okay. You don’t have to come out for anyone other than yourself. There’s no set time on accepting who you are. For some, it takes their entire lives. You may think you’re one thing, but then you discover you’re something else, that’s okay too.

As I’ve always said, sexuality and identity are a rainbow, and a tricky one. But you will find your way. And no matter what, whether you are still in the closet or people don’t think your sexuality is real, you are valid, you are loved, and it does get better. And you CERTAINLY are welcome this Pride Month. <3

It got better for me, and now I wear my rainbow heart proudly for everyone to see. So I may never hide in that nasty closet again.

#jade rambles #sexuality #pride month #lesbian #coming out #tw: abuse #tw: anxious thoughts #love is love is love is love is love is love

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aquilacat · 6 years

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Re: Melanie Martinez accusations

Both parties have spoken on the matter. There could be truth and lies in both accounts. False accusations DO happen, unfortunately. Jemma Beale is an example. It seems like a lot came out during trial to prove it. It's awful, and makes things worse for everyone because those who have been raped get believed less often because of it, but as a result, we need to keep an eye on this and wait for more information before we condemn somebody.

If Melanie Martinez did rape Timothy Heller, then she's a shitty person and her career deserves to get shot down. But if she didn't, then this will needlessly haunt her for the rest of her life.

We need people who know them both to speak up, to shine light on both their characters. A lot can be revealed by what friends, family, and those these women have worked with have to say on the matter.

Take Johnny Depp & Amber Heard, for example. I withheld judgment when that accusation first came out because we only had what each had said, and a few pictures. Nobody could know what the truth was until more was revealed as the case went on. Sure enough, the texts and the close associates straight up confirming Johnny's violent tendencies said a lot more about the allegations than either Johnny or Amber could have said individually. It holds more sway when more people confirm it. When people one or both have them have worked with say that Johnny has been violent toward Amber and that they have even witnessed this violence happening, it tips the scale, at least it does for me. I withheld judgment before, and now that more has come out, I will refuse to support Johnny Depp and his career.

With Kesha, I found out about it pretty far along into the case, so there was already a lot of information out there. Kesha had many prominent people in her field standing up for her, but there were dings on her account. The biggest one I can remember being that she contradicted herself during depositions. That didn't hold much weight for me because people contradict themselves or lie in depositions frequently, just like they lie in court. They aren't supposed to, but they do, and she could have had many reasons for it. The big things that swayed me to believe her were that she had major support from fellow big-name artists and there were emails that looked very bad for Dr. Luke. They did nothing to help prove the rape allegations, but they still showed him to be a shitty person. As time has gone on, everything she has done since then just makes me believe her account even more, but the case is still in progress. She is currently stuck with her contract, but Dr. Luke stepped down as CEO of the record label and a few months later Kesha released her new album. This legal case looks like it's going to go on for quite a while. We'll see what happens and what comes out in the future, but at this point I personally have seen enough to believe Kesha, and a lot of that has to do with the support she received from many other celebrities like herself. Their support for her says a lot. It's not just her words against his when Lady Gaga is openly supporting her as much as possible, when Taylor Swift donates a huge sum of money to help with Kesha's legal fees, when other prominent people publically show their support for her, too. A lot of these people know the industry better than the rest of us ever will. If so many of them are supporting her, there's good reason for it.

We need more information before we can judge either woman in this particular case. I am biased, of course, because I like Melanie's work and know literally nothing about Timothy, but if further information sways in Timothy's favor, then you bet I won't purchase another album of Melanie's, won't use her songs in AMVs anymore, and won't support her or her career any further. Now that this accusation has come out, I won't purchase anything or use her songs right now anyway until we know more. I won't support, but I am also not going to condemn until we know more.

Does Timothy have a history of telling lies? Does Melanie? Is either one of them known by multiple people to be super manipulative? Are both of them known to be manipulative? Are friends and family shocked by this, or are some of their friends not surprised by this accusation? People they personally know will have seen the red flags and know both women's previous actions and history. Maybe one of them will even have text messages between them and either woman that will show the truth. Or maybe a few people will come out and confirm one of the accounts, like what happened with Johnny Depp. Though, in this case, if it never gets to court, we might only get that information if people they know post about it on social media. Since this accusation just happened yesterday, it's still too early to determine one way or another.

Right now we don't have much to go on besides a couple posts, and with what I have seen at work and experienced in my own life, I cannot take anything at face value anymore, no matter what the situation is, no matter how much I may want to. We need the truth, or as close to it as it's possible to get. Things like video proof isn't likely to exist here, but text messages, recorded calls, and what people around them have experienced could potentially be available. We need to hear from people who know them.

Either way, for those who watch my videos on youtube, I'm holding off on using any of Melanie Martinez's songs until more information surfaces. If it turns out that the accusations are true, then I won't ever use a song of hers again.

#elise rambles #melanie martinez #timothy heller #johnny depp #amber heard #kesha #dr luke #jemma beale

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sweet-star-cookie · 6 years

Text

I feel really out of place all the time, like I don’t fit in anywhere. I guess this post is a few thoughts to (maybe) figure out why, aside from my usual anxiety and depression.

My appearance doesn’t match my age. I don’t really have a huge problem with this in general, but it can get rather annoying when I’m treated like a child at any given moment, for reasons that are usually not relevant to that specific situation. But at the same time, I get it. I wear bright colours, I wear my hair in pigtails, I like cartoons, I get unnaturally excited about cute things. I understand the perception, especially at first glance. I only wish there was a way I could accept it more. I don’t like my physical appearance as is, but that’s another hurdle to jump entirely.

I don’t have a place I consider “home”. Don’t get me wrong, I have several places that I live / have the ability to live in, so I will always have a roof over my head. I am extremely grateful for this, but as of now none of them feel like a place I can be truly comfortable. My current living space is a basement in a sketchy part of a city I don’t like. Living at home is stressful and irritating for a variety of reasons. The only other city I lived in was only for two years, which was not enough time to forge any sort of connection to it. I don’t like the idea of moving somewhere new that might be good for me, only to find I don’t like it and have to move again. If I had a more nomadic personality perhaps this would be easier, but for now I have nowhere to go, and I need a solid foundation before I can even begin to start figuring out the rest of this mess of a life. I can picture my dream living space in my head, but reality says it won’t be mine any time soon. I’ve flown the coop, but have nowhere to land.

I feel like a burden to anyone that chooses my company. Obviously this has to do with my self-esteem, which is the lowest it has ever been of late. No matter who I’m with, no matter how long I stay or what we’re doing, I constantly think that my actions, mannerisms, etc. will be noticed and disliked by everyone else, even down to something as simple as how much food I eat there. I cannot justify anything about myself, so I never feel totally relaxed and require reassurance that my mere existence is warranted. Even that doesn’t always convince me. It’s a strong case of self-sabotage, feeling like I don’t deserve all the beautiful and kind people in my life.

I’m ace aro. Yes this is a part of it too. Explaining asexuality is already hard enough, but like anyone else in this community having to explain it to several people, sometimes more than once, is nothing short of exhausting. I’ve mentioned asexuality to my family members before but to little avail, and this does not include my extended family. Adding aromantic into that mix makes it even harder, but I haven’t even approached that subject yet. It’s a multi-layered subject and I haven’t even scratched the surface. It’s even a little weird with some of my friends and peers, particularly when discussing relationships, children or marriage. I feel like an interloper by being the only person in my entire family that isn’t straight. I hope that someday this will be a source of pride (no pun intended) for future generations rather than shame, as is my hope for this community in general.

I don’t know how I’m going to make a living, because no “real” job feels like the right fit. Plain and simple, that’s the reality I’m facing right now. I officially finished my college schooling at the end of April this year, and the result left my future as a giant void of uncertainty. I went to school for animation, but learned the numerous realities of this field and what that means for me, and I discovered I wasn’t cut out for it. I have the skills, for sure, but everything that comes with a studio job sounds like an endurance test that I cannot complete, despite how much I love animation. Even freelance sounds like a terrifying expedition, especially with the added uncertainty of income that comes with it. I have no faith in myself right now, not even when I make art for fun. I cannot answer the question of why someone would choose me over anyone else for commissions, and I’m not assertive enough to convince them otherwise. Hell, I can’t even convince myself. I need time that I don’t have to establish any sort of traction online or anywhere else, but if my heart isn’t in it, than what is? I went to a job fair for animation recently, and as I looked around and saw my peers and faculty amongst the massive crowd of people, all from the same place as me, I felt completely and utterly alone. Deviating from the desire for a typical job in animation feels like a betrayal to the people that spent 3 years of their lives teaching me that subject, or being by my side to be taught with me. I’m sorry, guys.

Everyone has separate and wildly different expectations of me. Even my likeminded peers, but especially my family. They all assume my life will go a certain way or I’ll pursue certain avenues, but they probably don’t know any different based on what they know about me (we’ll get to that). I don’t have enough confidence to justify a change in these plans. Every family gathering feels like a status report, and it gets awkward if I don’t tell them something they’ll find satisfying. So I either don’t tell them or I lie, which is a trend I really don’t want to keep going, but it feels like the only way on most occasions. It’s easier to live the lie than go through the unnecessary struggle of the truth, especially with my family and their ability to blow everything out of proportion.

So many people don’t know the real me, and I have no idea how to explain it to them. I can’t talk to people, not even ones I know. Meeting new people sounds like an ordeal, so I don’t go out of my way to do it. That said, I can’t convince myself that I’m a person that someone would even want to know. I used to have someone who knew me better than anyone, and only now do I realize how much I relied on her for that support. I felt more comfortable with myself back then than I’ve ever felt before, and I miss feeling that way. We were dumb in high school, but we were dumb together, and that’s all that mattered. Every friendship I’ve ever had up to this point was a product of circumstance (school), and I wonder if that was the only thing that kept us together. History so far would say yes. Now that that’s no longer a part of my life, what happens now?

I love so many things, but can’t express my love for them. Both online and in person, the result is the same: fear. I feel like an outsider to fandoms that I would otherwise be a part of, I have no confidence to talk to people about the same things I like, I’ve never tried writing fanfiction because I feel unworthy to write stories about characters that aren’t mine, I’ve never tried making AMVs because I don’t have ships or really any ideas for them. I fear that whatever I’d share about these subjects isn’t worthwhile, and simply doing so is a waste of someone’s time. I keep hearing “no one cares” in my head, and “I do” is not a good enough rebuttal. I feel like I’m always being watched when I make art and have to be prepared to explain at length why I did every aspect of it, waiting for someone to call me out on something. Any idea that’s even remotely weird or “out there” comes with a wave of “what will people think of this?”, especially if it deviates from what I usually make. I love my OCs but even talking about them makes my brain jump ship every time. If I think the person won’t “get” the idea behind them, I am reluctant to explain more than base details, which misses the point entirely. Unless someone actively responds to everything I say in some way, I feel like I’m wasting their time and I shouldn’t continue. And even then I’m not a good enough verbal communicator to remember crucial details or their order in the moment. Every idea I’ve ever had sounds incredibly stupid the minute I have to explain it out loud, as I usually don’t have enough time to explain everything in the way I want to. And when I do get going, I talk way too much.

Even this post comes with its own set of fears regarding it’s length, it’s content, and whether it’s even worth saying at all. I still have no idea what to do or where I belong. Does it even matter?

...do I?

#personal #vent #long post #sorry for all the words

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