Wait im connecting the dots.

Hello. I hope you're having a good day. Would it be alright if you do the alphabet thing with Jade Leech please? It's fine if you don't want to though.

once again, long post so it goes under the cut! warnings for mentions of drowning in this one

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Jade plays his gentleman act quite carefully and meticulously. In public (before isolating his darling), he'd limit himself to kisses to the back of their hand or putting his arm around their shoulder. He likes to still tease with his "gentelmanly" act behind closed door, but the way he speaks doesn't match the voracity which he has when he kisses his darling.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

He won't eliminate people unless it's strictly needed- if his darling's friends and family don't come poking their noses into his relationship, he won't feel the need to track them down. However, nosey people will mysteriously dissapear- it's not like people search underwater caves for bodies, you know?

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He would highly preffer his darling to give in to his advances and love already, but he does reckon half the fun of love is getting there. He'd only tease and be mean if his darling was snarky- it's probably infuriating for them to be chained down and unable to escape while Jade talks down on them with his usual calm smile.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

No way, he's a gentleman! ... well, he is one as long as people are looking, anyways. While he certainly wouldn't have his way with an unwilling darling, he doesn't see any problem with coersion or threats to make his darling more willing to accept his advances. Likewise, he won't ask for permission for things he considers "minor", like hugging, kisses to the neck, and such.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

He won't entirely drop all his pretenses and suddenly lay bare for his darling- that's just not who he is. He will speak his mind from time to time, and if his darling is keen they might pick up on certain insecurities of his. He's absolutely not expecting his darling to care about his emotions- seeing as he's abducted them and has given them no choice but to love him- but if they did, it would certainly make him open up more often.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He'd think his darling is just being plain foolish. He's not Floyd, sure, but he does have his strenght, you know? Besides, his darling should know that he has Azul and his twin on his side: a single human couldn't do much against the trio. He'd scold them like if they were a child, and get irked whenever they continue trying. His darling should certainly stop stretching his parience!

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

It is and it isn't at the same time. He does find some enjoyment from watching his darling struggle helplessly, and it is particularly delicious to see them exhaust themselves to the point they just simply give in to his affections- but at the same time, he does want to build a future one day. He'd very much love it if his darling mellowed down enough so he could go hiking with them without having to be looking out for escape attempts.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

The most patient people snap in the ugliest ways, and he's no exception. If his darling tried to squash all his dreams for the future, or constantly talked about other people to try and purposely make him jealous, he'd drop all pretenses of being a civilized gentleman. He'd have no qualms holding his darling underwater until they're in the brink of drowning, then letting them back up- only to push them down again. It's torture, but he'll keep going until they either pass out, or he's satisfied with his work.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He can't decide if he wants to turn his darling into a mermaid and return to the coral sea, or find a little cottage in the mountains. Ideally, he'd like both- perhaps living the winters in land (since his darling wouldnt be used to the frigid underwater temperatures) and the summers in the ocean. He knows he and his darling cannot have biological children- after all, his body is just not built to mate with humans, regardless of if his darling can even bear children or not- but he would perhaps think of taking one in, just to complete his little family.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He does get jealous quite often, but he mostly just deals with it in silence. He knows it's inevitable people will talk about his darling or mention missing them, and that killing or maiming everyone who does this would be insane. Again, he'll only hurt people who stick their nose into his business- and people who express too much interest in his darling.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Most of what he knows of human courtships comes from books and legends, so he'll try very hard to be his darling's very own fairtytale lover. He doesn't see why his obsessive tendencies and the gentle love describes in most folk tales can't be combined- isn't it the greatest expression of love to keep his darling just for himself? He'll be very warm and caring as long as his darling behaves properly.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Again, all his knowledge on human courting comes from books and myths, so he begins his aproaches in a very fairytale like fashion. In the beginning, he's a picture perfect gentleman: bringing flowers, walking his darling home, candlelit dinners in the lounge- the works. It's not until his obsession starts growing that he becomes more and more possesive.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Some people definitely suspect his gentleman act is just a fake mask, but he does want to behave nicely from time to time. He definitely still acts like a gentleman some of the times with his darling- specifically when they're not being troublesome. He does however, have a bit of a darker side; he'll take some sick pleasure in watching his darling squirm and cry for help- but he does try to not show that too much.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

He isn't big on hitting or casting painful spells- once the adrenaline wears down and he sees what he did, he always feels sick to his stomach. He preffers more classic, less direct methods: complete and utter isolation until his darling is begging for him, taking away all the entertainment his darling has, and more extreme methods like waterboarding.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

First of all, he doesn't want them going out. If it's absolutely necessary, he'll make sure they're dressed in baggy, inconspicuous clothing so nobody takes notice of them: and or course, he's there by their side the entire time. Second of all, he wants them to cut all communication with the outside world. It's better for them to forget their friends, after all- once they're taken to the Coral Sea, the chances of seeing them again are null.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

His darling is lucky he's such a patient man. He can take more tantrums, escape attempts, screams and tears than most- it's almost infuriating how calm he can remain most of the time.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

It's an easy question- he wouldn't recover. His darling is one of the few people he considered himself to be truly close with, and losing them would deal a huge blow to him. It'd get bad enough that even trying to act like his usual self would be impossible- but he'd also vehemently refuse to speak of his sadness with anyone.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

No, and no. He thinks his darling should be flattered by how intense his love is; they just need to adapt. Logically he knows humans don't like being caged up, but he's willing to make his darling lose that liberty so he can properly take care of them and love them.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

He has no clue why he's fallen in love so deeply and in such a dark way, it just happened. This isn't the first time he's taken a romantic interest in someone, but never before had he felt such an obsession with the object of his desires, nor had he felt so many twisted impulses towards them. He has no idea what brought on this change: perhaps this is how true love feels like?

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

It's tiring and he claims he doesn't like it, but... Truthfully he does get some twisted pleasure from watching his darling go through these dark periods. Just knowing their struggle is so hopeless, and that no matter what he's the only one they have- especially since he knows once his darling is exhausted of crying, they won't even complain if he takes them into his arms.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Classic yanderes are known to act "unhinged" or show a dark and violent side to their darling- Jade tries not to. He wants to be a good lover and have his darling run to him for safety and care (even if those emotions are... Fake, to an extent), so he'll work hard to make his darling feel dependant on him.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

If his darling managed to fool him into thinking they'd settled down, accepted their fate and loved him, he would start letting down his guard just a bit. Not enough for them to escape right away; they'd need for Jade to decide they're calm and docile enough to take out on a hike or a date- and once out, there'll be a small chance his darling will be able to dash away and seek help. They better find someone strong or an authority as fast as they can once they run- otherwise the second Jade catches up, he'll tear apart whoever tried to help his darling.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

He desperately tries not to unless it's absolutely needed. He wants his darling to see him as a loving figure- but punishments are a necessity sometimes...

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

To him, his darling is the most beautiful person alive. He wants his darling to see themselves as he sees them; a beautiful, fragile and captivating person. He'll always make sure to remember them of all of these facts. If he gets his hands on a spell to turn his darling into a mermaid, he'd be quick to try and make them feel comfortable in their new form. He just loves his darling and wants to make sure they know!

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

He lasts about a couple of months in love before confessing, then a good period of "normal" dating. He wanted to make sure everything was perfect- he didn't want to give in to his ugly impulses right away, but he knew he'd have to, eventually.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

No, and he'd be careful not to. He loves his darling as they are- he just wants them to be more obedient to him and love him, not break them entirely. He would take great care to not end up crushing his darling's soul, trying his best to slowly acclimate them to their new life as his lover.

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.