#“I must become a better person”
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I keep flip flopping between wanting Max to stay a hammy, over the top asshole. And wanting him to survive and get redeemed because to quote the wise words of The Langs
"He's the dumbest bully ever and sometimes he gets cute"
I mean...look at that little face.
#I do prefer his redemption be a long process instead of happening in a week like in some fics#cause him becoming a better person after tormenting the whole school in a week feels cheap#starkid#team starkid#hatchetfield#nerdy prudes must die#max jagerman
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Sometimes, I'm sad about the hobbies I have abandoned or have been too intimidated to pick up. But... what good is it, to just beat myself up over that? My bass is sitting in the corner, patiently waiting, and so is everything else. My life isn't over, and I've got nothing to answer to. I'm wading through a sea of time, and I'll pick up the seashells that interest me, and it's okay to put one back in the sand. The current's waves will bring it back to me if that is to be destiny. I can not hate myself into productivity, so I must swim on.
I think the same can apply to anybody. It's okay if you have dropped something, such as a hobby or passion. Human beings are like that sometimes, it isn't reasonable for you to beat yourself into submission. You, too, can not hate yourself into being a well-rounded person. You must cultivate it like you would a garden - with patience, time, and care.
#positivity#encouraging words#i feel like so often people will try to hate themselves into being 'better' people...#...like fitness for instance. so many people slog through fitness not because they are interested in moving their body...#..but because they are told they must do [x] workout or look [y] way...#...and so it becomes a chore that is a means to an end. but... is that how we ought to live you think?#like i go to the gym because it's FUN. i go there to have FUN. i do what is enjoyable there!#i don't worry about anything but if i am doing a weightlife correctly (for safety) and if i am moving and having fun#why would i go to the gym if i am not having fun? fun is a *human need* regardless of age!#we are wired to do fun things - to seek out pleasure. why should we surpress that?#a well-rounded person is somebody who can be in-tune with their feelings and can recognize what is enjoyable...#...and not only that but to not feel *bad* about their feelings or needs changing (this is - at least - my opinion)#i thought this was an interesting conversation and something i sometimes struggle with and see others struggle with
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The eventual kazuha and sanemi dynamic
#kny crossover#genshin impact#kaedehara kazuha#shinazugawa sanemi#one day I’ll finish writing the first chapter. one day#anyways I love thinking about these two#i think platonic relationships are so fascinating#like you could definitely construe so many different friendships as romantic ships but to me these two as friends has so much potential#sanemi canonically dislikes Giyuu because he gives off a ‘better than everyone else there’ vibe that is purely unintentional#and canonically is friends with Iguro for reasons I still cannot figure out#sanemi’s so interesting because it’s not like he’s a purely chaotic character despite what his first appearance would suggest#the manga and genya’s memories clearly show that he has a lot of respect for oyakata-sama because oyakata-sama is not high and mighty and-#does in fact understand every sacrifice that goes into the battles that they fight that he must sit on the back lines for#sanemi is a very loyal person I think once someone has earned his loyalty even though he owes about showing this in very aggressive ways#I think he goes off against genya especially because genya fighting as a demon slayer goes against everything that sanemi has fought for#since they lost their happy lives sanemi has been fighting for at least one of them to still be able to live normally and he probably thinks#that Genya spat on that sentiment by becoming a demon slayer anyways#anyways I think sanemi and kazuha would have such an interesting dynamic#sanemi has the authoritative upper hand as a pillar but kazuha isn’t even a demon slayer which means sanemi’s position doesn’t do much#beyond acting as an indicator that he is one of the strongest of the corps anyways.#they’ve both lost a lot but sanemi still has someone to fight for whereas kazuha is holding onto the last embers of a corpse’s wishes#and I think them having a talk about their motivations would be very good#because I don’t think at this point that kazuha has very much reason to live beyond carrying on Tomo’s wishes#if the swords are parallels to visions I think Kazuha’s turning point will be when he receives his own nichirin sword#sorry for the long tags lmao
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#p4#p4g#persona 4#persona 4 golden#hanamura yosuke#yosuke hanamura#man yosuke really? more scared than when your own life was in danger in the tv world when your shadow was lashing out?#when you didnt have a persona and you didnt think anyone would do anything to help you?#(i believe it. it's just like yosuke to be like that.)#chewing glass at how invested hes become in nanako and in yu's family I'm honestly just#of course everyone wss terrified for nanako but yosuke describing it as the most terrified hes ever been is really just#also man i wonder what he was going to say when he started trailing off#i bet he was going to say something about how devastated yu was but thought better of it#and im#I feel like for yosuke in that moment when nanako was missing and his partner was emotionally distraught#he must have felt so helpless too#throughout the entire year yosuke took each kidnapping really personally he kept seeing it as a personal failure on his part#when he said he wasnt smart enough or good enough to prevent it even when he knew it was coming#and then to have it happen to someone close#i think yosuke definitely felt all of yu's pain#but he also felt the pain of not being able to do anything more for yu while yu was emotionally falling apart#like hes not just let nanako down but also his best friend too and IM JUST#ok im shutting up now bye#he's good with his queue
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i genuinely dont know how tales of the abyss did what it did because ive never had a game hurt me so much with like sixteen separate character relationships. all at once.
#.text#tales of the abyss#besides the fact ive (obviously) been thinking abt jade and luke#ive also been thinking about tear and asch. and how im disappointed they only speak like once to each other#because they. are like. so insanely similar it is. surprising to me they dont meet.#but tear in general is so underused. like.#tear. she doesnt want to kill her brother but she must. he is everything to her. but she knows her duty.#she is calm and collected on the outside even as she breaks on the inside. she is a soldier. she doesnt let her emotions#dictate her actions or her words. and she is kind.#and then. like. asch. he wants to kill his replica but he knows that he cant. his emotions get the better of him to the point that#he disregards everything about luke and paints him as the enemy. for as responsible and mature he is all of that#disappears the second luke is involved-- because his emotions control him. he wants to be kind but i dont think he knows how anymore.#i dont think they would get along but there would be an understanding between them.#with tear. understanding means kindness. if she sees herself in others or understands them completely. she becomes. so kind.#its almost shocking to see that side of her one moment and the stone cold soldier the next.#its a matter of what she allows herself to be#but i think with asch she'd become the opposite. because she sees too much of herself in him - unlike luke it is not#the good things. nor is it the things they could bond about. it is the fact that asch wants to kill the only person in the world#who is not responsible for what happened to them. and probably the only person in the world who could truly understand asch.#like i know tear says she believes some things must be done. including killing family. but i dont think she truly. truly believes that.#she is in anguish over having to kill her brother. so i think her seeing asch completely disregard and even attack luke at times#when it ISNT necessary. like it is with van. she would not be kind to him.#which is like. asch is really only Neutral at times - even with luke he sometimes cant keep telling himself everything is lukes fault.#besides being defensive. i think thats really the only thing he could be around that type of tear.#like a. 'you dont know anything.' type of deal. a quiet anger. not the loud stuff he shoves at luke or van#they are fascinating to me.#how would they act in my twinswap au.................#i wonder...
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as much as a i understand and respect ace kiryu truthers, i really feel like kiryu is the type to really take the idea to heart that sex is something vulnerable and meaningful and thus reserved for someone completely trusted and special to him– someone who feels right. after years and years he’s still never legitimately voluntarily slept with someone, always tries to turn women away or is at least apathetic when they try to get physical with him, never feels that deep and specific bond with a woman– nothing compared to some of his bonds with other men throughout his life. and maybe, hopefully, one day it’ll hit him that there’s a pretty big, glaring reason why no women have ever felt “right” to him.
#I’ve become a pretty devout gay kiryu trigger at this point#it just. makes the most narrative sense / is the most narratively interesting / explains So Much#kiryu#yakuza#kazuma kiryu#honest to god though it’s. the most realistic way of explaining why he jumps to the assumption that he must date or kiss a woman or whatever#as soon as possible with little to no room to actually fall for one#with yumi he’s literally in the classic comp het situation of ‘well someone told me I’m in love with her so I guess I’m in love with her’#no deeper thought no proof of falling for her etc#sayama’s more convincing and they start out actually building a dynamic that could end up being romantic maybe- but then they fucking jump#the gun and have kiryu randomly kiss her like something he saw in a movie instead of. you know. talking about things first. or anything.#partly because they’re in a life or death situation and are essentially pushed together via traumabonding#and that’s Extreme when it comes to the end of kiwami 2. honestly that makeout scene was just. really weird and uncomfortable. for multiple#reasons. I mean for one he says something like ‘I’m sure she (haruka)’ll understand’ in between the making out in reference to him not#even trying to get further from the bomb or anything#and just lowkey choosing to kill himself (disturbingly similarly to nishiki mind you) like uh kiryu did you forget that haruka. literally#lost her mother in an extremely similar situation. in front of her. and nearly lost you at the same time. kiryu’s personality is Not one to#just shrug off something like that- either he was purposefully choosing to kill himself because he felt like a failure and that haruka would#genuinely be better off without him Or the writing there was INSANELY out of character as to make him seem more focused on the supposed#Romeo and Juliet tragic romance situation than saving his daughter the grief of losing EVERYONE CLOSE TO HER and reliving the worst night of#her fucking Life#god if anything the ending of yk2 just screams ‘this relationship would not work out under normal circumstances and both of them are just#clinging onto whatever’s closest out of desperation and need for any kind of emotional catharsis available’#if you can compare a pairing to romeo and juliet . it’s probably not#a pairing that’s meant to be#sorry im going off on a huge tangent about how weird the ending of yk2 was to me uhhh anyway I could write a video essay on why kiryu being#gay is the most realistic and interesting interpretation of him possible . send tweet
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speaking as an able bodied person who thinks frequently about accessibility and wheelchair strategy on behalf of a wheelchair using acquaintance for whom I provide transportation, I do think that able bodied people should not opt to represent mobility aids in works of media unless they’re prepared to commit to portraying accommodations with some degree of verisimilitude. without that commitment they’re undoing whatever good they might do through representation
#just a lot of bad wheelchair hygiene lately in things I enjoy#picking up the wheelchair with the person inside = NO and I don’t care what your str stat is#the whole party is able to get down this hole. we don’t know how but it’s fine :///#btw the answer to this is NOT to be like Emily St. John Mandel and say that#with the collapse of society the world becomes unlivable for disabled people#when institutional accommodations are gone interpersonal accommodations must pick up the slack#the sterile distance between the disabled characters of Station Eleven and everyone around them that was supposedly forming a ~community~#was the most hopeless and depressing part of the book for me#absolute clown shoes to write a book about how important culture is after the fall of civilization#but let everyone with a Condition™️ flat out die from lack of community. do better than her#ableism mention cw
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hiiii tumblr 💕
#what a week i have had tumblr!!!#you may remember my new dog from last weekend! her name is back to foxy and will remain as such <3#i have been sick this week and very miserable and i become an emotional mess when i am sick so i have been#EXTREMELY overwhelmed with foxy </3#BUT !!!! i finally feel better today and i also feel better with my new fuzzy friend!!!#i have figured out what i need in my day to not be completely overwhelmed and i think i will no longer have any meltdowns about her#foxy is doing well and our other dogs are adjusting well to her presence!! i think she and bear will grow to be great friends#she still has her stitches from being spayed but when they come out next week she'll be able to play more & i think they'll both enjoy that#unfortunately i have gotten literally no reading done since she came to live with us so RIP to my readathon but that is okay!! in good news#i HAVE watched almost all of the good place this week bc it's what i watch when i'm sick & even though i'm not sick anymore i'm Invested#okay life update over it's almost foxy's bedtime so i must go!! anyway ily gay people in my phone <3333#personal post
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The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."
#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags#Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts#and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then#after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly.#No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there?????#This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries#and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof.#Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ??#No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever#They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :('#Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up#And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt#But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people#Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but.#Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap#And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me#Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand#Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong'#I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this#Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both#Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm#Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken#I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better#And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right#But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and#My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.'#'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you'#If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting#Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt#Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day
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Nearly all the Tavs/Durges I've made are the way they are either because I thought the idea of them was either Cool or Funny.
The ones I've gone furtest with are both.
Shoutout to redeemed durge Nightlight, deep gnome Ancients Paladin of Lathander who ended up with the vampire. 10/10, bounces back and fourth between hilarious and powerfully moving/inspirational like a rogue ping pong ball set loose in a arcade birthday party.
#bg3#Durge#redeemed durge#paladin#gnome durge#Woke up with no memories#but did have a book of paladin oaths as one of her only posessions#went “guess that must be who I am” and followed the tenants blindly at first - then realized she liked the way good felt#that's when it became more personal to her and also when she started leaning a bit into chaos#I hc after the story she becomes a Paladin of Jergal - no shade to Lathander - she still respects him#but she definitely has a Thing about not all undead being evil and all innocents deserving a chance that does not mesh with#Lathander's Kill All Undead on Principle thing#Jergal is a better fit - but new dawns and new beginnings hit her hecka hard when she stumbled across that book straight off the squid ship#and she definitely did not know who a Jergal was#And yes - maybe I did think it would be funny for Durge to be constantly looking up at everyone#and for the gnome to be the heavy hitter in heavy armor who could definitely lift you up even though you're 3 times taller#and for the Lathander follower to end up dating a Vampire#anyway~
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Something about making your mother cry that makes you think you need to go to jail
#personal posts#my mother's mother was an alcoholic too#I'm repeating patterns that probably traumatized her#and watching her child go from psych ward to psych ward and finishing one therapy after another yet still being sick#must be more difficult than I can imagine#I'm deeply sorry#you know I don't really care about myself#but I do care about the people I'm hurting and dragging down with me#I've dragged so many people down#and yet I'm still here repeating the same patterns#my roommates words about us being sick really are true#I'm realizing this for the first time in my life#I don't care about protecting myself#but I want to get better for the ones who love me#tw addiction#she always offers me help yet I turn it down#because my life is my responsibility and I don't want anyone to become co-addicted#but maybe turning down people's offers to help hurts them more in the end#it's something I'm learning#first evening at home is hard#but I'm still sober#and coping by listening to music#writing poetry#and smoking by an open windows#(because you have to be melodramatic sometimes#addiction tag
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The degree of RAGE I feel every time I listen to an interview with and/or about a nonbinary person/character, and the interviewer just is allergic to they/them pronouns. Like. My dude. My good bitch. My brother in Christ. The whole POINT of this conversation is the enby thing. How are you failing THIS badly?!
#this dude bringing up an enby actor to an enby actor and using ONLY she/her pronouns for like two straight minutes#they should not HAVE to say ‘them. them.’ to correct you. you should be SO on that#I mean do better in general but ESPECIALLY in these circumstances#it’s so apparent when people just. refuse to try. and it’s fucking infuriating#also for this man to be talking about a movie that is LARGELY about gender expression and being nonbinary#and just be constantly reducing it to a 'love story'#like. no. it's not that. i mean you can take that out of it if you like (that man was AWFUL so i choose to uh. not.)#but the story was ABOUT gender. and gender presentation. and gender identity and looking a certain way but BEING a different thing inside#and to reduce that to 'a love story' to ensure this story is given half to this man who frankly does not narratively deserve it#is such a dude thing to do. to write and then to see in the finished product. whereas a queer person. an enby person. is gonna be like.#well. LOT more going on there actually. the 'love' is a weird complex backdrop for the actual things going on.#anyway. apparently that's my soapbox for the day#just reminds me of a few famous queer female movies where the story inevitably becomes ABOUT the bland white man who somehow convinces them#to sleep with him/date him/whatever. like. i. hated those movies as a teen and i hate them now. let non-men have their stories without dude#if they must be there do NOT pull the focus from the non-men to make sure the cishet boys aren't left out. this isn't for you. stop it.
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i just want to say i love you constantly to everything everyone if i think about it too long it becomes so overwhelming it feels i am made of it
#bloodletting#perhaps part of the problem is i dont want to be not... just me? i miss geralt i am wholly myself. but perhaps also becoming something else?#it is daunting. 'scary' is a word both somewhat juvenile for me and reserved for someone else#but it is... something like that.#i do not know if this is at all anything that makes sense#especially because since we share memory and the worst is that it mostly gets very blurred + distant#it feels odd to... be?#i hate feeling the 'am i allowed to call myself xyz' impulse but this website is a prison for#being 'insecure' for lack of a better word about plurality#it feels desperately violently sickeningly wrong to call ourselves the same person and we do not share#many emotions or opinions or impulses. is that not enough? i must disclose our emotional neglect first i see...?
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I am in a philosophical mood tonight, and I was thinking—it is strange to me that some people demand the gods do more, more “good”, why will they not make the world a better place, etc. I see this answered in the fact they are not human and see things differently, but I did come to another conclusion: not all people are good, and when you give certain people access to unlimited divine gifts, the corruption in the heart stirs—evil and pains can be caused, not just with unhealthy greed and hatred, but the abuse of power. Besides, none can overwrite human willpower.
perhaps that is why becoming better matters so much, and why heroes must die.
#dragonis.txt#helpol#simply thinking…#I have been becoming an even better person recently#and it struck me because my relationship with the gods is better#one must do what they can#for this beautiful world
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new interest is misguided selfish nico. yeah he’s real keen on self-sacrifice but he considers/attempts it in self-interest. maybe he wanted to trade his soul for bianca’s so instead of being liable for her death he’d be her savior, thus absolving him of personal guilt, allowing him to die thinking he’d done something good. maybe he was willing to transport the athena parthenos bc he didn’t fear dying while trying, failing to consider if he killed reyna and hedge during the process, or how his life might be more useful to saving others besides being a sublimation-style taxi service. dude wants to help people but his self esteem is so low that he can’t recognize the benefits of staying alive
#if he had went through with sacrificing himself anytime he considered it#probably everyone would be dead#even in tbotl minos would probably take his life instead and then kill daedalus afterward#minos never intended to let bianca come back so its not like she wouldve filled in#the idea of sacrificing yourself is noble#but it should not be plan a#cause if youre looking for a tool#living people are far better tools than dead ones#he never really considered that people might be hurt if he died#physically and emotionally#which i find interesting#i think if you want to save people you must learn and train and strengthen yourself so that you can protect and help people while alive#anyone could take a bullet for someone#including a corspe#but thats a one-time thing#more profitable to become a person whose life is valuable#maybe the act of being alive is a responsibility in of itself#in and of itself#tl;dr it's easier to help people if you're alive#soup talk#soup post#nico di angelo
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Does anyone have any food habits that’s literally make no fucking sense?
So like its 2 am and my brain has been thinking about this for a while and honestly I feel so bad for my mom, because I know she was right (for once) about certain things that involved food with me growing up.
This turned into me ranting about food.
Like I know that no matter how you cut your toast/sandwich it will taste the same but god damn the triangle cut is the right way. It just tastes wrong when it’s a rectangle or in any other form. (Though with peanut butter sandwiches, crustables are an acceptation)
I also know that Spaghetti sauce that is mixed in with the pasta is exactly the same as it just being place on top of the pasta. But god damn it my brain won’t allow me to eat it if it’s mixed. (Acceptation being when it’s left overs)
Pizza is pizza but circle pizza is superior to sheet pizza fucking fight me
Strawberry Cake pops will and always taste better then regular strawberry cake. (It’s the exact fucking thing different form, and I hate Starbucks cake pops)
Relish is basically pickles but if you even think about bringing that shit near me I will deck you (I love pickles)
Mashed potatoes taste the same whether you mix them with a mixer or not. But, god damn I want them mixed with a mixer even though most times the texture is the same along with flavor.
You can not simply just fucking bake fries and get away with it, they are named fries for a reason so fucking fry them 😡 (for me, I know some people can’t handle grease)
Bananas are bananas but none of them ever taste the same. I know it has to do something with ripeness but for the love of god ice cream shops have the best ones, but if I bite into one and it doesn’t taste right I’m spitting it out.
Trail mixes taste the same whether you eat them randomly or pick and organize all of them and then eat all of the m&m’s first. (Does this stop me from separating it, no)
Anything with coconut can die
Turkey sucks ass on thanksgiving, or the first day it is cooked. It is far superior as left overs even though it’s exactly the same thing.
Eggs are wacky as fuck, scrambled eggs taste amazing and are good for the first two bites and then after it’s immediate regret.
All of Mcdonalds chicken nuggets are the same, but each shape tastes different to me (I worked at Mcdonalds and have cooked and seen with my own eyes that they are all the same)
Anything with the name casserole in it was created from satans balls and deserves to go into purgatory or be force fed to bigots as punishment.
Shepards pie can not be made with cream corn, it just can’t has to be made with regular
Frosting is overrated
Mac and Cheese has to be creamy, for the love of god don’t bake it. (It tastes the same but oh my god)
I can’t eat something sweet with out having something salty after words it’s becoming a problem because there is nothing salty enough in my place
Fruity Pebbles are far superior then coco pebbles
Cheerios are just the boring straight version of fruit loops (spoiler alert no cereal is healthy) ((I could be wrong don’t quote me))
I don’t trust Squash
Pumpkins are overrated but cookies are okay
Banana bread isn’t good without chocolate chips
Also salads aren’t made the same, they have to be at room temp and not wet for me to eat it.
I don’t even know where I went for some of this, I just blacked out and typed 👁️👄👁️ but does anyone else have a weird thing with food? Another one I have is I can’t drink from a can without tapping the top first.
#like I have so many food rants#I know that half of these just don’t make sense#like the shape of something#it just doesn’t make sense#food rants#like I have so many things that bug me#like I will hyperdixate on a certain food for two weeks and then not be able to eat it for a long time#I can’t eat food because most times I’m just not interested unless I’m hyper fixated on one#I have eaten so many chicken pot pies#also everything tastes better when I cook it#I’m tempted to go get diagnosed because the unable to eat unless I’m interested is becoming a issue#also I’m a very judge mental person when it comes to food#not of what people mix together#like you do you#but I’m judging if you are trying to cook it for me#I can’t change my food up#like a hamburger must stay a hamburger for the love of god don’t make a casserole from it#like don’t gas light me I know damn well my grandma didn’t put that into that one dish#my brain is weird#is this normal?#imma pretend it is#I am so sorry to everyone who is following me for steddie stuff#but this is important business
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