Dan Heng has always been something of an archivist ever since he was little; taking notes and recording his thoughts. Here are some scattered fragments from a journal that got lost when he was exiled; one he used to have as a child.
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I finally finished reading the civics books I was given. But I understand even less now. If those are all the laws the Xianzhou follow then why am I here? I haven't broken any of them but everyone acts like I did something horrible.
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I believe ▉▉▉ got sick, as there was a new guard this morning. I don't like him. He's colder and crueler. My 'book privileges' were threatened by correcting a mistake he made. Is it wrong to tell someone they got your name wrong?
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I've stopped correcting them. They never learn. I looked in my books for the name they keep using and found it in a history book. I don't understand why they keep confusing me for that man. The descriptions of him do sound similar, but he's older, and dead, and it's too dark here to really see what people look like anyway. I don't understand them.
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The guards talk to each other during shift changes. I often hear mention of the weather. It must be nice to see the sky, however false it is. I've read that the food here has the same vitamin as sunlight so they don't need windows and they can keep the lights dim. Are the false skies of each delve as beautiful as their descriptions or are my books outdated? Many of them are old. The guards don't like getting me new things, often saying I'm undeserving of them. I don't see how as I've been compliant and polite, but I am still here so they must be right. I'll try to do better.
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The General came to visit again! Such a rare occurrence but always appreciated. He's so nice, even if he does seem sad every time. I wish I could help. In the past I've offered my books and even a portion of my food. I understand he likely has much better but isn't it the thought that counts?
This time I was gifted a set of brushes to improve my penmanship, a book on the different species of the Xianzhou, and I overheard him speaking with a guard about allowing me 'spear practice'. Am I to be trained? I don't understand why. I don't deserve it.
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Some of the guards are strange. One was saying goodbye to another during shift change and wrapped their arms tightly around the other. I wonder what that means.
No-one has ever touched me like that.
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I finished the book on species. They were all interesting, but the section on vidyadhara made a lot of things clearer. I understand now why I am here. Why I don't deserve things. I don't believe it's really fair but complaining has only made things worse in the past. My only option is to accept things as they are and move forward.
Why did he sin?
Did he know what it would cost me?
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My books say vidyadhara can control water, but that it takes a lot of practice. I'm going to try with my shower. If I work at it enough maybe I can entertain the guards?
If I do will they like me more?
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I formed an orb with the water from my shower! It's a lot easier than my books implied. But the guard startled me by yelling when he saw it and was even madder when I got him wet.
I won't try again for a while.
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The General came back today with another gift. There was a loud argument between him and some guards but I believe he won. I've been given a spear that looks incredibly familiar but I can't pinpoint why. He says it's called Cloud-Piercer and that it's my right to have it. He's strange. Prisoners don't have rights. But he is kinder than the guards and I do want to keep the spear. There's something about it...
He says he'll spar with me next he gets a chance. I told him my cell is too small for that and he explained there are larger areas here we can go. That was a surprise. I've only ever been allowed to leave my cell when they clean it, and I have to stay right outside it anyway.
I'm excited to see another room and learn some combat skills. Perhaps in the future I'll be able to defend myself. If I ever get to leave.
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A guard during shift change was complaining about the heat in the delve, and another recommended a trip to a 'pool'. I had to scour my books and scrolls to find what they were talking about. Someday I hope to try one. Perhaps I will be allowed a small tub to fill with water from the showerhead? Water has always been comforting for some reason. I was once reprimanded for letting the shower run too long, but a tub of water would mean I could enjoy it without making them angry.
But I won't ask. They don't like my questions.
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The General returned today for spear practice! I was also gifted a pauldron for my coat; it's hard to be certain in the gloom here but it seems like it's made of jade. As I thanked him he handed me a hairtie, explaining that until one is skilled enough all obstructions should be removed for training.
He smiled when I tied my hair back. He seems happier when I change my appearance in some fashion. I wonder why.
I also like it better this way. Would the guards allow me a haircut?
Spear practice went well. He called me a 'natural' despite my obviously inferior skills. I'll keep practicing. My cell is too small for a proper spar but I can spin and jab the spear without damaging the walls so I will keep trying to improve by working on my forms.
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My latest group of books included one of poems. I quite like some of them. I wish I could share them with someone but the guards don't care to be read to.
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Another guard brought up the weather outside. I left my showerhead running to try mimicking 'rain' despite the shouting from my cell door.
Perhaps someday I'll figure out how to mimic a 'cloud'.
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There was a mass sentencing today. Some other prisoners were walked down the hall past my cell in the morning.
Only half of them returned.
I reread my civics books to brush up on Xianzhou laws and punishments. Some crimes are worthy of death.
I pity them. I don't know what they've done, perhaps it truly was worth such a result in the eyes of the Judges, but I don't believe anyone deserves death.
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There have been arguments about my status. I think they often forget how well vidyadhara can hear. I wasn't worried, I've been here for many years, but then someone brought up execution.
For what? Haven't they already executed the criminal for his sin? That is why I am here is it not? What have I done while spending my life in this cell to deserve such a fate?
I forget myself sometimes. Prisoners don't deserve anything. We don't have rights. I should just be glad I've lived this long. Perhaps my next incarnation will get to see the sun.
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I found myself staring up at the faint lights in my cell until my vision was filled with spots. It's not good for my eyes but what does it matter when I won't be using them much longer? It was something new to try.
I plan to fill my remaining days with new things.
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I shaped my shower water into globules reminiscent of the cloud descriptions in my books and floated them across the ceiling of my cell. I managed to keep them there for hours despite the loud reprimand.
You won't take my false sky until I allow it.
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The General returned. He says he will try to speak on my behalf and alter my sentence. I trust his heart is in the right place but I have no faith in the system. I thanked him for his efforts and returned to annotating my books.
I'm not certain how much longer I have.
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The word 'exile' was floated about among the guards today. I'm still not sure what to think.
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My sentencing is today. This will be my last entry. The guards say the General will be arriving to escort me. I thought it odd they told me to bring Cloud-Piercer when that happens but perhaps they simply want to reappropriate their equipment.
I'm not certain who I was ever writing this for, perhaps only to get my thoughts out of my head, but if anyone finds it I hope my writings are useful in some capacity.
Farewell.
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An entry has been added after the seemingly final one, but it is so warped by water damage in a pattern almost like tears fallen on the page that it's nearly illegible. The only clear text is something about exile, a few words about the 'grand majesty' of something, and the phrase, "It was more beautiful than I ever imagined."
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@traincarsandstars said: "Hmm." Stelle hummed, slowly apporting and hesitantly reaching out to touch the fabric herself. She traced the lotus slowly with her finger, noting how the texture difference between it and the rest of the strip of clothing.
"Sorry… About before," she suddenly said. "Before we went to fight Phantylia, sorry I didn't say anything. A lot of things happened, and people who I thought I knew… Changed." Stelle frowned and let out a small sigh through her nose. "But," she turned to look up at her friend with an uncharacteristically bright smile on her face. "I'm glad you're still you. March is right, even though you look different, you're still Dan Heng- Archivist of the Astral Express and our best friend."
(stelle to dan heng [just wanted to give a bit more love to our resident noodle man] )
He calmly watches her with the fabric, the way she traces the lotus, and makes a mental note on her interests. Perhaps he can find more information on them for her in the archives, or purchase some before they leave the Luofu.
The sudden apology is a surprise, but a welcome one. It's quite a relief to finally have an explanation. Stelle can often be rather quiet, something he relates to, but in that particular moment her silence had only served to reinforce his concern that things would be different. Yes, she too had been through quite an ordeal so he had heard, and it was perhaps unfair to expect her usual self at the time, but that is the benefit of hindsight. He had been in no position to consider in the moment, mind having been pulled in so many uncomfortable directions at once.
Her words are a comfort. That point of view is something he has come to appreciate of the current Nameless of the Astral Express; they look at him and see him. Even now. He detests this form as a reminder of the baggage forced upon him. But even when the truths he hid are shining bright for all to see the Astral Express crew, his friends, still see him.
That's what really matters.
A fond chuckle at Stelle's beaming grin, a rarity from her. ❝And you are still Stelle, the compassionate and optimistic enigma I proudly call a friend. People can change, they may hide, but my intentions were never to cause you grief. I hope you can accept my apology as well.❞ A brief pause before adding somewhat teasingly, ❝After all I will need your assistance in the archives when we return to the Express. First-hand accounts are always prefered.❞
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@traincarsandstars said: "I am me, and you are you." Bailu declared with a huff. "No matter what other people think, you and I different people from who we were before. Don't let other people force you to be someone you're not."
(bailu to dan heng. *chucks more support towards dan heng's direction)
Had she been eavesdropping? He has half a mind to gently reprimand her, but then again this is a public area. People overhearing is to be expected. He's simply thankful no-one has tried to accost him yet. And Bailu makes a valid point. Despite growing up in someone's shadow, despite people trying to fit him into that mold, he is not them. He is Dan Heng. And he will stand by that until his own rebirth. ❝You are right. Thank you.❞
Perhaps it's simply the events of late getting to him. He's spent so long outrunning his past that when it finally caught up to him it was overwhelming. He will be more comfortable when they return to the Express. But for now at least his close friends and their allies are a comfort.
He doesn't know Bailu well but Stelle, March, and Mr. Yang all vouched for her and he trusts their opinions. It may also be useful to befriend and possibly learn from a fellow vidyadhara. She surely has more practical experience, and evidently sound advice if perhaps a touch of a stubborn streak from what he's heard. But who is he to judge? ("You don't have to get in the ring just cause Sampo suggested it, you know." ❝I can take them.❞)
❝I am sorry that my predecessor's actions caused you so much trouble, however. Your strength of heart despite that speaks volumes. I would be glad to call you High Elder, but you are right that we must not allow others to choose our paths for us.❞ A brief pause before, ❝Also how long have you been standing there?❞ He hadn't noticed her, and yes she is short but that doesn't matter. Is he that spent or is she just that stealthy? Perhaps both.
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@traincarsandstars said: "Hey Dan Heng… Just wanted to let you know, I'm glad you're still here and… The flowers on your jacket are really pretty."
For a moment it's just silence, the right words fleeing his mind. After everything that happened... ("How am I still one of the Nameless?") He'd said it more out of frustration at the time than genuine belief, but there'd been a faint worry in the back of his mind ever since Blade had stabbed him that his companions wouldn't treat him the same upon learning the truth. Even now he still worries, though he supposes at this point it's just anxiety getting the better of him. They'd all proven him wrong, glad to have him back regardless.
So why does Stelle's comment catch him off guard?
Those words are warm, almost tangibly so, and at this point he wouldn't be surprised if that was some hidden skill she has.
❝Thank you, Stelle...❞ And that's not for complimenting his clothes. It's the first time he's smiled since he came to the Luofu, and though small it's a good sign. Thank you, for everything, but right now mostly for him still being wanted.
As for the compliment, there are flowers on his clothes? He hadn't really bothered to examine his outfit other than acknowledging that he was now wearing the traditional robes for the title he's never identified with. But if she thinks they're pretty...
Dan Heng looks down, awkwardly twisting to see what she was talking about, and upon finding it grabs one of the strips of cloth hanging around his waist to get a closer look. Oh. ❝They're white lotuses I believe. A flower that grows in water. They're often associated with resiliance given how they rise through the mud and murk of the water to bloom on the surface.❞
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