#^ I got this ask about a month ago and I've been debating just deleting it or not. Because I'm 32 yrs old
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Your story doesn't add up, there are too many logical inconsistencies. Just gonna copy+paste a great comment from BORU:
"Starting with the very beginning… So they broke up but lived together and coparented without dating anyone else for YEARS? But she was okay with him dating as long as she got to meet the lady first? Ummmm… Possible, but not realistic. Except then why would he take their daughter clothes shopping without OP while she is just chilling at home? Then turn around before they even get to the store because GF summoned him…? He’s managed to secretly date for 6 months then randomly ditches his crying daughter back off to expose him. Could happen, but again it is odd. He calls to smooth it over and OP is all, “I was hoping we could FINALLY coparent in peace.” Um, finally? Because as of 2 days ago y’all were living together in a separated-while-together bliss. Suddenly the new GF moves in with the in-laws. OP assumes she can just show up like it’s fine without speaking to any of the adults. But she wouldn’t want to put the kid in the middle, oh no! The in-laws back away and she has a “sneaky suspicion” it is because of the new GF. As we used to say, no shit Sherlock. Can we also take a moment to acknowledge that OP has a very unique situation where she doesn’t have any financial concerns with Ex moving out. Also has more free time than FIL to take MIL to medical appointments etc. Naturally new GF also has such free time. “There is no custody agreement.” I am mentioning that even though it never occurred to me to get one until the later comments bring it up. Remember, I don’t think kids should be put in the middle. That’s why my child decides who to stay with at her whim. Panic attack over a jury notice… What? Daughter is a daddy’s girl that mostly chose to stay with her dad. Even after K moved in. (Which seemed to have happened immediately.) But they should make official the status quo that daughter mostly stays with OP and only visits dad. Which is it!?! That’s before we get into the cartoonish caper. Through I appreciated that OP explained to us what a safe is used for and how it works."
Yeeaahh, I saw this ended up on Reddit. Yay for me, truly.
You know what? Screw it, let's be petty and respond to strangers speculating about my life point by point.
"Starting with the very beginning… So they broke up but lived together and coparented without dating anyone else for YEARS?
When did I say we never dated anyone else for years? I went on a few dates and so did my ex, but that wasn't relevant to the post so I didn't see the need to recount his or my dating history. I'm not really interested in getting into another serious relationship at this point in my life and thought it was the same for my ex. To be fair, that was an assumption on my part because when we were living together we mostly just talked about chores and bills and our daughter, we didn't discuss life plans or our love lives anything. It would just occasionally come up that he had been on dates with various women and if it did I would say something like "Cool. How did it go?" to be cordial, and he would usually respond with "Fine". Before K I never saw any signs that he was getting serious about anyone, and I never asked for details.
But she was okay with him dating as long as she got to meet the lady first? Ummmm… Possible, but not realistic.
When did I say I had to meet every girl he dated? I have no idea how many women he dated in between 2020 and 2023. I DID assume if he ever got serious about someone he would tell me about her before making her a fixture in our child's life, though. And yes, that much was on me. I really did just assume we could have a casual roommate relationship where we didn't really talk about personal stuff, but also be coparents who discuss anything that might affect our child at the same time. I agree that's pretty contradictory looking back.
Except then why would he take their daughter clothes shopping without OP while she is just chilling at home? Then turn around before they even get to the store because GF summoned him…? He’s managed to secretly date for 6 months then randomly ditches his crying daughter back off to expose him. Could happen, but again it is odd.
The "why would he take his daughter clothes shopping while OP is at home" bit is odd to me. Why did a father take his daughter to buy things she needed? Do I need to be there for her to get clothes? Is this a "all dads are incompetent parents" thing? Because before all this happened I would have said he was a pretty good dad.
As for that specific incident: My daughter wasn't crying in her dad's car, she was actually mad at him. I was working on my laptop and I heard a car door slam from inside and our dog started barking like someone was there. A second later the front door slammed, which surprised me because I thought they'd be gone for another hour at least, so I went to see what was going on. I saw my daughter stomping to her room looking like she was about to cry from frustration. I asked her what was wrong and that's when she started crying. I agree my original wording made it sound like she was sadly crying her eyes out in the car, when I should have clarified she's an angry crier, as that changes the context.
I can't say with 100% certainty why K called and wanted my ex to come over right away, and why my daughter couldn't be there for that when she had met K before. But considering she was living with her son at the time and they also took drugs together? I'm assuming her son was out of the apartment and she wanted my ex over to do adult things or drug related things, but I have no way of confirming that.
He calls to smooth it over and OP is all, “I was hoping we could FINALLY coparent in peace.” Um, finally? Because as of 2 days ago y’all were living together in a separated-while-together bliss.
You know how they say "ignorance is bliss"? I THOUGHT we were coparenting peacefully, only to find out my ex had been, for reasons unknown to me, coercing my child into lying to me to cover up his relationship for god knows how long. I did not know how long or for what reason at the time and didn't want to stress out my daughter by pressing for more details when she was already upset over her dad moving out. So yes, those few days I was thinking a lot about how long things must have been going on for, and how a situation I thought was peaceful was anything but just under the surface.
Suddenly the new GF moves in with the in-laws.
I agree it was pretty sudden. It happened about 2 and a half months after my ex moved out, so they had only been dating for 8 months or so. I did not know why at the time and it wasn't my business to ask. I now know she had been kicked out of her son's house for her drug use and had nowhere else to go.
OP assumes she can just show up like it’s fine without speaking to any of the adults.
I did assume that, yes. FIL and MIL have always had an open door policy for family, and at the time I thought I was still being included in family. It was not uncommon for me, or my ex, or my daughter, to come over unannounced. I mentioned that in the post, but only in passing, so maybe I should have expanded upon that more: I showed up without telling FIL and MIL I was coming all the time. They were always happy to receive me, or at least give me a "sorry, not a good time, can you come back tomorrow?"
But she wouldn’t want to put the kid in the middle, oh no!
K and my ex were mad at me for coming over and were being pretty toxic about it. My daughter invited me over. If I told them that, they could have directed that toxic anger towards her. I would rather them be angry at me than her, when just by me ASKING if she had asked if it was ok that I come over, I had made her realize that wasn't a smart move. She felt bad for doing it. The lesson had been learned. I didn't need them blowing up at her like my ex was at me, so yes I didn't throw her under the bus to save my own skin in that situation. Should I not have done that? Maybe, but I honestly can't say I regret doing it.
The in-laws back away and she has a “sneaky suspicion” it is because of the new GF. As we used to say, no shit Sherlock.
I agree, hindsight is 20/20, and I should have known a new variable (K) might have meant the status quo of me coming and going from FIL and MIL's house as I please had changed. I had genuinely not considered she might have a problem being around me, and that's the whole reason I was concerned I might be TA. That is, as we used to say, my b.
Can we also take a moment to acknowledge that OP has a very unique situation where she doesn’t have any financial concerns with Ex moving out. Also has more free time than FIL to take MIL to medical appointments etc. Naturally new GF also has such free time.
This is really presumptuous apropos of nothing. Just because I did not discuss my financial situation in the post (because it was not relevant) doesn't mean my ex moving out didn't put a financial strain on me. It did. I DID have more time to help FIL and MIL out when my ex lived with me, because having 2 incomes and splitting household costs meant I could work less hours. The flexible hours coupled with the fact I've worked remotely for a few years now meant I could be the one to stay with MIL in the hospital. I would sleep in her hospital room and stay with her all day (often times glued to my laptop, but still there physically at least), then go home to shower, change, and make dinner for myself, my daughter, my ex, and FIL. Drive the food over to FIL and visit with him for an hour or 2, then drive back to the hospital and stay the night with MIL.
When she got out of the hospital I switched to only going over 2 or 3 times a week, usually to be the one to accompany her to doctor's appointments or physical therapy or grocery shopping or to clean. But they would also invite me over just to do fun things sometimes, like go karting or fishing or out to dinner.
After my ex moved out I picked up another job, and right now I'm on call at one or the other job 6 days a week. K didn't have a job, but (according to MIL) got disablity checks every month. I didn't ask what kind of disability she had, because it's none of my business and not relevant to anything concerning me.
“There is no custody agreement.” I am mentioning that even though it never occurred to me to get one until the later comments bring it up.
It didn't occur to me to get one not because I wasn't aware custody agreements exist, but because I genuinely didn't think about the fact that my ex might try to take my child from me. Call me naive, I know I was, but it just never occurred to me as a possibility before all this started to happen. He had given me no reason to think he might do something like that. To me "custody agreement" meant piece of paper setting up a schedule for where the child goes and when, and that's what I meant by "there is no custody agreement" in the first instance. I knew they existed, it just didn't occur to me I needed one, and that was my bad. I've said so.
Remember, I don’t think kids should be put in the middle. That’s why my child decides who to stay with at her whim.
This is an odd sentiment to me as well. Yes? I don't think a child should be put in the middle as a "Well don't look at me, look at her! She did it!" when their parents are arguing over something. But they should also get a say in who they would like to live with? Plus my daughter isn't a toddler. If that were the case I would absolutely want to a court order to split time with her as equally as possible, but she's almost a teenager now. She's her own person and should get some say in where she goes and when.
Panic attack over a jury notice… What?
Sometimes people have irrational fears, and my ex was irrationally anxious about going to court for any reason. Yes he's been to jail before, no he didn't have a traumatic event happen in a court room that I'm aware of. He just felt like being there made him extremely anxious and didn't want to go back for any reason. Idk what to tell you beyond I'm not gonna dive further into the father of my child's personal anxieties to justify a post for the internet.
Daughter is a daddy’s girl that mostly chose to stay with her dad. Even after K moved in. (Which seemed to have happened immediately.) But they should make official the status quo that daughter mostly stays with OP and only visits dad. Which is it!?!
She WAS a daddy's girl that loved her dad and was slowly starting to warm up to K, until all this stuff happened, and then she was mad at her dad and K and didn't want to talk to them until they apologized to her. Idk how that is hard to follow.
And while she mostly chose to stay at MIL and FIL's house back then, it was not her primary residence. All official school and medical documents listed her address as MY house. She doesn't have her own room at MIL and FIL's house, she sleeps on the couch, she brings clothes in her backpack, etc. My house was her primary residence where she DID have a bed, her own room, a closet full of clothes, etc. Most days she would get off the bus from school at our house, hang out with me for a while, then grab some clothes and ask me to drop her off at FIL and MIL's house. Or ask her dad to come get her. Sometimes the answer was no, but for the most part neither of us had a problem letting her come and go as she pleased, and she was also content to be like that.
That’s before we get into the cartoonish caper. Through I appreciated that OP explained to us what a safe is used for and how it works."
I agree the original description was cartoonish, as I was reporting what a 12 year old had told me about an incident she did not see and had only heard about. Children lie, children exaggerate, children misremember. I wouldn't have mentioned the money being stolen at all had I not been able to confirm it by seeing my MIL complain about it on Facebook. I said as much myself back in December.
And I felt the need to explain the safe required both a key AND combination because not every safe does? Some only need one or the other.
#^ I got this ask about a month ago and I've been debating just deleting it or not. Because I'm 32 yrs old#With a kid and a mortgage and two jobs. I have much better things to do than cope and seethe about what strangers on the internet say#But what the hell. I shall cope and seethe just a little bit. I deserve it
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Sighh, I was debating on whether or not I should send this, I know you coming across this it might seem like something to just overpass because it's non law of assumption related and probably will be a bit long.
I don't even know if you'll see this as you probably have so many asks and you haven't been on here in a while or as much(don't mean this in a bad way I swear 🙃).
I've known you since you started a few years ago on Tumblr and I honestly love seeing how much you've grown, and how beautiful you are in every way, you've always been so eloquent, graceful and pulchritudinous (even though I've never seen you in person I'm sure you very much, I don't need to see you to know you're absolutely beautiful).
I appreciate you so much, your attention to detail, your ability to understand and your ability to make people understand are all things I've always looked up to up to.
You've been an inspiration to me, to be more honest, to start writing again, I love your posts you write about certain topics, whether it be about people, law or assumption, the self, all of it so beautiful.
Thank you for what you do. I remember sending you a message a few months ago(on your other account), you told me to message you but I couldn't because I think your inbox wasn't open, I was so nervous and I sent an ask asking about it but I don't think you got it, which is completely okay! I'm not just sending this message to suck up to you, it's because I was looking at that ask I sent and I kept thinking about it.
Even if you don't see this, and it's lost in your inbox, I'm still sending it because at least I did. You've been a huge part of my journey in law of assumption, you were literally one of the first blogs (I think the first) I followed and it was a little after when you had first started it.
I remember all the drama and all the laughs, seeing you talk about important topics, people, sending you music, and now seeing you being as beautiful as you always have been and somehow even more if it's even possible to be that beautiful. You've always been a representation of what a good person or an honest person who has all the qualities of kindness, assertiveness and eloquence is to me. I've seen you on this blog for the past few years as a comfort for me, an everlasting kindness and safe space, which in my past I didn't really know what that was like, then I came across your blog and you as a person in general has such warmth, comfort in your spirit, I could easily feel it whenever I'm on your blog.
I may sound so overly complimentary towards and maybe it's my way of compensating for being a bit scared(I can promise you that all of it is honest though), and from your end it may sound weird since you don't really know me, and to be fair, I don't know you either but you mean a lot to me, I'll probably never forget you in my journey of life, even if you one day delete your blog. I know I said before that I don't mind if you don't see this but honestly a part of me is hoping you see this.
I don't know if I'm gonna take anon off or not because I'm a bit scared, for what? I don't know, I admire you greatly, so so much, I've always wanted to be your friend but I've been so shy. I know you'd be such an amazing friend too.
I wanna say I'm sorry if anything I say on here makes you uncomfortable or that it's too long or it seems weird or you want nothing to do with it, honestly my point of this message, I don't know why but I just have been contemplating lately about you because I kept remembering so much from when I first came on here, so much things I was so shy or nervous to say.
Anyway I absolutely adore and love you, just like I used to before, I still look forward to your posts and your asks even if you don't stay on here as much, notifications for you have stayed on for years, I don't plan on taking it off honestly, I hope you do get this, at least I hope you see it and read it even if not answering 💖
💖🥺
i am so happy i came across this. this was so beautiful.
it warms my heart to know that you have supported me throughout my ugliness, the drama & how dumb & crazy i can get. i love that you’ve been there through my highs and lows and in all honesty that shows what kind of person you are.
honestly i wonder if my posts even do help or if i just blabber on stupidly so to know that they could provide something for you is so amazing. i have no words for this i truly have no words.
you are a kind and beautiful soul who deserves the best, for you to send me this message is just beautiful in itself.
there was a point in time on tumblr where i was considered this hard-headed disciplined person that people should be terrified of or whatever but you didnt see that in me. you saw something different, you actually saw me for who i am and i cant thank you enough for doing that.
you’re now an inspiration to me. ill remember you, ill remember that you sent me this message and ill remember that your message was full of love and ill give that love right back.
you’re so kind, you’re so sweet. i cant thank you enough for being there for me. even when we had our small chats, even if we never even interacted before. its just incredible
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Honestly, relating to your WoW/FFXIV post, I wonder if the 'great community, by the way' thing only has become what it has because the influx of WoW players? I hope it stops because acting like everyone in XIV is a perfect saint is only going to upset people even more if someone is even slightly less positive in game. I don't know I hope the whole WoW vs FFXIV stuff dies down, even Yoshi-P had to basically say 'shut up, WoW is what we want XIV to be, and we'll never even touch the heights WotLK had.' I just think if Blizzard hadn't been ousted as a bunch of sexual abusers it wouldn't be this extreme, like trashing WoW is kind of 'slacktivism' in a way. Sorry this is so long you're just the only person I've followed that did the WoW -> XIV jump and you haven't really done the extreme 180 everyone else has, and I think you have good opinions on things. Also I hope you have a good day :)
Thanks for the kind words! I'm flattered to hear that you like my opinions and attitude. I do try my best to not be grating over things like games.
I will put a 'read more' because I do get into a bit in detail for this ask.
I personally do get a bit tired of the costant ffxiv and wow comparison and debate too. That's why I sometimes make fun of it in a light way, and make jokes or memes about it, but also keep to myself when debates come out and people start complaining or piling up discourse over discourse. I'm just glad to enjoy my game and see people enjoying it too, that's enough for me. I honestly don't have the patience or age to withstand game discourse anymore lmao.
I completely understand why people would want to switch games because of the recent Blizz horrifying actions, the fact that the game apparently hasn't been fun or well curated in a long time, or just for funsies and switching things up. I'm absolutely not complaining about the switch in games, if anything, I'm glad people are giving other games a chance. But I am a bit tired about the costant comparison, discourse, and millions of videos essays where people try to defend wow (as if you needed to defend a game you like... you can enjoy that game, period, and not create wars over it), or people making huge ffxiv against wow essays. Like I said some months ago, I studied the whole 'wow effect' for my thesis years ago for my Uni degree and I don't plan to go back at studying the phenomenon cause I just don't care about it anymore, to be honest.
I think sometimes people are just way too over protective of things they care about, like games, and when change occurs they react with panic and overprotection over something they can't control - people migrating over games, new influx of players, etc - instead of seeing the whole thing as something of a natural process all games and popular media are subject to. Like, imagine how bad things would be for every game or media if stuff NEVER changed. Especially for MMOS, that's a death sentence. And you don't want that for your favourite game. Even WOW suffering player loss might be a good thing in the end, it might force the companies to rethink their approach to games and community, since a lot of problems laid in there.
I played my fair share of WOW during my Uni years. I played for around 3 years or something, on and off with friends irl and online, and enjoyed my experience. Overall, I still have very good memories of fun and friendship in WOW, and it's a game I still like aesthetically a lot, along with its story and fantasy races. Hell, sometimes I think about how much I miss my WOW ocs, and drawing WOW related stuff.
But I don't think my relationship to WOW was as intense as some people's - I did transition from WOW to FFXIV, but I spent something like 2 years when I stopped playing WOW (I started in mists of pandaria, stopped around the beginning of battle for azeroth times) playing almost no videogames. So it wasn't like I switched from a game to the other immediately, I think mine was more of a timed and organic switch, I didn't start playing FFXIV until quarantine hit and I had nothing to do (and was feeling really bad and needed a distraction from the imminent doom), and I also got my new desktop computer knowing I could start playing a new game comfortably, and not on a toaster-like computer like I was doing during the WOW days. (computer shutting down due to overheating mid-raid, it was fun)
So maybe the fact that I didn't do the 180 turnaround switch like some other WOW players is what makes the difference in attitude and thinking. When I started playing FFXIV, I didn't have WOW fresh in my mind so I could do costant comparisons between the two games, or my affection towards WOW kinda like... influencing my taste, or opinion of the new game in any way.
WOW was a good memory but nothing more. I never forged a huge relationship with the game anyway, so it's probably what's different between me and other players that maybe (understandably) have more history with it. I engaged with it, liked it for a game I could spend some free time on, and then moved on when I got bored with it. That's kinda it. I understand that some people who have been playing for way more years than me might have a more affectionate memory or relationship with WOW, and that might be something that influences their reasoning sometimes. But it's also a bit of a common thing withing some communities like WOW- something that people could definitely abandon and move on, change attitude. Time and game change. There's no point in getting stuck in the past with the old WOW glory days, and that kind of sentiment- we're not getting back in time, and change should always be something to be embraced, especially in games and MMOS. Changing views, games and opinions is the base of not getting stuck in the same state of mind and I highly encourage people to do it.
As for the ‘critiquing WOW has become super extreme and almost like it’s a rule’... I mean... yeah? That’s the effect that often times ‘problematic’ things have on large crowds of people online. It’s to be expected, but it doesn’t come from nothing- a lot of bad things piled up in the game, the company, the community and their attitude- and it just so happened some things tipped the waters over and everything came out in a costant flow during the past year or so. But it doesn’t come from nothing- it’s just a result of people being genuinely critic of the game they engaged with, which is something good to do.
So yeah, I appreciate the ask! I like hearing from people that follow other games too and may have experiences similar to mine, and I'm also grateful that you've been following me from so many years since I was playing WOW, to now.
That said... I would like to keep asks like these to a minimum. I enjoyed this ask because it gave me a point of inspiration to think about my journey from games, and the chance of talking about something I care about (and I would like to think I know something about too, degree and experience and all...), but I don't plan to respond to more comments or asks that might move towards a more 'discoursy' tone of this same "ffxiv and wow" topic. I do enjoy asks like these but you can't count on everyone making a good and civil argument when asking questions, so I do have to keep a firm hand on asks and topics sometimes, or people get rowdy and think my tumblr blog is the new reddit. It has already happened with some people coming to my askbox to complain about shit I genuinely couldn't care less about. That will just get your question deleted, go to reddit if you want to complain or fuel the flames. I'm just here to vibe.
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GOING ON A HIATUS
Thanks to everyone who's taken the time out to read my posts and has enjoyed it so far. It's really been fun and entertaining exchanging thoughts and having these much deeper ship discussions.
I thought this issue was gonna go away but I woke up this morning to more people messaging me about finding my last video analysis on several other platforms without appropriate credit.
But that's not disturbing. The disturbing part is the people sliding into people's DM'S on other platforms to get them to take down my video because they don't want people sharing my content on other platforms as they believe it would only make my blog popular.
For those worried about this whole credit business, thanks for showing this much concern for me? I really appreciate the love and concern if it's from a genuine place of concern. Thank you...
I think some of you already know this by now or might have figured it out, I am a law student, I am very much well aware what is and what isn't within my rights? Lol
I honestly didn't see this whole credit thingy as a big deal. It's not. Not to me. Lol. I repost people's photos without credit too all the time. Often, it's because I don't know who to credit and most time my lazy ass just forgets to. Lol. I think it's normal? It's inconsequential I mean.
The videos I use are usually often water marked by the appropriate owners so I don't go through the hustle of figuring this whole credit business out. If I should decide to come back here again I will check that habit of mine?
While this whole credit business is not a big deal to me, malicious slander and defamation to my character is and I don't take it lightly.
It has been brought to my attention that some Jikookers from Tumblr have since been sliding into people's DM's on other platforms asking them to take down my video and or remove the credit they give to my post.
They are telling people I am problematic, calling me the Taekook Lives of the Jikook community. That I have been spreading lies about Jikook, that the Jikook Tumblr community hates me or something like that and to further caricaturize me and make me appear more evil in order to get people to turn on me and hate me, they make up the most ridiculous lies about me claiming that I believe a notorious serial killer is innocent.
Now I have since deleted my YT account because I don't want my colleagues to find out I am into shipping too lol- shipping is a guilty pleasure of mine and I know how this fandom works unfortunately. I've been a silent part of it since 2014. I mean it's started already. The Doxing and shit.
The original post under which these replies are from couldn't save sadly as my account has been deleted but you can see from my notifications the general feel of what my interests outside shipping looks like.
I am interested in a myriad of topics, from literature, Aliens, writing, Harry Potter, history, activism, advocacy, philosophy, law, politics, NASA, and mystery and murder among other things.
My quora is mostly filled with notifications from my Book community and True crime community and often I do share my thoughts and answer questions with regards to the psychology of murderers, legal evidence, notorious villains in literature- well I guess now you know the kind of lawyer I want to be if and when I'm able to complete law school.
But what has my interest in these topics got to do with Jikook and shipping please?? How does this prove I hate Jikook and spread lies about them?
This Kookie Min Monsta person slipped into someone's DMS and asked the person who had put up my video analysis to take it down or discredit me because to her I am problematic. She is not the only one.
You want so bad to paint me black- no pun intended just to win an argument? You claim I am the evil malicious person here but I am not the one sliding into people's dms trying to take credit away from people for their hardwork, spreading hate and negative energy, making things up to manipulate people's perception of others and get them to hate and turn on them- and all because of A SHIP? Damn. This is pathetic.
Who died and made you the gatekeeper of the jikook shipping community? Honestly antics like these don't work on me try again.
I made a video commentary on my Booktube YT account- yes I am part of the book YouTube community as well sue me or better still slip into their inboxes and tell them I voted for Trump therefore I hate chipmunks.
The commentary I made on YT months ago was when I was in the highs of finding a new passion and it was on Ann Rule's book, The Stranger Besides Me- a true crime novel on Ted Bundy which I found so poorly written that at the end of the book it left with me wondering whether or not Ted Bundy was guilty at all!
The Author's writing style which deviates from most writing styles of True Crime novels I have read gave me trust issues as I stated in the video. It felt more as if she was writing a made up fictional novel than an actual True Crime novel but because she knew Ted Bundy in person she made it seem as if we just had to believe her account.
Then there was this whole thing about the police not being able to match the DNA samples taken from his rape victims, to his own Semen because his Semen was DNAless- in lay man's terms. I'll spare you the technicalities involved.
As I stated in that video, I do believe Ted Bundy was guilty but I do not have much faith in the Judicial system, or criminal procedures or even the Author of that book- a sentiment most people within the true crime community share as well. We just had differing views on whether the writer's style took away from the narrative and waters down on the extent of Bundy's guilt.
We had a Similar conversation about Chris Watt. If the community I was engaging in didn't have a problem with my commentary why do you? Please don't meddle in things you know nothing about. It's embarrassing.
The conversation about whether or not Ted Bundy is innocent is moot but a philosophical one. It has nothing to do with Ted Bundy's guilt but more so the criminal procedures involved in his case and the different accounts that exists surrounding his case.
He was electrocuted, he confessed to his crimes no damn person with brains would think or assume he is innocent and I never said anything of that nature drew any conclusions to that effect.
Besides, I moved on from Ted Bundy a long time ago. Now I am into the Serial Killer who writes death poems and signs it off with drawings of the size of his dick at his crime scenes- mind your own business please or don't and let's have an intellectual discourse about him? Lmho.
I am also into cat memes if you care to know and have a whole IG dedicated to cat memes. I believe human beings are the most dumbest species in all the galaxies and when the Aliens arrive I am snitching.
When my mind is at rest, I often wonder if Aliens have masculinity complex and if they do whether or not their masculinity is contingent on the size of their dicks or whether they have to engage in a battle to the death with an alien grizzly bear to determine who is the man.
I love BTS memes too- a little too much and often end up debating over the internet with random people over whether BTS memes are funnier than cat memes- I'm weird, true. But how does all of that make me a bad person?
It's crazy how these people can go on these other platforms to ask people to take down the credits to my posts as well as my posts itself but can't ask people who run to these other platforms with misinterpretations of my work to take those down.
Instead they come on here to call me out for people's interpretations of my work?? It doesn't work that way. You are the author of your own opinion and interpretation of other people's work. You don't call out the original author for someone's opinion of their work. If that were so I would be emailing Stephanie Meyer for Anna Todd and her After series. Get some education.
I have since blocked this person and others whose Tumblr I have been able to find thanks to all those that's helped me finding them on here.
My gf also tried reaching out to the persons who shared my post after we realised this was becoming an issue and had asked them to credit her or my blog- but honestly I don't care about that yet she won't give it a rest. Lol. My ride or die this one. Sigh.
However, we realized soon that this is not about 'stealing' credit- can't call someone out for not giving credit when I suck at that myself. Lol.
This is about people's malicious intentions and their attempts to silence me and take away my right to freedom of expression however way that they can. This is wrong and evil.
I honestly don't care for all these ship politics these people are engaged in. I've had enough intelligent conversations to know the distinction between arguments that flows from bruised egos and actual conversations around a subject matter.
This whole I am right, she is wrong politics... y'all get that the point of having an opinion is not to be right, right? We all cant have the same perspective and you can't call someone a liar for holding views that is different from yours. That is a bizarre mentality to have.
As I stated in my post, that content I made was a rebuttal to the Taekook theories running around on the internet alleging JK glared at Tae when he pulled on his shoulder because he was jealous Tae and Jin were having fun behind him. He wasn't. He was worried Tae was gonna expose him and JM holding hands behind Suga.
If you don't think they were holding hands then Taekookers were right and his reaction was because he was Jealous of Taejin I guess...
But thats your truth. That's not my truth. I don't believe Taekook is real. JK isn't jealous of Taejin he is not Twelve- but then again he was sneaking around behind Suga holding his boyfriend's hands so I guess he is twelve? Lol. Jikook!
Do you.
But please stop the evil malicious attacks and seek immediate help. There is such a thing as right and wrong and this is just plain wrong. Your Karma and chakra are in the negative nodes and you need to fix it. It is not funny anymore.
Thank you to everyone who has shown genuine concerns for me in the past few days and thank you so much for trying to stand up for me. There are good people on here and I have met and interacted with a lot of them and thank you so much for such a wonderful experience and insightful discussions.
I don't hate people because of our differences in thoughts, beliefs, opinions. There's always room for dissenting opinions in every sphere. At the very least, we can agree to disagree and shake on it. But You can't make up shit about people just to prove your opinion is right and their opinions and views which differ from yours are 'wrong.
I am not a victim though, and they are not bullies, psst. They are just vile pathetic human beings exposing the greens of their insides. What you do says more about who you are as a person and human being. And this is who they are.
Just be a nice decent human being. That's what this world needs. Fix whatever is broken inside of you and free your mind and spirit. Hate is never the answer.
I'm going to be away for a while because I have studies, work and other interests I want to pursue at the moment- it's just my AADD flaring up so if you see me henceforth raving about Nana at least you'd know why. Lol. She's wrecking my Jimin bias. Lmho.
Spread positivity, do the right thing, stand up for a good cause and keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.
Until we meet again.
Signed,
GOLDY
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Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.
I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.
Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.
And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.
And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.
That's just not fair.
And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.
Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.
Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!
I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.
Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.
You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.
And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.
Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.
This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.
Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.
I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.
As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.
Attention they fucking asked for.
Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.
Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.
So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.
Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.
Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.
Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.
Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.
(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)
Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.
But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.
I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.
I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.
At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.
I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!
Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.
There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.
Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.
It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.
I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.
I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?
They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."
Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.
There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.
I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.
So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.
Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.
You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.
You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!
Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.
Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.
So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.
I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.
It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.
You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.
Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.
Thank you, Anon.
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First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)
Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.
Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.
If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.
I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.
Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?
You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.
I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).
Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.
We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.
I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.
When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.
She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁
Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.
I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂
Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.
I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.
Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.
This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.
Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.
This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.
I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.
I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.
I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.
Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.
I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.
If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.
I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...
But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then
Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.
I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.
I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.
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