aitadinnerwex - Tumblr blog

aitadinnerwex · 2 months

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Your story doesn't add up, there are too many logical inconsistencies. Just gonna copy+paste a great comment from BORU:

"Starting with the very beginning… So they broke up but lived together and coparented without dating anyone else for YEARS? But she was okay with him dating as long as she got to meet the lady first? Ummmm… Possible, but not realistic. Except then why would he take their daughter clothes shopping without OP while she is just chilling at home? Then turn around before they even get to the store because GF summoned him…? He’s managed to secretly date for 6 months then randomly ditches his crying daughter back off to expose him. Could happen, but again it is odd. He calls to smooth it over and OP is all, “I was hoping we could FINALLY coparent in peace.” Um, finally? Because as of 2 days ago y’all were living together in a separated-while-together bliss. Suddenly the new GF moves in with the in-laws. OP assumes she can just show up like it’s fine without speaking to any of the adults. But she wouldn’t want to put the kid in the middle, oh no! The in-laws back away and she has a “sneaky suspicion” it is because of the new GF. As we used to say, no shit Sherlock. Can we also take a moment to acknowledge that OP has a very unique situation where she doesn’t have any financial concerns with Ex moving out. Also has more free time than FIL to take MIL to medical appointments etc. Naturally new GF also has such free time. “There is no custody agreement.” I am mentioning that even though it never occurred to me to get one until the later comments bring it up. Remember, I don’t think kids should be put in the middle. That’s why my child decides who to stay with at her whim. Panic attack over a jury notice… What? Daughter is a daddy’s girl that mostly chose to stay with her dad. Even after K moved in. (Which seemed to have happened immediately.) But they should make official the status quo that daughter mostly stays with OP and only visits dad. Which is it!?! That’s before we get into the cartoonish caper. Through I appreciated that OP explained to us what a safe is used for and how it works."

Yeeaahh, I saw this ended up on Reddit. Yay for me, truly.

You know what? Screw it, let's be petty and respond to strangers speculating about my life point by point.

"Starting with the very beginning… So they broke up but lived together and coparented without dating anyone else for YEARS?

When did I say we never dated anyone else for years? I went on a few dates and so did my ex, but that wasn't relevant to the post so I didn't see the need to recount his or my dating history. I'm not really interested in getting into another serious relationship at this point in my life and thought it was the same for my ex. To be fair, that was an assumption on my part because when we were living together we mostly just talked about chores and bills and our daughter, we didn't discuss life plans or our love lives anything. It would just occasionally come up that he had been on dates with various women and if it did I would say something like "Cool. How did it go?" to be cordial, and he would usually respond with "Fine". Before K I never saw any signs that he was getting serious about anyone, and I never asked for details.

But she was okay with him dating as long as she got to meet the lady first? Ummmm… Possible, but not realistic.

When did I say I had to meet every girl he dated? I have no idea how many women he dated in between 2020 and 2023. I DID assume if he ever got serious about someone he would tell me about her before making her a fixture in our child's life, though. And yes, that much was on me. I really did just assume we could have a casual roommate relationship where we didn't really talk about personal stuff, but also be coparents who discuss anything that might affect our child at the same time. I agree that's pretty contradictory looking back.

Except then why would he take their daughter clothes shopping without OP while she is just chilling at home? Then turn around before they even get to the store because GF summoned him…? He’s managed to secretly date for 6 months then randomly ditches his crying daughter back off to expose him. Could happen, but again it is odd.

The "why would he take his daughter clothes shopping while OP is at home" bit is odd to me. Why did a father take his daughter to buy things she needed? Do I need to be there for her to get clothes? Is this a "all dads are incompetent parents" thing? Because before all this happened I would have said he was a pretty good dad.

As for that specific incident: My daughter wasn't crying in her dad's car, she was actually mad at him. I was working on my laptop and I heard a car door slam from inside and our dog started barking like someone was there. A second later the front door slammed, which surprised me because I thought they'd be gone for another hour at least, so I went to see what was going on. I saw my daughter stomping to her room looking like she was about to cry from frustration. I asked her what was wrong and that's when she started crying. I agree my original wording made it sound like she was sadly crying her eyes out in the car, when I should have clarified she's an angry crier, as that changes the context.

I can't say with 100% certainty why K called and wanted my ex to come over right away, and why my daughter couldn't be there for that when she had met K before. But considering she was living with her son at the time and they also took drugs together? I'm assuming her son was out of the apartment and she wanted my ex over to do adult things or drug related things, but I have no way of confirming that.

He calls to smooth it over and OP is all, “I was hoping we could FINALLY coparent in peace.” Um, finally? Because as of 2 days ago y’all were living together in a separated-while-together bliss.

You know how they say "ignorance is bliss"? I THOUGHT we were coparenting peacefully, only to find out my ex had been, for reasons unknown to me, coercing my child into lying to me to cover up his relationship for god knows how long. I did not know how long or for what reason at the time and didn't want to stress out my daughter by pressing for more details when she was already upset over her dad moving out. So yes, those few days I was thinking a lot about how long things must have been going on for, and how a situation I thought was peaceful was anything but just under the surface.

Suddenly the new GF moves in with the in-laws.

I agree it was pretty sudden. It happened about 2 and a half months after my ex moved out, so they had only been dating for 8 months or so. I did not know why at the time and it wasn't my business to ask. I now know she had been kicked out of her son's house for her drug use and had nowhere else to go.

OP assumes she can just show up like it’s fine without speaking to any of the adults.

I did assume that, yes. FIL and MIL have always had an open door policy for family, and at the time I thought I was still being included in family. It was not uncommon for me, or my ex, or my daughter, to come over unannounced. I mentioned that in the post, but only in passing, so maybe I should have expanded upon that more: I showed up without telling FIL and MIL I was coming all the time. They were always happy to receive me, or at least give me a "sorry, not a good time, can you come back tomorrow?"

But she wouldn’t want to put the kid in the middle, oh no!

K and my ex were mad at me for coming over and were being pretty toxic about it. My daughter invited me over. If I told them that, they could have directed that toxic anger towards her. I would rather them be angry at me than her, when just by me ASKING if she had asked if it was ok that I come over, I had made her realize that wasn't a smart move. She felt bad for doing it. The lesson had been learned. I didn't need them blowing up at her like my ex was at me, so yes I didn't throw her under the bus to save my own skin in that situation. Should I not have done that? Maybe, but I honestly can't say I regret doing it.

The in-laws back away and she has a “sneaky suspicion” it is because of the new GF. As we used to say, no shit Sherlock.

I agree, hindsight is 20/20, and I should have known a new variable (K) might have meant the status quo of me coming and going from FIL and MIL's house as I please had changed. I had genuinely not considered she might have a problem being around me, and that's the whole reason I was concerned I might be TA. That is, as we used to say, my b.

Can we also take a moment to acknowledge that OP has a very unique situation where she doesn’t have any financial concerns with Ex moving out. Also has more free time than FIL to take MIL to medical appointments etc. Naturally new GF also has such free time.

This is really presumptuous apropos of nothing. Just because I did not discuss my financial situation in the post (because it was not relevant) doesn't mean my ex moving out didn't put a financial strain on me. It did. I DID have more time to help FIL and MIL out when my ex lived with me, because having 2 incomes and splitting household costs meant I could work less hours. The flexible hours coupled with the fact I've worked remotely for a few years now meant I could be the one to stay with MIL in the hospital. I would sleep in her hospital room and stay with her all day (often times glued to my laptop, but still there physically at least), then go home to shower, change, and make dinner for myself, my daughter, my ex, and FIL. Drive the food over to FIL and visit with him for an hour or 2, then drive back to the hospital and stay the night with MIL.

When she got out of the hospital I switched to only going over 2 or 3 times a week, usually to be the one to accompany her to doctor's appointments or physical therapy or grocery shopping or to clean. But they would also invite me over just to do fun things sometimes, like go karting or fishing or out to dinner.

After my ex moved out I picked up another job, and right now I'm on call at one or the other job 6 days a week. K didn't have a job, but (according to MIL) got disablity checks every month. I didn't ask what kind of disability she had, because it's none of my business and not relevant to anything concerning me.

“There is no custody agreement.” I am mentioning that even though it never occurred to me to get one until the later comments bring it up.

It didn't occur to me to get one not because I wasn't aware custody agreements exist, but because I genuinely didn't think about the fact that my ex might try to take my child from me. Call me naive, I know I was, but it just never occurred to me as a possibility before all this started to happen. He had given me no reason to think he might do something like that. To me "custody agreement" meant piece of paper setting up a schedule for where the child goes and when, and that's what I meant by "there is no custody agreement" in the first instance. I knew they existed, it just didn't occur to me I needed one, and that was my bad. I've said so.

Remember, I don’t think kids should be put in the middle. That’s why my child decides who to stay with at her whim.

This is an odd sentiment to me as well. Yes? I don't think a child should be put in the middle as a "Well don't look at me, look at her! She did it!" when their parents are arguing over something. But they should also get a say in who they would like to live with? Plus my daughter isn't a toddler. If that were the case I would absolutely want to a court order to split time with her as equally as possible, but she's almost a teenager now. She's her own person and should get some say in where she goes and when.

Panic attack over a jury notice… What?

Sometimes people have irrational fears, and my ex was irrationally anxious about going to court for any reason. Yes he's been to jail before, no he didn't have a traumatic event happen in a court room that I'm aware of. He just felt like being there made him extremely anxious and didn't want to go back for any reason. Idk what to tell you beyond I'm not gonna dive further into the father of my child's personal anxieties to justify a post for the internet.

Daughter is a daddy’s girl that mostly chose to stay with her dad. Even after K moved in. (Which seemed to have happened immediately.) But they should make official the status quo that daughter mostly stays with OP and only visits dad. Which is it!?!

She WAS a daddy's girl that loved her dad and was slowly starting to warm up to K, until all this stuff happened, and then she was mad at her dad and K and didn't want to talk to them until they apologized to her. Idk how that is hard to follow.

And while she mostly chose to stay at MIL and FIL's house back then, it was not her primary residence. All official school and medical documents listed her address as MY house. She doesn't have her own room at MIL and FIL's house, she sleeps on the couch, she brings clothes in her backpack, etc. My house was her primary residence where she DID have a bed, her own room, a closet full of clothes, etc. Most days she would get off the bus from school at our house, hang out with me for a while, then grab some clothes and ask me to drop her off at FIL and MIL's house. Or ask her dad to come get her. Sometimes the answer was no, but for the most part neither of us had a problem letting her come and go as she pleased, and she was also content to be like that.

That’s before we get into the cartoonish caper. Through I appreciated that OP explained to us what a safe is used for and how it works."

I agree the original description was cartoonish, as I was reporting what a 12 year old had told me about an incident she did not see and had only heard about. Children lie, children exaggerate, children misremember. I wouldn't have mentioned the money being stolen at all had I not been able to confirm it by seeing my MIL complain about it on Facebook. I said as much myself back in December.

And I felt the need to explain the safe required both a key AND combination because not every safe does? Some only need one or the other.

#^ I got this ask about a month ago and I've been debating just deleting it or not. Because I'm 32 yrs old #With a kid and a mortgage and two jobs. I have much better things to do than cope and seethe about what strangers on the internet say #But what the hell. I shall cope and seethe just a little bit. I deserve it

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aitadinnerwex · 2 months

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would it be out of line to ask why you and your ex broke up? i feel like that could provide alot of context

It's fine. We broke up because at that point we really were just more like roommates than romantic partners. The spark was gone, our interests are total opposites. I like camping and hiking, he likes video games and long naps. I wanted to go out every weekend, he was either sleeping or working overtime. When we did have time just to ourselves it felt weird, not romantic or sexy.

The only thing we agreed on (at the time) was how we wanted to parent our daughter, so at first we just started sleeping in separate bedrooms while he looked for a new place to live (house is in my name). Then COVID hit, and it was easier for him to stay than it was for him to find a new place and struggle to see our daughter during lock down. Then when the lock down ended we had settled into a routine where we didn't talk much unless it concerned our daughter or household chores, so we just settled into that.

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aitadinnerwex · 2 months

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FINAL UPDATE: K's back, daughter cuts contact.

Hey guys, long time no update. To be honest, I got spooked off being on here too much when one day my story showed up on a friend's Facebook feed. Sharing details about my personal life was nerve wracking enough when it was just Tumblr I was sharing with, but suddenly having it shared all over the internet without me knowing, and people I know in real life seeing it? It was a lot! Couple that with the fact that this situation is well and truly not my monkey not my circus anymore, and I wasn't sure whether I should do this update or not. But I figured I could give this one final update with everything I know, since things have sort of come to a close. (Sorry, but this is long. It's full of a lot of context I just didn't have until now. I've added headers to hopefully make it easier to just skip to what interests you)

TL;DR Ex got the money back from K and she moved out. I find out a lot of things I didn't know about K, then just 2 weeks later K and my ex get back together. K is still being weird about me and doesn't want me around FIL and MIL, which upsets my daughter. Family dogpiles her to tell her to get over it, now she barely speaks to any of them.

AFTER THE PARTY

I didn't press my daughter to tell me anymore about the K situation in case she didn't want to talk about it, but she shared with me on her own that my ex found her the next day and she had only spent $50 of it, which she payed back, and he returned the money to FIL and MIL who decided not to press charges. K was not allowed back in MIL and FIL's house after that, so she and my ex broke up.

Almost a week later (12/17/23) I got a call from MIL, the first one I had gotten from her since August. She started out by apologizing for not talking to me in so long, and invited me over. This time I DID ask who was going to be there, and she said it was just her and FIL in the house (ex was at work). I said I'm not sure I should come over if it would be upsetting for my ex, and she said "To hell with him, it's my house and I invited you." So I went over that evening.

FIL was glued to the TV and just nodded at me when I came in. MIL lead me into the kitchen to talk privately. This time she apologized for being so distant, and said it was my ex's idea that she and FIL cut all ties with me. I asked where he got the idea since it was never a problem before, and she said he didn't want to upset K. She said walking on eggshells to not upset K was, apparently, a common occurrence while she was living there. That she could be perfectly sweet and friendly but the second you did anything to step on her toes she would get in her car and leave and swear she's never coming back. In fact she told me a great deal of things I didn't know about K and that my daughter was too young to ask about or notice, for instance:

THINGS I NOW KNOW ABOUT K

K is 52 (as I mentioned before on this blog) and has 3 grown children. She was living with her oldest son when she met my ex, but after about 8 and a half months of them dating her son kicked her out and she had nowhere to stay, so she moved in with FIL and MIL and my ex. Why? She's a drug user.

MIL knows K was on drugs because of she admitted it to FIL. FIL is a retired cop and noticed strange behavior from K like sudden bursts of energy followed by collapsing in a dead sleep, mood swings and irritability, coming and going at odd hours of the night, etc. FIL confronted both her and my ex with this information and they admitted she was addicted to drugs, but insisted she was getting treatment for it. Apparently, that's actually how K and my ex met.

My ex is a recovered alcoholic (was never brought up until now because it wasn't relevant to the situation until now). It was really bad when we were young, but I assumed he had been sober since 2015. Unbeknownst to me he had slipped back into his drinking habit sometime in later 2022 when we were still living together. I was there for him when he was at his worst and can say with 100% certainty he wasn't acting as bad as he was back then, but he did stay out late a lot and always seemed tired. I just assumed he was working late, or hanging out with friends, or hooking up with women. We weren't a couple at that point and I felt it wasn't any of my business what he spent his nights doing as long as it didn't affect our daughter, and at that point I didn't believe it was.

Fortunately he realized on his own he needed to stop before he spiraled too far out of control, and recognized he could not stop on his own. He joined a local Drug and Alcohol Addiction program, and that's where he met K. They were in different programs, but those programs were in the same building. They ran into each other by chance, hit it off, and started dating. Apparently my ex even confessed to trying K's drug of choice, but swore up and down he was a recreational user only and wasn't addicted.

MIL and FIL said K could only stay with them if K continued treatment and any and all drug usage in their house stopped, and my ex and K agreed. Then the party happened, and MIL clarified a few things about that for me:

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE PARTY

When my ex went downstairs to check on K that day he could tell she had been taking drugs so he went to tuck her into bed. To get to their bedroom you have to walk by the stairs, and he noticed the door leading under the stairs was open just a crack, when usually it's latched shut. He put K in bed and went to check it out and didn't see anything wrong, but he didn't trust it and opened the safe just to check. (at this point I interrupted and asked why K even knew the combination, and MIL just said my ex said she needed to know it "in case of an emergency" and she was stupid to agree to that)

They usually keep 10k in cash in the safe for emergencies, but my ex counted it twice and was sure 2k was missing. My ex freaked out and shook K and shouted at her asking where it went, she said she didn't take it, he came back up to accuse the rest of the family. He lied and said K was sleeping the whole time to avoid mentioning she had taken drugs in his parents' house, but couldn't keep denying K had to have done it when everyone else kept telling him it she was the only one who could have.

He went back downstairs to confront her, she yelled that he scared her when he shook her and screamed in her face for no reason. He told her she was the only one who could have taken it. She kept denying it and he kept pushing, so she got her bag, stuffed a few clothes inside, and went out the back door to her car. She threw the bag in the backseat so hard the stuff inside spilled out, and my ex saw several stacks of money rubber banded together, just like the money in the safe is. He tried to open the car door but she had already locked it and sped out of the driveway.

The next day he found her in her car in the parking lot of her oldest son's apartment building. She had asked if she could stay there with him, he said no, so she spent the night in her car. She cried and said she hadn't been to her treatment program in weeks, and now she needed money to pay some people back, and she was scared. My ex said he didn't care, give him back the money. She gave him back all but $50 that she had spent, he said she needed to pay him back in a week or he'd call the cops on her, and a few hours later she did. She also came with her daughter to pick up the rest of her things from MIL and FIL's house just a couple of days before MIL called me.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

Leading up to Christmas both FIL and MIL kept in touch with me almost to the point they had pre-K, and I was cordial and polite with them but kept my distance. MIL even tried dropping hints that she wanted me to come clean house for them at one point and I just directed her to the number for a cleaning service. Quite proud of myself for that one :)

However my daughter stayed in close contact with them, and held out hopes that I was going to go over there for Christmas like I did every year. I tried gently reminding her that might be awkward for everyone, and she just insisted it wouldn't be awkward because K's gone now. And besides, if I didn't go to FIL and MIL's house I would be alone on Christmas (my only living family are on the other side of the country and we are not close at all) and according to my daughter that was unacceptable. Then it happened: On Christmas Eve my ex texted me that he needed to talk to me and my daughter and came over to tell us he was getting back together with K.

K'S BACK

He said he'd been talking to her and she said she was sorry about taking the money. That her plan was to use it to pay back some bad people who had been scaring her and then replace it before anyone noticed it was gone. That he believed she really was sorry and really would do better, and he wanted to be with her again and give her a chance to prove she can change. I didn't say anything, but my daughter (bless her heart) just said "You really bought all that?"

My ex looked annoyed at her tone but continued and said he was there to invite her out to dinner with him and K, because K had already apologized to MIL and FIL and wanted the chance to apologize to her too. My daughter was quiet and looked uncomfortable so I told her she could make whatever choice felt right and I would support her. To his credit my ex did too, and said if she didn't want to be around K he wouldn't make her be. She ended up saying she didn't want to go to dinner right then, but maybe later she would change her mind.

Then she brought up Christmas and asked if I could still come over, and my ex's face fell. He said he doesn't think K would be comfortable with me coming over. My daughter lost it at this (and so did I, but just internally). She already proved she would steal from the family at a social gathering! Less than a month ago! She hasn't done anything to make up for that yet! But she gets to go to Christmas and I don't?

My ex just said it was already decided that K would be there for Christmas and my daughter throwing a tantrum over it wouldn't change it, and after he and her exchanged some more heated words he left.

I tried telling my daughter I am absolutely, 100% fine not being invited to Christmas. That she should still go if she wants to, because it would make me sad if she felt like she has to pick me over the rest of her family. I told her she if she can't forgive her dad yet she should still go to see her cousins and aunt and uncle, and she can ignore him the whole time if she wants. It took a while, but she eventually agreed she still wanted to go. That is, until she started getting texts.

THE TEXTS

First MIL texted my daughter saying she was disappointed in her for causing drama on Christmas Eve, and how everyone else has agreed to suck it up and be nice to K for Christmas and she should too. While she was showing me that text with tears in her eyes she got another one from her aunt that said "Shame on you. I can't believe the way you've been talking to your father."

This sent my daughter down a spiral. She realized her dad had been talking about her to the rest of the family, and probably twisting the situation to make her look bad. Her. A 12 year old girl.

Y'all. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in this situation, I know I've been naive. But I feel like I've been a saint going out of my way to make sure my daughter doesn't resent her dad for any of this. I've been telling her over and over again that he's her dad, and he loves her, and he wants what's best for her, but this- I can't talk him out of this. I don't know where to begin. She begs me not to make her go over there for Christmas because she doesn't want to face her whole family, not knowing what her dad has told them about her. I told her of course she doesn't have to.

I text my ex that our daughter doesn't feel safe going over there for Christmas anymore, and my phone stays silent. But my daughter's phone blows up. She ended up blocking most of her family to get them to stop texting her and cried herself to sleep.

SINCE THEN

I have not tried to get my daughter to contact her dad since 12/24/2023. He's called her a few times since then, and she mostly just answers him with short 1 or 2 word answers. She doesn't go places with him anymore. She doesn't want to go see him anymore.

He has called me a few times to accuse me of turning his daughter against him, but it's pretty easy to shut him down with "Would you want to talk to someone who turns everything you say against you? To your own family?" I'm sure he's told his family a whole slew of colorful things about me, but I don't care. And none of them have reached out to me with vitriol, just the 12 year old child. Imagine that.

I don't know what's going on with K or MIL or FIL anymore, and I don't care. I'm just focused on trying to bring my daughter back to that loud, boisterous, stubborn kid she used to be, and I think we're getting there slowly. Therapy is helping her. And I'm so, so glad I got that custody arrangement when I did.

AITA for coming to dinner with my ex and his new GF uninvited?

This situation is long and messy, so I'll try to include the relevant info only. I (F32) broke up with my long time partner (M33) right before COVID hit. We stayed in the same house during lockdown and continued to live together after lockdown was lifted, because we generally get along and we had a child (F11) to raise together. Over the last 3 years we've been roommates and co-parents and that's it.

One day he was supposed to take our daughter to buy new school clothes, and she came back 10 minutes later in tears. She said they were on their way to the store when his new GF called, and he drove her back home and dropped her off so he could go spend time with her. He even asked our daughter to lie to me for him, but she was tired of covering for him (implying she'd been lying for him for a while now).

When he got home we had a massive argument. I didn't care if he dated other girls, I cared that for some reason he thought he had to sneak around, and it made him act like a jerk to me and our daughter. I told him if he had been a man about this new girl and just introduced me to her then maybe we could have all been friends, but instead he had to act like a horny teenager. It ended with him moving out to live with his parents.

A couple days later he called and apologized. He said he hoped it wasn't too late for him to do things right, and he hopes we can all be friends. I was hopeful that we could finally co-parent in peace for the sake of our child.

This is where I may be TA: I have always been close with my ex's parents, to the point where even after we broke up I would be invited over regularly for dinner. They said even if I wasn't their son's partner I'm still their grandchild's mother, and that makes me family.

So one day when my daughter texts me while at my ex's parent's house and invites me to dinner because they're having my favorite meal, I don't think twice about coming over even though my ex and his GF I've never met now live there. I figured everyone had to be okay with it, since my daughter was inviting me.

I end up having dinner with my ex's parents and daughter, but my ex only comes upstairs to grab two plates of food and goes back downstairs. I ask my ex's mom why and she says his GF doesn't feel well today. Whatever, I think. She's just sick and I'll meet her another day. I have a perfectly pleasant dinner with my ex in-laws, help clean up, and make a promise to bring them a coconut cake (ex father-in-law's favorite) and take my daughter home.

Later my ex blows up my phone with texts and calls, saying it was so weird and rude that I came over for dinner uninvited. That I made his new GF uncomfortable, and like she wasn't welcome there. And that I caused trouble in their relationship because she assumes we must still be in love for me to come over and see his parents out of the blue like that, because "exes don't do that. it's creepy."

I had a talk with my daughter and asked her calmly if she had asked everyone else if it was ok if I come over before she texted me, and she sheepishly said she didn't know she had to ask since it had never been a problem before. (I didn't tell her about her dad's meltdown at me, or tell her dad that she's the one who invited me. She's a child and shouldn't be involved)

Instead I just told him I'm sorry me dropping by made things awkward, but I thought he wanted us all to be friends from now on and I figured this was a good place to start being friends. He said there was no way she'd want to be my friend now that I made her feel uncomfortable in her own home.

It wasn't my intention to make anyone uncomfortable, but I admit I'd be perturbed if he brought this woman into MY home and I had not even been warned first. So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

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aitadinnerwex · 5 months

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looooool at your ex saying you're trying to get all his money and then his shitty girlfriend stealing from his parents

I wasn't gonna say it but that did strike me as humorous, yes. 🤭

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aitadinnerwex · 5 months

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@am-i-the-asshole-official

UPDATE: K stole from ex in-laws and left.

TL;DR I now have sole custody of my daughter, but my ex is not restricted from seeing her. She's been in therapy, and he's been extra sweet to her trying to get her trust back. I've totally stepped back from my ex's family which my daughter hated but is getting used to. Today (12/11/23) was my ex FIL's birthday, and my daughter went to celebrate with her dad's side of the family. Some money came up missing and it was found in K's car, but K got away with it.

I honestly did not think I would be updating this post any longer. In the last couple months I've gotten a lawyer and have been working out custody with my ex which was rough at first but then calmed down. I don't want to go into too many details because this situation doesn't really involve me anymore, just my ex. And he IS still my daughter's father. So I'll give the short version:

When my ex was contacted by my lawyer he started blowing up my phone saying I was trying to take his daughter and all his money away from him, and how could I do this to him because he would never do this to me, etc etc. I shut that down quick and told him I didn't want a dime from him, I just wanted some assurance that the agreement we already had in place (daughter stays with me but is free to visit him) stays in place. He kept trying to say lawyers were unnecessary because he wasn't going to try to take her, I stuck to my guns, and he eventually caved.

Meanwhile I had my own things to sort through, and so did my daughter. It took a while to fully own the fact that I definitely contributed to the pain she is now feeling. When I broke up with my ex I comforted her by telling her nothing would change. We were still living together. Then her dad moved out and still I told her, nothing will change. I'll still be active in FIL and MIL's lives. I'll still go over there with you all the time. And while that was a nice thought it didn't really prepare my daughter for the reality that families change all the time and change doesn't have to be bad or scary.

This whole time she was basing her mental health on the idea that nothing about her family will change, so K's introduction slowly started to crumble away that feeling. But change is good. Change is normal. I may not like being cut off from FIL and MIL, but they're not wrong when they say I'm not family anymore. They're not wrong for trying to be welcoming to the new woman in their son's life. It sucks, but life goes on.

Anyway, my daughter has been going over there for a few hours about once or twice a week with lots of caveats that she, her dad and I all agreed to: She gets to decide when she comes over. Her dad can invite her, but she's allowed to say no and he can't argue. No one will force her to interact with FIL, MIL, or K if she doesn't want to. No one will take her anywhere if she doesn't want to go. If anyone makes her uncomfortable she'll leave and walk to Diane's house and call me to come pick her up. (Diane is a coworker of mine who lives 3 blocks away and has known my daughter since she was a baby)

This arrangement has been working out and my daughter has said everyone has been extra nice to her, but they haven't actually said sorry for anything they did. She slowly started to seem happier and happier over there, and asked if she could go to FIL's birthday party because her aunt and uncle from out of state would be visiting with her cousins, and I said yes.

Well, tonight she came home and told me a doozy of a story: The party was great, everyone was having a good time, and my daughter's older cousin was showing her how to play the nintendo 64. K was nowhere to be found. Apparently she "didn't feel good" again, and my ex went downstairs to check on her. Suddenly they hear him screaming "Where is it?! What did you do with it?!"

Everyone got quiet and looked to the stairs where my ex stomped up and said everyone had to turn out their pockets, because some money was missing from FIL and MIL's safe.

For some context: this safe is locked under the stairs and needs a key and combination to get into it. It has important documents for the whole family and emergency cash in it. FIL, MIL, my ex, and now K are the only ones who know the combination, and the only key is hidden in FIL and MIL's room. My ex went downstairs to check on K and she was asleep in bed, but the door to the cupboard under the stairs was open. He got a bad feeling and checked the safe and about $2,000 was missing. He woke K up and she cried and said she had been asleep the whole time and someone must have come down and stole the money while she was sleeping.

I was pretty gratified to hear that my ex's family are nowhere near as naive as he is, and immediately tore into him for believing that lie. None of them had a key or knew the combination, and all of them had been hanging out in the living room. K cleans FIL and MIL's room all the time and knew where the key was. He told K the combination. K was downstairs the whole time. K is the only person who could have done it.

He tried to defend K and told everyone to leave her alone, but FIL put his foot down and told his son to find the money or he would call the cops to do it. My ex went back downstairs to talk to K, and everyone upstairs could hear her sobbing and calling him names. She went to get in her car and my ex followed her, and what did he see sitting in her backseat? A bag stuffed to the brim with money. A bag that wasn't there a few hours ago.

My ex tried to stop K from leaving, but she tore out of the driveway like a bat out of hell. FIL and MIL are furious and want to press charges, and my ex is begging them not to saying he can get her to bring it back.

Idk where this is going to go next but honestly? I'm just kind of glad K and my ex didn't take me up on my original offer to be friends, because holy shit.

AITA for coming to dinner with my ex and his new GF uninvited?

It wasn't my intention to make anyone uncomfortable, but I admit I'd be perturbed if he brought this woman into MY home and I had not even been warned first. So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

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aitadinnerwex · 5 months

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Did you get a lawyer op :(

Yes, I have!! Sorry for going so long without any updates, but right now there's a lot of legal stuff going on and tbh? Most of it is kind of boring. My daughter talks to her dad on the phone, but is still mad at FIL and MIL. She's going to therapy in person every week. My ex is being very cooperative about the custody issue. I met K briefly and it was awkward (more on that under the cut)

I got in contact with a lawyer the day after I made my last post. I live in a state that does not recognize common law marriages, and my ex and I were never actually married. Add that to the fact that my home has been my daughter's primary residence for the last 3 years, and the fact that she's almost 12 and that's the age she has a say in who she wants to live with, and my lawyer assured me that in the eyes of the law I am currently my daughter's sole legal guardian. My ex would have a case if he wanted to fight for custody, but he doesn't. He just wants the arrangement we had before: I keep custody of our daughter, but she is free to come see him whenever she wants. He even offered to pay child support and help with my bills until she turns 18, but this I declined. I make more money than him and my own parents, while estranged and on the other side of the country, love their granddaughter and are more than happy to help financially.

We worked most of the legal stuff out on zoom calls, but one day we were meeting in person with both our lawyers to sign some legal stuff and K came with my ex. Some of you thought she must be younger than me and my ex because she sounded so immature, but y'all. She's older. Much, MUCH older. She looked like she was at least in her late 50s, which bleach blonde hair and yellow smoker's teeth. I don't wanna be petty or tear fellow my fellow woman down but... y'all. She looked like Donald Trump doing drag. Poorly.

Anyway, she stays quiet the whole time we discuss things with our lawyers. but she does keep one hand on the back of his neck kind of... grabbing him and massaging him? And the other hand is holding his hand in his lap, or occasionally stroking his thigh. In other words she was all over him. I can only imagine she was trying to show me that he was hers now or something, but I honestly couldn't care less. She can have him.

Before the meeting ended both lawyers asked if there were any questions and I admit, I got a little petty. I asked if I could maybe know even a little about K, because she was, ostensibly, going to be acting like a stepmom to my daughter if/when she decided to reconcile. K just gave me this death glare, but ex asked what I wanted to know and gave me short answers.

How old is she? 52.

How did you two meet? Church. (I doubt this, he hasn't willingly been to church since high school, but I didn't argue)

Why did K move in with ex at MIL and FIL's house after less a year of dating? None of your business. (Fair)

I asked a few other things too, mostly about my daughter and how we could more effectively coparent, and ex was helpful here and K continued to be silent (and handsy).

So, yeah. Court stuff is agonizingly slow, and talking to ex is like talking to a brick wall, but at least he's being a cooperative brick wall for now.

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aitadinnerwex · 8 months

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Thank you for your perspective. It's only been a couple days since my daughter called me crying, and she's been distracting herself with school and friends so I haven't really had time to sit her down and talk about how she's feeling about it all. All I've asked her is if she wants me to tell her if her dad tries calling, and she said yes, she wants to know if he tries to call.

She's had monthly online therapy sessions since her dad and I first broke up, but the first thing I did in light of this was contact her therapist and schedule her for an emergency in person session soon.

I've seen several people mention contacting a lawyer and getting a custody agreement set up, and I'm a little ashamed to admit it hadn't occurred to me to do that. My ex hates anything to do with court proceedings, it's an almost irrational fear of his. He once had a panic attack over getting a jury duty letter. So part of me thinks he won't take this to court, but the other half of me knows that I don't even know this man anymore and I am absolutely not leaving anything to chance.

I'll be looking into getting a lawyer as soon as possible, and see if we can get some sort of emergency custody order that says she doesn't have to go back there until the matter of split custody is decided.

AITA for coming to dinner with my ex and his new GF uninvited?

It wasn't my intention to make anyone uncomfortable, but I admit I'd be perturbed if he brought this woman into MY home and I had not even been warned first. So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

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aitadinnerwex · 8 months

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ur MIL sounds like a total enabler to her son's incompetence, i'm kinda wondering why u let ur daughter be around that in the first place

Oh trust me, it was a point of contention. I was with my ex since high school and she used to subtly try to tell me I should be "pampering her baby boy like he deserves," but I think she eventually got the message that I wasn't someone who could be pushed around. She hasn't tried to tell me how to run my household or raise my child in many, many years.

My daughter is also super stubborn, just like me. She knows her grandmother has very traditional views on a woman's place in the home and thinks those ideas are stupid, and she'll tell MIL such to her face. I've never seen MIL try to guilt my daughter or make her feel lesser than for not agreeing with her, though.

I used to think maybe MIL was proud of how stubborn and willful my daughter was, and wished she could have been like that when she was young. Now I'm not entirely sure what's going on in her mind.

#Also hi anyone reading this blog #I may update here occasionally #I feel there's probably a long road ahead of me with this situation and it's been helping to at least vent about it #and hear people tell me I'm not crazy

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aitadinnerwex · 8 months

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UPDATE: My daughter has gone no contact with her father and grandparents for the foreseeable future.

Hey, all. I saw a post here recently about not getting a lot of updates to stories submitted to this blog yet and figured I could give mine, even though it's a sad one. I also maybe need to vent a little about this situation. Under the cut to save people's dashboards:

(from now on, ex's new gf will be K, ex father-in-law will be FIL and ex mother-in-law will be MIL)

I'll start from the day after the dinner and try to give a concise recap of events.

The day after the dinner I bring FIL the coconut cake I promised, but not wanting to stir up trouble I text that I'm bringing it over instead of dropping by unannounced like I normally would. FIL meets me on the porch instead of inviting me in like he normally would, and I gathered from his distant but polite tone and body language that he was basically shooing me away. I was hurt that a man who had always treated me like a daughter was being cold, but I didn't say anything about it and I left.

Over the next couple weeks my ex in-laws continue to hold me at arms length where once I would consider them not only family, but close friends. I used to take MIL to doctor's appointments and shopping trips, but texts asking her about her next appointment or inviting her to come shopping with me went unanswered. I used to go fishing and go-karting with FIL, but these invites also stopped. I had a sneaking suspicion my ex was behind the sudden change in my ex in-laws, and I also started to notice a change in my daughter.

Because my ex and I were never actually married, there was no actual custody agreement between us. She would just text her dad if she wanted him to come pick her up, or text me if she wanted to come home. She's always been a daddy's girl and spent more time with him than she did home with me, and I was fine with that. But after the dinner she spent a lot more time home with me, and one day she went with her dad only to call me within the hour, crying and asking me to pick her up. On the way home I gently reminded her that she could talk to me about anything, even if it was hard. That adjusting to her dad having K in his life would be a challenge, but if she had any problems she could tell me and I would help her fix them, and she told me what had transpired over my ex and K's relationship from her point of view:

My ex and K had been dating for about 6 months before my daughter told me, and she pretty much knew about it from the beginning. My ex told her she couldn't tell me about it, and she agreed because she didn't want us to fight. My ex also had K around my daughter from the beginning, and my daughter was wary of her at first but started to like her. (so the people saying I should meet K before she was around my daughter, that ship unfortunately sailed long ago)

The day after the dinner MIL texted my daughter and basically said "You're not in any trouble, but don't mention your mom around K again". My daughter texted back asking why and she said "It's just easier not to upset her".

K started doing all the things with my ex in-laws I used to do. She took MIL to doctor's appointments, she took MIL shopping, she went fishing with FIL and tried to replicate my coconut cake. My daughter tried talking to her dad and said it felt like K was trying to replace me, and my dad just said "she's just being their daughter-in-law, your mother isn't their daughter-in-law anymore". Still, my daughter is stubborn and insisted it wasn't fair that her mother was being excluded from the family. Her dad just kept repeating "she's not family", to which my daughter yelled "She's my mom! That makes her more family than K".

At this, K apparently got up and left the room while my ex ran after her. K didn't just leave the room though, she took her keys and got in her car and drove away. My ex drove after her, and MIL and FIL started scolding my daughter and saying she needed to apologize to K when she got back. That's when my daughter called me in tears and asked me to come pick her up. She's insistent that she doesn't want to go back over there until they all apologize to her, and I don't blame her.

I'm honestly at a loss at all this. My ex never had a problem with me being close with his parents even though we were broken up. Hell, I was the one who stayed with MIL in the hospital for 4 months after she had a heart attack and subsequent heart surgery in 2021. I was the one who went to doctor's appointments, and organized her medications, and helped her with physical therapy. I was the one cooking meals every night and bringing them to FIL because both he and my ex have been spoiled rotten by MIL and don't know how to cook for themselves. I was the one cleaning the house for them for over a year while MIL recovered. I did it all because I loved them, not just as family to my child but as dear friends.

I don't know if this sudden change in behavior is how my ex felt all along, or if K had something to do with it. Though I suspect it's a combination of both. My ex has weaponized incompetence down to an art form, and I suspect now that he has a replacement woman to take care of him and his aging parents he no longer needs me to do it.

But that's basically all that's happened over the last month. Radio silence for me from people I used to love dearly, and them pushing my daughter away till she ran home in tears. As sad as I am for me my heart breaks tenfold for her.

AITA for coming to dinner with my ex and his new GF uninvited?

It wasn't my intention to make anyone uncomfortable, but I admit I'd be perturbed if he brought this woman into MY home and I had not even been warned first. So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

2K notes · View notes