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itszephoria · 4 years

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Saw this pop up and your followers ask you which ones they’re interested in. But people don’t really ask much when I post or they don’t ask the ones that might make you feel uncomfortable. And well, honestly I’m so bored that I’ve decided to break all the damn rules and just answer all the questions because I can. *shock horror*

So information dump on the ‘Be nosy’ that popped up in my feed today. If you’re interested.

Be nosy

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

Straight. But maybe for the right woman I could sway but wouldn’t go so far as to call myself bi or bi-curious though.

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

Obsessively obsessing about my health and how to get well and failing it all. Oh and anime movies on Netflix.

3. Ever done any drugs?

I do drugs everyday. But I assume this is referring to illegal. No and was strictly no up until recently. I now take marijuana oil on a regular basis for pain management. Also being stoned/high is not pleasant and I don’t understand why people would enjoy that as a leisurely pastime.

4. What piercings do you want?

I want to get my ears pierced again. Holes have closed up, but currently due to my health that’s not possible. I can’t even enjoy clipons :(

5. How many people have you kissed?

The massive number of 5.

6. Describe your dream home.

It’s tiny in the sense it has all the space I need. A cosy tiny-like home. But not one on wheels, fixed to the ground. And it would be made of all natural materials, stone and wood. It would be unique and resemble something out of a fairy tale. It would sit a beautiful clearing with only nature to view in the distance and all the animals and wildlife would stay well away because I’m pretty much terrified of all it,

7. Who are you jealous of?

Healthy, painfree people. I am jealous of past me who didn’t realise how lucky she was and miss her.

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

I don’t binge any show on repeat. I’d rather look for a new show to watch or enjoy, there are so many. The last shows I binged in two days was Queen’s Gambit and Emily in Paris.

9. Do you watch porn?

Yep. But struggle with it because it’s overdramatic, unrealistic and would kill or someone to make porn with a decent storyline with people that can act.

I prefer to read it if I’m honest or maybe just write it for myself.

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

Sort of? More like my other one I used I was known for all my slash writings in F1. But now I just hang out here.

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

No where. The world is riddled with co-vid and well, I’m probably in one of the safest countries and I’m at risk of death should I catch it. So I’ll stay here in my safe bubble.

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

I wake up tomorrow and I’m not me. I wake up and I can take a deep breath without gasping for air, I wake up in no pain, I wake up and my body isn’t terribly scared, I wake up and can have a ‘normal’ life.

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

Nope and no desire too. Won’t that just hurt?

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

I’d by that dream house I described, set everything up to be self sufficient. Pay and travel to try every cure available for my diseases. And then bank the rest and live off interest. Or maybe donate it. I don’t want money and I don’t really want a lot of things.

15. Are you in a relationship?

Yep and it’s a struggle and am constantly fighting to prove it’s worth continuing. Oh and that’s a relationship with myself.

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

No.

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

No, I suppose it’s more disappointed and let down by people more than angry. I’m working everyday on letting it go but it’s not easy.

18. What tattoos do you want?

I have always wanted one, but have never found something that I really loved and haven’t been imaginative enough to create something unique. The older I get though, I’m not sure I want one. I did for the longest time though think about getting a Ferrari tattooed on my inner wrist, but pleased I never did that. I don’t love the sport or Ferrari enough anymore to want a permanent reminder of that.

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

I am changing name actually. Hoping to action that in the next two weeks. I would have done it earlier but they closed the borders. I have a dutch sir name that has two words. It confuses every one, systems don’t get it, it has caused issues with plane tickets. And well I’ve decided no more and am dumping a portion of it.

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

This is a duplicate. Skipping.

21. Describe your best friend.

When you meet her for the first time she can be a little crazy and wild, and she kind of scared at me first because she’s so unlike me. But as you got to know her, the *real* her she doesn’t let people see, you realise how kind and soft she is, and she’s the most empathic person I have known. She gives so much of herself to everyone, thinks so little of herself and her needs because she’s one of the most selfless people I know. I love her more than most of my family and would do anything for her.

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

Is this followers? Uh most I don’t know what they look like? I assume they’re all hot!

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

Don’t have any really. My music is varied and is based on my mood and really changes around. And with most bands, I generally lean towards one or two songs. This is one of those questions I really struggle with whenever I see it. Will say however, have been enjoying The Beatles recently and a bit of old school stuff.

24. What are three places you want to travel?

Japan. Norway. Canada.

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Generally hanging out with people I like. Enjoying a good wine, some cheese, either playing some board game or dungeons and dragons, or watching a really good movie. Good company makes any night a good night.

26. What’s your favorite season?

Autumn. One because I think it’s neglected as a choice and every season should be loved, and two because I love the colours of autumn and the colours associated with autumn.

27. What’s your pet peeve?

I’m sure I have a heap of them, but currently it’s people that have an issue with you and instead of being an adult and talking to you about them choose to silence and blank you. I’m so tired of it, I’ve quit being peacemaker in those situations, those people are no longer worthy in my book.

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

Uh... I don’t think anyone I know is super funny. Friends and family all have a good sense of humor. But out of my circle of life people I’m always told I’m the funny one, which I find the biggest joke ever.

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

Can not think of anything off the top of my head. I will say if I think a movie is getting too much hype I refuse to watch it, whether all the reviews are raving or not. It’s why I didn’t watch Harry Potter for like ten years or any of the new Star Wars movies. I just refuse to be apart of all the hype and jump on bandwagons.

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

I’d love to talk to everyone. I’m shy to start any conversations to be honest and I think all the people I talk to regularly were the first to message me, and I love them for it.

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

100% love an old fashioned paper book. The texture of the paper. The smell of a book. That being said, I don’t think I’ve picked up a proper book to read in years. I live in fan fiction more than anything or am busy writing myself.

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

Any of the disney worlds, anything from the past, or verging on fantasy like. I want a simpler time not full of technology which I grow to hate more each day. The older I get the more I’m pretty sure I’ve been born in the wrong decade.

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

I’d build the perfect wardrobe capsule. Everything would be of high quality, not necessarily brand name and all the clothes would be sourced from ethical businesses or be handmade.

I like classic pieces, love the fashion of the 50′s and 60s and while stylish it would be comfortable to wear and everything could be worn in public (sorry comfy tracky pants).

34. What’s your coffee order?

There ain’t no coffee order. I don’t drink it. Sorry @leoni-speedyf1 I know how addicted you are to it, happy to buy you anything you like though :P

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

In real life? No one.

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

Not romantic. I have feelings in that I hope they’re doing well, achieving what they want and they’re all happy. I didn’t have any ‘bad’ breakups and all my relationships ended very amicably.

37. Have any tattoos?

No. See above for more on this.

38. Do you drink?

Rarely. Can’t with medication and condition. But on occasion I do enjoy a good glass of red. Pinot Noir is my preference.

39. Are you a virgin?

Nope.

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

Not in a romantic way? The ones I talk to regularly I love immensely though.

41. How many followers do you have?

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

Uh all the men I know I am not attracted to. Probably a good thing as they’re either family or partnered with a friend or family member.

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

Can’t think of anything. I try not to feel guilt for anything I enjoy to be honest, whether it’s food or an activity. Life is too short for that.

44. Do you read erotica?

Yep. Even write it.

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

It was a few years back. I met this guy online and we went to the city and spent most of that time just strolling next to the river for our first meet up. Why was it the worst date ever? Well it wasn’t the location that’s for sure.

The guy had two kids, and I’m a firm believer all parents have favourites, though I have yet to meet a parent that will voice that aloud. This guy, had no qualms with telling me about this favourite kid, and that wouldn’t be a problem if didn’t spend just as much putting down his younger son. It kind of left me reeling and wondering how his son felt if his dad didn’t hide just how much he didn’t like him as a person. The kid was four and the reason his dad didn’t like him was because he didn’t like bikes.

And so the guy was a bmx rider so he spent the rest of the time on our walk just pointing out all the tricks he could do. He didn’t ask about me, only talked about himself. It was also lunch time and assumed we would get something to eat together, but nope, no food was offered. And when I suggested to get something to drink because it was so hot and we’d been out in the sun for like an hour, he just took me to a subway and told me to get a drink and waved me to the line. No offer to join me, no offer to pay (which doesn’t bother me btw, but this was capping off a terrible day), no offer to get food.

I was so happy to get out of there. Didn’t speak to him again once I had left.

46. How many people do you follow?

I currently follow 59 people. I don’t follow anyone that creates drama, and try and follow only people that post about F1 as that’s all I use tumblr for now.

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

Either Sebastian Vettel or Ryan Reynolds. Both are married though, so I don’t think that’s going to turn into a reality anytime soon.

48. Describe your ideal partner.

I want someone that shares the same core values as me. Doesn’t want kids, isn’t super religious (grew up in a cult like religion so I avoid it now), is on the minimalist side and isn’t someone that needs new things things all the time or is desperate to replace something the moment they deem it out of date. Someone that doesn’t live their life on social media. Someone that prefers simple things, someone who is kind and giving, and someone that truly loves me - and it’s the last part that I struggle with finding more than anything with all the guys I have dated.

I am currently not looking for a partner, I am not in a place for a relationship and am fully focused on myself. And I am very content with that decision.

49. Who do you text the most?

Currently my bestie.

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

Clear blue skies and a warm day to enjoy the sun. But there are times when I simply love the rain, hearing it on the room, watching it fall endlessly and knowing that everything will be green from it.

#all about me #long read #tried to be open and honest

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theladylovingcrow · 4 years

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Don't Go Away Mad (Please Actually Talk To Me About the Issue) 💜 Sanny 💜

Author (As known on Various sites): Lady Lover- Rockfic, Luluthechoosingcrow - AO3, theladylovingcrow - Deviantart and Wattpad, @sammy_bluebells - Instagram, @imacrowcawcaw - main Tumblr, @theladylovingcrow - writing/art Tumblr, @insannywestan - Sanny shipping Tumblr

Fandom: Greta Van Fleet

Pairing: Sam Kiszka/Danny Wagner

Length: about 1.7k

Warnings/tags: hurt/comfort, communication issues, cuddling and snuggling, sharing a bed, getting together, fluff

Summary: They'd slept together so many times - but this was different. It would have been different starting last night, if a misunderstanding hadn't made Danny kick himself to the couch... but that didn't matter now.

Author's Notes: This is cheesy angst, I won't deny it. Fucking relationship miscommunication. Also, I just realized that cuddling is definitely a theme in my stories... I guess since I spend a lot of my writing process in bed or wishing for someone to cuddle with... yeah ok bye imma go hug a pillow

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Sam yawned and stretched, flinging his limbs out to the other half of the morning dawn-lit bed. Danny stood in the doorway, watching him warily, but not fully masking his examinations - or detailed cataloging for appreciation, rather - either.

"Um...morning, Sammy." He bit out, voice soft and a bit hesitant, as if hiding something. "How'd you sleep? Is that bed comfy?"

"You'd know it is if you'd bothered to sleep in it." Danny nearly shivered at the coldness in Sam's voice. "Why didn't you come to bed yesterday? I left you room," he snapped, waving a hand lazily in the air over the green flannel sheets.

There was indeed an empty half of the bed that Sam had dutifully not slept on, so that Danny would have had a space to slip into when he was supposed to get in. But he hadn't made a peep nor an appearance all night. By three in the morning, Sam accepted that he was going to be left alone and confused for the night. By his waking a mere few hours later, he was not only confused, but pissed off. What had he done? Why was he getting the cold treatment? Why was Danny breaking up the good thing they had had going - slow, tentative, silent, but moving steadily forward to something he thought they both wanted?

"Well, I didn't think you'd appreciate me sleeping in the same bed as you. I slept on the couch."

"Dude, what are you talking about, what is this?" Sam scoffed. "We've slept together so many times! I don't mind at all. Why on Earth would you ruin your back on the couch?" He said - almost yelled, but held himself back - brazen in his hurt and anger, not bothering to speak delicately about this... thing like they usually did.

Danny grimaced. "Oh, well I, I thought you were really mad at me... aren't you?"

"What?" Sam asked again, sitting up. Danny looked away as the blankets pooled around his bare hips, shuffling his feet still in the doorway. "No, I'm not mad at you, or, at least, I wasn't yesterday. Why would you think that?"

Danny shrugged and looked down. "I dunno, I just- it seemed like you were upset yesterday, and I guessed it had something to do with me because you were being a bit...cranky and standoffish, you kept telling me to go do things that were away from you, and your answers were always short when I tried to talk. I figured you'd want the bed to yourself, and you certainly wouldn't want to see me anymore for awhile."

Sam sighed, anger gone and guilt replacing it, patting the space next to him. Danny hesitantly sat down, keeping as much distance between his butt and Sam's body as he could without falling off of the bed.

"So, your solution was to assume you needed to give me space, and you put yourself through discomfort so you wouldn't upset me further?"

Danny nodded timidly, still not looking at Sam. His best friend frowned, putting a hand on his shoulder - but Danny stiffened up, back ramrod straight and eyes staring to the doorway.

"Danny!" Sam gasped, quiet but passionate. He wiggled over in the bed, wrapping all of his limbs around him. "That was incredibly sweet of you, but please, please don't ever do it again."

Danny's head turned towards Sam a fraction, his shoulders loosening almost imperceptibly. Sam moved his hand down from Danny's shoulder to his chest, resting it over his beating heart. The bare skin, still undressed in the early morning, was clammy and slightly sweaty, as if Danny was quietly anxious about more than Sam simply being cranky with him the day before.

"'M not mad, Danya," Sam whispered into the skin on his shoulder, the old nickname stirring a noticeable attention that his other words might not have reached.

"Sure you are, you're mad at me right now."

His voice was quiet; not gentle or even upset, but resigned. It broke Sam's heart that he had somehow given the impression that he was angry at Danny, and that he had causes him this much grief. His earlier questions reflected onto himself: what had he done to break what they had slowly been building?

"Danny, listen to me: I was NOT angry at you yesterday. I was in a bad mood, but you didn't cause it. You're my best friend, and I love you, I never intended to hurt you so bad, didn't even know I was hurting you at all."

"You promise me," Danny asked, his need for a final answer clear, "You promise me that you're not mad?"

He was pulled all the way onto the bed by Sam's skinny arms grabbing at him. He huffed and complied, worming under the covers so that he could cuddle up with Sam like he apparently wanted.

Sam layed a hand on his bicep and looked him in the eyes. "I'm so, so sorry I was in a bitchy mood yesterday, and if I took it out on you without realizing it. But, you absolutely weren't the cause," he said softly. "I don't know what it was that got me so pissed off, but it wasn't you. I was actually really looking forward to going to bed..." he trailed off, the unstated 'with you' self evident.

"Oh... I- oh," Danny whispered, relief and shame at jumping to conclusions without asking Sam coursing through him. "So I didn't need to sleep on the couch?"

"No, no," Sam shook his head, imploring Danny to fully believe him. "You didn't do a single thing wrong, it was me who should have told you what was going on with me, and I should have seen that you were upset, too."

"Yeah, maybe you should've, but I'm sorry, too. I should have just asked. I really don't know why I didn't, honestly," he chuckled, "you'd think that, by now, we'd be experts in communication."

"Nah, we're mind readers!"

They both laughed, grinning at each other a little easier now. Danny wrapped his arms around Sam while he giggled and squirmed against him, cracking up at his own comment.

"I didn't realize you forgot your pajamas," Danny said, squeezing Sam's bare thigh in between his thicker, sweatpants covered ones. A hand lightly swatted at Sam's ass, feeling the extent of his "forgotten pajamas" that was pressed up against Danny.

"I was waiting for you. I don't need clothes to keep me warm when I have you."

"Well, I guess I could keep you warm. But what about when you're actually mad at me, for reals?"

Sam made a decision, not ready to let this confusion happen again - he much preferred Danny teasing him while they cuddled.

"From now on, I don't care how mad we actually are at each other, we still sleep in the same bed. I think waking up in the morning to your face right next to me would alleviate most anger, anyways. Don't go to the couch again."

"I won't." Danny sniffed, tilted his head back on the pillow a little to look Sam in his dark eyes. "What about when we aren't mad at each other?"

Sam looked contemplative. After a minute he turned his gaze away from the corner of the room back to Danny, catching his eyes. "We sleep in the same bed."

He sounded confident, but the slight twitch of his left brow was a signal Sam knew Danny knew meant that he was going out on a limb. Sam was suggesting a crossing of lines they had never verbally, and rarely ever consciously, dared to acknowledge. Danny closed his eyes and nodded, resting his forehead against Sam's, feeling the soft breaths that escaped his lips brushing against his own.

The transaction was done, the arrangement agreed upon. Namely: they were now going to be sleeping together - and they both knew that meant literally and also literally - on a regular basis. It was nice to finally acknowledge what they'd both been silently contemplating and tentatively testing out; relieving, even, to have a rule to ground it. They were friends, best friends, during the day, and they would enjoy each other's company immensely. And when nighttime came, they would get in bed together and enjoy each other there, too, in a newer way.

"This could have been arranged a long time ago."

"Yeah," Sam sighed, "but where's the fun in good partner communication? I don't know about you, but I like going to bed angsty and separate from you much better."

The laughter died down and they remained cuddled up, pressed tight against each other, everything forgiven. Danny worked his knuckles up and down Sam's narrow back, working into wiry muscles and bumpy knobs of bone. He circled around the sharp point of a shoulder blade, then the other, feeling out every nuance of Sam's body as if he was trying to learn it as well as his.

Sam ran his hand up Danny's own back, feeling the larger muscle mass subtly shift on his frame - a frame that was probably half a foot wider than Sam's. It covered him, shielded him from anything beyond their world and let him rest his own body on it.

"I seriously have no idea how you fit on that couch. Is your back really okay?"

Danny sighed, confessed, "My right side does kind of hurt, and my shoulders are pretty tense. I had to sleep on my side all hunched up so that I wouldn't fall off the second I relaxed."

"You're such an idiot," Sam murmered, giving the aformented areas a firm rub with his warm hands.

Danny worked his other arm the rest of the way under Sam's torso, grabbing at the small of his back not to pull him close - they were as snug against each other as they could be - but to assure himself, and Sam, that he wasn't going to give up possession of him, ever. He pressed a kiss to Sam's temple, then slowly dragged his lips down to Sam's lips. It was a soft, damp kiss, their first when completely lucid.

Sam broke away with a smile, giving Danny a final kiss before turning his face down, tucking it under Danny's chin. Their pulses slowed and matched as the sun rose, wrapped up in their first of many beds they would truly, actually share.

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@satans-helper @okietrish @lazingonsunday @bigthighsandstupidguys @karrotkate @oblvions @lantern-inthenight @mountainofthesunn @ryetheruler

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matildainmotion · 4 years

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The Monstrous Shame of Motherhood and the Quest for a Cure

I feel exhausted. Even-more-than-usual exhausted. Whoever knew that staying at home could be so incredibly tiring. We have our daily outings – mainly to the golf course, which is the nearest green we have. The other evening, when we had finally made it out the house, and the children were running ahead of me across the fitted-carpet grass, I had a thought: “Maybe it will be okay,” and instantly I wanted to cry. It wasn’t a thought only about the pandemic. It was about the lot: the pandemic, plus how to get an autism diagnosis for my son that supports him, plus my 78 year old mother staying well, plus my husband’s work and the theatre community surviving in a post-Covid world, plus managing to finish my book, plus both my children’s long term futures, plus the world’s long term future and climate change, plus racial inequality, plus economic inequality, plus gender inequality, plus, plus…..

In that moment I realised that a kind of deep worry is such a constant for me now that I have grown accustomed to it, so that it is like the planes that used to fly over our house in London – a noise so familiar that after a while I no longer hear it, and yet it is there, every few minutes, unnoticed, another monstrous metal groan. And when it stops - when the planes stay down, when the worries lift up - the sudden silence is startling, enough to make me cry. But – here’s the thing- thanks to the lockdown I have realised that it isn’t just worry to which I have grown accustomed in this way. There is something else, even more monstrous, which it has taken me a long time to name – and its name is shame.

I believe the shame comes from a thousand ‘shoulds,’ from the many things I feel I should be doing as a mother and am not. Motherhood, along with the paraphernalia of nappies, wipes and purees, comes with a huge bundle of shoulds. The very first thing I did, nine years ago now, on discovering that I was pregnant, was to rush out to Waterstones and buy a book on what I should and shouldn’t eat during the next nine months– and that was only the beginning. The shoulds come from everywhere, a mountain of well-meant advice, not only from books, but from doctors, midwives, family members, partners, friends, other mothers, even complete strangers. I remember standing in a shop queue with my three-week-old son in a sling, when the woman behind me leant forward and touched one of his toes. “Where’s his socks?” she said, “He’ll catch his death of cold.” On the one hand I felt reasonably confident that carrying my son around sock-less was not going to endanger his life, on the other, as a brand new mother, I was nonetheless shaken by the idea that my son’s survival was up to me, and that many different people had many different ideas about how best I should fulfil my role of raising and protecting him. At times, even my instinct, that famous maternal inner guide, seemed like a mysterious thing that someone else had told me I should follow.

Mothers Who Make began, in part, as a response to all these shoulds. When I went along to the new mother and baby groups, that I also believed to be obligatory, I noticed a distressing pattern. All too often we were simply swapping ‘shoulds’ with each other and coming away feeling worse than when we arrived. No place or position was safe: I met mothers who felt they should be breastfeeding, mothers who felt the need to put a label saying ‘breastmilk’ on the bottle they fed their baby in public, as well as mothers who felt they should be weaning their baby and moving rapidly onto solids. I met mothers who felt bad about co-sleeping and mothers who felt bad about not doing so. In those early days of mothering - when you should be feeling overjoyed - there are even charts that tell you what should be happening when, how much your child should weigh, by when they should be making eye contact etc. It is not that these charts are entirely unhelpful or inaccurate, but they certainly encouraged my constant questioning: is my child okay? Am I okay? Am I doing this right? And if I thought I wasn’t, if I was not doing what I should, I felt ashamed.

I have felt many parallels between lockdown and early motherhood – the sudden cessation of all usual activity, the focus on ‘intensive care’ and care-taking, the washing, the sense of vulnerability, the way leaving the house seems like an epic adventure, the isolation and longing for connection. And, as in early motherhood, our diverse lives are again apparently aligned. We are all in the same situation: all the mothers in those baby groups had a new born / all the mothers I know now are in lockdown due to a pandemic. This makes comparison seem possible, even appropriate. There is a set of scales around again – I weigh our lives on it and find myself at fault.

Let me give you a small sample of some of the shoulds that fly low over my home, through my mind, like aeroplanes, a few of the many that I have collected over my nine years of mothering. I should get my children to bed earlier. I should give them less screen time, or it shouldn’t happen first thing in the morning, or I should manage the whole issue of screens in a better, different way. I should give them less choice about what they eat. I should make sure they eat more fresh foods and less sugar. I should make them help around the house more. I should hold the structure of the day better. I should make sure everyone stays at the table when we’re eating. I should take steps towards weaning my daughter. I should never resort to threats – to the ‘if you don’t stop x, you won’t get y’ pattern. And so on and so forth – you get the gist. And because I do not do these things - and I imagine a thousand other mothers who are doing them wonderfully - I feel ashamed. I realise as I write this that my ‘shoulds,’ as listed here, are nice, white, middle class ones- signs of privilege. Shame is a heavy word and it is associated with far darker things than letting your kids watch too much telly. I want to acknowledge that my issues are trifling compared to those many have to navigate, but shame, whatever the context, is still shame and it is powerful. As someone who was once anorexic, I know that shame can sit alongside privilege and that, where present, it undermines the ease of even the most comfortable life.

Back in Jan 2019 I wrote a blog about guilt. I now think I was muddling up some of my guilt and my shame. In general, I feel guilty about specific instances that have an immediate, present moment, ground-level reality: I shouted at my son when he blasted water over the bathroom with the shower head and that triggered one of his big, aggressive rages. If I feel guilty about something, I can say sorry about it, to the person or people I have wronged, and then it’s over. Shame, for me, is more like the ongoing aeroplanes, it is long term - a long haul flight. On the bad days, motherhood seems like a very lengthy exam, the end of it still twenty years away. My children are not the examiners – certainly not for now – they are the results. Depending on how the children turn out, I will pass or fail. There are external examiners, keeping track, making notes, of all the things I am doing or not doing. And who are they, these examiners? I think, somewhere in my psyche, there is an impressive panel of them, made up of everyone who has ever shared ‘a should’ with me, from the author of the book on what to eat during pregnancy, to the woman in the queue who wanted my son to be in socks, to the many other authors, friends and strangers who have offered me advice - they are all sitting there, scribbling on their notepads, shaking their heads. They are not bad people. Many of them are people for whom I have enormous respect, which makes it worse. I believe in their advice – seriously, I should be following it.

In my blog on guilt, I found my guilt a figure – made it into an image that helped me connect to the things that mattered to me, lying underneath the guilt. It turned out to be a Mary Poppins-like character, flying a kite. I think my shame has a very different form. There is the panel of judges, frowning from a distance, and then there is the shame herself, much closer in, and, like the sound of the low-flying planes, she’s monstrous.

My son’s latest obsession is the Beast Quest books (he has moved on from My Little Pony - woe betide you if you mention his former interest to him). There are over a hundred Beast Quest books, all with the same basic formula – boy meets monster. Giant birds, snakes, insects, spiders, bears, apes, hounds, trolls, ogres, dragons – you name your flavour of nightmarish monster, it will be there. I am glad to say there is a reasonable spread of gender representations across the monsters – sadly none of them are trans but there are some mothers. My ‘shame monster’ is definitely a mother. She is immense, stinking, gruesome and green. Her roar is the soundtrack of my days, to which I have grown accustomed. In some of the Beast Quest books the beasts are evil and must be destroyed, but in some they are good, set under an evil curse, from which they must be freed. I think my monstrous shame mother is one of these – good at heart but under pressure, after years of judgement, she has turned malevolent. And here is the irony: I believe her malevolent aspect has a more toxic impact on my children and our household, than any of the things such as screen time, sugar, late nights, unstructured days, which have driven her into this terrible state. Her constant growling makes me tense, fractious and very, very tired. I don’t think I can go on like this. So, what to do? How to release her from the curse? And who would she be without it?

Often the opposite of shame is presented as pride. But I think pride too is problematic – the panel of judges, external examiners, is still present in the dynamic, it’s just that they are giving out good marks instead of bad. So, if the shame-beast, when transformed, does not turn into the proud mother, who does she become?

As ever, when I am wrangling with a question in my mothering, I look to my making for answers. Throughout the lockdown I have been writing whenever I can. Always, when the children are having their screen time. Often, when I should be getting them dressed, or focussing on making us breakfast, or preparing them for bed. I don’t write because I should. I write because I want to do it, because it helps me give things meaning, because it brings me joy. I think back to that teary moment on the golf course, watching the children run ahead of me over the grass. What made the worry lift, the planes stop, the monster turn out good? Yes, I think it was a moment of joy. I think, when the gory green monster is not sweating with shame, she is lit up with joy.

So much, so often, is laid at the mother’s door. On the one hand we are ‘just’ being mums, with minimal status, doing an insignificant job, and on the other, we are accorded huge significance – everything can be traced back to us, to our care or the lack of it, our early influence. I do not wish to deny our responsibility as mothers, but I do not believe our shame helps us to shoulder it, or that we should shoulder it alone. When I started Mothers Who Make I wanted it to be a held peer-support space where women could share their challenges without shame, and celebrate, even cultivate, their joy. I wanted to create a group in which we did not find further fault, did not inadvertently end up undermining or judging one another, adding to the great big bundles of shoulds already carried. It is why it is still vital to me that we welcome every kind of mother – breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, those who keep their mothering and their making strictly separate, those who take their children to work – every kind. It is also the same impulse that lies behind our Matronage scheme. Rather than a panel of judges telling us whether or not we are worthy, I want to see whether we can hold each other up. We have been asking people to become our ‘Matron Saints’ by giving us the price of a coffee a month - £3. We need 300 of you to become self-sustaining. So far we have a fantastic 99! Once we reach 100, I am going to announce a new project in celebration– a way, I hope, to keep the same ethos of grassroots peer-support alive and kicking – kicking off the shoulds, turning them into wishes and dreams.

And in the meantime, whilst you are all rushing to bring us over the 100 Matron Saint mark, (go here to do so: www.motherswhomake.org) these are your questions for the month: as a mother and/ or as a maker what are the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ you carry around with you? Do your ‘shoulds’ turn into shame? And then- as an antidote to this -what brings you joy? In your mothering? In your making? As we slowly emerge out of this pandemic, can you do more of this? Can you create a more shameless world? Can you help make the monsters joyful?

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macgyvertape · 5 years

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Just finished play the outer worlds, playing as a liar, as a thief, as a manipulative asshole, very cynical about politics and anyone with power (including herself), as someone who “could turn this system upside down through charisma alone”, and as someone who considers intimidation and violence a valid answer when persuade and lie fail.

I think it’s the most fun I’ve had roleplaying a character in a video game, and there wasn’t a single ending card that made me wish I had dome something different. I like this character enough to wish i could write fanfic about them

Other fun facts about my character:

She’s a sniper, the only fight she like is if they can see the enemy in her scope before the enemy can see them. She got the Dead-Eye Assault Rifle right when they got to Groundbreaker by sneaking around and stealing. Then used that rifle as their main gun for 90% of the game.

One flaw: she’s real bad with cliffs and estimating if something is just a bit too far down.

Didn’t ever introduce herself to someone who wasn’t Parvati until after she got the ship impound lifted on Groundbreaker. Just deflected and dodged since there were too many risks in taking up a dead man’s ID.

Doesn’t care about using corpses for fertilizer, it’s better than eating rats. As long as you aren’t eating actual people, doesn’t see what the big deal is.

She fucking hates cannibals. She respects the captain and navigator of the Hope immensely for what they did to protect the crew.

Adelaide called her “some kind of twisted” for how she manipulated things to get Adelaide in charge of Edgewater. Considered that a compliment.

Talked her way past the crazies in the Groundbreaker Back Bays to peacefully retrieve the parts. Once she got the bounty notice she talked Gunnar MacRedd into handing over his lighter because she could. Then went to the back of the bay, set up a sniper nest and cleared the area out.

Parvati is her favorite, and after the multi-planet quest for a date night, shes already putting aside credits to give Parvati whatever wedding she wants.

Doesn’t always take Parvati along because it’s easier to lie to and intimidate people when Parvati isn’t there.

Parvati is one of the few people she would never manipulate, and if Parvati got hurt whoever did it would never see her coming.

Doesn’t disclose that she’s the shadow leader of Halcyon until Parvati figures it out. Was worried it would make things awkward.

Didn’t trust Felix at first when he asked join the crew, because the way he kept using compliments reminds them how she talk to marks.

By the time Harlow comes around she considers Felix part of her crew and tells Harlow to fuck off for trying to use him. Not upset that it ended in a shootout, considered him the worst kind of hypocrite.

Doesn't fully trust ADA but won’t ever tell her. Doesn’t trust robots much because you can’t persuade them like people, and with a high hack skill she knows how easy it is to control them. She never traveled with SAM

She always travels with Ellie if she can. For all she manipulates those in power, she likes Ellie and wants to build trust and genuine friendship there.

Once Ellie has her own crew she’ll see in Ellie is interested in something more.

Ellie is the first companion to know about the whole “Shadow leader of Halcyon” thing, and in her case it’s because she more or less asked about future goals

Thinks Ellie’s jokes and aside comment are hilarious.

Let Max murder Chaney. Who is she to tell someone murder is wrong when it’s to settle a score. Knew she could have persuaded the hermit to let Max do the drug ritual. Didn’t because she thinks religion is a whole is a lie and a way to control people, and wanted Max to confront that.

Abandoned-religion!Max and Ellie are her two favorite traveling companions overall. You got to have partners to survive, and she feels like they would be willing to call her out if she started to go to far.

She really likes listening to the two of them argue. Will join in with Ellie in calling Max things that annoy him like “Vicky” or “Preacher Man”

Won’t go anywhere on Monarch without Nyoka because she hates every single fucked up wildlife animal. Respects Nyoka a whole lot, for how much she helped the people of Monarch.

Wishes she could help Nyoka with her alcoholism, but understands its a way to cope with survivors guilt and trauma.

Definitely supports the Charon group politically and financially. She wants Nyoka to have that stable life, but there is always room on the Unreliable for her.

Definitely hates all the fucked up science experiments as food in the colony. Would probably stab someone (who deserved it) for real food.

Glad she’s friends with the information broker on monarch. By the time the gunship crashes, she does’t find him that annoying.

Really liked Cassandra O’Malley from Rosewater, definitely tracks her down after the game to offer her work.

Had a hand in Lilya Hagen having an “accident”. Partly because she was sparking unrest in a time of crisis, partly because Lilya wouldn’t work with her, and she wanted a useful relationship with a functional pmc.

Cynical af towards people in power. Guessed that Graham had something to hide based on the comments, and wasn’t surprised to find out what he had done. Didn’t trust anything about early retirement when she first heard about it, and took pleasure shooting up the place. Didn’t have any regrets in telling the rich asshole to go check it out.

Really hates Byzantium as a whole, but being in movies is sure useful for getting people to like you.

She honestly wasn’t sure if she was going to sell out Phineas or not for a long while or not. But after hearing what Akade wanted to do to Edgewater, she figured the board was more likely to just outright kill most of the population than try to freeze and unthaw them.

Lied to Akade that she would do the job because even though she thought Akade was crazy for thinking the plan would work, Akade was the most competent and rational Board member she had met.

She was upset the board was willing to sacrifice a colony to save a town of rich assholes, but also upset that from a social and science perspective the board’s plan wouldn’t even work.

Started thinking something was wrong with Earth back while going through HRS-1084 and reading about how there had been no news back from missing ships. She had been wondering why a gunship fell out of the sky from lack of maintenance.

Think’s there is always a third option. Wound up being revered with most factions, and friendly with the Board and Auntie Cleo. She’s made a lot of powerful friends in the system, friends she helped put into power.

Getting through the Tartarus was a cakewalk thanks to the groups that stormed it. At that moment realized yeah she could actually pull of her “shadow leader of Halcyon” plan.

Calls Sophia Akade by her first name. Enjoyed putting the little detail about “Sophie” into the lie to turn her against the chairman.

Despite telling her to “drop the honorable adversary act, and fuck off already” she does like Sophia. She just things honorable adversaries are fucking dumb.

She definitely tracks Sophia down later, how could she not, Sophia is misguided yes, but actually gets shit done.

#the outer worlds #the outer worlds spoilers #my character #my oc

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sage-nebula · 6 years

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((DO NOT reblog this, or I will delete the post and block you, thanks))

I’m doing . . . a bit better. I think. Maybe.

It feels a bit hard to say, because I crashed . . . so hard on Thursday. I was on a decline ever since the week before, but it was like a . . . slow decline, you know. A stuttering one, where I was maybe digging in my heels to try to stop that from happening because I had been doing so much better (I made a post about that and everything!), and I wanted to keep doing better. I wanted to be okay. But then Thursday happened, and my depression crashed on me hard, and ever since then I’ve been trying to claw my way back up with what feels like limited success, really, really wishing that my doctor had increased my dosage of Lexapro when he had the chance (though neither of us could have predicted this happening).

But this vague rambling probably doesn’t explain much, huh.

Basically, if you haven’t been paying any attention to any of my tag posts: The week before last, my very good friend (who was also my boss and mentor) of nine years took his own life.

I feel, or have been feeling, in many ways responsible. Everyone I talk to about this says that I’m not, that it wasn’t my fault. But he had been confiding in me over the past few months about the difficulties he was going through. At one point he said that I was his only friend that he could talk to about this (which I’ve since learned was apparently not true, but that’s what he told me). But there was a period of a couple weeks where I didn’t check in with him to see how things were going because I was sorting through my own issues with my panic attacks, and adjustment to the Lexapro. Then, the very night that I made a post about how much better I was doing, he took his own life. I just felt . . . responsible. I felt like I could have, or should have, done more. The guilt was not helped by the fact that I knew it was suicide even before I was told. While everyone else said, “I never saw it coming,” to me, I . . . I didn’t know he was doing that badly, I didn’t know that was a real risk, but I also wasn’t surprised because I knew how much he was struggling. I knew, and yet I wasn’t there to help him. I didn’t check in with him, because I was so busy focusing on my own issues. That made me feel guilty. That made me feel responsible.

But I was still trying to keep on top of things. I was still trying to keep moving forward, because I knew that’s what he would want, anyway. And then Thursday happened, and . . .

Basically, on Thursday, his family held a memorial service for him, which of course I attended. And while I was there, I met and talked with his mother. And she, unprompted, told me in graphic detail exactly how he took his own life.

And I couldn’t handle it.

I lost it completey. I know it was rude of me, and I know it must have looked terrible to her, but I ended up having to give a quick “sorry” and bolt from the scene. I felt like I was going to either throw up or pass out, or throw up and then pass out. I stayed at the event for a little while longer, because I had other friends there, but while everyone else went out for drinks, I went home. I couldn’t be out anymore; I still felt precariously close to the edge. But when I went home, I didn’t accomplish anything. I tried playing a couple different games, but I couldn’t concentrate on any of them well enough to actually play (it was like I was staring at the screen without actually seeing it, resulting in a lot of deaths). I couldn’t write, because I couldn’t muster up the will to think of words. I ended up marathoning eleven straight episodes of The Good Place because I saw Netflix had the first season and I didn’t know what else to do. I cannot express how strange it is for me to sit there and watch a television program for that long in one sitting. Ordinarily my attention span doesn’t allow for it. I usually only watch things when I’m eating, because I have to be multitasking like that in order for my brain to be able to tolerate it. But that night, I just sat there and stared. I did process what was happening in the show, and smiled a little at the jokes, but that was about the extent of it. I crashed that hard. It was like my brain straight up blue screened.

And I’ve been trying, with immense difficulty, to recover ever since.

Friday was spent in a daze much like Thursday night, even though I was at work and had stuff to do (and even though the afternoon is when I usually talk with my bff SB, but I could barely muster up the energy to do so and I felt so bad). The main difference is that there was some crying, and also some random bursts of anxiety or anger that quickly faded back into depression. I was so goddamn depressed. I was depressed enough so that I could actually say “I’m super fucking depressed” because I recognized that for what it was. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt completely exhausted. I had those bursts of anxiety or irritation, as I said (mostly related to people bringing up Voltron to me, given that there’s literally nothing that could redeem that show or Joaquim / Lauren in my eyes and it’s still a source of upset to me, yet something “big” happened on Friday and so everyone wanted to talk about it), but mostly I just felt like my emotions had completely crashed out and hit bottom. I couldn’t muster up the energy for anything. When I got home I tried playing games, but I don’t have new ones to play and won’t until August, so it felt like there was nothing for me to do. Critical boredom and critical depression, and my very good friend / mentor was still dead.

But Saturday was a little easier. And today has been a little easier, too. I’m still not at 100%, or even close to it. I think I’m maybe at . . . 65%? 70%? But I’m slowly . . . slowly climbing my way back up. I’m still completely exhausted, still wish I had a stronger dose of Lexapro, but I’m climbing my way back up. And what has really helped me is having friends who have checked in on and supported me, and let me know they cared. I felt bad about not being a fun conversation partner for my bff SB, but that was due to my own feelings making me feel bad, not anything she said or did. SB has been unconditionally supportive, compassionate, and caring toward me through all of this. We talk every day and she’s been there for me through it all, despite the ocean between us. And I have other friends, too, who sent me messages to check in and offered to talk if I needed it; who sent me puppy gifs and pictures to try to cheer me up; who stopped by my desk at work to see how I was doing on Friday, and to reiterate time and again that I could talk to them if needed; who, after hearing what happened, asked me if I was safe. Having those friends who checked in like that, or who have been supportive like that, has helped. I might not be at 100% yet, but it helps having those friends there.

Anyway, I don’t know, there’s no real point to this. I just wanted to get it out of my head. Sometimes it’s better to have things like this out of your head than to let them rot in there. (And also, if I’ve seemed off to anyone lately, this would be a good explanation as to why.)

(once again, DO NOT reblog this, or I will delete the post and block you. thanks.)

#suicide mention--//--cw

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cumbersomelift · 3 years

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Spiritual First Aid (Resources Pt. 1)

When I was deconverting at university, I spent months poring over sacred texts, spiritual commentary, and works of philosophy to try to find what’s true. I thought what I needed was a theological rehab – to detox from harmful ideas and to replace them with healthier ones. But what I really needed was more like spiritual first aid – something to immediately address the frustration and guilt I was experiencing right then and there. I mourned the death of God even as I rejected him, and I felt tangled up in this ambiguous sense of loss.

Apart from a few close friends, I deconstructed privately. I thought the more open I was about my questions the less social support would be available from my community. (This was only half true.) I had also internalized the idea that I was responsible for the spiritual well-being of those around me, so I should keep these potentially destabilizing questions to myself because to do otherwise would be morally irresponsible. I would have said that it’s like throwing the biblically inexperienced into the theological deep end (which is patronizing and ridiculous). So, I often felt alone. Years of immersion in evangelical culture made me blind to the shame-loops that fed that sense of isolation and deaf to the language I needed to describe my own experience.

Even years later I’m still figuring that out. But I’ve found the trick to unlocking that language is just tuning in to the right conversation. These days, they are happening all around us in podcasts, books, and other media. Some of the best advice to those deconstructing—and in general— is simply to keep reading.

So here are some of the resources that I had (or wish I had) when I was deconstructing, and a map to show how they meet different needs. After all, someone reshaping their faith (deconstructing) needs something different than a someone dropping it entirely (deconverting). Those of us who are hurting need something different than those who are rebuilding. So, here’s the chart I’ve used to help catalog the books I’ve found most useful.

The reverent/irreverent x-axis describes whether the author sees religion as sacred and useful or delusional and hurtful. So, on the reverent side, you have secular pluralists who see religion as a force for good and Christians boldly asking the hard questions in an authentic attempt to deepen their faith. On the irreverent side, you have secular thinkers who say organized religion is mostly just harmful, but it’s normalized in ways that make this hard to see. If you’re deconstructing as a Christian – because you think the earth maybe wasn’t created in 7 days or because the Bible is hard to make sense of – then I’d point you to the reverent side of this map. For those deconverted or deconverting, you might find the irreverent items more relatable.

The processing/structuring y-axis captures whether the writer is exploring the personal experience or writing about the structure of beliefs that follow. Writers who are “processing” are often those who have abandoned a formerly cherished belief and are working through that change out loud with friends. “Structuring” writers are a few steps removed from the tension but can help answer the question "What am I supposed to believe now?" These writers can help us replace bad theology with a healthier, coherent alternative.

For brevity, this post is focused solely on the processing quadrants – I’ll pick up the structuring quadrants another time. These are a handful of resources that I’d describe as being Spiritual First Aid because they help make sense of pain and can even provide community for those struggling. I have a few books listed, but many of these are literal conversations in the form of podcasts. As you’re reading these consider adding them to your Facebook feed, Spotify rotation, or Amazon wishlist.

Oh. And one last thing: the point of this series is to encapsulate for the church what it’s like to deconstruct and how that impacts relationships. If you’re a person of faith reading this, I encourage you to listen in on some of these podcasts yourself – not because I think they’ll deconvert you but because they’re a primer for bigger conversations. They can be immensely helpful if you want to know reasons people leave the faith, why they might harbor resentment toward the church, and whether your church is participating in these harmful practices (I know that I was). So, even if the quadrant is “for you” it can offer a sense of what experiences others are up against.

Irreverent and Processing

These are conversations where people explore personal experiences of religious trauma syndrome, process the emotional damage of belief, and reject their spiritual upbringing with varying degrees of force. These can be useful for knowing you are not alone when you feel betrayed or hurt by religion in ways that are hard to express. They may even supply language to better articulate those experiences. Everything I listed here is produced by deconverted Christians who have firsthand experiences deconstructing their faith and fishing out the toxic ideas they once accepted.

The Life After (Podcast)

Here, two deconverted pastors interview courageous people about their journey of faith deconstruction, unraveling religious indoctrination, spiritual abuse experiences, religious trauma, mourning the death of God, and what it's like rebuilding a community after leaving Christian fundamentalism. Their trauma-informed approach and irreverent humor add levity to a series of heavy topics. (If this paragraph is the first time you've ever heard of spiritual abuse or religious trauma then you can read a short blurb about religious trauma syndrome (RTS) from one of the lead researchers on the topic, here.)

I found two episodes on purity culture and RTS with sex therapist Jamie Lee Finch to be especially illuminating. These are the episodes "Unbuckling the Bible Belt" and then “You Are Your Own.” The best introduction to this podcast might be the episode called “Born Again Again” with Katie and Joe Bauer who talk about deconstructing as a couple and what it’s like for spiritual leaders to leave the faith.

The Life After also has a Facebook group that began as a trauma-informed home base for listeners to relate their deconversion experiences, but now it hosts book clubs, a mentor network, and a stream of blasphemous insights from those who have deconstructed into non-Christian spirituality or secular humanism. They even have affinity groups focused on specific challenges like how to be body-positive after living in purity culture or deconverting in a marriage where one partner stays a believer.

Born Again Again (Podcast)

Two former worship leaders talk through their own deconstruction experiences and how they make sense of their spiritual upbringing as secular adults. They have some fascinating stories about their experiences with Campus Crusade for Christ and the Hillsong movement. In fact, in "This Is Your Brain on Worship" the hosts share how they had a formula to help congregants speak in tongues based on hypnosis. Wild!

Another is "A Personal (or Abusive) Relationships with Jesus?" where the hosts show the dark side of trading religion for a "relationship with Jesus.” They start with the descriptions provided by Campus Crusade for Christ, John Piper, and Billy Graham to define what a relationship with Jesus means, then they break down how these definitions in any other context are textbook cases of abuse that are just normalized through false consensus. They also talk about what it did to them to buy into this relational framework themselves, and how Cru’s organizational structure can pressure young college students to do the same.

r/exvangelical, r/exChristian, e/TrueAtheism (Reddit Boards)

r/exvangelical and r/exchristian are moderated communities of post-fundamentalist Redditors. This might be of use for those who describe themselves as something like "culturally Christian but theologically agnostic.” It’s a moderated group of individuals that works like the Life After Facebook group. People share their experiences, seek advice, and connect on the process of deconversion. It’s a very welcoming, affirming community where pretty much every trepidatious Redditor is met with a chorus of supportive replies.

r/TrueAtheism is similar but not specifically made up of post fundamentalists. It was recommended from the Born Again Again hosts. This particular thread of “honest questions from an atheist” is an incredibly exhaustive list of troubling bible verses and hard-ball questions about the faith that many of us may find relatable or articulate a dissonance we’ve experienced before.

Reverent and Processing

These may be good resources for people who grew up Christian and have an active personal faith but aren't sure where they fit anymore. After all, the church has changed a lot in the last ten years. Maybe you describe yourself as a Christian mystic, agnostic, or just a believer trying to find your place. If the phrase "spiritual nomadism" resonates with you, you might feel at most at home exploring questions of faith with these spiritual thinkers.

The Liturgists Podcast (Podcast)

Michael Gungor and Co. are believers in the in-between talking about faith issues and modern events in this podcast. Sometimes we conflate deconstruction with deconversion and overlook the ocean of gray area between Christian fundamentalism and secular humanism. This podcast is hosted by a community of believers that live in that space.

In "Is Deconstruction Bad?" they talk about the emotions felt in deconstruction, the social cost (especially for spiritual leaders), and how to embrace a healthy outlook in the midst of it. It's a serious look into what is lost when we challenge our assumptions about faith and why it becomes hard to stop. A similar episode is called "Does Being Good Mean My Beliefs Shouldn't Change?"

Among my favorites, though, is "Swapping Fundamentalisms.” Sometimes we move from one restrictive, dogmatic set of beliefs to another because we've internalized fundamentalism so thoroughly that we take it with us wherever we go next.

Faitheist: How an Atheist Found Common Ground with the Religious (Book)

Chris Stedman was raised in a staunchly homophobic faith community when he began to realize he was gay. His memoir is a story about his unconventional deconversion experience. Stedman would say that the hostility expressed by his church toward the LGBTQ community is hard to too similar to what new atheists express toward the church today. Stedman rejects militant atheism for a more pluralistic approach to interfaith relationships. He believes that mutually incompatible religions can exist in harmony and not just competition.

He's an atheist committed to interfaith organizing and believes that rallying faith groups on the common ground of our humanist ethics can help us create a better world together. If you think the new atheists are too harsh on religion or overlook the good that religion has does for the world, then you might be sympathetic to his approach.

The Sacredness of Questioning Everything (Book)

David Dark a Christian writer who thinks that if you read the Bible and don't have any questions then you weren't reading very closely. "The God of the Bible not only encourages questions; the God of the Bible demands them." In The Sacredness of Questioning Everything, Dark talks through why interrogating our belief is a spiritual discipline and what believers fall prey to once they stop.

Importantly, Dark shows how deconstruction isn't just for the deconverting. Instead, it's an act of theological hygiene. If the God we believe can’t accept protest, interrogation, or dissent, then we’re in trouble. In fact, without the right questions, our conception of God can exist strictly to keep us in line and keep our heads down so we don't get burned. Dark is a Christian who wants to disabuse Christians of that narrow conception of God and show why questions are essential for spiritual growth.

Conclusion

So there’s my spiritual first aid kit. Hopefully at least one or two of these resources will resonate with you. I can say that at different points in my life, each of these things provided an insight that made deconstruction less shameful and more clear. If you have other books, podcasts, or communities that have helped you process in deconstruction, then don’t hesitate to add them in the comments.

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crimsonrevolt · 7 years

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Congratulations Snow you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Dirk Cresswell!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

It’s always so amazing to me that so many people choose to come back to Crimson and it’s such a joy to see your Dirk come back to life in your app! I know I speak for many when I say that you took a character that none of us knew much about and brought with him a personality that we couldn’t forget. It’s so good to see you again and that you’ve found the time to come back to the rp! Snow, your reason for choosing him, in particular, made me emotional, and I can’t wait to see you write him with a fresh breath of life! Hopefully, you’ll be able to carry him on a new and beautiful journey as the war progresses and affects him. I can’t wait to see you and Dirk back on the dash!

application beneath the cut ( tw: brief mentions of death )

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Snow, 21, she/her, gmt+3

ACTIVITY

im going to well and truly throw myself into my studies this semester, and i’m also running an rp with a friend of mine on tumblr, so i don’t know how active i’ll be honestly. given how much i already love and adore every member of this group and all your characters, i’ll be able to find time. 6 or 5 out of ten, i think.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

a promo blog about a year ago lol. i found this group way before it even opened but only applied like, months afterwards.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

hm. my answer differs every time based on my mood i think. like i dont think there’s one character i really truly identify with? probably percy tho lbr.

ANYTHING ELSE?

nope.

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

dirk cresswell. well, a revised version of him.

FACE CLAIM

ezra miller. listen i tried to change his fc but ezra is dirk and dirk is ezra the line has been blurred for ages now it is beyond my control.

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

i’d thought of coming back with a different character and had gone through a host of them in the open tag. i’d considered someone on the other end of the spectrum to counteract the experience i’ve had playing dirk. i’d thought of playing someone balanced and sophisticated and well-mannered, someone with a little less emotion and a little more poise. someone who is not dirk, but dirk seems to have stuck himself all the way down to the roots and i can’t seem to get him out.

i cannot properly express in words how much i love this character. i’m floundering for the right ways to lay it out. he is a myriad of unlikely contradictions – kind, and just, and cruel. he is optimism and realism hand-in-hand, but he is just as much that as he is full of lies. half truths, denials, secrets. he is honest and genuine, and his intentions are as pure as those of a noble knight but he strikes quick, and fast, and merciless, with the harsh finality of an execution.

he loves openly. he is never shying away from expressing his love and devotion for his friends and family. he is never afraid of what his love for them would do to him, or to them – no, he is afraid: the fear of losing someone who’d rooted themselves into the crevices of his life is numbing, almost all-consuming, but dirk has never known how to not love, how to not be so open towards them so much of the time.

and even then, it feels, to him, as though he is never without something to hide. as though he is never not carrying a secret of some sort, as though there is always something he is carefully folding to the side throughout his life, as though he has never been fully honest with another person before. the thing is, he is always open about the good parts of himself – he is loud and obnoxious about his love and his optimism, he is blazing and boisterous about his successes and achievements. he is almost always alone in his losses. he has become terribly adept in being both honest and not, at once.

he does not forgive. he is fearful of trust, of betrayal, of being left in the dust once again. he loves, he loves, he loves, but he does not trust quite as freely.

i’d focused much too much on his guilt and misery when i had played him last, but i’m hoping to be able to focus more this time on some good things in his life. which will probably not last very long lbr but im excited to see for myself.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

dirk is an utter, unbelievably obnoxious, hopeless romantic. he is nineteen years old and had known he is gay for years, the wizarding world being far more relaxed about such things than where he’d come from, but only in the last few years or so had he become relaxed enough to be open about his sexuality to more than just the people he trusts. the idea of finding a committed, long term partner – male partner – is only just beginning to settle itself within him. he is only now beginning to truly see himself with a future in perhaps a domestic fashion and, despite the times they live in, he is positively giddy. it’s embarrassing. really.

dirk is a cis male character, though i’d really like to see how he would interact with a trans and/or nonbinary character and how he might find solace with someone who, while perhaps not exactly like him, falls far from the conventional lines drawn up by the social structures they live in.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

traits:

+ TALENTED:

Dirk’s magical talents were difficult to miss, even to those who really, really tried, and it was not entirely for the considerable amount of bragging on Dirk’s part – though, arguably, that was a large part of it – but his hands, deft with potions and charms and defensive spells, were quick to catch people’s attention, and keep it. his exceptional dueling skills had not gone unnoticed, either, not by his teachers, and certainly not by his pureblooded schoolmates, who have repeatedly tested his abilities first hand.

+SOCIABLE:

Dirk is That One Kid that knows everyone, and who everyone knows. He joined every extracellular activity the school had to offer at one point or another, he never missed a chance to hang out and have fun, and he was always interested in meeting new people and making new friends. His easy humor and confident attitude drew people to him and relaxed them in his company, his optimism and cheeky remarks making him an uplifting presence to have around. He is secretive, however, keeping his emotional troubles and inner demons far away from prying eyes, even those he considers close.

-TRUST ISSUES:

Dirk has been shown love and taught not to trust it. a parting gift, from his mother, one could say. he finds difficulty – immense difficulty – in sharing his troubles, or his secrets of any kind, with anyone. he loves and he cares about his friends and there is very little he wouldn’t do for them, but trust is something that is difficult to come by, for him, and it is something that frustrates his friends to no end.

-ARROGANT:

Dirk has an exaggerated sense of his own abilities. He is talented, yes, anyone would be hard pressed to deny that, but he tends to – overestimate, what he can do. It could also be put down to his perfectionist nature, that he would bite off more than he could chew and simply expect himself to rise up to the challenge.

he is so confident in the caliber of his character, in his own moral righteousness, in his ability to tell right from wrong. he believes so completely in aversio and what they stand for and in the choices he’s made, that he is right, that he is good, that what they’re doing is entirely justified to a morally correct eye. his arrogance and his pride, just as his loyalty and his bravery and everything good in his heart, have led him down a path of darkness where the torch of his anger has lit the way so brightly he cannot see the blackness of his surroundings. he is a morally grey character with a black and white mindset.

——

Mockblog: dorkcresswxll.tumblr.com

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

he squints, tilts his head, leans back on the back of his feet. “just one?” he asks, and straightens up as a thought occurs to him. there’s the beginning of a grin pulling at his lips, something of boyish mischief coloring his features. “something to, to take care of pureblooded bigots. y’know, take care of ‘em. actually, all bigots, y’know, all at once.” he shrugs, hands shoved into his pockets, boyish grin spreading across his face. giddy. “i’d call it the purifier, just for kicks.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“Sal!” a burst of laughter, involuntary, and he leans forward. “did you see her swing that wretched bat of hers? i’d take her with me to that Snake Supreme if i could, she’d bash his head in and cuss up a storm and everything, she’s good at making a big fuss.” the fond gleam in his eyes is unmissed by any, there is pride in his voice when he speaks of her, of his sister. he does not attempt to hide it. “and – and food for the object, i think, that’d work out pretty well, yeah?”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“when to take a bloody break.” he huffs, annoyed, and perhaps a touch embarrassed. “i still don’t know how to do that.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

that he is weak, that he is lesser, that he isn’t good enough. that he is just as bad as those he fights to rid the world of, that he is worst. that he is amoral, immoral, that he is unjust and evil and simply a murderer.

he hums. thoughtful. for a moment. “that i can’t take a loss well. which, mind you, is ridiculous – i never lose anyway!”

WRITING SAMPLE

it wasn’t difficult to get the old man to sign his letter – it wasn’t difficult, he’d not needed any convincing, all dirk had to do was thrust the form under his nose, pen in hand and a flat look upon his face: stiff, clunky, the way he only ever is with his father anymore.

the man looks up from the book between his palms, his sharp nose striking, his slanted eyes lifting towards his son. there is a crease between his brows as he pulls the paper from the young boy’s hands, eyes over ink before he asks what this is.

“it’s a permission form.” he sounds nervous. he hates it. “for hogsmeade.” he says, “you’re supposed to sign it.”

and the man signs it. just like that, he reads the paper and he signs it – he hangs on to it for a moment before giving it back. there is something there, something he wants to say, but his father was never good with words and so he says nothing. dirk is pathetically grateful – he never seems to say the right thing when his dad is involved, either.

dirk takes the paper and shifts his weight between his feet and isn’t sure if he should just leave – there is something there he wants to say, as well, but he can’t quite grasp the words and so he mulls about for a moment more, shifting the paper in his hand, before he nods a quick ‘thank you’ and scurries away.

he stuffs the paper in his pocket as he walks away. he stuffs his guilt down too, and tries not to think about it – he’d been avoiding his dad all summer, had only spoken to him now when he needed something, and not for the first time he wonders how it’s gotten this bad. he wonders when it’s gotten so tense between them they can’t share more than a few words before something made someone snap. he wonders what made it so, what caused this wide, gaping chasm to stretch between them – but he can’t think about that without thinking about emptied rooms and funeral marches, so he shakes his head quickly and bursts into Sal’s room.

They have much planned for the rest of the day, and there’s only so much of summer left for them to enjoy.

#Accepted App

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13 Ways Working Moms Can Balance Work and Family (And Be Happy)

Working moms have it tough. Being committed fully to work and family is an impossible task that working moms have to take on. It can be exhausting and thankless, being perceived as not fully present as an employee or a mother. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

It is possible to pursue a fulfilling full-time career while taking an active role as a mother, if you learn to find a balance that works for your life.

These tips will help working moms to make juggling the two sides a little bit easier.

1. Let go of the mom guilt

Mothers are so often judged for “abandoning” their children when returning to work full-time, while fathers are expected to go to work to “provide” for the family. Why is this sexist stereotype still so present in our seemingly progressive society?

Some women don’t have the option of being a stay-at-home mom, while others choose to go back to work because they don’t want to give up their career. Whatever the reason, deciding to be a working mom is a choice that should be admired, not judged or shamed. If you are feeling guilty about not being with your child all the time, it’s time to let it go.

Focus on the positive things that your work life is contributing to your family. Be confident that you are making the best choice for your whole family, including yourself, and your child will feel the extent of your love and understand your sacrifice.

2. Use time saving hacks

To get the most done in the least amount of time, use shortcuts and plan strategically.

Order your groceries online and use curbside pick-up or have them delivered to your house; this saves time AND ensures that you don’t forget anything.

Schedule conference calls during your commute and get quick errands done during your lunch break to free up more time during the week.

Prepare outfits and lunches the night before so that you can enjoy your morning instead of rushing to get out the door on time.

3. Find childcare providers that you trust

Knowing that your child is cared for is crucial to having peace of mind when you are at work. Find a daycare, nanny, or someone you know that you trust with your child.

A quality daycare should have flexible hours, a low teacher-to-child ratio, a clean and spacious environment, and up to date licenses.

For nannies, look for one with extensive experience and great references. Have at least one trial day to observe if it is a good fit and make all of your expectations clear from the get-go. If possible, keep constant contact throughout the day and ask for updates and photos of your little one.

Here are 9 ways you can try to outsource some chores:[1]

4. Maintain open communication with your manager

Being a working mom does NOT mean you will be a a less productive employee. However, changes will definitely occur.

Mothers are typically the primary parent when a child is sick or has an appointment, and is the one responsible for picking up the child after work; so working moms often need more flexibility in their schedules. But working moms are some of the most committed employees out there! From skipping lunch breaks to working on the weekends, these women do not use their child as an excuse to slack off.

The important thing is to make sure you communicate to your manager what your needs are, as well as how you will continue to do your job well. Hopefully, your manager will be understanding and appreciate your transparency and dedication to both your family and your job.

5. Reduce distractions and time wasters

Time is such a precious commodity when you are a working mom.

At work, be mindful of the time you are spending socializing with co-workers if it is affecting your productivity. Limit long lunch breaks and surfing the internet so that you can get the most out of your work time.

When at home, focus on your partner and your child rather than your phone or the TV to ensure that the time spent together is meaningful and intentional.

Here are more ideas on how you can maximize your family time: How to Maximize Family Time? 13 Simple Ways You Can Try Immediately

6. Reconnect with your partner

The key to a happy home starts with a happy marriage. Make your marriage or relationship a priority because it will have an immense impact on everything else.

If possible, find childcare and go out on regular date nights, doing things that the two of you enjoyed doing before becoming parents. Plan something other than dinner at your usual place, like a painting class or trivia night. Have an honest conversation with your partner that doesn’t involve work or kids and really listen to what they have to say.

7. Create special and meaningful family activities

Make the time that you spend with your family really count by planning activities that everyone will look forward to and enjoy.

Organize a weekly family game night, have a picnic in the backyard, or go play mini golf. I love to take long walks with my family at nearby parks because it gives us a chance to be active and have great conversations. Ask for ideas from your older kids and let them get involved in deciding where to go too.

8. Stay organized using calendars and lists, plan ahead

The mental load that working mothers must take on is a responsibility that no one else can understand.

You are the one in charge of keeping track of doctor’s appointments, signing permission slips, bringing potluck dishes, remembering birthdays, writing cards, staying on top of of clothes and sizes, knowing what’s in the fridge and pantry, never letting the house run out of toilet paper, just to name a few.

Use planners, apps, and other resources to keep track of your never ending to-do’s and let go of some of the mental weight. For me, I add events to a shared calendar so that my husband can easily see what’s coming up and help out. I also use Google Keep as a place to make lists and take notes because it has easy to share capabilities.

Plan ahead as much as possible so that nothing is left to the last minute.

Check out this list of productivity apps that you can try: 40 Top Productivity Apps for iPhone (2018 Updated)

9. Share the housework

The burden of the housework should not fall solely on the woman’s shoulders. This is an area that is easy for your partner to help you out in, especially if you have specific tasks that only you can do (i.e. breastfeeding, putting the baby down).

If your children are older, delegate simple tasks to them so they can learn to build good habits early on and play an active role in contributing to the family. This chart is a reference for you to decide what chores to let your kids try:[2]

Another option to consider is spending money on a cleaning service. It can be hard to justify spending money on something you can do yourself, but if having an unkempt house is a major source of stress, it would be money very well spent.

10. Say yes to less

You don’t have to say yes to every single party invitation or extracurricular activity if it is causing you more anxiety than enjoyment.

Determine how much your schedule can handle and choose the activities that your child will enjoy the most. Don’t feel bad about saying no to the rest. Overbooking takes all of the fun out of the experience and leaves no time for much needed rest.

11. Lower your expectations

A lot of the pressure that moms have to cook healthy and delicious meals daily, maintain a perfectly clean house, and be the perfect parent are expectations that you put on yourself. No one else demands as much as you demand of yourself.

When you lower your expectations, you will find a lot of the unnecessary stress can be eliminated.

Your house does NOT need to be spotless every time a guest comes over, especially if the guest also has children.

Buying cookies instead of baking them yourself does NOT make you a bad mom. Home cooked meals everyday is a great goal to strive towards, but leftovers and take out will also feed your family just fine.

12. Make time for me time

Finding time for yourself is crucial in maintaining inner peace and balance within the hectic environment of work and home life.

Moms have a bad habit of putting their own needs last in order to take care of everyone else first. But if you aren’t taking care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of anyone else well?

Find the time on a regular basis and an activity that will allow you to relax and recharge. Some ideas include: meditation, yoga, exercise, reading, writing, catching up with a friend, or pampering yourself.

For me, one thing I like to do during “me time” is writing in my gratitude journal. It helps me to appreciate more, put things into perspective, and make my worries and anxieties seem less consequential.

13. Connect with other working moms

You are not alone. There are millions of working mothers who are going through the same thing you are on a daily basis.

Full-time mothers have more flexibility during the week to arrange meet-ups, but working moms can also have that same type of community.

Seek out co-workers who are also working mothers; these are women you will be able to relate to on a whole different level. Coordinate playdates and mom groups on the weekends or take walks together after work. Find moms near you using Facebook groups, Meetup, and apps like Peanut and Hello Mamas.

Laughing together, sharing stories, and finding your community will show you that you don’t have to do this all by yourself.

Best of both worlds

Can a working mom have both a successful career and a fulfilling family life?

It is absolutely possible.

It may not look exactly like how you pictured it, but don’t let that deceive you. Recognize and appreciate all of the great things you do have, and just take it one day at a time.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]^Her Full Plate: 9 WAYS TO OUTSOURCE YOUR CHORES AND SAVE TIME[2]^Your Day Your Style: Teaching Children Chores By Age, Plus Free Printable Chore Chart

The post 13 Ways Working Moms Can Balance Work and Family (And Be Happy) appeared first on Lifehack.

from Viral News HQ https://ift.tt/2Ia78rC via Viral News HQ

#IFTTT #Viral News HQ

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

Text

13 Ways Working Moms Can Balance Work and Family (And Be Happy)

It is possible to pursue a fulfilling full-time career while taking an active role as a mother, if you learn to find a balance that works for your life.

These tips will help working moms to make juggling the two sides a little bit easier.

1. Let go of the mom guilt

2. Use time saving hacks

To get the most done in the least amount of time, use shortcuts and plan strategically.

Order your groceries online and use curbside pick-up or have them delivered to your house; this saves time AND ensures that you don’t forget anything.

Schedule conference calls during your commute and get quick errands done during your lunch break to free up more time during the week.

Prepare outfits and lunches the night before so that you can enjoy your morning instead of rushing to get out the door on time.

3. Find childcare providers that you trust

Knowing that your child is cared for is crucial to having peace of mind when you are at work. Find a daycare, nanny, or someone you know that you trust with your child.

A quality daycare should have flexible hours, a low teacher-to-child ratio, a clean and spacious environment, and up to date licenses.

Here are 9 ways you can try to outsource some chores:[1]

4. Maintain open communication with your manager

Being a working mom does NOT mean you will be a a less productive employee. However, changes will definitely occur.

5. Reduce distractions and time wasters

Time is such a precious commodity when you are a working mom.

When at home, focus on your partner and your child rather than your phone or the TV to ensure that the time spent together is meaningful and intentional.

Here are more ideas on how you can maximize your family time: How to Maximize Family Time? 13 Simple Ways You Can Try Immediately

6. Reconnect with your partner

The key to a happy home starts with a happy marriage. Make your marriage or relationship a priority because it will have an immense impact on everything else.

7. Create special and meaningful family activities

Make the time that you spend with your family really count by planning activities that everyone will look forward to and enjoy.

8. Stay organized using calendars and lists, plan ahead

The mental load that working mothers must take on is a responsibility that no one else can understand.

Plan ahead as much as possible so that nothing is left to the last minute.

Check out this list of productivity apps that you can try: 40 Top Productivity Apps for iPhone (2018 Updated)

9. Share the housework

10. Say yes to less

You don’t have to say yes to every single party invitation or extracurricular activity if it is causing you more anxiety than enjoyment.

11. Lower your expectations

When you lower your expectations, you will find a lot of the unnecessary stress can be eliminated.

Your house does NOT need to be spotless every time a guest comes over, especially if the guest also has children.

12. Make time for me time

Finding time for yourself is crucial in maintaining inner peace and balance within the hectic environment of work and home life.

Moms have a bad habit of putting their own needs last in order to take care of everyone else first. But if you aren’t taking care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of anyone else well?

13. Connect with other working moms

You are not alone. There are millions of working mothers who are going through the same thing you are on a daily basis.

Full-time mothers have more flexibility during the week to arrange meet-ups, but working moms can also have that same type of community.

Laughing together, sharing stories, and finding your community will show you that you don’t have to do this all by yourself.

Best of both worlds

Can a working mom have both a successful career and a fulfilling family life?

It is absolutely possible.

It may not look exactly like how you pictured it, but don’t let that deceive you. Recognize and appreciate all of the great things you do have, and just take it one day at a time.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]^Her Full Plate: 9 WAYS TO OUTSOURCE YOUR CHORES AND SAVE TIME[2]^Your Day Your Style: Teaching Children Chores By Age, Plus Free Printable Chore Chart

The post 13 Ways Working Moms Can Balance Work and Family (And Be Happy) appeared first on Lifehack.

from Viral News HQ https://ift.tt/2Ia78rC via Viral News HQ

#IFTTT #Viral News HQ

0 notes