so my uncle died on July 4th & I've been going thru it <3

Happy new year!

I held up my end of the bargain and tried abstract themes this year. I still think I can do better, because they still feel surface level in terms of meaning. I also noticed that finishing my master's degree has allowed me to "wake up" and start adding more details as a whole. (By comparison, last year[link] had a lot of empty backgrounds lol). 

Looking at my output this year, I feel there's a sadness deeper than previous years. Even the fluffy ship drawings feel lonely. Maybe only I can see it?

Next year I want to return to complicated backgrounds, like in 2019[link]! I also learned how to animate with clip studio, so I want to try working with that. I don't plan on moving past CoD:Z (lol), though, I've heard your recommendations to expand to other communities!

Thanks for continuing to support me!

You can see my 2008-2023 progress here [link] :-)

i am feeling good today;;

Something weird twists in my gut when I see the trans community using passing/passable as a neutral or positive description instead of as an act or state of being that is situational and forced by a society that won't be safe otherwise

I'm just waking up and this is literally just early morning gut reactions so donut rebagle but it's always felt like that was a term shared between communities of color and trans communities to describe a cog in the machine of oppression.... not as a cute adjective to add to your hookup ad on fetlife

"ooohhh I'm so fuckable I don't even look like I'm part of an oppressed class" whatever girl I hope you can find a FWB in this city and that your life is beautiful and full of joy and that I'm the next seven days you get a headache that won't go away until you learn more about the history of the words you're using

UGH my sister decided to start feuding with our dad, which subsequently results in her feuding with the rest of us. She gets into this phase on and off where she gets upset that dad doesn't visit her enough. But instead of just talking to him about it like a mature adult, she sends him pissed off text messages about it. At this point, she should know that this kind of thing just makes him stop wanting to talk to her at all. My mom says that it has nothing to do with me, but I'm highly inclined to disagree. She basically started this shit because she found out that dad finally visited my new apartment for the first time and was absolutely furious. And it's like... first of all, we literally just went through a deadly pandemic that isn't even really over yet. No one was visiting anyone. Second of all, she moved out of state 25 years ago while married. She has her husband, her kids, her new son-in-law, her friends, and her mom visits her every other week. When I moved out of state, it was just after the aforementioned deadly pandemic was underway. I'm alone out here, no family, no friends, can't even see coworkers at the office. My mom visits me (or I visit them) maybe every other month. But God fucking forbid that father come to see me before he sees her this summer. Jail for father. Jail for 1000 years.

I hate.....understanding intellectually that I can’t fix every problem everyone has, and that for many problems the best thing for me to do is “nothing” or at least “nothing more than I’ve already done”, while also not understanding this at ALL on an emotional level and getting intense adrenaline rushes whenever someone has a minor problem that I have no power to fix

Its a bit late but I just wanted to brag on my partner bc he makes me smile every damn day and getting engaged has made me so happy. I've never EVER felt so safe with someone. Safe to be myself, safe to speak my mind, safe to be heard and cared about and to be vulnerable and goofy and bossy and I wouldn't have felt safe to explore my gender without your support, love. We will continue to support each other and grow together and get SO gay married.

Ugh

Another day another psychotic episode

Magica: Tell me where you bought that ice cream, you brat... Dugan: You don’t scare me, lady!  Fethry: D-Dugan! 

[[ • Dugan knows no fear and I hope that something like this happens fljdkdfkls

i found out some pretty harrowing things about myself early june through someone incredibly trustworthy, who’s known me my whole life. what a terrible way to spend turning 22, weeping about memories i don’t even have the ability to recall myself, and weeping for someone long gone who’s cries for help went unheard.

I Am So Tired Of My Identity Being Treated Like A Joke

  ❛     it was strange     ,      the seelie court     ,     whimsical almost     .     sometime i got the distinct feeling of being hunted even as the people there offered me wine    .      ❜   //  seelie fae   (     1    /    ?    ) donut rebagle

oof that big depression is hittin me hard lads

Its real petty of me but part of the reason i want to be huge is hitting people who think physically threatning me is funny

at this point i immediately get hostile if someone tells me i need to think in a certain political framework regardless of what that framework is

it’s gotten to the point where i want to avoid stuff put out by people from certain demographics even if it’s entirely apolitical because i am afraid they will tell me i am not allowed to think for myself

ex-cult blues and privilege are a hell of a combination

I fucked up.

“What did you think you were going to accomplish by apologizing?”

I thought I was going to accomplish apologizing. That’s it. It’s what you do when you’ve fucked up and hurt someone. I fucked up and hurt someone, so I apologized.

I’ve now blocked the person in question because they’ve told me not to interact and I don’t want to inadvertently inflict my presence on them in the future. I’m not going to name them, and if you’ve figured out who they are, leave them the fuck alone. They don’t want to hear from me. Respect that.

If the Big Hurt Post they made already included a DNI instruction, I’ve also fucked up by choosing not to read the Big Hurt Post after realizing it was a Big Hurt Post and not directed solely at me. I’m not going to talk about my reasons for categorically avoiding reading Big Hurt Posts in full. Any explanation I give for that avoidance is going to make me sound like a self-pitying hypocrite, which I might be.

I am not making this post in self-flagellation, nor in the hopes of being given reassurance or improving my reputation. I’m making this post in part to get it off my chest, but also to own up to my mistakes, hold myself accountable, and work harder not to make this kind of fuck up in the future. Moral goodness is an action, not a state of being, and my action failed to be a moral good.