stupidlittlejournalentries
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the Salem storyline in Sabrina the teenage witch is so so good bc like the wizard supreme court or whatever is like 'this man is the most dangerous war criminal in history. he has tried to commit genocide and become a dictator in many different dimensions. we can't give him the death penalty bc he used dark ancient magic to make himself immortal so we've trapped him in the body of a feline for eternal torture. it is the Spellman's duty to hold him prisoner for us'. and then the Spellman's are just like kitty,,,...........we're gonna get him a special pillow to sit on and buy him funny little outfits and cuddle with him while we sleep. he's the glue holding this family together we love him so much
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Kinda crazy how my first cellphone didn't have a camera or internet and 17 years later this thing knows more about me than I do and gives people brand new mental ilnesses.
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Let me be clear.
I do not think I’m brave. By all accounts I would consider myself a coward.
But by the gods I am so glad I never gave up.
When I looked over the precipice of what comes after all this I was never brave enough to take the final leap.
And thank the gods for that. Thank anyone and everyone up there looking after me.
Thank the gods I am not brave because now I get to be here.
And how beautiful here is.
#diary#personal#stupidlittlejournalentries#just grateful to be alive#if you’re reading this I’m glad you’re here#you’ve got this#if you can’t love yourself right now I’ll love you for you
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Sometimes you just
Stand at the sink of the company bathroom
And you pray to God and you ask while you look at yourself through blurry eyes
Why
Why the fuck He couldn’t make you normal
And why the fuck the one person who says he loves that about you
Just doesn’t love you quite enough
And sometimes you wish you had the guts to just end it
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June 3rd, 2020
Something tells me even if he knew how shit I am right now he wouldn’t really care. And I can’t shake it. There was a while after he broke my heart that I wanted him to hurt. I imagine it’s the same for him now. Or he’s actually a good person and I’m just fucked up.
I ended up sleeping today thank god. Woke up this morning at 10 stayed up for an hour and then slept til 4. So I haven’t done much thinking or feeling. Maybe when my hormones are back in order I’ll be fine. I keep telling myself to be strong. To be stronger than my feelings but it’s more for him than it is for me. Or it’s because if I cave and text him he’ll prouder more upset with me. He gave me my space when I needed it. I have to do the same.
I haven’t showered in days.
Long hair doesn’t suit me.
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June 3rd, 2020
Couldn’t sleep last night. I know I’m only emotional/ depressed because my period (which I am so gonna skip) but it doesn’t help. All day all I wanted to do was sleep and last night I could t. I stopped being upset around 12 but it didn’t mean anything. I just wasn’t tired. So I stayed up and watched the lightning. It was nice. It’s supposed to come back this afternoon. I’d sleep all day if I could. But I literally cannot. Can it please be Sunday? I’m not even looking forward to Friday anymore. He probably never wants to see me again. A block and an unfollow are two different things, huh? I just don’t get it. I really don’t.
I just want to sleep I want to not be upset. Last week was fine. He literally blocked me. Blocked me. Not unfollowed. He doesn’t want to see me and doesn’t want me to see him.
So why are going to meet up?
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June 2nd, 2020
Ok I’m good now. Megan and I are meeting Thursday and are probably gonna go do some sidewalk chalking. I’m kind of back in a lull where I have nothing to do. Tumblr and Insta are dead and I can’t make it to the protest tonight. I’m glad I got to go out to support yesterday.
Lmao my eyes are still super dilated from my appointment. My glasses are fine but because I now only have astigmatism in one eye they need to up my prescription overall. My eyes are too dilated right now to try the new prescription though.
Anyway when Jesse and I talk I don’t know what I’m gonna say. Like if I text him Friday after therapy what do I say? Hey sorry I fucked up? That’s sure as shit not good enough. Hey how are you doing? Better but he’s probably doing bad because of me. Hey when do you think we can meet up? Forward, to the point, completely insensitive. I’d be the one breaking his need for space. But like... I need a date/time. And I do wanna know if he’s okay. Can it please just be Friday or Sunday already? The one time I need good weather.
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June 2nd, 2020
If I could wake up and have it be Friday or Sunday that’d be great. I might text him Friday night. I’m just trying to keep it together. But I’m right back to being miserable. It’s driving me crazy. I just want to sleep. All day. All week. There’s nothing else to do. I don’t want to be conscious, feeling miserable. I’m trying to respect his space. I’m hoping he’s feeling better. But not knowing is driving me up a wall.
I’ve got an eye appointment at 1:30. I gotta get out of this funk. Sitting in it isn’t helping.
Anyway I went to a protest yesterday. It was great to share a voice, to stand up for what’s right. I can’t even think about it right now.
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June 1st 2020
GUESS WHO GOT BLOCKED ON INSTAGRAM!! For fucks sake I just want to fix this! Instead I’m up pissed and crying wondering if I even want to see him. He probably blocked my texts too! Look if he doesn’t text me by this Sunday afternoon I’m texting him. God I’m just so fucking pissed. Again. A few hours ago I’d’ve jumped into his arms upon seeing him, and now? Ha!
Why do I keep doing this? When it makes me so miserable? When I’m up all night crying? Why? Again and again? He’s gonna see me and he’s gonna say he’s done I know it. I just want to fix it.
Why the fuck is this making me so sad? God. Fuck me I can’t keep doing this but I do. I do over and over and I just keep getting hurt and you’d think I’d fucking learn.
Fuck me. It’s gonna be a long fucking week. I just want to go to sleep. Run into the woods and never come back. Or go to sleep.
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June 1st, 2020
Good morning! I slept until 4 yesterday! Mostly because of Buzzfeed Unsolved. I still don’t really know how I feel about everything with Jesse. Sometimes I feel like I’m in love again (with no right to be) and sometimes I don’t really feel anything. But then I listen to I’m Still Breathing (Green Day) and I remember we’re both broken. God I’m a mess. Hopefully we’ll meet this weekend.
This week is at least gonna be busy god bless. Cleaned my fish tank today, eye appointment tomorrow, meeting with Megan Wednesday or Thursday and Friday is my urologist follow up (and therapy).
I really hope he’s doing well right now. And if he’s happier without me in his life then I’ll go. I just gotta figure that out for myself too. I guess right now I could go either way. But seeing him in person will probably sway me towards staying friends. I think I’m more in the mood to ruin our friendship if you know what I mean (Jenny- Studio Killers). Because if he holds me like he used to I know I’ll be in it. If he kisses me...
I hate being an optimist because there’s no way he has feelings for me after everything. I don’t even know if I do. I just wanted to be the one who proves all the horrible things he thinks about himself wrong. I think I ended up just making them seem right.
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May 30th, 2020
Therapy was awesome! I actually loved it! I was in a bad mood and then we had therapy and I did a complete 180! She’s young and she’s really sweet! We talked about her approach to therapy and how she tailors it to each person (were starting with psychodynamic and maybe eventually getting to CBT). She was seriously awesome! There aren’t even words. We set goals, she talked about my strengths, I told her what I’m having issues with- it was lovely.
I honestly talked about things with Jesse most of the time, just because that’s what’s made me realize I need to get my shit in order and it’s been on my mind. But I feel great! Can’t wait to fix things with that dumbass, and fix myself with my therapist!
I really feel amazing. Wow.
#diary#journal#personal#stupidlittlejournalentries#i feel great#the weather is so nice today too#therapy#wow
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May 29th, 2020
Therapy in 2 hours. I’m not in the happiest of moods. You know those days where any little thing will tick you off? It’s like that. No real reason- period might be coming up. Oh though the therapy place wants to charge me 20 bucks just for the five minute phone call we had where I asked how much they’d cost, and get this they sent me that invoice today but it was due yesterday. So that’s fun.
And there’s a wasp in the bathroom. So that’s started back up again. Yesterday I was depressed and now I’m pissed. And honestly? Most of the time I know why. Why I’m sad or losers or whatever. Might not be completely honest to others about it but I always know why. This? No idea. I just know I’m not I. The mood. Great way to go into my first session, right?
The comic is coming along. It takes longer than I’d like though. Sketching, drawing, coloring, shading. Pain in the ass.
Not in a great mood. The question is when am I gonna burst. I control my emotions they don’t control me. But am I not allowed to feel anything? Feelings are valid, acting on them maybe not so much. Doesn’t feel fair that other people get to.
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May 28th, 2020
The worst is the not knowing. Does he hate me? Is he thinking about me at all? He should hate me. Why can’t I just be a normal person? Why can’t I be someone that’s loveable? I’m just broken and fucked up and no ones ever gonna love me. I’m just a fuck up.
I need to know so bad. I need to apologize. I need to stand my ground too. I need him to help me fix this. I need to start fixing myself. I need a day. I need to know when we’re going to meet. I need to respect his space. GOD I just need to KNOW.
If he’s hurting because of me I need to fix it (funny how it never feels like it works the other way around). I need a real apology. For what? The shitty apologies I’ve already gotten? GOD I’m such a fuck up. I just- I don’t know. We should still talk. I just want to know when.
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May 28th, 2020
Therapy tomorrow! I slept all day yesterday. I was just tired and a little sick. Weird dreams. I was awake for like, three hours from 3:30-6:30. My chest is a little tight. I’m still tired. I just want to be held. There’s nothing to do.
I should be more excited for therapy but I’m not. I want to go back to bed. Why am I so tired? Other than not taking my meds last night. Everything just feels so pointless.
I hope Jesse is our there healing. I hope he isn’t thinking about me and is just focusing on himself.
I’m so tired.
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