So someone apparently put myself as an author and Aversion in Partnership as a book up on Goodreads.

Just asking, please don't fucking do that.

I'm working on getting it taken down now but I never wanted it up there in the first place.

Spring Cleaning?

Hey guys!

I realised I don't really want these stories associated with the hockey RPF I also had on my ao3 and vice versa, so I made a second ao3 and made that as a co-creator. It is still under the same name, starburst_sunbeam, but I've changed the name on my original ao3 to go with my hockey stuff, so it's now stanleys_mug. If you subscribed to me on ao3 under the original, I'm just letting you know that's me!

I may remove my original account as a co-creator, I'm not sure. I chose to do it this way instead of the other way around (creating a new ao3 for my hockey rpf stuff) because bookmarks are harder to transfer to a new account, and I have about 700 of them pfft.

I am firmly against the deletion of fics, and ao3 is an archive, so I have no intention of deleting AiP at this time, and likely never will, even if I'm not that proud of it anymore. 😅 Links: Hockey AO3 (original, now renamed) AiP AO3 (newly made, under the old handle)

Something that’s been on my mind

Hi! So I haven’t been on this blog in a long, long time, but there’s something that’s been on my mind lately in relation to AiP that I’ve been thinking about, and whether or not anyone reads this, I kind of want to get it out.

So if you’ve been following this blog, you may know that historically, christmas-new years has not been a great time of year for me. My first ex in uni, who I’d been with for over a year, broke up with me shortly before christmas, and got together with someone else I thought was a mutual friend of ours at a New Years party. This was devastating for me and had a long term impact on my mental health. Every year around this same time of year I tend to dip emotionally.

With that context, around two years ago I was going through AiP’s comments and bookmarks on AO3 for things to cheer me up and remind me I had touched stranger’s lives even if they didn’t know me. And I discovered a bookmark that had been made recently at the beginning of January, one with a very long description, and I got excited at such detailed thoughts.

And the bookmarker was... not nice. I don’t mean outright mean, not at all, but a lot of the comments were things that really hurt my feelings. I know that the setting makes little sense, because I am from Canada and kept waffling between setting the story in Canada or the USA, and I only have knowledge of the USA school system from entertainment media. I know Peter runs hot and cold and a lot of the fights are over-dramatised compared to what the actual argument is. I know Austin’s motivations don’t make much sense early on. I know I repeated character names, I know I picked up and dropped side plots, I know that I did things I forgot to foreshadow and seemed random and sudden. I know all that.

I started AiP in high school, simply writing it for myself and for fun. I showed it to one of my best friends I took the bus to school with, and she encouraged me to share it with another friend, and the both of them encouraged me to put it up online. Without these two friends, AiP would’ve never gone public, let alone become completed. It took me three years ultimately to finish it. I was largely done in two, but then I had a really hard time with my mental health.

By the end, I knew the beginning of the story was weak, I knew there was a lot of things I was unhappy with, but I was also exhausted. It wasn’t worth a rewrite. I’d already put so much work in, and improved a lot as a writer over the course of the story. Put quite simply, I was done. AiP’s time was over, and I just didn’t have it in me to go back and revise it the way it deserved.

When I got that bookmark, it really highlighted a lot of my insecurities in my own writing. I want to stress this was not the bookmark creator’s fault. They had every right to leave their opinions on my work in their own bookmark, for their own reference and their friend’s. Book reviews aren’t for the author, but other readers. But it also made me really angry, because here I had written 125k for free, finished it even when I was struggling, and this person was ungrateful? Wishing it had more sex in it, when I’d started writing it as a minor and didn’t feel right writing sex scenes? What did they know about me?

I was so angry I almost took the story down, because obviously this person hadn’t appreciated it. But I remembered it was not just this person who had read this story, and that many of you had checked in on me even when it seemed like I might never finish the story or update again, to make sure I was okay. You all didn’t deserve that. I know how much it hurts when a writer takes down a story or fic, and if you didn’t make a copy, it’s gone forever.

Where am I going with this? I just want everyone to remember that writers are people too. Sometimes we’re going through things behind the screen that you have no idea about. Please be kind. Please think about what you would like to hear if you were the writer and possibly going through something. I know a lot of us are consuming even more fic now we’re almost all on lockdown at home, but remember that writers are people, not algorithms you put tropes into and fic comes out.

I can tell you, personally, that at my lowest I didn’t have it in me to reply to a lot of comments on the fic or asks left in my askbox. But every single one meant something to me. Each one was a person I had touched and who my story meant something to. That was immense.

I’m doing a lot better now. I’m still not writing a lot, for a mix of reasons, but it’s not because I’m deeply depressed like I had been before. (I still have major depression and likely will for the rest of my life, but I’m learning to handle it. I don’t think I’m in the same danger of going that deep again.)

Again, my reaction to that bookmark was not the bookmarker’s fault. Please, please do not harass them or anything. This is just a plea to think about the wider reactions your actions can cause. I really would have liked if that person had locked the bookmark and made it private so I didn’t have to see it. Any comment you leave can make a huge difference. I hope this doesn’t make anyone feel that they shouldn’t comment or make them anxious. Comments are the only reason I finished AiP at all. But times are hard right now, so maybe remember to be kind?

And if you don’t hear from me for a while, don’t panic. I’m doing okay. I’m just muddling along, and probably not getting a lot of writing done. But I’m figuring things out, and I promise that every message I’ve received that was checking in on me meant a lot.

Does anybody else get legitimately worried when a fanfic author who was updating regularly just suddenly disappears with no warning? Like, is it a serious case of writers block or are they in a coma? Did they just up and quit? Was it me? Were my reviews not good enough?! Did they die 😳?! Were they kidnapped? Do I need to file a missing persons report? Excuse me officer, there’s been 13 weekly updates and now nothing for months! Find them! What’s their name?! Name!? I don’t know their name but they write 3k+ chapters and I need them safe and back in my life!

Hey guys!

I've gotten a few asks about how I've been doing and making sure I'm okay. I'm alright, my mental health has been up and down so writing is a struggle but otherwise I've been doing pretty well! I see friends weekly for D&D, I go to therapy, I'm taking anti-depressants, I'm back in school, things are going a lot better.

I would love to completely overhaul AiP as I'm not that happy with it (Especially the beginning) but I don't think I have that in me right now. But I appreciate every ask and comment even if I often don't have it in me to reply. They all mean a lot and I've read them all!

(Except for the person on Ao3 who bookmarked AiP and called Bennett an uke and Austin a seme and said the story needed more "smex". You know who you are.)

Are you doing okay?

I'm fine!

I'm sorry if I worried anyone! I've just been incredibly busy and haven't been writing very much. I've also been having some health issues, nothing serious but I've had back, shoulder and neck pain, plus a lack if energy, so I haven't felt like writing as much when I have the time.

Honestly just kind of been disorganised because I'm working about 5 days a week right now and it's wreaking havoc. Im supposed to go back to university in September and go down in shifts so I'm hopeful to get back into the swing of things then.

(shouting through megaphone)

LOUD REMINDER THAT IF U HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT MY OCs YOU CAN ASK THEM AT LITERALLY ANY TIME

Get to know my character

Reblog this so your followers can spam your ask box. Have fun! ♥

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded? 02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness? 03. What would be their favorite physical trait about themselves? 04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical) 05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type? 06. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying? 07. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)? 08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it? 09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday? 10. Is your character more feminine or masculine? 11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage? 12. Is there some particular talent, skill, or attribute that they simply could not give up? 13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker? 14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates? 15. Is there a certain person in this world that they cannot stand? The very mention of this person’s name makes them tremble with anger or fear. 16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like? 17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children? 18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode? 19. Would your character be the kind to get into fights? (physical or verbal) Would they be a good fighter or cave in rather easily? 20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures? 21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear? 22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have? 23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved? 24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like? 25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day? 26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc? 27. If your character was going to get arrested, what would be the most likely reason for it? 28. If your character became a celebrity, what would they be famous for? 29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one? 30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like? 31. Would your character be the kind capable of killing? Would they enjoy killing or only use it when necessary or, perhaps, refuse to kill no matter what? 32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do? 33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go? 34. Does your character have favorite foods? (breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, etc) 35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go? 36. Does your character have any medical conditions? Are they serious or minor? Do they affect their day to day life? 37. What are some of your character’s pet peeves? What are some things that annoy them or disgust them? 38. What kind of weather does your character like? Cloudy skies, rainy days, sunshine, etc? 39. When people look at your character, is there some assumption they might make about them just by appearance? Is that assumption correct? 40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others? 41. Does your character’s family affect your character in any way? 42. Is there anything in your character’s past that they regret, haunts them, or they wish they could change? 43. Does your character have a switch that changes aspects of their personality whether they are around friends, family, etc. Is there someone who gets to see their true self? 44. Is there a particular event that would emotionally devastate your character? 45. Is your character the kind to hide their true emotions or do they wear their heart on their sleeve?

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover? 47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along? 48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious? 49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood? 50. If your character confessed love to their crush, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc, what would they say?

Daily #1,935! If I was smart, I’d write a story that’s both.

“May I please draw your OC?”

Reblog this message if you encourage anyone that wants to draw your OC to do so.  No need to ask for permission in advance.

Go for it.  Draw my OC.  If you want, I’ll even give you reference posts.  Go to town on it.

You are welcome to draw my OC and surprise me with the result.  Seriously.  In fact, I encourage it.  I will proudly display whatever it is you submit to me regarding my OC.  There is a chance that I will squeal about it for several days.

Even if you feel you aren’t good at whatever artistic adventure it is you do, please feel free to submit it to me.  I want to see what you have done.

tag yourself

also, i want to apologize to people whose messages were ever ignored by me or took me ages to reply to. i have no excuses, i’m just shit at communicating and a lot of time get stuck in my own head, postpone replying and then either forget about it or think that it is too late to reply. i’m sorry if i’ve ever made someone feel bad bc of this - honestly, it’s never personal, it’s just me and my inner problems. i will try harder to work on it. thank you for ever initiating conversations with me

OTP Questions!

In honor of us hitting a thousand followers, here are some OTP questions!

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other?

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap?

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes?

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway?

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies?

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”?

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes?

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?”

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions?

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws?

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips?

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking?

13: Which one likes to surprise the other with a lot of small random gifts?

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own?

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside?

16: Which one gives the other their jacket?

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling?

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other?

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting?

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters?

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them?

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun?

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy?

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired?

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering?

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder?

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked?

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of?

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains?

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures?

Simon and Bram (and the rest of the gang) may be my current love but Bennett and Austin (and the rest of the academics club) were my first. I never stopped loving the Bennett and Austin.

Thank you!! I haven't seen Love Simon yet (I went to see it with a friend but the times didn't work for us for that day) but it looks really good and that is a huge compliment!I've been debating what I want to do with these guys. I want to get published some day, but this doesn't feel like quite the right story for it. Do I edit AiP anyway? Maybe make the werewolf au a novella? Write something else with the intention of publishing that? Write a sequel to this? I don't know!! But I'm really flattered that you still think of my characters and like them so much, it's a huge compliment.

stuff that feels rewarding as a fanfic author:

when your work inspires fanart/comics

when people point out a scene/particular line(s) that tugged at their heartstrings

when people ask for your meta of your work that they enjoyed so much

when someone comments on a fic you wrote 982783113502 years ago

getting recc’d

just the small happiness in knowing you made someone out there smile on their way to work/home or at school, in knowing you warmed someone’s heart somehow