I've been so ashamed of the fact that I'm me

am i allowed to have a friend? im not sure anymore. ive been emotionally alone most of my life and thinking back ive never known whats its like to have an actual friend.

this loneliness is eating me up alive everyone second of the day for years and i dont have much left of me to keep going.

i want a connection with someone...anyone

everyone keeps leaving me, i have no one. the loneliness hurts so much i dont know if i keep doing this much longer.

i just want a friend.

things havent been going so well for me lately...

its 11.20pm and im so close to having a breakdown :D

Here's to the people who weren't abused by their parents, but whose parents sucked anyways. Here's to people whose parents fucked up raising you out of ignorance and not malice. Here's to the kids whose parents didn't know what to do with you so they did nothing at all. Here's to people whose parents are getting better and growing as people but still hurt you. Here's to every mean comment that wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't come from your mom; here's to awkward family dinners because you're all trying to forget;

here's to you, survivor of a thousand 'not as bad as it could have been' hurts. I see you. You aren't alone.

i feel like im loosing my mind

[rant]

i swear my family dont care about my wellbeing that much.

ive told them multiple times that strong smells gives me headaches, they know this at yet they continue to burn scented candles or burn secent wax...

if this was me burning the scented items and a family member told me to turn it off cause it was giving then a headache i would no longer be burning scented things after the first time. is that selfish of me?

ive had this headache for a week now, nothing i do is helping and my sister decided it was a good time [9:50pm] to burn one of those scented wax she has which has now made my headache particularly unbearable.

I self sabotaged a lot more than I should then I get all sad and depressed about having no one

i wasn’t built for human connection im supposed to die alone in my room.

the way everyone carries on with their day as if their comment didnt just smack me and almost sent me to relapse my SH after years of being clean

looks like its time to distance myself and stop speaking again <3

i fucked up. im so embarrassed.

i want to relapse but i've been clean for so long.

im sorry, this is all my fault...i didnt mean for it to get this bad.

im a disgusting human being.