🎃Cozy Autumn Blog👻

IMPOSTER SYNDROME

I accepted my full time offer to KPMG and it feels great to have an offer on hand (some people dont even have offers), but it feels a little bad that I am only being paid that amount. It is still okay but I see my other friends making way more and maybe i am overestimating my talent or underestimating theirs, but I feel like I have the capability of doing just as well as them. But then I bomb these interviews since Im not studying properly and I just feel tired and it makes me wonder if kpmg is actually paying me adequately at  my low ass pay grade. 

So dissapointed in myself today for not even getting 3/5 of the problems on the coding challenge today. I was a bit overconfident and now im sad. 

why do i feel like whenever im stressed, my memory just goes to shit...

am i really just better off as a business person and not a tech person?

the imposter syndrome is so strong and its really hard to fight it like you fight the darkness at night. like whatever i do i have my doubts, whenever i talk to the smart ass people at school I have my doubts, sometimes words come out of my mouth incomprehensible and I hate myself for being so unattentive and unintelligent sometimes. 

I feel like ive come so far but i am still so far away. There are not enough hours in the day study and learn what I need to know. I need to discover motivation within me to do stuff. I want to stop just relying on coffee and just do stuff and learn new things because i want to. What happened to young me wantting to digest and absorb everything. I feel like im a brick and im inpenetrable. Im not growing. 

Why is it that overtime the things you love, you just stop loving them

I am literally getting drowned in work and sometimes it feels like I have no room and I can’t breathe

But tough times will pass and I’ll come out stronger, smarter, and hopefully a bit more wise :)

2/6

School has just started again and I thought I was completely screwed for the semester but turns out the material, while challenging, is very interesting and I think I am gonna be okay :) 2019 is the year where I try to find balance in all aspects of my life...from friendships, health, and also the relationship I’m currently in.

For starters, I got back into Yoga! I’m really trying to cultivate my strength slowly and then eventually who knows, I’ll be doing those sick positions that look near impossible right now! By doing it everyday, I find myself growing more flexible each and every day. The body is a beautiful and mysterious thing. I’m learning to love my body and it’s capabilities more each and every day.

I realize that school maybe isn’t so bad after VC came to live with me for a few weeks at the start of the semester. VC you are the sweetest, kindest, and most selfless person I know. You’re the one who stays up and waits for me to finish my work so you can say ‘sweet dreams’ to me. You make me food, give me kisses, go with me to citipups for the 12638197th time, and support me through one of the most challenging parts of my academic career. I feel like I don’t often say enough or do enough to show you that I truly appreciate all that you do for me. Every day I just want to hold you and pour out my soul to you. You ignite this passion and fire in me to love passionately, whether that’s toward you but also toward myself. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this independent, yet so supported and loving toward another person. I don’t think this is young Michelle all up in her feels...I think this is the real thing. It feels too real to be fake or short lived. When we’re away from each other, we have so much opportunity to grow. I can’t wait to see how much you’ve grown since the last time I saw you (technically a week lolz). There is so much I wanna say...so much I look forward to with us and our futures. The main things are...edclv woottt, graduating from Columbia and maybe potentially heading back to nova and spend some more quality time with you, other traveling and rave shenanigans, and seeing you soon :)

1/24

School semester is starting up and starting to get my sleeping schedule together! Trying to be extra productive during the rainy downpour today before my night classes. Hi Jupyter notebook! 👋

Accompanying me today are my gudetama fidget toys from a McDonald’s kids meal and these cute coasters with famous Claude Monet paintings on them. I think my favorite is the ‘The Parc Monceau’ -1878, which I’m using rn under some lemon ginseng tea I’m trying out.

Semester is gonna be tough but Im gonna try hard to balance all parts of my life and kill it this semester :)

@thefuturekept

Best snowman ever! ;) ⛄

🙌🏻🙌🏻 can’t wait for all the fluffy snowy wonderfulness this year 🥰

Raise your hand if being outside makes you this happy. l 📷: IG user mountain_mer

Be happy for people. Especially the ones you love. No one is taking what is yours, whatever they have is theirs. The things that are meant for you, find you. Work to find them by all means. But jealousy will never bring you something that isn’t meant for you, nothing will x

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.”

— Sophia Bush (via syntacked)

☾ zoë isabella poetry

Looks so relaxing ☺️

x adventure blog x

Beautifully said ☺️

Such a small detail. And one we even bonded over. A symbol that despite how small or miniscule it may be, today will always be an awesome day with you, when try to find and decide to focus on what’s best for ourselves and the relationship. I choose to see the best in everyday, because I know that when Im with you, it comes easy to focus on all that is beautiful about you.

12/24

I’ve always searched for that certain someone that checked off all boxes and if that person didn’t then I’d usually leave. Why try to force satisfaction when it just wasn’t going to happen?

Then he comes along and I see perfection in the face of his imperfections. I love spending quality time with him - I get so much joy out of it and yet I can still retain a piece of myself for myself. He’s unlike anybody I’ve ever met. And his eyes just make me melt 🤤

But, I almost left today after what happened tonight. Why? Because I felt entitled to date someone who had it all figured out. I don’t want to have to change someone because from past experiences, you can’t...it’s a lost cause :| But realistically how many ppl our age have it figured out? Very few. I was ready to walk out but something just didn’t seem right. I wanted to give us another chance. Maybe I am stupid for staying but I feel like out of all the chances I’ve given out to previous guys I’ve dated, I am definitely more confident (and also extremely nervous) this time around.

How many people have it figured out? How many people Michelle have made your heart sing like he does? You do the math.

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Tonight was the first time I’ve cried in a long time over a relationship. It’s been over a year. This time it was happy tears ☺️

VC I believe in you and us and I’m going to try to be the patient and compassionate partner you deserve :)