I moved to a different place again.

I hugged my cat to sleep 2 nights ago. Now I am hugging my bag to sleep or trying to.

It's my second sleepless night in a new place and there's more to come.

I miss my cat.

I moved all those luggages by myself 2 days ago. They were heavy. I am not that strong physically. Lost 17kgs suddenly in 3/4 months. After that I became a weak chicken. It was difficult carrying more like dragging them out from the 7th floor. The building got no lift so I dragged them down the staircase.

After I reached my destination the new homeowner told me to clean up the room which the previous boarder didn't clean up and left a mess. Cleaned that up and the next day she asked me to buy necessary supplies for the common bathroom out of my own pocket. I bought everything and am planning to take all those things when I leave this place someday.

Shopping is a difficult thing to do. I hate shopping.

I usually have a low energy level. I tended to shut myself in my room in darkness so I can recharge. Now I am trying to recharge but unable to.

My whole body hurts. It hurt a lot while I was dragging those heavy luggages but I kept telling myself to take one more step. Every step felt like I am about to collapse. I hadn't so I have not reached my limit yet.

Muscle pain it is, a bad headache and insomnia on top of that. I need my cat.

I feel like collapsing but I am unable to even do that. It might be agony. I would like to just pass out and sleep 2 days straight. I have eaten 5 pcs of chicken and water. That's all I had in two days. I am not hungry yet. It's like I can still go on.

I can be quite resilient at times. I don't usually collapse. But last time I collapsed it was bad. I fell into a dugout hole during rain. The water reached my throat level and I was just standing there and blanked out. I didn't ask for help although I knew I won't be able to climb up without help. It simply was too empty to call out for help. Everything felt empty. Emptier than I was used to.

I could hear people screaming someone fell. It sounded so far away. Almost like a hallucination. They pulled me out and left me to my devices. I went to washroom and cleaned up like a robot and sat in the washroom till afternoon. Missed all my lectures that day. It was so very empty a day.

I tried to fit in so hard. But after a year and half I was as always sitting there alone. Nobody talked to me. Nobody noticed if I was there or not.

I am planning to be a better person. Trying to be on the bright side.

It's just everything feels so blinding that all I see is the darkness...

I love putting things together. Specially colorful things... And sometimes writing lil nonsense stories.. Here is it.. Made it in Canva... (Main version is a gif but can't upload over 10mb. It's a pity...)

NONSENSE STORY : Part 1

There lived a gnome in a tiny house in the clouds. There was a small pond with glowing translucent fishes who lived inside. The gnome's pet cat Yupaw wanted fish. So he asked his lil dragon to cook a fish feast for his cat. Lil Drago prepared spices started a fire and the cooking pot was ready.. Alas they couldn't cat a fish... Yup not even a single one..

They are searching for fishing rods as they don't have any..

Dad is probably angry. He let my strictly indoor cat run outside. He might get lost outside and never come back. He might get run over by a car. I'd never see him again. He is a picky eater who'll give him food that he likes.

Dad often tells me I am being too much and my cat is an unnecessary addition. There are 5 cats in the house right now. Dad brought the first one. She was tiny around 4 days old. He rescued the kitten brought is home and he was done. I bought bottles, learned to make replacement food for the kitten and the bought KMR with my own savings. I took care of a 4days old kitten feeding her every 2 hours for 24 hours round the clock. Fed her, help her pee, hot water bags. Every 2 hours. She was weak a terribly weak kitten. Nobody thought she'd survive.

My dad brought my Grandma home and asked me to share my room with her because my grandma needs someone to keep an eye on her. 96 years old is pretty old. I was stuck between a 2 weeks old kitten and a 96 year old grandma.

I would run to the kitten whenever she meowed. At two weeks old she didn't grow enough fur like a healthy kitten would.

My grandma is a weird person she'd ask for my help even when she needs to walk to the washroom while she could actually go by herself. I'd always keep an eye whenever she went to washroom anyway. She would not get up to eat she wants to eat lying down. I helped her everytime to get up and eat while sitting. Then one day I saw she simply got up by herself and went to washroom then came back and lie down again. She was fast and swift. And here I thought it's difficult for her to move by herself so I needed to be her walking stick. She never used one btw. Then I got in the room with her food and as usual she refused to sit up and eat. I was dumbfounded. If you can move that fast and efficient why would you not sit up and eat?

And there was the thing she did. Every half an hour she would ask me to switch on/off the fan. Sometimes every 10/15 mins. Even if I was taking a nap (I barely slept for around 3/4 hours a day while taking care of the kitten my dad brought and grandma). I was sleep deprived. Well I do have insomnia but that doesn't mean I need no sleep. My eyes and head hurt every single day. I kept up for 2 months like this.

During these two months my dad was very amiable with me. He actually gave me 45$ after that two hellish months saying I earned it. Which I ended up spending behind the cat he brought. Cats are costly. Not for my dad but for me a recent graduate with part-time online job and loads of failed interviews.

The only positive thing my grandma every said to me that I was taller than her. She also often speak about how my hair is short how I am not girly enough how I am too tall to find a good husband

how my skin color isn't bright enough

Now a days I don't care about her much. I left my room to her. Moved inside the storeroom. Shut the door turn off the light put on my earphones. Finally it's peaceful.

I am preparing for a job interview again. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time. And the male cat I adopted so my dad's cat (which I took care of) wouldn't develop a single kitten symptom.. I just hope my dad won't drive him away.

It's not that unlikely for dad to drive my cat away. He wants me gone as well after all. We are both unwanted. I wish I could function like everyone else does. I'd have been easier to secure a job.

Just now I almost set the house on fire. I was sleeping..usually a very light sleeper but occasionally when the sleep is deeper I can't seem to wake up when someone says something I can hear but can't tell whether it's real or not. My mom warned me before going to work. She asked me to feed the cat that's what I heard. Then the next thing I know is my dad cursing and trying to put out the fire. I reacted as I do usually exclaimed and asked if I should get water and call fire service. The fire was high and it looked like the whole house might catch fire. My mom asked me to finish the item she was cooking before she left. Me asleep didn't process it properly then this happened. Abba started cursing so as I do I tried to get away and people usually hold their heads when they are upset or cry. The only thing I felt was suffocation and slight pain in my chest area which is also almost gone by now. So I held my head with both of my hands and my dad saw and told me he knows that it's all fake. He knows that I am acting.

I haven't spoken to my dad properly for quite some time. I used to be very close to him. He is a creature of emotion who easily laughs cries and gets angry. I am walking tiptoes around him. I could never tell what he is going to do next. He is like a dice to me. It can be a six or a three I never can guess.

My mom often asks me why am I so slow to take in things that are so simple. I have heard similar things all my life from other people but never took it seriously. My mom and my family is the only exception. I was a 9th grader in high school was the time she first asked me "Are you an Autistic?" It has never caught my mind that I might be one. Then today my dad is telling me that it's all fake. I am too fake and he knows it. I have heard similar things from people outside as well.

I researched about Alexithemia when my sister one day had to sleepover and we were talking for quite some time. She was speaking about how her university life was and how she feels about her life. Then when we stumbled upon a topic and we started discussing how emotional state can bring physical pain. She was skeptical at first I guess then she asked me what happiness is to me. I just said honestly Happiness is "warm" very similar to sunbathing during the winter morning the way the skin warms up. That's how happiness is. It's also like a warm coffee mug and cat's snuggle. That's how I perceived happiness. She said that there is so much more to it than just this and said I was just stating things that makes me happy not describing how I feel when I am happy. I couldn't explain. I could give her quite some more examples of what makes me happy. But I couldn't answer "How do I feel when I am happy?" I still can't.

I feel pain in my chest and usually on the left side of my body when I feel anything negative. The smoke is gone by now but the suffocation still did not. My shoulders hurt my chest hurts a lil bit but that's all I got right now. After I almost killed my whole family and my cats.

I feel less of a human as everyday passes by. I don't have any friends or people who I can talk to except for my family. And I am losing them as well. I think I might cry. But I am not sure yet.

School was a nightmare which I often got to experience while wide awake. Pre-school was made up of bullies, teachers' heavy judgemental gazes and being ignored was counted as a blessing. Trouble with communicating with children my age, getting bullied because of that, unable to show and complain to teachers or parents the knee scraps, bruises and pained feet's from running. When they noticed I got branded as the troublemaker. A class full of children saying I am at fault vs the me who couldn't utter a word in front of that many people otherwise simply lacking the language skill to explain what really happened.

I was a quiet child. I didn't annoy my parents never hit back while facing aggressions.

~It was a very invisible childhood. Glad that I don't need to go to school anymore.

~Schools are such noisy, overpopulated prisons.

Became the left out one in my workplace due to the same reason. Tried really hard to make everything perfect. Everything was good and then suddenly one day there was sudden continuous noise I can't properly remember how it sounded it was just too loud and grating and I collapsed went into a panic attack found a dark and quite place and stayed there until I could function normally. It was never the same at work anymore after that.