(slight rant)

STPD culture is being unable to debate anything, because the second you try to express an idea the words never sound right and the sentence doesn't make sense, even though it's perfectly structured in your mind. 😡

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npd culture is seeing someone say their favorite band is your favorite band and getting pissed off because, fuck off, thats My favorite band. i listen to them better than you. i always have, i always will.

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At the poibt where if i commit a self care i partislly regress

The skk trans hc where they both came out & transitioned after dazai defected has a CHOKEHOLD on me. its so jekajsldnfkfb dies

Anyhow those are just instances that have stuck out to me since yesterday because I'm a little nervous things are picking up speed- I'm nervous because between me and fp I've always been the one to say sappy things and eel always retorted with like. threatening me! and i thought it was silly so i didnt mind and i knew vey loved me back but then vey started saying sweet things too and i remembered i cant wrap my head around that- it simaltanously makes the abandonment issues better and worse-

because they care for me! so theyre less likely to leave me and thats reassuring but oh god! i care for *them* which means in the off chance they DID leave me i would be absolutely destroyed. it would feel like losing a part of myself. i have nine people that i could consider MY people. i dont want to because that sounds awfully objectifying and im scared of hurting them, but i do see a kind of love in a person being /yours/ you know? i just dont know if its fair to expect that of them when i cant choose my favorites between them. my best friends and my siblings are all chosen family. in different ways sure, but they're all people that make my insides melty and dismissing the impact ANY of them have had on my life is a no go.

god i love them. just thinking about any of them makes me smile i love them i love them hhhh

Sappy/more intimate things my found family has said/done recently:

-Told me they'd share any of their books with me if I asked

-Told me I'm their favorite person

-Told me they wanted to fall asleep on my shoulder

-Took my beanie (but in a silly way, I can't really explain it)

-Keeps drawing me things

-Told me they were having a good night because I was talking to them

suspected bpd culture is “oh, wow, he messaged them but not me? he must actually hate me then!”

-🤍🖤

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I need to be your favorite or else that means you hate me

And again I'm on the ground in the dark in my bathroom having a panic attack. This is the closest thing I have to a religion, this kind of suffering. Everytime thid happens I'm in so much pain that I have a meltdown and I lose all my self control and relapse (not in a way that matters, there's never blood anyways) and I sit on the floor and sometimes the lights are too much, sometimes the noise of the fan is too much, but everytime I'm in so much pain and end up raking something up and down my limbs to distract myself from the feeling of my organs being shredded inside of me and every time I end up leaving the bathroom an hour later and the pain is gone.

How does it do that? How does something so god awful and all consuming to the point I cant control my actions, just enter and leave my body? How do I always recover? I cry and every time I think that this is the worst pain ive ever experienced and it will kill me and then its just gone. Idk if it makes sense but This is much more real to me than any god could ever be.

Anyways I'm moving out next year and I'm going to have to leave my dirty, spider-infested bathroom behind yet still this will live on in my mind forever. And this is not as poetic as Id like it to be but im on the tail end of a breakdown and I dont have it in me to make this pretty. Its pretty enough to me i guess and thats what really matters. Anywho I should probably start taking painkillers earlier in the day to prevent this but eh

where is the option for all of them /hj

egotypicals will get upset pwnpd often have superiority complexes, but will go around talking about us as if we’re subhuman monsters, implying they see us as below them and are superior? ok girl

“it all starts with not wanting to get out of bed, that’s how you know you’re getting bad again”

— everything was okay for a while (via perrfectly)

I'm over here minding my business and all of a sudden i get this strange feeling i am a symptom holder for yet another disprdwr and i cant explainnit but it felt like i had an unread message in inbox so. I metaphorically go to read it and im confused because im already a fuckk g symptom holdwr but yeah actudally ive been displaying symptoms of this othert disordwe a lot more recwntly too and we're aboht ninesy percent sure we have other disprder but then i get the fwwling again and i have this *awful realization that im also displaying symptoms for **another disorder** we arent even sure if we havr* and its like okay brain where are tou getting these fucking things. Adn he goes. "From the childhood trauma" and im like okay Yes we've established that but w h y. Wasn't one disorder enough. Why did y9u make THREE disorders. And brain goes like "you thinj i made three dsorders??" And im f7cking dying because i do NOT want there to be more than three disorders but every day it seems less and less like theres three disorders

And no i dont mean "made" like the brain judt fucking Yeeted thr symptoms at us after fund out the disorders i MEAN the symptoms jave been around a long time and we wanted answers (bad idea) and we match the diagnostic criteria for like eight disorders and its crisis time agian

traumagenic plural culture is thinking “oh my trauma wasn’t that bad” and then realizing yeah it was actually that bad I just forgot a lot of it

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oh.

The dilemma of wanting to bitch and moan to someone, but you know it can make the crash 10 times worse if they don't act perfectly like you want them to.

they changed. they arent the person i was in love with. they will never be the person i was in love with.