tomorrow’s new years eve so don’t be shy to confess your undying love for me before the year ends

ooc. also ! i’m dropping this here ! lmk who you are before adding me tho !

@lutumsideras replied to your post.

//Concept: Klavier, Nahyuta, and Ema are all best friends who simultaneously all hate each other but would kill anyone who hurt the others with no remorse

ooc. GOD, YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST BRAIN OF US ALL ... they’re really all just disaster gays trying their best in this world, and as such, their entire friendship is them all ... insulting one another. lovingly.

ooc. nahyuta and ema are mlm and wlw solidarity. thank u.

ooc. young 7 y/o nahyuta scurrying away as datz chases after them. dhurke laughs and asks, “whatcha got there, yuty?”

“A KNIFE!!!”

dhurke shouts, voice reverberating, “NO!!!!!!”

ooc. god if nahyuta were able to go on a spontaneous trip post-soj they honestly would … though they know they can't right now because khura’in would literally implode on itself if its king / queen regent went missing all of a sudden lmao. but nahyuta relishes in freedom and the ability to … choose things for yourself; it's a concept many people take for granted. but given their experiences both with having their free will suppressed but also with the teachings of their religion, nahyuta is one to never not think about the little things. but, yeah. nahyuta is the kind of person who kinda wants to go on a spontaneous vacation, kinda wants to work more, kinda wants to eat a burger or three and also kinda enter uni again to become a defence attorney like they initially wanted to. but also they kinda want to nap. 

Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.

Criss Jami

(via

purplebuddhaquotes

)

You don’t get to die and be reborn the same. You come back,  but you come back wrong. This is the price you pay for resurrection.

Nathaniel Orion G. K. (via nathanielorion)

That moment when you remember Ga’ran’s reaction to Phoenix saying that Apollo was Dhurke’s foster son - showing that she had no idea of this relation

and you think about Nahyuta telling Apollo after Trucy’s trial

and you come to the heartbreaking conclusion that Nahyuta wanted to make sure he stayed away from Apollo and wanted Apollo to stay away from him to make sure Ga’ran never found out about him since this was the best way Nahyuta felt he could maybe protect Apollo from her, someone he felt was unstoppable

and with eyes constantly watching him, Nahyuta needs to make sure that Apollo appears to be nothing more than a stranger to him, so that Ga’ran will never make the connection between the two of them

ooc. imagine working your entire life towards eradicating a tyrannical system, only to enter that system in the hopes of destroying it from the inside-out and finding out that you have to choose between doing what you set out to do or preserving the lives of your family. imagine being forced to represent the very same system that destroyed your family because that’s the only way you can save it. imagine still being blamed by the fandom for the actions you didn’t want to do and being equated to the level of your abuser. imagine.

☆   ┊   STARSHINE

          The moment Clay’s eyes land on the framed photo of the two of them, Clay can’t help but sob, his still heart wrenching in his chest. He remembers the exact day that was taken, the exact moment before, during and after that picture was taken. 

          “Clay, stop moving, you’re gonna make the photo blurry!”           “I can’t help it, I’m trying to find a height where my head won’t be cut off in the frame because you’re so short!”           “Oh shut up. You’re such an ass, you know that?”

          It was the day after he’d been secured a job at GYAXA, and he was sporting the new coat to prove it. Seeing himself in that jacket again, something that he’d striven for all his life and finally achieved, only to have it ripped away from him again, it crushed Clay. 

          “That’s me,” he confirms between shaking breaths. “That was two years ago, only a couple months before I died.” He moves closer, just to see the picture again, just to immerse himself back into the day it was taken. He can’t touch the frame because he knows it’d fall straight through his hands, but his fingers ghost the glass as he longs for what used to be. 

          Clay looks up at Nahyuta and takes a deep breath. “I guess I’m not surprised he hasn’t said much about me specifically… he’s always been a private person, and, well… my murder wasn’t exactly the most pleasant,” he says, bitterness rising within him. He swallowed it back down, though. Now wasn’t the time. “But I do know a lot about you. First-hand as well as what he told me back when my family took him in.”           Apollo never liked revealing much about his past, as he felt it was his own burden to bear, but Clay was one of the only people who knew about his life before he suddenly turned up in America. Clay was honored to have that much of Apollo’s trust.            “He was… upset. For a long time. He felt betrayed and lost and abandoned because he always thought your dad would come back for him. I think it was around his thirteenth birthday when his hope turned into resentment.” Probably not the best thing to hear, but it was the truth, and Clay feels like it should be known. “But looking at him now, seeing him in court with you, I know he’s trying to forgive, and he has forgiven a lot. He’s always going to hold that pain with him, ‘cause he’s Apollo, but I know he does love you and your family. He wouldn’t have been so hurt if he didn’t.”

          Clay steps back, his spirit heavy as if he had anything physical left to weigh it down. He can’t accept the appreciation, the gratefulness. Taking care of Apollo was second-nature to him at this point, so any thankfulness felt wasted. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t stick around long enough to help him when he needed it the most,” he says, his voice quiet. 

          Nahyuta’s eyes soften considerably at how sorrowful Clay seems to be --- it must not be easy, having been sentenced to death when his life appeared to have just been starting out. The breath they intake thinking this is shaky; perhaps they should not be the one to sympathize with such a notion --- after all, Ga’ran had forced them to be the unwilling executioner for many others like Clay.           Guilt threatens to seize their heart at this moment, but they quickly shake it off, opting to step slightly closer to Clay. They hope the expression on their face betrays the empathy in their heart. Being torn away from your loved ones so suddenly --- that was a feeling Nahyuta was all too familiar with. No wonder the poor thing was crying so much; even Nahyuta wants to cry with how similarly their memories seem to be with Clay’s own.

          They cast their eyes downward, towards the floor, where their bleeding heart seems to reside, now. “I suppose I do not blame him for being so reluctant to divulge his past. He has been through a lot; I’m sure it must be hard for him to talk about it without all those memories coming back.” Trauma ... is hard. Nahyuta is well aware of this ( has lived with it rather intimately, much to their chagrin ). They sigh, deep and heavy --- though it’s tinged with a certain forlorn feeling.           “And I also do not blame him for feeling as if we abandoned him.” They look at Clay, a sad smile on their face. “I just hope now to repair our strained relationship. I ... would hate to lose my sibling again.”

          Hearing Clay talk about Apollo fills Nahyuta with awe for their brother. Though, they feel the same towards Clay, as well. Despite his humble attitude towards everything ... If he were never in Apollo’s life, Nahyuta has no doubt that Apollo wouldn’t be the same person. It’s obvious from whom his brother has adopted such an optimistic outlook ( despite the fact that the ghost has been crying for the past few minutes ).

         “I would argue you are still helping him, even now.” Nahyuta tilts their head, smile morphing from sad to warm. “Just because you have passed does not mean that your life does not affect others still. And I think that’s wonderful; it attests to how much of an impact you have had on those who had the pleasure of knowing you in life --- including Apollo. I have no doubt in my mind that he would not be as headstrong as he is now if not for the influence you have had over him all these years. That influence does not fade just because you are only able to watch him from afar, now. Even if he is not spiritual, I am sure he can sense your presence, cheering him on as always.” They pause for a while, before sheepishly adding, “The fact that we have been able to meet like this should mean something, should it not?”           What that “something” was, even Nahyuta did not know; but if they did genuinely believe this, then they would not have said it. Even after death, Clay continues to be nothing short of radiantly kind; and while Nahyuta did not know him in life, even they can tell that to be the case.

I will come up for air in another language all my own.

Mitsuye Yamada, from Selected Poems; “Drowning in my Own Language,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

ooc.  nahyuta has ... problems with intimacy. the lifestyle they led --- first being on the run constantly, then being part of a revolutionary group, and up until recently, being forced to be the lackey to the person they vowed to take down --- meant there was no real time to get close to people. hell, the fact that they’re an international prosecutor makes things difficult already, add to the fact that they have to help rebuild an entire kingdom’s judiciary system, and you’ve basically got no time at all in nahyuta’s schedule to even say hi to people, it feels. but there’s also another part to it, as well: ga’ran.

see, nahyuta gets attached really quickly, despite their rather cold outward attitude ( especially during soj + the 5 years prior as ga’ran’s right-hand ). it’s how ga’ran was able to exploit them --- exploit their love for rayfa, despite only having known her for a few months before she was captured. it doesn’t take long to become emotionally invested in people, and that scares the hell out of nahyuta; if ga’ran was able to threaten rayfa’s life to keep them in line and obeying her every word ( even going so far as to die if it meant keeping her safe ), then what would happen if someone like apollo or dhurke came into harm’s way ? any of the defiant dragons, who he saw as family ?

i think that’s why nahyuta is so ... cold to apollo upon reuniting with him. why they told him they were strangers. we see later in the game that ga’ran had no idea apollo was dhurke’s adopted son --- and i think nahyuta realized this, too. so, they told apollo to stay away. pushed him away themself, if need be. they’d be devastated if ga’ran managed to harm someone close to nahyuta to make him obey --- because then it’d be all their fault. and i don’t think they can handle that. can’t handle the thought of death or people dying for them. first it was their mother ( or so they assumed ). then it was dhurke risking his life to save them and apollo. datz and the other rebels have probably risked a lot to get nahyuta to safety, as well. so the thought of someone sacrificing themself for nahyuta --- it terrifies them so, so much. though, hypocritically, as mentioned before, they aren’t adverse to giving up their own life to save another’s. ( this may be because they think it’d be one way to salvage their soul ; to salvage a life lived under the regime of their aunt ; to wash the blood on their hands that she has forced on them. )

and even after soj, nahyuta ... doesn’t want to risk things, either. ga’ran may be locked away, but who knows how many of her sympathizers still lurk in the shadows ? now that nahyuta is reinstated as their prince, who knows how many people still think they deserve to be the disgraced son of dhurke ? how many people still believe dhurke was the one who attempted to assassinate queen amara 23 years ago ? how many people just want the crown prince dead, in general ? having high political status and serving as a prosecutor to boot would surely land them in at least a few people’s poor graces.

but why go through all of this ? well. nahyuta has answered this before, when rayfa asked why they were willing to risk everything for her: “ as the eldest, the responsibility falls squarely on me [...] understand why i have to bear all this sin. ” nahyuta is the type to think that they must do everything alone. it’s a cruel feedback loop; if they get attached, ga’ran will threaten that person’s life. if they remain alone, she has no one to hold hostage. if they seek help, she will kill rayfa and amara. if they listen silently and obey, she will keep them safe. if anyone else were to share this burden, their soul would become tainted, as well. 

so, that’s why. let no one in. kill all hope inside your heart. allow only yourself to bear this sin. because only you deserve it.

                            BAD HABITS    !   ☆

Bold the “bad” habits your muse has!

nail biting | throat clearing | lying | interrupting | chewing the ends of pens | smoking | swearing | knuckle cracking | thumb sucking | muttering under their breath | talking to themselves | nose picking | drinking | oversleeping | snacking between meals | skipping meals | picking at skin | impulse buying | talking with their mouth full | humming/singing to themselves | chewing gum | leg jiggling | foot tapping | hair twirling | whistling | eye rolling | licking lips | sniffing | squinting | rubbing hands together | jaw clenching | gesturing while talking | putting feet up on tables | tucking hair behind ears | chewing lips | putting hands on hips | rubbing the back of their neck | being late | procrastinating | doodling | shredding paper | peeling off bottle labels | forgetfulness | running hands through hair | overreacting |  touching chin | teeth grinding | nostril flaring | slouching | pacing | drumming fingers | fist clenching | pinching bridge of nose | rubbing temples | rolling shoulder

tagged by  stole this from. @allmiighty​  (  ily  ) tagging. anyone who wants to do this !

Nahyuta, how do you mess with Apollo's bracelet like that?

          ❛   Bracelet … ?   ❜  They blink, before their mind wanders to the thing their brother uses like a lie detector. It had proven to be a rather cumbersome hindrance during trials — but now, Nahyuta is grateful to have such a talent aiding them in their purge of corruption within the justice system.  ❛   Ah ! You mean Apollo’s toy ?   ❜  A smirk plays on the corner of their lips — they mean this teasingly, really. A big brother’s got to tease their siblings, right ?

          ❛   Well, piecing together what I’ve seen from it, as well as his own description, I had assumed that it tightened around his wrist when he subconsciously picked up on someone’s lies.   ❜  They place a finger on the rosary around their neck, curling it.  ❛   Thus, if I were to enchant it, he would not know if the squeezing of his wrist was due to the bracelet, or of my own volition.   ❜   The smug smile makes its way on their lips again, and they tilt their head to the side.  ❛   Despite his amazing skill, it is rather easy to disarm him, is it not ?   ❜

          Ah, perhaps they should also explain how their own spiritual powers work.  ❛   While I am not nearly as talented as Mother or young Rayfa at communing with spirits and the like, I still have spiritual powers — however limited they may be .   ❜   Nahyuta press their index and middle fingers to the thumbs of both respective hands, and allow their lashes to flutter shut, almost as if to demonstrate their prowess.  ❛   Thus, I am able to enchant small objects. Different phrases yield different results. The one I use to constrict things refers to the Holy Mother becoming angered when struck thrice. Therefore, we believe that her vexed spirit constricts you, as if to warn of her wrath should you test her once more.   ❜   They open their eyes and drop the meditative pose, smile still present on their face — though this time, it is more serene.  ❛   Perhaps if you enlighten yourself to the customs of Khura’inism, you may find that you, as well, have the ability to enchant objects.   ❜

☆   ┊   ???

Inga immediately perked at the mention of Khura’in and the greeting. Huh, he usually didn’t have his hopes answered. “Hap’piraki!” He returned, fully committing to the switch to Khura’inese. Even if they were only visiting Khura’inese family, it was plain to see the stranger was more comfortable with Khura’inese. “We don’t get a lot of foot traffic from Khura’in.”

He didn’t feel like dropping that he was from Khura’in himself, afraid of being asked what he was doing in some random town in Nepal. That was a question, even this long down the line, he was unsure how most appropriately to answer. There wasn’t a soft or vague way to say ‘exiled for murder and attempting a coup.’

“But about your family member…” Would it be wrong to now draw out what he knew about Rayfa? The customer’s family member and she are the same age and, well, if they weren’t close to her then he only had what he knew about teenage girls to go on. And all he knew about the teenage girls of this generation was from Rayfa. “I know my d-,” no, no don’t say that; small-talk about children only made his heart ache. He gestured to a bag of what looked like fruit leather roll-ups. “Lapsi ko Maadaa, Lapsi fruit leather, is popular. It’s sweet, sour, and spicy all at once.” He always thought Rayfa would like it.

“If she likes animals, I’ve made carvings of quite a few.” He gestured to the shelf of wooden carvings. The carvings weren’t perfect, but still looked nice, and, despite himself, Inga couldn’t help but feel a little proud of them. Especially when he remembered how shoddy his work used to be.

          Nahyuta was surprised to hear just how well Khura’inese slipped off of this person’s tongue, almost as if it were their first or second language. Great, they had just managed to dispel some of their doubts on whether or not this was Inga, and this certainly didn’t help. However, they’re quick to reconcile with their anxiety; after all, it wasn’t uncommon for many Nepalese people to know Khura’inese, as well as languages from other countries, such as Urdu and Maithili.           If anything, Nahyuta was glad to be able to speak their mother language once more. While they were able to speak Nepali, it admittedly was not the language they were most confident conversing in. A week or so of speaking nothing but was starting to wear on their tongue. They missed the way the Holy Mother’s language tasted, odd as that may have sounded.

         “I suppose not,” they murmur, grateful to be able to hold conversation in Khura’inese, “Many Khura’inese tend to merely stay in Nepal as a layover between flights, it seems.”

          Their attention was quickly diverted to the bag of food. It looked rather delicious, and the variety of flavours the shopkeep was describing to them only enticed them more. They raised a brow at the previous cut-off sentence, wondering what the man had wanted to say, but opt not to pry. This wasn’t their business.          No, they should be focusing on Rayfa, and what she would like most.

         “She loves animals,” they reply. And then, they chuckle to themself, a hand pressing against their lips as they recall her many encounters with various animals. “The animals, however,” they add, heart growing fond with memories of their sister, “do not like her very much.”

          Their eyes hovered over to the carvings. They seemed to have been made with much care --- while not the picture of perfection, Nahyuta always appreciated handmade goods over factory-made ones. There was always a sense of sentimentality attached to them --- something which made knickknacks like these much more valuable than if they were all carbon copies of one another.

          “Perhaps I shall get some fruit leather and a carving; you know how teenagers can be.” They roll their eyes, but the gesture is hardly malignant; the smile on their face indicates such. “She tends to be rather high-strung. Better to placate her needs with food than suffer the wrath of a fifteen-year-old girl.”