Chuck I finished my first picture by numbers. It was therapy for me. Usually I come up with art, but here just paint. And if you knew how much time I spent on this...

talking to people while holding a beverage is awesome because you don't have to know what to do with your hands and when you don't know what to do with your face you can just take a sip

enough stories about how someone learns to truely be happy through love. i want a story where someone is desperately seeking out love thinking it's the only way to be happy only for them to learn by the end that happiness is what they make of it and they don't need love at all to make it.

Illustration from @monicawoe’s “All Our Wrath and Cutting Beauty” for all us Sampires on this, a Sammy Sunday. (More art at the fic which is v good, 5 out of 5 stars!) 

Keep living your best lives, my boyking darlings… (pencil, drawn under the full moon and digitally colored as I carved sigils in human flesh) 

To those who wear glasses:

Love how the hospital can't tell me the time of my surgery until the day before this isn't inconvenient at all for organizing who can drive me there and pick me up

“You have one unheard message.”

Let me remind you of the “voicemail” for 4x22 😇 I love this episode!!

Mark the answer that puts the sentences in the best possible order to form a coherent text.

28. Your house

A) 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 1

B) 3 - 4 - 5 - 1 - 2

C) 4 - 5 - 1 - 2 - 3

D) 3 - 1 - 2 - 4 - 5

E) 1 - 2 - 4 - 3 - 5

Alejandro Zambra, Multiple Choice

also while we’re on the topic of derealization body horror, i’ll say it again: post-s6ish, Sam should have reflexively referred to his body as his “vessel”. catching and correcting himself, especially around dean and bobby, but slipping up just often enough that we know that’s how he thinks about it all the time.

which could have also lead well into him treating it as disconnectedly as he does. he’s taking care of his vessel not because it is him, but because it needs to hold him, and he only has to take care of it for as long as it needs to do that. in s8, when he starts throwing his health down the drain to the trials, of course he’s fine with it. his soul is what matters, right? his vessel is just there to take the hits and get him to his destination. let it burn up. it doesn’t matter. this is a normal and healthy way to conceptualize his own body.

@ all the anons in my inbox it will probably take me some time to answer I have some health stuff

sam day one of being locked in isolation: this is stupid, i'm not gonna break, i've been in the cage

sam day seven of being locked in isolation: what if this is still the cage

SUPERNATURAL 7.06

anyway pining for gadreel in the bunker again. I just think it's so sexy of sam to be that way. literally cas made him life-threateningly insane and the people mary is working with tortured him but he still has to plead their cases to dean bc he doesn't get the luxury of anger on his own behalf <3 sam grabbing dean to stop him from killing gadreel who committed atrocities against sam and has quite literally never done anything to dean except lock him in a room for 30 seconds <3 they should have dwelt in that for at least a season

I wish this was how the Gadreel arc was revealed: https://www.tumblr.com/casmcqueen/657105126390185984/having-thoughts-that-were-inspired-by-this-post. We don’t know what’s happening and why there are all these weird time skips, Dean is insisting everything is fine as Sam gets increasingly concerned about this and Sam is skeptical but we hear Dean saying he is stone number 1 so Sam believes him because he trusts Dean more than anyone, and there is a scene where Sam confesses that the last time he experiences this kind of time loss, he was possessed. Dean assures him that’s not the case, but he weirdly looks guilty and pained as soon as he thinks Sam isn’t looking. As the season progresses, it grows more and more ominous, reaching the climax with the reveal. And for irony’s sake, it needs to happen like it does in canon, with Crowley giving Sam the panic word and pushing Sam. So we think this is an ordinary case, and it’s weird we don’t see Dean but Sam doesn’t notice it due to the angels so it’s not explicitly on screen that it’s odd Dean’s absent, until Crowley enters and warns Sam. We get the reveal montage after Crowley makes Sam realize and Sam kicks Gadreel out, and possibly Crowley mentions that they see how Sam is the guy who overpowered Lucifer during this scene. Soon after Sam wakes up freshly unpossessed, we get the horrific sense of betrayal Sam feels when he discovers Dean was lying to him every time Sam brought up his concerns over his losses of time. I think this should also feature Hallucifer—and there’s this really good snippet I saw but can’t find of Hallucifer being ready to throw down over this angel possessing his vessel and he is about to tell Sam who this angel is but Gadreel intervenes before he can so that would be fun to have early in the reveal sequence where the only person who told Sam the truth was his hallucination of Lucifer to have a delicious reverse parallel of Dean being how Sam knows Lucifer isn’t real vs Dean helping to gaslight Sam for months while Lucifer told Sam the truth of it—so Sam is now no longer able to rely on Dean for his grasp of reality. As Sam fully processes the scale of Dean’s betrayal, we get a scene of Lucifer that mirrors when Hallucifer was telling Sam that everything he was seeing was just psychological torture from Lucifer in season 7. I think the scene or episode should end there

YES I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOREVER

The gadreel arc had so much potential it's insane. Shifting the POV to Sam makes it such a good horror story and it's so, so frustrating that the writers chose to pretend it's not bc they were too afraid to make Dean look bad instead of going for it. And from a storytelling perspective it would be so much more effective and honestly a breath of fresh air that spn sorely needed. This is why Carver is my nemesis it could have been so good!!!! Imagine if we had gotten the horror Sam experienes instead of Dean's annoying self-pity. As it is, this edit of S9A from Sam's perspective is the closest thing we got, you should check it out :)

And yesssss throw Hallucifer in!! Lucifer being the only one who told him the truth...truly delicious 👀👀👀 Sam completely adrift, unable to trust anyone, his sense of reality fucked 👀

Hallucifer arc but it’s not purely a hallucination and a little bit of Lucifer’s Grace came along for the ride when Sam was freed from the Cage. Sam doesn’t realize at first, it’s just little things that would only be apparent to an eagle-eyed viewer or a rewatch, but there are times when the hallucination knows things Sam can’t know. Sam at first dismisses it as his subconscious noting things he didn’t consciously realize or the demon blood making him have sharper senses that let him pick up on things/allowing him to sense demons (he pointedly ignores this didn’t happen before and wills himself to believe this is a side-effect of the Cage/losing and regaining his soul) or subconscious memories he picked up from Lucifer while being possessed, but eventually, Sam is unable to dismiss it and must acknowledge this is a much bigger problem than they thought at first. Dean is kidnapped or something and Hallucifer temporarily disappears, only to reappear when Sam is about to get him and warn Sam of how many people are inside and what the traps are. Sam has a sinking feeling and in his chest as he enters the building and sees proof this was true, because Sam knows he couldn’t have known this. Dean asks how Sam saved him and Sam says they need to talk to Bobby because they have a problem. Sam has Dean tell Bobby about his capture and when Bobby asks Sam just how he rescued Dean, Sam reveals that this is the problem: he was only able to successfully enter because Lucifer gave him important information, information Sam had no way of knowing. They frantically call Castiel, who’s real annoyed over being disturbed until he finds out just why they’ve called. Everyone has to find a way to deal with the fact that part of Lucifer is here after Castiel confirms that now that he’s looking for it, he can see some of Lucifer’s Grace attached to Sam. They ask if it can be removed and Castiel grimly replies that it would kill Sam in the process and send him straight to the Cage. I want it to be that Lucifer tagged along when Castiel freed his body, so everyone now must wonder how much things like Sam not sleeping anymore was actually the lack of a soul and how much was Lucifer’s grace rendering Sam just a little bit more inhuman. This adds a whole new layer to Castiel breaking his wall, because it means Lucifer’s Grace being there in the first place is Castiel’s fault. Oh, Jack considers Sam a father and part of this is because he can sense Lucifer in him but doesn’t know why

THAT LAST SENTENCE!!!!

Anyway I love Lucifer, or a part of Lucifer, clinging to Sam as he's pulled out by Castiel. Sam may be able to escape the cage, but not Lucifer...Lucifer's a part of Sam now and there's no undoing that. Now Sam has to grapple with the question where he ends and where Lucifer begins 😈

omg that endverse ficlet is so good!! there's something about the idea of lucifer seeing himself as in competition with dean over sam. considering Swan Song - it's kinda true.

oh thank you!!

i find any interaction between dean and lucifer very interesting--but especially the endverse conversation--because their implicit struggle is all about who owns sam.

sam exists in a fun hazy in-between area of Other Person and Self for both dean and lucifer. sam is necessary. sam is Part of Me. sam is, almost, Me.

for lucifer, in a much more literal sense, as sam is lucifer's fated vessel. but for dean, because so much of dean's identity is sam. dean's main goal is to look out for sam. he finds a lot of his joy through the idea of family, and a lot of his joy stems from sam, specifically. dean is his most authentic self when interacting with sam.

lucifer has dominion over sam's body, but dean has dominion over sam's soul, in a sense. sam loses his identity (and his love for dean, a defining fact that implies him to be Other) when he's without a soul. they're soul-mates. one split in two. special cases.

sam is an idea, and he's a person, and he's a soul, and he's a body, and he belongs to someone.

the show kind of tells us that sam can't belong to himself because he's not very "good" at it. he trusts the wrong people. he lures and imprisons an innocent woman specifically to kill her. he doesn't pick up a kidnapped high schooler's increasingly frantic calls. he has to be owned, to be cared for, to be good. even soulless sam is only "good" when he has dean to guide him in a moral direction.

anyway! it really makes me think, because lucifer already comes with an incredible sense of entitlement, but also because sam (almost canonically? can it be argued?) that he was made to belong to two different people. in a physical, concrete sense: lucifer. he is a shell for lucifer to crawl into.

in a more abstract, complete sense: dean. he was made--cosmically--to be dean's other half, his foil in the battle for good and evil, and he needs dean to be "good," which is a constant internal struggle for his character.

in swan song, it's literally The Battle For Sam. lucifer has dominion over sam's body, but dean has dominion/guardianship his soul, and it's his soul that wins! his soul is always more powerful! and lucifer doesn't expect that, first because he underestimates humanity as a whole but second, he underestimates sam, and his soul's capacity to love and to be loved!

GAH! i have so many feelings/thoughts about how the show portrays sam as something to be had (or at the very least, monitored? guarded? protected?), and especially over how that conflicts/contrasts with his desires and motives.

anyway. you didn't ask for that! i'm sorry. but i'm glad you liked the little ficlet i wrote for the other post!!!! thank you, anon! mwah! <3

-lizzy

what is grief, if not love persevering? [x]