Hi friends,

I've been through a couple of med changes and life's not necessarily better (it's still very stressful right now) but I've found comfort and some coping in journalling again and I just wanted to come recommend my favorite journals.

The brand is called Denik and the classic layflat is the perfect size to fit in my mid size mini backpack I use as a purse. The pages are thick so that took some getting used to but I love the journals. I'm almost through one and have 2 more ready to be used that's how much I love these. They're reasonably priced too both in stores like Books-A-Million (where I get mine usually) and on their website. As well as being customizable on their site!

Today is a day of very many mixed emotions. It was my last appointment with my current therapist and it was a really hard session that I left being put on the high risk list. I came home and had an appointment with social security and found out I'd been approved disability for my mental illness and while that's a relief it's also painful to know that that's where I'm at currently. My 28th birthday is tomorrow and I don't know how to feel about it. Just a lot of emotions swirling today. I've shed a lot of tears so far today and I have a feeling I'll shed more before the days out. I'm still trying even though it's hard and feels pointless and sometimes hurts I'm still trying.

Friends life keeps kicking me in the guts I just found out in my trauma group today via a peer who shares my therapist at the public health clinic that our therapist is leaving. I would have found out on Tuesday, the day before my birthday. I'm a mess. A lot of tears, intrusive thoughts, and stress as it was mentioned that there were no female therapists that take safety net (public free but limited mental health insurance for people who don't work or can't afford insurance) so we'd be placed with male therapists once ours leaves. I'm trying to journal it out and practice my crisis skills because as of right now I've got an important phone call on the 16th after my therapy appointment that I can't miss so I've got to keep it together at least until then.

Some sad ramblings under the cut please feel free to ignore

I'm having a lot of family turmoil and just a lot of my family being pretty careless with how they're talking to me. I'm not blaming them that's how they've always been I should be tougher by now but it's really getting to me. I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope and all that's left is a noose. It's not just them that's making me feel this way I've got a whole list of things adding to me spiraling currently but I feel like they'll be what pushes me over the edge. I feel like I'm occupying space that's not mine both in my own home and just on the planet, in this plane of existence. I go to tell people how I'm feeling, what's going on then I unsend messages or it gets caught in my throat and chest because I feel like all I've done the last year and half is ask for help and people are sick of hearing about it. I'm sick of asking for it. I'm currently in a situation where I feel like I couldn't go for a hospital stay without people thinking I'm seeking attention or something so I won't go. I don't know what the near future holds for me. I don't know that I want it to hold anything but for now I'm just trying to make it day to day.

This song is really getting me through right now. I'm sorry for the depressing posts friends. I'll be okay eventually I hope.

I'm not doing great friends. I'm feeling like there's not a light at the end of this tunnel. My birthday is really soon and I really don't wanna see it. I'm trying to keep pushing through but I feel like I'm occupying space that's not mine to occupy.

Something else I highly recommend as someone who works better by being able to file all my emotions and thoughts into file cabinets (and occasionally lock boxes) in my head is a wheel of emotions.

I struggle a lot to name what I'm feeling because I have so many they get muddled and my therapist hands me a wheel of emotions and lets me decipher it on my own and decide where they go in my file cabinets.

Amazon has tons of options! Including smaller ones to carry with you in a bag or even a pillow to have on your bed or in a safe space where you can sit down and take the time to go through the situation(s) and figure out what the emotions associated with each situation is and then you can decide when and how you want to try to cope with it.

This guided journal is THE BEST guided journal I've tried so far. It's not super flowery "think happy thoughts be happy 😊" like most and doesn't have all those insane amounts of trackers like others similar to Silk + Sonder.

This one asks about any triggers you've had that day, whether you experienced anxiety and/or panic that day, what medication(s) you take and how they're making you feel, if you remembered to eat and drink water, and more.

All the pages are the same so it makes it easier (in my opinion) to stay consistent with it and doesn't stress me (an individual with a need for things to remain routine and similar and currently can't see my life further in advance than day to day) out with different pages asking things like "what does your life look like in 10 years" or "draw your goals!".

It's pricy but friends with mental illness looking for something consistent and who struggle with journalling freely, I highly recommend!

Hop in girlies! We're practicing radical acceptance in 2024!

It's a VA article but we all know by now PTSD can happen to anyone for any number of traumatic instances through life.

We don't get to choose what caused us trauma or how our mind and body reacts to things post trauma.

Your feelings, emotions, and reactions are valid. Your trauma is valid.

Mental health and SI under the cut

My sister and her kids are moving home pending a divorce.

This is just proving my long time thoughts and beliefs that she's been and will continue to be the favored kid.

We're remodeling for her and her kids to have room and all the frustration from that is being taken out on me.

I'M the one with a pissy attitude I'M the one being selfish I'M being a bitch and need to just go to my room because no one wants to hear ME bitch.

To be honest you'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm starting to realize a lot of things while I've been going to therapy. That this isn't how you raise and treat your kids. This isn't healthy parenting or a healthy living situation. THAT THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

Yet all that makes me realize is how inevitable a personal demise is.

I'm ready to clock out. (This is what my therapist calls a trauma response) And honestly it feels like a better outcome every day.