tapping into my academic validation era <3 <3 <3

Oh, to live like a 90s runway model

This living this living this living

𝓡𝓾𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓪𝓷 𝓓𝓸𝓵𝓵 🖤

Rant (work, life, love and friends)

I know I’m healing..after a very catastrophic breakup im healing, I’m going out, I’m learning new things about myself, im doing the work. Breakups are hard I know, but this was my first one and let’s just say it was a disaster. I pictured my breakup with this person to be one where we’d break up, and of course get back together. That’s just how I always pictured us…little did I know there was another person in the picture. Just typing it makes my fingers feel numb and fuzzy. I guess I still have some work to do, but at least now I can talk about it without getting a lump in my throat, at least now I don’t cry myself to sleep every night, at least now I can smile to myself and happily close that chapter of my life. The daydreaming is still there, the what could’ve been scenarios play in my mind sometimes, the memories of family trips to Utah, thinking about the sweet air id feel when we’d all gathered in your family home, us cuddled up in your sheets with your cats, napping, you tagging along with me on my modeling trips, finally sleeping in the same bed. Even writing now I haven’t shed a tear, it’s easier, I wonder what my therapist would say. After all she was the one who forewarned me that this relationship wouldn’t last, that you were the problem, and I accepted my part in the failing of our relationship but have you? I wish I could’ve proved her right, but in a way I’m glad she was right cause deep down I knew it, I didn’t want it to be true but I knew it. I had big plans and you just didn’t fit in those big plans. It was like I was trying to fit a puzzle piece in a space that had a different shape, I just assumed if I kept squeezing it in eventually it would fit. But I learned my lesson.

work

work, that’s just what it’s been for me. I talk to my sister and the way she describes her work, she described it like it’s a passion, I wish to reach that one day. But I’m here stuck to a keyboard and a screen. Saying things like “Goodmorning” “hi” and “how can I help you?” Checking people in, having to listen to pretentious, entitled women tell me how to do my job. A soft “hello, how are you doing?” Being uttered from the few polite clients I come across. A job like this makes one turn into the grinch. Or maybe I’m just being ungrateful, I mean it’s not too bad, the rude customers are far and in between even though there’s plenty. I just don’t feel challenged here anymore, I could strive for sales manager but I don’t want to be committed to that because my career could take off at any minute…right? I don’t even want to be a manger, it’s just not something that interests me, I have these big dreams that don’t involve this job. I just know that what I’m doing now is meant for me and this job isn’t. But I’m just here waiting painfully for my life to begin.

life

life’s been going, my motto is “it is what it is” of course coining that term from one of my best friends, Bree. I don’t know how she means it but for me it means “things aren’t the way I exactly want it but there are good things in my life right now that I should be grateful for and I should just bask in the moment” I’ve always looked at life in a “glass half empty” kind of way and I guess now I think I’m becoming more optimistic. After a rough year, I’m excited to start anew, but also coming to terms with alot of things that have happened over this year as well. Accepting the imperfections of my life, accepting the mistakes I made, the things I’ve let happen and the people I’ve allowed in my life that didn’t make it for the better. I’ve done a lot of thinking, and being the highly anxious person I am, I usually want to run away from my mistakes, a failed relationship, a failed friendship due to my own doings, a failed situationship because I was not yet healed when I pursued it, and struggling with grades in my senior year of college. But rather running away from them, I’ve ran towards them to bare my broken heart, cracked brain and scorched soul for the world to see. I’ve let myself be more vulnerable, I’ve talked things out, I’ve stood up for myself during every one of those situations, I’ve apologized when I knew I was in the wrong, but also stood my ground when I thought something wasn’t right. And honestly I don’t know what I would’ve or could’ve done differently in these situations, I could’ve not responded and let them feel my silence, I could’ve just said “ok” and let them leave and rip my name into shreds, I could’ve begged for forgiveness…but I’m accepting that that’s just not me. I’m someone who needs to get their point across, and when I feel like ignoring someone I’ll do it. But I need to authentically be me and I’m someone who doesn’t shut up, so imma get my point across whether people like it or not. And if this new version of me makes me a bitch, then I’m a bitch, I’ll always strive to be a good person, but if someone just happens to get that bad side of me based on how they’ve treated me then that’s on them. Not me.

love

I wouldn’t call it love. I’ve been taking to two guys and I’ve been out on two dates with one of them. I like him. He’s sweet, funny, intelligent, he’s always down to try new things, he smells nice, he’s really into cars, and he super cute. Only red flag is that he’s a bad communicator over text. I don’t know if it’s because he’s always busy, or if he simply just doesn’t like me like how I like him but he’s such a lagger. Sometimes he won’t text me for a whole day, which is fine we aren’t a couple but geez, it’s the bare minimum. I mean sure he paid for our first two dates, opened doors for me (including the car door), he’s always very sweet to me, is very clingy (which I like), says he doesn’t like pda but when it comes to me he’s always kissing me in public, and he’s a great kisser. So what’s the problem? My friends say he’s not the one for me, because he’s not great with communicating through text but what can I do? I like him but don’t want to scare him off. On the other hand the other guys is great over text he’s always asking about my day, telling me about his, always there to talk with me about something but yet we haven’t met in person yet. (He could be a sucky communicator in person) idk maybe I should just be single…I mean me and the guy haven’t even planned a THIRD date, I’ve been trying but it just seems like he doesn’t want one :/. I guess we’ll see…

friends

friends friends friends….I don’t know where I’d be right now without them. They’re my sisters, my confidants, my therapists, my family. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 20 years of living so far, friends and family are the most important people in your life. If you’re lucky enough to have them keep them close and treat them right. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some pretty great people this year, ones that have gotten me out of some of the darkest corners of my mind, ones that would let me come over in a blink of an eye to rant, cry and complain. I wouldn’t give them up for anything in the world, and i need to be more grateful. I need to do more for the people in my life that have always been there and that will always be there.

anyways, I’m possibly going to New York in January, and let’s just say I’m so excited for this month and the next coming months. I have a good feeling, but knock on wood (I’m not trying to jinx this next year for myself) but I just feel lighter, fuller, less anxious and oddly optimistic. Hopefully New York will be everything i want it to be, I’m going with one of my best friends so we can look at colleges and I’m hoping I can possibly visit my agency while I’m up there!

I can definitely work right now, but how can I when all I can think about is mirror palais SS23 NYFW?!

I mean this is breathtaking, for sure one of those top brands I would LOVE to work with. I guess this is where my manifesting kicks in.

I know I could do it. Mirror Palais is another brand I praise for its inclusivity along with Savage X Fenty of course, and I guess props to Victoria’s Secret for trying to be inclusive. But to be honest it’s different with VS cause inclusivity takes away from the brand, the brand was made to be about being perfect, skinny a dream for most girls. That’s what the Victoria’s Secret angels are all about, I love the idea but it’s just not the same anymore. They should’ve started off with inclusiveness, then it wouldn’t be so taboo and weird for the brand. They should either go back to their old ways or just give up. Nonetheless I still love VS as a brand but I do sometimes reminisce on the old days….

no your still cute, it’s just the way you ghosted me for three months, then texted me saying you got scared because you thought I wanted a relationship, but wanted to catch up and start taking again and tell me you weren’t ready for one and then when I responded four days later telling you not to assume that I wanted a relationship, and that you should stay safe, you get defensive, tell me not to get ahead of myself, say I said I wanted a relationship with you, after telling me that’s what you “thought” I wanted, that threw me off a bit.

and actually your quite ugly and your lame as fuck….good riddance ✨

(like you literally scooter…use a fucking skateboard don’t be a pussy)

taking a late late night walk with your friends after a party has to be one of the most beautiful things in life

☁️ Daydreaming ☁️

I’m at work, one of the instructors is playing runway music, you know the music that goes “untz untz” anyways all that I can think about is strutting down one right now.

…..maybe one day

like wouldn’t that be awesome! I can imagine the outfit and everything, it would be in this shiny length almost sheer black dress, with a hint of sparkle, I would be wearing black undergarments…with long black individual braids….strutting down a white cat walk the area around me is a black abyss glittered with flashing cameras..

but I’m just sitting in front of a computer right now :/

day 1

let’s hope I can keep this up, anyways I’m thinking about what Riff Raff said “my main goal is to blow up and act like I don’t know nobody” that really resonated with me.

I don’t know what to do about anything anymore T-T

i love how when i start to slightly feel the need to be in a relationship again i get reminded why they suck. ugh, whatever

my ultimate goal is to look pretty but just slightly inhuman.. subtly ethereal.. like hm something abt her is strange but u cant put ur finger on it.